University of Virginia Library

The v. Acte.

The i. Sceane.

Master Bayly. Doctor Rat.
Bailie.
I Can perceiue none other, I speke it from my hart
But either ye ar in al the fault or els in ye greatest part

D. Rat.
If it be counted his fault, besides all his greeues
When a poore man is spoyled: and beaten among theeues?
Then I confesse my fault herein, at this season,
But I hope you wil not iudge so much against reason.

Baily.
And me thinkes by your owne tale, of all that ye name.
If any plaid the theefe you were the very same.
The women they did nothing, as your words make probation
But stoutly withstood your forcible inuasion,
If that a theefe at your window, to enter should begin,
Wold you hold forth your hand, and helpe to pull him in:
Or you wold kepe him out: I pray you answere me.

D. Rat.
Mary kepe him out, and a good cause why:
But I am no theefe sir but an honest learned Clarke.

Baily.
Yea but who knoweth that, when he meets you in the darke
I am sure your learning shines not out at your nose,
Was it any maruaile, though the poore woman arose
And start vp, being afraide of that was in hir purse
Me thinke you may be glad that you lucke was no worse.

D. Rat.
Is not this euill ynough, I pray you as you thinke,

Showing his broken head.
Baily.
Yea but a man in the darke, of chaunces do wincke,
As soone he smites his father, as any other man,
Because for lacke of light, discerne him he ne can.
Might it not haue ben your lucke, wt a spit to haue ben slaine:

D. Rat.
I thinke I am litle better, my scalpe is clouen to the braine,
If there be all the remedy, I know who beares the kockes.

Baily.
By my troth and well worthy, besides to kisse the stockes
To come in on the backe side, when ye might go about,
I know non such, vnles they long to haue their braines knockt out

D. Rat.
Well, wil you be so good sir, as talke with dame Chat?
And know what she intended: I aske no more but that.

Bayly.
Let her be called fellow because of master doctor,
I warrant in this case, she wil be hir owne Proctor,
She will tel hir owne tale in metter or in prose,
And byd you seeke your remedy, and so go wype your nose.

The ii. Sceane,

M. Bayly. Chat. D. Rat. Gammer. Hodge. Diccon.
Bayly.
Dame Chat, master doctor vpon you here complained
That you & your maides shuld him much misorder.
And taketh many an oth, that no word he fained,
Laying to your charge, how you thought him to murder:
And on his part againe, that same man saith furder
He neuer offended you in word nor intent,
To beare you answer hereto, we haue now for you sent.

Chat.
That I wold haue murdered him, fye on him wretch,
And euil mought be thee for it, our Lord I besēch.
I will swere on al the bookes that opens and shuttes
He faineth this tale out of his owne guttes,
For this seuen weekes with me, I am sure he sat not downe,
Nay ye haue other minions, in the other end of the towne,
Where ye were liker to catch such a blow,
Then any where els, as farre as I know.

Baily.
Be like then master Doctor, you stripe there ye got not?

D. Rat.
Thinke you I am so mad, that where I was bet, I wot not?
Will ye beleue this queane, before she hath tryd it?
It is not the first dede she hath done and afterward denide it.

Chat
What man, will you say I broke your head?

D. Rat.
How canst thou proue the contrary?

Chat.
Nay, how prouest thou that I did the deade.

D. Rat.
To plainly, by S. Mary.
This profe I trow may serue, though I no word spoke.

Showing his broken head.
Chat.
Bicause thy head is broken, was it I that it broke?
I saw thee Rat I tel thee, not once within this fortnight,

D. Rat.
No mary, thou sawest me not, for why thou hadst no light,
But I felt thee for al the darke, beshrew thy smothe cheekes,
And thou groped me, this wil declare, any day this six weekes

Showing his heade.
Baily.
Answere me to this M. Rat, when caught you this harme of yours?

