University of Virginia Library

ACT II.

SCENE I.

—A Gaming House, the Dragon, as croupier, Almidor and others playing.
Chorus.
AIR AND CHORUS.
Come boys, make your game, be steady,
Faint heart ne'er won lady fair,
Seven's the main, down with the ready,
He's/I've thrown sixes I declare.
Whilst the dice he's/I'm shaking,
See what cash doth yet remain,
What's the use of quaking,
Here the ivories go again.

Alm.
I've lost again, what can the reason be?

Dra.
Now, make your game.

[Dragon pulls in money.
Alm.
You're making game of me,

Dra.
Let's change the game—that table there be nimble.

[A table and cups brought in.
Alm.
What's that?

Dra.
Why that's a rather large sized thimble
This game's exceeding fair, as you will see,
Under this here (a cup)
, young man, I put the pea,
Now 'tis your turn the Dragon's purse to plunder
If you know which of these the pea is under.
You need but use your eyes—now, one, two, three,
Under which thimble have I got the pea?

Alm.
(aside)
Enter St. George R.
Well, he's very verdant I declare,
I twig'd the pea (aloud)
. Now paws off—it is there.

[Points to one.
Dra.
Well, if I lose, I lose—now let us see.
[Raises cup.
It isn't there.

Bystander.
Of course not, here's the pea.

[Raises another cup and shows it.
St. Geo.
Just as I thought, the Dragon's hooked Morocco.
He'll very soon discover what's o'clock O.

Alm.
I've lost again; these peas are wondrous skippers—
I'll try once more, so there's my Sunday slippers.
[Places slippers.
I must win once.

Dra.
(shuffling cups about)
Should you those slippers lose?

Alm.
Oh! that will be another pair of shoes.

St. Geo.
Well, so you've lost?

Alm.
Oh lord! he's such a dab.
Lend me a shilling, will you, for a cab?

St. Geo.
With pleasure (gives money)
there.

Dra.
(comes down)
Of course you'll go and brag on
The clever way in which you've done the dragon.

[Laughs loudly.
Alm.
My goodness gracious, there's a frightful laugh,
I find old dragons won't be caught with chaff.

[Retires up, as he is going, gamblers shake dice box, he hesitates, and then sneaks up to the table and appears to play.
Dra.
(to St. George.)
Will you sir, take a turn?

Bystander.
Of course he will.

St. Geo.
I've not a bob about me but a bill.

Dra.
Oh! that'll do for me.

St. Geo.
I think your right,
It only passed the House of Lords last night.

Dra.
(opens large bill given to him by St. George.)

Dra.
What's this, qui tam, oh la! that bill will floor us.

St. Geo.
What ho! police, come in and join the chorus.

CHORUS.
Air—“Bartlemy Fair.”
Come toddle, brother prig,
Here's an end to thimble rig,
If we stop, I'm thinking really
We shall visit the Old Bailey,
For the act says very plain
We shall never play again.
Hark! the row has began—beware oh!
There they are
On the stair,
Exit, you,
Up the flue;
You get out
Down the spout,
Done I am
By qui tam.

[Enter policeman to Dragon, ditto to Almidor; Dragon floors policeman, Almidor floors policeman.

Hi down! go down!

Both.
I'm off for there's no time to spare oh!

SCENE II.

—A street in Memphis.—Enter St. George and Sabra, the latter disguised as an Arab.
St. Geo.
On such devotion I had never reckon'd,
You from the first have tried my views to second.

Sab.
The task we have in hand, don't let us flag on;
I'd walk a mile, to see you thrash that dragon,
Nay, I believe, barefooted I could stump it,

St. Geo.
You are a trump, and therefore take this trumpet:
[gives a tin trumpet.
These evening papers, (gives some)
blow the horn and cry them;
Inviting every one to come and buy them.
This is the way the sort of thing is done
(crying)
See-cond edition here! the Memphis Sun,
Wondrous intelligence! for here you have in it
The sudden resignation of the Cabinet.

Sab.
The Cabinet resigned!

St. Geo.
No, that's mere vapour!
You must say something, just to sell the paper.
Go stand before the Dragon's own abode,

Sab.
And for the trumpet—

St. Geo.
That love must be blow'd.

[Sabra takes horn and cries.
Sab.
The Memphis Evening Sun; see-cond Edition!
Ministers in a very bad condition.

[runs off like news-boy.
St. Geo.
(with paper)
I've had a paragraph inserted here,
To say the Treasury is rather queer,
I know the Dragon's disposition well,
All his Exchequer Bills at once he'll sell;
Having releived the state, we'll give the nation
The benefit of a reduced taxation—
The Income Tax can't be abandon'd yet,
But cheaper glass and whalebone they shall get;
When that is done, 'tis probable that you
My blackamoor, will look a little blue.

