Recaptured Rhymes Being a Batch of Political and Other Fugitives Arrested and Brought to Book. By H. D. Traill |
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 | OCCASIONAL RHYMES |
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 | Recaptured Rhymes |  |
33
OCCASIONAL RHYMES
35
HONI SOIT QUI MAL Y PENSE.
(Brighton. 1881.)
Scene—A Railway Platform. Policemen assembled.
To them an Inspector: they exchange greetings.
He sings, accompanying himself softly on the Rattle.
Inspector.
Heed not, comrades, though they taunt us
With the Frenchman's subtler art;
'Tis a prouder boast to vaunt us
In the wisdom of the heart.
With the Frenchman's subtler art;
'Tis a prouder boast to vaunt us
In the wisdom of the heart.
Be it ours—we much prefer it—
To survey men's works and ways
In a nobler, kindlier spirit,
With a franker, freer gaze.
To survey men's works and ways
In a nobler, kindlier spirit,
With a franker, freer gaze.
36
Higher heights of moral stature
Presuppose a wider glance;
Let us trust in human nature,
“Honi soit qui mal y pense.”
Presuppose a wider glance;
Let us trust in human nature,
“Honi soit qui mal y pense.”
Doubt, we know, is from the devil,
Let us thrust its lures aside;
Constables who think no evil
Ever have been England's pride.
Let us thrust its lures aside;
Constables who think no evil
Ever have been England's pride.
All
(enthusiastically).
Ay! away with base suspicion,
And with thoughts that wrong mankind!
Ill it were in our position
To indulge a cynic mind.
And with thoughts that wrong mankind!
Ill it were in our position
To indulge a cynic mind.
(A train enters the station. They approach it.)
Inspector.
See from yonder railway carriage
Who is this emerging, pray,
In a plight 'twould scarce disparage
To describe as disarray?
Who is this emerging, pray,
37
To describe as disarray?
Why! his face and hands are gory,
And exhausted he appears!
Stranger, pour your moving story
In our sympathetic ears.
And exhausted he appears!
Stranger, pour your moving story
In our sympathetic ears.
(He pours it.)
All.
Ah, most startling! Ah, most thrilling!
Of romance 'tis strangely full!
Aged merchant—missing villain—
Countryman—and cock-and-bull!
Of romance 'tis strangely full!
Aged merchant—missing villain—
Countryman—and cock-and-bull!
Inspector
(after a pause).
Yet I fain would ask you, stranger,
How—but, no, this will not do;
Mutual trust it might endanger—
Who am I to question you?
How—but, no, this will not do;
Mutual trust it might endanger—
Who am I to question you?
38
(approvingly).
Who, indeed? Avaunt, suspicion!
Down, ye thoughts that wrong mankind!
Ill befits it our position
To indulge a cynic mind.
Down, ye thoughts that wrong mankind!
Ill befits it our position
To indulge a cynic mind.
(Another pause, during which they eye the stranger closely.)
Inspector
(after a struggle with himself).
Pardon, Sir, the strong desire I
Vainly labour to restrain;
But th' old Adam of inquiry
Rises in my breast again.
Vainly labour to restrain;
But th' old Adam of inquiry
Rises in my breast again.
Tell me (thus a weakness lingers!)
How and when you tore your coat;
And are those not marks of fingers
That I see upon your throat?
How and when you tore your coat;
And are those not marks of fingers
That I see upon your throat?
39
Where's your collar? where your necktie?
Where—but why the question press?
If your mens be conscia recti
What's a collar more or less?
Where—but why the question press?
If your mens be conscia recti
What's a collar more or less?
All.
What, indeed? Away, suspicion!
Get thee, Satan's child, behind!
Let us each in his position
Shun that curse—a cynic mind.
Get thee, Satan's child, behind!
Let us each in his position
Shun that curse—a cynic mind.
(Yet another pause. They still continue eyeing the stranger.)
Inspector
(diffidently).
I despise the art of angling
For disclosures—mean pursuit!
But . . . . I notice something dangling
(Not a bootlace) from your boot.
For disclosures—mean pursuit!
But . . . . I notice something dangling
(Not a bootlace) from your boot.
40
Ha! a watch-chain! I declare, it
Seems a funny place to—eh?
What! “The way you always wear it?”
Say no more! forgive me, pray!
Seems a funny place to—eh?
What! “The way you always wear it?”
Say no more! forgive me, pray!
True-born Britons never heed 'em,
Casual trifles such as these;
Heirs to centuries of freedom
Wear their watch-chains how they please.
Casual trifles such as these;
Heirs to centuries of freedom
Wear their watch-chains how they please.
All
(proudly).
True! Away then, vile suspicion!
Spurn we thoughts that wrong mankind!
Base it were in our position
To indulge a cynic mind.
Spurn we thoughts that wrong mankind!
Base it were in our position
To indulge a cynic mind.
Inspector.
Now farewell! the word may grieve us
Yet at last we must dismiss
Dearest friends; but ere you leave us
Gentle stranger, tell me this:
Yet at last we must dismiss
Dearest friends; but ere you leave us
Gentle stranger, tell me this:
41
Since we may your kind assistance
Need to trace this dreadful crime—
Are you going any distance?
Or for any length of time?
Need to trace this dreadful crime—
Are you going any distance?
Or for any length of time?
“Just a week of foreign travel?”
Thanks! Then we may count on you
After that to help unravel
This dark mystery! Adieu!
Thanks! Then we may count on you
After that to help unravel
This dark mystery! Adieu!
(Stranger embraces the police, beginning with the Inspector; then enters a Continental train. They watch it moving from the station until it is lost to view.)
Inspector and Chorus.
Speed thee, speed thee, o'er the billow!
I will not believe thee vile.
We will not believe thee vile.
Smooth, O smooth is strewn the pillow
Under heads that know no guile.
I will not believe thee vile.
We will not believe thee vile.
