 | The Mistakes, or, The False Report |  |
Enter Lopez with a Party of Rabble.
Lop.
Come my brave Friends let us attack these sawcy Walls that dare
confine my Master, treacherously betray'd into the Nooze by a Cowardly
Courtier.
1st. Rab.
What Courtier honest Lopez, I'le spit him upon the point of
a needle, unless he be a friend to our Society, a modish, foppish one.
Lop.
Nay, then I have him fast
[Aside.]
'Tis he that has kept all
this coil about fashions, who to please the Vice-Roy wou'd metamorphose us
all into Spaniards, that is, wou'd cut your trade shorter by the sleeves.
1st. Rab.
Oh how my blood boils against the Villain! what turn us
all into Children with hanging-sleeves? and clip our profit with the
shears of his ambition and avarice? my blood's as hot, as if there were a
100. fleas stimulating my courage.
2d. Rab.
What's his name, that we may go on? men never commenc'd
Heroes by talk but action. (Now I think on't these walls are tame things
enough, they'le suffer a blow without returning it, nor are there any
port-holes to kill a man unawares; if they within will be Civill, we'le
deal most manfully with the out-guards.)
Lop.
Pray give me leave—'Tis he who wou'd banish long Toledo,
and wou'd bring in a new kind of a harmless Rapier of a foot and a half
long to prevent duells—nay, he motion'd once, that Gentlemen shou'd
wear wooden blades, so that we shou'd not have had a murder in a whole
week.
3d. Rab.
O' the Villain, there's my occupation defunct; but who is it
all this while?
Lop.
No matter: now to our business, know you for what you came
here?
1st. Rab.
Yes, to free your master.
Lop.
Do you know how he came to prison?
2d. Rab.
Upon his legs; our business is to take him from it, and not to
examine how he came to't.
Lop.
Then where's the justice of your Cause?
3d. Rab.
In our Swords, where shou'd it be? Cause quotha! why
Lawyers deal with Causes, and they're no fighting men.
Lop.
Very wittily argu'd, but—soft, who's here? are they friends
or enemies? hark ye my Lads, if these prove foes, stand your ground
stoutly; while I valiantly quit mine.
[aside.
Ber.
Now Heroes, since we are embark't so far on this honourable expedition,
let us consider further, what we have to do. This is all the
contrivance of that damn'd Rascall Lopez.
Lop.
Hum! 'tis Bernardo, come upon the same design with me, but
I'le send him away—Come on friends, this is the Servant to that Courtier
I told you of, come to release his master, and hinder our design:
he has but two or three softheads with him; say, shall we let him?
Omn.
No, no, knock him down, knock him down.
Ber.
Hold, hold, I beg your pardon Seignior Lopez, what I said of you
was but a complement in Masquerade.
Lop.
You have it for that fine expression; but now I must chastise
you for something else.
Ber.
Hold friend, I came not here to fight, nor am I at present in
case to command my army; for I am as impotent as an Eunuch, or a
Nobleman of fourscore, as hungry as a besieg'd City, and as dry as a
Dutch Commentator.
Lop.
You'l be the easier conquer'd: come we'l rid you of all your wants.
Ber.
How?
1st. Rab.
By death Sawcy upstart; how dare you ask us questions?
Ber.
Death! a pox on't, I care for't the least of any thing in the world:
'tis the very bane of greatness; a monster that devours more of all sorts
at a meal, then Taylors halfpenny loaves and pickl'd cucumbers, or
Usurers decay'd Gentlemen in a whole year.—Gentlemen, I thank you
for your love, but I had rather continue my distemper than take such an
Antidote.
1st. Rab.
O Rascall! he abuses our calling: my honour's concern'd
now, and if you put it up—
Lop.
Then am not I fit to command an army of brave Citizens. Come
to your ranks; are you all ready? I begin to grow hoarse with this command,
Hum, hum! what a thirsty thing this valour is?
Ber.
What do you mean, will you force your remedies upon me?
2d. Rab.
Yes, if you won't take them civilly, or defend your self against
them.
Lop.
Come, will you chuse to dye in the bed of honour, or be buried
alive in the grave of infamy?
Ber.
I must think of some means to escape these valiant Dogs: Oh I
have it now!
[aside.]
