The Quadruped's Feast Inscribed, a great many years ago, with a father's fondest affection, to A. F. E., P. F. E., G. W., D. C., A. C., and L. C. W. [by Francis Wrangham] |
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 | The Quadruped's Feast |  |
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THE QUADRUPEDS' FEAST.
Though piqued by the Butterfly's Ball beyond measure,
The Quadrupeds quickly forgot their displeasure;
When the Peacock “at Home,” most unparallell'd daring!
By his impudence stung them afresh beyond bearing.
Too frank to be jealous, too proud to be vain,
The Lion alone heard the news with disdain:
But his consort—true female, you'll cry, to the bone!—
Resolved, e'en in trifles, she'd not be outshone.
‘—Beside that she hated aught shabby and mean,
‘Her young cubs she intended that Christmas to wean;
‘And a fête, just for once, with some brisk pipes and tabors,
‘Would make them acquainted (she said) with her neighbours.
‘As for fiddles, vile kits! she abhorr'd them with reason;
‘For Yaniewicz e'en to touch catgut was treason:
‘The tuning and scraping alike tried her patience—
‘For the strings were supplied byher deary's relations.’
So with patting, and pinching Sir Lionel's tail—
Ah! what cannot woman, when bent to prevail?—
She persuaded, at last, the magnanimous beast
To issue his cards for ‘The Quadrupeds' Feast.’
The Quadrupeds quickly forgot their displeasure;
When the Peacock “at Home,” most unparallell'd daring!
By his impudence stung them afresh beyond bearing.
Too frank to be jealous, too proud to be vain,
The Lion alone heard the news with disdain:
But his consort—true female, you'll cry, to the bone!—
Resolved, e'en in trifles, she'd not be outshone.
‘—Beside that she hated aught shabby and mean,
‘Her young cubs she intended that Christmas to wean;
‘And a fête, just for once, with some brisk pipes and tabors,
‘Would make them acquainted (she said) with her neighbours.
‘As for fiddles, vile kits! she abhorr'd them with reason;
‘For Yaniewicz e'en to touch catgut was treason:
‘The tuning and scraping alike tried her patience—
‘For the strings were supplied byher deary's relations.’
So with patting, and pinching Sir Lionel's tail—
Ah! what cannot woman, when bent to prevail?—
She persuaded, at last, the magnanimous beast
To issue his cards for ‘The Quadrupeds' Feast.’
The Jackal was now summon'd into the den,
As the Lion's provider, with apron and pen,
To note down the dishes best suiting each palate—
Fish and fowl, raw and roast, eggs and nuts, soup and sallad:
For, the gala to guard from confusion and pother,
'Twas arranged that the guests should not eat one another.
As the Lion's provider, with apron and pen,
To note down the dishes best suiting each palate—
Fish and fowl, raw and roast, eggs and nuts, soup and sallad:
For, the gala to guard from confusion and pother,
'Twas arranged that the guests should not eat one another.
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Next the Beaver, to have all things proper and smart, he
Directed to run up a room for the party;
Very wide, to the Elephant's size in regard,
And high enough e'en for the Camelopard.
'Twas done: in a trice the magnificent room
Was plaster'd, and corniced, and crown'd with a dome:
'Twere wondrous indeed, had the architect fail'd,
Whose race has for aye borne the trowel entail'd.
But the Elephant, though he loved music like Haydn's,
And moved to the trumpet and tabor in cadence,
When he cast his eye down on his toes unfantastic—
Oh for Butler, to lend me a rhyme Hudibrastic!
Alleged pre-engagement, to shun the light sport,
As dancing he modestly deem'd not his forte:
And the Camelopard in his desert would stay;
‘For a hermit, such rous were quite out of the way.’
Directed to run up a room for the party;
Very wide, to the Elephant's size in regard,
And high enough e'en for the Camelopard.
'Twas done: in a trice the magnificent room
Was plaster'd, and corniced, and crown'd with a dome:
'Twere wondrous indeed, had the architect fail'd,
Whose race has for aye borne the trowel entail'd.
But the Elephant, though he loved music like Haydn's,
And moved to the trumpet and tabor in cadence,
When he cast his eye down on his toes unfantastic—
Oh for Butler, to lend me a rhyme Hudibrastic!
Alleged pre-engagement, to shun the light sport,
As dancing he modestly deem'd not his forte:
And the Camelopard in his desert would stay;
‘For a hermit, such rous were quite out of the way.’
'Twere well, with the Elephant's wisdom did all
Rate their powers for a concert, a banquet, or ball!