SONG.
Air.—“Happy Tawny Moor.”
Haughty Black-'a-moor,
Tho' you love,
Spite of snubbing,
My own true love,
Won't I spoil your plan,
You blacky man;—
For your tinkle, tinkle,
She don't care a periwinkle.
Tink a tink, &c.

SCENE III.

—Interior of the Dragon's Loan Office.— Dragon discovered seated writing.
Dra.
This is the system which my coffer fills
I lend my money on Exchequer bills;

Enter Almidor, R. C.
Alm.
As down the street just now my carriage went
I saw three balls and these words—“money lent.”
Being hard up I'm not ashamed to own
I've an occasion for a trifling loan.

Dra.
Allow me, sir, to offer a prospectus,
[offers paper.
I'm chairman of the body of directors.

Alm.
(taking it and reading.)
Lets see—“First a deposit must be paid,
“When that is done inquiries will be made,
“As the society can't trust to chance
“They must have all the interest in advance,
“If the security turns out a bubble
“The company keeps the money for the trouble.”
I, only wish the company may get it.
If that's the sort of loan, alone I'll let it.
I want a little money.

Dra.
On your coat?

Alm.
What! no—upon my promissary note.

Dra.
To be accommodating I incline,
My terms, sir, are half money and half wine,
Sherry at 54—its fine, sir, very.

Alm.
The price at once proclaims it golden sherry.

Dra.
And then such crusted port—what ho! within,
(calls off)
Bring Day and Martin's port—you know the bin.

Enter Dragonnitty with bottle.
Alm.
(holds up bottle)
In quarts or pints?

Dra,
Those for quarts, sir, pass.

Alm.
Its time they took the duty off the glass.

Dra.
Multum in parvo, sir, I'm sure 'twill please;
Look at the beeswing.

Alm.
Where do you keep your bees?
[Dragonnitty takes bottle.
To put the wing into the wine is funny;
But here's my bill, and now then where's the money?

Dra.
The bill is eighty pounds, and there sir's twenty.

Alm.
What, only twenty!

Dra.
That for your bill's plenty.

Alm.
[Drinks and spatters.
I'll never swallow stuff like that don't think it.

Dra.
You've bought it, but you're not compelled to drink it.

Alm.
That's true!—There's justice in his observations,
'Twill do to give away to poor relations.
[Exit Almidor.

SONG.—Dragon.
Air—“Jolly Nose.”
Folly knows that as long as he has any tip
He may come to my house and make merry,
And whilst in his pockets my finger I dip,
I'm remarkably kind to him—very.
Folly knows! He who sees the dice box through a glass,
Thinks gaming's the height of perfection,
And then to clean out an intemperate ass,
I have never the slightest objection!
Folly knows! &c.

[Horn without.
Dra.
That horn my calculation will distract,
(calls off)
Are you aware that that's against the act?
[horn again.
Policeman, you can interfere you know;
Because you have been witness to a blow

Sab.
(passing door)
Great news! great news! the Memphis
Evening Sun,
See-cond Edition!

Dra.
Ho there! give me one.
[takes paper and comes down.
What's this? a rumour we've no cause to doubt
The ministers are shortly going out:
Are they indeed! then precious ninnies they,
Now that they're in, I think 'twere best to stay.
[reading.
Hollo! what's this I read—“important fact!”—
The nation take the benefit of the act!
Exchequer bills! oh! could I upon this count,
Gone down to twenty—zounds! that's 80 discount:
Oh! I shall faint, my heart with grief grows big,
I'd tear my hair, but that I wear a wig.

Enter St. George, C.
Dra.
(aside)
Who's this? the very youth who if I right am,
Destroyed my gambling gambols by a qui tam.

St. Geo.
Is this the office? yes, I'm pretty sure it is,
[Seeing Dragon.
Oh! I beg pardon; do you buy securities?

Dra.
Why that depends on what they are young man,
I'm willing to do business if I can;
For any thing I'll give a price that's fair,
From an old coat up to a Railway share!

St. Geo.
I've coal shares, sir, in the Talacre concern,
Such coals—you'll find, they're reg'lar bricks to burn.

Dra.
I've no objection, sir, to take your scrip,
But just at present I'm devoid of tip;
This very morning, sir, 'twas quite on speck,
I drew a four pun' nineteen shilling check.

St. Geo.
I'll take your bill,

Dra.
I thank you all the same,
But to a bill I never put my name.

