The Works of John Hall-Stevenson :: :: University of Virginia Library

I shall so handle, by God's blessing,
The subject-matter of my text,
That you will soon grow tired of guessing
What I propose to offer next;
An art, if studied with some care,
Which in its object seldom fails,
And, though first practis'd on the Fair,
Succeeds as often with the males.
By means of this sublime invention,
Many an Orator and Clerk,
Eluding the most strict attention,
Has woo'd and won you in the dark.

106

The head and heart are often ta'en,
Like other fortresses, by storm;
Some cannot stand a coup de main,
That would hold out a siege in form.
Inspired Cromwell and Sir Harry ,
Like eagles mounting in their flight,
Would never stoop to strike their quarry,
Till both were lost and out of sight:
Despising rules above all plan,
Borne on the wings of prayer and praise,
Bursting into the inward man,
They set the spirit in a blaze;
Which, by the outward man's assistance,
Serv'd for a beacon to the godly,
And kept the Devil at a distance,
He look'd so fierce, and talk'd so oddly.

I hate to wander very wide;
A skilful orator proceeds,
Like modest folks that step aside
Only when forc'd to do their needs.

107

So Senators by antient use,
When they no longer can contain,
Just step aside to spirt abuse,
And to their text return again.

The battle is not to the strong,
The race is sometimes to the lame;
'Tis neither strength, nor right nor wrong,
Nor skill; 'tis Chance that wins the game.
We see you're worsted in the battle;
There yet arises a dispute,
Which may be difficult to settle,
Who is the weaker, you or Bute?
Taking it either way for granted,
If you are out, and he is in,
There's still a point to be descanted;
Whether it signifies a pin:
Then for your Graces and each Whig,
Another point requires some thought,
Whether you both are worth a fig;
Or all your party worth a groat.

108

These points discuss'd, and fairly tried,
The rest in order will succeed;
Drawn out, display'd, and ramify'd,
Like pedigrees, or like a creed.

First, then, I'll shew that you are weaker;
So weak and washy that you may be,
By any weak and washy speaker,
Prov'd to be weaker than a baby.

Weakness is of a two-fold kind,
And is of different degrees,
Either of body or of mind;
Explain'd by acts that flow from these;
That from the mind and body flow
Like torrents, oft with ostentation;
But those that know them also know,
How soon they're dry, ev'n to privation.
How soon the Bully's race is run!
How soon his impotence descry'd!
How soon the simple Maid's undone
That trusts her Virtue to her Pride!

109

How soon that eloquence so rapid,
Whipt to verbosity and froth,
Subsides, and grows tasteless and vapid,
And innocent as chicken broth!

Like a young Puppy forc'd to clamber,
Slipping and struggling up a stile,
I once got to a levee chamber,
And was embarrass'd for a while;
The dog finds footing at the top,
He wags his tail, and cocks his eye,
Before he leaps, he makes a stop,
And makes remarks; and so did I.
I shou'd have wept, but by good luck,
Instead of being melancholy,
I laugh'd to see so many struck
With imbecillity and folly;
To see so many as one finds;
So many, with the greatest names,
Entangled in the weakest minds,
And the most despicable frames.
I pitch'd on one, whom I affirm
To be a perfect scale or model,

110

To try a body that's infirm,
Or mark the weakness of a noddle.
I saw the phantom enter in;
He look'd as if he came to fright us;
Dancing with a palsied grin,
The dance according to St. Vitus.
A ring was form'd; with starts and catches,
He scuttled round and round within it,
Just like the pointers of some watches,
That point the seconds of a minute.
His eyes were void of speculation,
His nerves, entirely void of feeling,
His tongue was made for hesitation,
His legs were only made for reeling.
How should an Olive Chaplet twine
Round so ridiculous a Wig?
How should such shoulders, such a chine,
Produce one single Olive Twig ?

111

Do but apply, 'twill save much trouble,
This model, for your own diversion;
If Bute's not stronger more than double,
Mine was an impudent assertion.

Though one of you, in his first stage,
Made an athletic mobbish figure,
When did he shew, at any age,
Any other kind of vigour?
Your rival's vigour and address,
At such an age, such strength and fire,
Such a continuance of success
Many folks envy; I admire.
Not to insist upon this longer,
For it can only teaze and vex,
He is allow'd to be the stronger
By the best judges in each sex.
I see you'll wave this point at length,
Perhaps such glory you despise;
Perhaps you place your greatest strength
Upon the strength of your allies.

112

Ye sons of Vice and vain designs,
What heat, what force, can you impart,
Tied by the bonds of dice and quinze,
And the loose follies of the heart?
A union deriv'd from pelf,
Where each contributes his whole labour,
Each only working for himself,
Leaves his engagements to his neighbour;
Like those machines, absurd and puzzling,
Where no one spring controuls the rest,
All independent and all bustling,
As if they acted for the best;
Like an alliance with the Tartars,
They hurt your friends more than your foes;
To keep them out of one's own quarters,
Is all the good one can propose.
Such troops must fly from you and ruin,
Driven by an instinctive force,
Like Wild Geese, when a storm is brewing,
Flying o'er Newmarket Course.