Smooth, O smooth is strewn the pillow
Under heads that know no guile.
42
Doubt, I feel, is from the devil;
Doubt, We feel, is from the devil;
I will thrust its lures aside.
Let us thrust its lures aside.
Constables that think no evil
Ever have been England's pride.
Doubt, We feel, is from the devil;
I will thrust its lures aside.
Let us thrust its lures aside.
Constables that think no evil
Ever have been England's pride.
43
FROM AN IRISH LETTER-BAG.
(1880.)
Dear Frank,
I have read with profound admiration
The eloquent speeches you lately have made,
And applaud in especial that noble oration
Directed at landlords who wish to be paid.
The eloquent speeches you lately have made,
And applaud in especial that noble oration
Directed at landlords who wish to be paid.
You denounce with the force of invincible reason
Those merciless men who their tenantry press,
And who thus in the present deplorable season
Attempt to make capital out of distress.
Those merciless men who their tenantry press,
And who thus in the present deplorable season
Attempt to make capital out of distress.
Of the part that I took at the recent election
To aid your return I have cause to be proud;
So believe me, dear Frank, with the truest affection,
Yours ever admiringly,
To aid your return I have cause to be proud;
So believe me, dear Frank, with the truest affection,
Yours ever admiringly,
Dicky O'Dowd.
44
Dear Dick,
For the friendly and cousinly spirit
Displayed in your letter its writer I thank;
Of landlords like you the approval to merit
Is more than enough for yours heartily,
For the friendly and cousinly spirit
Displayed in your letter its writer I thank;
Of landlords like you the approval to merit
Is more than enough for yours heartily,
Frank.
Dear Frank,
I have no hesitation in tasking
The kindness of one so large-hearted as you,
And I therefore address you with confidence, asking
Your leave for delaying a payment that's due.
The kindness of one so large-hearted as you,
And I therefore address you with confidence, asking
Your leave for delaying a payment that's due.
As from now till a year from the coming December
The rent of my farms I must wholly abate,
You will hardly expect me till then to remember
Your charge on the Ballymahoony estate.
The rent of my farms I must wholly abate,
You will hardly expect me till then to remember
Your charge on the Ballymahoony estate.
45
Hard pressed as I am, it would greatly relieve me,
This eighteen months' grace if I might be allowed;
So, assuming your friendly forbearance, believe me,
Your cousin affectionate,
This eighteen months' grace if I might be allowed;
So, assuming your friendly forbearance, believe me,
Your cousin affectionate,
Dicky O'Dowd.
Dear Dick,
I assure you it pains me intensely
Your modest request to be forced to refuse;
But though to assent would rejoice me immensely,
I'm really in no situation to choose.
Your modest request to be forced to refuse;
But though to assent would rejoice me immensely,
I'm really in no situation to choose.
To postpone to one's children relations more distant
Is surely a maxim you wouldn't condemn;
And my family, Dick! 'twould be scarcely consistent
With what I regard as my duty to them.
Is surely a maxim you wouldn't condemn;
And my family, Dick! 'twould be scarcely consistent
With what I regard as my duty to them.
Then forgive me, old boy, that the claims of my wife and
My brats before yours—even yours—I must rank;
So heartily wishing you health and long life and
A bumper next harvest, yours lovingly,
My brats before yours—even yours—I must rank;
46
A bumper next harvest, yours lovingly,
Frank.
Dear Frank,
I'm aware of my “once removed” cousins,
But I, recollect, am a “father of five,”
While my tenants, alas! can display them in dozens,
A-swarm in their cabins like bees in a hive.
But I, recollect, am a “father of five,”
While my tenants, alas! can display them in dozens,
A-swarm in their cabins like bees in a hive.
Tim Doolan, with eight, hasn't found it convenient
To pay me a farthing for two years and more;
And, in spite of my five, I'm obliged to be lenient,
So, you, too, might manage it, Frank, with your four.
To pay me a farthing for two years and more;
And, in spite of my five, I'm obliged to be lenient,
So, you, too, might manage it, Frank, with your four.
I think we should help one another to bear it—
This burden by which the whole country is bowed;
And I cannot but think you are ready to share it
With yours very faithfully,
This burden by which the whole country is bowed;
And I cannot but think you are ready to share it
With yours very faithfully,
Dicky O'Dowd.
47
Dear Dick,
You behaved with a wise moderation,
I own, when your claim on Tim Doolan you sank;
But I cannot perceive that a like obligation
Devolves upon yours very faithfully,
You behaved with a wise moderation,
I own, when your claim on Tim Doolan you sank;
But I cannot perceive that a like obligation
Devolves upon yours very faithfully,
Frank.
Dear Frank,
Can't you really? 'Tis I then who labour
Beneath moral-optic illusions alone.
But I know that the judge of the case of a neighbour
Is mighty astute to “distinguish” his own.
Beneath moral-optic illusions alone.
But I know that the judge of the case of a neighbour
Is mighty astute to “distinguish” his own.
Yet allow me to say, your humanity-preachings
Might well be a little less eager and loud
While you throw the expense of applying its teachings
On yours unassistedly,
Might well be a little less eager and loud
While you throw the expense of applying its teachings
On yours unassistedly,
Dicky O'Dowd.
48
Sir,
I beg to acknowledge your insolent letter,
But care not its sophistries cheap to expose;
I'm content to remark that I think it is better
That this correspondence between us should close.
But care not its sophistries cheap to expose;
I'm content to remark that I think it is better
That this correspondence between us should close.
If you cannot perceive the disparity glaring
Between the two cases you seek to confuse,
I must leave you alone with your blunder, despairing
Of bringing you round to more sensible views.
Between the two cases you seek to confuse,
I must leave you alone with your blunder, despairing
Of bringing you round to more sensible views.
But though I shan't waste my own labour in writing,
To try and point out the mistake you have made,
I may, by a letter my lawyer's inditing,
Convince you, perhaps, that I mean to be paid.
