 | Rule a Wife, and have a Wife |  |
Actus Quartus.
Scena Prima.
Enter Perez.Per.
I'll go to a Conjurer but I'll find this Pol-cat,
This pilfering Whore: a plague of Vails, I cry,
And covers for the impudence of Women,
Their sanctity in show will deceive Devils,
It is my evil Angel, let me bless me.
Enter Estifania with a Casket.
Estif.
'Tis he, I am caught, I must stand to it stoutly,
And show no shake of fear, I see he is angry,
Vext at the uttermost.
Per.
My worthy Wife,
I have been looking of your modesty
All the town over.
Estif.
My most noble Husband,
I am glad I have found ye, for in truth I am weary,
VVeary and lame with looking out your Lordship.
Per.
I have been in Bawdy Houses.
Estif.
I believe you, and very lately too.
Per.
'Pray you pardon me,
To seek your Ladyship, I have been in Cellars,
In private Cellars, where the thirsty Bawds
Hear your Confessions; I have been at Plays,
To look you out amongst the youthful Actors,
At Puppet Shews, you are Mistress of the motions,
At Gossippings I hearkned after you,
But amongst those Confusions of lewd Tongues
There's no distinguishing beyond a Babel.
I was amongst the Nuns because you sing well,
But they say yours are Bawdy Songs, they mourn for ye,
And last I went to Church to seek you out,
'Tis so long since you were there, they have forgot you.
Estif.
You have had a pretty progress, I'll tell mine now:
To look you out, I went to twenty Taverns.
Per.
And are you sober?
Estif.
Yes, I reel not yet, Sir,
VVhere I saw twenty drunk, most of 'em Souldiers,
There I had great hope to find you disguis'd too.
From hence to th'dicing-house, there I found
Quarrels needless, and senceless, Swords and Pots, and Candlesticks,
Tables and Stools, and all in one confusion,
And no man knew his Friend. I left this Chaos,
And to the Chirurgions went, he will'd me stay,
For says he learnedly, if he be tipled,
Twenty to one he whores, and then I hear of him,
If he be mad, he quarrels, then he comes too.
I sought ye where no safe thing would have ventur'd,
Amongst diseases, base and vile, vile Women,
For I remembred your old Roman axiom,
The more the danger, still the more the Honour.
Last, to your Confessor I came, who told me,
You were too proud to pray, and here I have found ye.
Per.
She bears up bravely, and the Rogue is witty,
But I shall dash it instantly to nothing.
290
And now conclude we in a sharper tongue.
Estif.
Why am I cozen'd?
Why am I abused?
Per.
Thou most vile, base, abominable—
Estif.
Captain.
Per.
Thou stinking, overstew'd, poor, pocky—
Estif.
Captain.
Per.
Do you echo me?
Estif.
Yes Sir, and go before ye,
And round about ye, why do you rail at me
For that that was your own sin, your own knavery?
Per.
And brave me too?
Estif.
You had best now draw your Sword, Captain?
Draw it upon a Woman, do brave, Captain,
Upon your Wife, Oh most renowned Captain.
Per.
A Plague upon thee, answer me directly;
Why didst thou marry me?
Estif.
To be my Husband;
I had thought you had had infinite, but I'm cozen'd.
Per.
Why didst thou flatter me, and shew me wonders?
A house and riches, when they are but shadows,
Shadows to me?
Estif.
Why did you work on me
(It was but my part to requite you, Sir)
With your strong Souldiers wit, and swore you would bring me
So much in Chains, so much in Jewels, Husband,
So much in right rich Cloaths?
Per.
Thou hast 'em, Rascal;
I gave 'em to thy hands, my trunks and all,
And thou hast open'd 'em, and sold my treasure.
Estif.
Sir, there's your treasure, sell it to a Tinker
To mend old Kettles, is this noble Usage?
Let all the World view here the Captain's treasure,
A Man would think now, these were worthy matters;
Here's a shooing horn Chain gilt over, how it scenteth
Worse than the mouldy durty heel it served for:
And here's another of a lesser value,
So little I would shame to tye my Dog in't,
These are my joynture, blush and save a labour,
Or these else will blush for ye.
Per.
A fire subtle ye, are ye so crafty?
Estif.
