The Search after Claret :: :: University of Virginia Library

The Search after Claret

or, A Visitation of the Vintners. A Poem In two Cantos [by Richard Ames]

Ames, Richard

[epigraph]

[section]

THE Epistle Dedicatory.

[From keeping our Christmas, not far from Tom. Jolly's]

CANTO. I.

II.

CANTO II.

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THE Epistle Dedicatory.

To all Lovers, Admirers and Doters on Claret,
(Who tho' at Deaths-Door, yet can hadly forbear it)
Who can Miracles credit, and fancy Red-Port
To be Sprightly Puntack, and the best of the sort.
To all Mornings-draught Men, who drink bitter Wine,
To Create a false Stomach against they'r to Dine.
To all Tavern-kitchen Frequenters and Haunters,
Who go thither to hear Mistress Cooks foolish Banters,
To Partake of a Dumpling, or Sop in the Pan;
A Large Rummer Drank up, troop as fast as they can.
To all sober Half-Pint Men, and serious Sippers.
To all old Maudlin Drinkers, and 12 a Clock Bibbers,
To all Drinking Committees, Knots, Clubs, Corporations
Who while others are snoaring, they'r settling the Nations
To all the brisk Beau's who think Life but a Play,
Who make Day like the Night, and turn Night into Day.
To all Lovers of Red and White-Port, Syracuse,
Barcelona, Navarr, or Canary's sweet Juice.

To all Drinkers of Sherry, Old Hock, or Moselle,
Or of Tent, which soon teaches the Flesh to Rebel.
To all Alicant-Tasters, and Malaga-Sots.
To all Friends to Straw-Bottles, and Nicking QuartPots.
To all Bacchus his Friends, who have Taverns frequented,
This following Poem
Is Humbly Presented.

[From keeping our Christmas, not far from Tom. Jolly's]

CANTO. I.

From keeping our Christmas, not far from Tom. Jolly's,
Where innocent Mirth without Gambals and Follies,
Where a plentiful Table, and strong humming Liquor,
Serv'd to lengthen the Days, and make Night pass the quicker;
Half tyr'd with that Freindship and Kindness was shown,
My Friend and my Self then resolv'd for the Town,
To Drink, since our Stomachs both crav'd and could bear it,
A Bottle of good Old Dry Orthodox Claret;
We call'd not at Bow, least all things should not hap-well,
And stopt not to Drink till we came to White-Chappel.

I.

Where the first House we entred was honest Tom. C---xes,
And planting our selves within one of his Boxes;
We Order'd the Drawer to call for our Friend,
If a Glass of good Claret to us he'd commend;
He smil'd at our Question, and shaking his Noddle,
He told us by Yea and by Này not a Bottle;
But if we would call for a Glass of Red-Port,
He'd afford us the best, or be paid nothing for't;
But our thoughts with his Canting not able to wrastle,
Declining his Motion we went to the Castle.

II.

Where it seems a too plentiful dose of Canary,
Which some Butchers had Drank for to make themselves Merry,
Had by Liberal Bumpers quite spoil'd the design,
And made them all mad by their Drinking much Wine;
But seeing they all were Ingag'd Snicker-Snee,
VVe thought fit to march off, and keep our skins free.

III.

At the Crown, of good Claret we sure were to fail,
VVhich like the Inn Drink was half Mild and half Stale.

IV.

At P---points we call'd, but what e're was the matter,
His Magpye had long since forgotten to chatter,
And no wonder at all he had laid by his Note,
VVhen of Claret—
He had not a drop for to moisten his Throat.

V.

Through Aldgate then passing, we stop at the Mitre,
VVhere Young Married Couples to make their Hearts lighter,
Take a jolly brisk Glass to embolden 'em to say
That very hard Chapter, for Ever and for Aye.
But the Drawers and S---th were so busie in Burning
Of Red and White-Port, for the Bridegroom's returning,
That they had no leisure (such mischief was in't)
If they had any Claret, t'have drawn us a Pint.

VI.

At the Crown we Expected to find a good Draught,
But minding two Drawers who whisper'd and laught
VVhen we askt for Old Claret, we soon chang'd our Notes,
And spending no Pence, bid good Morn Mr. C---tes.

VII.

