University of Virginia Library

To an Humourist, who married a most ugly super annuated Maid.

Ods Zookers, honest, gallant, Harry,
What put it in thy Head to marry?
Or, if thou could'st not help thy Fate,
Why did'st thou chuse a monstrous Mate?
What Man, that wore his Eyes aright,
Wou'd couple with her, in Day Light?
She's such a huddled, ill-made Thing,
Sure, Nature's Pow'rs lay slumbering,
When she was form'd. Upon my Life,
Thou'st got the Devil of a Wife.
Damnation's scarce a greater Curse,
Than This, for better and for worse.
Nay, be not angry—for no Muse
In Conscience can thy Deed excuse:
And mine, instead of hearty Hailing,
Can hardly be with-held from Railing.
Who ever saw so wide a Mouth,
Stretch'd, like the Poles, from North to South?
The Lips how thin! the Teeth how black!
That sallow Skin! that Bow-bent Back!
These hagged Eyes! this tow'ring Nose!
Breath, that outvies Beargarden, pos!
In Her, all Imperfections meet,
And every one outstinks Fish-street!
Phy, Harry, wert thou in thy Senses?
But 'tis in vain to make Defences.
Ha! now, I think, by this Alliance,
Thou bid'st all Jealousy Defiance:
And, whilst we Fools our Senses please,
Thou cur'st thy Lust by a Disease.
Others, with little Toil and Care,
Address, and doat upon the Fair:
But Thou, great Hero, durst encounter
Deformity it self, and mount her,
Like brave Saint George, thou lay'st thy Leg on
The Top of this prodigious Dragon;
And boldly break'st, advent'rous Deed!
The Barriers of her Maiden-Head.
Now sleep, my Friend, in full Content—
No Man will steal thy Punishment.
'Twou'd be a double Crime to break
Thy Orchard, for thy Fruitage' Sake.
But, when old Age, or Sickness, raze
And ruin many a goodly Face;
Thou, to thy Comfort, may'st rejoice,
To see the Wisdom of thy Choice.
As Nought can mend, so Nought by Force,
Can make thy Favourite Night-Piece worse.