Here's a goodly jewel,
Did not you win this at Goletta, Captain,
Or took it in the field from some brave Bashaw,
How it sparkles like an old Ladies eyes,
And fills each room with light like a close Lanthorn!
This would do rarely in an Abbey Window,
To cozen Pilgrims.
Per.
Prithee leave prating.
Estif.
And here's a Chain of Whitings eyes for pearls,
A Muscle monger would have made a better.
Per.
Nay, prithee wife, my Cloaths, my Cloaths.
Estif.
I'll tell ye,
Your Cloaths are parallels to these, all counterfeit.
Put these and them on, you are a Man of Copper,
A kind of Candlestick; these you thought, my Husband,
To have cozen'd me withall, but I am quit with you.
Per.
Is there no house then, nor no grounds about it?
No plate nor hangings?
Estif.
There are none, sweet Husband,
Shadow for shadow is as equal justice.
Can you rail now? pray put up your fury, Sir,
And speak great words, you are a Souldier, thunder.
Per.
I will speak little, I have plaid the Fool,
And so I am rewarded.
Estif.
You have spoke well, Sir,
And now I see you are so conformable
I'll heighten you again, go to your house,
They are packing to be gone, you must sup there,
I'll meet ye, and bring Cloaths, and clean Shirts after,
And all things shall be well, I'll colt you once more,
And teach you to bring Copper.
Per.
Tell me one thing,
I do beseech thee tell me, tell me truth, Wife,
However I forgive thee, art thou honest?
The Beldam swore.
Estif.
I bid her tell you so, Sir,
It was my plot, alas my credulous Husband,
The Lady told you too.
Per.
Most strange things of thee.
Estif.
Still 'twas my way, and all to try your sufferance,
And the denied the House.
Per.
She knew me not,
No, nor no title that I had.
Estif.
'Twas well carried;
No more, I am right and straight.
Per.
I would believe thee,
But Heaven knows how my heart is, will ye follow me?
Estif.
I'll be there straight.
Per.
I am fooled, yet dare not find it.
[Exit Perez.
Estif.
Go silly Fool, thou mayst be a good Souldier
In open field, but for our private service
Thou art an Ass, I'll make thee so, or miss else.
Enter Cacafogo.
Here comes another Trout that I must tickle,
And tickle daintily, I have lost my end else.
May I crave your leave, Sir?
Caca.
Prithee be answered, thou shalt crave no leave,
I am in my meditations, do not vex me,
A beaten thing, but this hour a most bruised thing,
That people had compassion on it, looked so,
The next Sir Palmerin, here's fine proportion,
An Ass, and then an Elephant, sweet Justice,
There's no way left to come at her now, no craving,
If money could come near, yet I would pay him;
I have a mind to make him a huge Cuckold,
And money may do much, a thousand Duckets,
'Tis but the letting blood of a rank Heir.
Estif.
'Pray you hear me.
Caca.
I know thou hast some wedding Ring to pawn now,
Of Silver and gilt, with a blind posie in't,
Love and a Mill horse should go round together,
Or thy Childs whistle, or thy Squirrels Chain,
I'll none of 'em, I would she did but know me,
Or would this Fellow had but use of money,
That I might come in any way.
Estif.
I am gone, Sir,
And I shall tell the beauty sent me to ye,
The Lady Margarita.
Caca.
Stay I prithee,
VVhat is thy will? I turn me wholly to ye,
And talk now till thy tongue ake, I will hear ye.
Estif.
She would entreat you, Sir,
Caca.
She shall command, Sir,
Let it be so, I beseech thee, my sweet Gentlewoman,
Do not forget thy self.
Estif.
She does command then
This courtesie, because she knows you are noble.
Cac.
Your Mistress by the way?
Estif.
My natural mistress,
Upon these Jewels, Sir, they are fair and rich,
And view 'em right.
Caca.
To doubt 'em is an heresie.
Estif.
A thousand Duckets, 'tis upon necessity
Of present use, her husband, Sir, is stubborn.
Caca.
Long may he be so.
Estif.
She desires withal a better knowledge of your parts and person,
And when you please to do her so much honour.
Caca.
Come, let's dispatch.
Estif.
In troth I have heard her say, Sir,
Of a sat man she has not seen a sweeter.
But in this business, Sir.
Cac.
Let's do it first
And then dispute, the Ladies use may long for't.
Estif.