But the Cow, who her ticket received about noon,
Had there been one, would sure have ‘leap'd over the moon;’
For ‘cowtillions and hornpipes, 'twas fair to infer
‘From their names, could be only intended for her.’
At last, by her resolute husband said nay—
John Bull, 'tis well known, ever will have his way—
She consented to eat, 'stead of dancing, the hay.
Rate their powers for a concert, a banquet, or ball!
But the Cow, who her ticket received about noon,
Had there been one, would sure have ‘leap'd over the moon;’
For ‘cowtillions and hornpipes, 'twas fair to infer
‘From their names, could be only intended for her.’
At last, by her resolute husband said nay—
John Bull, 'tis well known, ever will have his way—
She consented to eat, 'stead of dancing, the hay.
The Bear too would gladly have join'd in the dance
With a swarthy King-Monkey, arrived last from France;
Where favour'd by nature, and aided by art, he
Had succeeded in aping the great Buonaparte.
But far from this hop, with his mate cheek by jowl,
Poor Bruin was snoring away at the pole:
Lock'd in slumber and ice, he lay sucking his paws,
While his partner was filching and stuffing his jaws.
With the Hedge-hog, too, sleeping seem'd now all the rage;
And the Dormouse was snug in his nice little cage:
At the Butterfly's Ball with exertion worn out,
He vow'd ‘he would never more visit a rout;’
So round as an apple himself up he roll'd,
And at once bade defiance to cards, care, and cold.
With the Glow-worm's green lustre the eyes of the Mole
Still ached, so he gayly grubb'd on in his hole;
Nor would he have judged it inducement enough,
Had the card e'en proposed his loved game, Blindman's Buff.
With a swarthy King-Monkey, arrived last from France;
Where favour'd by nature, and aided by art, he
Had succeeded in aping the great Buonaparte.
But far from this hop, with his mate cheek by jowl,
Poor Bruin was snoring away at the pole:
Lock'd in slumber and ice, he lay sucking his paws,
While his partner was filching and stuffing his jaws.
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And the Dormouse was snug in his nice little cage:
At the Butterfly's Ball with exertion worn out,
He vow'd ‘he would never more visit a rout;’
So round as an apple himself up he roll'd,
And at once bade defiance to cards, care, and cold.
With the Glow-worm's green lustre the eyes of the Mole
Still ached, so he gayly grubb'd on in his hole;
Nor would he have judged it inducement enough,
Had the card e'en proposed his loved game, Blindman's Buff.
These all, then, the frolicsome party declined;
And, obstinate ever, the Mule stay'd behind:
The Wolf was left out for his treacherous trick,
When he feign'd himself Riding-Hood's grandmother sick;
And th' Hyena, because it was fear'd she would fly on
Some beau or some belle, though forbid by the Lion.
The Sloth said, ‘'twas out of his power to appear;
‘But he hoped they'd repeat every Christmas their cheer,
‘As he thought he could reach them by that time next year.’
And the Camel, who carries the pilgrim to prayer,
In proof of his friendship sent some of his hair:
He himself with the Moslem to Mecca is gone;
But the pictures, hung round, by his pencil were done.
And, obstinate ever, the Mule stay'd behind:
The Wolf was left out for his treacherous trick,
When he feign'd himself Riding-Hood's grandmother sick;
And th' Hyena, because it was fear'd she would fly on
Some beau or some belle, though forbid by the Lion.
The Sloth said, ‘'twas out of his power to appear;
‘But he hoped they'd repeat every Christmas their cheer,
‘As he thought he could reach them by that time next year.’
And the Camel, who carries the pilgrim to prayer,
In proof of his friendship sent some of his hair:
He himself with the Moslem to Mecca is gone;
But the pictures, hung round, by his pencil were done.
Spite of all these refusals, great numbers were there,
Delighted alike to be stared at, and stare:
Of Dogs all descriptions, fat, slim, short, and tall—
Puppies ever in plenty occur at a ball.
There was Farmer, and Frisky, and Fairy, and Fun,
And Tarquin, and Beany —red, brindled, and dun;
Nay, so far had the loud invitation been heard,
That 'tis said, e'en some sledge-dogs from Lapland appear'd.
Delighted alike to be stared at, and stare:
Of Dogs all descriptions, fat, slim, short, and tall—
Puppies ever in plenty occur at a ball.
There was Farmer, and Frisky, and Fairy, and Fun,
And Tarquin, and Beany —red, brindled, and dun;
Nay, so far had the loud invitation been heard,
That 'tis said, e'en some sledge-dogs from Lapland appear'd.