To try and point out the mistake you have made,
I may, by a letter my lawyer's inditing,
Convince you, perhaps, that I mean to be paid.
I want but my money, and do not intend it
Grabbed up by a covetous landlord to be,
So a cheque if you please, and the sooner you send it
The better you'll satisfy
Grabbed up by a covetous landlord to be,
So a cheque if you please, and the sooner you send it
The better you'll satisfy
F. H. O'D.
49
Sir,
Take and be—happy, the sum that I owe you,
The slice from your debtor, you Shylock avowed!
It is something at least and at last that I know you.
Your luckless Antonio,
Take and be—happy, the sum that I owe you,
The slice from your debtor, you Shylock avowed!
It is something at least and at last that I know you.
Your luckless Antonio,
Richard O'Dowd.
Post scriptum.—I erred, and I own it with candour,
In thinking, misled by analogy loose,
To apply to the humanitarian gander
Your sauce for the landed-proprietor goose.
In thinking, misled by analogy loose,
To apply to the humanitarian gander
Your sauce for the landed-proprietor goose.
50
THE PUZZLED HISTORIAN.
(1880.)
“What is the drift of it? Where is the key to it?
Fog and perplexity! What does it mean?
Search as I may, no solution I see to it,
Nowhere the trace of a clue to be seen.”
Fog and perplexity! What does it mean?
Search as I may, no solution I see to it,
Nowhere the trace of a clue to be seen.”
Such is the cry the South African mystery,
Wrapt as 'twill seem in obscurity dense,
Surely will draw from the writer of history,
Sifting the matter a century hence.
Wrapt as 'twill seem in obscurity dense,
Surely will draw from the writer of history,
Sifting the matter a century hence.
“Come now, together once more let me pull myself,”
Thus will he mutter with resolute frown;
“Else I shall think I am growing as dull myself,
Dull as the Blue-books I have to boil down.
Thus will he mutter with resolute frown;
“Else I shall think I am growing as dull myself,
Dull as the Blue-books I have to boil down.
51
“Yes! it is clear that a certain Commissioner
Occupied (let me be sure of the year—
Seventy-nine) at the Cape the position or
Office of ruler—that's perfectly clear.
Occupied (let me be sure of the year—
Seventy-nine) at the Cape the position or
Office of ruler—that's perfectly clear.
“Clear it is too (for a scrutiny rigorous
Settles the point) that Commissioner Frere
Does, for proceedings imprudently vigorous,
Get himself wigged by the Government here.
Settles the point) that Commissioner Frere
Does, for proceedings imprudently vigorous,
Get himself wigged by the Government here.
“Wigged with asperity, wigged with severity
(Whigs cannot wig as Conservatives can);
So that one thinks he'll resign with celerity
Such as becomes a high-spirited man.
(Whigs cannot wig as Conservatives can);
So that one thinks he'll resign with celerity
Such as becomes a high-spirited man.
“Ah! but he doesn't; that's quite incontestable;
Clearly, yes clearly, he doesn't resign:
Swallows his wigging and finds it digestible,
Sticks to his office through Seventy-nine.
Clearly, yes clearly, he doesn't resign:
Swallows his wigging and finds it digestible,
Sticks to his office through Seventy-nine.
52
“What have we then? Why, a furious clamour and
Angry demands for Sir Bartle's recall;
Gladstone—the Gladstone—attacking him hammer and
Tongs, and protesting the loudest of all!
Angry demands for Sir Bartle's recall;
Gladstone—the Gladstone—attacking him hammer and
Tongs, and protesting the loudest of all!
“Levity, rashness, inordinate vanity,
Chauvinist arrogance, stubborn self-will,
Callous contempt for the claims of humanity—
Such were the terms of which Frere had his fill.
Chauvinist arrogance, stubborn self-will,
Callous contempt for the claims of humanity—
Such were the terms of which Frere had his fill.
“Faults intellectual, moral obliquities,
Shared, it was said, the Commissioner's mind;
‘Wildest of follies’ or ‘worst of iniquities’
Equally truly his action defined.
Shared, it was said, the Commissioner's mind;
‘Wildest of follies’ or ‘worst of iniquities’
Equally truly his action defined.
“Thus we go on until changes political
Bring to a close the Conservative reign,
Placing this Gladstone—the closest of critical
Study assures me—in office again.
Bring to a close the Conservative reign,
Placing this Gladstone—the closest of critical
Study assures me—in office again.
53
“Now then, I thought, 'twill all up with Sir Bartle be,
Gladstone will have him back home pretty soon;
Or he may think his more dignified part'll be
That of the Colonel's intelligent 'coon.
Gladstone will have him back home pretty soon;
Or he may think his more dignified part'll be
That of the Colonel's intelligent 'coon.
“No, not a bit of it! quite the reverse of it;
Colonel and 'coon get on capital terms;
Federal scheme is revived, and, as nurse of it,
Frere in his office the Premier confirms.
Colonel and 'coon get on capital terms;
Federal scheme is revived, and, as nurse of it,
Frere in his office the Premier confirms.
“Frere, the atrocious, the quite indefensible;
Maker of barbarous wars has become
Frere, the sagacious, the quite indispensable
Man of the policy favoured at home.
Maker of barbarous wars has become
Frere, the sagacious, the quite indispensable
Man of the policy favoured at home.
“Wonders on wonders! but by this addition or
Rather completion the summit is topped;
Frere, the forgiven and trusted Commissioner,
Shortly discovers his salary stopped!
Rather completion the summit is topped;
Frere, the forgiven and trusted Commissioner,
Shortly discovers his salary stopped!
54
“Surely a body of fables incredible
Gathering round this Commissioner Frere!
One I could swallow, or two might be edible,
Hardly the whole—in a single career.
Gathering round this Commissioner Frere!
One I could swallow, or two might be edible,
Hardly the whole—in a single career.