D. Rat.
A while a go sir, god he knoweth, wtin les thē these ii. houres.

Baily.
Dame Chat was there none with you: confesse I faith) about that season.
What woman, let it be what it wil, tis neither felony nor treason

Chat.
Yes by my faith master Bayly, there was a knaue not farre
Who caught one good Philup on the brow, with a dore barre
And well was he worthy, as it semed to mee,
But what is that to this man, since this was not hee.

Baily.
Who was it then? lets here.

D. Rat.
Alas sir, aske you that?
Is it not made plain inough (by the owne mouth of dame chat
The time agreeth, my head is broken, her tong can not lye,
Onely vpon a bare, nay she saith it was not I.

Chat.
No mary was it not indeede ye shal here by this one thing,
This after noone a frēd of mine, for good wil gaue we warning
And bad mo wel loke to my ruste, and al my Capons pennes,
For if I toke not better heede, a knaue wold haue my hennes,
Then I to saue my goods, toke so much pains as him to watch
And as good fortune serued me, it was my chaūce hī for to catch
What strokes he bare away, or other what was his gaines
I wot not, but sure I am, he has something for his paines

Baily.
Yet telles thou not who it was.

Chat.
Who it was a false theefe,
That came like a false Foxe, my pullaine to kil and mischeefe.

Baily.
But knowest thou not his name?

Chat.
I know it but what than,
It was that crafty cullyon Hodge my gammer gurtons man.

Bailie.
Cal me the knaue hether, he shal sure kysse the stockes.
I shall teach him a lesson, for filching hens or cocks.

D. Rat.
I maruaile master bayly, so bleared be your eyes.
An egge is not so ful of meate, as she is ful of lyes:
When she hath playd this pranke, to excuse al this geare,
She layeth the fault in such a one, as I know was not there.

Chat.
Was he not thear loke on his pate, that shalbe his witnes.

D. Rat.
I wold my head were half so hole, I wold seeke no redresse.

Baily.
God blesse you gammer Gurton.

Gāmer
God dylde you master mine.

Baily.
Thou hast a knaue wtin thy house, hodge, a seruant of thine.
They tel me that busy knaue, is such a filching one,
That Hen, Pig, goose or capon, thy neighbour can haue none,

Gāmer
By god cham much ameued, to heare any such reporte:
Hodge was not wont ich trow, to haue him in that sort.

Chat.
A theenisher knaue is not on liue, more filching, nor more false
Many a truer man then he, hase hanged vp by the halse.
And thou his dame of al his theft, thou art the sole receauer
For hodge to catch, and thou to kepe, I neuer knew none better

Gāmer
Sir reuerence of your masterdome, and you were out adoore,
Chold be so bolde for al hir brags, to cal hir arrant whoore,
And ich knew Hodge so bad as tow, ich wish me endlesse sorow
And chould not take the pains, to hang him vp before to morow?

Chat,
What haue I stolne frō the or thine: thou ilfauored olde trot.

Gāmer
A great deale more (by Gods blest,) then cheuer by the got,
That thou knowest wel I neade not say it.

Baily.
Stoppe there I say,
And tel me here I pray you, this matter by the way:
How chaunce hodge is not here him wold I faine haue had.

Gāmer
Alas sir, heel be here anon, ha be handled to bad.

Chat.
Master bayly, sir ye be not such a foole wel I know,
But ye perceiue by this lingring, there is a pad in the straw.
Thinking that Hodg, his head was broke, and that gammer
Wold not let him come before them.

Gāmer
Chil shew you his face, ich warrant the, lo now where he is.

Bailie.
Come on fellow it is tolde me thou art a shrew iwysse,
Thy neighbours hens yu takest, and playes the two legged foxe
Their chikens & their capons to, & now and then their Cocks.

Hodge
Ich defy them al that dare it say, cham as true as the best.

Baily.
Wart not yu take within this houre, in dame chats hens nest?

Hodge
Take there? no master chold not dot, for a house ful of gold.

