University of Virginia Library

Thalia loquitur.

VVelcome , welcome to our feast,
Euery vnderstanding guest,
From the Colledge and the Hall,
Welcome Academicks all,
Brittaines Magazins of Wit,
Innes of Court repaire to it,
And come Courtiers ye that be
The Mirrour of faire courtesie,
Citizens ye that were made
As well for learning as for trade,
Come braue spirits of the Realme,
Vnshaded of the Academe
That in the Countrey there and here,
Like starres in midst of Clouds appeare.
Make no stay for man by nature
Is a sociable Creature:
And braue Souldiers take a truce,
A while to reuell with his Muse,
Since our Author hath borne Armes too,
He cannot chuse but welcome you:
Come faire Ladyes ye that will,
Heere is nought obscure or ill,
And your maids Attendants, some
Witty wenches let them come,
By Cyrrha they shall welcome be,
To my Poet and to me,
My banquet is prepar'd for Wit,
Not Folly dare to touch a bit.

To my Reader.

Epigram 1.

Reader, if that thy curious eye will needes
Dwel on a while these rude & ranker weedes,
Take leaue; and ere a while this Muse of ours
Shal bring thee lapfuls of her choisest flowers.

Vpon Tvllvs.

Epigram 2.

Tvllvs who was a Tailor by profession,
Is late turn'd Lawyer, and of large possession:
So who before did cut but countrey freeze,
Now cuts the Countrey in excessiue fees.

To Laelivs.

Epigram 3.

Pri'thee Laelivs doe me but the grace,
T'expresse thy selfe in that aboue thy gate
Is written, Here we haue no dwelling place:
What, doost thou meane, our worldly fickle state,
Or rather (which I take to be the right)
Thou canst endure no guest aboue a night?

Vpon Fvmoso.

Epigram 4.

Fvmoso now beginning to decline
Takes onely care how he may come by coyne,
And dayly wisheth these Bohemian iarres
Would set all Christendome at deadly warres,
For him t'were better vpsie Gull doth sweare,
Moreouer England very well might spare
Ten hundred thousand men, enow to beat,
The Emp'rour, Pope and Turke out of his seate:
Not that Fvmoso, trust me, meanes to fight,
Or dares march further then his chymneies sight,
A noted coward, but the truth to tell,
He hath a rusty musquet he would sell.

To Mr. Ben Iohnson:

Epigram 5.

Since more cannot be added to thy Fame,
Enough tis onely to expresse thy Name.

To Mr. I. Selden of the Inner Temple.

Epigram 6.

Looke how a late-come Painter to the strand
Doth formost place the Pourtraicture in sight,
Of some remarqued Statesman of our Land,
To grace his shop, and buyers to inuite;
So learned Sir, I here prefixe your name,
And looke to thriue the better for the same:

To Mr. Edward Hayward.

Epigram 7.

I know it were but highly to offend,
To seuer you sit, from so true a frend,
When euen Envy is enforc'd to blesse
Your (each enioying either) Happinesse.

Vpon Lavina.

Epigram 8.

Llavina brought abed, her husband lookes,
To knowe's child's fortune throughout his bookes:
His neighbors think h'had need search backward rather,
And learne for certaine who had beene the father.

Vpon Dare an vpstart Poet.

Epigram 9.

Dare a fresh Author to a friend did boast,
Hee'd shew in Cheape his name vpon a post,
But did Dares friend to's hostesse house but walke,
Shee'ld shew't him there on euery post in chalke.

Vpon Tambvrro.

Epigram 10.

Tambvrro now, what ere his friends do say,
At last will thriue, and all his debts go pay,
For by his wit (he boasts) and pleasing tongue,
H'hath won a wench that's wondrous faire and young,
Well borne, well qualifi'd, rich, modest, wise,
And shall be worth, if that an Vnckle dies,
In land foure hundred by the yeere, at least,
Beside odde remnants in her mothers chest:
'Tis true, the match is halfe concluded, he
Is wondrous willing with it, but not she.

Vpon Soranzo.

Epigram 11.

Soranzo's broad-brimm'd hat I oft compare
To the vast compasse of the heauenly sphære,
His head, the Earth's Globe fixed vnder it,
Whose Center is his wondrous little wit.

To Vellivs.

Epigram 12.

Thou swear'st I bowle as well as most men doe,
The most are bunglers, therein thou saist true.

Epigram 13.

The Countrey, God be thanked, well is rid
Of Beggers, which, they say, Iudge Popham did:
But if he could the Court as well haue freed,
Then he had done a worthy Act indeed.

Vpon the Turkish Alkaron.

Epigram 4.

Tthe Turkes hold this opinion very odde,
That madmens soules are talking still with God,
And that to be an Ideot or a Vice,
Is th' onely way to purchase Paradise:
If this be true their Alkarons relate,
Our Puritans were sure in happy state.

Vpon Boone.

Epigram 15.

VVhen vnto Boone a booke was brought to sweare,
He prayd the Iudge he would that labour spare,
For there's no oath (quoth Boone) that you can name,
But perfect I without booke haue the same.

In Diuites.

Epigram 16.

Rich men their wealth as children rattles keepe,
When plaid a while with't, then they fall asleepe.

Vpon Richard.

Epigram 17.

Through Paules Church-yard as Dick came reeling drunk,
He stumbling fell into an empty trunke,
And laine a while did verily suppose,
He had beene buried quicke and in his clothes,
Saue that the vpper stone vpon his graue,
By night was stollen by some cunning knaue.
Dick halfe awake, bethought him of his sinne,
And that lewd course of life he liued in,
Yet long hereof for thirst Dick could not thinke,
But drawer cries, now for thy smallest drinke.

