 | The Merry Wiues of Windsor |  |
Actus Tertius.
Scœna Prima.
Enter Euans, Simple, Page, Shallow, Slender, Host, Caius, Rugby.Euans.
I pray you now, good Master Slenders seruing-man,
and friend Simple by your name; which way haue
you look'd for Master Caius, that calls himselfe Doctor
of Phisicke.
Sim.
Marry Sir, the pittie-ward, the Parke-ward:
euery way: olde Windsor way, and euery way but the
Towne-way.
Euan.
I most fehemently desire you, you will also
looke that way.
Sim.
I will sir.
Euan.
'Plesse my soule: how full of Chollors I am, and
trempling of minde: I shall be glad if he haue deceiued
me: how melancholies I am? I will knog his Vrinalls about
his knaues costard, when I haue good oportunities
for the orke: 'Plesse my soule: To shallow Ruiers to whose
falls: melodious Birds sings Madrigalls: There will we make
our Peds of Roses: and a thousand fragrant posies. To shallow:
'Mercie on mee, I haue a great dispositions to cry,
Melodious birds sing Madrigalls:—When as I sat in Pabilon:
and a thousand vagram Posies. To shallow, &c.
Sim.
Yonder he is comming, this way, Sir Hugh.
Euan.
Hee's welcome: To shallow Riuers, to whose fals:
Heauen prosper the right: what weapons is he?
Sim.
No weapons, Sir: there comes my Master, M
r.
Shallow, and another Gentleman; from Frogmore, ouer
the stile, this way.
Euan.
Pray you giue mee my gowne, or else keepe it
in your armes.
Shal.
How now Master Parson? good morrow good
Sir Hugh: keepe a Gamester from the dice, and a good
Studient from his booke, and it is wonderfull.
Slen.
Ah sweet Anne Page.
Page.
'Saue you, good Sir Hugh.
Euan.
'Plesse you from his mercy-sake, all of you.
Shal.
What? the Sword, and the Word?
Doe you study them both, Mr. Parson?
Page.
And youthfull still, in your doublet and hose,
this raw-rumaticke day?
Euan.
There is reasons, and causes for it.
Page.
We are come to you, to doe a good office, M
r.
Parson.
Euan.
Fery-well: what is it?
Page.
Yonder is a most reuerend Gentleman; who
(be-like) hauing receiued wrong by some person, is at
most odds with his owne grauity and patience, that euer
you saw.
Shal.
I haue liued foure-score yeeres, and vpward: I
neuer heard a man of his place, grauity, and learning, so
wide of his owne respect.
Euan.
What is he?
Page.
I thinke you know him: M
r. Doctor Caius the
renowned French Physician.
Euan.
Got's-will, and his passion of my heart: I had
as lief you would tell me of a messe of porredge.
Page.
Why?
Euan.
He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates and
Galen, and hee is a knaue besides: a cowardly knaue, as
you would desires to be acquainted withall.
Page.
I warrant you, hee's the man should fight with
him.
Slen.
O sweet Anne Page.
Shal.
It appeares so by his weapons: keepe them asunder:
here comes Doctor Caius.
Page.
Nay good M
r. Parson, keepe in your weapon.
Shal.
So doe you, good M
r. Doctor.
Host.
Disarme them, and let them question: let them
keepe their limbs whole, and hack our English.
Cai.
I pray you let-a-mee speake a word with your
eare; vherefore vill you not meet-a me?
Euan.
Pray you vse your patience in good time.
Cai.
By-gar, you are de Coward: de Iack dog: Iohn
Ape.
Euan.
Pray you let vs not be laughing-stocks to other
mens humors: I desire you in friendship, and I will one
way or other make you amends: I will knog your Vrinal
about your knaues Cogs-combe.
Cai.
Diable: Iack Rugby: mine Host de Iarteer: haue I
not stay for him, to kill him? haue I not at de place I did
appoint?
Euan.
As I am a Christians-soule, now looke you:
this is the place appointed, Ile bee iudgement by mine
Host of the Garter.
