University of Virginia Library

Scene I.

—The Imperial City of China.—The palace gates—an immense quantity of Heads on spikes on the walls. Citizens, Mandarins, &c., grouped on the Stage. A man with two posters on boards, hung round his neck, worded thus: “Lost! The Princess's Wits. Any medical gentleman restoring the same will be handsomely rewarded.”
CHORUS OF CITIZENS.
(“Les Huguenots.”)
Did you ever!
See such a sad exhibition?
Doctors, clever!
Brought to so sad a condition?
No, I never!
This is what comes of ambition,
Rash endeavour!
To play for such high stakes.

[After Chorus they all disperse.
Enter Japan, R., and Dimpl Tshin, from Palace, L.
Jap.
The very girl I want. Good morning, dear!
A pleasant morning for the time of year.
What news?

Dim.
The Daily News, you may be sure.
Each day, to work the mad Princess's cure,
Lur'd by the Emperor's promise of her hand,
Fresh Doctors throng from ev'ry foreign land.
Who cures may wed her; but of those who fail,
[Pointing to heads on wall.
Those dismal heads can tell the dismal tale;
And ev'ry day up there fresh trophies puts
“Heads of the People,” done on steel, with cuts.

Jap.
Still, spite of all, Badoura's cure I'll try,
I've studied medicine upon the sly,
And, after months of labour, I've compounded
[Takes out a box.
This patent pill, of power quite unbounded.
Its qualities are soothing, safe, and mild,
And may be taken by the youngest child;
Sold, wholesale, retail, and for exportation,
By ev'ry medicine vendor in the nation.
One shilling and three half-pence, duty free;
And none are genuine, unless signed by me.

Dim.
But please be quick, sir, for they've rung for me
To carry Missus up a cup of tea.

Jap.
Egad! that tea suits me to one! look here,
Just pop these in your lady's cup, my dear.

[Gives her pills.
Dim.
I will.

Jap.
And secretly?

Dim.
Depend upon it.

Jap.
A fi'-pun note, mind, and a new chip bonnet.

Dim.
Yes, I must go; though folks won't think it prudent,
Seeing me talking to a medical student.

[Exeunt into Palace.
Maimoune rises through trap, with a letter in her hand.
Mai.
Our Fairy Telegraphic Company,
Too highly spoken of can scarcely be.
But for the prompt receipt of this dispatch,
I might have met with very near my match.
That horrid Djinn, it seems, has form'd a plan
To drag my poor dear Camaralzaman
To matrimony—the ill-natured limb!
What has the dear boy ever done to him?
So, here he comes; but I'm distress'd to see
Him keeping such disgraceful company.
Now then, a sight at how things go to take,
Doubly invisible myself I'll make;
The Djinn himself shall not have power to view me,
I'm too deep for him, though he may see through me.

Enter Camaralzaman, R., with Danasch as his servant, carrying a carpet-bag.
Dan.
In pantomimic language, here we are!
There's the abode of your beloved's Papa.

Cam.
Upon my word, a pretty exhibition
Of “Stuck-up People”—an improv'd edition.

[Looking at the heads.
Dan.
Yes, it's a sight for charitable souls
Who like to sympathize with Distress'd Polls.

Cam.
But, I say, this is very kind of you,
So unexpected, from a stranger, too.

Dan.
(modestly.)
Don't mention it.

Cam.
Oh! I'll not be prevented,
You Geni have been much misrepresented.
Folks upon you all sorts of scandal fling,
You're look'd upon, in fact, as not the thing.
I'm sure the int'rest that you've shown in me—
Bringing me here by magic—carriage free—
In fact, the kindness you've evinc'd throughout,
Proves you a decent sort, beyond all doubt.

Dan.
(aside.)
Green youth! he thinks I'm doing him a kindness,
When to a wife I'm leading him! what blindness!
Why, of your woful case I chanc'd to learn,
And, being of a philanthropic turn,
I thought I'd just assist you, for a lark;
But as to what I am, mind, keep it dark.
I'm your attendant now.

Cam.
Of course, I know;
Though, really, I'm ashamed to serve you so.

Mai.
(aside.)
That of politeness is a needless stretch;
No place can be too low for such a wretch.