“Wigged by Conservative chiefs who appointed him,
Cursed—and conserved by the Whigs who attacked!
Feathered and tarred by the priests who anointed him,
Whitewashed by those at whose hands he was blacked!
Cursed—and conserved by the Whigs who attacked!
Feathered and tarred by the priests who anointed him,
Whitewashed by those at whose hands he was blacked!
“Sternly rebuked—and with signal humility
Bowing his head and consenting to stay!
Fiercely reviled—and retained for ability!
Highly commended—and docked of his pay!
Bowing his head and consenting to stay!
Fiercely reviled—and retained for ability!
Highly commended—and docked of his pay!
“Have I as one two Commissioners reckoned, or
Is there a brace of Prime Ministers here?
Are there two Gladstones, a first and a second, or
Is there, perchance, an alternative Frere?
Is there a brace of Prime Ministers here?
Are there two Gladstones, a first and a second, or
Is there, perchance, an alternative Frere?
55
“Vainly, ah vainly, I strive with the mystery;
Vainly I hunt for the clue that I miss;
Fog and perplexity! Who would the history
Wish to compose of a people like this?”
Vainly I hunt for the clue that I miss;
Fog and perplexity! Who would the history
Wish to compose of a people like this?”
56
“OUR GLYCERINE BAROMETER.”
(1880.)
[_]
The violent storm which is still raging around us has come opportunely to illustrate the significance of the records which we commenced publishing on Monday of the readings of the Jordan Glycerine Barometer recently established at this office.—The Times, Oct. 29.
Recitative.
Sub-Editor.
How fiercely chides the storm without,
How howl the winds in devil's din!
57
What telegrams come pouring in!
From Falmouth to the Firth of Tay
Our sea-lashed coasts with wrecks are strewn,
Wind-hunted ships crowd every bay.
Ed.
God bless my soul! how opportune!
Sub-E.
From east to west, from north to south,
The floods are out for miles and miles;
From watershed to river-mouth
The banks lie hidden (strange! he smiles)
At Bath a house . . . but how is this?
You hear with fortitude sublime
These shocking—
Ed.
Well, the secret is
They happen in the nick of time.
58
Air.
The Editor.
Let tempests work their wildest will,
Let torrent-rain our meadows flood,
Ill were the wind, and worse than ill,
That blew to no man aught of good.
This hurricane that sweeps the skies,
One really almost might aver
'Twas sent express to advertise
Our Glycerine Barometer.
Let torrent-rain our meadows flood,
Ill were the wind, and worse than ill,
That blew to no man aught of good.
This hurricane that sweeps the skies,
One really almost might aver
'Twas sent express to advertise
Our Glycerine Barometer.
For marked ye not, on Tuesday last,
When Gordon Bennett flashed “Beware!
A dangerous gale is speeding fast
Towards your fated shores. Prepare!”
How in its tube the fluid fell,
And how the storm which would occur
It did to all the world foretell—
Our Glycerine Barometer.
When Gordon Bennett flashed “Beware!
A dangerous gale is speeding fast
Towards your fated shores. Prepare!”
How in its tube the fluid fell,
And how the storm which would occur
It did to all the world foretell—
Our Glycerine Barometer.
59
So was it published to mankind
What precious food the ‘Times’ supplies
To those who seek its page to find
The wisdom of the weather-wise.
To all the journals of the day
Such persons should our print prefer,
Since in its office hangs alway
A Glycerine Barometer.
What precious food the ‘Times’ supplies
To those who seek its page to find
The wisdom of the weather-wise.
To all the journals of the day
Such persons should our print prefer,
Since in its office hangs alway
A Glycerine Barometer.
One column of instructive stuff
They're sure to find—that one I mean
Which we must now with vigour puff,
And which consists of Glycerine.
For though our news be somewhat stale,
And though our views may sometimes err,
Nor novelty nor truth can fail
Our Glycerine Barometer.
They're sure to find—that one I mean
Which we must now with vigour puff,
And which consists of Glycerine.
For though our news be somewhat stale,
And though our views may sometimes err,
Nor novelty nor truth can fail
Our Glycerine Barometer.
What if a daily hash we make
Of names, dates, titles, and degrees,
If rank as Colonels Captains take
And “Barts.” descend to K.C.B.'s?
What if our “reader” takes no heed
And printers' errors oft recur?
At least we acurately read
Our Glycerine Barometer.
Of names, dates, titles, and degrees,
60
And “Barts.” descend to K.C.B.'s?
What if our “reader” takes no heed
And printers' errors oft recur?
At least we acurately read
Our Glycerine Barometer.
What if of news on every lip
No notice in the ‘Times’ appears,
And frightful gas explosions slip
Unheeded past our dreaming ears?
At least our vigilance is good
For signs of atmospheric stir:
No surreptitious storms elude
Our Glycerine Barometer.
(A pause. Then somewhat sadly:)
No notice in the ‘Times’ appears,
And frightful gas explosions slip
Unheeded past our dreaming ears?
At least our vigilance is good
For signs of atmospheric stir:
No surreptitious storms elude
Our Glycerine Barometer.
Yet in my joy—'tis always so—
A seed of bitterness is hid:
“Leporum fonte medio
Amari surgit aliquid.”
I see, and not without a shock,
New triumphs older glories blur,
And mourn our famous Weathercock
Outshone by our Barometer.
A seed of bitterness is hid:
“Leporum fonte medio
Amari surgit aliquid.”
61
New triumphs older glories blur,
And mourn our famous Weathercock
Outshone by our Barometer.
62
THE FUN OF IT.
(1880.)
“No one gives us any fun.” . . . .—Spectator, Dec. 11.
'Tis very true, thou thoughtful Print;
Of that same fun thou hankerest after
There seems just now a certain stint
In manufactories of laughter.
Of that same fun thou hankerest after
There seems just now a certain stint
In manufactories of laughter.
Yet deem not, good Spectator, pray,
That we poor melancholy creatures
Find not in politics to-day
Abundance of amusing features.
