University of Virginia Library

The Judgment of Paris. DIALOGUE.

Jupiter, Mercury, Paris, and the three Goddesses.

Jup.
Hey! (Lacquay Mercury) appear!

Merc.
An't like your Majesty, I'me here.

Jupit.

Venus.
For my part, Father Jupiter,
I am content, and am so far
From questioning, much more refusing
Any for Judge is of thy choosing,
That I should never doubt the matter,
Were Momus self the Arbitrator,
And willingly to this submit,
Who, if he have or eyes, or wit,
Will surely understand the duty,
That he, and all men owe to Beauty;
And if my Rivals do consent,
For my part I am most content.

Juno.
I from the Sentence shall not budge,
Though Mars himself were to be Judge,
Although thy Paramour he be,
And likely to incline to thee.

Jupit.
Art thou Minerva too agreed?
She blushes, and holds down her head.
But modesty's the Maiden's grace;
Besides I hate a brazen face,
And thou wert vertuously rear'd,
Maids should be seen, they say, not heard.
Therefore I see thou'rt too content,
And modest silence gives consent.
Go on then in a happy hour.
And let not those who lose look sowre,
Stomack th'award, nor bear a grudge
To him whom I have made your Judge:
For there is but one Golden Ball,
Which can't be given to you all,
Nor yet can several Beauties strike
The young mans liking all alike,
And therefore he must giv't to one,
Or keep't himself, and give it none.

Merc.
Come now y'ave heard your charge, I pray,
Let us be jogging, Ladies gay,
And set forth towards Phrygia;
I'le lead the best and nearest way,
That you may neither stop nor stay,
For such wild Cattle often stray.
And for the bus'ness of the Ball,
Never concern your selves at all,
I know this Paris well enough,
And of his dealing have had proof:
He is a very honest Younker,
A bonny Lad, and a great Puncker
As out on's sight did ever thrust his—
I warrant you he'l do you justice.

Venus.
The Character thou giv'st the Youth,
Does even ravish me in truth,
I've heard none such this many a day:
But is he marry'd, prethee say?

Merc.
He was a Batchellor last Friday;
But he a

Oenone.

Sweet-heart has on Ida,
If I mistake not; but she is
Some course, some home-spun, Rustick piece,
That only now and then attends him,
To draw the humor out offends him,
A necessary piece of wealth,
To keep his body in good health,
With whom he playes to help digestion:
But what makes thee to ask that question?

Venus.
I know not how it came to pass,
Of something else I thinking was.

Pallas.
You nimble (Monsieur Merc'ry) there
Captain Conductor, do you hear,
You ill discharge your trust (I trow)
To hold discourse, and whisper so
With Madam Venus on the way;
Is that in your Commission, pray?

Merc.
Why, if to pass the time we chat,
What can you (Madam) make of that?
'Twas no such secret, never fear it,
That we talk't of, but you may hear it:
She only ask't if Paris were
A marry'd man, or Batcheller.

Pallas.
And good-now, what is that to her?

Merc.
Nay, what know I (my Lady sine)
She sayes it was without design.

Pallas.
And is he marry'd?

Merc.
I think not;
For why should he be such a Sot,
As to go tye himself to one,
When all he speaks to are his own?

Pallas.
What! is the fellow a meer Bumkin?
A down right Clod, or has he something
Of honor and ambition in him;
For thou it seems hast often seen him?

Merc.
Why faith! the Fellow being young,
Of active limbs, and pretty strong,
And being Son unto a King,
I think he would give any thing,
Nay (on my Conscience) half his Cattle,
To signalize himself in Battle,
And would be glad 'mongst armed Bands,
To shew how tall he is on's hands,
Alwayes provided in the case
The Roysters would not spoil his face.

Venus.
Why, look you now, I can connive at
Your two discoursing thus in private,
Who though you have much longer chatted,
Yet you see I'me not angry at it.
I'me of another kind of nature,
And no such froward, snappish Creature.

Merc.
Nor is there cause here, I assure ye,
To put your Ladiship in fury;
For all she ask't me was no more
But just the same you did before,
And I return'd in answer too
The same to her I did to you:
But yet this little snapping Fray,
Has help't well onward on our way;
Help't us well onward only, said I!
Why we're past all the Stars already,
And over Phrygia now are come,
And so, fair Ladies, welcome home.
And see, sweet Charges, I have spy'd
The famous Mount ycleped Ide,
And now I come a little nigher,
I think I see your Apple-squire.