Vpon Gellia.

Epigram 18.

VVhen Gellia went to schoole and was a girle,
Her teeth for whitenes might cōpare with pearl,
But after she the taste of sweete meates knew,
They turn'd all Opals to a perfect blew,
Now Gellia tokes Tobacco, what should let,
But last they should conuerted be to let?

Vpon Nasuto.

Epigram 19.

VVhen at the Table once I did auerre,
Well taken Discords best did please the eare,
And would be iudg'd by any Querister,
Were in the Chappell, Paules or Westminster,
Nasuto sitting at the neather end,
(First hauing drunke and cough'd) quoth he my frend,
If that were true, my wife and I, I feare,
Should soone be sent for to the Arch-dukes Quire.

Vpon the Asse.

Epigram 20.

The Asse a Courtier on a time would be,
And trauaild forraine fashions for to see,
But home returned, fashion he could none,
His mane and taile were onely larger growne.

Vpon Vertue, Mistrisse Milla's maid.

Epigram 21.

Saith Aristotle, Vertue ought to be
Communicatiue of her selfe and free,
And hath not Vertue Milla's maid beene so,
Who's growne hereby as big as she can go?

To the nobly-disposed, modest, and faire Sisters, Mistresse Aleezia, and my euer-honored Mistresse, Mistresse Anne Dudley.

Epigram 22.

If to admire and tell the world yee are,
Of all I know, (sweete Maids) aboue compare,
For bounty, beauty, wit, and goodly grace,
Th' extracted quint'sence of your noble race,
Would pay that euerlasting summe I ow
To your respectfull fauours well I know.
I should as much adde to your worth as he
That guilds his di'mond, inkes the Iuorie,
And by these Titles rather you dishonor,
Which euery wayting maid hath pinn'd vpon her
Now by her Masters Clarke; since praises common
As perrukes are growne stale with euery woman.
So let me thriue as euer I abuse
Chaste Poësie, and prostitute my Muse,
T'vnworthinesse, or follow the hot sent
Of rising Greatnesse, with the rublement,
Or letter of an idle name rehearse,
That's empty of Desert in all my verse.

To the learned and euery way accomplished, Sir Hamond Straunge, Knight.

Epigram 23.

Sir, though you are a stranger to our rime,
And liue a farre as in another clime,
Our Muse her flight with nimble wing doth take,
To gratulate you for good Letters sake;
“So with the same stone needles touch'd, agree,
“And hold one motion, though remote they bee.

Vpon a Spanish Souldier.

Epigram 24.

A Spanish Souldier sicke vnto the death,
His Pistoll to's Physition did bequeath,
Who did demand, what should the reason be,
'Boue other things to giue him that (quoth he)
This with your practise ioyned you, may kill,
Sir, all aliue, and haue the world at will.

To Laura.

Epigram 25.

If true as common that old prouerbe be,
A blacke man is in beauties eye a pearle;
To prooue thy selfe as faire as any she,
Then Laura loue, and liue with me my girle.

Vpon Count Surly.

Epigram 26.

Count Surly will no scholler entertaine,
Or any wiser then himselfe, how so?
The reason is, when fooles are in his traine,
His wit amongst them, makes a goodly show.

Vpon Corydon.

Epigram 27.

A Home-spunne peasant in his manner rude,
His Vrine brought close stopped in a glasse,
Vnto his Doctor, who when it had view'd,
Demanded straight what countrieman he was,
Quoth Corydon, with making legs full low,
Your worship that shall by my water know.

Vpon Otho.

Epigram 28.

Three daughters Otho hath his onely heires
But will by no meanes haue them learne to write,
Cause (after his owne humour) much he feares,
The'il one day learne loue letters to indite,
The youngest now's with child, who taught her then,
Or of her selfe learn'd she to hold her pen?

To the Noble minded and most worthy, Maister Thomas Knyvet of Ashwelthorp.

Epigram 29.

Your Great learn'd Grandsire to you at his death,
Accomplish'd Mars with Pallas did bequeath,
And since I heare you so laid your plot,
That Venus (or a fairer) you haue got.

To the Towne of Wimondham in Norfolk.

---

Epigram 30.

Windham I loue thee, and I loue thy soile,
Yet euer loath'd that neuer ceasing toile
Of thy faire Schoole, which whiles that it was free,
My selfe the Maister lost my libertie.

Vpon Indeedla.

Epigram 31.

Indeedla grumbles much that hee a penny,
Is leuied in collection to the poore:
Indeedla but you are the first of any,
Will contribute vnto a handsome ------

In Dianam maritum alloquentem.

Epigram 32.

Although my name Diana (husband) he,
Y'are no Actæon I am sure, quoth she.
Thankes wife, replied hee, I did neuer feare,
Thoul'dst lay vpon mee more then I could beare.

To Maister William Baker, Secretarie vnto my L. G. of Cantuarburie.

Epigram 33.

To Maister Christopher Sherland of Graies Inne.

Epigram 34.

Beloued Sir, since you haue followed me,
In your vnthought of Iourney thorough France,
The lower Belgia and high Germanie,
I wish againe it were, my happy chance,
To follow you, and my estate to raise,
By thrift the onely trauaile of our daies.

Vpon an Italian Prouerbe.

Epigram 35.