VVe'd have call'd at the Rose, but we had a suspicion,
(As wishing does sometimes exceed a fruition)
That if we attempted to Taste of his VVine,
'T would have a Complexion like that of the Sign.

VIII.

At the Griffin and Hoop we were farther to seek,
For Claret to them was as barbrous as Greek;
Of Red and White-Port in their Vaults was no lack,
But by Bacchus they had not a drop of Puntack;
Sure Popery will now be the A la-mode Fashion,
VVhen the Vintners can swallow Transubstantiation,
And the Wine that was French about six Months ago,
Has quite chang'd its nature, and's no longer so.

IX.

They whose Faith can a Vintners absurdities swallow,
May take Scarlet for Blew, or Crimson for Yellow;
For when for Old Claret we ask't Mr. St---bs,
The Devil a drop could we find in his Tubs.

X.

The King's-Arms by its odd Situation and Bar,
Did so like an Alsatian Tavern appear,
That to tast of their Wines we were almost afraid,
And so crossing the Kennel went to the Naggs-Head.

XI.

Not Rome for its Building was ever more famous,
Or the late Times for Juries, they call'd Ignoramus,
Than was that for Claret; but ah! how we rue it,
Jam jam Seges nunc est, u---bi Troja fuit.

XII.

At our Friend Jacob Franklins we thought to have found,
Such Claret as would a dull Stoick confound;
But our Friends in this Cause with the Wicked will joyn,
He had no Claret (plainly) but he had Port-Wine,
By which it appears like Noon-day to the Eye,
Tho' Saints may not Swear, they'r permitted to Lye.

XIII.

The Mermaid who Swum in the Waves of brisk Claret,
Complains her Complexion no longer can bear it,
Since which time in the Stream of Oporto she glides,
Forgetting she ever knew Bourdeax swift Tides;

Yet it looks something odd, and a kin to a Trance,
That Lewis of Cornhill scorns Lewis of France.

XIV.

In some place of his Vaults that resemble a Church,
One would think Peter W---llis his Claret did Lurch,
But he Swears that his Tuns are as empty of any,
As a bit Country Cully is empty of Mony;
Besides he produces a Miracle for't,
What in Cheapside was Claret's, now turn'd to Red-Port.

XV.

What resemblance the Ship and the Castle may bear,
To Ships floating on Clouds, or to Castles in Air,
We know not, but this we are sure of, 'tis plain,
Their Clarets are serfectly Leigerdemain.

XVI.

By St. Gregory's Slippers we thought not to miss
Of a Glass of Puntack at the Sign of the Fleece;
But he solemnly swore by the Saint of his Name,
For this twelve-Months he had not a drop of that same.

XVII.

Who ever was formerly Bit by the Bear,
Serv'd as use of Instruction to make us take care;
For when ever the Soul of a Vintner is fled,
In his Cellers a strange Interregnum succeed,
Reds quarrel with Whites, and Canary with both,
If this be not so, give the Cooper his Oath;
However for decency sake they are civil,
Yet with Widows Wine-Cellers the Drawers play the Devil.

XVIII.

He must surely have more than the Brains of a Man,
VVho at Change-time can suffer the noise of the Swan,

A Half-Flask of Red-Port, a Pint of Canary,
A Quart of Old Hock, and a Bottle of Sherry,
Are the noises the Drawers do make e'ery minute;
If this be not pleasing the Devil is in it.
Let me Drink with my Friend without noise or a throng,
Here all in Confusion's plaid all the year long.

XIX.

Looking at the King's-Head, and observing the Sign,
We suspected to find but effeminate Wine;
For the Painter had Drawn him a Cæsar in Dress,
With an Amazons Hair, and a Womanish Face.

XX.

VVhat ever Devotion we pay to the Sign
Of Popes Head, 'tis be sure for the sake of his Wine;
But his Tenant was lately Casheir'd for an ill-son,
And he hopes that the Capt. proves better than Will---n,
To which end all his Wines that from France lately came,
Are to be Rebaptiz'd with a more Christian Name.

XXI.