Chat
Thou or the deuil in thy cote, sweare this I dare be bold.

D. Rat.
Sweare me no swearing quean, the deuill he geue the sorow,
Al is not worth a gnat, thou canst sweare till to morow,
Where is the harme he hath? shew it by gods bread,
Ye beat him with a witnes, but the stripes light on my head.

Hodge
Bet me? gogs blessed body, chold first ich trow haue burst the
Ich thinke and chad my hands loose callet chould haue crust the.

Chat.
Thou shittē knaue I trow yu knowest ye ful weight of my fist
I am fowly deceiued, onles thy head & my doore bar kyste

Hodge
Hold thy chat whore yu criest so loude, can no man els be hard

Chat.
Well knaue, & I had the alone, I wold surely rap thy costard.

Bayly.
Sir answer me to this, is thy head whole or broken?

Chat.
Yea master Bayly, blest be euery good token.

Hodge
Is my head whole? ich warrāt you, tis neither scuruy nor scald
What you foule beast, does think tis either pild or bald.
Nay ich thanke god: chil not for al that thou maist spend
That chad one scab on my narse, as brode as thy fingers end.

Bayly.
Come nearer heare.

Hodge
Yes That iche dare.

Bayly.
By our Lady here is no harme,
Hodges head is hole ynough, for al dame Chats charme.

Chat.
By gogs blest, how euer the thing he clockes or smolders,
I know the blowes he bare away, either wt head or shoulders,
Camest yu not knaue within this houre, creping into my pens
And there was caught within my hous, gropīg among my hens.

Hodge
A plage both on thy hens & the, a carte whore, a carte,
Chould I were hāged as hie as a tree, & chware as false as yu art
Geue my gāmer again her washital, yu stole away in thy lap.

Gāmer
Yea maister baily there is a thing, you know not on may hap
This drab she kepes away my good, ye deuil he might her snare
Ich pray you that ich might haue, a right action on her.

Chat.
Haue I thy good old filth, or any such old sowes?
I am as true, I wold thou knew, as skin betwene thy browes

Gāmer
Many a truer hath bē hanged, though you escape the daunger

Chat,
Thou shalt answer by gods pity, for this thy foule slaunder.

Baily.
Why, what cā ye charge hir withal? to say so, ye do not well.

Gāmer
Mary a vēgeance to hir hart, ye whore hase stoln my neele.

Chat.
Thy nedle old witch, how so? it were almes thy scul to knock
So didst thou say, the other day, that I had stolne thy Cock
And rosted him to my breakfast, which shal not be forgotten,
The deuil pul out thy lying tong, and teeth that be so rotten.

Gāmer
Geue me my neele, as for my cocke, chould be very loth
That chuld here tel he shuld hang, on thy false faith and troth.

Baily.
Your talke is such, I can scarse learne who shuld be most in fault

Gāmer
Yet shal ye find no other wight, saue she, by bred & salt

Baily.
Kepe ye content a while, se that your tonges ye holde,
Me thinkes you shuld remembre, this is no place to scolde,
How knowest thou gāmer gurton, dame Chat thy nedle had?

Gāmer
To name you sir the party, chould not be very glad.

Baily.
Yea but we must nedes heare it, & therfore say it boldly.

Gāmer
Such one as told the tale, full soberly and coldly,
Euen he that loked on, wil sweare on a booke:
What time this drunken gossip, my faire long neele vp tooke
Diccon (master) the Bedlam, cham very sure ye know him.

Bailie.
A false knaue by Gods pitie, ye were but a foole to trow him,
I durst auenture wel the price of my best cap,
That when the end is knowen, all wil turne to a iape,
Tolde he not you that besides, she stole your Cocke that tyde?

Gāmer
No master no indede, for then he shuld haue lyed,
My cocke is I thanke Christ, safe and wel a fine.