Juno.
Where abouts is he, prethee shew,
For hang me if I see him now?

Merc.
A little on your left hand, Madam,
Driving his Flocks I think to shade 'um.
O'th side of the high Mountain yonder,
You there may see your Costard-monger.
His flock lies open to your view,
And yonder is his Cabbin too.

Juno.
Where is this Youngster with a Pox,
I see no Cabbins, nor no Flocks.

Merc.
A better pair of eyes Jove send ye,
I doubt your Boon-grace does offend ye,
Your Maid'nhead hangs not in your light,
Jove is too good a Carpet Knight;
I ne're saw th'like in all my dayes,
Why he's as plain as Nose on face.
Guide your eye by my finger here,
Do you not see some Flocks appear
Comming from out yon Rocks, pray speak,
And one with Sheep-hook on his neck,
Sending his Curr to fetch 'um in?
They'r plain enough sure to be seen!

Juno.
Oh, now I see'm, is that the Youth?

Merc.
That Madam's even he in truth:
But now that we are got so near,
I think it good discretion were,
That ere we further go, we here
Do make our stop, and light, for fear,
Lest whilst on us he least is studdying,
Flutt'ring about his ears o'th'sudden,
We should perhaps affright him so
That the poor Shepheard should not know,
Nor what to think, nor what to do.
And he, who to determine is,
Of such a Tickle-point as this,
Had need to have his wits about him.

Juno.
Which if he have, I nothing doubt him.
So now w'are down, and now I pray,
Let gooddy Venus lead the way,
For doubtless she, of all the rest,
Most reason has to know it best,
As having oft to feed her vices,
Been here to seek her friend Anchises.

Venus.
Well Governess of Heav'ns Commander,
It is well known thy tongue's no slander,
Slander to her who slander broaches,
I scorn both thee, and thy reproaches.

Merc.
Fy! (Ladies) fy! is this your breeding,
To squabble now you come to pleading!
But I shall this dispute decide,
I my own self will be your guide;
For I remember well when Jove
Unto young Ganimede made love,
I often on this Hill did light
To see the little Favourite,
To bring him Plums, and Mackaroons,
Which welcome are to such small Grooms,
And when he carry'd him away,
I flew about 'um all the way,
To hold him up, and we must be
Neer to the place; for now I see
(Or I mistake) the very Rock
Where he sate piping to his flock,
When Jupiter in shape of Eagle,
Came the young stripling to inveigle,
And seizing him like any Sparrow,
With his beak holding his Tiara
To make him sure, as swift as Hobby
He bare him into Heavens Lobby,
Whilst the poor Boy, half dead with fear,
Writh'd back to view his Spiriter,
And then it was, that he let fall
The Flute he piping was withal,
When I, who will no gain let go by,
Seeing my time, catch't up the Hoboy:
But here is your Commissioner
Of Oyer, and of Terminer,
Let's civilly salute him, pray,
And give his Lordship time o'th' day.
Good day, thou top of Shepheards Fame.

Paris.
To thee (fair Son) I wish the same.
What Ladies are these pretty faces,
Thou lead'st into these desert places?
They are too fine, and tender sure,
These scratching Brambles to endure.

Merc.
Ladies! thou (Paris) moov'st my laughter,
They'r Deities ev'ry Mothers Daughter.
You have before you, I'de have you know,
Venus, Minerva, and Queen Juno.
'Tis truth I tell you (Sir) and I
Am Cavaliero Mercury.
What! thou turn'st colour (my good friend)
And seem'st to be at thy wits end;
Take courage (Paris) I exhort thee,
We are not hither come to hurt thee;
But 'cause thy Judgment we approve,
'Bove others in affairs of Love,
And know thee for a Fornicator,
We come to make thee Arbitrator,
Of a long suit these Goddesses
Depending have i'th' Common-pleas,
About priority of Beauty:
And therefore (Paris) do thy duty.
As to the rest the Victors meed,
Thou may'st about this Apple read.

