 | The Widow A Comedie |  |
Scæna 2.
Enter Latrocinio and Occulto, (a Banner of Cures and Diseases hung out.)La.
Away, out with the Banner, send's good luck to day.
Occ.
I warrant you; your name's spread Sir, for an Emperick.
Theres an old Mason troubled with the Stone,
Has sent to you this morning for your counsell,
He would have ease fain.
La.
Mary I cannot blame him sir.
43
Occ.
You must do somewhat sir, for hee's swoln most piteously,
Has urine in him now was brew'd last March.
La.
'Twill be rich geer for Dyers.
Occ.
I would 'twere come to that sir.
La.
Le' me see, ile send him a whole Musket-charge of Gun-powder.
Occ.
Gun-powder? what sir, to break the stone?
La.
I by my faith sir,
It is the likeliest thing I know to do't,
I'm sure it breaks stone-walls, and Castles down,
I see no reason, but't should break the stone.
Occ.
Nay, use your pleasure sir.
La.
'Troth, if that doe not
I ha' nothing els that will.
Occ.
I know that too.
La.
Why then thou'rt a Coxcomb to make question on't.
Goe call in all the rest, I have employment for them.
When the high-wayes grow thin with Travellers,
And few Portmantues stirring, as all trades
Have their dead time wee see; Thee very, poor takings,
And Lecherie cold doings, and so forwards still;
Then doe I tak my Inn, and those Curmoogions,
Whose Purses I can never get abroad,
I take 'em at more ease here i' my chamber,
And make 'em come to me, it's more state-like too:
Hang him that has but one way to his trade,
Hee's like a mouth that eats but on one side,
And half cozens his belly, specially if he dine among Shavers,
Enter all the rest Silvio, Stratio, Fiducio.
And both-handed feeders? Stratio, Silvio, and Fiducio,
I will have none left out, there's parts for you.
Sil.
For us? pray let's have 'em.
La.
Change your selves
With all speed possible into severall shapes
Far from your own, as you a Farmer sir,
A Grazier you, and you may be a Miller.
Fid.
Oh no, a Miller comes too neer a Theef,
That may spoil all agen.
La.
Some Country Taylor, then.
Fid.
That's neer enough by'r lady, yet Ile venture that;
The Miller's a white Devill, he wears his theft
44
Upon his nose, sometimes between his lips;
The Tailor modestly between his legs.
La.
Why pray, do you present that modest thief then,
And hark you, for the purpose.
Sil.
'Twill improve you sir.
La.
'Twill get believers, believe that my Masters,
Repute and confidence, and make all things cleerer;
When you see any come, repair you to me
As samples of my skill; there are few arts
But have their shadows Sirs to set 'em off;
Then where the Art it self is but a shadow
What need is there my Friends? make hast away sirs.
Exeunt.
Occ.
Where are you Sir?
[Enter Occulto.]
La.
Not far man; What's the newes?
Occ.
The old Justice sir, whom we rob'd once by Moon-light,
And bound his man and he in haycock-time
With a rope made of horse-meat, and in pittie
Left their Mares by 'em, which I think ere midnight
Did eat their hay-bound Masters both at libertie,—
La.
'Life, what of him man?
Occ.
Hee's enquiring earnestly
For the great man of art; indeed for you sir:
Therefore withdraw sweet sir; make your self daintie now,
And that's three parts of any profession.
La.
I have enough on't.
Exit.
[Enter Ansaldo.]
Occ.
How now, what thing's this?
Now by this light, the second part o'th' Justice
Newly reviv'd, with never a hair on's face,
It should be the first rather by his smoothness,
But I ha' known the first part written last:
'Tis he, or let me perish, the young Gentleman
We robd, and stript, but I am far from knowledge now.
Ans.
One word I pray Sir.
Occ.
With me gentle Sir?
Ans.
Was there not lately seen about these parts sir
A knot of fellows, whose conditions
Are privily suspected?
Occ.
Why doe you ask Sir?
Ans.
There was a poor young gentleman rob'd last night.
45
Robd?