Generall Lopez, to save the innocent blood, let us
decide our differences by single Combat, and engage upon our military
honours, that our men shall not strike a stroke, till one of us falls.
Lop.
Agreed, retire brave Soldiers
[aside to 'em]
and d'ye hear when
his party's gone, come you forward and rescue your magnanimous Generall—
Come Bernardo
The Battle Try.
With all our hearts, for 'tis cruelty not valour to fight when
there's no need:
Ber.
But how shall I trust you?
Lop.
Upon my honour.
1st. Rab.
By all my Pedigree, by the first founder of our occupation.
Ber.
A long Oath Mr. Taylor, stretch'd from the beginning of the
world, 'twill hold—And now Lopez, since we are engag'd to make our
men idle spectators, let's to our Combat—but it must be the next time
we meet, and so farewell, ha, ha, ha!
[Exit.
Lop.
Cowardly Dog! but 'tis the same thing: let's mind what we
came for, and now how shall we contrive to release my Master?
2d. Rab.
Nay, look you to that:
Lop.
Why I do look, and may look long enough for ought I see, before
I finde any way: you shou'd have consider'd of that before-hand Mr.
Thimble.
1st. Rab.
I am not such a fool to make my self mad.
Lop.
Why then I think the war's done, so let every Man retire to his
quarters—but then I loose the hope of a reward and may starve too—
stay friends—yet I had better grow tall and strait by famine, than monstrous
crooked by hanging: Besides there is a great deal of Pleasure in
dying in a whole skin, and in this adventure I may be Carbonado'd—
go get you home—but then my honour—a pox of honour, 'tis the
most uncivill thing, it never consults a mans safety—upon mature deliberation,
'tis our will and pleasure that you either go or stay, and if
you disobey in our last command, look to't.
[Exit.
1st. Rab.
Well this is a fortunate business, we shall be accounted Heroes,
and be no more affronted by the Officers; nay, they'l tremble to appear
before us; and cease to make assignations with our wives to our faces;
again, Alberto will be ours for ever if he escape, and if not we are safe;
and all without bringing our valour to the test, or once confronting
the enemy. Come neighbours 'tis a rare adventure, ha, ha, ha!
Omn.
Ay faith Neighbour so it is; ha, ha, ha!
[Exeunt Omnes.
Scene the Pallace-Yard.
Enter Alberto in the Dark.
Alb.
Thus like a Ghost I wander in the night,
With discontent to seek my murderer,
To thunder in his ears his breach of friendship,
And be the Herauld of divine revenge;
Then silently retire to shades again:
Whilst I've a mine of lead fits heavy here,
Presses my heart, and sinks me to despair.
Enter Lopez.
Lop.
Well I've dismist my popular Subjects, since there's no good to
be done: my Master must weather to'ther night out, and perhaps he may
sleep better there, for he'le not have the cruelty to wish his Mistress with
him; when in the Palace, he'le tire the moon with his sighs and hei-hoes,
devour a bed-post with embraces, and antidate all the reall pleasure by
forehand wishes and imagination.
Alb.
What voice is this and in the dead of night
That talks of wishes and imagination?
Perhaps it is some Rivall in my misery,
That comes to weep his story to the Stars:
But sure they're Bankrupts now, since they have spent
All their malignant influence on me. But i'le listen.
Lop.
I've been considering of a remedy, if my Master will apply it;
Can't he make use of my blew-ey'd Bianca, my delicate brown Angelica,
or my sweet short-nos'd Portia, and think that he has his mistriss in his
Arms. I have heard some great Philosophers say, that all the pleasure of
Women is but fancy, and can't he then as well fancy one woman for another,
as fancy that to be a pleasure which is none. But whilst I think
of him, I forget my self: I am very sleepy, and must take up with the
large Canopy of Heaven for once: Well in the name of Satan, I'le lock
up my doors, and converse with my self for a while:
[Lies down and Covers himself with a Cloak.
Alb.
It is my Servant Lopez opportunely come,
For I shall have occasion now to use him: Lopez!
Lop.
Ha! who's that? Now if this shou'd be the Devill come to take
me before my time, what a pickle shou'd I be in: well I'le cheat the
grand Cheater for once, for I'le lye as if I was Dead, that he may go
back to hell, and see for my Soul, and in the mean time I'le escape.
