A Chast Mayd in Cheape-side A Pleasant conceited Comedy neuer before printed |
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Actus Quartus.
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 | A Chast Mayd in Cheape-side |  |
Actus Quartus.
Enter Tim and Tutor.Tim.
Negatur argumentum Tutor.
Tut.
Probo tibi Pupill, stultus non est animal rationale.
Tim.
Faller is sane.
Tut.
Quaso vi taceas, probo tibi.
Tim.
Quomodo probas domine.
Tut.
Stultus non habet rationem, ergo non est animal rationale.
Tim.
Sic argumentaris domine, stultus non habet rationem,
ergo non est animal rationale, negatur argumentum againe
Tutor.
Tut.
Argumentum itterum probo tibi domine, qui non participat
de ratione nullo modo potest vocari rationalibus, but
stultus non participat de ratione, ergo stultus nullo modo potest
dicere rationalis.
Tim.
Participat.
Tut.
Sic disputus, qui participat quomodo participat.
Tim.
Ut homo, probabo tibi in silagismo.
Tut.
Hunc proba.
Tim.
Sic probo domine, stultus est homo sicut tu & ego sum,
homo est animal rationale, sicut stultus est animal rationale.
Maudl.
Here's nothing but disputing all the day long
with 'em.
Tut.
Sic disputus, stultus est homo sicut tu & ego sum homo
est animal rationale, sicut stultus est animal rationale.
Maudl.
Your reasons are both good what e're they be
Pray giue them or'e, faith you'le tire your selues,
What's the matter betweene you?
Tim.
Nothing but reasoning about a Foole Mother.
Maudl.
About a Foole Son, alas what need you trouble
your heads about that, none of vs all but knowes what a
Foole is.
Tim.
Why what's a Foole Mother?
I come to you now.
Maudl.
Why one that's married before he has wit.
Tim.
'Tis prettie I faith, and well guest of a Woman
neuer brought vp at the Vniuersitie: but bring forth what
Foole you will Mother, I'le proue him to be as reasonable
a Creature, as my selfe or my Tutor here.
Maudl.
Fye 'tis impossible.
Tut.
Nay he shall do't forsooth.
Tim.
'Tis the easiest thing to proue a Foole by Logicke,
By Logicke I'le proue any thing.
Maudl.
What thou wilt not?
Tim.
I'le proue a Whore to be an honest Woman.
Maudl.
Nay by my faith, she must proue that her selfe,
or Logicke will neuer do't.
Tim.
'Twill do't I tell you.
Maudl.
Some in this Street would giue a thousand
pounds that you could proue their Wines so.
Tim.
Faith I can, and all their Daughters too, though
they had three Bastards. When comes your Taylor hither?
Maudl.
Why what of him?
Tim.
By Logicke I'le proue him to be a Man,
Let him come when he will.
How hard at first was Learning to him? Truly
Sir I thought he would neuer a tooke the Latine Tongue.
How many Accidences doe you thinke he wore out e're he
came to his Grammer?
Tut.
Some three or foure.
Maudl.
Beleeue me Sir some foure and thirtie.
Tim.
Pish I made haberdins of 'em in Church porches
Maudl.
He was eight yeeres in his Grammer, and
stucke horribly at a foolish place there call'd Asse in presenti.
Tim.
Pox I haue it here now.
Maudl.
He so sham'd me once before an honest Gentleman
that knew me when I was a Mayd
Tim.
These women must haue all out.
Maudl.
Quid est Gramatica? Sayes the Gentleman to
him (I shall remember by a sweet sweet token) but nothing
could he answer.
Tut.
How now Pupill, ha, Quid est Gramatica?
Tim.
Grammatica? Ha, ha, ha.
Maudl.
Nay doe not laugh Sonne, but let me heare you
say it now: There was one word went so prettily off the
Gentlemans tongue, I shall remember it the longest day of
my life.
Tut.
Come, Quid est Gramatica?
Tim.
Are you not asham'd Tutor, Gramatica? Why
Recte scribendi atque loquendi ars, ser-reuerence of my Mother.
