A Chast Mayd in Cheape-side A Pleasant conceited Comedy neuer before printed |
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Actus Tertius.
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 | A Chast Mayd in Cheape-side |  |
Actus Tertius.
Enter Tuchwood Iunior, and a Parson.T.I.
O Sir, if euer you felt the force of loue, pittie it
in me.
Par.
Yes, though I ne're was married Sir,
I haue felt the force of loue from good mens daughters,
And some that will be Mayds yet three yeeres hence.
Haue you got a Licence?
T.I.
Here 'tis ready Sir.
Par.
That's well.
T.I.
The Ring and all things perfect, she'le steale hither.
Par.
She shall be welcome Sir, I'le not be long
A clapping you together.
Enter Moll, and Tuchwood Senior.
T.I.
O here she's come Sir.
Par.
What's he?
T.I.
My honest Brother.
T.S.
Quicke, make hast Sirs.
Moll.
You must dispatch with all the speed you can,
For I shall be mist straight, I made hard shift
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Par.
Then I'le not linger,
Place that Ring vpon her Finger,
This the Finger playes the part,
Whose master Veine shoots from the Heart,
Now ioyne Hands.
Enter Yellow-hammer, and Sir Walter.
Yell.
Which I will seuer,
And so ne're againe meet neuer.
Moll.
O we are betray'd.
T.I.
Hard fate.
S. Walt.
I am strucke with wonder.
Yell.
Was this the politike fetch, thou misticall baggage
Thou disobedient strumpet,
And were so wise to send for her to such an end,
S. Walt.
Now I disclaime the end, you'le make me mad.
Yell.
And what are you Sir?
T.I.
And you cannot see with those two Glasses, put on
a paire more.
Yell.
I dreampt of anger still, here take your Ring Sir,
Ha this, life 'tis the same, abhominable,
Did not I sell this Ring?
T.I.
I thinke you did, you receiued money for't.
Yell.
Heart, harke you Knight,
Here's no inconscionable villany,
Set me a worke to make the Wedding Ring,
And come with an intent to steale my Daughter,
Did euer run-a-way match it?
S. Walt.
'This your Brother Sir?
T.S.
He can tell that as well as I.
Yell.
The verie Poesie mockes me to my face,
Loue that's wise, blinds Parents eyes,
I thanke your wisedome Sir for blinding of vs,
We haue good hope to recouer our sight shortly,
In the meane time I will locke vp this baggage,
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If a close Roome or so can keepe her from the light on't.
Moll.
O sweet Father, for Loues sake pittie me.
Yell.
Away.
Moll.
Farewell Sir, all content blesse thee,
And take this for comfort,
Though violence keepe me, thou canst loose me neuer,
I am euer thine although we part for euer.
Yell.
I we shall part you Minkes.
Exit
S. Walt.
Your acquaintance Sir, came verie lately,
Yet it came too soone,
I must here-after know you for no friend,
But one that I must shun like Pestilence,
Or the Disease of Lust.
T.I.
Like enough Sir, you ha' tane me at the worst time
for words that e're ye pick't out, faith doe not wrong me
Sir.
Exit
T.S.
Looke after him and spare not, there he walkes
That neuer yet receiued baffling, you'r blest
More then e're I knew, goe take your rest.
Exit
S. Walt.
I pardon you, you are both loosers.
Exit
A Bed thrust out vpon the Stage, Allwits Wife in it, Enter all the Gossips.
1 Goss.
How ist Woman, we haue brought you home
A Kursen Soule.
Wife.
I, I thanke your paines.
Pur.
And verily well kursend, i'the right way,
Without Idolatry or Superstition,
After the pure manner of Amsterdam.
Wife.
Sit downe good Neighbours, Nurse.
Nurse.
At hand forsooth.
Wife.
Looke they haue all low stooles
Nurse.
They haue forsooth.
2 Goss.
Bring the Child hither Nurse, how say you now
Gossip, ist not a chopping Girle, so like the Father?