Cam.
And shall I really see my soul's delight—
The thief who came and stole my heart by night,
And whom, in spite of all my hue and cry,
And offers of reward, immensely high,
I've not been fortunate enough to capture?
To think these arms should take her up, oh! rapture.
Knock at the door, old boy, I long to win her.

[Danasch knocks at the gate. Porter appears.
Dan.
Emperor in?

Por.
He is; but he's at dinner.

Dan.
Then bolt! and bid his highness do the same
Towards his meal; our presence here proclaim.
As for his mutton, bid him cut it short.
[Exit Porter.
You're not afraid?

Cam.
I! nothing of the sort.
Through scenes of danger long I've loved to stray:
I've walked through Smithfield on a market day;
I've sailed in penny steamers many a one;
I've stood behind a cockney sportsman's gun;
I've been a special. Fear, indeed! Pooh! pooh!
Besides, I've every confidence in you.

Enter Emperor, angrily, with a napkin under his chin, followed by Mandarins, Guards, Usher, &c.
Emp.
Who dares to stir us up at feeding-time?
Are these the miscreants guilty of the crime?

Dan.
Illustrious sire! for dinner do not fret!
Remember what the Scotch say, “Dinna forget.”
Business is business. Cease that angry shrug,
And please to calm your antique China mug.
[Takes out a newspaper.
That's your advertisement, I think?

Emp.
'Tis so.

Dan.
We've come to answer it.

Emp.
You have! Ho! ho!
And p'r'aps you really think to win the prize of it.

Dan.
To use a strong expression, that's the size of it.
Whate'er your daughter's state, my master'll save her.

Emp.
What! that particularly youthful shaver,
Whose first shave, there is every cause to dread,
Will prove to be the shaving of his head?

Cam.
I fear no axe nor ax-idental death,
No headsman's blow shall knock me out of breath,
Fetch the Princess, and, quick as presto pass,
I'll work her cure; or, write me down an ass.

Emp.
Writing folks down is not at all our line,
Although at showing people up we shine.
[Pointing to the heads.
Conduct the Princess hither.

Cam.
Now, you'll see,
The Prince-in-law of China soon I'll be.

[Looking off.
Mai.
(aside.)
Not if I know it. I have form'd some plans,
Which will do nicely to forbid the banns.

Cam.
She comes! that form! that face I cannot see,
Because it's veiled! but, ah! I know 'tis she.

Enter Badoura, veiled, Dimpl, and two Attendants.
Bad.
Throw physic to the dogs! I've had enough
Of doctors' nonsense, and of doctors' stuff.
No surgeons, 'pothecaries, or M.D.s,
Are fit to minister to a mind's disease.
Show me no more, unless you've found a man
Who cures upon the homœopathic plan—
Whose course of treatment, 'stead of draught or pill,
Should be to show me him who made me ill.

Cam.
That course is mine.

Bad.
Who speaks?

Cam.
Don't look just yet;
Let me recall a scene you can't forget.

DUET.
Tune—“Judy Callaghan.”
Cam.
'Twas on a moonlight night,
At three o'clock in the morning,
A fair princess, as bright
As rays of daylight dawning,
To Camaralzaman's room
Was brought by means mysterious,
Set his heart in a fume,
And made him with love delirious.
Only say,
Have some peace he shall again,
Say, yes, pray,
To the tune of Judy Callaghan.

Bad.
I thought I was dreaming then,
I'm dreaming now, I vow, again;
But, no, as a pike-staff plain,
I see his sweet face now again.
I've been uncommonly ill!
But now I shall soon recover.
Accept you, at once, I will,
To be my devoted lover.

Cam.
I must say,
Such luck not oft befals a man.

Bad.
Don't abuse it, pray,
Charming Camaralzaman.

[They embrace most affectionately.
Cam.
My life! my soul! my love! at last I've met her!

Emp.
I think Badoura seems a great deal better.

Bad.
(still embracing Camaralzaman.)
My life! my love! my soul! at last we meet.