Maudl.
That was it I faith: Why now Sonne I see you
are a deepe Scholler: And Mr Tutor a word I pray, let vs
with-draw a little into my Husbands Chamber, I'le send in
the North-Wales Gentlewoman to him, she lookes for
wooing: I'le put together both, and locke the Dore.
Tut.
I giue great approbation to your conclusion.
Exit
Tim.
I mar'le what this Gentlewoman should be,
That I should haue in marriage, she's a stranger to me:
I wonder what my Parents meane I faith,
To match me with a stranger so:
Life doe they thinke I haue no more care of my Body,
Then to lye with one that I ne're knew,
A meere stranger,
One that ne're went to Schoole with me neither,
Nor euer play-fellowes together,
They'r mightily o're-seene in't me thinkes,
They say she has Mountaines to her marriage,
She's full of Cattell, some two thousand Runts,
Now what the meaning of these Runts should be,
My Tutor cannot tell me,
I haue look't in Riders Dixcionarie for the Letter R,
And there I can heare no tydings of these Runts neither,
Vnlesse they should be Rumford Hogges,
I know them not,
Enter Welch Gentlewoman.
And here she comes,
If I know what to say to her now
In the way of marriage, I'me no Graduate,
Me thinkes I faith 'tis bouldly done of her
To come into my Chamber being but a stranger,
She shall not say I'me so proud yet, but I'le speake to her,
Marry as I will order it,
She shall take no hold of my words I'le warrant her,
She lookes and makes a coursey,
Salue in quoque puella pulcherima,
Quid vis nescio nec sane curo,
Tully's owne phrase to a Hart.
W.G.
I know not what he meanes,
A Sutor quoth a?
I hold my life he vnderstands no English.
Tim.
Ferter me hercule tu virgo,
Wallia vt opibus abundis maximis.
W.G.
What's this fertur and abundundis?
He mockes me sure, and calles me a bundle of Farts.
I haue no Latine word now for their Runts, I'le
make some shift or other: Itterum dico opibus abundat
maximis montibus & fontibus & vt ita dicam Rontibus, attamen
vero homauculus ego sum natura simule arte bachalarius
lecto profecto non parata.
W.G.
This is most strange, may be he can speake Welch,
Auedera whee comrage, der due cog foginis.
Tim.
Cog foggin, I scorne to cog with her, I'le tell her so
too in a word neere her owne Language: Ego non cogo.
W.G.
Rhe gosin a whig gin harle ron corid ambre.
Tim.
By my faith she's a good scholler, I see that already
She has the Tongues plaine, I hold my life she has traueld,
What will folkes say? There goes the learned couple,
Faith if the truth were knowne, she hath proceeded.
Enter Maudline.
Maudl.
How now, how speeds your businesse?
Tim.
I'me glad my Mothers come to part vs.
Maud.
How doe you agree forsooth?
W.G.
As well as e're we did before we met.
Maudl.
How's that?
W.G.
You put me to a Man I vnderstand not,
Your Sonne's no English Man me thinkes.
Maudl.
No English Man, blesse my Boy,
And borne i'the Heart of London?
W.G.
I ha' been long enough in the chamber with him,
And I find neither Welch nor English in him.
Maudl.
Why Tim, how haue you vs'd the Gentlewoman?
Tim.
As well as a Man might doe Mother, in modest
Latine.
Maudl.
Latine Foole?
Tim.
And she recoyl'd in Hebrew.
Maudl.
In Hebrew Foole? 'Tis Welch.
Tim.
All comes to one Mother.
Maudl.
She can speake English too.
Who tould me so much?
Heart and she can speake English, I'le clap to her,
I thought you'ld marrie me to a stranger.
Maudl.
You must forgiue him, he's so inur'd to Latin,
He and his Tutor, that he hath quite forgot
To vse the Protestant tongue.
W.G.
'Tis quickly pardon'd forsooth.
Maudl.
Tim make amends and kisse her,
He makes towards you forsooth.
Tim.
