The Bab Ballads With which are included Songs of a Savoyard: By W. S. Gilbert: With 350 illustrations by the author |
THE PERILS OF INVISIBILITY |
The Bab Ballads | ||
413
THE PERILS OF INVISIBILITY
Old Peter led a wretched life—
Old Peter had a furious wife;
Old Peter, too, was truly stout,
He measured several yards about.
Old Peter had a furious wife;
Old Peter, too, was truly stout,
He measured several yards about.
The little fairy Picklekin
One summer afternoon looked in,
And said, “Old Peter, how-de-do?
Can I do anything for you?
One summer afternoon looked in,
And said, “Old Peter, how-de-do?
Can I do anything for you?
“I have three gifts—the first will give
Unbounded riches while you live;
The second, health where'er you be;
The third, invisibility.”
Unbounded riches while you live;
The second, health where'er you be;
The third, invisibility.”
414
“O, little fairy Picklekin,”
Old Peter answered, with a grin,
“To hesitate would be absurd,—
Undoubtedly I choose the third.”
Old Peter answered, with a grin,
“To hesitate would be absurd,—
Undoubtedly I choose the third.”
“'Tis yours,” the fairy said; “be quite
Invisible to mortal sight
Whene'er you please. Remember me
Most kindly, pray, to Mrs. P.”
Invisible to mortal sight
Whene'er you please. Remember me
Most kindly, pray, to Mrs. P.”
Old Mrs. Peter overheard
Wee Picklekin's concluding word,
And, jealous of her girlhood's choice,
Said, “That was some young woman's voice!”
Wee Picklekin's concluding word,
And, jealous of her girlhood's choice,
Said, “That was some young woman's voice!”
Old Peter let her scold and swear—
Old Peter, bless him, didn't care.
“My dear, your rage is wasted quite—
Observe, I disappear from sight!”
Old Peter, bless him, didn't care.
“My dear, your rage is wasted quite—
Observe, I disappear from sight!”
A well-bred fairy (so I've heard)
Is always faithful to her word:
Old Peter vanished like a shot,
But then—his suit of clothes did not.
Is always faithful to her word:
Old Peter vanished like a shot,
But then—his suit of clothes did not.
For when conferred the fairy slim
Invisibility on him,
She popped away on fairy wings,
Without referring to his “things.”
Invisibility on him,
She popped away on fairy wings,
Without referring to his “things.”
So there remained a coat of blue,
A vest and double eyeglass too,
His tail, his shoes, his socks as well,
His pair of—no, I must not tell.
A vest and double eyeglass too,
His tail, his shoes, his socks as well,
His pair of—no, I must not tell.
415
Old Mrs. Peter soon began
To see the failure of his plan,
And then resolved (I quote the bard)
To “hoist him with his own petard.”
To see the failure of his plan,
And then resolved (I quote the bard)
To “hoist him with his own petard.”
Old Peter woke next day and dressed,
Put on his coat and shoes and vest,
His shirt and stock—but could not find
His only pair of—never mind!
Put on his coat and shoes and vest,
His shirt and stock—but could not find
His only pair of—never mind!
Old Peter was a decent man,
And though he twigged his lady's plan,
Yet, hearing her approaching, he
Resumed invisibility.
And though he twigged his lady's plan,
Yet, hearing her approaching, he
Resumed invisibility.
“Dear Mrs. P., my only joy,”
Exclaimed the horrified old boy;
“Now give them up, I beg of you—
You know what I'm referring to!”
Exclaimed the horrified old boy;
“Now give them up, I beg of you—
You know what I'm referring to!”
416
But no; the cross old lady swore
She'd keep his—what I said before—
To make him publicly absurd;
And Mrs. Peter kept her word.
She'd keep his—what I said before—
To make him publicly absurd;
And Mrs. Peter kept her word.
The poor old fellow had no rest;
His coat, his stock, his shoes, his vest,
Were all that now met mortal eye—
The rest, invisibility!
His coat, his stock, his shoes, his vest,
Were all that now met mortal eye—
The rest, invisibility!
“Now, madam, give them up, I beg—
I've bad rheumatics in my leg;
Besides, until you do, it's plain
I cannot come to sight again!
I've bad rheumatics in my leg;
Besides, until you do, it's plain
I cannot come to sight again!
“For though some mirth it might afford
To see my clothes without their lord,
Yet there would rise indignant oaths
If he were seen without his clothes!”
To see my clothes without their lord,
Yet there would rise indignant oaths
If he were seen without his clothes!”
But no; resolved to have her quiz,
The lady held her own—and his—
And Peter left his humble cot
To find a pair of—you know what.
The lady held her own—and his—
And Peter left his humble cot
To find a pair of—you know what.
But—here's the worst of this affair—
Whene'er he came across a pair
Already placed for him to don,
He was too stout to get them on!
Whene'er he came across a pair
Already placed for him to don,
He was too stout to get them on!
So he resolved at once to train,
And walked and walked with all his main;
For years he paced this mortal earth,
To bring himself to decent girth.
And walked and walked with all his main;
For years he paced this mortal earth,
To bring himself to decent girth.
417
At night, when all around is still,
You'll find him pounding up a hill;
And shrieking peasants whom he meets,
Fall down in terror on the peats!
You'll find him pounding up a hill;
And shrieking peasants whom he meets,
Fall down in terror on the peats!
Old Peter walks through wind and rain,
Resolved to train, and train, and train,
Until he weighs twelve stone or so—
And when he does, I'll let you know.
Resolved to train, and train, and train,
Until he weighs twelve stone or so—
And when he does, I'll let you know.
The Bab Ballads | ||