Host.
Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaule, French & Welch,
Soule-Curer, and Body-Curer.
I, dat is very good, excellant.
Host.
Peace, I say: heare mine Host of the Garter,
Am I politicke? Am I subtle? Am I a Machiuell?
Shall I loose my Doctor? No, hee giues me the Potions
and the Motions. Shall I loose my Parson? my Priest?
my Sir Hugh? No, he giues me the Prouerbes, and the
No-verbes. Giue me thy hand (Celestiall) so: Boyes of
Art, I haue deceiu'd you both: I haue directed you to
wrong places: your hearts are mighty, your skinnes are
whole, and let burn'd Sacke be the issue: Come, lay their
swords to pawne: Follow me, Lad of peace, follow, follow,
follow.
Shal.
Trust me, a mad Host: follow Gentlemen, follow.
Slen.
O sweet Anne Page.
Cai.
Ha'do I perceiue dat? Haue you make-a-de-sot
of vs, ha, ha?
Eua.
This is well, he has made vs his vlowting-stog:
I desire you that we may be friends: and let vs knog our
praines together to be reuenge on this same scall scuruy-cogging-companion
the Host of the Garter.
Cai.
By gar, with all my heart: he promise to bring
me where is Anne Page: by gar he deceiue me too.
Euan.
Well, I will smite his noddles: pray you follow.
Scena Secunda.
Mist. Page, Robin, Ford, Page, Shallow, Slender, Host, Euans, Caius.Mist. Page.
Nay keepe your way (little Gallant) you
were wont to be a follower, but now you are a Leader:
whether had you rather lead mine eyes, or eye your masters
heeles?
Rob.
I had rather (forsooth) go before you like a man,
then follow him like a dwarfe.
M. Pa.
O you are a flattering boy, now I see you'l be a Courtier.
Ford.
Well met mistris Page, whether go you.
M. Pa.
Truly Sir, to see your wife, is she at home?
Ford.
I, and as idle as she may hang together for want
of company: I thinke if your husbands were dead, you
two would marry.
M. Pa.
Be sure of that, two other husbands.
Ford.
Where had you this pretty weather-cocke?
M. Pa.
I cannot tell what (the dickens) his name is my
husband had him of, what do you cal your Knights name sirrah?
Rob.
Sir Iohn Falstaffe.
Ford.
Sir Iohn Falstaffe.
M. Pa.
He, he, I can neuer hit on's name; there is such a
league betweene my goodman, and he: is your Wife at home indeed?
Ford.
Indeed she is.
M. Pa.
By your leaue sir, I am sicke till I see her.
Ford.
Has Page any braines? Hath he any eies? Hath he
any thinking? Sure they sleepe, he hath no vse of them:
why this boy will carrie a letter twentie mile as easie, as
a Canon will shoot point-blanke twelue score: hee peeces
out his wiues inclination: he giues her folly motion
and aduantage: and now she's going to my wife, & Falstaffes
boy with her: A man may heare this showre sing
in the winde; and Falstaffes boy with her: good plots,
they are laide, and our reuolted wiues share damnation
together. Well, I will take him, then torture my wife,
plucke the borrowed vaile of modestie from the so-seeming
Mist. Page, divulge Page himselfe for a secure and
wilfull Acteon, and to these violent proceedings all my
neighbors shall cry aime. The clocke giues me my Qu,
and my assurance bids me search, there I shall finde Falstaffe:
I shall be rather praisd for this, then mock'd, for
it is as possitiue, as the earth is firme, that Falstaffe is
there: I will go.
Shal. Page &c.
Well met M
r
Ford.
Ford.
Trust me, a good knotte; I haue good cheere at
home, and I pray you all go with me.
Shal.
I must excuse my selfe M
r
Ford.
Slen.
And so must I Sir,
We haue appointed to dine with Mistris Anne,
And I would not breake with her for more mony
Then Ile speake of.
Shal.
We haue linger'd about a match betweene An
Page, and my cozen Slender, and this day wee shall haue
our answer.
Slen.