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As if it had beene spit out of his Mouth,
Ey'd, nos'd, and brow'd as like a Girle can be,
Onely indeed it has the Mothers Mouth.
2 Goss.
The Mothers Mouth vp and downe, vp and
downe.
3 Goss.
'Tis a large Child, she's but a little Woman.
Pur.
No beleeue me, a verie spynie Creature, but all hart,
Well metteld, like the faithfull to endure
Her tribulation here, and rayse vp seed.
2 Goss.
She had a sore labour on't I warrant you, you can
tell Neighbour.
3 Goss.
O she had great speed,
We were afrayd once,
But she made vs all haue ioyfull hearts againe,
'Tis a good Soule I faith,
The Midwife found her a most cheerefull Daughter.
Pur.
'Tis the spirit, the Sisters are all like her,
Enter Sir Walter with two Spoones and Plate and Allwit.
2 Goss.
O here comes the chiefe Gossip Neighbours.
S. Walt.
The fatnesse of your wishes to you all Ladyes.
3 Goss.
O deer sweet gentleman, what fine words he has
The fatnesse of our wishes.
2 Goss.
Calles vs all Ladyes.
4 Goss.
I promise you a fine Gentleman, and a courteous.
2 Goss.
Me thinkes her Husband shewes like a Clowne
to him.
3 Goss.
I would not care what Clowne my Husband
were too, so I had such fine Children.
2 Goss.
She's all fine Children Gossip.
3 Goss.
I, and see how fast they come.
Pur.
Children are blessings, if they be got with zeale,
By the Brethren, as I haue fiue at home.
S. Walt.
The worst is past, I hope now Gossip.
Wife.
So I hope to good Sir.
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Why then so hope I too for company,
I haue nothing to doe else.
S. Walt.
A poore remembrance Lady,
To the 'loue of the Babe, I pray accept of it.
Wife.
O you are at too much charge Sir.
2 Goss.
Looke, looke, what has he giuen her, what ist
Gossip?
3 Goss.
Now by my faith a faire high standing Cup, and
two great Postle Spoones, one of them gilt.
1 Pur.
Sure that was Iudas then with the red Beard.
2 Par.
I would not feed my daughter with that spoone
for all the World, for feare of colouring her Heyre, Red
Hayre the Brethren like not, it consumes them much, 'tis
not the Sisters colour.
Enter Nurse with Comfits and Wine.
All.
Well said Nurse,
About, about with them amongst the Gossips,
Now out comes all the tasseld Handkerchers,
They are spred abroad betweene their Knees already,
Now in goes the long Fingers that are wash't
Some thrice a day in Vrin, my Wife vses it,
Now we shall haue such pocketing,
See how they lurch at the lower end.
Pur.
Come hither Nurse.
All.
Againe, she has taken twice already.
Pur.
I had forgot a Sisters Child that's sicke.
All.
A Pox it seemes your purity loues sweet things well
that puts in thrice together, had this beene all my cost now
I had beene beggerd, these Women haue no consciences at
sweet meats, where e're they come, see and they haue not
culd out all the long Plumbes too, they haue left nothing
here but short riggle-tayle-Comfits, not worth mouthing,
no mar'le I heard a Citizen complaine once, that his Wiues
Belly onely broke his Backe: Mine had beene all in fitters
seuen yeeres since, but for this worthy Knight, that with a
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Bucklers-berrie.
Wife.
Here Mr i s Yellowhammer, and Neighbours,
To you all that haue taken paines with me,
All the good Wiues at once.
Pur.
I'le answer for them,
They wish all health and strength,
And that you may couragiously goe forward,
To performe the like and many such,
Like a true Sister with Motherly bearing.
All.
Now the cups trole about to wet the gossips whistles
It poures downe I faith, they neuer thinke of payment.
Pur.
Fill againe Nurse.
All.
Now blesse thee, two at once, I'le stay no longer,
It would kill me and if I pay'd for't,
Will it please you to walke downe and leaue the women.
S. Walt.
With all my Heart Iacke.