Ans.
Stript of all y'faith.
Occ.
Oh beastly Rascals.
'Las what was he?
Ans.
Look o'me, and know him sir.
Occ.
Hard-hearted villains, strip? troth when I saw you
Methought those cloaths were never made for you sir.
Ans.
Want made me glad o'em.
Occ.
'Send you better fortunes sir:
That we may have about with you once agen.
Ans.
I thank you for your wish of love, kind sir.
Occ.
'Tis with my heart y'faith; now store of coyn
And better cloaths be with you.
Ans.
Ther's some honest yet
And charitably minded: how, wha'ts here to doe?
And charitably minded: how, wha'ts here to doe?
Here within this place is cur'd
Reads.
All the griefs that were ev'r endur'd.
Nay there thou lyest, I endur'd one last night,
Thou canst not cure this morning; a strange Promiser.
Thou canst not cure this morning; a strange Promiser.
Palsey, Gout, Hydropick Humour,
Breath that sticks beyond perfumer,
Fistula in ano, Ulcer, Megrum,
Or what disease so ere beleaguer 'em,
Stone, Rupture, Squinancie, Imposthume,
Yet too dear it shall not cost 'em.
Breath that sticks beyond perfumer,
Fistula in ano, Ulcer, Megrum,
Or what disease so ere beleaguer 'em,
Stone, Rupture, Squinancie, Imposthume,
Yet too dear it shall not cost 'em.
That's conscionably said y'faith.
In brief, you cannot I assure you
Be unsound so fast, as I can cure you.
[Enter Brandino and Martino.
Be unsound so fast, as I can cure you.
By'r Lady, you shall pardon me, ile not try't sir.
Bra.
Martino, is not yond my hinder parts?
Mar.
Yes, and your fore parts too Sir.
Bra.
I tro so,
I never saw my hind parts in my life else,
No, nor my fore ones neither: what are you sir?
Are you a Justice pray?
Ans.
A Justice? no truly.
Bra.
How came this Suit to you then?
Ans.
How, this Suit?
Why must he needs be a Justice sir, that wears it?
Bra.
You'l find it so: 'twas made for no body else.
46
Ans.
Oh strange fortune, I have undone
The charitable woman.
Bra.
Hee'l be gone.
Martino, hold him fast, Ile call for aid.
Ans.
Hold me? oh curss of fate!
Mar.
Oh Mr, Mr.
Bra.
What ayls Martino?
Mar.
In my conscience
Has beat out the wrong tooth, I feel it now,
Three degrees of.
Bra.
Oh slave, spoild a fine Penman.
Ans.
He lackd good manners though: lay hands o' me?
I scorn all the deserts, that belong to't.
[Enter Latrocinio.]
La.
Why how now? what's the broil?
Bra.
The man of art
I take you sir to be.
La.
I'm the professor
Of those slight cures you read of in the Banner.
Bra.
Our business was to you most skilfull sir,
But in the way to you, right worshipfull
I met a thief.
La.
A thief?
Bra.
With my cloaths on sir,
Let but the Hose be searcht, ile pawn my life
Ther's yet the Tailors bill in one o'th' pockets,
And a white thimble that I found i' moon light,
Thou sawst me when I put it in Martino.
Mar.
Oy, oy.
Bra.
Oh, has spoild the worthiest Clark that ere drew Warrant
here.
La.
Sir, y'ar a stranger, but I must deal plain with you,
That Suit of cloaths must needs come only to you.
Ans.
I dare not say which way, that's my affliction.
La.
Is not your worships name Signior Brandino sir?
Bra.
It has been so, these threescore year and upwards.
La.
I heard there was a robbery done last night
Neer to your house.
Ans.
You heard a truth then sir,
And I the man was rob'd.
47
Ah that's too gross
Send him away for fear of farther mischief,
I doe not like him, he's a cunning knave.
Bra.
I want but aid.
[Ent. 2 or 3 Servants.]
La.
Within there.
Bra.
Ceize upon that impudent thief.
Ans.
Then here me speak.
Bra.