At his Door with a Rummer we found Neddy Dr---ner,
And perceiv'd by his looks that he was a Complainer.
VVe whisper'd in's Ear, and desir'd (could he spare it)
To let's have a Bottle or two of old Claret;
He started as frighted to hear our Demands,
And answer'd, why Gentlemen (holding up's hands)
D'ye know what you mean? Let me dye like an Ass,
If this twelve month I've seen, smelt, or tasted a Glass.

XXII.

VVe shook our Heads at him, and crossing the way,
At the Globe we attempted another Essay;
VVhen we askt for old Claret, the Drawers were inchanted,
And we for our parts thought the Mansion was Haunted,

So leaving the Tavern, in study profound,
We concluded indeed that the Globe was turn'd round.

XXIII.

At the Mitre we call'd in, and walking the Entry,
Spy'd a Soldier in Habit much unlike a Centry,
Who spewing, did in his short intervals say,
Pox take your Red-Port, and so Reel'd on his way,
We soon took the hint from his Stomach's Alarms;
They'r wise gain Experience by other Mens Harms.

XXIV.

Half vext to be baulk't in our pious design,
At the Birds with long Bills, vainly strove to get in;
For a Croud at the Door 'bout a Man that was Prest,
Deny'd our Admittance and yet spoil'd no Jest,
For we fancied that Tavern was like all the rest.

XXV.

At the Rose we no sooner had come to the Bar,
But a sawcy Whelp askt if Arrested we were;
We esteem'd this Affront, as provoking as any,
Kickt his Arse, and went out without spending a Penny.

XXVI.

We lookt in at the Ship and found the Boys idle;
And it seem'd unto us but a kind of a Riddle,
That a Vessel which only was fit to vend Brandy,
Should pretend to sell Wines, ay, and those good as can be;
Besides, when we thought of a late Declaration,
Which was there hatcht in order to settle the Nation;
We declin'd going in, lest at once we should lose,
Both our Health and our Credit by entring the House.

XXVII.

At the Feathers we call'd to see honest Paul C---ry,
Who was treating himself with a Glass of Canary;

What, Paul, says my friend, dost thou Abdicate Claret?
Of all mankind I thought you could never forbear it;
He reply'd, once my Vaults had a plentiful Crop,
But since my last Journey the Devil a Drop.

XXVIII.

At the Bull-head Ariv'd, we'd have call'd to see V---rs,
But observing how Cullies and Cracks flockt by Pairs
To the House, as the Unclean Beasts did into the Ark;
We were certain we then had mistaken our mark.

XXIX.

At the Shepherd when boldly for Claret we askt,
He told us he'd very good Florence was Flaskt;
VVe smil'd at the wit of the pleasant Drawcansir,
And thought it was much such a pertinent answer,
As if I should ask a Man where he does dwell?
And he tells me his VVife and his Children are well.

XXX.

At the Nags-head of good we were sure to despair,
VVhen we spy'd a young Female asleep at the Bar,
VVhen the Inches of Candles were twinkling in Sockets,
And the Drawers stood yawning with hands in their Pockets.

XXXI.

At Mat. F---lers the fam'd Tory Tavern then calling,
VVhere the Drawers were all of them Hoarse with their Bawling.
VVhen of delicate Claret we askt for the best,
VVe were told, with that Juice his Vaults once were opprest,
But they had not a Drop since the Prentices Feast.

XXXII.

Thus finding our wishes all come by mishap,
VVent to House with the sign of Prelatical Cap,
And asking for Claret, the Master returning
This answer, for want on't his Tuns were in Mourning;

VVe presently knew he had found out the Knack,
VVith Red-Port to supply all his wants of Puntack.

XXXIII.

To Paul's Church-Yard hasting, 'mongst Drapers, Chair-Makers,
VVhereof some are Christians, and others are Quakers.
VVe call'd in at Pea---ks, and askt him the Question,
But he told us his VVine, tho it had the Complexion,
Was no more Bourdeaux Claret, than Brawn could be taken,
Or by any one thought to be Gammon of Bacon.
Besides, his Guests long since did's Claret Devour,
By drinking of Healths to th' Bishops i'th' Tower.

XXXIV.

Then Crossing the way we stept to Tom. A---llns,
But he swere by Stains-Bridg that he had but six Gallons
Of Claret; and they of his Trade were all Block heads,
If of that, of Red-Port they made not six Hogs-heads.

XXXV.