Chat.
Yea but that ragged colt, that whore that tyb of thine
Said plainly thy cocke was stolne, & in my house was eaten,
That lying cut is lost, that she is not swinged and beaten,
And yet for al my good name, it were a small amendes
I picke not this geare (hearst thou) out of my fingers endes
But he that hard it told me, who thou of late didst name
Diccon whom al men knowes, it was the very same.

Baily.
This is the case, you lost your nedle about the dores
And she answeres againe, she hase no cocke of yours,
Thus in you talke and Action, from that you do intend,
She is whole fiue mile wide, from that she doth defend:
Will you saie she hath your Cocke?

Gāmer
No mery sir that chil not,

Bayly.
Will you confesse hir neele?

Chat.
Will I? no sir will I not.

Bayly.
Then there lieth all the matter.

Gāmer
Soft master by the way,
Ye know she could do litle, and she cold not say nay.

Bayly.
Yea but he that made one lie about your Cock stealing,
Wil not sticke to make another, what time lies be in dealing
I weene the ende wil proue, this brawle did first arise,
Upon no other ground, but only Diccons lyes.

Chat.
Though some be lyes as you belike haue espyed them.
Yet other some be true, by proof I haue wel tryed them.

Bayly.
What other thing beside this dame Chat.

Chat.
Mary syr euen this,
The tale I tolde before, the selfe same tale it was his,
He gaue me like a frende, warning against my losse,
Els had my hens be stolne, eche one, by Gods crosse:
He tolde me Hodge wold come, and in he came indeede,
But as the matter chaunsed, with greater hast then speede,
This truth was said, and true was found, as truly I report.

Bayly.
If Doctor Rat be not deceiued, it was of another sort.

D. Rat.
By Gods mother thou and he, be a cople of suttle foxes,
Betweene you and Hodge, I beare away the boxes,
Did not diccō apoynt the place, wher yu shuldst stād to mete him.

Chat.
Yes by the masse, & if he came, bad me not sticke to speet hym.

D. Rat.
Gods sacrament the villain knaue hath drest vs round about,
He is the cause of all this brawle, that dyrty shitten loute:
When gammer gurton here complained, & made a ruful mone
I heard him sweare yt you had gotten, hir nedle that was gone,
And this to try he furder said, he was ful loth how be it
He was content with small adoe, to bring me where to see it.
And where ye sat, he said ful certain, if I wold folow his read
Into your house a priuy way, he wold me guide and leade,
And where ye had it in your hands, sewing about a clowte,
And set me in the backe hole, therby to finde you out:
And whiles I sought a quietnes, creping vpon my knees,
I found the weight of your dore bar, for my reward and fees,
Such is the lucke that some men gets, while they begin to mel
In setting at one such as were out, minding to make al wel.

Hodge
Was not wel blest gāmer, to scape ye scoure, & chad ben there
Thē chad ben drest be like, as ill by the masse, as gaffar vicar.

Bayly.
Mary sir, here is a sport alone, I loked for such an end
If diccon had not playd the knaue, this had ben sone amend
My gammer here he made a foole, and drest hir as she was
And goodwife Chat he set to scole, till both partes cried alas,
And D. Rat was not behind, whiles Chat his crown did pare,
I wold the knaue had bē starke blind, if hodg had not his share.

Hodge
Cham meetly wel sped alredy amongs, cham drest like a coult
And chad not had the better wit, chad bene made a doult.

Bayly.
Sir knaue make hast diccon were here, fetch him where euer he bee

Chat.
Fie on the villaine, fie, fie, yt makes vs thus agree,

Gāmer
Fie on him knaue, with al my hart, now fie, and fie againe.

D. Rat.
Now fie on him may I best say, whom he hath almost slaine.

Bayly.
Lo where he commeth at hand, belike he was not fare
Diccon heare be two or three, thy company can not spare.