Three women met vpon the market day,
Do make a market, (they do vse to lay
In Italy) and why their tongues do walke,
As loud as if an hundred men did talke.
Some hearing this, swore, had his wife beene there,
And made a fourth, there might haue beene a Faire:

Vpon Hugh.

Epigram 36.

Hvgh should haue gone to Oxford th' other day,
But turn'd at Tiborne, and so lost his way.

An Epitaph vpon a Colliar.

Epigram 37.

Heere lies the Colliar Ienkin Dashes,
By whom death nothing gain'd, he swore;
For liuing he was dust and ashes,
And being dead he is no more.

To Maister Michael Drayton.

Epigram 38.

What thinkst thou worthy Michael of our Times,
When onely Almanack and ballad rimes
Are in request now, where those Worthies be,
Who formerly did cherish poesie,
Where is Augustus? oh no rather she,
Would lend an eare vnto thy Melodie.
Sweete poetresse her selfe, where's Surrey and,
Our Phoenix Sydney, Essex, Comberland?
With numbers moe, of whom we are bereft,
That scarce a prop th' abandon'd Muse hath left.
But what's the reason? they that list define
For mee, except the same of Aretine.
Who one day asked why that Great ones now,
Will no reward to Poetry allow?
Replied, because Their Conscience doth suggest,
In Poets praise they haue no interest.
Moreouer would you haue them take in hand,
To Patterne that they cannot vnderstand?

Vpon Drumme.

Epigram 39.

Drumme by descent sweares he's a Gentleman,
For's father can set stone, and make a Iewell,
And Drumme, as well as he, reports he can,
Set stones, but how? in morter with a trowell.

Of my selfe.

Epigram 40.

I do not loue to guild or reare my friends,
Beyond desert, which rather discommends:
Their worth and me, and like great Hattons tombe,
Keepes some good after-commers from a roome.

To Mistris Alice Apsley daughter to the virtuous Lady the L. Apsley.

Epigram 41.

As Virgins when with dainty fingers weaue
Their girlonds, place the fairest flowers in view,
So heere I set your beauty by your leaue,
To grace my booke (faire maide) and honor you.

To Sir Iohn Heueningham.

Epigram 42.

If Honesty in any one place rest,
She, Sir, hath tane her loging in your brest.

Vpon Profuso.

Epigram 43.

Vnstaid Profuso hath run thorough all,
Almost the story of the Prodigall.
Long since his portions spent, and out of doores,
He does confesse he beaten was by whores.
And in a Country farre hence I'le be sworne,
I saw him all to tatter'd and be torne.
Yet sweares, he neuer with the Hoggs did dine,
That's true, for none durst trust him with their swine.

Vpon Santomar.

Epigram 44.

When of my wit Santomar vse would make,
My Hopes he suckles with vaine protestations,
Of this and that he will do for my sake,
And all to saue his purse (as is the fashion:)
As if by fauour of his Prince he rise,
I as his braunch withall my head shall reare;
Or if his old and wealthy father dies,
My Fortunes then are made, I need not feare,
Keepe to himselfe his Hypothetique Tone,
Giue me the Categorique, or else none.

To Emson.

Epigram 45.

Emson thou once in Dutch wouldst court a wench,
But to thy cost she answer'd thee in French.

Vpon Drug.

Epigram 46.

The Cuckold Drug a chymicall professor,
Once with his wife a wager venture would,
Hee'ld ride to Stanes and backe ere she could dresse her.
From head to foote, make al the hast she could.
They both agreed, away then rid the mome,
While she dress'd him, and rid as fast at home.

Vpon my friend a certaine Yeoman of Norfolk.

Epigram 47.

A Norfolke Yeoman faine Esquire would be,
And one day ask'd me what an Armes would cost:
Desert, quoth I, must winne gentility;
Or else both labour and your monie's lost.
Yet say but wherein you haue well deserued,
Perhaps I cause the Herald stand your friend,
My Cart (quoth he) now thrice the king hath serued.
And once I was a pikeman at Mile-end.
Then would I wish (quoth I) your armes might be,
The bloudie pike, and broken Axel-tree.
And for your crest, the law of Armes allow'th,
A Tumbler with a dumpling in his mouth.

Vpon Sir Hugh.

Epigram 48.

To my kind and learned friend Maister Owen Hughes of Remerstone in N.

Epigram 49.

There was a time when all our songes and tales,
Of Welchmen, Sir, were made and of your Wales:
But since we see those times are altered so,
That now for wondrous honest men yee go.

To some kinde of Readers.

Epigram 50.

This booke of mine I liken to a glasse,
Wherein the foole may looke and laugh his fill:
He hauing done with't, Readers, as yee passe,
Heere take and vse it as long as you will.

To Maister Sam. Simson fellow of Trinitie Colledge in Cambridge.

Epigram 51.

So let me Sir of heauen beloued bee,
As I do loue my Nurse your Trinitie;
Whereof I was a member, bleeding yet,
To thinke how rawhe I was torne from it:
But wholy not diuided though in part,
Since (fellowes) yet amongst you liues my heart.

Vpon Septimio.

Epigram 52.

Septimio with strong arguments averres,
That women are your onely counsellors.
And shewes examples out of antique stories;
What Trophæ's haue beene reared to their glories.
What States and goodly commonwealthes were seene,
Where onely women haue commanders beene.
Septimius, il'e no women heere dispraise,
Yet thus much say, hadst thou in these our daies,
By some bene rul'd, for all thy reasoning thus,
Tiborne had put thee to a foule non-plus.

