University of Virginia Library

The Gossip's Visit:

Or, An Alley-Comedy, call'd, Female Tittle Tattle.

1 Gos.
Neighbour, Good Morrow! How d'ye do?

2 Gos.
Thank you kind Neighbour, How do you?

1 Goss.
Tho' I'm in hast, I could no more,
I Vow and Swear, pass by the Dore
Without just calling in upon ye,
To take a Kiss of Little Johnny,
Than I could fly—

2 Goss.
—'Tis kindly done;
How does your Spouse, and little Son?

1 Goss.
All very well; But by the way,
How does your Husband do to Day?
I hear, poor Man, he'as got a Hurt,
I Vow I'm very sorry for't.
How came this ugly Chance about,
I hope there's nothing Broke or out;
Alas, he's ill in Bed I fear,
Because I do not see him here.

2 Goss.
No he's at Work as he is us'd,
Altho' his Face is sadly bruis'd:
A drunken Sot, 'tis no great matter,
'Twill teach the Fool more Wit hereafter.
If Men will Drink beyond their Senses,
And put no bounds to their Expences,
But guzzle till they rave and squabble,
And fight each other cross the Table;
If harm come's on't, the Sots I think,

1 Goss.
How was it pray, and what about,
Could two such Loving Friends fall out
As Clumsy Tom, and your Good Man,
For they were always Cup and Can:
Alas, who'd think the Strong Beer Barrel
Should make such old Companions Quarrel?

2 Goss.
Why, Tom the Porter being Mellow,
And Tom, you know's a foul-mouth'd Fellow,
Happen'd, I think, in's Cups to call
My Husband Cuckold, that was all:
And he's a pievish silly Man
That cannot bear what others can;
So touchy when the Maggot takes him,
That even pointing thus, will vex him;
So that altho' 'twas only spoke
I dare to swear by way of Joke,
Yet was my angry Wasp as Eager
To fight, as if he 'ad been a Tyger,
When all the while, as Tom protested,
He meant no harm, but only Jested.
Cuckold, you know's a word of course,
What Man would think himself the worse
For being call'd so, when he knows
The silly Name can't hurt his Brows?
However John, to show his Valour,
Took Tom the Porter by the Collar:
And told him, That he'd make him Eat
His Words as surely as his Meat.
With that they fell to't cross the Table,
And box'd as long as they were Able;
At last when both the silly Oafs
Were tir'd with Bruises Kicks and Cuffs,
And that their Breath was almost spent,
The Fools gave over by Consent,
Shook Hands and drank to one another
Kindly, as Brother could to Brother,
So were good Friends the following Minute,
And this they say is all that's in it.
Only my Waspish angry Sot
Is sadly bruis'd, I pitty'm not;
But hope 'twill make the wrangling Beast
Know better how to take a Jeast.

1 Goss.
But hark ye Neighbour, let me tell ye
You're in the wrong, I think so really:
For since your Spouse took this Occasion
To Vindicate your Reputation,
In my opinion, you in short
Should value and Commend him for't.
Suppose an Ill-bred foul-mouth'd Lubber,
No matter whether Drunk or Sober,
Should openly my Spouse disgrace,
And Call him Cuckold to his face,
What must he make, ad's Flesh and Life,
Of me that am the Cuckold's Wife?
Were any saucy Jack to Jeer him
With such a Name, and I to hear him,
I Vow I'd have the Rascal's Blood,
Or tear his Eyes out if I cou'd:
Cuckold, the very thought I vow
Makes me all Chill I know not how.
But, Bless me, what do I do here!
I must be running Home I'll Swear;
My patient Spouse, I'll war'nt, will think
I'm gone to the Devil for his Drink;
But that's my Comfort that he knows
I vallue not his Words or Blows:
Look you, say I, be quiet John,
You know I'll give you two to one;
Well, but I vow I must be going,
He may well wonder what I'm doing.