Diccon
God blesse you, and you may be blest so many al at once

Chat.
Come knaue, it were a good deed to geld the by cockes bones
Seest not thy handiwarke? sir Rat can ye forbeare him?

Diccon
A vēgeance on those hands lite, for my hāds cam not nere hym
The horsen priest hath lift the pot, in some of these alewyues chayres
That his head wolde not serue him, belyke to come downe the stayres.

Baily.
Nay soft, thou maist not play ye knaue, & haue this language to
If thou thy tong bridle a while, the better maist thou do,
Confesse the truth as I shall aske, and cease a while to fable.
And for thy fault I promise the, thy handling shalbe reasonable
Hast thou not made a lie or two, to set these two by the eares?

Diccon
What if I haue? fiue hundred such haue I seene within these seuen yeares:
I am sory for nothing else but that I see not the sport
Which was betwene them whē they met, as they thē selues report

Bayly.
The greatest thing master rat, ye se how he is drest.

Diccon.
What deuil nede he be groping so depe, in goodwife Chats hēs nest

Bayly.
Yea but it was thy drift to bring him into ye briars.

Diccon.
Gods bread, hath not such an old foole, wit to saue his eares?
He showeth himselfe herein ye see, so very a coxe,
The Cat was not so madly alured by the Foxe,
To run into the snares, was set for him doubtlesse,
For he leapt in for myce, and this sir Iohn for madnes.

D. Rat.
Well and ye shift no better, ye losel, lyther, and lasye,
I will go neare for this, to make ye leape at a Dasye.
In the kings name master Bayly, I charge you set him fast.

Diccon.
What fast at cardes, or fast on slepe? it is the thing I did last.

D. Rat.
Nay fast in fetters false varlet, according to thy deedes.

Bayly.
Master doctor ther is no remedy, I must intreat you needes
Some other kinde of punishment,

D. Rat.
Nay by all Halowes.
His punishmēt if I may iudg, shalbe naught els but the gallous.

Bayly.
That were to sore, a spiritual man to be so extreame.

D. Rat.
Is he worthy any better, sir how do ye iudge and deame?

Bayly.
I graunt him wortie punishment, but in no wise so great.

Gāmer
It is a shame ich tel you plaine, for such false knaues intreat
He has almost vndone vs al, that is as true as steele:
And yet for al this great a do, cham neuer the nere my neele.

Bayly.
Canst yu not say any thing to that diccon, with least or most?

Diccon
Yea mary sir, thus much I can say wel, the nedle is lost.

Bayly.
Nay canst not thou tel which way, that nedle may be found

Diccon
No by my fay sir. though I might haue an hundred pound.

Hodge
Thou lier lickdish, didst not say the neele wold be gitten?

Diccon
No hodge, by the same token, you where that time beshitten?
For feare of Hobgobling, you wot wel what I meane,
As long as it is sence, I feare me yet ye be scarce cleane.

Bayly.
Wel master rat, you must both learne, & teach vs to forgeue
Since Diccon hath confession made, & is so cleane shreue,
If ye to me conscent, to amend this heauie chaunce.
I wil inioyne him here, some open kind of penaunce:
Of this condition, where ye know my fee is twenty pence
For the bloodshed, I am agreed with you here to dispence,
Ye shal go quite, so that ye graunt, the matter now to run,
To end with mirth emong vs al, euen as it was begun.

Chat.
Say yea master vicar, & he shal sure confes to be your detter
And al we that be heare present, wil loue you much the better

D. Rat.
My part is the worst, but since you al here on agree.
Go euen to master Bayly, let it be so for mee,

Bayly.
How saiest thou diccon, art content this shal on me depend

Diccon
Go to M. Bayly say on your mind, I know ye are my frend?