Vpon Sir Lanfranke and his dog.

Epigram 53.

Sir Lanfrankes dog a Capon roasted whot,
At a Lords table out the dish had got:
Enquiry made when all were set to dine,
Whose sawcy curre it was (quoth Lanfrank) mine;
I pray your Lordship not offended bee,
I vse my dog as Courtiers do, quoth he,
Their followers: he getteth nought by guift,
I giue him count'nance, and so let him shift.

To the Nobly disposed and truely Honorably minded Sir Thomas Southwell.

---

Epigram 54.

How euer Heauens haue sorted my estate,
They neuer, sir, could make me yet ingrate:
Or to forget (much lesse abuse) the bow,
From whence I pluck'd the mellow peare but now.
Like the bale meane, who beside their food,
Will rend off armes, and carrie home the wood.
No, with respect Ile euer blesse the tree,
Whose fruite hath fed, or shelter shaded me.
Norfolk the noblest plant in all thy countie,
For euen vprightnes, solid heart, and bountie.

To the onely fauourer of the Muse and all Excellencie, Maister Dru Drurie of Riddlesworth.

Epigram 55.

Beloued Sir, I oft haue thought vpon,
But neuer saw, as yet, your Helicon,
Where with the Muses sole you sit retired,
And most vnseene when you are most admired.

To either Vniuersitie,

Epigram 56.

Indulgent Mother and kind Aunt no where
Throughout all Europe find I such a paire,
Of matchles Sisters, who (as it is sayd,
Of English beauties) all the world vpbraid
With your transcendent worths, and daze the eie
Of wonders selfe with loue and maiesty.
That Salamanca nor the Oliue vale,
The fam'd Conimbra in burn'd Portugale,
Appollo's garden by the bankes of Po,
Paris (our Harries sometimes) Liege nor Ley,
Do better heare in other landes, then yee.
From whose faire brestes those sacred Springs arise,
That turne our Ile into a Paradise.
From whose faire brests those milkey riuers runne,
That thousands feede, else thousandes were vndone.
Oh were it not that some are wean'd too young,
And some do suck (like Essex calues) too long!

To Perseus.

Epigram 57.

Good Perseus who venturd'st many a knock,
To saue Andromed from the dreary rock.
Though her hard hap t'was afterward to be,
In faster bands then when thou set'st her free.

To my true friend and euery way accomplished Maister Wentwoth Bradburie.

Epigram 57.

Beloued Sir, if that your Norfolk should,
Conceale some one man from the common view,
Who learned Learning iustly valew could,
And giue both Artes and all good Partes their due.
(Not from a vulgar iudgement and a minde,
That's meerely Norfolk, barten, hard and drie,
But from experience and your skill refind
By trauaile, both in France and Italie:)
And bad me name him from among the rest,
Your selfe the Man I presently had ghess'd.

To my Kind friend Captaine Henry Lucy, the Paragon of Chiualry.

Epigram 58.

Sir, if true valour with sound honesty,
A hart & hand that neuer failes his friend,
The Badges of the brauest spirits be,
And best that man can euen in man cōmend:
I wish I might the whole world one day see,
Your men to weare them with your liuery.

Vpon Podarges.

Epigram 59.

Podarges hath one onely sonne and heire,
An Ideot, which put's him in a feare,
If he were dead, he would bee begd by some,
Wherefore he doth for learned counsell come
To Grub his neighbour dwelling on the green,
Who of that hundred best in law is seene.
Grub doth aduise him to strike vp a match,
With Dol the daughter of his neighbour Patch,
Or, for a foole before that he be cited,
And lose his land, with speed to get him knighted:

Vpon Rosimus.

Epigram 60.

Mishaps aswell by water as by land,
Our humane frailty euery houre attend,
With all his wit which man cannot withstand.
As may appeare by Rosimus my friend,
Who going to Duke Humphries to sup,
Was on the Thames by Baylies snapped vp.

Vpon Sir R.

Epigram 61.

His wife or seruant to be halfe a foole,
A knight I know by London, wisheth oft:
But what's his reason? marry Sir O Toole,
Himselfe would make the other halfe, tis thought.

To Maister Bartholomew Hales Iustice of the peace in the towne of Warwicke.

---

Epigram 62:

Whethersoeuer Sir, it be my chance,
To see your face yet once again, or no;
You euer liue in my rememberance.
And since I cannot pay the debt I ow
To your deserts, yet will I haue it told,
To one vnthankfull you gaue not your gold:

To Maister Thomas Townsend of Testerton.

Epigram 63.

Right worthy sir, for that respect and cheere,
I found at your comparelesse Testerton,
With my best friends I do inuite you heere.
Vnto our Muses meane collation.
Which far your bounteous entertaine put downe,
The only best housekeeper in your towne.

Vpon Gemma.

Epigram 64.

His orders Gemma quite hath throwne away,
And turnd in colours roaring Boy, they say.
His friends though thinke hee'le preach and pray agen,
His clarke the Hangman but must say Amen.

To Anthony my Stationer.

Epigram 65.

A souldier, Scholler, and an honest man,
I euer loued Anthony as life:
Thou art no Souldier, but art honest, whan
We know for certaine that thou hadst a wife,
And I dare sweare by sacred Hippocrene,
Thou wantst no learning (in thy shop I meane.)

Vpon Gloriosos house.

Epigram 66.

