Cataplus or, Æneas his Descent to Hell. A Mock poem, In imitation of the Sixth Book of Virgil's Aeneis, in English Burlesque |
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 | Cataplus |  |
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CATAPLUS.
Thus as he spake weeping like childFrom thence in piteous dudgeon sail'd,
And by the help of wind and tide
The vessels toward Cumæ ride.
Then labour-sweating Seamen got up
And into Sea cast prison pot-hook
Instead of anchor; to save charges
They row'd about in boats and barges.
Upon a sudden then a rout
Of Slubberdegullions lept out:
A shoar no sooner had they got,
But all the Countrey fell to pot.
Some struck fire, some pell mell
Down trees with trusty hatchets fell.
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Breaking ope farm-houses for pillage,
Plundering yards of Ducks and Geese,
And Cupboards too of bread and Cheese.
Down from Cobweb roofs were taken
Many a tongue and flitch of Bacon;
Such was their appetite and hunger
They ransackt all the victual hung there.
But what a quarter they did keep
Can't be exprest in stealing sheep,
And Oxen what ere they could get,
For all was fish that came to net.
Nay these whorson villains fell fierce
Upon all butteries and sellars.
Mean while Æneas went all o're
Parish and town from door to door,
Enquiring all along the road
Where the Sibyl kept abode.
This Sibyl was a cunning woman
Yielding in her art to no man:
By slight of hand she was right able
To strike a sixpence through a table.
She had the Necromantick tone
With a heigh præsto Spirit be gone.
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And Physnomy well understood:
When any goods miscarried were
To her the Countrey did repair.
There wa'nt a pocket pickt, or house
Broke ope, but she could thief produce.
She was as good at divel stradling
As Mol-Cutpurse or Mother Maudlin.
The crew were come unto a place
Where trees did grow as thick as grass,
Near which a pretty market town
With glittering shindle like gold shone.
This town did get its fame and glory
(As 'tis recorded in old story)
By Dædalus the Carpenter,
Who flew his Countrey and came there.
(By all report 'tis warrantable
He had out-run the Constable.)
Instead of going in foot track
He carried was 'pon devils back,
Through thicken'd mist and foggy air,
The bearer scarce himself knew where.
At last in view of all the people
He hitcht 'pon spire of magick steeple:
And truly had not some ran quick
And succour'd him just in the nick,
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As sure (poor wretch) as God's in Gloster,
Wings with him always he did carry,
Of which he was exceeding chary:
Now whether he the same did pluck
From Woodcock or from water-duck,
Or whether from the sides of pidgeon,
From pheasant, partridge, teal and widgeon;
Some say this and some say that,
Authours write I know not what:
The wings were wings, pluckt from what bird
They were, it matters not a---
Let circumstances weighty follow,
To wit, he offer'd 'em to Apollo.
And to shew himself religious
Built a Conventicle ridge house.
Before the gate a Gibbet stood
Of hardy weather-beaten wood,
Where hung a spacious table, in fine
Much like unto a Countrey Inne Sign.
There pictured was Androgeo
With seven Varlets in a row,
In the same posture as they hung
When to Athens gallows strung;
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Was tied up many a mothers son.
Many a thief and high-way padder
Mounted up on fatal Ladder.
On t'other side a pool a-cross was
A piece of pasture-ground call'd Gnossos,
Which careful Grasier did stock
With hided herd and fleecy flock.
And now I'm come (Reader) to tell
A story sad that there befell:
There liv'd a woman near an oak
As good as ever did strike stroak,
Who shall be nameless (though her name
Has not a stranger been to fame)
She with her husband not content
(For he alas! was impotent;
In short, he was another such thing
As waggish people call a ridgling)
Her self did often prostitute
To filthy lust of horned brute.
Her pregnant womb at last was full
Part by Husband, part by bull:
And when she teem'd she brought forth half
A man, and all the rest was calf;
Which being grown up big, became
A monster which no folk cou'd tame.
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To the very heart blood and guts.
Therefore having soundly bast her
Into Limbo straight he cast her.
But Dædalus taking compassion
She should be used in such fashion
(Thinking it only forsooth
To be a simple trick of youth)
Deliver'd her from rack and pain,
And set her 'pon her legs again.
Breaking with hammer bars of iron
Which her body did inviron.
This story writ was 'sore the dore,
(Of which I gave a hint before.)
But hold, for we go further on,
This Dædalus had had a son,
Who was in depth of water drown'd,
Never after to be found:
He was as tender of his son Dick,
As busie Hen is over one Chick;
And had in that same place we told on
Hung his picture up all Golden,
Had he not met that common curse
To be poor raskal out of purse.
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In lingring here, but wanted leasure.
For the true Trojan (his old servant)
Achates back return'd from errant.
In company of aged hag,
Who did on lazy crutches lag.
(If old Historians don't baulk us)
She was the Succuba of Glaucus.
In spell or Hocus Pocus trick
She did good service to old Nick.
Then with a voice like mouse in cheese
To Æneas out these words did squeeze:
I wonder here ye loitering lye
When you have other fish to fry.
Ye must chuse out of herd (that's given
Not to vile frisking) heifers seven,
That never have at leapfrog been,
Nor have above two Summers seen.
Thus when she had spoke with much ado
Butchers about the business go.
She then invited in the Trojans
To see her underground-laid lodgings,
Which much was like unto a cave
Which Capouchian Friars have,
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Proof 'gainst rain and tempest shock.
There were East, West, North, and South,
Holes wider than a Canons mouth,
And to every one a shutter
To keep from hearing noise and clutter.
But when the trap dores were set open,
You'd think Hells dungeon loose, and broken.
The Sibyl would belch, fart, and stink,
As if possest, or in her drink.
Assoon's the scoundrels came she hoisted
Her bum, and in their faces foisted.
Wrigling out nasty grunt and cry,
Like farrowing Sow immur'd in Sty.
Then lest she should too much a scent give,
Thrust into breech finger retentive.
But bowel thorow-purging pang
Twitcht her with wombling gripe and twang.
At last by force it flutter'd out
Like pump water stopt up with clout.
Flouncing about in such large doses
As made the Trojans hold their noses,
She lookt o'th' sudden pale as ashes,
And smear'd with excremental dashes,
As if she had taken a full cup
Of Chymick potion, or jallop.
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Drinking toad in glass of sack.
Stomach and belly then she puts out,
As if she meant to squirt her guts out.
At last she howl'd and gave a squawle,
And thus did 'pon Æneas call.
Quoth she, I mar'l where thou wert bred
To see a woman almost dead,
And not with helping hand come nigh her,
Nor lend so much as simple prayer.
For if thou do'st not come and shake me,
Another fitt will straightway take me;
Unless I'm stir'd and jumbled soundly
My guts will never discharge roundly.
With that for fear of another spatter
The Trojans turn'd as weak as water,
They trembled so in every joint
Many in breeches loos'd a point.
Æneas then with stomach groans
Fell down upon his marrow bones;
O Phœbus that didst ever pitty
Troy town, O hearken to my ditty.
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Paris, and madest him 'gainst foe bolder:
If to me now thou art difficile
Thou maist for the future go whistle.
I hate ingratitude as the divel;
I must confess thou hast been civil,
And willing wert with all thy heart
To serve me more than my desert.
Thou when I was founder'd and weary
Hast often made me brisk and merry:
When candle has been out of socket,
Thou hast put money in my pocket.
And when I have been put to shift,
Thou hast helpt me out at a dead lift.
In journey and in tedious travel,
When shooes were stockt with filth and gravel.
For Italy I am now bound
Pray let me come there safe and sound.
For I had never hither come
Were I not drove from house and home.
Wretched I Anchises poor son
Am forc'd to range and seek my fortune.
Up and down to see me lurk
Wou'd move even pitty in a Turk.
O therefore all ye ranting Heroes
That were to Ilium bugs and scare-crows;
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Scimmington 'pon warlike saddle,
I hope you are of that good nature
To pitty a distressed Creature.
And you too mother (whom I guess
To be a witch or Prophetess)
Pray I may (O beldam hag sage)
To Latium come with bag and baggage.
To Phœbus (by th' foot of Priam)
And to his simpring sister Dian,
I'le dedicate a house (though little)
And resign my right and title:
I'le do it, there's my hand, believe me,
Let me be hang'd if I deceive thee.
'Tis not my nature to be base,
In honour I'le not bate an ace.