I hope I haue your good will Father Page.
Pag.
You haue Mr Slender, I stand wholly for you,
But my wife (Mr Doctor) is for you altogether.
Cai.
I be-gar, and de Maid is loue-a-me: my nursh-a-Quickly
tell me so mush.
Host.
What say you to yong M
r
Fenton? He capers,
he dances, he has eies of youth: he writes verses, hee
speakes holliday, he smels April and May, he wil carry't,
he will carry't, 'tis in his buttons, he will carry't.
Page.
Not by my consent I promise you. The Gentleman
is of no hauing, hee kept companie with the wilde
Prince, and Pointz: he is of too high a Region, he knows
too much: no, hee shall not knit a knot in his fortunes,
with the finger of my substance: if he take her, let him
take her simply: the wealth I haue waits on my consent,
and my consent goes not that way.
Ford.
I beseech you heartily, some of you goe home
with me to dinner: besides your cheere you shall haue
sport, I will shew you a monster: M
r Doctor, you shal
go, so shall you M
r
Page, and you Sir Hugh.
Shal.
Well, fare you well:
We shall haue the freer woing at Mr Pages.
Cai.
Go home Iohn Rugby, I come anon.
Host.
Farewell my hearts, I will to my honest Knight
Falstaffe, and drinke Canarie with him.
Ford.
I thinke I shall drinke in Pipe-wine first with
him, Ile make him dance. Will you go, Gentles?
All.
Haue with you, to see this Monster.
Exeunt
Scena Tertia.
Enter M. Ford, M. Page, Seruants, Robin, Falstaffe, Ford, Page, Caius, Euans.Mist. Ford.
What Iohn, what Robert.
M, Page.
Quickly, quickly: Is the Buck-basket—
Mis. Ford.
I warrant. What Robin I say.
Mis. Page.
Come, come, come.
Mist. Ford.
Heere, set it downe.
M. Pag.
Giue your men the charge, we must be briefe.
M. Ford.
Marrie, as I told you before (Iohn & Robert)
be ready here hard-by in the Brew-house, & when I sodainly
call you, come forth, and (without any pause, or
staggering) take this basket on your shoulders: y
t done,
trudge with it in all hast, and carry it among the Whitsters
in Dotchet Mead, and there empty it in the muddie
ditch, close by the Thames side.
M. Page.
You will do it?
M. Ford.
I ha told them ouer and ouer, they lacke no direction.
M. Page.
Here comes little Robin.
Mist. Ford.
How now my Eyas-Musket, what newes with you?
Rob.
My M. Sir Iohn is come in at your backe doore
(Mist. Ford, and requests your company.
M. Page.
You litle Iack-a-lent, haue you bin true to vs
Rob.
I, Ile be sworne: my Master knowes not of your
being heere: and hath threatned to put me into euerlasting
liberty, if I tell you of it: for he sweares he'll turne
me away.
Mist. Pag.
Thou'rt a good boy: this secrecy of thine
shall be a Tailor to thee, and shal make thee a new doublet
and hose. Ile go hide me.
Mi. Ford.
Do so: go tell thy Master, I am alone: Mistris
Page, remember you your Qu.
Mist. Pag.
I warrant thee, if I do not act it, hisse me.
Mist. Ford.
Go-too then: we'l vse this vnwholsome
humidity, this grosse-watry Pumpion; we'll teach him
to know Turtles from Iayes.
Fal.
Haue I caught thee, my heauenly Iewell? Why
now let me die, for I haue liu'd long enough: This is the
period of my ambition: O this blessed houre.
Mist. Ford.
O sweet Sir Iohn.
Fal.
Mistris Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate (Mist.
Ford) now shall I sin in my wish; I would thy Husband
were dead, Ile speake it before the best Lord, I would
make thee my Lady.
Mist. Ford.
I your Lady Sir Iohn? Alas, I should bee a
pittifull Lady.
Fal.
Let the Court of France shew me such another:
I see how thine eye would emulate the Diamond: Thou
hast the right arched-beauty of the brow, that becomes
the Ship-tyre, the Tyre-valiant, or any Tire of Venetian
admittance.