2 Goss.
What need you be in such a hurry,
Pray sit you down the time you tarry;
Tho', I confess, I scarce can Court ye,
My Brats have made my Room so dirty;
But tho' you've chanc'd to catch me nasty,
I hope that makes you not so hasty.

1 Goss.
Laird Neighbour Spriggins, what d'ye mean,
I think you're always very Clean,
I wonder e'ery time I see it,
How you can keep your House so neat.

2 Goss.
Nay, don't you say so, for I vow
You Jeer me to some purpose now;
I know that your House always lies
Like any Charming Paradice;
But as for mine, my Rampant Rogues
Run scamp'ring out without their Clogs:
And tho' new clean'd, if they come in it,
'Tis all o'er Dirty in a Minute,

1. Goss.
It can't be help'd all People know
Where there are Children 'twill be so.

2. Goss.
But well remember'd, I have got,
The pleasant'st News just piping hot
You ever heard, I vow I'm sorry,
I should forget so good a story,
And keep it from you all this while,
Because I'm sure 'twill make you Smile.

1. Goss.
You know I'm trusty, pray declare it,
For I'm impatient till I hear it,
If 'tis a Secret talk the lower,
There may be List'ners at the Door:
I want to know this merry Tale,
That is (you say) so Comical.

2. Goss.
Don't you remember you have seen,
A Tall Young Minx with Topknot Green,
That us'd most commonly to go,
In Grazet Gown and Furbuloe?
Why should I question it, I'm sure,
You can't do otherwise than know her:
She Lodge's with my Neighbour Tuffen,
I'm certain you have seen her often.

1.Goss.
Yes, yes, I know the lofty Quean,
Is that the haughty Minx you mean;
If all be true as Folks report,
She's not a Stranger to 'he Sport;
Nay, some will say She's been at had 'em,
But pray what is your News of Madam.

2. Goss.
Last Night it seems th'Informers watch'd her,
And in a Common Bawdyhouse catch'd her;
Upstairs upon a Bed some tell ye,
With Stubs's, that nasty Rogue the Bailey;
For which my Lady and her Hostess,
Were taken both before the Justice,
Who sent 'em as he had good Reason,
To that most shameful Place New Prison.
Stubs's Wife hearing what was acted,
Rattles and Raves like one distracted,
And is so furious that She crys out,
She'll pull her Nose off and her Eyes out;
And vows if e'er the brazen Whore,
Comes near her Husband any more,
She'll ne'er forgive her the Affront,
But be her Death what e'er comes on't.

1. Goss.
Truly I cannot blame his Wife,
I'd do the same upon my Life,
Such Strumpets by their evil Course,
Make honest Women fare the worse.
They shall be Coach'd about the Town,
Forsooth, and treated up and down;
Go in their Silks and Laces Drest,
And Eat, Pox Choak 'em, of the best.
Whilst we poor Fools that marry'd are,
Shall be grutch'd e'ery thing we wear,
And have no dainty bits but what,
Must be in hugger mugger got,
When you and I together go,
To my Dame Gurton's House or so,
To fling away a Market Penny,
Or spend a little Pinch-gut Money.

2. Goss.
That's true, but could you think this Jade,
Who looks as modest as a Maid,
Should e'er be catch'd, a murrain on her,
Sinning in such a shameful manner,
With that ill favour'd Fellow too,
The ugly'st Dog you ever knew;
E'faith it is a sign She wanted,
Poor silly Slut to be gallanted,
Or else the Giddy thoughtless Trollup
Would never sure have turn'd her Tail up,
To the worst Rake-hell in our Ally,
A nasty setting Dog, a Bailey.

1 Goss.
Lord how you talk, if once a Woman
T'oblige her wicked Lust turns Common,
She'll lye with any Man to ease her,
That has but you know what to please her.

2 Goss.
Well, but I'll swear was I inclin'd
To be like her, a little kind,
And did I really love the Sport,
But I'd not give Three Farthings for't,
I'd chuse a Man to please my Fancy,
That should be something like a Tansie,
Such as Will Jinkins or Tom Und'ril,
And not take up with e'ery Scoundrel.

