The Bab Ballads With which are included Songs of a Savoyard: By W. S. Gilbert: With 350 illustrations by the author |
THE RIVAL CURATES |
The Bab Ballads | ||
8
THE RIVAL CURATES
List while the poet trolls
Of Mr. Clayton Hooper,
Who had a cure of souls
At Spiffton-extra-Sooper.
Of Mr. Clayton Hooper,
Who had a cure of souls
At Spiffton-extra-Sooper.
He lived on curds and whey,
And daily sang their praises,
And then he'd go and play
With buttercups and daisies.
And daily sang their praises,
And then he'd go and play
With buttercups and daisies.
Wild crôquet Hooper banned,
And all the sports of Mammon,
He warred with cribbage, and
He exorcised backgammon.
And all the sports of Mammon,
He warred with cribbage, and
He exorcised backgammon.
His helmet was a glance
That spoke of holy gladness;
A saintly smile his lance,
His shield a tear of sadness.
That spoke of holy gladness;
A saintly smile his lance,
His shield a tear of sadness.
9
His Vicar smiled to see
This armour on him buckled
With pardonable glee
He blessed himself and chuckled:
This armour on him buckled
With pardonable glee
He blessed himself and chuckled:
“In mildness to abound
My curate's sole design is,
In all the country round
There's none so mild as mine is!”
My curate's sole design is,
In all the country round
There's none so mild as mine is!”
And Hooper, disinclined
His trumpet to be blowing,
Yet didn't think you'd find
A milder curate going.
His trumpet to be blowing,
Yet didn't think you'd find
A milder curate going.
A friend arrived one day
At Spiffton-extra-Sooper,
And in this shameful way
He spoke to Mr. Hooper:
At Spiffton-extra-Sooper,
And in this shameful way
He spoke to Mr. Hooper:
“You think your famous name
For mildness can't be shaken,
That none can blot your fame—
But, Hooper, you're mistaken!
For mildness can't be shaken,
That none can blot your fame—
But, Hooper, you're mistaken!
“Your mind is not as blank
As that of Hopley Porter
Who holds a curate's rank
At Assesmilk-cum-Worter.
As that of Hopley Porter
Who holds a curate's rank
At Assesmilk-cum-Worter.
“He plays the airy flute,
And looks depressed and blighted,
Doves round about him ‘toot,’
And lambkins dance delighted.
And looks depressed and blighted,
Doves round about him ‘toot,’
And lambkins dance delighted.
10
“He labours more than you
At worsted work, and frames it;
In old maids' albums, too,
Sticks seaweed—yes, and names it!
At worsted work, and frames it;
In old maids' albums, too,
Sticks seaweed—yes, and names it!
The tempter said his say,
Which pierced him like a needle—
He summoned straight away
His sexton and his beadle.
Which pierced him like a needle—
He summoned straight away
His sexton and his beadle.
These men were men who could
Hold liberal opinions:
On Sundays they were good—
On week-days they were minions.
Hold liberal opinions:
On Sundays they were good—
On week-days they were minions.
“To Hopley Porter go,
Your fare I will afford you—
Deal him a deadly blow,
And blessings shall reward you
Your fare I will afford you—
Deal him a deadly blow,
And blessings shall reward you
11
“But stay—I do not like
Undue assassination,
And so, before you strike,
Make this communication:
Undue assassination,
And so, before you strike,
Make this communication:
“I'll give him this one chance—
If he'll more gaily bear him,
Play crôquet, smoke, and dance,
I willingly will spare him.”
If he'll more gaily bear him,
Play crôquet, smoke, and dance,
I willingly will spare him.”
They went, those minions true,
To Assesmilk-cum-Worter,
And told their errand to
The Reverend Hopley Porter.
To Assesmilk-cum-Worter,
And told their errand to
The Reverend Hopley Porter.
“What?” said that reverend gent,
“Dance through my hours of leisure?
Smoke?—bathe myself with scent?—
Play crôquet? Oh, with pleasure!
“Dance through my hours of leisure?
Smoke?—bathe myself with scent?—
Play crôquet? Oh, with pleasure!
12
“Wear all my hair in curl?
Stand at my door, and wink—so—
At every passing girl?
My brothers, I should think so!
Stand at my door, and wink—so—
At every passing girl?
My brothers, I should think so!
“For years I've longed for some
Excuse for this revulsion:
Now that excuse has come—
I do it on compulsion!!!”
Excuse for this revulsion:
Now that excuse has come—
I do it on compulsion!!!”
He smoked and winked away—
This Reverend Hopley Porter—
The deuce there was to pay
At Assesmilk-cum-Worter.
This Reverend Hopley Porter—
The deuce there was to pay
At Assesmilk-cum-Worter.
And Hooper holds his ground,
In mildness daily growing—
They think him, all around,
The mildest curate going.
In mildness daily growing—
They think him, all around,
The mildest curate going.
The Bab Ballads | ||