That we poor melancholy creatures
Find not in politics to-day
Abundance of amusing features.
'Tis funny—every one must own,
Without distinction, Whig and Tory—
This Ireland paralysed and prone,
Her neck beneath the foot of Rory.
Without distinction, Whig and Tory—
This Ireland paralysed and prone,
Her neck beneath the foot of Rory.
63
Droll in themselves her troubles are;
And judges note at each assizes
Their wealth of incidents bizarre,
Their fruitfulness in quaint surprises.
And judges note at each assizes
Their wealth of incidents bizarre,
Their fruitfulness in quaint surprises.
We all enjoy—as who would not?—
The “points” in the agrarian battle:
The tenants tortured, landlords shot;
The tail-docked sheep, the hamstrung cattle;
The “points” in the agrarian battle:
The tenants tortured, landlords shot;
The tail-docked sheep, the hamstrung cattle;
The rude art-work of Rory's pen,
Symbolical of threatened lives;
The graves of yet unmurdered men
Absurdly dug in carriage-drives.
Symbolical of threatened lives;
The graves of yet unmurdered men
Absurdly dug in carriage-drives.
We mark the comic element
That visible in Boycott's fate is,
The forty score of troopers sent
To help get in the Captain's “praties.”
That visible in Boycott's fate is,
The forty score of troopers sent
To help get in the Captain's “praties.”
64
We see the joke when pale police
Entreat a man to curb his anger
And take his cudgelling in peace,
Or “all their lives” would be in danger.
Entreat a man to curb his anger
And take his cudgelling in peace,
Or “all their lives” would be in danger.
We feel the humour of reports
That, where the Queen's writ runs no longer,
There the Land-Leaguers' mimic courts
(Less learned than “the Four”—but stronger)
That, where the Queen's writ runs no longer,
There the Land-Leaguers' mimic courts
(Less learned than “the Four”—but stronger)
Make orders instantly obeyed;
Give judgments, unreviewed for error;
And wield, in short, that playful blade,
The dagger of the Irish Terror.
Give judgments, unreviewed for error;
And wield, in short, that playful blade,
The dagger of the Irish Terror.
These things divert; but underneath
There lies this piece of broader humour,
That while the patient bleeds to death
The doctors' strife engrosses Rumour.
There lies this piece of broader humour,
That while the patient bleeds to death
The doctors' strife engrosses Rumour.
65
Law, Order, Life kept waiting on
The wrangling, fumbling legislator!
That joke's too plain for mother's son
To miss, I take it, dear Spectator.
The wrangling, fumbling legislator!
That joke's too plain for mother's son
To miss, I take it, dear Spectator.
So if to laugh we are not quick,
Although we own the jest so gladly,
Ascribe it to our English trick
Of taking all our pleasures sadly.
Although we own the jest so gladly,
Ascribe it to our English trick
Of taking all our pleasures sadly.
Just so should we, I dare to say,
In Rome's most famous conflagration,
Have viewed in the same stolid way
The humours of the situation;
In Rome's most famous conflagration,
Have viewed in the same stolid way
The humours of the situation;
Nor, as we watched the city burn,
Should we (for man's so strange a riddle)
Have yearned, as you appear to yearn,
For the brisk notes of Nero's fiddle.
Should we (for man's so strange a riddle)
Have yearned, as you appear to yearn,
For the brisk notes of Nero's fiddle.
66
“DOWN TO DESSERT.”
(1881.)
Non nobis! The dinner is over,
Speed waiters the table to clear;
Disappears through the door the last cover—
But stay! what new guests have we here?
Who are these who come wearily trooping—
A strange unpresentable crowd,
With shoulders ungracefully stooping,
And knees somewhat awkwardly bowed;
In whose faces, though lacking in fulness,
The careful observer descries,
To redeem them from absolute dulness,
The wolf's most expressive of eyes?
The remains of the feast they examine
With hunger's keen glances alert:
Can it be that these children of Famine
Are only asked in to dessert?
Speed waiters the table to clear;
Disappears through the door the last cover—
But stay! what new guests have we here?
Who are these who come wearily trooping—
A strange unpresentable crowd,
With shoulders ungracefully stooping,
And knees somewhat awkwardly bowed;
In whose faces, though lacking in fulness,
The careful observer descries,
To redeem them from absolute dulness,
The wolf's most expressive of eyes?
67
With hunger's keen glances alert:
Can it be that these children of Famine
Are only asked in to dessert?
Can it be? Yes, it certainly can be:
The host, with magnificent air,
Bids welcome each want-stricken man be,
And leads him in state to a chair.
“My friends!” he exclaims with emotion,
“Your dinner, I fear will be small;
But, believe me, I hadn't a notion
You cared about dinners at all.
To forget that extreme inanition
Disposes a man to a meal
Was—was .... well, of course, an omission,
As now I regretfully feel.
But the moment I heard you'd expected
Your ‘cards’ would be sent, and were hurt
At the thought that your claims were neglected
I asked you at once to dessert.
The host, with magnificent air,
Bids welcome each want-stricken man be,
And leads him in state to a chair.
“My friends!” he exclaims with emotion,
“Your dinner, I fear will be small;
But, believe me, I hadn't a notion
You cared about dinners at all.
To forget that extreme inanition
Disposes a man to a meal
Was—was .... well, of course, an omission,
As now I regretfully feel.
But the moment I heard you'd expected
Your ‘cards’ would be sent, and were hurt
68
I asked you at once to dessert.
“But should I keep talking for ever
The past I should fail to undo;
So, late being better than never,
I beg you at once to fall to.
The prime haunch of venison is finished,
The saddle of mutton all gone,
The baron of beef is diminished
To yon undesirable bone.
But we've gooseberries crimson and yellow,
And strawberries (best without cream);
Those plums are delightfully mellow,
Those nuts—though I say it—supreme.