Away;
Ile neither hear thee speak, nor wear those cloaths agen,
To prison with the varlet.
Ans.
How am I punish'd?
Bra.
Ile make thee bring out all, before I leave thee.
[Ex. with Ansaldo.
La.
Y'have took an excellent course with this
bold villain sir.
Bra.
I am sworn for service to the Commonwealth
sir,
What are these, learned sir?
La.
Oh they'r my patients.
Good morrow, Gout, Rupture, and Palsie.
Stra.
'Tis farewell Gout almost, I thank your worship.
La.
What no you cannot part so soon, I hope?
You came but lately to me.
Stra.
But most happily,
I can goe neer to leap sir.
La.
What you cannot?
Away I say, take heed, be not to ventrous though,
I've had you but three daies, remember that.
Stra.
Those three are better than three hundred sir.
La.
Yet agen?
Stra.
Ease takes pleasure to be known sir.
La.
You with the rupture there hernia in scrotum.
Pray let me see your space this morning, walk sir,
Ile take your distance strait: 'twas F. O. yesterday:
Ah sirha, here's a simple alteration,
Secundo gradu, ye F. U. already,
Here's a most happy change; be of good comfort sir,
Your knees are come, within three inches now
Of one an other; by to morrow noon
Ile make 'em kiss, and justle.
Sil.
'Bless your worship.
48
You have a hundred pray'rs in a morning sir.
La.
'Faith we have a few to pass away the day with:
Taylor, you had a stitch.
Fid.
Oh good your worship
I have had none since Easter: were I rid
But of this whorson Palsey, I were happy;
I cannot thred my needle.
La.
No, that's hard,
I never markt so much.
Fid.
It comes by fits sir.
La.
'Las poor man: what would your worship say now
To see me help this fellow at an instant?
Bra.
And make him firm from shaking?
La.
As a steeple,
From the disease on't.
Bra.
'Tis to me miraculous.
La.
You, with your whoremaster disease, come hither;
Here, take me this round glass, and hold it stedfast,
Yet more sir, yet I say; so.
Bra.
Admirable.
La.
Goe, live, and thred thy needle.
Bra.
Here Martino:
'Las poor Fool, his mouth is full of praises
And cannot utter 'em.
La.
No, what's the malady?
Bra.
The fury of a tooth.
La.
A tooth? ha, ha,
I thought 't had been some Gangrene, Fistula,
Canker, or Ramex.
Bra.
No, 'its enough as 'tis sir.
La.
My man shall ease that streight, sit you down there sir,
Take the tooth sirha, daintily, insensibly:
But what's your worships malady, that's for me sir?
Bra.
Marry pray look you sir: your worships Counsell
About mine eyes.
La.
Sore eyes? that's nothing too sir.
Bra.
By'r Lady I that feel it think it somewhat.
La.
Have you no Convulsions? pricking aches sir,
Rupture, or Apostemates?
Bra.
No by my faith sir,
49
La.
Those are cures,
There doe I win my fame sir: quickly sirrah,
Reach me the eye-cup hither: doe you make water well sir?
Bra.
I'm all well there.
La.
You feel no grief i'th' kidney.
Bra.
Sound, sound, sound sir.
La.
Oh here's a breath sir, I must talk withall
One of these mornings.
Bra.
There I think y'faith,
I am to blame indeed, and my Wifes words
Are come to passe sir.
Mar.
Oh, oh, 'tis not that, 'tis not that
It is the next beyond it; there, there, there.
Occ.
The best have their mistakings: now Ile fit you sir.
Bra.
What's that sweet Sir, that comforts with his coolness?
La.
Oh sovereign goer: wink hard, and keep it in sir.
Mar.
Oh, oh, oh.
Occ.
Nay, here he goes, one twitch more, and he comes sir.
Mar.
Auh, ho.
Occ.
Spit out. I told you he was gone sir.
Bra.
How cheers Martino?
Mar.
Oh, I can answer you now Master,
I feel great ease sir.
Bra.
So doe I Martino.
Mar.
