University of Virginia Library

THE WIFE OF AUCHTERMUCHTY.

Viri Humani, Salsi et Faceti, Gulielmi Sutherlandi,

Multarum Artium et Scientiarum Doctoris Doctissimi, Diploma.

Ubique gentium et terrarum,
From Sutherland to Padanarum,
From those who have six months of day,
Ad caput usque Bonæ Spei,
And farther yet, si forte tendat,
Ne ignorantiam quis prætendat,—
We, Doctors of the Merry Meeting,
To all and sundry do send greeting,
Ut omnes habeant compertum,
Per hanc præsentem nostram chartam,
Gulielmum Sutherlandum Scotum,
At home per nomen Bogsie notum,
Who studied stoutly at our College,
And gave good specimens of knowledge,
In multis artibus versatum,
Nunc factum esse doctoratum.
Quoth Preses, Strictum post examen,
Nunc esto Doctor; we said, Amen.
So to you all hunc commendamus,
Ut juvenem quem nos amamus,
Qui multas habet qualitates,
To please all humours and ætates.
He vies, if sober, with Duns Scotus,
Sed multo magis si sit potus.
In disputando just as keen as
Calvin, John Knox, or Tom Aquinas.
In every question of theology,
Versatus multum in trickology;
Et in catalogis librorum
Frazer could never stand before him;
For he, by page and leaf, can quote
More books than Solomon ere wrote.
A lover of the mathematics
He is, but hates the hydrostatics,
Because he thinks it a cold study,
To deal in water clear or muddy.
Doctissimus est medicinæ,
Almost as Boerhaave or Bellini.
He thinks the diet of Cornaro,
In meat and drink too scrimp and narrow,
And that the rules of Leonard Lessius,
Are good for nothing but to stress us.
By solid arguments and keen
He has confuted Doctor Cheyne,
And clearly prov'd by demonstration,
That claret is a good collation,
Sanis et ægris always better
Than coffee, tea, or milk and water;
That cheerful company, cum risu,
Cum vino forti, suavi visu,
Gustatu dulci, still has been
A cure for hyppo and the spleen;
That hen and capon, vervecina,
Beef, duck and pasties,cum ferina,
Are good stomachics, and the best
Of cordials, probatum est.
He knows the symptoms of the phthisis,
Et per salivam sees diseases,
And can discover in urina,
Quando sit opus medicina.
A good French nightcap still has been,
He says, a proper anodyne,
Better than laudanum or poppy,
Ut dormiamus like a toppy.
Affirmat lusum alearum,
Medicamentum esse clarum,
Or else a touch at three-hand ombre
When toil or care our spirits cumber,
Which graft wings on our hours of leisure,
And make them fly with ease and pleasure.
Aucupium et venationem,
Post longam nimis potationem,
He has discover'd to be good
Both for the stomach and the blood,
As frequent exercise and travel,
Are good against the gout and gravel.
He clearly proves the cause of death
Is nothing but the want of breath,
And that indeed is a disaster,
When 'tis osccasion'd by a plaster
Of hemp and pitch, laid closely on
Somewhat above the collar-bone.
Well does he know the proper doses
Which will prevent the fall of noses,
E'en keep them, qui privantur illis,
Ægrè utuntur conspicillis.
To this, and ten times more, his skill
Extends when he could cure or kill.
Immensam cognitionem legum
Ne prorsus hic silentio tegam,
Cum sociis artis, grease his fist,
Torquebat illas as you list;
If laws for bribes are made, 'tis plain,
They may be bought and sold again;
Spectando aurum now we find
That Madam Justice is stone blind,
So deaf and dull in both her ears,
The clink of gold she only hears;
Nought else but a loud party shout
Will make her start or look about.
His other talents to rehearse,
Brevissimè in prose or verse,
To tell how gracefully he dances,
And artfully contrives romances,
How well he arches, and shoots flying,
(Let no man think that we mean lying),
How well he fences, rides and sings,
And does ten thousand other things;
Allow a line, nay, but a comma,
To each, turgeret hoc diploma;
Quare, ut tandem concludamus,
Qui brevitatem appprobamus,
(For brevity is always good,
Providing we be understood),
In rerum omnium naturis,
Non minus quam scientia juris
Et medicinæ, Doctoratum
Bogsæum novimus versatum;
Nor shall we here say more about him,
But you may dacker if you doubt him.
Addamus tamen hoc tantillum
Duntaxat nostrum hoc sigillum,
Huic testimonio appensum,
Ad confirmandum ejus sensum,
Junctis chirographis cunctorum,
Blyth, honest, hearty sociorum.
Dabamus at a large punch-bowl,
Within our proper common school,
The twenty-sixth day of November,
Ten years, the date we may remember,
After the race of Sheriffmuir,
(Scotsmen will count from a black hour).
Ab omni probo nunc signetur,
Qui denegabit extrudetur.