But to confirm the bargain well,
I'le give thee here my hand and seal;
And for more convenient tie
Witness all the company.
Let not the writings be destroi'd
For then you know the case is void,
And we shall be but jeer and sport
When we come to appear in court.
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And to that purpose said no more.
At which the woman 'gan again
To be troubled with her pain.
He that had at that time seen her
Would think the Devil had been in her;
See winst and caper'd as if some
Had clapt hot iron to her bum.
'Twas labour much for one of her age
To suffer so much belly garbage.
At last with volly loud and full
She made in cave another stool:
Rat a tat tat the spirit bounst out,
And flakes of fierce St. Reverence flounst out.
After which crack, from out behind
Broke such an impetuous wind
(You would have swore her guts were broken)
As straight set all the trap doors open.
Her pop gun gave as loud report,
As Canon charg'd from 'laram'd port.
At length having appeas'd tail frothing
And cleans'd the filth of inner clothing,
She opt her mouth dropping like snowt
Of heavy Winter-idling lowt:
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Has often firkt and claw'd a ship bord,
Art now ashoar from water butches,
And out at present of her clutches.
Yet do'nt thou think thou art secure,
For thou'lt o' land more stripes endure:
The whorson quean before shee'th done
Will catch thee again at long run.
Thou and this thy wretched rabble,
With much ado at length shall scrabble
Into the borders of Lavinus,
(But hold you coxcomb why dost whine thus)
And there thou'lt be tormented so,
Thou'lt wish thou wert at Jericho,
And reason have to curse the hour
Thou first didst stir foot out of door.
For I foretel there will be scuffles,
Many blows, bastings and buffles.
There are a whorson surly tribe there,
That live about the river Tiber,
From whom you shall have knocks and raps
And thumps and dowses in the chops.
'Tis well if after all these crosses
You shall come home with bloudy noses.
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As good as Græcian lowts, at cuffs;
They'r lusty fellows, and stand to't shall
At wrestling, cudgels or at footbal:
They'l kick ye up and down with clump foot
Until they make your bellies bump out:
Unless you caution from me can take,
They'l kick thy breech as flat's a pancake.
Juno agen shall make thee smart
And vex thee to thy very heart.
Nay thou shalt come to such a pass
With scarce a rag to hide thy arse,
And ramble through high-way and street,
With scarce a stockin to thy feet.
Thou shalt be, when thy food grows scant,
Ready to eat thy nails for want.
Thou'lt begging go from door to door
Through Town and Countrey lean and poor.
Also thou shalt have scratch and battel
Tooth and nail with black-list cattle.
A wench there is given to flickring,
Who shall be cause of all this bickring.
However prithee hap what hap,
Don't in anger burn thy cap.
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Bid fortune and the slaves go kiss.
But to set thy spirits agog
Out of Greece thou shalt have prog,
Hogs puddings, oat-cakes, milk and butter,
Bacon, eggs, poultrey, and a clutter
Of pease and beans, with pannier'd baggage
Of parsnips, turnips, carrots, cabbage.
These words the Sibyl chopt from cell low
And gave (as Author says) cow-bellow.
She puzzled him with words and phrases
That Janus like had diff'rent faces:
On one side was vizard uncouth,
On t'other was the naked truth;
When in a trice her rage and madness
Was turned into sober sadness.
Her breast that was with fury cramb'd,
Was now as quiet as a Lamb.
So that Æneas had his leisure
And liberty to speak his pleasure.
Mother, quoth he, I speak from heart,
I value not these things a fart.
I knew before you gave me note,
I should have holes pickt in my coat:
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To cool your porridge, proverb saith:
I'me come to ask without offence
A favour of great consequence.
'Tis said that hole there that's kept shut too
Leads to kitchin of cook Pluto:
Where muddy Acheron from sink
Casts hogo forth and noysome stink;
I have a father there, a wight
To whom the Devil ow'd a spight;
So I might come to h's sight I'm willing
To spend though it were forty shilling.
Prethee therefore give me some light
How I may strike the way aright.
That Sire of mine as sure's thou'rt sat there
I've born (God knows) through fire and water
Upon these shoulders and this back,
When my neck has been ready crack,
And bloody rogues pursued behind us,
Damming and sinking they wou'd find us.
Well, though I say't (he was my father
I must confess) and should not rather)
He was as lusty an old shaver
As any in this rout I have here.
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Hee'd make a shift to follow after.
Neither had he flincht a foot, had fates
Made it rain down dogs and cats;
Though old was body and decrepit,
Yet heart was whole and nought could break it.
My father (be assur'd no less thing)
Gave me a charge upon my blessing
To seek you out (if to be found
In any corner above ground)
Pitty begetter and begotten
(One alive, t'other dead and rotten)
I know thou canst do any thing
Because thou'rt good at conjuring.
Thou keep'st a Mephistophylus
To turn thee into Curr or Pusse,
So that thou canst delude by barking
As well as Reinard pullets sharking,
And know'st the dialects of mewing
As perfectly as cats a wooing.
Thou canst be toss'd and ride securely
Upon a windmills hurly burly,
And sit upon the wheel or hopper
Without falling or hurting cropper.
Sometimes thou rig'st with sail and oar
An Egg-shel, and put'st out from shoar;
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'Pon Neptunes back, and waves deride.
Thou dost in secret baskets bear
Parcels of blustring wind and air,
And for a Sailer in a calm
Thou canst disturb the Sea with qualm;
Sending o'th' the sudden Lapland blast
To shake the tackle and main Mast.
If thou do'st thy commands advance,
Joint stools, tables, bedsteads dance.
By vertue of thy Spells a drum-stick
Shall frisk Coranto with a broom-stick.
Thou canst in Orchard lay a charm
To catch base felon by the Arm.
Thou art able by finger clench
The running of fundament stench:
Thou canst drive folk out of their wits,
And rack 'em with convulsion fits:
Thou canst provoke man sick or drunk
To lie with filthy Turnbold punk.
Thou canst make inoffensive sleep
Upon the bridegrooms eye-lids creep,
Although he has a dainty bride
Snugs discontented by his side.
If thou canst do these wonders all,
Then what I ask is very small.
If Scoundrels might to hell go, why
By your good favour may not I?
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Cou'd get his wife from devils claw
Only by fum fum scrape of fiddle
And windy bagpipes farting twiddle.
What was Pollux but a rakell?
Yet spight of Lucifer he brake hell;
And swaggering with his arms a kimbo
Freed his brother out of Limbo.
Theseus and Hercules were men
Of metal 'tis confest, what then?
In what I pray were they more fitted
Than I am now to be admitted?
My father was as good as theirs,
And I as either for their ears.
These words as near as I can hit
Æneas spake with grace and wit.
Then she with much ado arises
Answering thus (O son of Anchises)
Whose pedigree is of no bad fame
But is almost as old as Adam;
The way to th' Devil is plain and broad,
There is no fear you'l miss the road,
Night and day always the doors
Lie open to comers and goers:
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Return without toil you cannot more.
Few but whom (what'ere's the matter)
Jove loves as the Divel loves holy water:
For there you may for ever linger,
Hee'l lend you not a helping finger:
Besides not one to ten so wise known
That once being pent in can break prison,
Except a brother of the blade
Which is known expert at the trade.
A wall almost as strong as iron
The place doth with fence inviron;
With fortified bulwarks, which
Are compass'd round with puddle ditch.
But seeing thou art forward bent
With resolution and intent,
And whimsey doth thy noddle take
To journey to the Stygian Lake,
Something must be thought upon
Before the business can be done.
There is a tree that long hath stood
In yonder neigh'bring shaggy wood,
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As bright and glittering as drawn winiard,
Which sacred is to infernal Juno
Whose favour by it you will soon know.
But though this bough be mickle bright
Yet it doth not appear in sight,
Because where you must go to seek it
Is thorny copse and pricky thicket.
For the wood stands in valley humble
Where winds for want of freedom grumble.
Yet 'tis so order'd by the powers
(That lie Antipodes to ours)
Without this bough none shall be whurl'd
Through gulph into the other world.
Proserpine (that in fairy coast
Sits paramount and rules the roast)
Expects it due unto her honour
If any mean to wait upon her:
Now therefore thou hast thy commission,
Hasten away with expedition:
In every brake and briar hunt,
Breaking up hedge with crab-tree plunt.
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And carefulness as boy for nest.
When thou hast found out where 'tis stuck
Climb up and gi't a gentle pluck,
If 'tis the will of courteous fate,
In spight of all the world thou'lt ha't.