Bayly.
Then marke ye wel, to recompence this thy former action
Because thou hast offended al, to make them satisfaction,
Before their faces, here kneele downe, & as I shal the teach.
For thou shalt take on othe, of hodges leather breache
First for master Doctor, vpon paine of his cursse,
Where he wil pay for al, thou neuer draw thy pursse,
And when ye meete at one pot, he shall haue the first pull,
And thou shalt neuer offer him the cup, but it be full.
To goodwife chat thou shalt be sworne, euen on the same wyse
If she refuse thy money once, neuer to offer it twise.
Thou shalt be bound by the same here, as thou dost take it
When thou maist drinke of free cost, thou neuer forsake it:
For gammer gurtons sake, againe sworne shalt thou bee
To helpe hir to hir nedle againe if it do lie in thee
And likewise be bound: by the vertue of that
To be of good abering to Gib hir great Cat:
Last of al for Hodge, the othe to scanne,
Thou shalt neuer take him, for fine gentleman.

Hodge
Come on fellow Diccon chalbe euen with thee now.

Bayly
Thou wilt not sticke to do this Diccon I trow.

Diccon
No by my fathers skin, my hand downe I lay it?
Loke as I haue promised, I wil not denay it,
But Hodge take good heede now, thou do not beshite me.

And gaue him a good blow on the buttocke.
Hodge
Gogs hart thou false villaine dost thou bite me?

Bayly
What Hodge doth he hurt the or euer he begin.

Hodge
He thrust me into the buttocke, with a bodkin or a pin,
I saie Gammer, Gammer?

Gāmer
How now Hodge, how now:

Hodge
Gods malt Gammer gurton.

Gāmer
Thou art mad ich trow.

Hodge
Will you see the deuil Gammer.

Gāmer
The deuil sonne, god blesse vs.

Hodge
Chould iche were hanged Gammer.

Gāmer
Mary se ye might dresse vs.

Hodge
Chaue it by the masse Gammer

Gāmer
What not my neele Hodge?

Hodge
Your Neele Gammer, your neele.

Gāmer
No fie, dost but dodge.

Hodge
Cha found your neele Gammer, here in my hand be it.

Gāmer
For al the loues on earth Hodge, let me see it.

Hodge
Soft Gammer.

Gāmer
Good Hodge.

Hodge
Soft ich say, tarie a while.

Gāmer
Nay sweete Hodge say truth, and do not me begile.

Hodge
Cham sure on it ich warrant you: it goes no more a stray

Gāmer
Hodge when I speake so faire: wilt stil say me nay:

Hodge
Go neare the light gammer this wel in faith good lucke:
Chwas almost vndone: twas so far in my buttocke

Gāmer
Tis min owne deare neele Hodge, sykerly I wot

Hodge
Cham I not a good sonne gammer, cham I not,

Gāmer
Christs blessing light on thee, hast made me for euer

Hodge
Ich knew that ich must finde it, els choud a had it neuer

Chat.
By my troth Gossyp gurton, I am euen as glad
As though I mine owne selfe as good a turne had:

Bayly.
And I by my concience, to see it so come forth,
Reioyce so much at it, as three nedles be worth.

D. Rat.
I am no whit sory to see you so reioyce.

Diccon
Nor I much the gladder for al this noyce:
Yet say gramercy Diccon, for springing of the game.

Gāmer
Gramercy Diccon twenty times, o how glad cham,
If that chould do so much, your masterdome to come hether,
Master Rat, goodwise Chat, and Diccon together:
Cha but one halfpeny, as far as iche know it,
And chil not rest this night, till ich bestow it.
If euer ye loue me, let vs go in and drinke.

Bayly.
I am content if the rest thinke as I thinke?
Master Rat it shalbe best for you if we so doo,
Then shall you warme you and dresse your self too.

Diccon
Soft syrs, take vs with you, the company shalbe the more,
As proude coms behinde they say, as any goes before,
But now my good masters since we must be gone
And leaue you behinde vs, here all alone:
Since at our last ending, thus mery we bee,
For Gammer Gurtons nedle sake, let vs haue a plaudytie.