O delicious, one may discouer her Countrey by her
kissing, 'Tis a true saying, there's nothing tasts so sweet as
your Welch Mutton: It was reported you could sing.
Maudl.
O rarely Tim, the sweetest British Songs.
Tim.
And 'tis my mind I sweare before I marrie,
I would see all my Wines good parts at once,
To view how rich I were.
Maudl.
Pray forsooth.
The Song.
But he is a wanton Boy,
A verie verie wanton Boy,
He shoots at Ladyes naked Brests,
He is the cause of most Mens Crests,
I meane vpon the Forehead,
Inuisible but horrid,
'Twas he first taught upon the way,
To keepe a Ladyes Lips in play.
For the prankes that he hath done,
The wanton prankes that he hath done?
He shoots his Firie Darts so thicke,
They hurt poore Ladyes to the quicke,
His Darts are so confounding,
That life and sence would soone decay,
But that he keepes their Lips in play.
In a quickly fleeting kisse,
A quickly fleeting kisse,
To ones pleasure, leasures are but wast,
The slowest kisse makes too much hast,
And loose it ere we find it,
The pleasing sport they onely know,
That cloase aboue and cloase below.
Tim.
I would not change my wife for a Kingdome,
I can doe somewhat too in my owne Lodging.
Enter Yellow-hammer, and All-wit.
Yell.
Why well sayd Tim, the Bels goe merrily,
I loue such peales alife, wife lead them in a while,
Here's a strange Gentleman desires priuate conference.
You'r welcome Sir, the more for your names sake.
Good Mr Yellowhammer, I loue my name well,
And which a'the Yellowhammers take you descent from,
If I may be so bold with you, which I pray?
All.
The Yellowhammers in Oxfordshiere,
Neere Abbington.
Yell.
And those are the best Yellowhammers, and truest
bred: I came from thence my selfe, though now a Citizen:
I'le be bold with you, You are most welcome.
All.
I hope the zeale I bring with me shall deserue it.
Yell.
I hope no lesse, what is your will Sir?
All.
I vnderstand by rumors, you haue a Daughter,
Which my bold loue shall hence-forth title cousen.
Yell.
I thanke you for her Sir.
All.
I heard of her vertues, and other confirm'd graces.
A plaguy Girle Sir.
All.
Fame sets her out with richer ornaments,
Then you are pleas'd to boast of, 'Tis done modestly,
I heare she's towards marriage.
Yell.
You heare truth Sir.
All.
And with a Knight in Towne, Sr
Walter Whorehound.
Yell.
The verie same Sir.
All.
I am the sorrier for't.
Yell.
The sorrier, Why cousen?
All.
'Tis not too farre past ist? It may be yet recal'd?
Yell.
Recal'd, why good Sir?
All.
Resolue me in that point ye shall heare from me.
Yell.
There's no Contract past.
All.
I am verie ioyfull Sir.
Yell.
But he's the Man must bed her.
All.
By no meanes cus, she's quite vndone then,
And you'le curse the time that e're you made the match,
He's an arrant whore master, consumes his time and state,
—whom in my knowledge he hath kept this 7 yeres,
Nay cus, another Mans Wife too.
Yell.
O ahbominable!
All.
Maintaines the whole house, apparels the husband,
Payes seruants wadges, not so much, but—
Yell.
Worse and worse, & doth the husband know this?
All.
Knowes? I and glad he may too, 'tis his liuing,
As other Trades thriue, Butchers by selling Flesh,
Poulters by venting Connies, or the like cous.
Yell.
What an incomparable Witall's this?
All.
Tush, what cares he for that?
Beleeue me cous, no more then I doe.
Yell.
What a base Slaue is that?
All.
All's one to him, he feeds and takes his ease,
Was ne're the Man that euer broake his sleepe,
To get a Child yet by his owne confession,
And yet his Wife has seuen.
Yell.
What, by Sr Walter?
Sr Walter's like to keepe 'em, and maintaine 'em,
In excellent fashion, he dares doe no lesse Sir.
Yell.
Life has he Children too?
All.
Children? Boyes thus high,
In their Cato and Cordelius.