Mist. Ford.
A plaine Kerchiefe, Sir Iohn:
My browes become nothing else, nor that well neither.
Fal.
Thou art a tyrant to say so: thou wouldst make
an absolute Courtier, and the firme fixture of thy foote,
would giue an excellent motion to thy gate, in a semi-circled
Farthingale. I see what thou wert if Fortune thy
foe, were not Nature thy friend: Come, thou canst not
hide it.
Mist. Ford.
Beleeue me, ther's no such thing in me.
Fal.
What made me loue thee? Let that perswade
thee. Ther's something extraordinary in thee: Come, I
cannot cog, and say thou art this and that, like a-manie
of these lisping-hauthorne buds, that come like women
in mens apparell, and smell like Bucklers-berry in simple
time: I cannot, but I loue thee, none but thee; and
thou deseru'st it.
M. Ford.
Do not betray me sir, I fear you loue M. Page.
Fal.
Thou mightst as well say, I loue to walke by the
Counter-gate, which is as hatefull to me, as the reeke of
a Lime-kill.
Mis Ford.
Well, heauen knowes how I loue you,
And you shall one day finde it.
Fal.
Keepe in that minde, Ile deserue it.
Mist. Ford.
Nay, I must tell you, so you doe;
Or else I could not be in that minde.
Rob.
Mistris Ford, Mistris Ford: heere's Mistris Page at
the doore, sweating, and blowing, and looking wildely,
and would needs speake with you presently.
Fal.
She shall not see me, I will ensconce mee behinde
the Arras.
M. Ford.
Pray you do so, she's a very tatling woman.
Whats the matter? How now?
Mist. Page.
O mistris Ford what haue you done?
You'r sham'd, y'are ouerthrowne, y'are vndone for euer.
M. Ford.
What's the matter, good mistris Page?
M. Page.
O weladay, mist. Ford, hauing an honest man
to your husband, to giue him such cause of suspition.
M. Ford.
What cause of suspition?
M. Page.
What cause of suspition? Out vpon you:
How am I mistooke in you?
M. Ford.
Why (alas) what's the matter?
M. Page.
Your husband's comming hether (Woman)
with all the Officers in Windsor, to search for a Gentleman,
that he sayes is heere now in the house; by your
consent to take an ill aduantage of his absence: you are
vndone.
M. Ford.
'Tis not so, I hope.
M. Page.
Pray heauen it be not so, that you haue such
a man heere: but 'tis most certaine your husband's comming,
with halfe Windsor at his heeles, to serch for such
a one, I come before to tell you: If you know your selfe
cleere, why I am glad of it: but if you haue a friend here,
conuey, conuey him out. Be not amaz'd, call all your
senses to you, defend your reputation, or bid farwell to
your good life for euer.
M. Ford.
What shall I do? There is a Gentleman my
deere friend: and I feare not mine owne shame so much,
as his perill. I had rather then a thousand pound he were
out of the house.
M. Page.
For shame, neuer stand (you had rather, and
you had rather:) your husband's heere at hand, bethinke
you of some conueyance: in the house you cannot hide
him. Oh, how haue you deceiu'd me? Looke, heere is a
basket, if he be of any reasonable stature, he may creepe
in heere, and throw fowle linnen vpon him, as if it were
going to bucking: Or it is whiting time, send him by
your two men to Datchet-Meade.
M. Ford.
He's too big to go in there: what shall I do?
Fal.
Let me see't, let me see't, O let me see't:
Ile in, Ile in: Follow your friends counsell, Ile in.
M. Page.
What Sir Iohn Falstaffe? Are these your Letters,
Knight?
Fal.
I loue thee, helpe mee away: let me creepe in
heere: ile neuer—
M. Page.
Helpe to couer your master (Boy:) Call
your men (Mist. Ford.) You dissembling Knight.
M. Ford.
What Iohn, Robert, Iohn; Go, take vp these
cloathes heere, quickly: Wher's the Cowle-staffe? Look
how you drumble? Carry them to the Landresse in Datchet
mead: quickly, come.