But if thy fate stand opposite
Thou had'st as good go fairly f---.
For wert thou as robust as Giant
Thy hand cou'd not make one twig pliant,
Or shou'dst thou hardy back-sword take,
Thou'dst hack in vain till thy heart ake.
But hold whilst thou art here advising
And projects in thy fancy raising,
Since thou cam'st here thou ha'st a friend
That is come to a fearful end.
Therefore in charity thou'rt bound
To see him lain in wormy ground;
And seeing he was an honest tost,
Spare at the burial no cost.
Upon the altar table put on
Good store of beef and kindly mutton;
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To dungeon by none living known.
With that she was as mute's a fish
As mute as woman you cou'd wish.
Æneas at this sad news started,
And with sheep-biters face departed.
His stomach was as full of sorrow,
He could have even roar'd out for wo.
Achates kept him companie
And lookt as pitiful as he.
As both they through the high way walkt
They much of this disaster talkt,
Admiring who the Divel 'twas
Of whom grim death had made an asse.
When they were come to quart'ring house
Where they kept all their rendevouz,
They found an honest fellow nam'd
Misenus, to all fortune damn'd,
Who was in filthy pickle laid,
Dead as a herring, and beraid.
This whipster had a plaguy knack
At trumpet blowing and horn-crack,
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And make him for the battel toward.
He had serv'd Hector all the wars
In open and in civil jarrs:
And for his merit had come up
To be trumpeter of a troop.
But when Achilles had in field,
The Trojan Captain Hector kill'd,
He made friends to Æneas for
The office that he had before.
Æneas pittying his condition
Gave him at first word a commission.
Now how he came dead (if you'l know)
According to report 'twas so:
Close by a River as he sate
A playing 'pon a Flagellate,
Crying out ever and anon,
Come who will I'le yield to none;
One Triton that was a Sowgelder
And in a house of rushes dwelt near,
Taking it in snuff and dudgeon
To hear boasting of vile Curmudgeon,
Ran and caught him by the shank
And shak't him roughly till he stank;
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And madly into water threw him.
Æneas therefore and the rout
Stood the mangled corps about,
Yelling like hounds in a full cry
With Irish note, why wouldst thou die?
But 'fore they cou'd in solemn plights
Duly perform the funeral rights,
They put themselves in equipage
For work which Sibyl did engage.
Helter skelter every man
In among the thickets ran,
Where Snakes and Adders without number
Did the ground and hedges cumber,
Some with Hatchets, some with Chopping-
Knives went up and down a lopping,
Some with Hand-saws, some with crooks,
Axes and wedges, pruning-hooks,
Down went Crab-tree and bush of sloe,
I marry, Elm, Oak, ground-ash too.
Nor was Æneas idle seen
But labour'd with tool sharp and keen,
Suggesting in the rest an ample
Encouragement by his example.
Seeing at last but little hopes
To find the bough in spacious copse,
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Then from his mouth these words did part:
If in a wood so wide as this
I shall not bough I look for miss,
Then I'le be sworn O beldam Nun
Thou art a Witch as sure's a gun.
No sooner had he spake these words
But o're his head he spied two birds,
Flying to ground where grain did grow,
As swift as arrow out of bow.
Grammercy quoth Æneas to 'em
My trusty Pidgeons are ye come?
You being Letter-carriers know
All the by-places here I trow,
My mother Venus has I warrant
Sent you to me on an errant.
I do beseech you of all love
Lead me directly to the grove
Where glitt'ring bough like Sun-burnt apple
Doth the twining branches dapple.
And Venus if thou dost forsake me
In nick of time, the Devil take thee.
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Into the air with all speed clutter'd.
He stood stark still and markt their flight
Till they were almost out of sight.
Where 'twas their aukward luck to hover
A stinking house of office over,
From whence such fumes and hogo's broke forth
Enough in all reason to choke both,
Which made them with a murrain fly
Something loftier in the sky.
Then in a trice (whilst you can say,
What's this?) through ayr they cut their way.
And on the tree (concerning which
We had discourse before) they pitch,
From whence (the place being dark) a cluster
Of glow-worms cast a dainty lustre;
Or have you seen in Winter-time
On hedge a kind of brittle-slime?
Or frothy trash which sluggish snail
Draws along the ground at tail?
Such was the brightness of the bough
Of which I gave a hint e'ne now.
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It was the same which was fore-spoken:
Then up he skips as quick and pat
As Squirrel, or mouse-hunting Cat,
And off he snapps it at one grapple,
As greedy as boy Orchard apple:
With half face-snears and shoulder shrugs
He with it to the Sibyl trugs.
But course of story doth confine us
To say something more of Misenus.
The woful Trojans cryed right out
Sniv'ling and casting snot about.
Some of the rabble (men of mettal)
Heat water in a copper kettal,
And with purgative soap and wash ball
They cleanse away the body's trash all;
Then on their shoulders forth they fetch it,
And on a knotty deal-board stretch it.
His shirt that stood him much in stead
Alive, must serve him now he's dead.
This for a shrowd must wrap his arse
Cause linnen was amongst 'em scarce.
Because there was no Joyner near
(And Coffins too besides were dear)
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To lay the corpse in gentle chest,
Which worms had eaten so all o're
There scarce was food for any more.
His doublet made of hardy leather
Which proof was 'gainst all sorts of weather,
And breeches of undaunted freese,
Hanging in quirpo down at knees,
And jerkin lin'd with skin of dog
In which he look't like armed hog,
With other rayment (which we may
Suppose he wore on holy day)
Were advantagiously displaid
And woollen blanket overlaid.
Others very busie were at
Preparing diet-bread and burnt claret.
Then up the loaded corpse they fix
On backs of brawny Porters six,
And on to burial place they bore it,
With links and wax candles before it:
They pil'd up heaps of faggots higher
Than usually are at bonfire.
And in they cast the carcase whole,
Burning it straightway to a coal.
Assoon as e're they saw the fire gone
They put reliques in tub of iron,
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That left was, into the said tub.
Then (where we all decline to must)
It was committed to the dust.
And many a wish and prayer was given
Hoping his soul was gone to heaven.
Æneas sent to a stone-cutter
To have a tomb-stone fitly put o're,
On which an Epitaph in Text
Was cut with coat of arms annext,
And there if ever you have been
The fellows name is to be seen;
I know nothing to the contrary
But it may there for ever tarry.
Æneas after this ado
Was in a readiness to go
Without farther stay or quibble
As he was order'd by the Sibyl.
There was a hole broader than what
Cou'd cover'd be by buttock fat,
Much like unto a privy dungeon
For quagging Scutt of baud to lunge on;
Around which an offensive lake
In ropes of excrement did flake,
From whence came such a noisome smell
Enough to choak the Devil of hell;
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Bustards, Magpies, and Jack-daws.
Wherefore 'tis call'd Avernus by
Pedantick Etymologie.
Æneas fearing greatly to make
An entrance with a fasting stomach,
Good store of Beef he did command
To be roasted out of hand,
Which (soon as e're 'twas took from spit)
He and his men eat every bit,
And knuckles with promiscuous clatter
Scrap't the clammy fat from platter.
No sooner was he risen up
From meal, but calls for a grace-cup,
And here, quoth he, ye snaky sisters
That raise in men fanatick blisters,
And Pluto (be thou Smith or Tinker
'Tis all one to me by this drink here)
And Proserpine (of whom go speeches
Thou wear'st too much thy husbands breeches)
Here's to all your generation
A whole one upon reputation.
He was a friend to th' pot you'l say
Being the sober time o'th' day;
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Till Sun from Thetis lap was rous'd.
The Ale being in his head, the ground
Seem'd on a sudden to turn round.
And Mountains that really stood still
He thought ('cause he himself did) reel.
He fancied noises in his scull
(No wonder when in't waves did rowl)
Such as Mastiff howl, and screech
Of kennel-fraught benighted bitch.
The Sibyl too was there as drunk
As Windsor wife or Whetstone punk.
She cries out in Prophetick rapture
(Like Puritan a reading chapter)
O all that are prophane, and none
Of the religious, be gone:
Away ye scoundrel Rascals hence
Who are of a reprobate sence.
And now man 'gin to look about
Thou must be resolute and stout:
Out from eaten scabberd pluck
Thy man-slaying unpeaceful tuck,
And now or never make a venture
And follow me close as I enter.