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‘Each dog will his day have,’ if Hamlet
says right:
Yet it follows not thence, each should have too his night.
One had kindly, at first, been received as a stranger;
But as soon as 'twas whisper'd, ‘The Dog from the Manger,’
'Twas determined nem. con. such ill-nature to scout:
So this Dog in a doublet was, straightway, turn'd out.
Yet it follows not thence, each should have too his night.
One had kindly, at first, been received as a stranger;
But as soon as 'twas whisper'd, ‘The Dog from the Manger,’
'Twas determined nem. con. such ill-nature to scout:
So this Dog in a doublet was, straightway, turn'd out.
Master Turnspit would fain in the gambols have join'd,
But he to the kitchen, alas! was confined:
Yet he growl'd no remonstrance; no tear could you spy
Rolling down his young cheek, from his black or white eye.
So, content in his station (a lesson for man!)
He received for his service a sop in the pan.
But he to the kitchen, alas! was confined:
Yet he growl'd no remonstrance; no tear could you spy
Rolling down his young cheek, from his black or white eye.
So, content in his station (a lesson for man!)
He received for his service a sop in the pan.
The race of the tabbies at fêtes seldom fails:
So there were all Cats, save the Cat-with-nine-tails;
Bewhisker'd, bespeckled, betail'd, and befurr'd—
The wild Cat that scream'd, and the tame Cat that purr'd;
The Cat of Angora soft-silver-ruff-neck'd,
And the Cat of Cayenne à la tigre bedeck'd;
With a freedom, which seem'd indecorous to brutes,
From Carabas Hall just arrived, Puss-in-boots:
In sables of snow a Cat (heralds declare)
Sprung from her, who made Whittington London's Lord Mayor;
Though others affirm 'twas the Princess befairy'd,
Who when less by the head turn'd good woman, and married.
And last, though not least in poetic renown,
The Cat of Dame Trot in a pelisse of brown:
But their various costumi 'twere endless to tell,
And would puzzle the brains yet unpuzzled by Bell.
So there were all Cats, save the Cat-with-nine-tails;
Bewhisker'd, bespeckled, betail'd, and befurr'd—
The wild Cat that scream'd, and the tame Cat that purr'd;
The Cat of Angora soft-silver-ruff-neck'd,
And the Cat of Cayenne à la tigre bedeck'd;
With a freedom, which seem'd indecorous to brutes,
From Carabas Hall just arrived, Puss-in-boots:
In sables of snow a Cat (heralds declare)
Sprung from her, who made Whittington London's Lord Mayor;
Though others affirm 'twas the Princess befairy'd,
Who when less by the head turn'd good woman, and married.
And last, though not least in poetic renown,
The Cat of Dame Trot in a pelisse of brown:
But their various costumi 'twere endless to tell,
And would puzzle the brains yet unpuzzled by Bell.
Nor less arduous the task, to name all the folks there—
Major Ram, Colonel Goat, Messieurs Roebuck and Deer;
Sir Thomas Grimalkin, Miss Fawn, Mistress Hind
(With twins in the straw Lady Grim was confined);
The Guinea-pig following, though sluggish, his nose;
And the Bat, who appear'd bird or beast as he chose;
Lord Cameleon the courtier, all colours to all,
Who himself like his friends fed with air at the ball;
Mona, harlequin-robed in black, yellow, and blue;
And, o'er sofas light-bounding, wild Tom Kangaroo.
Major Ram, Colonel Goat, Messieurs Roebuck and Deer;
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(With twins in the straw Lady Grim was confined);
The Guinea-pig following, though sluggish, his nose;
And the Bat, who appear'd bird or beast as he chose;
Lord Cameleon the courtier, all colours to all,
Who himself like his friends fed with air at the ball;
Mona, harlequin-robed in black, yellow, and blue;
And, o'er sofas light-bounding, wild Tom Kangaroo.
And now, though the pipe and the tabor invite
About strathspeys and minuets to scribble all night;
Yet this, with the number and names of the dances,
Save one little bye-scene, I must leave to your fancies;
Or rather to Hers, who has pictured so well
How it's quadruped hero fought, flirted, and fell!
Jacky Porker then bowing, and curling his tail
(With an air and address, which he thought must prevail)
Half-grunting, half-sighing, Miss Lambkin drew near;
With the raptures of love in a sty fill'd her ear,
And begg'd his sweet cottage he one day might show her,
That ‘a Pig in a poke’ might be heard of no more—
But she quizz'd all he said, and pronounced him a bore.