1 Goss.
Since yon now talk of 'em I pray,
When saw you them—

2 Goss.
—The other Day:
They ask'd me kindly how you did,
And said I know not what beside;
Tho' I could tell you if I wou'd,
But that I fear 'twould make you Proud.

1 Goss.
Prithee let's hear, for I am certain
They could say nothing that there's hurt it.
Well, Neighbour, I shall ne'er forget,
How merry we were all one Night;
What, will it never so fall out,
That we may've such another Bout:
Jinkins I swear's a jolly Blade;
But Prithee tell me what they said.

2 Goss.
Why truly if I must be free,
They said you're excellent Company,
And would be very glad once more,
To meet us where we Drank before.

1 Goss.
I vow they both were very Civil,
I dare believe they mean no Evil;
I'll meet 'em there at any time
If you are willing, where's the Crime:
But bless me what am I doing,
Well, I protest I must be going,

2 Goss.
Why so uneasy of a sudden,
Pray Eat a bit of Beef and Pudding.
Believe me I'm extreamly sorry,
I've nothing else to set before ye.

1 Goss.
Thank you good Neighbour Pudding Cold,
Is said you know in Proverb old
To settle Love, but mine already
Is, G---d be thank'd, fix'd and steady.

2 Goss.
Lord Neighbour how you Pick and Piddle,
Pray Cut a Luncheon in the middle;
I wish'd you with us when 'twas Hot,
Pray Eat whilst I go fetch a Pot.

1 Goss.
Hold Neighbour, stay and take my Mony'
We'll have Two Quarts if we have any;
I have not Drank I dare to say,
Above One single Pot to Day.

2 Goss.
Pray put your Money up, d'ye think
I'll give you Victuals and no Drink.

1 Goss.
Nay take it—

2 Goss.
—But I vow I won't.

1 Goss.
I'll swear you shall.—

2 Goss.
—Nay prithee don't.

1 Goss.
Pray let us have no more dispute,
But add I say my Three Pence to't;
Besure as long as I have Money,
I'll not put all the Charge upon ye.

2 Goss.
I vow I hate this as I live,
Why should you be so positive;
I'm sure when e'er I visit you,
You give me Drink and Victuals too;
And therefore Neighbour you're to blame,
You will not let me do the same;
But since you will do what you list,
Tell me what Drink you like the best.

1 Goss.
I'd have such Liquor if I cou'd,
That makes good Milk and breeds good Blood.
Stout Knappy Ale, for to my thinking,
That's proper'st for a Nurses drinking;
If you'll but speak to honest Nan,
You know she'll please us if she can:
Tip but the Wink upon the Slut,
She'll Crown it with a dash of Stout;
The Master's but a surly Hog,
Besure you give the Wench the Jug.

2 Goss.
But least my Johnny should awake.
Before I happen to come back,
I beg you Neighbour whilst I go,
To jog the Cradle with your Toe.

1 Goss.
Exit one Gossip with the Pitcher.

1 Goss.
Hush, Lullaby my dainty Moppit,
How pale thou look'st my pretty Poppit;
Let's tuck thee in and keep the warm,
Poor little Fool thou think'st no harm:
What wicked cruel Sluts must they be,
That e'er could hurt so dear a Babee;
Yet have I heard of bar'brous Whores
Who've drop'd their Brats at other's Doors;
I'm sure I could at Tyburn swing,
Rather than do so base a thing;
Let such a Slut say what she can,
That Woman cannot love a Man,
To drop a Child of his begetting,
That will be yielding or abetting,
What tho its sinfully begot,
The Infant is not in the Fau't,
That had no Pleasure in the Sport,
Why therefore should it suffer for't,
The sinful Action all agree,
Is past before the Child can be.
How then can wicked Parents blame
The Babe for being got in Shame;
As if unthinking Innocence
Had bore a share in the Offence. [Enter Gossip with the Drink]

—Here's Ale, you merry Crack,
As strong as Mum, and clear as Sack;
See how it smiles, no Bottle Drink
Can bear a better Head, I think.