Paris.
Let's see't. Hump! what is written here?
Give this unto the Fairest Fair.
Great Gods! how should a mortal wit
Be able to determine it!
Too mean mans skill without dispute is,
To judge of your immortal Beauties!
To judge of such Cœlestial Lasses,
A Swains capacity surpasses!
Or if that any humane wit
Were capable of doing it.
Some Courtier it should be no doubt,
Much rather than a Collin Clout.
If I were put to it to tell
Which of my sheep does bear the Bell;
Or to point out the fairest Goat;
I'de guess with any for a Groat;
And I have such good Judgment in it,
That peradventure I might win it:
But these are Beauties so divine,
And all with such perfections shine,
That a man's eye has much ado
T'leave one to look on th'other two:
But with the first's so captivated,
From thence he hardly can translate it;
But 'tis there riveted, concluding
That fairest is without disputing.
Besides (to speak the truth) my sight
So dazzled is with so much light
Of Heav'nly Beauty, that I vow.
Two eyes methinks are not enow;
But I at such a time as this
Would be all eyes, as Argus is,
With fuller sight to look upon
So much, so rare perfections.
And yet, ev'n in that state, I fear,
One being wife to Jupiter,
The other two his Daughters, I
Should do very imprudently,
In a contest of this high nature,
As this for preference of Feature,
Either to meddle, or to make:
But as they brew, so let 'um bake.

Merc.
You sometimes may discretion use,
But here you can nor will, nor choose;
Jupiter sayes it shall be so,
And what that means you needs must know.
'Tis then in vain to prate, and babble,
His orders are irrevocable.

Paris.
Why then have at 'um! and let those
Whose luck 'twill be the prize to lose,
Blame their ill fortune, and not me;
For I can please but one of three.

Merc.
Nay they'r all bound to that already,
To judgment therefore, and be speedy.

Paris.
Why seeing that it must be so,
Stand out (fair Ladies) all arow:
But first (Sir Mercury) I would know
If I may see 'um nak'd or no:
For womens chief perfections do
Lye underneath their cloths below,
Which they must either naked show,
And strip themselves from top to toe,
And ev'ry Goddess lay her tail
As bare, and naked as my nail,
That I may see out of the case,
All things as well as hands as face;
Or I shall never be so wise,
Where I can have no use of eyes,
With Justice to award the prize.

Merc.
Why thou art Dominus factotum,
And may'st at will unpetticoat 'um.

Paris.
Why then, if I may rule the roast,
I affect naked women most,
And therefore Merc'ry so present 'um,
I may see all that Jove has sent 'um.

Merc.
Come Ladies, blanch you to your skins,
'Tis but a penance for your sins,
And what you are oblig'd to do;
Your Governour will have it so.
And whilst your Judge with learing eyes
Into each chink and cranny pries,
Of all your curiosities,
I'le be so civil, or so wise,
Least any mischief should arise,
To turn my back, which is of all
Respects the most unnatural;
And whilst your treasures you display,
Turn my Calves-head another way.

Venus.
Why an't be for your Worships ease,
You may e'en do so if you please:
But otherwise (my modest Don)
Some here can abide looking on,
And though you are a nimble one,
Let our apparel but alone,
And there is nothing I dare say,
Your modesty can steal away.
In the mean time Gramercy Paris!
He loves I see that play that fair is,
And most judiciously has spoken;
He will not buy a Pig a poke in:
But wisely will bring all things out,
And see within doors, and without,
And I will shew thee such a sight,
That if thou hast an appetite,
And art indeed a true bred Cock,
When I pull off my Cambrick Smock,
Shall make thee glory in thy being,
And bless Jove for thy sense of Seeing:
Thou'lt then see I not only have
Eyes, cheeks, and lips, that can enslave,
And outward beauties (or else some lye)
As captivating, and as comely,
As either Juno's here, or hers,
Who stand my fair Competitors:
But such a skin so smooth and supple,
Of leggs so white a parting couple,
Such knees, such thighs, and such a Bumm,
And such a, such a Modicum,
Shall make thy melting mouth to water,
Perhaps by fits for seav'n years after.

