University of Virginia Library

Fool:
In comes I bold Tom
As bold as a lion
A blacksmiths shop
Without any iron
A pair of old bellows
all full of holes
An old iron stiddy
and not many coals
Open spoken France and Spain
In comes our Sargent
on the the same

Enter Sargent
Sarge:
In comes I the recruting sargent I've arrived in here just now
I have had orders from the Queen to list all fellers that follow
orse cart or plough
Likewise Tinkers Taylors Pedlers and Sailors
Fools at my advance
The more I hear the fiddlers play the better I can dance

Fool:
What me a fool come to see you dance

Sarge:
Yes I can hear them dance, sing or play

Fool:
If you begin to dance sing or play
I shall quickly march away
Praps in a short time the lady will be here

Lady
(sings):
In comes the lady bright and gay
Big fortune make sweet charms
Its scornful how I'm thrown away
Out of some dear one's arms
He swears if I don't marry him
That you will understand
He'll list all for a soldier
And go to some foreign land.

Fool:
Do you love me pretty fair maiden
Yes unto my sorrow
When'st to be our wedding day
Tommy loves tomorrow

All three
start to dance
Toorooriadio, Tommys wed tommorio

Fool:

Stop! Stop! Stop!
Whats all thi dancing and jiggin about 'eres a tight boy to dance
I can dance on a barley chaff riddle. It will neither bend nor break
one strand

I am going to ask all you stickmejacks to me and ladys wedding
and what you like the best you must bring on with you. I know
what me and me lady likes and what me lady is goin to have. We're
going to have a barley chaff dumplin buttered with wool and a
gallon of ropy ale to it. So its ladies and gentlemen's you've eerd
all my part I can act the fools part just as well as any other
Shuffles em rarnd with stick
Only wait a short time perhaps old Dame Jane will be ere

D. J.:
In cums I old Dame Jane with a neck as long as a crane
Dib Dab over the meadow once I was a blooming maid But now
I am a down right old widow
(Has a doll in hand)
(To Fool)
Tommy its a long time since I sawt thee but now I've caught thee.
Since all my joys exhausted since you called me what you did pray
tommy take your bastard (Gives doll to Tommy)
Look at its chin
its nose its eyes its as much like you as ever it could bin

Tom:
What is it He male or Shemale (Take your feeder and spoon it)

Lady:
Shemale

Tom:
All mines Hemale
(Claps hand on leg)
Thats my leg you old faggit ive note ter thank you for Only wait a
short time old Eezum Squeezum

E. S.:
In cums I old Eezum squeezum on me back I carry my beezum
In mi hand a whip leather frying pan bread an cheeze in a bag
puddin in a lantern if you had been where Ive been you would never
be wanted. Is there anybody here can stand afore this.

Ribboner:
Yes I can for my head is made of iron my body is made of steel, and
no one can make me feel [OMITTED]
My shins is muttle bone

E. S.:
Aw carnt they

(Clouts Rib. and knocks him down)
Fool:
Five pound for a doctor

Someone:
Ten pound to stop away

Another:
Fifteen pound and he must come at once

Doc.:
In comes I the doctor

Fool:
What you a doctor

Doc.:
Yes I've travelled for it

F.:
Where've you travelled

Doc.:
I've travelled all over the world
I've travelled England Scotland France and Spain
Three times round the world and back again to old England

F.:
Havnt you been nowhere else

Doc.:

Yes I once went three mile yon side York to an old Lady called
misses Cork
She fell upstairs with an empty teapot full of flour and grazed her
shinbone just above her elbow and made her stocking bleed

Fool:
What pains can you cure

Doc.:
I can cure the hipsy pipsy palsy gout pain within and pain without
Draw tooth set a leg cure almost any pain in the head

Fool:
Clever doctor try your skill

Doc.:
Thank you sir so I will

Places hat, coat, gloves, stick on table. Begins to feel of old man
Fool:
Is that the strongest part about a man

Doc.:

Its the strongest part about a woman. I've a little bottle in my inside
coat trousers waistcoat pocket. He wants a little of my wiff waff just
rubbin' round 'is tiff taff. This man is not dead hes only in a trance
come rise up old man and lets have a dance if you can't dance we
can sing come rise up old man and lets begin

All
start to sing)
Good master and good mistress
As you sit round your fire
Remember us poor ploughboys,
Who plough through mud and mire
The mire it is so very deep
The water runs so clear
Give what you like to our money box
And a mug of your best beer
(Send round collection box)
(Fool goes out)
Good master and good mistress
You see our fool as gone
We make it in our busness
To follow him alone
He swears if I don't marry him
As you will understand
He'll list all for a soldier and go to some foreign land

(Give greetins on exit)
[OMITTED] On a later sheet:

Whoa Whoa Wopsy old boy which of you old boys can 'old my 'orse
'es a donkey 'es a rum un to kick mind he doesnt bite you my lads.