St. Geo.
Excuse me, sir, as no offence I mean it,
Your name's to many a bill, I've often seen it;

Dra.
I understand the sort of bill you saw,
I meant I don't accept—

St. Geo.
No, but you draw;

Dra.
You're so polite, no more my prudence lingers,
I'll buy your coals tho' I should burn my fingers.

St. Geo.
Oh! that with Talacre you could not do,

Dra.
(takes out pocket book)
Will these Exchequer bills; sir, do for you?

St. Geo.
With pleasure, sir, I take them.

Dra.
(aside)
Ha! he's done!
I'll palm them off upon him every one.

St. Geo.
Behold the shares! (gives them)
— (aside)
he has them, what a victim!

Dra.
There are the bills, (aside)
ha! ha! at last I've nick'd him.

DUETT.
St. George and the Dragon.
St Geo.
Done again! for he'll see that there they quote,
That Talacre's not valued at a one pound note;
His Exchequer bills I have in the pocket of my coat,
And Talacre's not valued at a one pound note.

Dra.
Done him brown, for I see that here they quote,
That Exchequer bills aint valued at a one pound note,
His Talacre's I've got in the pocket of my coat,
And Exchequer bills are valued at a one pound note.
[Exit Dragon.

SCENE IV.

—The Street in Memphis.
Enter St. George and Sabra.
St. Geo.
Sabra, where's my rival, have you seen him?

Sab.
What rival? not Almidor, you can't mean him!

St. Geo.
Yes, yes, Almidor—

Sab.
He will ne'er be mine,
He's very ill—he drank the Dragon's wine.

St. Geo.
The Dragon's wine! it's quality I know,
His port's a poison, very sure and slow;
But let us hence, one triumph more I need,
And that achieved, the Dragon's done indeed.

DUET.—Sabra and St. George.
Air.—Cellarius Waltz.
And now its time I think to own, my dear,
If you'll/That I'll become bone of my/thy bone, my dear.
Your/My dad will not refuse, I hope, my dear.
For if he does, we must elope my dear.
'Tis but to get
A landaulet,
And then for Gret-
Na-Green, my dear.

SCENE V.

—Dragon's College of health.
SOLO. AND CORO.
(Dragon and Crowd discovered.)
Dra.
O these won'drous pills I swear, sirs,
Can ev'n broken legs repair, sirs,
And the price but thirteen pence,
Plain directions you will find
For the deaf, dumb, lame and blind.
If you'd be cured at once of all your ills,
You'd better try my wonderful life pills;
No malady resists their monstrous power,
Corns and consumptions cured in half-an-hour.
I'm not a common general practitioner,
But an M.D., which means first-rate physicianer.
This vegetable pill will make you stare,
[gives one to a figure.
To carrots it has turned a head of hair.
This patent life pill of old Parr doth savour,
[gives one to figure.
See what a beard it gives to that young shaver;
A single box invests the barest lip
With sleek moustachios, (takes money)
thank you for the tip;
You'll find directions how to take them right—
A dozen in the morning, noon, and night.
[Crowd exeunt.
My patients of my treatment ne'er complain,
Once dosed by me, they never come again.

Enter Almidor (very ill) supported by St. George and Sabra.
St. Geo.
We're all anxiety to tax your skill,
This gentleman is seriously ill;

Dra.
Allow me first to look into his face,
It does appear a very serious case;
You'd better, sir, explain your symptoms fully,

Alm.
I think I've got the grubs they call the mulli;

Dra.
Take twenty, number two

Alm.
I mean no pun,
But I've too much regard for number one.
I've something preying on my conscience,

Dra.
True;
The bill I took of you will soon be due.

Alm.
You've hit the mark—oh, I'm an awful scamp,
I gave it you, on an improper stamp,

Dra.
On a wrong stamp! then it's not worth a rap,

Alm.
You know its value to a T, old chap.

Dra.
You stagger me! Oh, if your words, sir, true are,
Tell me what's to be done?

St. G.
I think that you are.

Alm.
But I some recompense have made you still,
I'm dying, and you're mentioned in my will,
I've left you, when my debts are paid, to be
My sole residuary legatee,
[Aside to St. George,
That's when my debts are paid, but I'll be bound
I'm not worth more than sixpence in the pound.

Dra.
What have you got to leave! This is a shock oh!

Alm.
I've left you all the kingdom of Morocco.

Dra.
Morocco! By the French 'twas taken,

Alm.
No!

Dra.
They talked of it—

Alm.
They didn't do it though!

St. G.
For introducing him you'll not object
To stand a present.