At the Captains we thought t'have found that which was good,
But he told us in short, 'twas a Wonder we shou'd;
For the French Wine he bought, and paid ready Cole for't,
E're it came into Corn-hill 'twould all of't be Port.

XXXVI.

Then passing through Lud-gate we stept to the Widows,
Who a very kind Welcome obligingly bid us;
But Old St---re assur'd us, of rich Claret Wine,
Their Tuns were as empty as those of the Sign.

XXXVII.

Just crossing, we came to the Vulture and George,
Where just 'gainst the entrance, in Bar that was large,
Daniel Eu---r appear'd with a Presence as Noble,
As if he were Visser at Constantinople.

When we askt him for Claret, he had not a Drop,
For the New River-Water Men drank it all up;
Tho the Riddle it self we could hardly Divine,
How the Dealers in VVater should Drink so much Wine.

XXXVIII.

Passing over Fleet-Bridg, still on that side the way,
We resolv'd at the five Bells a visit to pay;
When we askt him for Claret, he vow'd not a drop,
For he had in Lavender laid it all up,
Resolving for no man to draw off a Gill on't,
Till by Law he could let all his Guests have their fill on't;
His obstinate Humour we well could not weather,
So stept cross the way for to call at the Feather.

XXXIX.

But how much surpriz'd were we, both for to find,
The Birds flown, who had yet left their Feathers behind.

XL.

To the Castle we went, and for Gl---ver inquir'd,
And a Glass of Old Claret we humbly desir'd;
But he vow'd he had none on't what ever we'd pay,
For 'twas all on't Drunk up last Cœcilias day.

XLI.

At the Greyhound we call'd, and did Claret demand,
But the Drawers or did, or would not understand;
Sir we 've Florence, Old Hock Sir, or very good Port;
Have you so (says my Friend) then to make you some sport,
Mix your VVines all together, and when they are thick,
Add some Gunpowder to 'em and give 'em Old-Nick.

XLII.

To the Globe we then marching just over the way,
VVe found Drawers ingag'd in Blood, Battle, and Fray;

So thinking that Claret we there should find none;
Turn'd our backs on the Bar, and advanc'd to the Sun.

XLIII.

VVhere the Captain it seems, to his thoughts recommending,
The threatning loud storm o're the Vintners impending;
Discreetly resolves for to leave off betimes,
And not be the Partner of other Mens Crimes,
VVill Retire to the Country, and Live free from Strife,
The wisest of Actions he did in his Life.

XLIV.

At the Horn we were welcom'd with so much Address,
As if we were persons of highest Nobless;
But when our demands had arriv'd at their Ears,
By their Looks we soon read their suspicions and fears;
For Informers they took us, but we well assur'd,
That this was a Grievance not fit t' b' indur'd,
Call'd 'em all Sons of Batchelors, Panders and VVhores,
And so in a Passion went both out of Doors.

XLV.

VVhen at the Green Dragon we askt for some Claret,
Us as if we were Camels the Drawers did stare at;
They told of good Port we were sure not to fail,
But we fearing the Sting it might have in the Tail,
Declin'd it.—

XLVI.

—And so to the Fleece next advancing,
VVe heard such confusion of Singing and Dancing;
And not willing to follow so loud an Example,
Ne're stept in, but crost over the way to the Temple.

XLVII.

VVhere Watt—like the Swiss of his Family stood,
VVe whisp'ring in's Ear for a Bottle of Good;

VVhy Gentlemen, says he, observe but my Sign,
And you'l ne're think I sell Anti-Christian Wine.

XLVIII.

VVe had call'd at the Hoop, but the Door was shut fast,
And we heard the poor F---nch had just warbled his last;
In some places we spend what in others we get,
So the House and the Widow are both to be Let.

XLIX.

At the Captains we hope't to have met with a Glass,
(But sometimes we wish for what ne're comes to pass)
He assur'd us of Claret he had not a Gill,
But of Delicate Florence we might have our fill;
And could he find Claret he'd give nothing for't;
So we left the Bull-head, cause his Horns were so short.

L.