1. Goss.
It looks most rarely, I confess it,
But drink, for that's the way to praise it;
Come let's remember, if you will,
Young Jenkins and Tom Underhil.

2. Goss.
Done, here's their Healths withall my Heart,
I'd off with't were the Cup a Quart.

1. Goss.
Well done, old Girl, I love to see
A Woman take it heartily,
And not make Faces when she drinks,
As if sh'was such a modest Minx,
That could not drink one flowing Bowl,
Altho she loves it with her Soul;
And in her Chamber or her Closet,
Will take off ten when no Man knows it.

2. Goss.
Neighbour, you see I fill it up,
I love to drink a hearty Cup,
Come Gossip, here's the 'foresaid Health,
May they have alwaps Strength and Wealth,
That the two PP's may never fail 'em;
[illeg.] play the Wag and tell'em
For 'tis not fit tkat Men shou'd hear
What Women tattle o're their Beer; [Drinks

'Tis gone Efaith, I'll swear 'tis good,
I feel't already in my Blood.
This Nan I vow's an honest Trout,
The Gypsy has not spar'd the Stout,
'Tis soft and strong, I really think
No Duches can have better Drink.

1 Goss.
Marry come up, why should not we
Quaff as good Ale as Quality;
We pay for't honestly I'm sure,
My Lady Flirt can do no more;
Nay, some of 'em, for all their Pride,
Or else they basely are bely'd,
Eat, drink and wear what Tradesmen find
They pay for when the Devil's blind.

2 Goss.
Why truly Neighbour, tho they squint
At us, poor Folk, there's nothing in't,
But Pride, Conceit, and Ostentation,
Meer Vanities too much in Fashion;
'Tis true, they patch and paint their Faces,
And wear rich Silks and Flanders Laces,
Powder their Arm-pits and their Hair,
Use Orange Water you know where,
Anoint their Skins with sweet Pomatums,
To charm the Beaus and such Fool-atums;
When poor Folks should, they use such Art,
Would smell as sweet in e'ry part,
And were they but adorn'd as gay,
Would look as beautiful as they.

2 Goss.
Good Neighbour drink, I hate delaying,
I vow I shall be hang'd for staying.

1 Goss.
Laird you're so hasty, come her's t'ye,
Remembring honest—let me see,
Prithee do you Name who't shall be,
Let me be kiss'd if I can think
What Health to Name or whose to Drink.

1 Goss.
Amongst old Sweethearts, are there none
That's worth your present thinking on;
No Spark among the Am'rous Crew,
That you still love, or that loves you.

2 Goss.
Yes I am sure, there's honest Will
The Coachman, truly loves me still;
Come drink his Health, he'd fain have had me,
But nothing could, forsooth, perswade me;
A Thousand ways he strove to win me,
But I believe the Dev'l was in me,
Or else I'd had the best of Men,
But I was young and foolish then,
Yet tho at last it prov'd my Lot,
To wed with such an idle Sot.
If there be truth in what Men say,
Will loves me to this very day,
Which makes my froppish Fool so yellow,
He can't be civil to the Fellow;
But thinks, because the Sot has seen us
Shake Hands, there's God knows what between us

1 Goss.
What's the Jug out, well, Neighbour, now
I must be running home I'll vow.
With what Excuse must I asswage
My fretting Husband's thirsty Rage?
Where have you been, you Whore? Quoth he;
You Rogue, say I, what's that to thee:
No hang it, that will never do,
For Blows will angry Words ensue;
He sent me for a Pint of Drink,
Therefore the better way I think,
'Sto carr' him home a double Pot,
And that I'm sure will please the Sot.
Neighbour, farewel, what shifts we Wives
Are forc'd to make for quiet Lives.

2 Goss.
Good by' t'y' kindly; I am sure
Maids little think what Wives endure.