Pal.
Take heed (young Paris) thou'rt a Novice,
And that the cunning Dame of Love is;
Look not upon her, 'tis not best,
Until she have put off her Cest;
For she's a Sorceress, and carries
Enchantments in it, Monsieur Paris.
She's nought but treachery and treason,
Nor to say truly is it reason,
Now that her Beauty's brought to th'test,
That she should come so finely drest,
Like a patch't Minx, and painted Whore:
But when she comes her Judge before,
As she came into th'world, I take it,
Should appear open, plain, and naked,
Stript of her pouncings, and devices,
Her shifts, her tricks, and artifices.

Paris.
Troth she speaks reason, come lay by
That tawdry Girdle presently.

Venus.
Make her her Helmet then lay by,
She shall be strip't as well as I,
There's no enchantment in my Cest:
But that same Cask has such a Crest,
As is enough to look on it,
To fright a Shepherd out on's wit.
Sure she's afraid that her blew eyes
Want power to obtain the prize,
And if she finds they cannot do't,
She means to fright, or beat thee to't,
And I commend her wisdom truly,
For her blew eyes will come off blewly.

Pallas.
No, I as thee as soon will strip,
And for to please your Ladiship,
There lies the over-awing Crest.

Venus.
'Tis very brave, and there's my Cest.

Juno.
Fie, what a tedious work you make it,
Let's strip, I long to be stark naked;
And now we naked are (Sir Paris)
Consider pray which the most fair is.

Paris.
I marry here's a sight worth seeing,
Though one had spent's estate in seeing.
Oh what rare flesh, what excellencies
What dainty, Super-dainty wenches,
What a brave Lass is Madam Pall!
What state does Juno move withal!
By which 'tis evident they are,
Daughter and Wife to Jupiter.
But Venus is indeed a Pearl;
Did ever man see such a Girle?
Oh what a lovely face is there!
What crisped locks of Amber hair!
What a white neck! what Breasts! what shoulders!
Belly! and Back to catch beholders!
What hips! what haunches! what care thighs!
Enough to make the dead to rise!
To which, in love I'me not so simple,
But to observe she has a dimple,
And such a one, as who would not
Put all his flesh into the Pot!
In fine (as good Sir Martyn sayes)
I have not wit enough to praise
The several Beauties, and the Graces,
Adorn them all in all their places.
The sight whereof's a happiness
Too great for tongue, or pen t'express:
Nay, any one of them would be
Too much for mortal eye to see.
Yet since the mighty Jupiter
Has my poor Judgment priz'd so far,
As simple me a Judge to make;
That in my choice I mayn't mistake,
And thrust, like over-greedy Sot,
My Spoon into th'wrong Porridge pot,
Better to manifest my Art,
I'le study every one apart,
And view 'um one by one at leasure,
(Which also will prolong my pleasure.)
For in beholding them in Muster,
They do confound me so with lustre,
I shall my reputation loose,
And ne're know rightly how to choose.

Venus.
Content, my cause I nothing doubt,
And stare till both thy eyes start out.

Paris.
Why then let Madam Juno stay,
She's the best Woman (by my fah)
And whilst her beauties I admire,
I'le have the other two retire.

Juno.
Come on (Sir Paris) now survey me,
And turn me round, as thou wouldst ha 'me,
I'le stand, or lye, as thou dost pray me,
And moppe too, if thou'lt not betray me.
But when thou round about hast ey'd-me,
High, low, between, and ev'ry side me,
(Young Paris) I would thee advise,
In loving and in courteous wise,
To think that thy preserment lies,
In thy awarding me the prize.
And though I need not bribe, nor sue,
For that I know to be my due;
Yet if thou'lt favour me this day,
I'le make thee King of Asia.

Paris.
Troth I am not ambitious Madam,
And as for Kingdoms if I had 'um,
To King-it passes my poor skill,
And I should be a Shepheard still:
But this the short is, and the long,
I'le do your Majesty no wrong,
And now I've seen what I desire,
Be pleas'd I pray you to retire;
And send me Lady Pallas hither,
For I can't deal with two together.

Pallas.
Here (thou best Judge of best deserts)
Contemplate on Minerva's parts;
I hope, or thou deservest whipping,
Thou wilt give me the golden Pippin,
Which if thou dost (Youth mark me well)
I'le render thee invincible:
And whether thou with doughty Knight,
Arm'd, or unarm'd, shalt enter flight;
Nay with a Gyait, or an Ettin,
Thou ever shalt be sure to beat him.