I'm rid of a sore burden, for my part Master
Of a scal'd little one.
La.
Please but your worship now
To take three drops of the rich water with you,
Ile undertake your man shall cure you sir
At twice i'your own Chamber.
Bra.
Shall he so sir?
La.
I will uphold him in't.
Mar.
Then will I do't sir.
La.
How lively your man's now?
Mar.
Oh I'm so light me thinks
Over I was.
Bra.
What is't contents your worship?
La.
Ev'n what your worship please. I am not mercenary.
Bra.
My purse is gone Martino.
50
How, your purse sir?
Bra.
'Tis gon y'faith: I'ave been among some Rascalls.
Mar.
And that's a thing
I ever gave you warning of Master, you care not
What company you run into.
Bra.
Lend me some money: chide me anon I pre'thee.
A pox on 'em for vipers, they ha' suckt blood o'me.
Mar.
Oh Master.
Bra.
How now man?
Mar.
My purse is gon too.
Bra.
How? Ile never take warning more of thee while I live
then, thou art an Hypocrite, and art not fit to give good counsell
to thy Master, that canst not keep from ill company thy
self.
La.
This is most strange sir: both your purses gon.
Mar.
Sir, I'de my hand on mine, when I came in.
La.
Are you but sure of that; oh would you were.
Mar.
As I'm of ease.
La.
Then, they'r both gon one way, be that your comfort.
Bra.
I but what way's that sir?
La.
That close knave in your Clothes h'as got 'em both,
'Tis well y'have clapt him fast.
Bra.
Why that's impossible.
La.
Oh tell not me sir: I ha' known purses gon,
And the Theef stand, and look one full i'th' face,
As I may doe your Worship, and your man now.
Mar.
Nay, that's most certain Master.
Bra.
I will make
That Rascall in my clothes answer all this then,
And all the robberies that have been don
Since the Moon chang'd; get you home first Martino,
And know if any of my wives things are missing,
Or any more of mine: tell her hee's taken,
And by that token he has took both our purses.
Mar.
That's an ill token Master.
Bra.
That's all one sir,
She must have that or nothing, for I'm sure
The Rascall has left nothing els for a Token.
Begon, make hast agen; and meet me pass o'th' way.
Mar.
Ile hang the villain,
51
Exit.
Bra.
Sir, I depart asham'd of my requitall,
And leave this seal ring with you as a pledge
Of further thankfulness.
La.
No, I beseech you sir.
Bra.
Indeed you shall sir.
La.
Oh, your worships word sir.
Bra.
You shall have my word too, for a rare gentleman
As ere I met withall.
Exit.
La.
Cleer sight be with you sir;
If Conduit-water, and my Hostesse Milk
That comes with the ninth child now, may afford it.
'Life, I fear'd none but thee, my villanous toothdrawer,
Occult.
There was no fear of me; I've often told you
I was bound Prentice to a Barber once,
But ran away i'th' second year.
La.
I marry,
That made thee give a pull at the wrong tooth.
And me afraid of thee: what have we there sirs?
Occ.
Some threescore Dollars i'the Masters purse,
And sixteen in the Clerks, a Silver seal,
Two or three Amber beads, and four blank Warrants.
La.
Warrants? where be they? the best news came yet.
'Masse here's his hand, and here's his Seal I thank him,
This comes most luckily: one of our fellows
Was took last night, wee'l set him first at libertie,
And other good Boyes after him: and if he
In th'old Justices Suit, whom he rob'd lately,
Will come off roundly, wee'l set him free too.
Occ.
That were a good deed 'faith, we may in pitty.
La.
There's nothing done meerly for pitty now adaies,
Money or Ware must help too.
Song, in parts by the Thieves.
Give me fortune, give me health,
Give me freedome, Ile get wealth.
Who complains his fate's amiss,
When he has the wide world his?
He that has the Devill in fee,
Can have but all, and so have wee.
52
Give us freedome, wee'l get wealth.
In every Hamlet, Town and Cittie,
He has lands, that was born wittie.
Exeunt.
| The Widow A Comedie | |