All.
Troth I cannot blame you.
S. Walt.
Sit you all merry Ladyes.
All Goss.
Thanke your Worship Sir.
Pur.
Thanke your Worship Sir.
All.
A Pox twice tipple ye, you are last & lowest.
Exit
Pur.
Bring hither that same Cup Nurse, I would faine
driue away this hup Antichristian griefe.
3 Goss.
See Gossip and she lyes not in like a Countesse,
Would I had such a Husband for my Daughter.
4 Goss.
Is not she toward marriage?
3 Goss.
O no sweet Gossip.
4 Goss.
Why she's nineteene?
3 Goss.
I that she was last Lammas,
But she has a fault Gossip, a secret fault.
4 Goss.
A fault, what ist?
3 Goss.
I'le tell you when I haue drunke.
4 Goss.
Wine can doe that I see, that friendship cannot.
3 Goss.
And now I'le tell you Gossip, she's too free.
4 Goss.
To free?
3 Goss.
O I, she cannot lye dry in her Bed.
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What, and nineteene?
3 Goss.
'Tis as I tell you Gossip.
Maudl.
Speake with me Nurse, who ist?
Nurse.
A Gentleman from Cambridge,
I thinke it be your Sonne forsooth.
Maudl.
'Tis my Sonne Tim I faith,
Prethe call him vp among the Women,
'Twill imbolden him well,
For he wants nothing but audacitie,
'Would the Welch gentlewoman at home were here now.
Lady.
Is your Sonne come forsooth?
Maudl.
Yes from the Vniuersitie forsooth.
Lady.
'Tis great ioy on yee.
Maudl.
There's a great marriage towards for him.
Lady.
A marriage?
Maudl.
Yes sure, a hughe Heire in Wales,
At least to nineteene Mountaines,
Besides her Goods and Cattell.
Enter Tim.
Tim.
O, I'me betray'd.
Exit
Maud.
What gone againe, run after him good Nurse,
He's so bashfull, that's the spoyle of youth,
In the Vniuersitie they're kept still to Men,
And ne're trayn'd vp to Womens company.
Lady.
'Tis a great spoyle of youth indeed.
Enter Nurse and Tim.
Nurse.
Your Mother will haue it so.
Maudl.
Why Sonne, why Tim,
What must I rise and fetch you? For shame Sonne.
Tim.
Mother you doe intreat like a fresh Woman,
'Tis against the Lawes of the Vniuersitie,
For any that has answered vnder Batchelor
To thrust 'mongst married Wiues.
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Come we'le excuse you here.
Tim.
Call vp my Tutor Mother, and I care not.
Maudl.
What is your Tutor come, haue you brought
him vp?
Tim.
I ha' not brought him vp, he stands at dore,
Negatur, there's Logicke to begin with you Mother.
Maud.
Run call the gentleman nurse, he's my sons tutor
Here eat some Plumbes.
Tim.
Come I from Cambridge, and offer me six plumbs?
Maudl.
Why how now Tim,
Will not your old trickes yet be left?
Tim.
Seru'd like a Child,
When I haue answer'd vnder Batcheler?
Maudl.
You'le neuer lin till I make your Tutor whip
you, you know how I seru'd you once at the Free Schoole
in Pauls Church-yeard?
Tim.
O monstrous absurditie,
Ne're was the like in Cambridge since my time,
'Life whip a Batcheler, yow'ld be laught at soundly,
Let not my Tutor heare you,
'Twould be a Iest through the whole Vniuersitie,
No more words Mother.
Enter Tutor.
Maudl.
Is this your Tutor Tim?
Tut.
Yes surely Lady, I am the man that brought him
in League with Logicke, and red the Dunces to him.
Tim.
That did he Mother, but now I haue 'em all in my
owne Pate, and can as well read 'em to others.
Tut.
That can he Mistris, for they flow naturally from
him.
Maudl.
I'me the more beholding to your paynes Sir.
Tut.
Non ideo saue.
Maudl.