Paris.
Lady, I never did delight in
This scurvy dang'rous thing, call'd fighting,
And therefore shall not be a dealer
In the commodity call'd valour.
Besides my Fathers Kingdoms are
Quiet (thanks be to Jove) from War;
I with a Taylor play'd indeed
At Cudgels, but he broke my head:
And have such scurvy luck in Battle,
I rather had by half tend Cattle:
But though I'me but a Country peasant,
I'le not be brib'd with gift, nor present,
And yet I can't but thank you still
(Fine Madam) for your great good will,
Which I so kindly take, I swear,
My Equity you need not fear:
For I'le do Justice, right or wrong,
And there's an end of an old Song.
But to advise you I'le be bold,
Pray d'on your cloths for taking cold,
And your steel Cap will do no harm,
To keep your learned Headpiece warm,
And pray as hence you do go from me,
Send Madam Venus hither to me.

Venus.
Here's Venus that you call for so;
Survey me now from top to toe,
And if thou find'st when thou hast view'd me,
Any one wrinckle more shoo'd be,
Or if my Bumm have any flawes in't,
Il'e give thee leave to put thy nose in't.
I'le tell thee without fraud or guile,
I have, and for no little while,
(Having tane note of thy desert,
And what a pretty fellow th'art,
Thy youth, thy feature, shape, and fashion)
Had on thee very great compassion,
To see thee tending rotten flocks
Amongst these solitary rocks;
Great Cities, nor Assemblies heeding,
Where young men use to get their breeding:
But wasting here thy time in Caverns,
Which would be better spent in Taverns.
What's to be learn't amongst these Groves,
By still conversing with thy Droves,
I prethee say, and do not lye,
But ignorance, and clownery!
What pleasure's in this rural life!
'Tis time that thou had'st got a wife,
Or which is better a fine Miss:
Not some course Sun-burnt Frull, I wis.
But of fam'd Argos some rare piece,
Of Corinth, or some Town in Greece,
Such as the Spartan Helen is,
Her Sexes pride and Masterpiece,
As handsome Paris is of his.
And who (I know it) is as free,
Buxome, and amorous as he.
And if the little wanton Tit
But saw thee once, I'me sure of it,
She would both home and Husband quit
To follow thee for dainty Bit;
She would both love and long so sore.
Did'st never hear of her before?

Paris.
No, never syllable (I vow)
But very fain would hear it now.

Venus.
Why, she is daughter to that

Læda.

fair
For whom our am'rous Jupiter
Transform'd himself into a Swan,
Her Maiden-head for to trapan.

Paris.
And is she wonderfully fair?

Venus.
Why what a Country question's there!
How should she, canst thou think, be other,
Having a Swan unto her Mother?
Nor is she gross, you may suppose,
Whom an egg-shell did once enclose.
Had'st seen her once wrestle a prize
Naked, as 'tis her Country guise,
I dare most confidently swear,
Thou'dst long to try a fall with her.
Already they'r at wars about her,
For Theseus like a boistrous suiter,
To Spirit her away made bold,
When she was but poor ten years old,
A little snotty Chitterling;
But now she's quite another thing.
A Miracle I do protest,
Her Beauty with her Age's increast,
That she is now the only Miss
Of all the spruce young blades of Greece.
A thousand Suitors all have sought her,
But Menelaus now has got her;
Yet for all that, shew me but favour
And say the word, and thou shalt have her.

Par.
How can I have her (that's a Jeast!)
When she is married thou sayst?

Venus
Is that a thing to be so wondred?
'Tis the least mater of a hundred;
For that Man never scratch thy pate,
I can do greater Feats than that.
In the mean time (Sir) by your leave,
You'r a meer Novice I perceive.

Paris.
But which way you intend to go
About it (Madam) I would know.

Venus.
Why the design of it is this,
Thou shalt go travel into Greece,
Wherein thy main pretence shall be
Only for curiosity,
To see what thou hast heard the Fame on:
And when thou com'st to Lacedemon,
Ere thou'rt well got into thy Inn,
I'me certain that the lovely Queen
Will forthwith make her Hen-peck't Spouse,
Send to invite thee to his House,
Which is as fair, as fair can be;
And for the rest leave that to me.

