University of Virginia Library

SCENE II. The Chancellour's Apartment.

Enter Sly, and Secret Assurance with Papers in their hands; Then the Mace and Purse, The Chancellour. On each side of him Judges who Complement him, and then take their leave: Then the Chancellour sits in a Chairs of State while the Lawyers present him with New-Years Guifts.
1. Law.
I beg your Lordship would accept of this poor offering,
I have had but a bad Term; as the times mend
My Acknowlengments shall grow greater.
[Exit Law.

Chan.
Three broad Pieces
(counts the mony)

This fellow will come to nothing, I remember him an Attorney, you
know him Secret.

Sec.

Yes, and Please you, he was once of the house of which I'm
President, he always shun'd coming into Commons, and us'd to Dine at
a three-penny Celler, always went to bed by day-light, Stole Paper and
Pens, and begg'd Ink, he had but one Band which he wash'd himself at
the Pump, and then dry'd it by the Hall-fire.

2d Law.

If your Lordship be at Leisure—

gives him money
Chan.

Councellor Dunderpate, I am glad to see you, I hope your family
is well:

2d. Law.

At your Lordships Service:

Chan.

You're a sensible man, 10 Pieces—well I never forget my friends.

2d. Law.

There is a Cause will come before your Lordship between
Pluckat and Holdfast—now I am for the the Defendant—Holdfast and
the Case is thus—

Chan.

Why you rascall, are you going to Corrupt me with prepossession
of the Cause e're I've heard—

2d. Law.

With your Lordships permission—

Chan.

Sirrah, I will have nothing to do with it till it Lyes before me;
Why you Jackanapes because I indulge your Presents d'you think I take
'em as Bribes—ha!

2d. Law.

I beg your Lordships pardon, thus I confess my Errour.

[gives more money.
Chan.

This makes some attonement, but d'hear, if ever I catch you at
the like, as opening the merrits of the Cause in Private again—I'le make
you such an Example, that that—Sly take Councellor Dunderpate into
the Buttery, and give him a bottle of Sack.

2. Law.

Your Lordships Devoted Slave.

[Ex. Sly and Dun.
Several Law.

If it please your gracious Lordship.

Chan.

Why, lay down what you have, I cannot look over it now.

They lay down their Presents, he smiles on some, nods upon others, more or less; as he likes their Guifts, they go off.
Enter Serjeant Eitherside.
Chan.

Serjeant Eitherside, how do you? I hope your Brother-in-Law
Serjeant Huddle-Cause is well: I am glad to see you, you are my old
Friend and Acquaintance, (let me see) above 20 years standing: ha is't
not so?

Serj.

Your Lordship hits the mark of time Exactly, and I Protest the
Honour you have done me requires requires Acknowledgment beyond the Talent

I am endow'd withal; Let me therefore, avoiding Prolixity, Profoundly
Celebrate your Lordships Praises, and acquaint the World, the
favours you have plac'd on me your Creature, Exhalts me to the Pinacle
of Ambition, and as an Incumbent duty obliges me to Consecrate my
self and Posterity to your Lordships Pleasure: Give me admittance therefore
most humbly to pay this Tribute of Duty, and with it the Orizons
of many happy years.

Chan.

The Man speaks well (weighs the purse)
there's weight in his
words; a great sign of an able Pleader—how does your Nelce?

Serj.

My Lord.

Chan.

How does your Neice, I say, what art thou deaf?

Serj.

She's well my gracious Lord, and happy that your Emminence
takes notice of her.

Chan.

I never saw her, but am told she's a notable baggage, a tite Lass
and a pretty one:

Secret.

Fetch her whilst his bloud's warm, I see it glow through his
Praises.

[Exit Serjeant Eitherside.
Enter more who give money.
Chan.
Lay it down I say, why I won't forget ye.
[They all bow mighty low and retire.