35
On naked bum she gently slid.
What need she fear? for she cou'd fright
With Devils face the dreadful'st sprite.
Æneas very bold and pert
Followed and caught her by the skirt.
But O ye Devils great and small,
Lucifer, Beelzebub, Belial,
O all ye fiends and hobgoblins
Who plague poor mortals for their sins,
O bugbears, Oberon, and Fairies
Who pinch uncleanly slats of dairies,
O Chaos, Phlegethon, and all
Hard words upon which Poets call,
Give me a vein that may surpass
Homer a la mode, or Hudibras.
Give me high and mighty wit,
To th' grandeur of my subject fit.
They both went in vault under ground
Unbeaten ways dark and profound;
Like travelling a wood a night time
When neither Moon nor Stars with light shine,
36
Nor what colour 'tis understand.
At last they came unto a gate
'Gainst which Æneas ran his pate,
Stumbling o're a promiscuous heap
Of mortals that lay there asleep.
There were a company of rakels
Fetter'd up in jives and shackels,
Barretars, and those whose profession
Was to cheat at size and session.
There were likewise Misers decrepit
Who scrap't money up only to keep it.
And husbandmen that hoarded corn
When bellies were with famine torn.
Another parcel lay of women
That had been thorns and thistles to men:
Such as wou'd force their honest good
Husbands perform more than they cou'd;
Such queans as wou'd curse, swear and huff,
And their contented cuckolds cuff.
Under an Elm old and decai'd
A bundle were of idlers laid,
Fellows produc't from natures sink
Good for nought but to eat and drink,
Who slept and dreamt of nothing but
Provision for ungodly gut.
37
(Which we told you of before,)
Within the porch was stable wide
Wherein strange monsters did abide:
There was a beast the like was none
Ever at Bartlemew fair shown;
The forepart was exact mad mallion,
The hinder shap'd like racing stallion.
There also was an overgrown
Curr, that had more heads than one:
There was a Giant too as high-a
As Danish Colborn, or Goliah.
There was a Lion lookt as sower
As any Lion in the Tower.
Another strange creature there was
Like smug wench in body and face,
But claws it had with bristled shag on,
Like those of Griffon or fierce Dragon.
Besides there was Ens ratiouis
Which wou'd young Sophister astonish.
Æneas at these sights a while
Stunk so you might have smelt a mile;
38
Had seen nothing worse than himself)
Fear made him skip, curvet and caper,
And out he drew his sturdy Rapier;
And traversing his ground prepar'd
Himself to stand upon his guard.
Had not the Sibyl flown upon him
And snatcht the brandisht weapon from him;
In testy wrath discharg'd he had blows
To incorporeal forms and shadows.
From thence they came unto a ditch
In which was puddle black as pitch,
Where sprawling frogs and croaking toads
Lay enwrapt in spawny loads.
There Charon (much quoted by pitti-
-ful Poet in funeral Ditty)
With wrizzel'd countenance of hew
Wou'd make a dog or Devil spew;
And knitty beard of Carret colour,
Than rubbing-brush or besome fouler,
Or hair 'pon bird-pickt scul of traitour,
Pent on pole London bridge-gate o're;
Whose cloaths hung 'pon him like a fardle
Most wretchedly truss'd up with girdle.
39
I name him twice to bring in sence)
Row'd passengers with boat, that lookt
About the sides like tub unhoopt,
And yet with Scullers or with Oars
He wafted every day o're scores:
Both men and women of all ranks
Waited for passage on the banks.
Many a brave fellow crost the ferry
To laugh and quaff and drink old Snerry.
Many a stripling o're did pass
In company of buxome Lass.
A good house was on t'other side
Which made so many there abide.
Have you not seen in Autumn season,
When Zephyr blows out of all reason,
The trees shake to and fro and showers
Of leaves descend in groves and bowers?
Or have you seen in time of frost
Wild fowl come from forraign coast,
Black-bird, Woodcock, Plover, Quale,
Partridge, Lark, Widgeon, and Teil?
So many folk (you'l think it strange
But fa'th 'tis true) did thither range.
40
And at poor Charon curst and swore,
But he from wafting never swerv'd,
And he that came first was first serv'd.
Some that were moniless and poor
He drove them with his pole from shoar.
Æneas wondring at the clatter
Askt, what a Devil was the matter?
Tell me, quoth he, O mother Sibyl,
What makes this concourse here of people?
What a plague ails 'em, are they mad?
I ne're saw such a feud i' dad.
Quoth Sibyl I'le declare in short
A satisfying reason for't:
Thou seest the deep pool of Cocytus,
And Styx, whose very sight wou'd fright us,
By which the Gods do damn and sink
When ever they are in their drink.
Those that the Churl away doth scare
Have got no dust to pay their fare.
Those that he receives in boat
Pay him for his pains a groat:
They had as good even go knock out
Their brains, who bring no coin in pocket.
41
Until their arses are a cold.
Gallants and Ladies first he'l waft o're
Let Tatterdemallions come after.
Æneas shook his head and dampt
His breast with fist, whilst foot ground stampt:
And 'cause he knew in days of yoar
What 'twas to be in want and poor,
He seem'd to be the more concern'd,
And with meer grief his bowels yern'd.
He saw there some that pin'd and fainted
With whom he had been well acquainted;
But such misery had o'rethrown 'em,
He was almost asham'd to own 'em.
Leucaspis stout who had been Bosen
Of a ship, with Orontes whorson,
Who both were blown by sudden squeck
Of wind into the Sea from deck.
Æneas also spi'd his dear man
Bold Palinurus, quondam Steerman.
To whom, quoth he, in midst of rout,
How fares it with thee trusty trowt?
What a crotchet did in noddle take thee,
Or what a plague was't thou didst forsake me?
42
A true account, and I'l believe thee.
The cunning man Apollo, whom
We askt concerning future doom,
Told me thou shou'd'st come safe and sound
To Latium and not be drown'd.
But there is no trust to be given
To any creature under Heaven.
Quoth Palinurus (O thou heir
Of Anchises to all his gear)
I must confess ingenuously,
Apollo to thee told no lye:
I fell indeed headlong into Sea
(Where fishes of all sizes do play)
But 'twas as fate wou'd ha't, my luck
To have but one good sowsing duck,
Which made me stare again, but after
I made a shift to keep 'bove water,
For no wave cou'd me overwhelm
Whilst I had in my hand my helm;
Which I pluckt with me when in sleep
I totter'd from the pocky ship,
Making it cut the stream like oar
Of Gally, or stiff Battledore.
43
And as I have a soul to save,
I thought it was my greatest mischance
Thou wert in want of my assistance:
For (though I say't my self) you well know
I was a very honest fellow.
Well, so I floated clear and glib
(You'l think I'm telling now a fib)
Three Summer days and put to them
Three nights, by help of wind and stream.
The fourth day was half past before
With much ado I got ashoar.
When suddenly a crew of ruffains
(By looks and cloaths meer raggamuffins)
Came running and with speech severe
Askt me what business I had there?
One gave me with his foot a spurn,
Another took me at half-turn,
And gave me by the nose a twitch,
Which made me lamentably screech:
Then to make sport they took a Rugg
And tost me in it like a Dog:
I fell to ground often with squelch,
Which made my very entrails belch.
When they had us'd me like a Jackanoddy
And shak'd my breath out of my body,
44
Whurl'd me into th' Oceans bottom.
O therefore Master let me beg
With cap in hand, and turn'd-back leg,
For your good old fathers sake
Upon a servant pitty take.
The sum of all that I desire
Is, that you wou'd lay down here my hire.
For without money surely Charon
(And troth I ha'n't a cross) will waft none.
Quoth the old Beldam, marry come up
Mr. Gentleman, will you have a roap?
It is in vain curst fate to cark at,
But make the best of a bad market.
To make complaint (for my own part)
I think thou'dst e'en's good let a fart.
Have but a little patience
Thou shalt at length be carried hence,
Thy mortified Fish-pickt bones
(That lye among Sea-shels and stones)
Shall be, thou need'st not be a-fear'd,
With all solemnity interr'd.
With that the rogue grew blith and glad
As louse or beggar in fresh pad.
45
Jog'd from that place further on.
Charon spying 'em approacht near
Wondred what a pox made such there,
Then making stately step toward 'em
Thus accosts (of his own accord) 'em.
D'ee hear you friend you sawcy Jack,
And you old Gammer, what d'ee lack?