All secrecy she would desire, she told me
How wise you are.
291
We are not wise to talk thus,
Carry her the gold, I'le look her out a Jewel,
Shall sparkle like her eyes, and thee another,
Come prethee come, I long to serve thy Lady,
Long monstrously, now valor I shall meet ye,
You that dare Dukes.
Estif.
Green goose you are now in sippets.
[Exeunt.
Enter the Duke, Sanchio, Juan, Alonzo.
Duke.
He shall not have his will, I shall prevent him,
I have a toy here that will turn the tide,
And suddenly, and strangely, hear Don Juan,
Do you present it to him.
Juan.
I am commanded.
Duke.
A fellow founded out of Charity,
And moulded to the height contemn his maker,
Curb the free hand that fram'd him? This must not be.
Sanc.
That such an oyster shell should hold a pearl,
And of so rare a price in prison,
Was she made to be the matter of her own undoing,
To let a slovenly unweildy fellow,
Unruly and self will'd, dispose her beauties?
We suffer all Sir in this sad Eclipse,
She should shine where she might show like her self,
An absolute sweetness, to comfort those admire her,
And shed her beams upon her friends.
We are gull'd all,
And all the world will grumble at your patience,
If she be ravish't thus.
Duke.
Ne'r fear it Sanchio,
We'l have her free again, and move at Court
In her clear orb: but one sweet handsomeness,
To bless this part of Spain, and have that slubber'd?
Alon.
'Tis every good mans cause, and we must stir in it.
Duke.
I'le warrant he shall be glad to please us,
And glad to share too, we shall hear anon
A new song from him, let's attend a little.
[Exeunt.
Enter Leon, and Juan, with a commission.
Leon.
Coronel, I am bound to you for this nobleness,
I should have been your officer, 'tis true Sir,
And a proud man I should have been to have serv'd you,
'T has pleas'd the King out of his boundless favours,
To make me your companion, this commission
Gives me a troop of horse.
Juan.
I do rejoyce at it,
And am a glad man we shall gain your company,
I am sure the King knows you are newly married,
And out of that respect gives you more time Sir.
Leon.
Within four daies I am gone, so he commands me,
And 'tis not mannerly for me to argue it,
The time grows shorter still, are your goods ready?
Juan.
They are aboard.
Leon.
Who waits there?
Enter Servant.
Servant.
Sir.
Le.
Do you hear ho, go carry this unto your Mistris Sir,
And let her see how much the King has honour'd me,
Bid her be lusty, she must make a Souldier.
[Exit.
Enter Lorenzo.
Lorenzo, Sir,
Go take down all the hangings,
And pack up all my cloths, my plate and Jewels,
And all the furniture that's portable,
Sir when we lye in garrison, 'tis necessary
We keep a handsom port, for the Kings honour;
And do you hear, let all your Ladies wardrobe
Be safely plac'd in trunks, they must along too.
Lor.
Whither must they goe Sir?
Leon.
To the wars, Lorenzo,
And you and all, I will not leave a turn-spit,
That has one dram of spleen against a Dutchman.
Lor.
Why then St Jaques hey, you have made us all Sir,
And if we leave ye—does my Lady goe too?
Leon.
The stuff must goe to morrow towards the sea Sir,
All, all must goe.
Lor.
Why Pedro, Vasco, Dego,
Come help me, come come boys, soldadoes, comrades,
We'l sley these beer-bellied rogues, come away quickly.
Juan.
H'as taken a brave way to save his honour,
[Exit.
And cross the Duke, now I shall love him dearly,
By the life of credit thou art a noble Gentleman.
Enter Margarita, led by two Ladies.
Leon.
Why how now wife, what, sick at my preferment?
This is not kindly done.
Marg.
No sooner love ye,
Love ye intirely Sir, brought to consider
The goodness of your mind and mine own duty,
But lose you instantly, be divorc'd from ye?
This is a cruelty, I'le to the King
And tell him 'tis unjust to part two souls,
Two minds so nearly mixt.
Leon.
By no means sweet heart.
Marg.
If he were married but four daies as I am.
Leon.
He would hang himself the fifth, or fly his Country.
Marg.
He would make it treason for that tongue that durst
But talk of war, or any thing to vex him,
You shall not goe.
Leon.
Indeed I must sweet wise,
What shall I lose the King for a few kisses?