Paris.
Why I will try my luck in Goddle;
But it wont sink into my noddle
That such an admirable piece,
The very flower, and pride of Greece,
And a great Queen, as that you mean,
Should be so impudent a Quean,
To leave her Country, and her Honey,
To whom she's join'd in Matrimony,
And run away with such a one
As I, a stranger, and unknown.

Venus.
Why, I confess it something odd is,
But there's the power of a Goddess.
And that's a trick that I defie
Best on 'um all to do but I.
Now I two Sons have you must know,
Which these miraculous feats can do:
Of which the one by Art is able
To make a party amiable,
And th'other has the power to move,
Who sees that loveliness to love.
In order then to this design
I mean to place these Brats of mine,
Who are t'effect this enterprize,
One of them (Paris) in thine eyes,
And th'other I'le convey by art
Into fair Helen's tender heart:
Which being order'd (by my troth)
The Devil must be in you both,
If what remains, do want fulfilling,
When both of you are made so willing.
But yet on surer grounds to go
(For One can't be too sure you know)
I'le give thee two strings to thy Bow,
And thou shalt have with thee the Graces,
(Three very pretty little Lasses,
Who can do much in such like Cases)
In thy adventure to attend thee,
Whose Services will much befriend thee;
For they to grace thee not despising,
Shall daily wait upon thy rising,
(And never Asian Cavaliers
Could boast they had such Chambrieres)
Where dressing thee each day, the whiles
One tricks thy face in winning smiles,
With greater power to accost her;
Th'others in such a swimming posture
Thy arms, and hands, thy leggs, and feet,
In such a graceful mean shall set,
As shall if Nell have any sence,
So tickle her Concupiscence,
That she will run the whole world over
With such a rare accomplish't Lover.

Par.
These are fine promises indeed;
And though Jove knows how I shall speed,
Yet I'me so ravisht with this geere,
That I already burn to see'r;
And you have (Madam) set m'ambition
So hot upon this Expedition,
That 'ere a man can say what's this,
Methinks I'me travelling to Greece,
Am come to Sparta, safe as may be,
Have seen, attacqut and won the Lady;
Who having with her Jewels lin'd me,
And being lightly whipt behind me,
None to our Journey being privy,
Am posting her to Troy Tantivy,
All which does in my mind so run,
That I am mad it is not done.

Venus.
Soft! do not spur too fast your dapple,
Till first y'ave given me the Apple.
There lies my Service's rewarding,
That I must have or else no bargain.
Then give it me, I preethee doe
Come, come, thou knowst it is my due,
I else shall either fret, and fume, or
So musty be, and out of humour,
That the event is to be doubted,
I'st ne're go cheerfully about it.
And then be sure no good can come,
For one must never go Hum-drum
About so nice a work as this is;
But it is mettle carries Misses,
And therefore without more protraction,
Give me this little satisfaction,
And (Paris) when thou com'st to bedding,
Oh how I'le trip it at thy wedding.

Paris.
Nay, you'r a Jigger, we all know;
But if you should deceive me now!

Venus.
Who, I deceive thee! never fear me:
But if thou art distrustful, swear me.

Paris.
No, that security's too common,
Besides, Oaths never bind a woman:
But (Madam) if you can afford
Once more to promise on your word,
That I shall have this bonny Nelly,
More of my mind I then shall tell ye.

Venus.
Why then know all men by these presents,
That spite of Princes, Courtiers, Peasants,
And all, both man and woman kind,
I here my self most firmly bind,
To give thee Helen, pride of Greece,
To be thine own Lyndabrides.
That I will pay down Sparta's Spouse
In the now very dwelling House
Of Signior Priam King of Troy,
And then (Sir Paris) give you joy.
Nay, I do bind my self beside,
To be in person mine thy Guide,
And will (since thy Wit won't suffice)
Carry on the whole enterprize.

Paris.
You my request are gone beyond,
I (Madam) did demand no Bond.
And will you bring your Cupids too,
(My lovely Dame) along with you?

Venus.
Pish! never doubt it man! I'le do't,
Desire, and Hymen too to boot.

Paris.

Juno.
Learnedly spoke, I had not car'd
If Pallas here had been prefer'd;
But to bestow it on that Trapes,
It mads me!

Pallas.
Hang him Jack an-apes.