Alb.
Lopez, where art thou?
Lop.
Ah, good Mr. Devill he's gone, quite congeal'd to a Jelly.
Alb.
Rise, Sirrah, here's no Devill.
[Kicks him.
Lop.
Oh, oh, I feel his cloven hoof scorch me thro' my breeches.
Alb.
Get up, 'tis I, is the fool mad?
Lop.
'Tis my Masters voice, it must be so; he has been Murder'd in
Prison; and the Devill is come in his shape to Barter with me. I'de fain
speak if I durst.
Alb.
Do so, and leave fooling.
Lop.
Good Mr. Voice and Foot, what are you, to whom do you belong?
Alb.
I think the Slave's distracted; I am thy Master, Alberto.
My Master! Oh no! yet I must be bold and speak.
[Rises.
Alb.
Go on.
Lop.
First Master Devill, I must own you to be a Demon of Quality, by
your good manners, that you come in a shape so familiar to me, and that
you don't bring Hell with you in your eyes: But as for being my Master,
you know I have serv'd him faithfully in this World, and 'tis too hard
to serve him in both, at least till I am dead, and as pure a Spirit as he, and
it is not fair, that an honest Devill, as I hope you are, shou'd stretch
my service beyond the limits of Matrimony.
Alb.
This is Frenzy beyond all patience!
Did ever madness run to such a height?
Lop.
Prithee, be not so impatient, but hear me out, an hungry Judge,
or Guardian Usurer wou'd be more conscientious than you: if you be
come to punish me for my telling of the Challenge, I answer, that truly
I did designe to prevent your fighting, but was or'eheard a plotting, by
your friend Ricardo.
Alb.
Ha! Ricardo?
Lop.
Ay Sir, for he swore he'd blunt your adversaries sword with his
blood; so I trusting your safety to him, retir'd. This is the Sum of what
I have to say in my own defence, and I refer my Cause to a Jury of Spirits,
but let 'em appear invisibly, and if they finde me guilty, condemn
me to the Gallies of Acheron, if not, resign your black Habeas corpus, and
sign my acquittance by immediate vanishing.
Alb.
This might divert another, but not me.
This simple Story carries wonders with it,
For Lopez did not know the place appointed,
Yet was Ricardo ready with his Murderers.
Oh 'tis too plain! 'twas my false friends design;
But that's but small, for I was slain before
A moving lump of clay without a Soul.
Lop.
Now is this Archidiabolo giving Instructions to the invisible Jury.
Alb.
Lopez, throw off this fond affected fear:
Feel me, I'm flesh and blood, a Man as thou art,
And not the Demon of thy murder'd Master.
Lop.
Whose Demon are you then Seignior?
Alb.
The Slave perverts my words to serve his folly;
I am alive, escapt from Prison;
Lop.
That is as much as to say,
From Hell; did you leap the Walls, or shoot the Gulf?
Alb.
Sure I'me mistaken all this while; art thou Lopez?
Lop.
As sure as you'r the Devill. But who the Devill sent you to me?
Alb.
Ridiculous! approach me and feel thou Infidell,
And then believe thy Senses.
Lop.
Well, so I wou'd, if I were so stout—but I'le make up that
not breath upon me, and infect me with the air of Hell; 2dly. That
when I'm close to you, you don't contract your self into a mouthfull of
air, then leap down my throat, and by inspiration get me with Child of
a young Belzebub.
Alb.
Will this mad humour never leave him? try me;
Lop.
Well, i'le take your word for once:—his worships well drest
flesh and blood upon my life—but are you sure you are alive, Sir?
Alb.
If ever thou didst know me so, I am.
Lop.
Hum—your pardon Seignior, a wiser man than I might mistake,
finding you here at this time of night, and so expert as to break thro'
your prison walls.
Alb.
That misterie's too deep for thee to dive in:
But now retire and sleep, for I perceive thou want'st it,
And when the morning dawns I will awake you.
Lop.
I thank you, Sir.
[Exit.
Enter Antonio.
Alb.
Hark! Something I hear again tread near this place;
Who shou'd it be? Antonio? no!