True, he was an Ideot indeed,
When he went out of London, but now he's well mended,
Did you receiue the two Goose-pies I sent you?
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And eat them hartely, thankes to your Worship.
Maudl.
'Tis my Sonne Tim, I pray bid him welcome
Gentlewomen.
Tim.
Tim, harke you Timothius Mother, Timothius.
Mandl.
How, shall I deny your Name? Timothius
quoth he? Faith there's a name, 'tis my Sonne Tim forsooth.
Lady.
You're welcome Mr Tim.
Kisse
Tim.
O this is horrible, she wets as she kisses,
Your Handkercher sweet Tutor, to wipe them off, as fast
as they come on.
2 Goss.
Welcome from Cambridge.
Kisse
Tim.
This is intollerable, This woman has a villanous
sweet breath, did she not stinke of Comfits, Helpe me
sweet Tutor, or I shall rub my Lips off.
Tut.
I'le goe kisse the lower end the whil'st.
Tim.
Perhaps that's the sweeter, and we shall dispatch
the sooner.
Pur.
Let me come next, Welcome from the Welspring
of discipline, that waters all the Brethren.
Reels & fals
Tim.
Hoyst I beseech thee.
3 Goss.
O blesse the Woman, Mr Vnderman.
Pur.
'Tis but the common affliction of the faithfull,
We must embrace our falles.
Tim.
I'me glad I scap't it, it was some rotten kisse sure,
It dropt downe before it came at me.
Enter Allwit, and Dauy.
All.
Here's a noyse, not parted yet?
Hyda, a Looking-glasse, they haue drunke so hard in Plate,
That some of them had need of other Vessels,
Yonder's the brauest Shew.
All Goss.
Where? Where Sir?
All.
Come along presently by the Pissing-conduit,
With two braue Drums and a Standert-bearer.
All Goss.
O Braue.
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Come Tutor.
Exit
All Goss.
Farwell sweet Gossip.
Exit
Wife.
I thanke you all for your paynes.
Pur.
Feed and grow strong.
Exit
All.
You had more need to sleepe then eat,
Goe take a nap with some of the Brethren, goe,
And rise vp a well edified, boldified Sister,
O here's a day of toyle well past o're,
Able to make a Citizen Hare mad,
How hot they haue made the Roome with their thicke Bums,
Do'st not feele it Dauy?
Dau.
Monstrous strong Sir.
All.
What's here vnder the Stooles?
Dau.
Nothing but wet Sir, some Wine spilt here belike.
All.
Ist no worse think'st thou?
Faire Needle worke Stooles, cost nothing with them Dauy
Dau.
Nor you neither I faith.
All.
Looke how they haue layd them,
Ee'ne as they lye themselues, with their Heeles vp,
How they haue shuffled vp the Rushes too Dauy
With their short figging little shittle-corke-heels,
These Women can let nothing stand as they find it,
But what's the secret thou'st about to tell me
My honest Dauy?
Dau.
If you should disclose it Sir.
All.
Life rip my Belly vp to the Throat then Dauy.
Dau.
My Master's vpon Marriage.
All.
Marriage Dauy, send me to hanging rather.
Dau.
I haue stong him.
All.
When, where, what is she Dauy?
Dau.
E'ne the same was Gossip, and gaue the Spoone.
All.
I haue no time to stay, nor scarce can speake,
I'le stop those wheeles, or all the worke will breake.
Exit
Dau.
I knew 'twold pricke, Thus doe I fashion still
All mine owne ends by him and his ranke toyle,
'Tis my desire to keepe him still from marriage,
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The better at his death, there my hopes build
Since my Lady Kixo is dry, and hath no Child.
Exit
Enter both the Tuchwoods.
T.I.