If this trade were to last the year round, I should have a fine time on't,
Gold in abundance, without which (as Anthony said) the world's not
worth my Care: 'tis great Pitty the first of January comes but once in a
twelvemonth. Every one of these Crouching Fawning Sniveling Sons of
Perdition expect I should do wonders for 'em, but I know none of 'em;
as I Look up their Presents I bury their memories:—nor can I recollect
'em under under fresh ones—Secret. I am but a man, yet am glad
to do good in my Function when the Persons are truly sensible.

Secret.

'Tis a great goodness in you then.

Chan.

Why there's that old spawn of the Serpent; Eitherside, a fellow
of rare parts, eminent Practice; I have known him undo twenty
People, and they never the wiser—a very wicked fellow—but then
on the other hand his Repentance is always so hearty, so Substantiall
and feeling, that my nature is overcome with his Penitence, and I can
no more chide him then I can refuse his Oblation.

Secret.

Such men are wanting to fill the Bench withall, and I hope he
may stand fair in your Lordships opinion in the next remove, he'd perform
his part rarely, he's no Charitable Conscientious Timerous Fellow,
but a Thorough-pac'd Lawyer, and mighty hearty in the Cause—

Chan.

Say'st thou so man, and by my Troth it was well thought on;

if these Peuking velvet-hearted Wary Knaves that pretend to Scruples
and seem averse to comply with the Queens desires hang an Arse any
longer, they shall make room for more deserving Persons—I do admire
they can have so little Grace as to receive a Plentifull Salary and make
no return for it.

Secret.

I'le pawn my Soul for him—his temper may be moulded to
what use occasion shall require; besides his wants will prompt him to
comply, his Gains are not sufficient to maintain his family as his Wife
would have it, for she loves to go fine as most of 'em do; and for a new
gown would make him give away the Justest Cause in the world; his
Estate too is morgag'd past recovery, to maintain her pride.

Chan.

But his Neice Secret his Neice.

Secret.

Oh she's the Prettiest Creature, my eyes e're look'd on, such a
Composition of flesh and bloud, so Witty, so Modest, so Alluring—

Chan.

And such a Servant I want, for I am grown of late so melancholly,
I am not what I was—we are all flesh and bloud Secret, if she's of
a coming-nature she's made for ever, I grow aged, this Turmoyling in
the Government, what with my affairs o'th State, and bustling on the
Bench, bandying about Equity and one thing or other, wearys me out
strangely—I want like the Heathen Monarchs, my Saraglio, to refresh
me after the business of the day, but I must keep that to my self—and
is she tractable?

Secret.

Easy as Innocence it self; he's gone to fetch her.

Chan.

Sayst thou?

Secret.

He's gone to fetch her:

Chan.

Hither.

Secret.

Hither to your Lordship.

Chan.

He shall be a Judge, let him bring her instantly; I am much
refresh'd with the thoughts that I can serve the Nation and my self so
Luckily—go and bid the Serjeant prepare for his advancement.

Sly.

I shall my Lord

[Exit Sly

Secret.

Will it please your Lordship to peruse these Papers?

Chan.

No Sir, I design to peruse something else I thank you, I will
not have my Imagination disturb'd, nor my fancy pall'd; tell me of Papers
when I'm to give my Judgment upon flesh and bloud: what do you
take me for nothing but hurry-durry all my life long: thou thinkst my
brains are taken up like thine who's to be fined next: no, thou half-skin
of Parchment, I hate the Sin of being Covetous, tho' I love Gold
Extremly, not altogether in regard as it is money, but because Physitians
have told me 'tis a great Restorative, you Varlet.

Secret.

I beg your Lordships pardon.

Chan.

Pardon, why you Jack-Call to the Law, did'st think I was angry,
angry on a New-years day, angry when Riches and Love is towards
me, no, no—but heark you Sirrah:

Secret.

What is your Pleasure?

Chan.