Ford.
'Pray you come nere: if I suspect without cause,
Why then make sport at me, then let me be your iest,
I deserue it: How now? Whether beare you this?
Ser.
To the Landresse forsooth?
M. Ford.
Why, what haue you to doe whether they
beare it? You were best meddle with buck-washing.
Ford.
Buck? I would I could wash my selfe of ye Buck:
Bucke, bucke, bucke, I bucke: I warrant you Bucke,
And of the season too; it shall appeare.
Gentlemen, I haue dream'd to night, Ile tell you my
dreame: heere, heere, heere bee my keyes, ascend my
Chambers, search, seeke, finde out: Ile warrant wee'le
vnkennell the Fox. Let me stop this way first: so, now
vncape.
Page.
Good master Ford, be contented:
You wrong your selfe too much.
Ford.
True (master Page) vp Gentlemen,
You shall see sport anon:
Euans.
This is fery fantasticall humors and iealousies.
Caius.
By gar, 'tis no-the fashion of France:
It is not iealous in France.
Page.
Nay follow him (Gentlemen) see the yssue of
his search.
Mist. Page
Is there not a double excellency in this?
Mist. Ford.
I know not which pleases me better,
That my husband is deceived, or Sir Iohn.
Mist. Page.
What a taking was hee in, when your
husband askt who was in the basket?
Mist. Ford.
I am halfe affraid he will haue neede of
washing: so throwing him into the water, will doe him
a benefit.
Mist. Page.
Hang him dishonest rascall: I would all
of the same straine, were in the same distresse.
Mist. Ford.
I thinke my husband hath some speciall
suspition of Falstaffs being heere: for I neuer saw him so
grosse in his iealousie till now.
Mist. Page.
I will lay a plot to try that, and wee will
yet haue more trickes with Falstaffe: his dissolute disease
will scarse obey this medicine.
Mis Ford
Shall we send that foolishion Carion, Mist.
Quickly to him, and excuse his throwing into the water,
and giue him another hope, to betray him to another
punishment?
Mist. Page.
We will do it: let him be sent for to morrow
eight a clocke to haue amends.
Ford.
I cannot finde him: may be the knaue bragg'd
of that he could not compasse.
Mis. Page.
Heard you that?
Mis. Ford.
You vse me well, M. Ford? Do you?
Ford.
I, I do so.
M. Ford.
Heauen make you better then your thoghts
Ford.
Amen
Mi. Page.
You do your selfe mighty wrong (M. Ford)
Ford.
I, I: I must beare it.
Eu.
If there be any pody in the house, & in the chambers,
and in the coffers, and in the presses: heauen forgiue
my sins at the day of iudgement.
Caius.
Be gar, nor I too: there is no-bodies.
Page.
Fy, fy, M. Ford, are you not asham'd? What spirit,
what diuell suggests this imagination? I wold not ha
your distemper in this kind, for y
e welth of Windsor castle.
Ford.
'Tis my fault (M. Page) I suffer for it.
Euans.
You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is
as honest a o'mans, as I will desires among fiue thousand,
and fiue hundred too.
Cai
By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman.
Ford.
Well, I promisd you a dinner: come, come, walk
in the Parke, I pray your pardon me. I wil hereafter make
knowne to you why I haue done this. Come wife, come
Mi. Page, I pray you pardon me. Pray hartly pardon me.
Page.
Let's go in Gentlemen, but (trust me) we'l mock
him: I doe inuite you to morrow morning to my house
to breakfast: after we'll a Birding together, I haue a fine
Hawke for the bush. Shall it be so:
Ford.
Any thing.
Eu.
If there is one, I shall make two in the Companie
Ca.
If there be one, or two, I shall make-a-theturd.
Ford.
Pray you go, M. Page.
Eua.
I pray you now remembrance to morrow on the
lowsie knaue, mine Host.
Cai.
Dat is good by gar, withall my heart.
Eua.
A lowsie knaue, to haue his gibes, and his mockeries.
