University of Virginia Library

Scene the second.

Enter Hamet Alhaz the Country Vicar.
Ham. Alhaz.
Sweet Gentiles all, I am that Parson
They lay the fault of all this Farce on,
And thus most basely do belye me
Having no Friend here to stand by me,
Saying this Journey they were put on
Only to feast my Chops with Mutton.
Although the scandal on our Coat lies,
Who ever says it in his throat lyes;
As though I'de keep a Jewish pascal.
But I may thank Hamet that Rascal,
For he, and that same Jackadandy
Emperour, came here for Ale and Brandy;
Laula, Morena, and t'other Gipsy
Came hither only to be tipsy:
And when spent Crimalhaz his store is
They will come out, and dance the Moris:
And I my self the Hobby-horse am;
Thus treated I without remorse am.

Enter a Messenger, viz. the Coffee-man.
Messen.
Hamet they have drunk all the fuddle
And straight will come here on a huddle.

Ham. Alhaz.
Then till they come I'le tell a story,
The strangest too, e're came before ye.
To day as I the wheat-Field stood in
The sky was alter'd on a suddain,
And look'd as thick as hasty pudding:
For lo, behold the Aiery Region
Had water in't to drown a Legion
Of Flies, had they been buzzing in it,
If you will credit one has seen it:
Then presently our goodly Sun shine,
Was grown almost as dusk as Moon shine;
And which did more encrease our wonder,
It did both lighten, rain, and thunder;
And wet to th'skin poor I, and Hamet,
But now it is too late to blame it:
Quoth I, let's find some place to sleep in,
This is no weather to keep Sheep in.
See what it is to be no Scholler,
This made the Woodcock grow in choller,
And at the gods to huff and spatter,
Swearing they were all drunk with water;
When I that stood but just behind him,
Besought their worships not to mind him:
[changes his place and voice.
Parson quoth he I'me not so silly,
Though you do strut in Piccadilly
And are a greater cheat than—
E're to be frighted with your canting,
More than you are at all my ranting:
Then he began to stare and goggle
Like skittish Jade about to boggle.
Then straight cry'd I, Hamet I'le leave ye,
Still praise the Gods though they deceive ye;
Yet I no Parson with starch't face am,
But in good sooth Hamel Alhaz am.

The Scene opens.
A Table furnish'd with Brandy, Ale, and Tobacco-pipes. Enter King, Queen, &c. with Attendants; their Trains supported by Porters and Gypsies; a Heathen dance is presented by Tinkers and Jack-puddings, who bring in an artificial broad spreading broom about which they dance to Drum-stick and Kettle, Tongs and Key, Morish, Timbrel and Salt-box, &c. In the Intervalls of the dance, this Song is sung by the Court, and the Chorus excellently perform'd by all the voices and instruments.
SONG.

After they have Danced a while, Muly Labas the Corn-cutter falls down, being dead drunk.
Moren.
Woe and alas, help, help some Brandy;
Oh help me some body that 's handy.

Q. Moth.
Pernicious Woman thou hast kill'd him,
And with base tipple over fill'd him.

Moren.
Mother it makes me more astonisht
To be by you now thus admonisht.
Did you not cry, Ply him with liquor,
Yawling out fill, fill, Daughter quicker.

Q. Moth.
Was I of drink so very craving?
I pitty her, this is meer raving,
She rages worse than huffing Players;
Go try if you can say your Prayers.

Moren.
I'le wing'd by love for you be groping,
Nor can I miss where you lie moping.

Turning to Muly Labas.
Crimalhaz.
What's the cause of all this rumble?
What was it ho, did make him tumble?

Moren.
You need not ask me what he aileth,
Do not you see his memory faileth?
Then thus in short, the all and sum is
My poor Labas, so drunk, as drum is:
Though he thus sweetly seems to slumber,
His Breeches are bedight with scumber.
Oh drunken Sister, Maudlin Mother,
Thus to disguise your Son and Brother.

Muly Labas wakes and speaks.
Muly Lab.
When Gods are in Olympus fluster'd,
And for a while half hufft and bluster'd:
Breeches for Petticoats they're chopping
In Masquerade to come hedg-hopping
Amongst us here to bellow.
Jove in disguise has been a Sculker
On Earth, to find him out a Bulker:
You know he once came down a trulling,
The shape of beastly great Town Bull in;
And so in twenty other dresses,
In Villages to find out Misses;
VVhich shews no Game i'th' upper Region,
chucks Morena the Apple-woman under the Chin.
Can be compar'd to the sweet Pidgeon,
Who e're disputes this is a widgeon.