Stand I conjure you, if you stir shall
A foot farther, be it to your peril.
What are you and from whence, speak quickly
Or (take it as you will) I'l lick ye:
This is a place for incorporeal
Substances (that sleep and snore all)
Here is no room for scowtish rakel
That comes with earthly tabernacle.
Theseus and Perithous stout
With Hercules that heavy lowre,
Did me and my boat more dammage
Than I can get again in an age;
The one put 'pon us a shrewd slur,
And stole away our houshold Curr;
The t'other two I warn't were good,
(A couple of pure sticks of wood,)
46
With Proserpine, but she wa'n't willing.
Quoth munching Beldam, friend of mine,
We come not of an ill design,
For my part I am near fourscore
And can do little harm I'm sure.
And he (though he wears a sword and belt)
Yet nothing e're his fury felt.
Doth he (lord help him) look as though
He had strength to do so and so
With Proserpine, or master tripple
Headed Cerb'rus, who doth keep hell?
No no, this is the long and short
That made us hither to resort,
To see if any where among
The Ghosts and the infernal throng,
We can by our enquiry gather
Any news of this fellows father.
If thou art of a temper evil,
And art resolv'd to be uncivil,
Tarry a little, here's a bough
In butchet, look, what think you now?
47
Began to be appeas'd and cool.
He for a while upon it gaz'd
As if knockt on the head amaz'd.
Then to the pool like mad man flew
And close to shoar with chain boat drew,
Driving away from banks with pole
Every inconsiderable soul:
He took Æneas by the arm,
And set him under a tilt warm.
Then in with much ado they lag
The old unprofitable Hag.
The chinky boat was ready break
With weight, and forthwith sprang a leak.
At length he landed fleshy load,
But both up to the knees in mud.
And now they hear a fearful howl
With barking whine and murm'ring growl
Of Cerberus, who yelpt at once
From ratling throat three several tones.
(No wonder that he still was bawling
Having thousands of vermin 'bout him crawling)
The Sibyl did a wheaten scrap take
Out of Æneas victual Snapsack,
48
Opium, and juice of Poppy,
She stretcht it to him with colouge
Like thief in Fable tempting dog:
He snapt it 'fore it fell to ground,
And swallowed it in gut profound,
Which made him in less than half an hour
Stretch out in a dead sleep all four.
Æneas (you'l think) did not want age
Nor wit to lay hold of advantage:
The Porter being lain fast and sure
He had possession of deaths door,
Which whether he unlockt with key
Or broke, it ope I can't well say,
But I suppose, I wo'nt swear to it,
He bounst it ope by force of foot,
Because no key (you may go look)
Is hinted of in Authour's book.
No sooner were they got within
But ears were stun'd with second din.
The cry of suckled brats a brawling
In louder scream than catterwauling.
They saw whole shoals of by-blow babes
That had been made away by drabs,
49
Others for teat, and sloppy pap.
From thence they came into a Region
Where was a Gaol and in't a Legion
Of younger brothers, who were glad
For want of quodlibets to pad
Which were asham'd to beg, yet feel
No bite in conscience to steal;
But 'twas their fortune, though they'r high-born
Sweetly to swing in noose at Tybourne.
In these precincts liv'd Justice of peace
That never had palm lickt with grease,
(And 'cause our Authour doth confine us
To tell his name) his name was Minos:
He made a strict examination
Of every ones life and conversation:
Some he judg'd to whipping-post
And some he sent to forraign coast.
Some he condemn'd to bastinado,
And others to cruel strappado.
Many from liberty exempt
Were made for ever to beat hemp.
And thus he kept in rule and order
With punishments all that same border.
50
Was the meer Barathrum of wo,
Where lay a miserable pack
Of men that dy'd for honours sake,
Some that had drown'd themselves in River,
Others thrust Ponyard through Liver,
Because forsooth they cou'd not sip
Nepenthe from a Mistress lip.
Some that had been past worldly hope
And ended all their cares with rope;
But were become the unhappier
(Out of the Frying-pan into the fire,)
For here they'r cramb'd up in a hole
Which always lies bedung'd and foul.
As for with brooms and mops to cleanse it
I wonder who in conscience means it,
Because like privy or a sink
The more 'tis stir'd the more 'twill stink.
From thence they came unto a Field
Which did many rueful objects yield,
Such as at Bedlam may be seen
(If Reader thou hast thither been)
51
Another mus'd like Dialectick;
Some were a lifting up their eyes
And catching after moths and flyes;
Others were reading with loud babble
But understood not a syllable;
Some were a plucking hair with claws,
And others lay a picking straws;
One did nothing else but d'off
And put his shoo again on hoof.
Others by active fancy led
Were at turning arse over head.
Some were dancing, singing, laughing,
Ranting, swearing, cursing, quaffing,
With many such like frantick fits
Common to those out of their wits.
To speak in short, there wa'nt one there
But was as mad as a March hare.
There was also a tearing crew
Of Dames and young wenches true blue:
Joan, Cisly, Margaret, or Peg,
And bounsing Rose, as right's my leg.
Next these were double-member'd creatures
Of different and amphibious natures,
Such as can play the parts of men
And straight be women, and to't agen.
52
Alone within a private Meadow,
Whom when Æneas spied through hedge
His teeth for sorrow stood an edge.
Quoth he in soft heart melting phrase
With tears a trickling down his face,
Ah Dido, Dido, I am sorry
And much in grief and anguish for thee,
For since I went from Carthage town
(Where thou art well trusted and known,)
I heard thou hast a months mind to me
And that was the thing did undo thee.
But may I ne'r be worth a shilling
If I departed not unwilling;
Necessity forc't me withdraw,
(Which has (as wise men say) no law)
But prethee stay and hear me out
What now I am to say about;
I mean no harm t'yee nor abuse
If you wo'nt tarry you may chuse.
But she with choler from within swoln
Lookt as the Devil lookt over Lincolne.
53
Than if he had talkt to the wind;
At length to avoid his sensless tongue
Into a neighbouring wood she flung,
Hooping and hollowing for Sichæus
Her husband, to drive off Æneas.
He follow'd after close to breech
Like hot grain'd dog pursuing bitch.
But though he did in passion burn
She was not at that time for's turn.
Therefore he seeing 'twas in vain
Turn'd, as he came forth back again.
From thence they trudg'd into a green
Where were a troop of Souldiers seen,
Men that had been bred up in wars
And well skill'd in Martial affairs,
That make no more to kill a man,
Than I do to take off a Can,
Fellows of an undoubted courage,
The like can scarce be found in our age.
There was Orson and Valentine
The valiant sons of King Pepin.
54
Bevis and Amadis de Gaul,
Sir Eglamore, and Guy that slew
The dreadful Gyant and Dun Cow.
With Robin-hood and Little-John
And many others of renown.
Æneas question'd 'bout their fights,
Their hard adventures and exploits,
And what deeds they did undertake
For honours and for Ladies sake.
There was a troop of Grecian Dons,
Achilles, and his Myrmidons,
Ajax that was in battel haughty,
And Ulysses in counsel crafty,
With the Commanders all in chief
Who were these I shall name in brief:
Agamemnon, Diomedes,
And he, by Paris horn'd whose head was.
Assoon's they saw Æneas coming
They took their heels and fell a running
Like chaff (as they say) before the wind,
Or ship with Don-quixot behind.
55
That by a shot both legs had lost,
But for supply two wooden ones
Were put to succour cripled bones.
His nose was off by doubtful hap
Whether by dint of sword, or clap,
The same uncertainly appears
In the sad loss of both his ears,
For generally they subject are
To Pillory as well's to War.
Æneas in time long past knew
This shake-bag as well as I know you.
But now was at a stand (although
He lookt close) whether 'twas he or no.
The fellow in this wretched case
Was quite asham'd to shew his face:
Then quoth Æneas, O Deiphob
(So was his name) with witty dry bob)
What mak'st thou look so like a tench?
Come come, I fear thou lov'st a wench.
The bridge is down, then (by your leave)
I may with ease the cause perceive.
56
Venus in Mars his arms is shut,
And so by consequence it sounds
From Mars and Venus came these wounds.
I found thy body rent and tore
By Rooks and Crows, on Rhœtus shoar,
And buried it in Church-yard bustum
Calling out thrice as 'twas the Custom.
Quoth Deiphob, friend thou hast done me
As much as cou'd be expected from thee;
You may imagine what you please
That I have had an ill disease;
I must confess, I have had play
With women, and who has not I pray?