While, proud of her pet, mamma Woolly sat by,
And cast now and then at her spouse a sheep's eye.
About strathspeys and minuets to scribble all night;
Yet this, with the number and names of the dances,
Save one little bye-scene, I must leave to your fancies;
Or rather to Hers, who has pictured so well
How it's quadruped hero fought, flirted, and fell!
Jacky Porker then bowing, and curling his tail
(With an air and address, which he thought must prevail)
Half-grunting, half-sighing, Miss Lambkin drew near;
With the raptures of love in a sty fill'd her ear,
And begg'd his sweet cottage he one day might show her,
That ‘a Pig in a poke’ might be heard of no more—
But she quizz'd all he said, and pronounced him a bore.
While, proud of her pet, mamma Woolly sat by,
And cast now and then at her spouse a sheep's eye.
As soon as the music was heard to begin,
Serjeant Orang was eager at whist to cut in.
Miss Tabby would rather have made up a pool—
Your true Cat loves the fish of a sans prendre vole:
But, finding the set to her hands ready beasted,
She with old Sir John Ass to the whist-table hasted.
The King-Monkey, well known for his love of odd tricks,
In the party, as fourth, was delighted to mix;
And still by his shuffling, intent upon pelf,
He gave all the court-cards to his partner and self.
Serjeant Orang was eager at whist to cut in.
Miss Tabby would rather have made up a pool—
Your true Cat loves the fish of a sans prendre vole:
But, finding the set to her hands ready beasted,
She with old Sir John Ass to the whist-table hasted.
The King-Monkey, well known for his love of odd tricks,
In the party, as fourth, was delighted to mix;
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He gave all the court-cards to his partner and self.
The Lion and Unicorn, long rival powers,
Engaged tooth and nail in a game at All-fours;
Where their strength and their skill were alternately shown,
And the contest was fierce—for the stake was, a crown:
While the Pig, at his favourite Backgammon mistaken,
Lost a hit to the Dog, and but just saved his bacon.
Engaged tooth and nail in a game at All-fours;
Where their strength and their skill were alternately shown,
And the contest was fierce—for the stake was, a crown:
While the Pig, at his favourite Backgammon mistaken,
Lost a hit to the Dog, and but just saved his bacon.
As Christmas for songs is the season and sports,
In another apartment were games of all sorts.
First, 'twas ‘What's my thought like?’ Here, young Jacky Ass prosed;
And next his wise pate by Dumb Crambo was posed:
The Puppies, to show their white teeth, grinn'd of course;
And a long loud ‘Ha, ha!’ was roar'd out by the Horse.
Master Calf was encored for his ‘Little Jack Horner;’
And a set, with Sir Thomas, play'd ‘Puss in a corner.’
Of all these, in it's turn, ‘Hunt the slipper’ took place;
And e'en Reynard, for once, tasted joy in a chace.
In compliment to it's great patron deceased,
‘Leap-frog’ was declined by each generous beast.
In another apartment were games of all sorts.
First, 'twas ‘What's my thought like?’ Here, young Jacky Ass prosed;
And next his wise pate by Dumb Crambo was posed:
The Puppies, to show their white teeth, grinn'd of course;
And a long loud ‘Ha, ha!’ was roar'd out by the Horse.
Master Calf was encored for his ‘Little Jack Horner;’
And a set, with Sir Thomas, play'd ‘Puss in a corner.’
Of all these, in it's turn, ‘Hunt the slipper’ took place;
And e'en Reynard, for once, tasted joy in a chace.
In compliment to it's great patron deceased,
‘Leap-frog’ was declined by each generous beast.
Now the supper's announced: but, before they sat down,
They were ranged with much judgement by Monsieur Baboon.
The Rhinoceros, next the Boar, fear'd not his tusk;
And the Polecat was flank'd by the Civet and Musk.
From Miss Lambkin 'Squire Fox at a distance was seated,
And the Tiger was not by the Axis admitted.
Number One not forgetting meantime, he pick'd out
For himself a snug berth near a nice dish of fruit
(So, in helping the turtle, Sir Balaam is seen
To keep back in the shell the tid-bits of the green);
While the host's ancient double, well pleased, Sir John Ass
Was deputed Vice-Pres., to distribute ‘the grass.’
They were ranged with much judgement by Monsieur Baboon.
The Rhinoceros, next the Boar, fear'd not his tusk;
And the Polecat was flank'd by the Civet and Musk.