We'l have enough.
Marg.
I'le to the Duke my cousin, he shall to th'King.
Leon.
He did me this great office,
I thank his grace for't, should I pray him now,
To undoe't again? fye 'twere a base discredit.
Marg.
Would I were able Sir to bear you company,
How willing should I be then, and how merry!
I will not live alone.
Leon.
Be in peace, you shall not.
[knock within.
Mar.
What knocking's this? oh Heaven my head, why rascals
I thinks the war's begun i'th' house already.
Leon.
The preparation is, they are taking down,
And packing up the hangings, plate and Jewels,
And all those furnitures that shall besit me
When I lye in garrison.
Enter Coachman.
Coachm.
Must the Coach goe too Sir?
Leon.
How will your Lady pass toth' sea else easily?
We shall find shipping for't there to transport it.
Marg.
I goe? alas!
Leon.
I'le have a main care of ye,
I know ye are sickly, he shall drive the easier,
And all accommodation shall attend ye.
Marg.
Would I were able,
Leon.
Come I warrant ye,
Am not I with ye sweet? are her cloaths packt up,
And all her linnen? give your maids direction,
You know my time's but short, and I am commanded.
Marg.
Let me have a nurse,
And all such necessary people with me,
And an easie bark.
Leon.
It shall not trot I warrant ye,
Curvet it may sometimes.
Marg.
I am with child Sir.
Leon.
At four days warning? this is something speedy,
Do you conceive as our jennets do with a west winde?
My heir will be an arrant fleet one Lady,
I'le swear you were a maid when I first lay with ye.
Mar.
Pray do not swear, I thought I was a maid too,
But we may both be cozen'd in that point Sir.
Leon.
In such a strait point sure I could not err Madam.
Juan.
This is another tenderness to try him,
Fetch her up now.
Mar.
You must provide a cradle, and what a troubles that?
292
The sea shall rock it,
'Tis the best nurse; 'twill roar and rock together,
A swinging storm will sing you such a lullaby.
Marg.
Faith let me stay, I shall but shame ye Sir.
Leon.
And you were a thousand shames you shall along with me,
At home I am sure you'l prove a million,
Every man carries the bundle of his sins
Upon his own back, you are mine, I'le sweat for ye.
Enter Duke, Alonzo, Sanchio.
Duke.
What Sir, preparing for your noble journey?
'Tis well, and full of care.
I saw your mind was wedded to the war,
And knew you would prove some good man for your country,
Therefore fair Cousin with your gentle pardon,
I got this place: what, mourn at his advancement?
You are to blame, he will come again sweet cousin,
Mean time like sad Penelope and sage,
Amongst your maids at home, and huswifely.
Leon.
No Sir, I dare not leave her to that solitariness,
She is young, and grief or ill news from those quarters
May daily cross her, she shall goe along Sir.
Duke.
By no means Captain.
Leon.
By all means an't please ye.
Duke.
What take a young and tender bodied Lady,
And expose her to those dangers, and those tumults,
A sickly Lady too?
Leon.
'Twill make her well Sir,
There's no such friend to health as wholsom travel.
Sanch.
Away it must not be.
Alon.
It ought not Sir,
Go hurry her? it is not humane, Captain.
Duke.
I cannot blame her tears, fright her with tempests,
With thunder of the war.
I dare swear if she were able.
Leon.
She is most able.
And pray ye swear not, she must goe, there's no remedy,
Nor greatness, nor the trick you had to part us,
Which I smell too rank, too open, too evident
(And I must tell you Sir, 'tis most unnoble)
Shall hinder me: had she but ten hours life,
Nay less, but two hours, I would have her with me,
I would not leave her fame to so much ruine,
To such a desolation and discredit
As her weakness and your hot will wou'd work her to.
Enter Perez.
What Masque is this now?
More tropes and figures, to abuse my sufferance,
What cousin's this?
Juan.
Michael van owle, how dost thou?
In what dark barn or tod of aged Ivy
Hast thou lyen hid?
Perez.
Things must both ebbe and slow, Coronel,
And people must conceal, and shine again.
You are welcom hither as your friend may say, Gentleman,
A pretty house ye see handsomely seated,
Sweet and convenient walks, the waters crystal.
Alon.
He's certain mad.
Juan.