He lies secure within Miranda's arms,
Enjoys, and rifles all my hoarded sweets,
Then tir'd with bliss, and the excess of joy
Leans on her panting breasts, and falls asleep.
Oh my poor heart!
[sighs
Ant.
How have I chang'd my state of happiness,
And fall'n from all my hopes in one black day?
Like Oedipus I'me innocent, yet guilty,
But feel a punishment as great as his,
My freind and mistress fled away at once;
Astella! Oh my Love!
Alb.
By hell, and all it's horrors 'tis he:
Oh my swoln heart, why dost thou tremble thus?
Thou that has fac'd Grim death in all it's Pageant-greatness:
When here's a greater foe before thee,
The Serpent rob'd thee of thy Paradice.
Ant.
It is Albert's voice: Instruct me heaven
What's due unto my Honour and my Friendship.
Alb.
Antonio!—
Ant.
Yes Alberto.
Alb.
He that was my friend, I think.
Ant.
The same.
Alb.
'Tis false, thou never wert my friend.
'Tis well, proceed Alberto.
Alb.
Yes Traytor, I will proceed,
Untill thy bloated face proclaim thy Guilt
And bursting, spit thy Venom out.
Seest thou not revenge Triumphant on my Sword,
(Which maugre darkness shines like the Meridian Sun)
Longing to quench its thirsty wishes in thy blood,
And glimmering in the Scarlet sky to set?
Be quick and satisfy it.
Ant.
Not for the World,
Or purchase an Eternity of bliss,
Wou'd I Encounter on so light a Cause,
Just like two rushing winds, driven by chance,
Fight one another by a blind impulse.
Give me to know your Sorrows and my Crime,
Or find some other means for satisfaction,
I will not thus.
Alb.
I'le tell thee when my Sword's imbru'd and reeking in thy gore,
But now to speak wou'd pall the Appetite of my great revenge.
Why dost thou thus delay?
Ant.
Here take thy wishes then.
[offers Alb. his Sword.
Since thou art false, deliberately false
My life's a burden to me.
Alb.
Then throw it off;
I'le ease thee of that burden.
Ant.
I did resign it, when I resign'd my Sword:
Now strike Alberto, strike through my heart
And to assure the Stroke, think on thy wrongs;
But to lift up my Arm against thee were Sacrilege,
In every wound I should behold Astella wrong'd,
And shame my Cruelty unto her brother.
But thou delay'st too long, I am prepar'd!
Alb.
Thou art a Fool,
I tell thee that wou'd blunt the edge of Justice:
What cut thee down, as the laborious Hind mows off the grass,
Which by inclining seems to beg a Crop?
Antonio, no, you shall not dye so cheap;
I've begg'd of Heaven to make thee as strong as Atlas,
To brave my fury, like a well-grown Oak,
That I might wound and kill untill I fainted,
And my desires were baffl'd by my weakness.
Ant.
'Tis well ye Powers thus to refuse me death;
When life was Odious to me—Cursed Fate!
How shall I work him to so brave a deed?
Without the Violation of my Love.
Then ever think—
Alb.
Damn thy dull thoughts,
Is this a time for Love? Equivocating slave!
Ant.
Ha! Slave?
Alb.
Yes, Traytor, Villain, Coward.
Ant.
Coward! that stings home, and wounds my honour:
Alb.
Honour! thou hast none: that Roab of Glory
Thou hast quite thrown off, for thou art false and base,
Therefore a Traytor, Villain, and a Coward.
Ant.
Thy Sisters Love secures thee still,
She calms the storm which swells within my breast,
And stills the rage of anger and despair.
Alb.
My Sister, no Devil no, she never charm'd your Soul;
You Idoliz'd another Saint, as false as she was fond:
But she is gone for ever, lost to my remembrance.
Ant.
Ha! Gone, whither?
Alb.
She's dead and damn'd for loving thee.
I've Sign'd her pasport for another World,
And wait to send thee to her.
Ant.
O give me Patience Heaven!
Astella dead?
Alb.
Yes, slain by me Monster.
Ant.
Stay fainting Spirits, move not away so fast,
One short recruit before I leave the World;
I come Astella, I'le be with thee strait.
Friendship away; thus let me blow thee from me,
'Tis gone with that last sigh for ever fled.
[weeps.