But I had throughly sound and well been
Had it not been for pocky Hellen,
For that same night, (and we have reason
To remember matters of treason)
Wherein the Grecians without force
Enter'd the town with wooden Horse,
57
In jovial mood, and who but she?
She and her Comrades drank such swigs
They were all of them as drunk as pigs,
When on a sudden horse and foot
Fell upon us 'fore we knew't,
I was at that time in my warm
Bed, a dreaming of no harm,
Sleeping without all fear and care, no
Coach cou'd wake me or wheel-barrow.
I had (thinking all safe at home)
No sword or pistoll in the room:
When this same base perfidious quean
(You know by foregoing speech who I mean)
Led in manly sort a File
Of Musqueteroes at her tail,
Who with bold resolution bore up
And rudely broke my Chamber door ope,
Then rushing on me fierce and passant
Slic't my nose off left what was on't,
And to spite my beloved wife
Cut my stones out with a Bread-knife,
Plucking me limb-meal besides
(A plague consume for it their hides)
I wish they may de damn'd as black
As Buttermilk, or Oven-cake.
58
For I am much surpriz'd to see thee?
Wert thou by witchcraft driven hither
Or by unluckiness of weather?
Was it a frolick mov'd thee (speak)
To come to the Devils Arse a peake?
The day was now above half run
About three a clock i'th' afternoon,
The time that Plowmen hast from fields
To see what bever Cupboard yields.
The Sibyl then put in a rub,
What d'ee tell us a tale of a tub?
'Tis high time to be gone, quoth she,
We have other fish to fry.
Then turning to Æneas, marry,
Quoth she, how long d'ee mean to tarry?
It draws towards night, if you stay
How shall we see to find our way?
Here is a place where four roads meet
In form like Crosse of Jesuite,
59
The left to Purgatory lyes.
Quoth Deiphob I pray, good mother,
What makes you chatt and keep a pother?
But seeing she no leave would give,
He doft his Hat and took his leave.
Æneas as he lookt a-thurt
Saw ancient Castle near a Fort,
With three walls, besides moat and ditch
Stronger than Dunkirk or Mastrich.
'Twas built of neither stone nor flint,
Neither was brick or timber in't,
But all of subtle air, which well
Compacted was by charm and spell:
Such fabricks as St. George for glory
Invaded (as you read in story)
But of this if he had made proof,
He wou'd have found it much more tuff.
David nor Andrew, nor the rest all,
Neither the Knight of burning Pestal,
Had not been with joint forces able
To make it not impregnable.
Granadoes, Bullets, Blunderbusses
Wou'd do no more than hostile curses.
60
To keep at entrance Sentinel,
Tisiphone (whom Poets use
To call upon instead of Muse,
When any have a mind to purge
The vices of the age with scourge)
Stood in a mantle clad as black
As that on witch of Endors back,
And night and day did watching keep
Without so much as a dogs sleep.
They listen'd and heard from within
Strange noises like a Newgate din,
Clinking of shackels tyed to shanks
Of Malefactours, and whip-clanks,
Which were imagin'd to be smarter
Than those of Coachman or fierce Carter.
Those exercis'd on bums and breeches
Made 'em break out in cries and screeches,
Louder by far than School-boy howles
In Eaton, Westminster, or Powls.
Æneas at this fearful clutter
'Gan with weather-end to make butter:
Mother, quoth he, since I was first born
I never heard the like combustion,
61
Tell me what means there such a coil?
Quoth she (O thou that bear'st command
O're Trojans all by Sea and Land)
This Castle will not open'd be
Thou need'st not fear for I or thee,
For 'tis for such as play the rogue
And without conscience cheat and cog:
But for our parts it is well known
We are no bodies foes but our own.
Within this building doth inhabit
A Sorcerer in visage crabbed,
As sage as Zabarel, and as subtle
As Don Scotus, or Aristotle,
One, in a word, wiser by half
Than Balaams Asse, or Walkams Calf.
He for his most judicious learning
Has prerogative concerning
All Caitiffs that do kill or steal
And do mischief to the Common weal:
'Gainst whom he is no less severe
Than Countrey Constable or Mayor,
Though rogues, as now their common use is,
Make cunning shifts and neat excuses,
Yet he can evince quirks and flaws
And know the blind side of a cause.
62
Either by fair means or by foul.
Some are burnt in the hand, and some
Like Souldiers vile the Gauntlet run.
Others in little ease are put
And others fast'ned head to foot.
But more than can be number'd swing
For villany in hempen string.
To tell you of dungeon without bottom
In troth I almost had forgotten.
The Giants that of old wag'd war
With Pikes and Guns 'gainst Juppiter
(As 'tis in Ovids book, which thus
Begins, In nova fert animus)
Are here one 'pon the tother rowl'd
To teach 'em to be proud and bold.
There lye the sons of Gath, and brood
Of those that liv'd before the Flood.
Here is the man to all folks wonder
That imitated noise of thunder,
Salmoneus nam'd; but for my part
I rather think Gilbertus Twart,
Who is reported long agone
To be the inventor of a Gun,
For this Salmoneus was but maker
(As I have read) of Squib and Cracker,
63
He got much fame and reputation:
You may see in Records of Greece
The circumstances if you please,
Some here are like dead Horses flead
And gi'n to dogs (as you may read)
Vultures and Kites devour as many
As they did of old at Cannæ.
Others are whurl'd upon a wheel,
Or crusht 'twixt hoppers of a Mill,
Till bones and very guts are torn
And ground to particles like corn.
Some have their brains dasht out with stones,
With iron barrs and tough battoons.
Another trick there is devis'd
How wretches may be tantaliz'd,
Which by weighing its intent
Is none o'th' slightest punishment;
A Table spread with Beef and Mutton
As delicate as can be put on,
With figgy puddings piping hot
Newly taken out of pot,
With Veal, and Bacon, and green Pease,
Besides Pies, Tarts, Plum-cakes and Cheese,
64
Only to see, not touch nor tast;
If one but snatches up a scrap
His fingers have for it a rap.
Down must again be put the victual
Let it be ne're so vile and little;
Wo be to him that puts his claws
In dish to slop up sugar'd sawce,
Alecto for so small a cause
Gives him a lick a-cross the jaws.
The company doth most consist
Of such as live i'th' world as they list,
Who value not a rush their Parents,
Brothers, Sisters, Uncles, or Aunts;
And care not if the Kingdom sink
So they might have but meat and drink.
Such also as out of Zeal fell on
Their King and Countrey in Rebellion,
And for a liberty of Conscience
Breed schismes by loud noise and nonsence,
(And Hypocrites (as old wives tell)
Shall have the hottest place in Hell)
65
Of heresy, and a fanatick,
Cries, O friends of self-toleration
Let my hap be to you a caution;
By Orthodox Laws be advis'd,
The gods ought not to be despis'd.
Who cou'd expect (without offence)
That fiends cou'd speak reason and sence?
Here are your Jockyes that came forth
From territories of the North,
Who stuck not to exchange for pelf
Their Countrey and their Prince himself.
Here are men that set out torutim
Statutes, but ne're wou'd execute 'em,
Who handle wou'd the purse-strings first
And then conclude which cause was just.
Besides these also there are millions
Of other sundry humour'd villains,
Pimps, Catchpoles, Hectors, Bully rocks
Vally de Chambers (with a pox,)
With vagabond unwholsome Varlets
That deal with Alehouse trulls, and Harlots.
If I had as many tongues and mouths
As I have teeth, fingers, and toes;
66
Than Christchurch Tom, or Westminster.
I cou'd assoon kiss my own arse
As to run through all (by the masse)
Therefore because I wou'd not fiddle
Give me leave to break off i'th' middle.
Having thus concluded fair speech
She gave a clawing scratch to bare breech;
As if a louse or twitching flea
Did 'bout her nut-brown buttocks play.
Come come, quoth she (plucking his sleeve)
Let's hasten and these quarters leave,
For not far off I spy a Smiths-forge
That doth from Chimney sparkles discharge,
'Tis but a wey bit 'fore we 'gin
To get out of the Devils gin.
With that she tore away with stride
More than the ordinary yard wide,
I mean with crutches, for they straddle
Whilst sustain'd body between waddle;
And he also shuffl'd as much
And kept in full pace with her touch.
At length they came unto a stile
And there they rested for a while.