That shall be nameless—Sirrah, was ever such a Question
ask'd a man in my office? why, you Sawcy Impertinent—
Enter Sly.
Ha! is she coming rogue, say you? you little sucking Devill, by the
Mass I'm strangely alter'd within this half hour—Look you, I am not
angry Secret, as I said before—but, is she such a pretty sweet dapper
Peice of beauty? I will make thee a great man shortly by the Mass.

Sly.

My Lord, she's whatsoever you can fancy, nor can you stretch
your thoughts into Imagination, but she Exceeds it in substance; her
Uncle overjoy'd at the Good Office brings her himself.

Chan.

He shall be a Judge—shall—he is already.

Sly.

See, they are here my Lord.

Enter Serjeant Eitherside and his Neice Maria.
Chan.
Leave us.
[Exit Secret and Sly.

A glorious Woman: how her eyes sparkle, and how the bloud juts in
and out upon her cheecks, as if it hop'd some good were coming toward
her—come, sweet one,
[kisses]
Her lips are made of Velvet, smooth, soft, and plyable; I'le lip her and
eye her, and every thing her.—Serjeant, as I told you before, I have a
great kindness for you, and hearing that you had a Neice of worthy Education,
whose merits spoke her praise (oh you little baggage) I can
do no less, having your Preferment in my eye, then while I was doing
good for you in some measure, to advance your Neices fortune, my
House wants such a sober discreet young Woman to manage it, and by
the way I must call you my Lord.

Ser.

Oh Sir!

Chan.

Indeed I must—the Queen upon my Request doth conferr
the office of Judge on you, as you deserve; that for ought I know you
may be in a little time Chief Justice—This I have done my friend to
serve you: But to the matter, what say you Mr. Serjeant (my Lord, I
beg your pardon) are you willing to put your Neice under my care and
Protection? ha!

Ser.

My Lord you so highly oblige me, I am struck silent with the manner

of it—a Judge, Chief-Justice, I am confounded with the honour—
My Lord, the Maid is whatever you please to make her.

Chan.

Then I'le make a Woman of her speedily: What say you pretty
Lady, are you free to take the trouble upon you? I am a weak man
and have but few Relations—If I do well I'le make your fortunes: If I
dye, you shall have no Cause to repent.

Mar.

Would thou wert dead already; must I then be the Sacrifice to
my Uncles Ambition? be steady Virtue, and assist me Heav'n, tho' poor,
I'le not be base—Oh Mountacute.

Chan.

What say you fair one?

Mari.

In any honest way I should be proud to serve your Lordship,
and obey my Uncle.

Chan.

Pretty Innocence, I am but twenty—not so much I believe,
I know not what I am.

Ser.

He may in time make her his Heir, at least her fortunes made, and
I am freed of a Burthen—My worthy Lord, her mind and mine are all
one, she is the Creature of your Pleasure, and will take any Impression
your Lordship shall stamp on her (a Judge—) Wife be of Comfort, thy
Chariot shall be turn'd into a Coach; Thy Pew at Church be strip'd of
Baise, and lin'd with Velvet, and thou shalt take place of my Lady Mayoress
Neice; you were born under a happy Planet, fortune throws her
self into your Lap, make use on't while 'tis offer'd, a Lord—oh lack a
day, I can't contain my extasy.

Chan.

Have you consider'd little one of the offer? you shall Command
in Chief, and be esteem'd as if my Sister:

No harm shall come to you.

Mar.

I hope not.

Chan.

Fear it not.

Mar.

I trust in your honour, your Robe's too worthy sure to harbour
ill.

Ser.

Neice, you must not talk so Impertinently: Incline your minde
and body as his Chancellorship and holyness shall think fit.

Mar.

Hold there, good Uncle.

Chan.

I am mightily o'rejoy'd it should fall out so pat that I can serve
my old Friend: 'Tis an Angelical Jade, and I grow very warm: well
Childe, I will take care of you: My Lord, within two days your Patent
shall be ready; I would discourse a little with your Neice in Private—
I protest things fall out so lucky.