As mad as a French Tayler,
That has nothing in's head but ends of fustians.
Perez.
I see you are packing now my gentle cousin,
And my wife told me I should find it so,
'Tis true I do, you were merry when I was last here,
But 'twas your will to try my patience Madam.
I am sorry that my swift occasions
Can let you take your pleasure here no longer,
Yet I would have you think my honour'd cousin,
This house and all I have are all your servants.
Leon.
What house, what pleasure Sir, what do you mean?
Perez.
You hold the jest so stiff, 'twill prove discourteous,
This house I mean, the pleasures of this place.
Leon.
And what of them?
Perez.
They are mine Sir, and you know it,
My wifes I mean, and so confer'd upon me;
The hangings Sir I must entreat, your servants,
That are so busie in their offices,
Again to minister to their right uses,
I shall take view o'th' plate anon, and furnitures
That are of under place; you are merry still cousin,
And of a pleasant constitution,
Men of great fortunes make their mirths at placitum.
Leon.
Prethee good stubborn wife, tell me directly,
Good evil wife leave fooling and tell me honestly,
Is this my kinsman?
Marg.
I can tell ye nothing.
Leon.
I have many kinsmen, but so mad a one,
And so phantastick—all the house?
Perez.
All mine,
And all within it. I will not bate ye an ace on't.
Can you not receive a noble courtesie,
And quietly and handsomely as ye ought Couz,
But you must ride o'th' top on't?
Leon.
Canst thou fight?
Per.
I'le tell ye presently, I could have done Sir.
Leon.
For ye must law and claw before ye get it.
Juan.
Away, no quarrels.
Leon.
Now I am more temperate,
I'le have it prov'd if you were never yet in Bedlam,
Never in love, for that's a lunacy,
No great state left ye that you never lookt for,
Nor cannot manage, that's a rank distemper;
That you were christen'd, and who answer'd for ye,
And then I yield.
Perez.
H'as half perswaded me I was bred i'th' moon,
I have ne'r a bush at my breech, are not we both mad,
And is not this a phantastick house we are in,
And all a dream we do? will ye walk out Sir,
And if I do not beat thee presently
Into a sound belief, as sense can give thee,
Brick me into that wall there for a chimny piece,
And say I was one o'th' Cæsars, done by a seal-cutter.
Leon.
I'le talk no more, come we'l away immediatly.
Marg.
Why then the house is his, and all that's in it,
I'le give away my skin but I'le undoe ye,
I gave it to his wife, you must restore Sir,
And make a new provision.
Perez.
Am I mad now or am I christen'd, you my pagan cousin,
My mighty Mahound kinsman, what quirk now?
You shall be welcom all, I hope to see Sir
Your Grace here, and my couz, we are all Souldiers,
And must do naturally for one another.
Duke.
Are ye blank at this? then I must tell ye Sir,
Ye have no command, now ye may goe at pleasure
And ride your asse troop, 'twas a trick I us'd
To try your jealousie upon entreatie,
And saving of your wife.
Leon.
All this not moves me,
Nor stirs my gall, nor alters my affections,
You have more furniture, more houses Lady,
And rich ones too, I will make bold with those,
And you have Land i'th' Indies as I take it,
Thither we'l goe, and view a while those climats,
Visit your Factors there, that may betray ye,
'Tis done, we must goe.
Marg.
Now thou art a brave Gentleman,
And by this sacred light I love thee dearly.
The house is none of yours, I did but jest Sir,
Nor you are no couz of mine, I beseech ye vanish,
I tell you plain, you have no more right than he
Has, that senseless thing, your wife has once more fool'd ye:
Goe ye and consider.
Leon.
Good morrow my sweet cousin, I should be glad Sir.
Perez.
By this hand she dies for't,
Or any man that speaks for her.
[Exit Perez.
Juan.
These are fine toyes.
Marg.
Let me request you stay but one poor month,
You shall have a Commission and I'le goe too,
Give me but will so far.
293
Well I will try ye,
Good morrow to your Grace, we have private business.
Duke.
If I miss thee again, I am an arrant bungler.
Juan.
Thou shalt have my command, and I'le march under thee,
Nay be thy boy before thou shalt be baffled,
Thou art so brave a fellow.
Alon.
I have seen visions.
[Exeunt.
| Rule a Wife, and have a Wife | |