Lies down and sleeps again.
Crimalhaz the Strong-water man addresses himself to Morena the Apple-woman.
Crimalhaz.
Sweet blouz you make us all look sadly,
To see you still take on thus madly;
But shou'd you blubber till to morrow,
There's no drink left to ease your sorrow.

Morena.
Oh Crimalhatchet, you are cruel
To use him thus, loves you but too well.

Crimalh.
Fresh as the Honey-suckles flower,
Say wilt thou be my Paramour.

Moren.
Stand off, bold impudent Invador,
Think'st thou I am of Copper made, or
Brass, that I my Labas shou'd wrong thus,
Now he but sleeps Dog-sleep among us.

Crimalhaz puts by her hood.
Crimalh.
Just so the blushing Morn appeareth,
When from behind black Cloud it leareth:
So falling rain doth look on Cherries,
When baskets full come here in Wherries.
Thus Orange looks new rub'd with piss-clout,
Or scullions face besmear'd with Dish-clout;
Such looks the Welkin puts on even
When Cuckolds are going to Heaven.

Moren.
Though on my shoulders you are leaning,
Yet I don't understand your meaning.

Crimalh.
So when Aurora's Dew doth scatter,
Rose-buds do smile quite through her water;
And whil'st your Roses are distilling
Of their sweet Liquor, I'le be swilling.

Crimalhaz the Strong-water-man, offers to kiss Morena the Applewoman, and bites her Pendents which are two Pears.
Moren.
Fie, get you gon you nasty swabber,
For I do hate your ugly slabber.

Crimalh.
I gave you where withal to paint ye,
Therefore you need not be so dainty.
flings away and comes again.
Against all these I'le fight your battle,
And give each of them a sound rattle;
One Brandy bottle is behind yet
And hid, where none but I can find it.

Moren.
Indeed?

Crimalh.
And you shall have your share on't,
Before your company is 'ware on't;
Come tell me now, will you not love me?

Moren.
I'le do in that as shall behove me.

Crimalh.
Then stay not here, but let's together.

Moren.
I will do both—I can do neither.
Revenge says go, honor does no say,
Truly I do not know what to say.

[whispers.
Laula the Hostess strikes at Crimalhaz the Strong-water-man, and hits Morena the Apple-woman, they make a great scuffle and Hamet Alhaz the Country Vicar runs out with Mariamne the Scinder Wench, Muly Hamet the Dray-man a little after at another Door.
Q. Moth.
Out fornicator are you billing,
And is your Franion too so willing?

Ham. Alhaz.
Come thou with me thou pretty Harlot,
And I will be thy loving Varlot.

They all fall in confusion, tumbling one over another, Muly Hamet the Dray-man Enters as they go out.
Muly Ham.
That I my baggage now shou'd lose so,
Does make me wilder than Furioso:
I shou'd have kill'd all that came near me,
Nay even those that did but hear me,
Made all the Furies stand affrighted,
Like trembling Children when benighted.
But they most basely have outrun me,
Alas, alas, they 've quite undone me;
And left so many woes to grieve me,
That Divine Brandy can't relieve me;
If you'd describe grim Pluto's dwelling,
'Tis done by my sad Story telling.

Enter Abdelcador (a Porter, smoaking a Pipe of Tobacco,) Ambassador from Taffilet to Muly Hamet the Dray-man.
Abdelcad.
Kind Taffilet hearing your praises,
H'as turn'd his army to pick Daysies;
And gives to you our great Metropolis
With all Excises and Monopolies;
Swearing I pray you Sir observe it,
That your stout drinking does deserve it;
And soon, he'le privately come hither,
That you two may be drunk together.

Muly Ham.
All this alas, to me's no blessing,
Now my kind Bona-Roba's missing;
For neither conquest, thrones, nor treasure,
Without a Wench, yield any pleasure.
Enter Hamet Alhaz the Country Vicar, Bound.
Thus stript of thy black gowns protection,
I order thee Gentle correction;
Tyed up to post, instead of Gaunches,
Thou shalt be drubb'd on both thy haunches.

Ham. Alhaz.
Princox, I scorn thee, and thy malice;
And in thy Guts, wish all thy Tallyes.

Ham. Alhaz is led off to Execution.
Enter Abdrahaman the Chimney-sweeper, leading Mariamne the Scinder-Wench.
Abdrah.
I found your Trull behind yon Bushes,
Sleeping upon a Tuft of Rushes;
Stretcht out at length on her back lying,
Some warm thoughts thereby signifying:
Louder, than any Porpus snoring;
Oh, what man cou'd forbear adoring?

Muly Ham.
Thanks brave Heroick Chimney-sweeper;
Hold, thou shalt be my Tally keeper.