113

Your happy rival's powers behold,
United like the Theban band,
By Love, but not the love of gold,
Nor any Love I understand.
The men of Cocoa take the lead,
Not for their enmity to Pit,
Nor for the love they bear the Tweed,
Nor for their Valour, nor their Wit;
Nor for their Loyalty, in brief,
Which they have very lately slipt on;
But for their faith, and firm belief
In second sight , and mother Shipton.
Inflam'd with wine they scour the fields,
Than any Bacchanalians madder,
With quaint devices on their shields,
Jacob's staff, and Jacob's ladder.

114

Obedient, inur'd to toils,
Their Northern brethren next appear,
Big with the prospect of your spoils,
His exil'd forces close the rear.
Pride is hateful in Heaven's sight,
But vanity it must forgive;
Without it, none would ever write;
And many would not bear to live.
Vanity soon begins to droop,
Snubb'd by the slightest opposition;
But stubborn pride will neither stoop
To Heaven, nor the Inquisition.
If any pride be lurking here,
Of which I harbour no belief,
Whether a Commoner or Peer,
I give him up to endless grief.
Such imputation on your Graces
Admits no shadow of pretence;
You both have acted in all cases,
Divested of that sinful sense.
To such as you I mean to speak,
My preaching has no other scope,

115

To the poor-spirited and meek,
They shall find comfort and sure hope.
Lest vanity upon the road
Should draw you in to a relapse,
I must still urge you with my goad,
And give you mortifying raps.

Of mental strength next I shall treat,
The vulgar claim so great a share,
'Tis of less value with the great,
Though not less worthy of their care:
For, by the help of thy firm stuff,
The vulgar, now and then, no doubt,
Contrive to do things well enough;
Almost as well as you without.

Some minds are active, fiery, bold;
Some to neutrality inclin'd;
Others are timorous and cold,
Totally passive and resign'd.
The first is like a zealot preaching;
The neutral like a rosy Dean;

116

The passive like a curate teaching,
Hungry and weary, poor and lean:
Or like a cuckold doom'd by fate
To rise when his lieutenant knocks,
And give up both his bed and mate,
As if he kept a play-house box:
Or like some governments we know,
The first, a monarch to a tittle;
The neutral serves to make a shew;
The passive serves for very little.
Lastly, the first in many senses
Is like his Lordship with his hounds,
Breaking down every body's fences,
Riding in every body's grounds;
All things obey his Lordship's beck;
All yield to his superior skill,
His poor toad-eater breaks his neck,
Compell'd to leap against his will.
As for these three which we have reckon'd,
Your Graces evermore possess'd
Less of the first than of the second;
More of the third than all the rest.

117

The active principle within
Produces sometimes on the brain
A rage and violence like gin,
Sometimes a spirit, like Champaigne.

O Hollis, once, but seldom since,
You felt that flame when you withstood,
And sent a challenge to a Prince,
To fight for an old Lady's Hood ;
Spite of that Prince's opposition,
The hood was won, in triumph led,
And from that time your chief ambition
Has been to wear it on your head.
In short, the mental powers of late
You've by degrees so melted down,
They only serv'd like your gold plate,
To do the honours of the crown.
The powers in which you are most able,
In which you both have always shone,
Have small weight at a council table,
Or any tables but your own.

118

One may be forc'd to use their aid;
But these, indeed, are times of need,
Just as one's forc'd to ride a Jade,
Though she has neither wind nor speed:
If you bait oft, if you rise soon,
If when she's staling you'll attend,
And nap not in the afternoon,
She'll bring you to your journey's end.

Your Graces should have been inclin'd
To move like planets in your places;
To plodding, one have been confin'd;
One to the circle of grimaces.
I mean oblig'd only to plod,
To plod and not to understand;
No more oblig'd than a white rod
Is bound to be a Conjuror's wand.
A thing design'd to catch the eye,
That knows no other end or trick;
All that is signify'd thereby
Is nothing more than a white stick.

119

'Tis borne by Chamberlains and Shrieves,
But why, I can no more explain,
Than why a Bishop wears lawn sleeves,
Or why a page must bear his train;
Or why Archbishops should not rather
Give up to God with one accord,
The title of Most Reverend Father ,
And be content with that of Lord.
Why Kings, that are such precious things,
Are made, like us, of flesh and bones;
Instead of making them like rings,
Nothing but gold and precious stones.
Or why it is esteem'd so hard
To fall into some lady's clutches,
That a red ribbon's the reward
For venturing to wed a Duchess.