Yell.
What you iest Sir?
All.
Why, one can make a Verse,
And is now at Eaton Colledge.
Yell.
O this newes has cut into my Heart cous.
All.
It had eaten neerer if it had not beene preuented.
One Allwit's? Wife.
Yell.
Allwit? 'Foot I haue heard of him,
He had a Girle Kursned lately?
All.
I that worke did cost the Knight aboue a hundred
marke.
Yell.
I'le marke him for a Knaue and Villaine for't,
A thousand thankes and blessings, I haue done with him.
All.
Ha, ha, ha, this Knight will sticke by my ribs still,
I shall not loose him yet, no Wife will come,
Where e're he woos, I find him still at home, Ha, ha,
Exit
Yell.
Well grant all this, say now his deeds are blacke,
Pray what serues marriage, but to call him backe,
I haue kept a Whore my selfe, and had a Bastard,
By Mr i s Anne, in Anno
I care not who knowes it, he's now a iolly fellow,
H'as beene twice Warden, so may his fruit be,
They were but base begot, and so was he,
The Knight is rich, he shall be my Sonne-in-Law,
No matter so the Whore he keepes be wholesome,
My Daughter takes no hurt then, so let them wed,
I'le haue him sweat well e're they goe to Bed.
Enter Maudline.
Maudl.
O Husband, Husband.
Yell.
How now Maudline?
Maudl.
We are all vndone, she's gone, she's gone.
Againe, Death which way?
Maudl.
Ouer the Houses:
Lay the Water-side, she's gone for euer else.
Yell.
O ventrous Baggage!
Exit
Enter Tim and Tutor.
Tim.
Theeues, Theeues, my Sister's stolne,
Some Thiefe hath got her:
O how myraculously did my Fathers Plate scape,
'Twas all left out Tutor.
Tut.
Ist possible?
Tim.
Besides three chaines of Pearle & a Box of Curral.
My Sister's gone, let's looke at Trig-staires for her,
My Mother's gone to lay the Common-staires,
At Puddle-wharfe, and at the Docke below,
Stands my poore silly Father, Run sweet Tutor, run.
Exit
Enter both the Tuchwoods.
T.S.
I had beene taken Brother by eight Sergeants,
But for the honest Watermen, I am bound to them,
They are the most requiteful'st people liuing,
For as they get their meanes by Gentlemen,
They are still the forwardest to helpe Gentlemen,
You heard how one scap't out of the Blacke-Fryers,
But a while since from two or three Varlets
Came into the House with all their Rapiers drawne,
As if they'd daunce the Sword-dance on the Stage,
With Candles in their Hands like Chandlers Ghosts,
Whil'st the poore Gentleman so pursued and banded,
Was by an honest paire of Oares safely landed.
T.I.
I loue them with my Heart for't.
Enter three or foure Watermen.
1
Your first Man Sir.
2
Shall carrie you Gentlemen with a paire of Oares?
T.S.
These be the honest Fellowes,
Take one paire, and leaue the rest for her.
T.I.
Barne-Elmes.
No more Brother.
1.
Your first man.
2
Shall I carrie your Worship?
T.I.
Goe, and you honest watermen that stay,
Here's a French-crowne for you,
There comes a Mayd with all speed to take water,
Row her lustily to Barne-Elmes after me.
2
To Barne-Elmes, good Sir: make ready the boat Sam,
We'le wait below.
Exit
Enter Moll.
T.I.
What made you stay so long?
Moll.
I found the way more dangerous then I look't
for.
T.I.
Away quicke, there's a Boat waites for you,
And I'le take water at Pauls-wharfe, and ouer-take you.
Moll.
Good Sir doe, we cannot be too safe.
Enter Sr Walter, Yellowhammer, Tim and Tutor.
S. Walt.
Life, call you this close keeping?
Yell.
She was kept vnder a double locke.
S. Walt.
A double Deuill.
Tim.
That's a buffe Serieant Tutor, he'le ne're were out.
Yell.
How would you haue Women lock't?
Tim.
With Padlockes Father, the Venetian vses it,
My Tutor reads it.