Now I can meet thee upon equall Terms,
And like a hungry Lion, loos'd from my Chains,
(Friendship and Honour which had ty'd my hands)
Rush on my prey, and bear thee to destruction.
Why sink thy Arms as if thy rage did cool?
Alb.
If this be true, then what a wretch am I;
It is Astella's Cause that steels his Sword,
Whilst false Miranda is the Subject of my rage.
[Aside.
Antonio, since one of us, or both may chance to dye,
When dead, 'twill be too late to clear mistakes,
Therefore by all that's good I do conjure you,
Resolve me one thing.
Ant.
Be quick, perhaps I may.
Alb.
Hast thou not betray'd my Love and me,
And treacherously won Miranda's heart?
If this continue, I shall survive my Love;
I have, therefore now revenge it.
Alb.
Yet stay:
Why were you then concern'd when I told you—
Ant.
I know your meaning; I did it to deceive you:
Therefore fight, or I will kill thee at all Advantages.
Alb.
I will Antonio.
Be quick as Lightning to Revenge my wrongs,
Or as the thought that Executes.
Ant.
Thou seest me ready—now for thy heart.
[they fight.
Enter Lopez.
Lop.
Ha! what noise is this that Interrupts my rest?
Hark, I think I hear clashing of Swords:
Ant.
I think thou hast it there:
Alb.
Nothing Sir, come on.
[Fight again.
Lop.
'Tis my masters voice; what do you mean? If you are not the
Devill, I think the Devil's in you: now I'le be hang'd if this be not some
Smock-quarrell; a pox upon all women, but Whores I say! Murder,
help, help, Murder, Murder!
Enter Miranda in her Night-Gown, Gentlemen and Attendants with lights; The Gentlemen part them.
Mir.
What Screech-Owl voice is that, that crys out Murder?
Lop.
'Tis I forsooth, Madam.
Mir.
Ha! Alberto and Antonio! Oh Heavens what do I see?
Crackt not my eye-strings, when I view'd this sight?
Is Nature quite dissolv'd and at an end?
Sure such an Act as this must needs presage it.
Alberto's wounded too; oh horrid night!
Alb.
O Spare this cruell show of pitty, Madam;
You shou'd have search'd your Champion first.
Ant.
I am not wounded.
Alb.
No matter, 'tis a Complement stretch'd too high,
Thus to prefer her manners to her Love.
Mir.
Still Jealous! but your wounds are dangerous
Else I wou'd clear the banefull source of all.
Mir.
Go on, dear Madam.
Mir.
Know then Alberto that your friend is Noble,
If this last Action does not prove him base.
Alb.
That word from you does brand him for a Villain.
Mir.
'Twas he releas'd you.
By heaven 'tis false, all false as hell.
Ant.
'Tis false indeed, for he releas'd himself,
Paid me the bloudy Fees at his departure,
And like a Coward shrunk and stole away.
Alb.
By Heaven a general plot upon my virtue!
Mir.
Oh cease your wonder Sir, and hear me out;
Declare the meaning of that Note you left,
For there's the Fatall spring of all this mischief.
Alb.
I gave it you to read.
Mir.
'Tis true you did, but I tore it.
Alb.
'Twas from Antonio, he knows it well.
Ant.
By all that's good I writ it not,
Nor know I what he means!
Alb.
O were that but true which now thou sayst—
Ant.
How shall I prove the truth?
Alb.
I know not since it is torn and lost.
Lop.
Sir, I've been guilty, and I cry peccavi, and I hope I shall before
I've done, make you cry so, to this fair Lady, and that Gentleman. Ricardo's
man gave me a Note which he said dropt out of his Masters pocket;
I read it and found it a Challenge from Antonio to you: now suspecting
that to be the occasion of your quarrell, I kept it up, and here 'tis for you;
the rest I'le tell you anon.
[Gives Alb. the letter.
Alb.
I thank thee with all my Soul, for thou'rt my better Genius.
Now read it Antonio, but read it to thy self
[Gives Ant. the letter.
Lest the Contagion should infect the Air,
And blast my understanding with the horrid Sound.
Ant.
Oh credulous Man, how hast thou been mistaken?
[Reads
This is not writ by me.
Alb.
Canst thou deny it?