At the Head of Old Jolly Gruff great Codpeic'd Harry,
VVe expected to find out a Glass to be Merry;
But the name of Puntack was forgotten and Dead,
And strange Barcelona now Reign'd in his stead;
VVithal such a noise was still made at the Bar,
Of Florentine Flasks, and full Quarts of Navar;
Let me Dye of the Pip, or my Mistress scorn,
If I did not suppose that I was at Leghorn.

LI.

VVe were crossing the way at the Star for to call in,
But alas! we perceiv'd the Bright Meteor was fallen,

LII.

At the the Queens-head the Porters were letting down Wines,
And at the Ropes, stumbling, my Freind hurt his Shins;
This as an ill Omen supposing, refus'd,
VVithin with bad VVine to be doubly abus'd.

LIII.

By the noise of Port, Port, which the Drawers all made,
One would guess the Three-Tuns had a thundring great Trade;
But Claret was Hebrew and Greek to their Ears,
Tho' they know it as well as they do their Neck Verse.
He does all th' occasions of doubting prevent,
That's Cheated and Bubbled by's proper consent.

LIV.

At Fen---ks the Son of a Parson so civil,
Who lives at the sign of the Junior Devil;
We askt for a Bottle of you know what Juice,
But he told he'd oblige us with rare Syracuse;
Syracuse quoth my Friend! what a Devil is that?
For as sure as my Brains now lie under my Hat,
It may be Aqua-Fortis, or else I may lye.
Pox take your hard name Sir, and so Sir good Bu'y.

LV.

At the Young-Devil failing, we went to his Dam,
But as soon as in sight of the Bar we were came,
A Drawer Officiously shews us a Room;
We told him immediately for what 'twas we come;
He started as if a pale Ghost he had seen,
Lord Gentlemen! pray you explain what you mean:
My Friend had explain'd it, I faith, on his Pate,
If by my interposing I hindred not that;
But because I desir'd him for once to be civil,
He concluded with Heaven keep us from all evil;
But send you all quickly, from whence we go, the Devil.

Thus finding the Vintners, some Swearing, all Lying,
And that no Man in's Wits would their words e're rely on;
Dispairing to find out a Glass of good Claret,
Tho' we thought 'twas no Virtue all times to forbear it;
Finding all our Endeavours, our Hopes, Wishes fail,
We concluded the Evening with Nottingham-Ale,

Resolving next morning as soon as Day-break,
(Dispatching some business) to search for Puntack.

CANTO II.

Wisht morning arriv'd, where Men Ply for their Fares,
We took Oars, and were Landed at Parliament-Stairs;
Having finisht our Business in Westminster-Hall,
Where the Lawyers do Billinsgate loudly out-baul.

I.

At the Bufflers-head first we propounded the question,
But the Master o'th' House was such a mo—dest one;
He believ'd that there was not a Drop in the Nation,
For 'twas all on't drunk up at the Last Coronation.

II.

At the Fountain then looking, we lik't not the Sign,
For Hedg-Taverns have commonly none but Hedg-Wine.

III.

We'd have call'd at the Bell, but were told by a Scout,
That the Clapper for several Months has been out.

IV.

As we entred the Sun with a grave Spanish pace,
Met a Man in the Entry was Scorcht in the Face;
But we willing to learn Wit by other Mens Harms,
Left the House, and directly went to the King's-Arms.

V.

Who tho they pretended to sell Red good as can be,
I'de rather at any time drink Cherry-Brandy.

VI.

Where ever the Swans may have done in the City,
The Swan here in King-street had sung her last Ditty.

VII.

Then passing along to the sign of St. Andrew,
And expecting to find Wine as good as e're Man Drew;
But we found that our hopes were all as much mistaken,
As his that took Sturgeon for Gammon of Bacon.

VIII.

Then passing White-hall, we first came to the Rummer,
Which like a Town Jilt receives every new comer,
But they were so busie in Dressing great Dinners,
That they then had no Rome for two thirsty poor Sinners.

IX. X. XI. XII. XIII.

At the Garter my Friend call'd, I at the King's-head,
And we both at the Crown, and three Tuns thought to speed,
Nor omitted to call at the sign Sandy-Pry'd;
But alas! how some people in Lying will Glory,
For Vintners like Gypsyes hang all in a Story.
And when we demanded a Glass of Puntack,
Swore they had not a Drop if their Souls lay at stake.