From Miss Lambkin 'Squire Fox at a distance was seated,
And the Tiger was not by the Axis admitted.
Number One not forgetting meantime, he pick'd out
For himself a snug berth near a nice dish of fruit
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To keep back in the shell the tid-bits of the green);
While the host's ancient double, well pleased, Sir John Ass
Was deputed Vice-Pres., to distribute ‘the grass.’
Near the Lioness station'd, in kinship as near,
The Misses Grimalkin their favourite “small deer”
Forgot 'mid the dainties of pigeons and fish,
And nothing was soon to be seen but the dish.
Such twirling of tails! and such stretching of claws!
E'en Miss Tabitha could not help purring applause:
‘The supper,’ she must say, ‘her coz show'd great taste in;
‘In all her nine lives, she had ne'er known such feasting!’
The Misses Grimalkin their favourite “small deer”
Forgot 'mid the dainties of pigeons and fish,
And nothing was soon to be seen but the dish.
Such twirling of tails! and such stretching of claws!
E'en Miss Tabitha could not help purring applause:
‘The supper,’ she must say, ‘her coz show'd great taste in;
‘In all her nine lives, she had ne'er known such feasting!’
Master Reynard, the slave still of passion or habit,
Look'd often askew at a neighbouring Rabbit:
But vainly he sharpen'd his teeth and his nails,
For the rabbit served up was the ‘rabbit of Wales.’
So his plate he despatch'd for some soup to Tim Pug,
Not choosing to have it, as once, in a jug;
Pick'd the wing of a chicken, the leg of a grouse,
And grossly concluded his meal with a goose.
But, though 'twas his luck not to meet with her there,
From his sleep he was rous'd by the heavy Night-mare.
Sir John Ass' repast the Rhinoceros shared—
A large sallad of thistles, with sugar prepared.
Look'd often askew at a neighbouring Rabbit:
But vainly he sharpen'd his teeth and his nails,
For the rabbit served up was the ‘rabbit of Wales.’
So his plate he despatch'd for some soup to Tim Pug,
Not choosing to have it, as once, in a jug;
Pick'd the wing of a chicken, the leg of a grouse,
And grossly concluded his meal with a goose.
But, though 'twas his luck not to meet with her there,
From his sleep he was rous'd by the heavy Night-mare.
Sir John Ass' repast the Rhinoceros shared—
A large sallad of thistles, with sugar prepared.
The cloth now removed, with what speed he was able
The Glutton was glumly retiring from table,
When—my story's sad issue, ah! how shall I tell?
In his way, by misfortune, the architect fell;
And, though he attempted for succour to call,
He ate up poor Inigo—trowel and all!
The Glutton was glumly retiring from table,
When—my story's sad issue, ah! how shall I tell?
In his way, by misfortune, the architect fell;
And, though he attempted for succour to call,
He ate up poor Inigo—trowel and all!
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This breach of the Lion's concordat of order
Made the weaker guests all apprehensive of murther;
And proved that good laws, without morals to boot,
Are vain—as a brute will be ever a brute.
In idea, Miss Lambkin was griped by 'Squire Fox;
And the Squirrel, Lynx-awed, no more crack'd nuts—or jokes.
The death too of him, who had built them their room,
As 'twas natural, diffused o'er the party a gloom;
So they rose in a hurry, and all hasted home:
Resolving—to close this long sequel of sequels—
Thenceforward they'd visit with none but their equals.
Made the weaker guests all apprehensive of murther;
And proved that good laws, without morals to boot,
Are vain—as a brute will be ever a brute.
In idea, Miss Lambkin was griped by 'Squire Fox;
And the Squirrel, Lynx-awed, no more crack'd nuts—or jokes.
The death too of him, who had built them their room,
As 'twas natural, diffused o'er the party a gloom;
So they rose in a hurry, and all hasted home:
Resolving—to close this long sequel of sequels—
Thenceforward they'd visit with none but their equals.
The derivation of this (real) name may amuse children of a smaller, as the celebrated one of King Pepin has those of a larger, growth—Puppy, Puppea, Pup-bean, Bean, Beany. Query? Might not the pedigree of the abowe-named illustrious sovereign of Gaul be better carried back, one step higher, to Hotspur? It gives a personality to the original ancestor, and—as to considerations of chronology—what, cxcept law, is so gloriously uncertain?
Who has not seen, and seeing admired, the lithographic beauties of the all-accomplished ‘Mr. Pig and Miss Crane!’
| The Quadruped's Feast | |