S. Walt.
Heart, if she were so lock't vp, how got she
out?
Yell.
There was a little hole look't into the gutter,
But who would haue drempt of that?
S. Walt.
A wiser Man would.
Tim.
He sayes true Father, a wise man for loue will seeke
euerie hole: my Tutor knowes it.
Tut.
Verum poeta dicit.
Tim.
Dicit Virgillius Father.
Prethee talke of thy Gills some-where else, she's
play'd the Gill with me: where's your wise Mother now?
Tim.
Run mad I thinke, I thought she would haue
drown'd her selfe, she would not stay for Oares, but tooke
a Smelt-boat: sure I thinke she be gone a fishing for her.
Yell.
She'le catch a goodly dish of Gudgeons now,
Will serue vs all to Supper.
Enter Maudline drawing Moll by the Hayre, and Watermen.
Maudl.
I'le tug thee home by the Hayre.
Wat.
Good Mistris spare her.
Maudl.
Tend your owne businesse.
Wat.
You are a cruell Mother.
Exit
Moll.
O my Heart dyes!
Maudl.
I'le make thee an example for all the Neighbors
Daughters.
Moll.
Farwell life.
Maudl.
You that haue trickes can counterfeit.
Yell.
Hold, hold Maudline.
Maud.
I haue brought your Iewell by the Hayre.
Yell.
She's here Knight.
S. Walt.
Forbeare or I'le grow worse.
Tim.
Looke on her Tutor, she hath brought her from
the Water like a Mermayd, she's but halfe my Sister now,
as farre as the Flesh goes, the rest may be sold to Fishwiues.
Maudl.
Desembling cunning baggage.
Yell.
Impudent Strumpet.
S. Walt.
Either giue ouer both, or I'le giue ouer:
Why haue you vsde me thus vnkind Mistris?
Wherein haue I deserued?
Yell.
You talke too fondly Sir, we'le take another course
and preuent all, we might haue don't long since, we'le loose
no time now, nor trust to't any longer, to morrow morne
as early as Sunne rise we'le haue you ioyn'd.
O bring me Death to night, Loue pittying Fates,
Let me not see to morrow vp vpon the World.
Yell.
Are you content Sir, till then she shall be watch't?
Maudl.
Baggage you shall.
Exit
Tim.
Why Father, my Tutor and I will both watch in
Armour.
Tut.
How shall we doe for Weapons?
Tim.
Take you no care for that, if need be I can send for
conquering mettall Tutor, ne're lost day yet, 'tis but at
Westminster, I am acquainted with him that keepes the
Monuments, I can borrow Harry the Fifth's Sword, 'twill
serue vs both to watch with.
Exit
S. Walt.
I neuer was so neere my wish, as this chance
Makes me, ere to morrow noone,
I shall receiue two thousand pound in Gold,
And a sweet Mayden-head
Worth fourtie.
Enter Tuchwood Iunior with a Waterman.
T.I.
O thy newes splits me.
Wat.
Halfe drown'd, she cruelly tug'd her by the Hayre,
Forc't her disgracefully, not like a Mother.
T.I.
Enough, leaue me like my Ioyes,
Exit Wat.
Sir saw you not a wretched Mayd passe this way?
Heart Villaine, is it thou?
Both draw and fight
S. Walt.
Yes Slaue, 'tis I.
T.I.
I must breake through thee then, there is no stop
That checkes my Tongue, and all my hopefull fortunes,
That Breast excepted, and I must haue way.
S. Walt.
Sir I beleeue 'twill hold your life in play.
T.I.
Sir you'le gaine the Heart in my Brest at first?
S. Walt.
There is no dealing then, thinke on the Dowrie
for two thousand pounds.
T.I.
O now 'tis quit Sir.
S. Walt.
And being of euen hand, I'le play no longer.
T.I.
No longer Slaue?
I haue certaine things to thinke on,
Before I dare goe further.
T.I.
But one bout?
I'le follow thee to death, but ha't out.
Exit
| A Chast Mayd in Cheape-side | |