On those olives—best French, I assure you—
Your powers of consumption exert;
No pains have been spared to procure you
A truly recherché dessert.”
The past I should fail to undo;
So, late being better than never,
I beg you at once to fall to.
The prime haunch of venison is finished,
The saddle of mutton all gone,
The baron of beef is diminished
To yon undesirable bone.
But we've gooseberries crimson and yellow,
And strawberries (best without cream);
Those plums are delightfully mellow,
Those nuts—though I say it—supreme.
On those olives—best French, I assure you—
Your powers of consumption exert;
No pains have been spared to procure you
A truly recherché dessert.”
69
Oh, Gladstone! look well at that table!
Look well at it, Forster and Bright!
De vobis narratur my fable:
Can none of you read it aright?
When the strong meats of land-confiscation
Were dressed for the peasant's repast,
Was it really humane legislation
To think of the hungriest last?
It is not very pleasant perceiving
That you who that banquet have spread
Could so quietly contemplate leaving
These poor squalid wretches unfed;
That the fruits of your cutting and carving
To tenants alone should revert,
And the labourer, landless and starving,
Be only “brought down to dessert.”
Look well at it, Forster and Bright!
De vobis narratur my fable:
Can none of you read it aright?
When the strong meats of land-confiscation
Were dressed for the peasant's repast,
Was it really humane legislation
To think of the hungriest last?
It is not very pleasant perceiving
That you who that banquet have spread
Could so quietly contemplate leaving
These poor squalid wretches unfed;
That the fruits of your cutting and carving
To tenants alone should revert,
And the labourer, landless and starving,
Be only “brought down to dessert.”
70
THE PATRIARCH'S HOME-COMING.
(1881.)
Beyond the Vaal, in those wild lands,
The “simple scriptural people's” seat,
A farmstead in the gloaming stands
Alert its lord's return to greet.
The “simple scriptural people's” seat,
A farmstead in the gloaming stands
Alert its lord's return to greet.
The clean-swept floor, the dusted shelf;
The new-lit lamp's expectant look;
The trim array of shining delf;
The arm-chair in the ingle-nook;
The new-lit lamp's expectant look;
The trim array of shining delf;
The arm-chair in the ingle-nook;
The cosy curtains close drawn in;
The housewife listening at the door
With hand upraised to hush the din
Of younker-gambols on the floor;
The housewife listening at the door
With hand upraised to hush the din
Of younker-gambols on the floor;
71
All tell a tale of anxious love;
While, open on the window-seat,
A Bible's well-thumbed pages prove
Where fears and faith's assurance meet.
While, open on the window-seat,
A Bible's well-thumbed pages prove
Where fears and faith's assurance meet.
But hark! that sound! a horse's neigh,
The lowing of a startled steer,
The tramp of hoofs upon the way;
“It is! it is! my Piet is here!”
The lowing of a startled steer,
The tramp of hoofs upon the way;
“It is! it is! my Piet is here!”
O sanctity of wife-embrace!
Let none with supercilious shrug
Deride a simple scriptural race
Who thus can conjugally hug.
Let none with supercilious shrug
Deride a simple scriptural race
Who thus can conjugally hug.
And now when kissed were wife and child
“Say, Piet, 'tis not bad luck again?”
Cried anxious wife: the husband smiled
And pointed proudly at his train.
“Say, Piet, 'tis not bad luck again?”
Cried anxious wife: the husband smiled
And pointed proudly at his train.
72
“Look, Vrow!” he said: and at the view
She turned, her tears of joy to hide.
“I knew it would be so! I knew
The Lord,” she murmured, “would provide!
She turned, her tears of joy to hide.
“I knew it would be so! I knew
The Lord,” she murmured, “would provide!
“I prayed; and waited free from fear
Till he should bring you back once more
Victorious of your bow and spear,
Blest in your basket and your store.
Till he should bring you back once more
Victorious of your bow and spear,
Blest in your basket and your store.
“And lo! He puts some dozen head
Of noble beasts within your reach,
With many a fine large Kaffir maid
Well worth at least ten shillings each!
Of noble beasts within your reach,
With many a fine large Kaffir maid
Well worth at least ten shillings each!
“So now, my Piet, with heartfelt thanks
Break we the Christian's humble bread:
Tether the cattle in their ranks,
And put the hussies in the shed!”
Break we the Christian's humble bread:
Tether the cattle in their ranks,
And put the hussies in the shed!”
73
Then they two, with no formal grace,
But asking, as from hearts that feel,
A benediction, took their place
Before their frugal evening meal.
But asking, as from hearts that feel,
A benediction, took their place
Before their frugal evening meal.
And many a sympathetic prayer
From Radicals beyond the sea
Was breathed above the worthy pair
And blessed their simple scriptural tea.
From Radicals beyond the sea
Was breathed above the worthy pair
And blessed their simple scriptural tea.
74
THE MODEST POSTULATES.
(1880.)
Let it be granted that mankind
Put off all passions sinister,
And got a new and virtuous mind
When we got our new Minister;
Put off all passions sinister,
And got a new and virtuous mind
When we got our new Minister;
Let it be granted we have found
That Gladstone's mere arising
The long-divided world has bound
In brotherhood surprising;
That Gladstone's mere arising
The long-divided world has bound
In brotherhood surprising;
That Russians from their plots desist,
And find a solace sweeter
In working out the will of Christ
Than any Will of Peter;
And find a solace sweeter
In working out the will of Christ
Than any Will of Peter;
75
That Italy now no longer dreams
A new Trentine Magenta;
That Austria cares not who redeems
Italia Irredenta;
A new Trentine Magenta;
That Austria cares not who redeems
Italia Irredenta;
That Germany suspects not France,
That France forgives her neighbour;
And both lead off the Arcadian dance
With pastoral pipe and tabor;
That France forgives her neighbour;
And both lead off the Arcadian dance
With pastoral pipe and tabor;
That men are dragged from plough and desk
And armed and drilled by millions
Merely to make more picturesque
Millennial cotillons;
And armed and drilled by millions
Merely to make more picturesque
Millennial cotillons;
That all the nations, in a word,
Our Gladstone's visions now share,
And yearn to turn the spear and sword
To pruning-hook and ploughshare;
Our Gladstone's visions now share,
And yearn to turn the spear and sword
To pruning-hook and ploughshare;
76
That envy, restlessness, and dread,
And sleepless-eyed suspicion,
And hope, and hate, and greed are dead
And buried—with ambition;
And sleepless-eyed suspicion,
And hope, and hate, and greed are dead
And buried—with ambition;
That no one fears to lose his own,
Or other's goods has wanted:
Be these our postulates alone;
Let only these be granted,
Or other's goods has wanted:
Be these our postulates alone;
Let only these be granted,
And we may sing our Q.E.D.