Y'are in the happiest way to enrich your selfe,
And pleasure me Brother, as Mans feet can tread in,
For though she be lock't vp, her vow is fix't onely to me,
Then time shall neuer grieue me, for by that vow,
E'ne absent inioy her, assuredly confirm'd that none
Else shall, which will make tedious yeeres seeme gamefull
To me, In the meane space lose you no time sweet brother,
You haue the meanes to strike at this Knights fortunes,
And lay him leuell with his bankrout merit,
Get but his Wife with Child, perch at tree top,
And shake the golden fruit into her Lap,
About it before she weepe her selfe to a dry ground,
And whine out all her goodnesse.
T.S.
Prethe cease, I find a too much aptness in my blood
For such a businesse without prouocation,
You might 'well spar'd this banket of Oringoes,
Harte chokes, Potatoes, and your butter'd Crabbe,
They were fitter kept for your owne wedding dinner.
T.I.
Nay and you'le follow my suit, & saue my purse too
Fortune doats on me, he's in happy case
Finds such an honest friend i'the Common place.
T.S.
Life what makes thee so merry? thou hast no cause
That I could heare of lately since thy crosses,
Vnlesse there be newes come, with new additions.
T.I.
Why there thou hast it right,
I looke for her this Euening Brother.
T.S.
How's that, looke for her?
T.I.
I will deliuer you of the wonder streight Brother,
By the firme secresie, and kind assistance
Of a good Wench i'the House, who made of pittie,
Weighing the case her owne, she's lead through Gutters,
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Or ha' the Heart to venture, I expect her
Where you would little thinke.
T.S.
I care not where, so she be safe, and yours.
T.I.
Hope telles me so,
But from your loue and time my peace must grow.
Exit
T.S.
You know the worst then brother, now to my Kix
The barren he and she, they're i'the next Roome,
But to say which of their two humors hold them
Now at this instant, I cannot say truly.
S. Ol.
Thou lyest Barrennesse.
Kix to his Lady within.
T.S.
O ist that time of day, giue you ioy of your tongue
There's nothing else good in you, this their life
The whole day from eyes open to eyes shut,
Kissing or scolding, and then must be made friends,
Then rayle the second part of the first fit out,
And then be pleas'd againe, no Man knowes which way,
Fall out like Giants, and fall in like Children,
Their Fruit can witnesse as much.
Enter Sir Oliuer Kix, and his Lady.
S. Ol.
'Tis thy fault.
Lady.
Mine, Drouth and coldnesse?
S. Ol.
Thine, 'tis thou art barren.
Lady.
I barren, o life that I durst but speake now,
In mine owne Iustice, in mine owne Right, I barren,
'Twas otherwayes with me when I was at Court,
I was ne're call'd so till I was married.
S. Ol.
I'le be deuorc't.
Lady.
Be hang'd, I need not wish it,
That will come too soone to thee:
I may say, Marriage and hanging goes by destiny,
For all the goodnesse I can find in't yet.
S. Ol.
I'le giue vp House, & keepe some fruitfull whore,
Like an old Batcheler in a Tradsmans Chamber,
She and her Children shall haue all.
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Where be they?
T.S.
Pray cease,
When there are friendlier courses tooke for you,
To get and multiply within your House,
At your owne proper costs in spight of censure,
Me thinkes an honest peace might be establish't.
S. Ol.
What with her? Neuer.
T.S.
Sweet Sir.
S. Ol.
You worke all in vaine.
Lady.
Then he doth all like thee.
T.S.
Let me intreat Sir.
S. Ol.
Singlenesse confound her,
I tooke her with one Smocke.
Lady.
But indeed you came not so single,
When you came from Shipboard.
S. Ol.
Heart she bit sore there,
Prethe make's friends.
T.S.
Ist come to that, the peale begins to cease.
S. Ol.
I'le sell all at an Out-cry.
Lady.
Doe thy worst Slaue,
Good sweet Sir bring vs into loue againe.
T.S.
Some would thinke this impossible to compasse,
Pray let this storme fly ouer.
S. Ol.
Good Sir pardon me, I'me Master of this House,
Which I'le sell presently, I'le clap vp Billes this Euening.
T.S.
Lady friends come?
Lady.