67
Unto his very shoes and hose,
And washt his sleaky skin throughout
In pool, and rub'd it with a clowt:
Then putting on his cloaths again
He bid to coasts of night good e'en,
For now they came to sight of skies
Which made 'em twinkle with their eyes,
As usual 'tis (if you but mark)
To those that have been in the dark.
There was a meadow green and gay
As any is in midst of May,
The Sun flam'd 'pon it like a torch
Yet it did not their faces scorch:
A crew here gat together bent
To jollity and merriment:
The jovial lads were in ring jostling,
To make room for appointed wrestling,
Showting as at a Wake or Feast,
Heigh for the North and heigh for the West.
Some at Skittels their time past,
Others at rub and a good cast.
From Arbours all about the Close
Was musick heard like twang of nose,
From windpipes that in form and figure
Resemble Glysters, though much bigger.
68
Slobber'd and tows'd the Countrey wenches;
Some had a special love for pretty
Abigail, and some for Betty;
Whilst wags and arch anointed cracks
Trol'd ballads full of pleasant knacks.
So every one perform'd his part,
Or told a tale, or let a fart.
In another part of spacious green
A sort of Revellers were seen
In holland Drawers, lac't Crevats,
Hair tied with ribbands, but no Hats,
Who wearing on their feet light pumps
Trac't 'long the path with ambling jumps:
One bore a kind of little Drum
And fumpt it with finger and thumb,
Which made the bells that round it were
Sound like those at forehorses ear;
Ask what they were, the vulgar answers,
They were (as they call 'em) Morrice-dancers.
In places distant and remote
From scoundrel or inferiour sot
Were many a gallant spark, and Lady
As any in Hide park o' May day:
Some Capapee a horseback rid
Like French Mounsieur or Spanish Cid,
With Lances held in warkike fists
As just preparing for the lists.
69
Sleeping, or picking lapdogs fleas.
There was also in other places
Hunting, Hawking, and Horse-races,
With many other such like kind
Of sports, as people were inclin'd.
Close by a purling Rivers side
Where streams did with a torrent glide,
Sat sage Philosophers discoursing
And knotty Syllogisms scorcing
With Wits of th' age and men of parts
Masters of Sciences and Arts,
And Poets (not whose bloodless vein
Can produce nothing besides rime,
For look in Iter Boreale
You'l find much rime, but sence will fail ye;
Or have you heard of Poetaster
That set a Poem out but last year,
That treated of the Kings returning
And of the Cities plague and burning?
He nurtur'd was (the more's the pitty)
In the Oxford Universitty,
Read but that Poem, and in it
You'l find much fancy, little wit.)
I know of more such, but 'tis best
To go back from whence we digrest.
The Sibyl got among this gang
And to 'em made a large harangue.
70
Than all the rest with tiptoe tread,
Standing i'th' midst like a Colosse
Or 'mong footmen man 'pon a Horse;
Whom she with eye chiefly respected,
And to him most her speech directed:
O happy Sirs, friends to the Muses,
I pray speak where Anchises house is?
We are but strangers to this coast
And know the way no more than a post,
Quoth he in civil manner (Mistriss)
Truly here are no Edifices,
No certain habitation
Have we that we can call our own.
We live where we can get (god bless us!)
In mazes, woods, and wildernesses.
But hold let me consider, stay
By th' cast o'th' Countrey that's your way
Over that hill, some two miles off,
Look just directly 'gainst my staff.
But come seeing you strangers are,
I'l bring you on the way so far.
Then on he led the way untill
They came on t'other side o'th' hill:
71
Anchises did on Mole-bank sit,
Musing in melancholly sort
With hands to ears, and all a mort,
In study deep and meditation,
Casting upon his generation,
Their fortunes, livings, and estates,
And circumstances of the Fates.
But when he saw his Son Æneas
Coming towards him through the grass,
He rows'd himself from thoughts and dumps
And up like one of twenty, jumps,
Stretching both arms out for his boy,
And wept out like a child for joy.
His passion did so crowd his throat
A while he cou'd not speak a note.
At length recovering his speech
By tweak of nose and scratch of breech,
Quoth he, welcome my lad of gold,
Do I thy countenance behold?
I'm in a maze, art thou the same
I talk to, or am I in a dream?
72
I had discourses with a friend,
Wherein you were the chief concerns;
Talk of the Devil and see his horns.
When of thy dangers I did hear
It cost me many a sigh and tear,
For fear thou shou'dst in passing thorough
So many difficulties know sorrow.
He having made conclusion, his Son
Began with mannerly submission.
Had I come of my own head, you'l,
Quoth he, (dear Father) call me fool,
Wer't not for your continual haunting,
My presence now had here been wanting.
But seeing my time's but short, Father,
Come let's for shame shake hands together,
'Tis fit Father and Son shou'd hug:
Puh, quoth Anchises, Coxen pug.
Then tears began to trickle out
As fast as water from a spout.
Have you not read of Æsops dog,
That instead of substantial prog
With greedy snarle at shadow snapt
Whilst real flesh in water dapt?
73
With wanton grasps an empty cloud:
Æneas just in such a sort
Did incorporeal Father court,
But Ghost was in compliance shy,
And like a coy wench put him by.
Have you not (in Glamorgan-shire)
From mountain high up in the air,
Lookt down upon the Countrey under
And seen blind houses lie asunder,
Houses of turf and thatcht, wherein
People do live that card and spin?
Æneas such a Valley spi'd
From ascent where he did abide.
And (once again) have you not seen
In any place where you have been,
In Summer-season swarms of bees,
Or Chafers roaming 'bout the trees,
Or Grashoppers, or eager Ants
A tugging to relieve their wants?
So many folks he did descry,
And if you will believ't you may.
And as 'tis the nature of those,
So these did also hum and buz.
74
In Market or tumultuous Fair.
Æneas was at first amaz'd
And like one knockt in the head gaz'd.
Quoth he, what means that yonder feud?
So much disorder can't be good.
Quoth Anchises, these drink a liquour
Call'd Lethe, which is by much quicker
Than March beer, bottle-ale, or mead,
And sooner flyes up to the head:
They drink this so long till the Elves
Grow sottish and forget themselves,
And here they madly drink whole ones
Till they put on new flesh and bones.
I cou'd tell many pleasant stories
Relating to these drunken Tories,
But I must tell of noble Heroes
That shall be to the world meer scare-crows,
Who though we look like fools shall be
Dasht from the loins of I and thee.
But hold, quoth Æneas, pray hold,
Father (if I may be so bold)
Let me (before you proceed on)
Propose to you one question:
75
Desire to resume new bodies?
Quoth Anchises, I'l tell thee all
By notions Philosophical,
As orderly as Probleme is
When Ergo follows premisses.
The Sun and Moon, Stars, Earth and Ocean
Internal Spirits have, and motion,
And (as the Stoicks have defin'd)
There rules in them a certain mind,
Which does material part controul,
As body manag'd is by Soul;
These second causes are, whence spring
Existency to every thing,
To all sorts of beasts, fish, and fowl
(Let it be Badger, Dace or Owl)
Theres not an individual being,
But from these Elements you see spring,
(For nothing Nature can create
Without earth, water, air, and heat;)
These four, as it were, being tried,
And in a Limbick rarified,
76
Like quicksilver upon the joints,
And as 'tis variously compos'd,
So variously it is dispos'd,
For now in appetite 'tis boil'd,
Another time in grief turmoil'd,
To day it sneaks and shrinks for fear
With jealousie, doubt, and despair,
To morrow fits of joy come in
Making it ready leap from skin.
Now when this life forsakes the lump
Of body by deaths utmost thump,
It's tost and tumbled in the air
Like smoak or feather here and there,
It has no cloaths, no not a smock
So much to keep it from a shock:
Sometimes it feels the heavy rap
Of hail-stones or a thunder-clap:
In Sun-beams fryed, in frost benum'd,
By showers half-drown'd, and by storms thrumb'd:
Thus being naked becomes more
Weather-beaten than before.
But like a ship that has been banded
By waves and winds at length is landed,
77
It shall arrive to quiet haven:
Then when time's snake is wreath'd about
This life is cleans'd and purg'd throughout,
From filthy thoughts with which 'twas tainted
When with the lower air acquainted:
'Tis put into a modish dresse
Pester'd with weather, lice or fleas.
Anchises had his fair speech ended,
Which nothing to the purpose tended.