Exeunt.
Scœna Quarta.
Enter Fenton, Anne, Page, Shallow, Slender, Quickly, Page, Mist. Page.Fen:
I see I cannot get thy Fathers loue,
Therefore no more turne me to him (sweet Nan.)
Anne.
Alas, how then?
Fen.
Why thou must be thy selfe.
He doth obiect, I am too great of birth,
And that my state being gall'd with my expence,
I seeke to heale it onely by his wealth.
Besides these, other barres he layes before me,
My Riots past, my wilde Societies,
And tels me 'tis a thing impossible
I should loue thee, but as a property.
An.
May be he tels you true.
No, heauen so speed me in my time to come,
Albeit I will confesse, thy Fathers wealth
Was the first motiue that I woo'd thee (Anne:)
Yet wooing thee, I found thee of more valew
Then stampes in Gold, or summes in sealed bagges:
And 'tis the very riches of thy selfe,
That now I ayme at.
An.
Gentle M. Fenton,
Yet seeke my Fathers loue, still seeke it sir,
If opportunity and humblest suite
Cannot attaine it, why then harke you hither.
Shal.
Broake their talke Mistris Quickly,
My Kinsman shall speake for himselfe.
Slen.
Ile make a shaft or a bolt on't, slid, tis but venturing.
Shal.
Be not dismaid.
Slen.
No, she shall not dismay me:
I care not for that, but that I am affeard.
Qui.
Hark ye, M. Slender would speak a word with you
An.
I come to him. This is my Fathers choice:
O what a world of vilde ill-fauour'd faults
Lookes handsome in three hundred pounds a yeere?
Qui.
And how do's good Master Fenton?
Pray you a word with you.
Shal.
Shee's comming; to her Coz:
O boy, thou hadst a father.
Slen.
I had a father (M. An) my vncle can tel you good
iests of him: pray you Vncle tel Mist. Anne the iest how
my Father stole two Geese out of a Pen, good Vnckle.
Shal.
Mistris Anne, my Cozen loues you.
Slen.
I that I do, as well as I loue any woman in Glocestershire.
Shal.
He will maintaine you like a Gentlewoman.
Slen.
I that I will, come cut and long-taile, vnder the
degree of a Squire.
Shal.
He will make you a hundred and fiftie pounds
ioynture.
Anne.
Good Maister Shallow let him woo for himselfe.
Shal.
Marrie I thanke you for it: I thanke you for
that good comfort: she cals you (Coz) Ile leaue you.
Anne.
Now Master Slender.
Slen.
Now good Mistris Anne.
Anne.
What is your will?
Slen.
My will? Odd's-hart-lings, that's a prettie
iest indeede: I ne're made my Will yet (I thanke Heauen:)
I am not such a sickely creature, I giue Heauen
praise.
I meane (M. Slender) what wold you with me?
Slen.
Truely, for mine owne part, I would little or
nothing with you: your father and my vncle hath made
motions: if it be my lucke, so; if not, happy man bee his
dole, they can tell you how things go, better then I can:
you may aske your father, heere he comes.
Page.
Now Mr Slender; Loue him daughter Anne.
Why how now? What does Mr Fenten here?
You wrong me Sir, thus still to haunt my house:
I told you Sir, my daughter is disposd of.
Fen.
Nay Mr Page, be not impatient.
Mist. Page.
Good M. Fenton. come not to my child.
Page.
She is no match for you.
Fen.
Sir, will you heare me?
Page.
No, good M. Fenton.
Come M. Shallow: Come sonne Slender, in;
Knowing my minde, you wrong me (M. Fenton.)
Qui.
Speake to Mistris Page.
Fen.
Good Mist. Page, for that I loue your daughter
In such a righteous fashion as I do,
Perforce, against all checkes, rebukes, and manners,
I must aduance the colours of my loue,
And not retire. Let me haue your good will.
An.
Good mother, do not marry me to yond foole.
Mist. Page.
I meane it not, I seeke you a better husband.
Qui.