If e're ye lou'd Woman, talke not on't Sir,
what friends with him? good faith do you think I'me mad
with one that's scarce the hinder quarter of a Man?
S. Ol.
Thou art nothing of a Woman.
Lady.
Would I were lesse then nothing.
Weepes
S. Ol.
Nay prethe what do'st meane?
Lady.
I cannot please you.
S. Ol.
I faith thou art a good Soule, he lyes that sayes it,
Busse, busse, pretie Rogue.
Lady.
You care not for me.
T.S.
Can any man tell now which way they came in?
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S. Ol.
Is the Drinke come?
T.S.
Here's a little Viall of Almond-milke
Aside
That stood me in some three pence.
S. Ol.
I hope to see thee wench within these few yeeres,
Cirkled with Children, pranking vp a Girle,
And putting Iewels in their little Eares,
Fine sport I faith.
Lady.
I had you beene ought Husband,
It had beene done ere this time.
S. Ol.
Had I bin ought, hang thee, had'st thou bin ought,
But a crosse thing I euer found thee.
Lady.
Thou art a Grub to say so.
S. Ol.
A Pox on thee.
T.S.
By this light they are out againe at the same dore,
And no Man can tell which way,
Come here's your Drinke Sir.
S. Ol.
I will not take it now Sir,
And I were sure to get three Boyes ere Midnight.
Lady.
Why there thou shew'st now of what breed thou com'st
To hinder generation, O thou Villaine,
That knowes how crookedly the World goes with vs,
For want of Heires, yet put by all good fortune.
S. Ol.
Hang strumpet, I will take it now in spight.
T.S.
Then you must ride vpon't fiue houres.
S. Ol.
I meane so, Within there?
Enter a Seruant.
Seru.
Sir?
S. Ol.
Saddle the white Mare,
I'le take a Whore along, and ride to Ware.
Lady.
Ride to the Diuel.
S. Ol.
I'le plague you euerie way,
Looke ye, doe you see, 'tis gone.
Drinkes
Lady.
A Pox goe with it.
S. Ol.
I curse and spare not now.
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Stirre vp and downe sir, you must not stand.
S. Ol.
Nay I'me not giuen to standing.
T.S.
So much the better sir for the—
S. Ol.
I neuer could stand long in one place yet,
I learnt it of my Father, euer figient,
How if I crost this Sir?
Capers
T.S.
O passing good Sir; and would shew well a Horse-backe:
When you come to your Inne, If you leapt ouer
a ioynt-stoole or two, 'twere not amisse although you brake
your necke Sir.
Aside
S. Ol.
What say you to a Table thus high Sir?
T.S.
Nothing better Sir, if it be furnished with good
Victuals. You remember how the bargaine runs about this
businesse?
S. Ol.
Or else I had a bad Head: you must receiue Sir
foure hundred pounds of me at foure seuerall payments:
One hundred pound now in hand.
T.S.
Right, that I haue Sir.
S. Ol.
Another hundred when my Wifes is quicke: the
third when she's brought a bed: and the last hundred when
the Child cryes, For if it should be still borne, it doth no
good Sir.
T.S.
All this is euen still, a little faster Sir.
S. Ol.
Not a whit Sir,
I'me in an excellent pace for any Physicke,
Enter a Seruant.
Seru.
Your white Mares ready.
S. Ol.
I shall vp presently: One kisse, and farewell.
Lady.
Thou shalt haue two Loue.
S. Ol.
Expect me about three.
Exit
Lady.
With all my Heart Sweet.
T.S.
By this light they haue forgot their anger since,
And are as farre in againe as e're they were,
Which way the Diuell came they, Haart I saw 'em not,
Their wayes are beyond finding out. Come sweet Lady.
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How must I take mine Sir?
T.S.
Cleane contrarie, yours must be taken lying.
Lady.
A Bed Sir?
T.S.
A Bed, or where you will for your owne ease,
Your Coach will serue.
Lady.
The Physicke must needs please.
Exit.
| A Chast Mayd in Cheape-side | |