Dra.
What do you expect?

St. G.
(aside to Dragon.)
To half the kingdom I must lay a claim,

Dra.
Wont my acceptance come to just the same.

St. G.
Though to accommodation I incline,
I fear that your acceptance ain't worth mine;
But to be brief I'll tell you what to do,
Just give me Privy Purse's I. O. U.

Dra.
Well, well, I wont be hard! I'll do what's fair.

St. G.
(holding out his hand.)
The I. O. U. (Dragon gives it)
Now I, and U, are square.

Alm.
(aside to St. George).
Out of the Dragon's hands you've got my bill.

St. G.
(aside to Almidor.)
I've all I want—now ask him for a pill.

Alm.
I'ts very strange how fancy will control us,
I've taken quite a longing to a bolus,
I've an idea that it may do me good.

Dra.
(aside)
I'd never let you have one if it could.
Of its effects I'm tolerably sure
If it don't kill, I know it cannot cure,

(giving one).
Alm.
(having taken the pills gradually gets better).
What a delicious tonic! I can feel
From top to toe I am upon the heal.
The freedom of my breathing's getting greater,
I do not seem to need a respirator.

Dra.
He seems recovering! am I awake?
You can't be better, sir, there's some mistake.

Alm.
(Laughing)
There's no mistake at all, I'm getting well.
This is what is technically called “a sell!”

Dra.
But never mind, you're in my power still;
You noted scamp, I've got your noted bill!

Alm.
My bill! then I've been done, and so have you,
As the French say, a do de tout les deux.

St. Geo.
(laughing)
You've both been victimised as you deserve.

Alm.
(to Dragon)
I say, my friend, let's shew a little nerve—
We'll, for the trick he's played us, both requite him
I'll challenge him at once, and you shall fight him

Dra.
'Tis you that all the quarrel is about,
And yet you're leaving me to fight it out.

Alm.
But you are safe, vainly a sword assails
One who's so very weighty in his scales.

Dra.
Well, I don't mind, he's treated me and you ill,
And so I call him out to fight a duel!

St. Geo.
If his own weapons each of us may choose
I'll fight.
[Exit St. George.

Dra.
That's a request, I can't refuse.
So I must fight—last night e'en as I slumbered
I dreamt my days like the police were numbered;
For what I know my minutes may be reckoned.

Alm.
Talking of minutes, I'll be your second.

DUETT.
“Mighty Jove.”
Dra.
O by Jove! in half an hour
You shall see who is the best—
O give my elbow double pow'r,
And his jacket shall be drest.

Alm.
He's too bumptious, Mister Dragon,
You must win so don't lose heart,
Have not you six feet to brag on,
Never fear I'll take your part.

Both.
Faith, I think I'm/my boy, you're made for milling.
Bravo, bravo, strong and willing &c., &c.

SCENE VI.

—View of somebody's Sarcophagus—March.—Enter Ptolomy, Sabra, and Court followed by Dragon, Almidor, &c.
Pto.
A duel say you then ourself will see
Which of the two cock o'the walk shall be.

Flourish. Enter St. George.
Pto.
How's this! unarmed—where is your spear and shield?

St. Geo.
To moral power, great king, my foe must yield,
[Produces wand.
Old Kabby's wand shall aid me in this mess,
So presto, change.

[Strikes tomb it changes to a steam press.
Pto.
Why what is that?

St. Geo.
The Press.
'Tis irresistible in its attack
On everything that bears the name of quack.

Pto.
Now, take your ground?

Alm.
(to Dragon.)
I say, old boy, beware!
It seems a most remarkable affair.

St. Geo.
(placing the Dragon who trembles.)
Humbugs and rogues at least, 'twill serve to show up,
And he's a proper subject for a blow up.

[Loud explosion—press sinks—Dragon falls as the Spirit of Truth appears. Ptolomy drops into the arms of attendants.
Pto.
Off with the Dragon's head, its proper place
Is the Museum, under a glass case.

St. Geo.
If as a curiosity they take it
To the Museum, somebody may break it.

[They cut off the Dragon's head, place it on a spear and carry it off.
St. Geo.
To Truth, great King, the victory is due,
Take back your privy purse, I O U.
Thus the Exchequer Bills I do restore.

Pto.
The bills and I O U! pray say no more,
I give to you at once my lovely daughter.
(To audience)
There'll be a splendid surplus on the quarter,
Knights, whate'er you've done, 'tis very clear
St. George alone has been triumphant here.

[St. George stands with one foot on the Dragon,
FINALE.
St. George, Almidor, and Chorus,
Dragon's head, through trap.