See yee yon braue house which Glorioso built,
Another Babell to diuulge his name,
Or rather Bable with the turrets guilt,
An hundred smokeles chymneies in the same,
Whose frontispice is window all and glasse,
That doth both high-way & the town affront,
As if it bade obeisance to the Asse
Sir Counter-Puffe who is the owner on't.
You'ld little thinke that Barley and the Beane,
Affordes their purest manchet when they dine;
And that their only curre is growne so leane,
He is not able for to hold a Swine,
While he and's Mule lie in the Citty stabled,
All winter long t'auoid the parish poore;
His coltes and groomes though yonder still are tabled,
The dog, a girle, the shepheard, and no more.

Vpon God-dammee's band.

Epigram 67.

What is the reason of God-dammee's band
Inch deepe, and that his fashion doth not alter?
God-dammee saues a labour, vnderstand,
In pulling't off when he puts on the halter:

Vpon two Ladies.

Epigram 68.

Two Citty Ladies pendants of the Court,
Where late I liu'd, did commonly resort;
And in the garden one day as they walked,
Thus gathering flowers each to either talked:
What liues (good Lord) these Country creatures leade,
O're one of vs within the Citty bred?
What dainty flowers, what arbors, walkes, and trees,
Poore soules they haue; and looke where stand the bees?
Goodnesse a mee, see Madam where Thrift growes,
My Sweet-hart loues not it shold touch his nose:
And by my patience, quoth the other, I
As ill abide this scuruy Honesty,
It beares no flower, nor carries any smell,
Yet Country Ladies wear't and like it well.

To my Reader.

Epigram 69.

My Person is another as I list,
I now but act the Epigrammatist.

To my towardly and hopefull Scholer Maister Edward Chamberlaine of Barnhans Broome.

Epigram 70:

Ned , neuer looke againe those daies to see,
Thou liud'st, when thou appliedst thy booke with me,
What true affection bare we each to either,
How often walking in the fields together:
Haue I in Latin giu'n the names to thee,
Of this wild Flower, that Bent, this blossom'd tree,
This speckled Flie, that Hearb, this water rush.
This worme, or weed, the Bird on yonder bush?
How often when yee haue beene ask'd a play,
With voices viols haue we pass'd the day,
Now entertaining those weake aires of mine,
Anon the deepe delicious Transalpine,
Another while with pencill or with pen,
Haue limnd or drawn our friends pourtaies; & then
Commixing many colours into one,
Haue imitated some carnation,
Strange field-sound flower, or a rare seene flie,
A curious land-schap or a clouded sky?
Then haply wearie of all these would goe,
Vnto that Poeme I haue labourd so:
Thus past our leasureable howers away;
And yee did learne euen in the midst of play.

Vpon Corax.

Epigram 71.

Old Corax putting on glassen elne,
Bids Trudge his man to reach this booke of mine;
And by the fire in his wicker chaire,
(One foote vpon the tonges) me think I heare
Him cough, & say, this Author hath some wit,
Pitty hee made no better vse of it.

Vpon Sir Acolastus.

Epigram 72.

Hodge art awake, what shall we do to day,
To cardes, go drinke, or else go see a play?
Not I Goddammee, I was last night drunke,
Rogue hold yee this key, & from my truncke,
Go fetch me out my sarcen sute de Roy,
My Mistres bracelet, and de'yee heare me boy,
A light, a pipe, and some Tobacco vp,
With ale, a tost, a nut-meg, and a cup:
Let Patricke saddle chest-nut; and bid Meg,
Prouide's a dish of butter and an egge.
Thus like a mil-horse Acolastus treades
The selfe same circle, and this life he leades,
Saue when he heares perhaps the sermon bel,
Hee keepes his bed, and that day is not well.

Vpon my selfe.

Epigram 73.

Vpon Mildred.

Epigram 74.

Mildred my Ladie Too-goods chambermaid,
Hath now her wages by her Maister paid,
Not quarterly, but duely once a yeare,
And in a purse as bigge as she can beare.

Vpon Mend-shoo.

Epigram 75.

Mend-shoo did wade so deepe to dig for rootes,
At last he ran himselfe quite or'e the bootes.

Vpon Sir Simon Harpax.

Epigram 76.

Sir Harpax when a Benefice doth fall,
Enquires about for him that will giue most:
For merit mooues him not a whit at all,
But must without it emptie kisse the post.
Yet if he feele some farmer gin to bite,
For's late commenced sonne, he tells him that,
His many yeares true seruice to requite,
He hath bestow'd the Graunt vpon his man;
Who to him goes, agrees & takes the gold,
To's Maister vse, when without more ado
Returning it, and by Sir Harpax told,
He pockets vp perhaps a peece or two:
Hence Harpax sweares, among his other shifts,
He none preferres but men of passing gifts.

Vpon Crab.

Epigram 78.

Crab being caught, and in the Sergeants power,
For shame and anger look'd both red and sower.

To Maister Iohn Browne of Sparkes in Tacolneston.

Epigram 79.