Abdrah.
How? I keep your Tallyes! no such matter,
She in my chops makes too much water,
I'le fly from her for all this pother,
Yet I scarce know, where's such another.

Abdrahaman the Chimney-sweeper offers to go, but is stay'd by Muly Hamet the Dray-man.
Muly Ham.
Oh stay and drink some Ale that's nappy,
And make me just as th'ast made he happy.

Abdrah.
I'le not stay, though you had the Town full,
But will suppose I have my Crown full;
And my self banish from her presence,
Of all my joys the verry Essence;
And to what place so e're I blunder,
I'le think I see this Cole-yard wonder.
Exit Abdraham. the Chimney-sweeper.

Muly Ham.
I do not value all their talking,
Now I have got agen my Maulkin;
Then since thou art my only dowdy,
Fie, do not wear thy face so cloudy.

Mariam.
Abdrahaman, I must not forget yet,
For I am sure y' are in his debt yet.

Hamet Alhaz the Country Vicar discover'd, tyed to a Post.
Muly Ham.
My justice on yon scoundrel ended,
I with a Crown shall be befriended;
Pish, what are Crowns to a fine Woman,
Though most of them are very common;
All blessings not compar'd with drinking,
Aretine shews, (to my thinking,)
Drink in the first place I adore thee,
Next Woman, I fall down before thee;
Therefore I'le take thee my sweet Trallop
Behind me, and so homeward gallop:
Empire's but toil, though Commons wou'd leave grumbling;
And age in that's not worth an hour in fumbling.

[going out.
Enter Labas the Corn-cutter hastily, with his Sword drawn to Muly Hamet the Dray-man.
Muly Lab.
Turn scoundrel turn thee and thy Trull resign,
Know I will have her, if she will be mine.

Muly Ham.
Labas—
Come from my Punk, why dost thou tempt thy fate,
She's my concern—

Muly Ham.
—this shall the brawl debate
[meanes his Sword.
Who can the tough oft Fox and longest show,
Will find all doxies his, or make them so.

Muly Ham.
Are you not asham'd—de'c come here to brawl?
Begone—I'le tear thee from my Natural.

Mariam.
Unhand me Caitiffs for I hate you both.

Muly Lab.
Both—Both—did you say
[spreading his arms.
O murrain luck!
[thumping his breast.
Can Jove hear this? I'le to prevent this wrong,
Scold with my Eyes, and blubber with my tongue.

[weeping.
Muly Ham.
Dost thou come here to whine—
What wilt thou dare to do for her, wou't weep,
Wou't drink, wou't swear, wou't rant, wou't sleep,
Wou't toss a Bottle, eat a Custard, or Mince-pye,
Wou't go to bed with her, why so will I.

Muly Lab.
Ha, ha, he.—
Dost thou know what th'ast said now? If I do
Not do all this, and a thousand things more—
Nay if I do not eat, drink, sleep, go to bed with her,
Play at Scotch-hoppers, chuck-farthing, or any thing
And all that, I am the verry'st Son of a Whore breathing.

Spoken laughing, but very positively.
Muly Ham.
O Villain dost thou grin, dar'st thou believe
After my Drab is gone, that thou shalt live?

Muly Lab.
VVhat—am I slighted, then I will not die,
Till I from you obtain what you deny.

They fight, and after several Passes Muly Hamet the Dray-man falls, and Muly Labas the Corn-cutter full of remorse beating his Brest speaks.
Muly Lab.
What Murrain luck, did urge me to contend
Against this honest Fellow, my old Friend?
And yet the baggage I must still pursue,
Let Quean which made the brawl, excuse it too.
Exit Muly Labas the Corn-cutter.

Muly Hamet the Dray-man rises and speaks.
Muly Ham.
Doxie! Doxie!
O thou hast a tender thing!
I'de rather lose a bit of both my Eares,
Did I her warlike Pimp full fourteen years,
Outswear her Hectors, and outface her Dun,
While the vile Girl to Coverlet did run;
Out-cheat the Ale-house when we run o' tick,
Out-last the Headles Penitential whip;
Out-eat old Mariot—out-huff Bottle Beer,
Out-cant the Gypsie and the Maunderer;
And there where last Night's reck'ning was unpay'd,
When Watchmen furr'd like Bears made all afraid:
I did with hands in Pocket door maintain,
'Gainst show'res of marrow bones and Piss pot Rain,
Have I made Wive's secur'd by Husbands yield,
Sent snotty Rascals cursing from loves Field;
Must I for fop Labas all this forgo,
For which I did so impudently throw?
He steales my Doxie e're my job is done,
Who can but dream of Claps that I have won.

Exit.