That's my master, M. Doctor.
An.
Alas I had rather be set quick i'th earth,
And bowl'd to death with Turnips.
Mist. Page.
Come, trouble not your selfe good M.
Fenton, I will not be your friend, nor enemy:
And as I finde her, so am I affected:
Till then, farewell Sir, she must needs go in,
Her father will be angry.
Fen.
Farewell gentle Mistris: farewell Nan.
Qui.
This is my doing now: Nay, saide I, will you
cast away your childe on a Foole, and a Physitian:
Fen.
I thanke thee: and I pray thee once to night,
Giue my sweet Nan this Ring: there's for thy paines.
Qui.
Now heauen send thee good fortune, a kinde
heart he hath: a woman would run through fire & water
for such a kinde heart. But yet, I would my Maister
had Mistris Anne, or I would M. Slender had her: or (in
sooth) I would M. Fenton had her; I will do what I can
for them all three, for so I haue promisd, and Ile bee as
good as my word, but speciously for M. Fenton. Well, I
must of another errand to Sir Iohn Falstaffe from my two
Mistresses: what a beast am I to slacke it.
Exeunt
Scena Quinta.
Enter Falstaffe, Bardolfe, Quickly, Ford.Fal.
Bardolfe I say.
Bar.
Heere Sir.
Fal.
Go, fetch me a quart of Sacke, put a tost in't.
Haue I liu'd to be carried in a Basket like a barrow of
butchers Offall? and to be throwne in the Thames? Wel,
if I be seru'd such another tricke, Ile haue my braines
'tane out and butter'd, and giue them to a dogge for a
New-yeares gift. The rogues slighted me into the riuer
with as little remorse, as they would haue drown'de a
blinde bitches Puppies, fifteene i'th litter: and you may
know by my size, that I haue a kinde of alacrity in sinking:
if the bottome were as deepe as hell, I shold down.
I had beene drown'd, but that the shore was sheluy and
shallow: a death that I abhorre: for the water swelles a
man; and what a thing should I haue beene, when I
had beene swel'd? I should haue beene a Mountaine of
Mummie.
Bar.
Here's M. Quickly Sit to speake with you.
Fal.
Come, let me poure in some Sack to the Thames
water: for my bellies as cold as if I had swallow'd snow
bals, for pilles to coole the reines. Call her in.
Bar.
Come in woman.
Qui.
By your leaue: I cry you mercy?
Giue your worship good morrow.
Fal.
Take away these Challices:
Go, brew me a pottle of Sacke finely.
Bard.
With Egges, Sir?
Fal.
Simple of it selfe: Ile no Pullet-Spersme in my
brewage. How now?
Qui.
Marry Sir, I come to your worship from M. Ford.
Fal.
Mist. Ford? I have had Ford enough: I was thrown
into the Ford; I haue my belly full of Ford.
Qui.
Alas the day, (good-heart) that was not her
fault: she do's so take on with her men; they mistooke
their erection.
Fal.
So did I mine, to build vpon a foolish Womans promise.
Qui.
Well, she laments Sir for it, that it would yern
your heart to see it: her husband goes this morning a
birding; she desires you once more to come to her, betweene
eight and nine: I must carry her word quickely,
she'll make you amends I warrant you.
Fal.
Well, I will visit her, tell her so: and bidde her
thinke what a man is: Let her consider his frailety, and
then iudge of my merit.
Qui.
I will tell her.
Fal.
Do so. Betweene nine and ten saist thou?
Qui.
Eight and nine Sir.
Fal.
Well, be gone: I will not misse her.
Qui.
Peace be with you Sir.
Fal.
I meruaile I heare not of M
r
Broome: he sent me
word to stay within: I like his money well.
Oh, heere be comes.
Ford.
Blesse you Sir.
Fal.
Now M. Broome, you come to know
What hath past betweene me, and Fords wife.
Ford.
That indeed (Sir Iohn) is my businesse.
Fal.
M. Broome I will not lye to you,
I was at her house the houre she appointed me.
Ford.
And sped you Sir?