120

Your rival's parts I will not mention;
And yet, to give him but his due,
There's no occasion for invention
To prove that he has more than you.
Great parts are oft expos'd to laughter;
To wickedness are oft ally'd,
Those are best off here and hereafter,
That have no more than they can guide.
You are the foremost of the latter,
Be satisfied, no more contend,
And I foresee; I do not flatter,
You'll make a sweeter latter end.
Your rival having made his push,
And kick'd you out without remorse,
Whether it signifies a rush,
Is the next part of my discourse.

If you are treated ill and put on,
'Tis natural to make a fuss;
To see it and not care a button,
Is just as natural for us.

121

Perhaps from men of greater Fashion
Greater professions you may draw,
You may extract all their compassion,
The extract is not worth a straw.
Like people viewing at a distance
Two persons thrown out of a casement,
All we can do for your assistance
Is to afford you our amazement.
We see men thrown from a high story,
And never think the sight's so odd,
Whether the patient's Whig or Tory,
But take things as it pleases God.
For an impartial looker on,
In such disasters never chuses;
'Tis neither Tom, nor Will, nor John;
'Tis the phænomenon amuses.
In Holland thus, Peter the Great,
Wanting to see a live dissection,
Bid them take any of his suite,
To be cut up for his inspection.

122

He car'd not where the choice might fall,
Of persons he was no respecter,
He would have parted with them all
For such an edifying lecture.
In characters like his complete,
No partial preferences strike,
Like him great monarchs ought to treat
Their loving subjects all alike.
Whilst such an enmity endures,
Bones must be broken, heads must ake,
We had as lief they should be yours,
As any others for your sake.

Sermons, especially of late,
Like most Narcoticks, are too heady;
They sink you with a deadly weight,
Unless you have sharp acids ready.
If this should be too sharp and biting,
I do protest 'tis my mistake;
I have no thoughts at all of spiteing;
I only want to keep you awake.

123

I must entreat you not to doze,
Keep a good watch over your heads;
At night you'll find that your repose
Will be more pleasant in your beds.

I find your Graces hope for favour,
And dream of popular applause;
For a most regular behaviour,
A strict conformity to laws.
And you insinuate, your rival
Has tenets hurtful to the state;
That all his aim is the revival
Of every tenet that we hate.
But if his interest's the same,
As it's the same with yours in fact,
When he's pursuing the same game,
You need not tell us how he'll act.
Like you, entrusted with his purse,
Why should he, when he knows his trim,
Exchange his master for a worse?
I only mean a worse for him.

124

Like you he may grow so refin'd,
When all his intellects are purg'd,
To think that Princes were design'd,
Not for a scourge, but to be scourg'd:
If he has been a friend to learning,
And early plighted her his troth,
Like you he may grow more discerning,
Like you he may become a Goth.

Pray, where's the mighty obligation,
For leaving matters as you found them?
Is it because of the temptation,
When they're well settled, to confound them?

You are no Jacobite I ween;
You have despis'd them from a boy;
Just as a Chinese Mandarine,
Despises a poor Talapoi

125

Your lives, your wealth, for which I'm troubled,
In the Court's service have been spent:
The more fools you, both to be bubbled,
And damn'd, unless you well repent.
What's that to us? must we the rabble
All fall together by the ears
For an uninteresting squabble,
Amongst you interested Peers!
Why should we run and heat our blood,
And be stirr'd up to an alarm,
For men that cannot do us good
And dare not do us any harm?
You've heard the words of an old song,
A wiser than the song of songs,
That certain folks can do no wrong;
Others must answer for their wrongs.
Were I to answer for another,
Both drunk and sober, sad and gay,
Even if 'twas for my own brother,
I'd think on't often in a day.

126

If this has sometimes made you pale,
And made the sweat run down your phiz,
Why should we think that it can fail
To have the same effect on his?

Your Graces are deceiv'd no less,
In our opinion of the skill
Requir'd for charges, which we guess
Any one of us could fill.
Though some may rate your science high,
'Tis all pretension and parade,
To a judicious stander-by
Your skill and science is a trade.

But not to mention your fine measures,
When was such folly ever known,
To trust one with the nation's treasures,
That can't be trusted with his own?
Must it not always be in straits,
For ever growing worse and worse;
For ever pledg'd like your estates,
Like them for ever sent to nurse?

127

From such opinions you'll conclude,
That, far from wond'ring at your parts,
We all conceive ourselves endu'd
With as much skill, and as good hearts.

My thoughts of Government, though vain,
Are singular and entertaining:
How many parts it may contain,
And what they're like, is worth explaining.
They're three, and each like a wild beast:
The first to a lion I compare;
The next a tiger from the East;
The third is like an Alpine bear.
The former with sheeps heads are fed,
Flesh is best suited to their maws;
The bear will live upon rye bread,
And on the suckings of his paws;
Bruin's not nice about his food,
But very fond of fun and play,
He's neither covetous of blood,
Nor sullen like those beasts of prey.