Ant.
By all that's Sacred I do Swear, 'tis not my hand.
Alb.
Then I am happy, and yet wretched too,
Happy to find my friend and Mistriss true:
But, oh I have profain'd her spotless Virtue,
And plaid the Tyrant, where I should adore.
Thus let me implore your pardon, Madam,
[Kneels
That goodness which cou'd Love me when unman'd
Plead for me now, since I'me restor'd.
Mir.
You cannot ask my Lord what I'de deny.
Alb.
Thus then I Seal my pardon tho' unworthy:
[kisses her hand.
Now let me pay my duty to my friend.
[Going to embrace Ant.
Ant.
That name is fled with my Astella's life,
Then I forsook it, when you renounc'd Humanity.
Alb.
Is that the wound? know then Astella lives.
Ant.
Lives! Oh my Joy!
Alb.
How cou'd you think i'de be so barbarous
I only did it to excite your rage.
Ant.
Then I forgive the rest, since I perceive
'Twas fury workt you to that height to wound me
When I releas'd you from your prison.
Alb.
Ha!
Then here's another riddle to be solv'd;
I saw, nor spoke to no one but my Jaylor,
Who guided me by a back-way from prison.
Ant.
Then 'twas Ricardo, whom I met i'th dark,
And who's the Cursed Authour of all these ills,
Now I can hold thee without fear of stinging,
No Viper hid in this close Embrace.
[Embrace
Alb.
Oh my brother, let me for ever thus Enfold thee in my Arms;
And you Madam, that could pitty my distress,
Let me for ever thus embrace and kiss your feet;
Thus like the Ivy twine about your knees,
And live to all Eternity thus over-blest with joy.
Mir.
Oh rise my best, my only dearest Lord;
Rise, and be for ever happy in my Arms.
Alb.
Oh 'tis too much, too much for me my Soul,
Thou only Mirror of all thy God-like Sex,
Sure thou wert form'd in Heaven by hands divine,
Whilst Quires of Angels hover'd round the shrine,
And smil'd to see a Saint so good and fair
Born, to enrich the world and be its Heir.
Mir.
My dear Alberto you forget your wound:
Alb.
'Tis but small, and will but serve to punish me
For all my Crimes, and breach of Friendship.
Ant.
Come, no more, we have been all too blame,
Thus fondly to believe what was not so;
But now the dire mistakes are known and plain,
And we will never be deceiv'd again.
Lop.
Now Sir, pray hear me, when you were gone, I was studying to
prevent your Duell, but Ricardo (how led there to hear me, the Devil and
he best knows) came sneaking behind me, and o're-heard me talking to
my self, then told me that he understood your design of Fighting with
Antonio, which he said he wou'd prevent, so desir'd me to Entrust him
with your Safety, Swearing (enough to damn him, if false) that you
were his dearest Friend, and that when your twatling-strings broke, his
heart-strings wou'd crack, the rest you know better then I.
Mir.
'Tis plain, Ricardo is the Engeneer,
Who has been buzzing in my Fathers ears,
To undermine our peace and comfort.
If I was not afraid of being hang'd for my policy I wou'd contrive
to countermine this fellow.
Ant.
We are thine for ever Lopez if thou dost.
Lop.
Why then Sir, lend me that Suit of Cloaths which you have on,
with which I'le personate you for a while (I hope you're not offended at
the Comparison) then I'le seek out Bernardo, his Servant, whom I will so
pump and wire-draw, that you may see through his Master, but leave me
to manage the rest.
Ant.
It has a face indeed.
Alb.
To morrow thou shalt have it Lopez,
And I will ever acknowledge thy kind Service.
Lop.
I humbly thank your Lordship.
Alb.
In what a Storm this strange mistake had cast me,
Tost on the Gloomy billows of despair,
Which heav'd by winds of Jealousy and rage,
Had almost rack'd my harrass'd Soul to ruine:
But since we're now in view of distant Land,
Once more i'le beg thee of thy angry Father
And drive away those Clouds oppress'd his Goodness:
Grant Heaven a happy issue to our troubles;
Give me but once to touch the promis'd shore,
And i'le embark on this rough Surge no more.
Exeunt Omnes.
| The Mistakes, or, The False Report | |