XIV.

We had call'd at the Buffler, but that we both thought,
Our Friends Wine and his Faith were both equally naught.

XV.

At the Lyon the Master was thumping the Back
Of a Drawer, who at Bar by mistake cry'd Puntack;
If naming the word is so Criminal thought,
The Vintners their Hogs t' a fine Market have brought.

XVI.

Had we drank at the Chequer, no Physick could bar us
From Death, for how little, alas! 'twould avail us,
To drink Wine in a House that looks so like an Ale-house?

XVII. XVIII. XIX.

So pale was the Rose, the Long-Dog out of Breath,
And Duck-Wing had crow'd himself almost to Death;
That had we at either of these askt for Claret,
VVithout question our wishes had quickly miscarried.

XX.

At the Sun we were loath for to moisten our Lips,
For we plainly perceiv'd she was then in Eclipse.

XXI.

At the sides of One Tun my Friend knockt for a Sign,
But a hollow Voice answer'd, Puntack's not within.

XXII.

At the Bear when for Claret we askt the Drawcansir.
Like the Sign he was Muzled, and gave us no Answer.

XXIII.

VVhen at the Half moon we observ'd the gay Sign,
VVe expected to find no good Claret within;
If the Wine be but good, let the Sign be a Rush,
For the Learned agree that good VVine needs no Bush.

XXIV.

The Poets who with their Inventions so rack us,
Yet assure us the Goat was accquainted with Bacchus;
Yet the Goat in Strand had not Claret a Drop,
For last Summer the Bacchinals drank it all up.

XXV.

At Po---ls we thought some old Claret to try,
But, alas! of that Liquor the Fountain was dry;

For since he so lately was fin'd fifty Pound,
For fetching up Bottles from Cellar profound;
VVhen oblig'd by the Law to Sell VVine in a Quart,
VVe found him so fretful, so peevish and short;
But 'twixt Humour and Purse is a Sympathy found,
Our Humour's not well if our Purse is unsound.

XXVI.

How briskly the Feathers may look; yet we guest
Their Claret (if any) was none of the best.

XXVII.

The Vine in the Strand, we observ'd was new Planted,
And to find no good Claret there, took it for granted.

XXVIII.

The Doors of the Swan, some by order had clos'd 'em,
E're since Abraham H---lls went to Abraham's Bosom.

XXIX.

When for Claret at Ca---ters, who lives at the Mitre,
VVe askt, she admir'd we came there for to fright her,
For she had not a Drop, or may Man ne're Delight her.

XXX.

When at the Five Belts we would Ring a short Peal,
We perceiv'd by some token all things were not well;
'Twould grieve a Man thence to receive a sad Fate,
For if I am Poyson'd it shall be in State.

XXXI.

At La---fords the Grey-hound, to call we forbear it,
He being better accquainted with Punch than with Claret.

XXXII.

At the White-Horse, so fam'd for the Consults and Plots,
By Jesuits held, as was sworn by T. Otes,

We call'd but he told us he had not a Tast,
For 'twas all on't drunk up at the Dorsetshire Feast.

XXXIII.

VVhen we stept in at Rof---s we heard such distraction,
Of Singing and Gaming, and things sold by Auction,
That the Tavern resembled a Wake or a Fair,
And hating all noises did soon disappear.

XXXIV.

The Ship who of late Sprung a Leak in the Main,
Is new Corkt, Trim'd and Lancht in the Ocean agen;
We hawld her and askt if she'd Claret Aboard,
But the Captain and Ships Crew would not answer a word.

XXXV.

The last Tavern we came to, was that of the Rose;
At the Door of which stood such a parcel of Beau's,
VVho in Eating and Drinking great Criticks commence,
And are Judges of every thing else but of Sense,
VVhen we saw 'em makes Faces, and heard one or two Swear,
That the VVine was the Devil they lately drank there;
VVe rely'd on their word, and ne're stept o're the Groundsil,
But thought they spoke truth like General Council.

Two days in this Search were away vainly thrown,
And we both of us thinking to find none in Town;
Then agreed with a nemine contradicente,
That since Drinks of our English growth was so plenty;
VVe all their Brew'd Wines would not value a Rush,
Nor shorten our days by respect to a Bush.

FINIS.