With lawful jubilation;
For “Europe's Concert” proved will be
By force of “demonstration.”
With lawful jubilation;
For “Europe's Concert” proved will be
By force of “demonstration.”
77
WHAT SHALL WE THINK OF THE KURDS?
(1880.)
Worshipful patrons of “young nationalities,”
Ardent promoters of “movements of race,”
Learned in Destinies, Forces, Fatalities,
Help us to settle a troublesome case.
For proper bestowing
Of sympathies glowing
We feel a solicitude stronger than words;
So, please, a suggestion
For solving the question
Of what should be thought of the Kurds.
Ardent promoters of “movements of race,”
Learned in Destinies, Forces, Fatalities,
Help us to settle a troublesome case.
For proper bestowing
Of sympathies glowing
We feel a solicitude stronger than words;
So, please, a suggestion
For solving the question
Of what should be thought of the Kurds.
How should it act on our moral economy
Tidings to get of Abdullah the Sheikh
Boldly proclaiming a Kurdish autonomy,
Just as it might be Slavonic or Greek?
This being read of him,
What's to be said of him—
He who this national movement has stirred?
How should we meet it,
How properly treat it—
The raid of this vigorous Kurd?
Tidings to get of Abdullah the Sheikh
78
Just as it might be Slavonic or Greek?
This being read of him,
What's to be said of him—
He who this national movement has stirred?
How should we meet it,
How properly treat it—
The raid of this vigorous Kurd?
Turkey we all of us know is “unspeakable;”
Persia is “cruel, corrupt, and effete;”
Should we, then, hope that Abdullah's a Sheikh able
Sultan and Shah and their armies to beat?
Does he, like Hofer,
A tyrant to “go for,”
A sword of deliverance valiantly gird?
Ought we to pray for him?
Ought we to say for him
Go it, my patriot Kurd?
Persia is “cruel, corrupt, and effete;”
Should we, then, hope that Abdullah's a Sheikh able
Sultan and Shah and their armies to beat?
Does he, like Hofer,
A tyrant to “go for,”
A sword of deliverance valiantly gird?
Ought we to pray for him?
Ought we to say for him
Go it, my patriot Kurd?
79
Or shall we check sentimental intensities
While we recall the repute of the tribe,
Persons to whom certain ugly propensities
Common report has been wont to ascribe—
A proneness unpleasant
To harry the peasant,
His homestead to wreck and to seize on his herds,
To ravish and slaughter
Wife, grandam, and daughter—
For that is the way of the Kurds?
While we recall the repute of the tribe,
Persons to whom certain ugly propensities
Common report has been wont to ascribe—
A proneness unpleasant
To harry the peasant,
His homestead to wreck and to seize on his herds,
To ravish and slaughter
Wife, grandam, and daughter—
For that is the way of the Kurds?
Say, shall we then to an infamous State or to
Infamous subjects our favour refuse?
Answer us, sweet casuistic Spectator, do!
Prithee enlighten us, good Daily News!
Let us know whether,
Comparing by feather
These most disagreeably similar birds,
Morality's letter
And spirit go better
With blessing or banning the Kurds.
Infamous subjects our favour refuse?
Answer us, sweet casuistic Spectator, do!
Prithee enlighten us, good Daily News!
Let us know whether,
Comparing by feather
These most disagreeably similar birds,
Morality's letter
And spirit go better
With blessing or banning the Kurds.
80
Can we wish well to the cause of autocracy,
Knowing the sins of the Sultan and Shah?
Can we for triumph of Kurdish democracy—
Triumph of murderous brigands—hurrah?
Or would it be moral,
In view of this quarrel,
Impartial dislike to distribute in thirds:
Two parts of aversion
For Turk and for Persian,
Remainder reserved for the Kurds?
Knowing the sins of the Sultan and Shah?
Can we for triumph of Kurdish democracy—
Triumph of murderous brigands—hurrah?
Or would it be moral,
In view of this quarrel,
Impartial dislike to distribute in thirds:
Two parts of aversion
For Turk and for Persian,
Remainder reserved for the Kurds?
81
A CONGRATULATORY ODE.
(1878.)
[_]
[The true version of the congratulatory Latin ode addressed to the Berlin Congress by “the well-known German poet Gustave Schwetschke,” and “distributed by Prince Bismarck's request among the Plenipotentiaries”—none other being genuine.]
Rideamus igitur,
Socii Congressus;
Post dolores bellicosos,
Post labores bumptiosos,
Fit mirandus messus.
Socii Congressus;
Post dolores bellicosos,
Post labores bumptiosos,
Fit mirandus messus.
Ubi sunt qui apud nos
Lites litigâre,
Moldo-Wallachæ frementes,
Græculi esurientes?
Heu! absquatulâre.
Lites litigâre,
82
Græculi esurientes?
Heu! absquatulâre.
Ubi sunt provinciæ
Quas est laus pacâsse?
Totæ, totæ sunt partitæ:
Has tulerunt Muscovitæ,
Illas Count Andrassy.
Quas est laus pacâsse?