128

Suppose them thrust into one den,
Carefully manag'd and observ'd
By any of those vulgar men
By whom such animals are serv'd;
To keep their union entire,
They must be brought up all together;
And, if they're fed as they require,
They may be govern'd by a feather.
But, should their keeper without scruple,
Let out his Lion in a crowd,
Neither th' excuses of the pupil
Or governor will be allow'd.
They'll send the Tutor for his frolick
(Shooting his Pupil in their rage),
To lie like Quixote in the cholick,
Stinking in an enchanted cage.
'Tis all the same, Tiger or Lion,
It would have been as bad a job;
The Bear was safer to rely on,
The Bear's a favourite of the mob.

129

I hope your Graces at last see,
That we, who never taste your feasts,
Care little whether you or he
Have the direction of the beasts.

Your value has been fairly stated;
Nothing remains but to enquire,
Whether your party can be rated,
With any reason, any higher.

Like the physicians of the college,
Or the physicians of the soul,
The Whigs, with greater zeal than knowledge
Would fain prescribe without controul.
Princes must bow to their decrees,
None of their fancies be neglected,
Their dreams, like Saxe's reveries,
Must both be study'd and respected.

If dreamers must reform the state,
If dreamers are to be the strongest,

130

Those ought to have the greatest weight,
That have continued to dream longest.
Yours are the latest and the newest,
And therefore I infer with truth,
Those are the strongest and the truest
That have been dreamers from their youth.
'Twill also follow from this view,
That all your schemes must come to nought;
That neither you, nor your whole crew,
Are all together worth a groat.
Say then, who are the strongest dreamers?
They who for ever have been croaking;
Whose dreams occasion sweats and tremors,
Convulsions, strangling, and choaking?

Those dreamers, Cocoa, are thy sons,
Entranc'd in visions half an age;
That come at last in swarms like Huns,
And drive the Whigs quite off the stage,
Oblig'd to seek, like routed bees,
A shelter for their wretched lives,

131

In dreary vales and hollow trees,
Far from St. James's honey'd hives.

Here I'll give you a resting place,
The only place in my disposal;
People in your neglected case
Ought to be glad of the proposal.
It is a Sinecure complete,
Which for your lives I'll let you keep;
Nothing to do but drink and eat,
To shave, repent, and go to sleep.

All your miscarriages arise,
In spite of all that you advance,
From your pretending to be wise,
And not depending upon Chance.
When did Chance fail you at a pinch?
How many times, you know full well,
When you durst hardly ask an inch,
Has not she given you an ell?
How many years, to our surprize,
When foes oppos'd you without number,

132

Subsidies, Armies, Fleets, Supplies,
Kept rolling on in one smooth slumber?
By Time and Chance at first you rose,
By Time and Chance at last you fall;
They humble you, and raise your foes,
For Time and Chance happen to all.
Be therefore patient and resign'd,
To Time and Chance alone attend;
Trust not yourselves in any kind;
You cannot trust a weaker friend.
The battle is not to the strong,
Nor have the weak always prevail'd;
If they succeeded all along,
Your Graces never could have fail'd.
You're us'd to Sermons better dress'd,
But exercise, and country air,
Will help your Graces to digest
My coarse, but not unwholesome, fare.
And may the peace of God enlighten,
And set your hearts and minds at rest!
And may you evermore delight in
A snug and comfortable nest!

133

And that which you could have no hand in,
The peace of Bute, upon you shine;
A peace above your understanding,
As much as yours was above mine.

Sir Harry Vane.

It is an observation founded upon experience, that the same qualifications that enable a man to go through the office of a domestic peace-maker will frequently, especially in some of our Northern courts, make an able and a successful negotiator.

Some Refiners pretend, that by Second Sight is meant that pertinacity with which the Cocobites, like the Jews, are constantly looking for a second Redeemer or Messiah; and that their faith in mother Shipton means their zealous attachment to the church, that is, to the old infallible church, whose infallibility is founded upon anility; a term used by schoolmen for the most perfect kind of tradition; for tradition derived from the most remote age, which is dotage.

Chancellorship of Cambridge, which he carried against the late Prince of Wales.

The title of Most Reverend Father is impious. Surely God the Father is the Father the most worthy of Reverence. As to the title of a Spiritual Lord, I see no inconvenience in their assuming it; at least, like your Grace or your Worship, it implies no impiety; it only implies nonsense. Where is the sense of a Spiritual Lord, or a Heavenly Lord? All the lords that we know are either British lords or Irish lords: carnal, substantial, and Terra Firma Lords.

The Talapois are a sect of Indian Philosophers, whose system of happiness runs upon four wheels: Idleness, Ignorance, Obstinacy, and Beggary.