Then down the way he led along
Towards the giddy-headed throng:
Himself, the Sibyl and his Son
Got up upon a tomb of stone,
Because they thought it not so good
To be at flats with multitude:
Besides if there had been no less thing
'Twas cause enough to avoid pressing.
Now quoth Anchises fix your eyes
And mark what Spirits shall arise,
I'l shew you plainly to your face
The Chavalieroes of our race;
Who shall in Italy bear sway,
And from the rest bear bell away;
78
With Javelin in his clutches lockt,
Shall first drop from the womb of night
Into the Regions of light,
Whom thou shalt get upon thy wife
At the latter end of life,
So that people of the town
Shall say the child is not thy own:
One that shall be as stout I'l warrant
As any Knight that ere rid errant.
The next is Procas of high worth,
With Capys, Numitor and so forth.
But look what yonder fellows are
See how they swagger, huff and swear,
As if they wou'd drink dry a fountain
And swallow at one bit a mountain:
These shall convert wild heaths and downs
Into Mart and Burrough-towns.
Nomentum, Fidenæ, and Bola,
Pomety, Gabii and Cora,
In every one of which a Mayor
Shall the sword of Justice bear,
With reverend Aldermen assistants
To Carbonadoe rogues, and miscreants.
79
Comes strutting like a Turky-cock;
Fame and report in time to come
Shall sound as loud as trump and drum,
And glory with a golden stamp
Shall coin his name as bright as lamp:
Have you not seen town full of people
Wherein stands a Cathedral steeple,
Which for it's bulk and antiquity
Is term'd by Geopraphers a City?
Such a Town Romulus shall found
And call it Rome for stately sound,
With walls and seven Towers lofty
To keep it in defence and safety.
House-keepers dwelling in this place
Shall be very well to passe
By the advantages of trade
And traffick which shall seldom fade:
From Bankers, Scriveners and Drapers
To old shoos, boots, and kennel-scrapers,
Scarce one but shall have in his purse
Enough to buy a score of us.
80
Here are the men when all is done,
These are Romans against weather,
As true as ever trod shoe-leather,
Fierce Julius, sirnamed Cæsar,
Who domineer shall at his pleasure,
With a mighty, high renown'd Augustus,
That shall be at the least a Justice.
He shall have jurisdiction o're
Turk, Tartar, Scythian, Jew and Moor,
Extending out his power and sway
Farther than Horse can reach a day:
Governours of Forts and Castles
Shall yield their rights up and be Vassals
In future expeditions, cries he,
Io, veni, vidi, vici:
He shall march to remoter coasts
Than where Alcides set up posts;
Alcides 'tis known well enough
Slew monstrous Stag with brazen hoof
And by the force of Cudgell basted
Wild Bore that Woods and Forrests wasted.
81
Bestrid triumphant butt and barrel
Drawn by a team of tugging Swine
Who rag'd with dreadful grunt and whine:
But what of that? Augustus shall come
To have the Government of all Rome.
Therefore O son, why art thou fearful,
Bestir thy stumps and go on chearful,
Words are but wind, nothing but action
Can give a wise man satisfaction.
But stay, what whipster gay and trim
With black Mustachoes on his chin
Moves on with slow and gentle pace?
Methinks (troth) I should know his face;
Gramercy (now I recollect)
'Tis Tullus sage and circumspect,
He shall be the man of the age,
And guide times in right equipage,
Reforming illegitimate Brutes
By power of wholsom Laws and Statutes.
Next Anchus height that swells as big
As Æsops toad or roasted pig,
One who ('tis pity) even now is
Conceited boaster of his prowesse.
82
(He's worth your observation, mark him)
Next Brutus with dire threat and frown
Follows like snarling Curr at clown,
This Brutus shall for freedom barter
And stand up stiff for City Charter.
He'l not admit or hear of thing
That sounds like Emperour or King,
He'l be a jot no more at odds
With Devils, than with earthly gods.
The man will therefore quite cashier 'em
And out by root and branches tear 'em,
So that by dealing with them fiercely
He'l tumble all things arsy versy:
As when the head submits to tail,
And State dwindles to Common-weal,
When Crown is doft in humble rate
To a Plebeian new-fumpt Hat,
When crafty roundheads booty share
Ravisht from honest Cavalier,
And those that were subjects before
Usurp authority and power,
When dame Religion and Zeal
From crimes to Justice do appeal,
And good deeds are but flams and flaws
If not in defence of the cause;
83
That he himself might be Protectour.
His two sons from the very strummel
Shall be as loyal as Dick Cromwel,
And oft at the barrels head and board
Shall drink healths to their fathers Landlord.
At length they'l make an insurrection,
But father brings 'em to correction.
First he'l have the wretches stript
And by the common hangman whipt,
With Cat a nine tails, until blood
Shall run down sides in purple flood,
And then they shall be packing sent
To be on scurvy gibbet pent,
Thus they shall be us'd worse than dogs,
Hang'd, drawn and cut abroad like hogs,
And quarters shall be stuck 'pon hooks
To be devour'd by pies and rooks.
Next come the Decii sworn brothers
By one father but several mothers.
Camillus also, in fleet who
Shall be the Admiral of the Blew,
With the ill natur'd grim Torquatus
Who looks as if he had a mind to 'ate us.
84
You may perceive are hand and glove,
But their society together
Seems too great to last for ever.
At length they'l alter in a word
From all honey into all t---
Though in civility 'tis fit
The elder shou'd have the more wit,
And t'other shou'd have so much grace
To know his quality and place.
The one shall do more harm in Greece
Than he that stole the Golden-fleece
He'l bring large bowties and rich Cargo's
From Corinth, Mycene, and Argos:
Much plate from thence in Carts and Waggons,
Tankards, Basons, Bowls, and Flaggons,
To Rome in triumph shall be led in
(Nay) even their very bed and bedding.
Yonder appear Cato and Cossus
Who look graver than brewers horses,
With Gracchus and bold Scipio,
That will to fighting sooner go
85
(The Devil's in 'em troth I think.)
Next comes Fabricius who shall know well
Mysteries of State and Plow-tail,
A Husbandman by his profession,
And yet a plaguy Politician.
With Serranus, that to a nail
Shall not come short of Machivail,
And yet he'l be bred but a Yeoman
Though afterwards in power some man.
Let some know how to shapen mettal
Into porridge-pot and kettal,
And others may have special skill
In sawing deal-board in a Mill.
And some have found out arts and ways
To form hard iron how they please,
Make grates for Seacoal, Andirons, Jacks,
With forty other houshold knacks,
Such as Shovel, Tongs and Fork,
And hook to fetch out bottle-cork.
Others may cut out in a stone
The statue of Heroe and Don,
And of the same stone make the shape
Of Lion, Mongrel, Horse or Ape.
Some in the Mathematicks may
Have a thousand things to say,
86
Cylindrus, Prisma, Pyramis,
Know how the Chapiter agrees
With the Conus, Basis, and the Freez.
Who by plodding devices can hit
The height of such and such a planet,
And in a narrow shindle take
The compass of the Zodiack.
But O thou son of Rome let this
Be thy only masterpiece,
To have an order and decorum
In the affairs of Court and Forum,
Be kind to honest bully Sanders
But pluck down proud and sawcy panders.
So said Anchises and withall,
Quoth he, here comes a General,
That shall the Carthaginians slay
And slash the French men hip and thigh.
Æneas spied out one that had
A good face, but his looks were bad,
With folded arms and lover-wise
Having his Hat down o're his eyes:
O Father, quoth he then, I wonder
What may be he there that goes yonder?
87
Is there to attend his worship,
By this retinue he seems one sure
Of no small quality and honour,
And yet methinks I spy some mark
Denotes him to be a shark.
Then, quoth Anchises, weeping sore,
This will be a meer son of a whore;
A Caterpillar, Rascal, Rogue,
A Thief, a Villain, Puppy-dog,
One that will be a very moth
O'th' Family, the scum and froth,
And yet the whelp will be a Souldier
None more resolute and bolder,
He'l make a venture of his neck on
Any exercise and weapon,
He'l fight (this of him may be sed)
With any man that wears a head.
Thus Father, Son, and the old Woman
Walkt along th' Elysian Common,
Mingling discourses here and there,
And building Castles in the ayr.
88
Two doors to enter in doth keep,
The eyes, to wit, which are suppos'd
Sometimes open, sometimes clos'd:
Æneas had lain long a napping
(These doors being shut) in quiet Cabbin,
When on a sudden opening them
He found he had been in a dream.
FINIS.
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