Fal.
very ill-fauouredly M. Broome.
Ford.
How so sir, did she change her determination?
Fal.
No (M. Broome) but the peaking Curnuto her husband
(M. Broome) dwelling in a continual larum of ielousie,
coms me in the instant of our encounter, after we had
embrast, kist, protested, & (as it were) spoke the prologue
of our Comedy: and at his heeles, a rabble of his companions,
thither prouoked and instigated by his distemper,
and (forsooth) to serch his house for his wiues Loue.
Ford.
What? While you were there?
Fal.
While I was there.
For.
And did he search for you, & could not find you?
Fal.
You shall heare. As good lucke would haue it,
comes in one Mist. Page, giues intelligence of Fords approch:
and in her inuention, and Fords wiues distraction,
they conuey'd me into a bucke-basket.
A Buck-basket?
Fal.
Yes: a Buck-basket: ram'd mee in with foule
Shirts and Smockes, Socks, foule Stockings, greasie
Napkins, that (Master Broome) there was the rankest
compound of villanous smell, that euer offended nostrill.
Ford.
And how long lay you there?
Fal.
Nay, you shall heare (Master Broome) what I
haue sufferd, to bring this woman to euill, for your
good: Being thus cram'd in the Basket, a couple of
Fords knaues, his Hindes, were cald forth by their Mistris,
to carry mee in the name of foule Cloathes to
'Datchet-lane: they tooke me on their shoulders: met
the iealous knaue their Master in the doore; who
ask'd them once or twice what they had in their Basket?
I quak'd for feare least the Lunatique Knaue
would haue search'd it: but Fate (ordaining he should
be a Cuckold) held his hand: well, on went hee, for
a search, and away went I for foule Cloathes: But
marke the sequell (Master Broome) I suffered the pangs
of three seuerall deaths: First, an intollerable fright,
to be detected with a iealious rotten Bell-weather:
Next to be compass'd like a good Bilbo in the circumference
of a Pecke, hilt to point, heele to head. And
then to be stopt in like a strong distillation with stinking
Cloathes, that fretted in their owne grease:
thinke of that, a man of my Kidney; thinke of that,
that am as subiect to heate as butter; a man of continuall
dissolution, and thaw: it was a miracle to scape
suffocation. And in the height of this Bath (when I
was more then halfe stew'd in grease (like a Dutch-dish)
to be throwne into the Thames, and
coold, glowing-hot, in that serge like a Horse-shoo;
thinke of that; hissing hot: thinke of that (Master Broome.)
Ford.
In good sadnesse Sir, I am sorry, that for my sake
you haue sufferd all this.
My suite then is desperate: You'll vndertake her no
more?
Fal.
Master Broome: I will be throwne into Etna,
as I haue beene into Thames, ere I will leaue her thus;
her Husband is this morning gone a Birding: I
haue receiued from her another ambassie of meeting:
'twixt eight and nine is the houre (Master
Broome.)
Ford.
'Tis past eight already Sir.
Fal.
Is it? I will then addresse mee to my appointment:
Come to mee at your conuenient leisure, and
you shall know how I speede: and the conclusion
shall be crowned with your enioying her: adiew: you
shall haue her (Master Broome) Master Broome, you shall
cuckold Ford.
Ford.
Hum: ha? Is this a vision? Is this a dreame?
doe I sleepe? Master Ford awake, awake Master Ford:
ther's a hole made in your best coate (Master Ford:) this
'tis to be married; this 'tis to haue Lynnen, and Buck-baskets:
Well, I will proclaime my selfe what I am:
I will now take the Leacher: hee is at my house: hee
cannot scape me: 'tis impossible hee should: hee cannot
creepe into a halfe-penny purse, nor into a Pepper-Boxe:
But least the Diuell that guides him, should
aide him, I will search impossible places: though
what I am, I cannot auoide; yet to be what I would
not, shall not make me tame: If I haue hornes, to make
one mad, let the prouerbe goe with me, Ile be horne-mad.
Exeunt.
| The Merry Wiues of Windsor | |