Ser.

I'le leave her with your Lordship.

Chan.

Pray call me Brother-Lord, we are both Judges now and Lords
alike.

Ser.

Then Brother-Lord—oh pretty—I'le leave her with your Brother
Lordship.

Chan.

Do, do.

Mar.

How will you leave me alone with a man Uncle?

Serj.

Peace baggage—Uncle—I'm a Judge.

Chan.

Why are you affraid of an old man?

Serj.

I'le make the Knaves that brought the extent against me
smoak—a Judge—I'le feague the Rogues—Brother, I am your
Lordships most humble and eternally engaged servant and Judge.

Chan.
Oh my Lord Judge your friend:

[goes to the door with the Serjeant and Locks it.
Mar.
Ha! What now! I finde here will be sport,
But Mountacute I will not wrong my love to thee,
I have kept it Pure unsully'd hitherto,
And will, spight of this mighty man,
And mightyer Villain Uncle.

Chan.

My Dear Child I shall respect thy Uncle infinitely for thy sake,
thou hast the Inticing'st Look with thee—I must peep in thy face and
admire thy features—nay, be not bashfull, I am thy friend, thy Governour,
and thou art become my particular Care.

Mar.

Nay, fye my Lord;

Chan.

By the Mass I have a greater kindness for thee then I can express;
why you little Cherubim, what a pair of pretty swelling powting
bubbies hast thou got, they play in and out as they were at bo-peep.
I must Initiate 'em into my favour.

Mar.

Nay, my Lord for Shame.

Chan.

Sweeter then Jessamin or Honey-Suckles, she has call'd my heart
up to my Lips, but I'le make her draw it down to its place: come child.

[he pulls her.
Mar.

Nay, pray my Lord, do no Violence;

Chan.

Why you baggage, if to look Babys in your eyes, to play with
those Lilly white snow-Balls, and to smother thee with kisses be to use
violence, I cannot forbear it.

Mar.

Does this become your Coat my Lord?

Chan.

No matter for my Coat child, it agrees with my body, nay, I
must Plunder.

Mar.

Help, help, within there.

Chan.

Hush huswife, here here's Gold for thee, thou shalt have more
then thou can'st carry.

Mar.

I never can deserve this bounty, nor can I guess why 'tis you
bribe your Servant thus, indeed you make me blush.

Chan.

There she has me again, such another Glance and I am a dead
man: fye, fye, a bribe, a paw-word: Why I have given thee my heart
already, and going to put my body into thy Possession.

Mar.

For Heaven's sake are you Pious?

Chan.

I am not Pious, nay, hang not back, for I will rifle thy sweets,
and bury my self in thy bosome, I will, I will.

Mar.

Help, Murder, Uncle, what shall I do?

Mortimer within.
Mort.

My Lord, Lord Chancellor, ha! are you at it?

Enter Sly.
Sly.

Sir, Sir, My Lord the Earl of March is coming.

Chan.

Let him go to the Devill, could he find no other time but now,
I never disturb'd him at his Recreations.

Sly.

What shall I say my Lord?

Chan.

Say any thing, and be damn'd: Why, you Rascal, you a Lawyer,
and to seek for a Lye.

Mort.
within.

When Priest, when come you?

Mar.

This is lucky.

Chan.

I must to him, the Devill fetch him, go, go, into that Room,
I'le be with you presently; nay, go, all shall be well, and I'le be civill.
[puts her off and locks her in.
You dog could you not deny me, had you no sooner done the Office of
bringing us together, but you must break off the bargain before we had
Sign'd and Seal'd.

Sly.

'Tis some earnest business in the Law he says.

Mort.
Why Chancellour?

Chan.
Well, well, I'm coming,
And when I have dispatch'd him I'le withdraw,
And read another Lesson then the Law.

[Exeunt.