Totæ, totæ sunt partitæ:
Has tulerunt Muscovitæ,
Illas Count Andrassy.
Et quid est quod Angliæ
Dedit hic Congressus?
Jus pro aliis pugnandi,
Mortuum vivificandi—
Splendidi successus!
Dedit hic Congressus?
Jus pro aliis pugnandi,
Mortuum vivificandi—
Splendidi successus!
Vult Joannes decipi
Et bamboosulatur.
Io Beacche! Quæ majestas!
Ostreæ reportans testas
Domum gloriatur!
Et bamboosulatur.
Io Beacche! Quæ majestas!
Ostreæ reportans testas
Domum gloriatur!
83
A LITERARY “CAUSE CÉLÈBRE.
(1876.)
Here he comes! The paper, Mary. Ah, good morning, Dudley James.
'Ave you read this libel haction—this 'ere case of—what's their names?
Oh, Buchanan vussus Taylor—there's a lesson, lad, for you
In them singerlar proceedins; take and read 'em, Dudley, do.
You who've caused so much disquiet both to me and to your ma,
Not to say your aunt Jemima, where your expectations are.
84
Since you took to dress in velvet and knocked off your dinner-beer,
Took to wear your collars lower and asoomed a moody stare;
'Ad a row with Snipp's assistant when he come to cut your 'air;
Took to moonin' round the counter, muttrin' “lines to” doose knows what,
Hodes and sonnicks, songs and ballids—and the other rhymin' rot;
Changed your short black cutty for a dangling German chaney pipe
And refused to join the fam'ly at the evenin' meal of tripe;
Wouldn't take your ma o' Sundays to the “Welsh Harp” in the shay,
But remained at home to finish your “Romaunt of Pegwell Bay.”
85
I've observed your haspirations after a poetic fame—
“Fame himmortal,” if you please—for nothing short of that will do.
Trade is low and butter vulgar—poetry's the line for you!
Now, my boy, just read that haction—that'll tell you what they are,
These 'ere poets that are soarin' o'er our 'eads so jolly far.
Parts of it I 'ardly follered, but its English seems to be,
Messrs Swinbun and Buchanan can't agree to disagree.
Mr B. he wrote a satter, — droppin' down on Mr S.,
And complainin' as his werses were a little too “undress.”
86
“What! you call my werse indecent? Gammon! it's the pot and kettle.”
So he ups and slates Buchanan, calls him all the 'orrid names
He can take and lay his tongue to—which is plenty, Dudley James—
Treats the hother as a hinsect, looked at thro' the microscope
By a far superior being — which is funny, let us 'ope.
That, of course, annoys Buchanan, and he “counters” with a will,
Calling Mr S. a “monkey” — which, let's 'ope, is funnier still.
Then they drops it for a season (this occurred in '71).
But you don't know much of poets if you think the war was done.
87
Once again: “Oho!” says Swinbun, keepin' very calm and cool,
“Here's that hodious Buchanan at his dirty game again
Sure as death. There can't be no one else among the race of men
Who could think my werse indecent.” So he lets him 'ave it 'ot;
Shied the mud he'd shied before, and shied some more that he had not.
When Buchanan's all bespattered, then—most 'orrible of sells—
Lo be'old yer! “Jonas Fisher” proves to be by summun else.
'Ence the haction which that plucky Mr Peter Taylor fights.
That you see's what comes of printin' what a hangry poet writes.
88
Dippin' in their scoops to try 'em like my cheeses, through the rines!
Tastin' this and smellin' t'other. “Isn't this a little strong?”
“Call that pure?” “Well, what of this now, for a hammatory song?”
Yes, by George, I never laughed so 'earty, nor I never shall,
As at earin' Mr 'Awkins read about that Injin gal,
And the cuddlin' in the forest! Well, per'aps it meant no harm,
Still the author owned hisself the scene was just a trifle warm.
Then, of course, Buchanan's counsel—he was not agoin' to fail;
So he dropped upon the “fleshlies” right and left and tooth and nail!
89
Says the judge, “A style of poitry 'ighly to be deprecated!”
Well, the upshot was Buchanan gets his verdict safe and sound,
And he comes on Mr Taylor for a hundern-fifty pound.
But, Lord love you, my dear Dudley, what a foolish price to pay!
What a terrible exposy for the poets of the day!
I dun know about their poems, which is dirty, which is clean;
As to Mr Swinbun's “Ballids”—blowed if I know what they mean!
So I gev my Jane a copy on her birthday last July
Bound as natty as you please in blue morocker—for, says I,
90
She's a doosed sight more 'andy guessin' riddles than her Pa!
But to think of them two poets showin' up each other's lines
For the benefit of us the—what d'you call it?—Philistines.
Passion, fancy, light and sweetness — well, maybe they've got 'em all;
But they've one thing undeweloped — gumption: that's uncommon small!
Why, when Briggs in hopen westry cheeked me—you remember, Dud,
Makin' insolent allusions to my butter as Thames mud—
Did I go to lawr about it—hugly-tempered as I am?
Did I sue old Briggs for libel, defamation? Not for Sam!
91
And my butter—well mud's 'umbug, but — 'taint always quite the thing!
And although I know a thing or two about old Briggs's tea,
“Boshy butter” don't get nicer by denouncin' “dirt-Bohea.”
What's the good of each exposin' t'other's tricks of trade on hoath?
Plaintiff wins, or p'raps defendant, but the neighbours laugh at both;
Yet you find the “'igher intlek” blind to facs as plain as this—
Facs which any common tradesman's too much common-sense to miss.
Yes, my boy, this ought to cure you—reverations such as these.
You will stick to butter, Dudley—butter, bacon, heggs, and cheese,
92
Bringin' out their little wash-tubs, stupid-like, in hopen court;
And—to dab each other's faces with the soapy froth and foam—
Washed their dirty clothes in public, which they might have washed at 'ome!
| Recaptured Rhymes | |