Emp.
We do pronounce the cure to be complete.
Rejoice, ye curs! exert your lungs and breath;
We bid you all be glad, on pain of death.
[Mandarins shout.
Prepare festivities—look sharp, ye scamps!
Light up at least six thousand extra lamps,
Get every sort of delicacy dressed,
The pickled puppy, and the stew'd bird's-nest.
Let all our land one scene of gladness be—
The feast of lanterns, and the flow of tea.

[Guards exeunt; Mandarins bustle about, L.
Enter Japan.
Jap.
Who says Badoura's cured?

Emp.
Her royal father.
And his assertions are conclusive, rather;

Jap.
Then do I claim her hand.

Dan.
Excuse me, pray!
But will you just be good enough to say,
Whether you'd like to have it now, or let it
Stand over till such time as you can get it?

Emp.
(To Danasch.)
Young man, a footman ought to keep his place;
Don't be presuming. Now, we'll hear your case.

Jap.
Son of the sun, and offspring of the sky,
If any one have cured your child, 'tis I!

[All express astonishment.
Emp.
You!

Jap.
Yes. This morning, I, to try my skill,
Popp'd in her tea a potent patent pill!

Dan.
He thinks your majesty a precious flat;
A pill! you never mean to swallow that?

Emp.
Too forward, flunkey! less presumption use,
We'll swallow just exactly what we choose;
To show that our opinion won't be guided,
We do pronounce the matter undecided,
Whether our daughter to the strange young man
Owes her recovery, or to Japan.
Come here, our sons-in-law that wish to be,
Toss up for her at once—two out of three.
[Camaralzaman and Japan take coin from their pockets immediately, and toss them up, catching them, and covering them with their hands.—The Emperor stops them.
Or stay, don't toss; our justice never sleeps;
And, as we've set our face 'gainst Derby sweeps,
To suffer gambling in our court's not right,
Instead of tossing, then, suppose you fight;
[Camaralzaman and Japan draw their swords, and strike fighting attitudes.—The Emperor stops them again.
Or stay, don't fight; put up your sword, young person,
(To Camaralzaman.)
We've changed our mind.

Mai.
(aside.)
You couldn't for a worse 'un.

[They sheathe their swords.
Emp.
A good idea has in our brain to dwell come!

Mai.
(aside.)
Then, as a stranger, p'r'aps you'll give it welcome.

Emp.
Instead of vulgar toss or angry blow,
We'll have this matter settled by the bow.

Jap.
Beau! that means me—

Cam.
Not so, my rival spruce,
Who'd think of saying “bo” to such a goose?

Emp.
Silence! you two, for our fair child competing,
Shall shoot for her; we'll call an archery meeting.
If anybody feels inclined to say
Our plan is not first-rate in ev'ry way,
Sublime, ingenious, just, and wise supremely,
To catch him at it, we should like extremely;

Bad.
This is, indeed, one's dignity abridgin'
Have your child shot for like a Red-House pigeon.

[Crosses to R.
Mai.
Then I've a plan; my arts shall discompose
The rival arrows of these rival beaux.

[Exit, L.
Cam.
This is a swindle!

[Crosses to Badoura.
Emp.
Ha! I cannot suffer—

Dan.
(interrupting him.)
Now, don't be angry, there's a worthy buffer;
He is but young, wants self-control, you see,
He'd ne'er be out of trouble but for me,
To whose care, by his fond and doating mammy,
He was confided. Would you, Master Cammy?
[Winks at Camaralzaman.
You didn't mean the Emp'ror to annoy?
[Aside.
Don't be afraid, I'll make all right, my boy.

Cam.
(aside.)
I understand; my liege, I beg your pardon.

Emp.
Well, for this once, your fault we won't be hard on;
What, ho! to all the sporting papers send,
And let them know that we this match intend
To come off soon. The bow—the bow's the thing
By which this matter to a close I'll bring.

CONCERTED.
Tune—“A famous Man was Robin Hood.”
Emp.
Oh! a famous man was Robin Hood,
And, as an archer, made a noise;
And I think, if I were you, I should
Just try a leaf to borrow from his book, my boys.

Cam.
For aught that he can do, who cares?

Jap.
I've skill, and tidy strength of arm.

Dan.
(aside to Camaralzaman.)
We'll do his business unawares,
I'll take good care you're kept from harm.

Chorus.
A famous man was Robin Hood, &c.

[Exeunt.