 | A Tale of a Tub |  |
Scene IX.
To them.Chanon Hugh, like Captaine Thumbs.
Hug.
Thus as a begger in a Kings disguise,
Or an old Crosse well sided with a May-pole.
Comes Chanon Hugh, accoutred as you see
Disguis'd Soldado like: marke his devise:
The Chanon, is that Captaine Thum's, was rob'd:
These bloody scars upon my face are wounds;
This scarfe upon mine arme shewes my late hurts.
And thus am I to gull the Constable.
Now have among you, for a man at armes:
Friends by your leave, which of you is one Turfe?
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Sir, I am Turfe, if you would speake with me.
Hug.
With thee Turfe, if thou beest High Constable.
Tur.
I am both Turfe, Sir, and High Constable.
Hug.
Then Turfe, or Scurfe, high, or low Constable:
Know, I was once a Captaine at Saint Quintins,
And passing crosse the wayes over the countrey,
This morning betwixt this and Hamsted-Heath,
Was by a crue of Clownes rob'd, bob'd, and hurt.
No sooner had I got my wounds bound up,
But with much paine, I went to the next Justice,
One Mr. Bramble here, at Maribone:
And here a warrant is, which he hath directed
For you one Turfe; if your name be Tobie Turfe;
Who have let fall (they say) the Huy, and Cry:
And you shall answer it afore the Justice.
Tur.
Heaven, and Hell, Dogges, Divels, what is this?
Neighbours, was ever Constable thus cross'd?
What shall we doe?
Med.
Faith, all goe hang our selves:
I know no other way to scape the Law.
Pup.
Newes, newes, O newes—
Tur.
What, hast thou found out Clay?
Pup.
No Sir, the newes is that I cannot find him.
Hug.
Why doe you dally, you damn'd russet coat,
You Peasant, nay you Clowne, you Constable;
See that you bring forth the suspected partie,
Or by mine honour (which I won in field)
Ile make you pay for it, afore the Justice.
Tur.
Fie, fie; O wife, I'am now in a fine pickle.
He that was most suspected is not found;
And which now makes me thinke, he did the deed,
He thus absents him, and dares not be seene.
Captaine, my innocence will plead for me.
Wife, I must goe, needs, whom the Divell drives:
Pray for me wife, and daughter; pray for me.
Hug.
Ile lead the way: Thus is the match put off,
And if my plot succeed, as I have laid it,
My Captaine-ship shall cost him many a crowne.
They goe out.
D. Tur.
So, wee have brought our egges to a faire Market.
Out on that villaine Clay: would he doe a robbery?
Ile nere trust smooth-fac'd Tile-man for his sake.
They goe out.
Awd.
Mother, the still Sow eates up all the draffe.
Pup.
Thus is my Master, Toby Turfe, the patterne
Of all the painefull a'ventures, now in print.
I never could hope better of this match:
This Bride-ale: For the night before to day,
(Which is within mans memory, I take it)
At the report of it, an Oxe did speake;
Who dy'd soone after: A Cow lost her Calfe:
The Belwether was flead for't: A fat Hog
Was sing'd, and wash'd, and shaven all over; to
Looke ugly 'gainst this day: The Ducks they quak'd;
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A Drake was seene to dance a headlesse round:
The Goose was cut i' the head, to heare it too:
Brave Chant-it-cleare, his noble heart was done;
His combe was cut: And two or three o' his wives,
Or fairest Concubines, had their necks broke,
Ere they would zee this day: To marke the verven
Heart of a beast, the very Pig, the Pig,
This very mornin, as hee was a rosting
Cry'd out his eyes, and made a show as hee would
Ha' bit in two the spit, as he would say;
There shall no rost-meat be this dismall day.
And zure, I thinke, If I had not got his tongue
Betweene my teeth, and eate it, he had spoke it.
Well, I will in, and cry too; never leave
Crying, untill our maids may drive a Buck
With my salt teares at the next washing day.
| A Tale of a Tub | |