I told you, though you haue the world at wil,
To happines there somewhat wanteth still,
Which is not (as you haue) to haue a wife,
That's young and passing faire, to leade a life
Without disturbe, to haue a perfect health,
Abound in chargeles and vnpurchas'd wealth;
These are without one, and vnto a mind,
Soule-sick, skil-poore, or with ambition blind,
Confere no more vnto it's ease, say I,
Then do rich curtaines and a Canopie,
With pearle and gold embroyder'd all about,
Vnto my Lord who lies vpon the gout:
Though much content herefrom a man may find,
Who can denie? the fountaine is the mind,
Whence must the soft and siluer streame arise,
To fence aswell as feede our Paradise.
Then as yee would some goodly fabrick reare,
Lay your foundation sure, the heauenly feare;
And pure religion, hereon let be pight,
Your liues strong frame that's honest and vpright,
Make choise (as studdes) of trusty friends that will
Like heart of oke, not shrinke for good or ill,
Not the rude rout who onely frendship measure
As they get by you, and one does them pleasure.
Of frendship, these, the base subsistence be,
And surfer of all ingenuitie,
These are the pies that on your peare-tree top,
But build to care the fruite in Autumne vp,
Or these doubled throated layes, you find,
To eate your cheries, leaue the stones behind:
Or haply fill'd their bellies from the tree,
Beray the bow, and so away they flee.
I then aduise you for to make your light,
Behind experience & a sore fore-sight,
Sith none knowes what may fall, close couerd lay
Vp somewhat to withstand a rainy day.
Let artes, good partes, a conscience cleere of sin,
Bee your best pride and household stuffe within,
Then lest the circle in your center rest,
And hold your selfe aboue a monarch blest.

Vpon my selfe.

Epigram 80.

I thinke the place that gaue me first my birth,
The genius had of epigram and mirth,
There famous Moore did his Vtopia wright,
And thence came Heywoods epigrammes to light,
And then this breath I drew, wherewith (our owne)
These shaken leaues about the world are blowne.

Vpon Grantorto.

Epigram 81.

Vpon Dunmo.

Epigram 82.

I Dunmo ask'd as we at supper sate,
How long he had liu'd in the married state,
Sir, iust (quoth Dunmo) with my wife I met,
In the great plague time, I remember yet,
And sighing, as he would haue burst in twaine,
Said, now almost the thirtieth of her raigne.

To R. H. my iouiall host at Virecht.

Epigram 83.

I wish old Robin that we had thee heere,
To lie a little with Sir Rossicleere,
He sweares the Persian summers are so whot,
That while he drank the Sun did melt the pot:
Thou swear'st, in Russia that it freezeth so,
That men with sneezing, off their noses throw.
He sayes that one day in a skirmish hot,
On's rapier point he tooke the flying shot.
Thou toldst me how an Irishman was slaine,
Shot through the braines, & after seru'd again.
He vo'wd that mans flesh was his only meate
In Rome, and neither bread not salt could get;
And thou reportedst, how at Remingham,
A leaguer was, and thou therein the same,
Where th' horse dranke vp so dry a running flood,
That some were choak'd with fishes in the mud.
He saies the Morgor mus'd how England can,
As was himselfe afford so braue a man.
Thou in all townes throughout the Netherland,
Swearest thou hast swordes lie prest at thy command.
Thus at the Truth yee much at one do roame,
Saue thou liest neerer, farther hee from home.

Vpon Rinaldo and Reiner.

Epigram 84.

Rinaldo meeting Reiner in the streete,
Deepe in his debt, he thus doth Reiner greete,
You know some money is betwixt vs two,
That welny now these ten yeares hath beene due.
Quoth Reiner, looking downe vnto his feete,
I' faith and we will part it, if I see't,
But as I liue Rinaldo I find none,
As faine as you, I would you had your owne:

Vpon Saburro.

Epigram 85.

Saburro now hath sold both house and lands,
Exceeding much vpon his gentry stands,
Auerring how his Ancestrie and name,
From Normandie in with the conquest came.
Saburro should thy gentries plea stand good,
Then tag and rag might be of gentle blood.

Vpon Milo.

Epigram 86.

Milo beleeues and hath a wager laid,
The world will end within these foureteene yeare,
By whom or where the mony shall be paid,
But if he winnes is Milo's onely feare.

To my ingenious pupill, and most honest atturney Maister Iohn Cock of Deepham.

Epigram 87.

If Reason be the soule of law, I faine
In this point (pupill) would resolued bee,
How is it that a statute doth maintaine,
That when the law defines the contrarie,
Yet reason though far stronger, must giue place;
And law against reason carry cleare the case.

To my very friend Maister Thomas Anguish.

Epigram 88.

VVith other friends I bid you to my feast,
Though comming last, yet are you not the least.

Vpon Lodronio.

Epigram 89.

Lodronio like a huge Westphaly swine,
Lies close and neuer stirres without his doores,
Feedes of the best, drinkes sack and claret wine,
And at command'ment hath his lease of whores,
That death this hog would stick, the parrish pray,
For to his hand hee's soundly sing'd they say.

Vpon Rombo.

Epigram 90.

Rombo doth banne, chafe, deepely curse and sweare,
And vowes reneng'd o'th parish for to bee,
For that his name's not in their Register,
Which he so foule a iourney tooke to see,
(Not that he is to take vp any landes;
And one and twentie, that lost labour were,
But of his last abode to bring some hands,
To saue him from a burning through the eare)
That for it now he must be faine to looke,
In Newgate or the Poultry Counter booke.

Vpon Rusco.

Epigram 91.

Rvsco to London hauing brought his sonne,
To bind him prentise, asked of the lad,
What trade best lik'd him, for he must take one,
And onely stick to that he chosen had:
Then father, if vnto an Alderman,
For seuen yeares I were bound, I did not care,
So after I my time had seru'd (quoth Iohn)
I might be sure for to be Lord Maior.

Vpon Augustus Cæsar.

Epigram 92.

Avgustus hearing how a Roman knight,
Whose goods could not pay halfe his debts, was dead,
Yet liuing slept at quiet euery night,
Sent to his house and needes would buy his bed,
Beleeuing sure it had some virtue rare,
That in his case could keepe a man from care.

Of a Spaniard and a Hollander.

Epigram 93.

An Hollander and a Spaniard one day met,
Within their Inne, and downe to dinner set,
Each did begin his country to commend,
And reckon vp the riches it did lend.
What say you (quoth the Spaniard) to our land,
Where (taking vp an Orenge in his hand)
These golden apples thrice a yeare do grow,
As faire as those Hesperides in show,
Or they which nimble Atalanta staid,
Or it which Paris gaue the Cyprian maid?
Hans on ā Holland cheese by, claps his hand;
And in the honor of his Belgick land,
Replies, And what can you to Holland say,
Of these that yeelds vs thousands thrice a day?

To Sir Ninian Ouzell.

Epigram 94.

As Tarlton when his head was onely seene,
The Tire-house doore and Tapistrie betweene,
Set all the mulltitude in such a laughter,
They could not hold for scarse an houre after,
So (Sir) I set you (as I promis'd) forth,
That all the world may wonder at your worth.

Vpon Albinus.

Epigram 95.

Albinus much the other day did blame,
Neates-foote his man for haunting common whoores,
And somewhere wish'd him get a wife for shame,
Or else next quarter get him out of doores.
A wife (quoth Neates-foote) neuer while I breath,
I got one lately, but within this mile,
When as I thought to die no other death,
For iust her husband tooke vs in the while.

Vpon Methusus.

Epigram 96.

Methusus asked me why I called him for,
I answere made, because he lou'd the pot,
For while Methusus busie is with it,
The foole I'me sure's as busie with his wit.

Impresa's. To Maister William Bard, the glory of our Nation for Musique.

Epigram 97.

A Swan set dying, singing, and the word
In golden letters, Neuer such a bird.

To my La. M.

Epigram98.

A scepter Lady, yours within your fist,
Your mot plaine english, I do what I list.

To Maister Doctor Dowland.

Epigram 99.

Your word, Hinc illa lachrima, beneath,
A Venice Lute within a laurell wreath.

To my true friend Maister William Frost lately gone for Ireland.

Epigram 100.

A flock of Feld-fares, thine, vpon the coast,
Taking their leaues, and by them, Fare-well Frost.

To honest Rafe.

Epigram 101.

An embleme, Rafe, thou didst request of me,
A cudgell lying in an apple tree,
Be thine, and since, thou art i'th Gaole; I heare
Thy Po'sie, I am lodged for this yeare.

Epigram 102.

Why do Sir Iohn, Sir Hary, and Sir Hugh,
All winter long themselues like cuckowes hide,
Within good Townes, and seldome come in view,
Saue euery halfe yeare when their rents are paid?
I do imagine (though but my presumption)
They lie at Physick for the Purse consumption.

To the ingenious and excellent in Poesie Maister Thurstane Smith.

Epigram 103.

My noble Thurstane, I do maruaile much,
How thy braue Muse did find her selfe employ'd
In Norwich; spun she lersey with the Dutch,
Or lost she ought, and so there had it cri'd?
May be, she look'd for something in the waggon,
Or wish'd to make a speech before the dragon.

To my euer loued scholler Maister Hammond Claxton.

Epigram 104.

I prithy Hammond do thy labour spare,
To aske me what I lacke, as I do-passe
Your shop in Cheape, with sir, Heere sattens are,
Good three pil'd veluets, taffatas, gold lace:
But let me Hammond go in quiet by,
For thou knowst what I lacke as well as I.

Vpon Dorinda.

Epigram 105.

The faire Dorinda dressed cap a pie
In state, resembles Cambridge Trinitie,
Her, her all turret, and of wondrous cunning,
Her back-side broade, and front full faire in shew,
Onely her teeth stand like old rotten Row.

Vpon Sir Dolphin.

Epigram 106.

Sir Dolphin can endure no disgrace,
And present death 'tis to giue him the lie,
Yet is he drunke in euery ale-house base,
In Tapsters, Whoores, and Tinkers companie:

Vpon Sir Graceles.

Epigram 107.

While grim God-dammee, at my Ladies table,
Chewing the cudde of vengeance still did fit;
And (lately bastinado'd) was not able,
For melancholy to digest a bit,
But tearing heauen with feareful oathes did threate,
The flesh of that base slaue must be his meate;
And would haue sayd, A dagger he should buie,
Mistaking swore, A begger he would die.

[_]

A Lattin distich which a Frier of Shertogen Bosch in Brabant wrote in my Greeke Testament, while I was busie perusing some bookes in their Library, intituled,

Ad Angliam vestram.

Epigram 108.

Angelus indiderat, dicas, anne Anglia nomen,
Spirituum siquis Lucifer ille fuit.
Say England, did an Angell christen thee?
If any, surely Lucifer was he.

[_]

His back being turn'd, I left this behind me, in the first printed page of a faire Arias Montanus bible, to require him.

Ad Syluam Ducis.

Epigram 109.

Dicere. Sylua Ducis cur falso nomine, syluæ
Cum careas, sterilis stagnet et omnis ager?
Fallor, an in diuos arbor mutatur adstos,
In Monachum stipes quem stipe vulgus alit.
Why falselie art thou call'd the Dukes-wood, when
Thou hast no woods, and all thy foildes are fenne?
Thy Trees (I ghesse) are turn'd to fainted stocks,
And begging Friers haue robb'd thee of thy blocks.

Vpon Ello.

Epigram 110.

From Norwich e're since Ello had his wife,
He neuer led one minute quiet life,
For if but steppes with friends to drinke, he sweares
She comming beates the pots about his cares,
Or if the Hostesse in his presence be,
Downe go the windowes, and yee rogue, saies she,
Faith haue I found your haunt, what close with her,
Directly home yee foule toad-bellied curre:
Haue patience Ello, who knew euer yet,
But that a piece of Norwich stuffe would fret?

Epigram 111.

I one thing Coriat like, when I was ouer,
Obseru'd in Andwarp, Arnhem, and Sconhouter
Among the Dutch, which was they write aboue,
Inne doores, the name (as euery man did loue)
Of seuerall beeres within the house they haue,
As Bremers, Wesops Andwarps, and the Graue,
With Delfts, Breda's, Lubbs, Bogari's, English, and
As many sorts as Cities in the land.
Yet though the beere of sundry natures be,
In their being drunke no difference did I see.

Vpon Apodemon.

Epigram 112.

Great Apodemon surely much hath seene,
Since in all landes he vnder heauen hath beene;
And can of eatch as readily relate,
Their liuing lawes, their boundes, their wealth and state
As if in twice twelue houres he had gone,
With Sol the worlds bounds in procession.
Arabia much be praiseth for her smells,
Persis for silkes, her gemmes and pearly shells;
For poore and barren then he doth condemne,
The land of Iury with Hierusalem,
Virginia, he likes not, cause their aire is foggy,
Swede's rich in siluer, Hungary in gold,
England is temp'rate, Muscouie's too cold,
But since the pox some few daies since he got,
He neuer tels how France he found too hot.

Vpon Saint Maries steeple.

Epigram 113.

Saint Maries steeple's vp and ready soone,
But Paules 'tis thought will lie abed till noone?

Vpon Oenopolio.

Epigram 114.

Erewhile there was in Nigers streame (I read)
A Iewell found of price inualued,
For Nature this, one rude and massy stone,
Had cemented of euery pretious one,
To shew her skill or make some finder, poore
For wealth, to equall the greatst Emperour.
The Diamond disdaining borrowed light,
Was heere ioyn'd with the golden Chrysolite,,
The Iacyncth mixed with the Saphyre blew,
The Topaze Rubie with his fiery hew:
Heere Opals Emeralds of glassy greene,
The Sardonyx with Nigers Pearles were seene:
I neuer saw this wonder, but suppose,
It much resembled Oenopolio's nose.

Vpon Furno.

Epigram 115.

Fvrno (ith gaole) commends the dayes of old,
And those same times, our Poets say, were gold,
His fate vpbraiding which did giue him birth,
In this worst age of iron, when from earth,
Astrea's fled (his) valour wants regard,
Religion practise, learning her reward,
An iron age indeed that Furno feeles,
When iron hourely followee him at heeles.

Vpon a Duch Boore, and his answere to Charles the fift.

Epigram 116.

Vpon Theorbo.

Epigram 117.

Theorbo both in earnest and in sport,
Must beare a part in euery company;
And will be heard the loudest in consort,
That seldome mute or out of tune is he,
Saue when he wants a case vnto his back,
Or feares (at Tyborne) a base string to crack.

Vpon Taurus.

Epigram 118.

I'st true that Taurus late hath lost his wit?
How can that be when neuer he had it?
I could beleeue it, had he fought a fray,
And so perhaps his fingers cut away.

Vpon Sir Tristram.

Epigram 119.

See yee Sir Tristram yonder on the stage,
With the huge feather and his snout-faire page,
A fearefull neater tongue hanging by his side,
With a stilletta to his girdle tied,
The very same whom Druso's prentise met,
The other day and challeng'd for a debt
Some nine yeares owing; when Sir Tristram drew,
And in his furie at the prentise flew,
Who mildly crau'd a word within his eare,
(For shame, said he, it is to quarrell heere)
And by themselues, they might but next day meete,
In Finsoury, where he hit debt should quit
By valour, or be lyable to it.
It was agreed, next morrow both gone out,
Met, drawne, and ready for to haue about,
How long to fence, quoth Tristram, hast thou gone,
Seauen yeares, quoth' prentise: twenty now and one,
My sword, sayd Tristram, liaue I practised:
Then heare me fellow, it may not be sayd,
I euer wrong'd thee (for by all the Gods,
A gentleman I am, and scorne the oddes,)
Go foureteene yeares yet longer to thy fence,
I'le meete thee heere againe two seuen yeares hence,
On equall termes, and then God-dammee fight,
And by this hand-la do thee any right.

Epigram 120.

Sartor at Leyden hath commenc'd, they say,
And come a leaden Doctor thence away.

To my very worthy and honest friend Maister Robert Constable of Hingham, high Constable of the hundred of Forehow.

Epigram 121.

As pretious wares we see are often wrapt
In papers small, so fares it with me now,
Who in these leaues my dearest loue haue lapt
And sent it as a token vnto you,
Who of a Constable deserue to be,
A Iustice for your braine and honestie.

Epigram 122.

Great Bombos heire, whose golden suite and face
Shew like a Citterne in a guilded case,
With his six men late riding on the way,
At foote-ball needes would see the wenches play,
His men call'd on him still for to be gone,
For that the clock had newly stricken one,
Zounds will your wits (quoth he) not serue you then,
To take my watch and set it back to ten?
So haue we day enough, and by this light,
May eas'ly ride yet forty mile to night.

Epigram 123.

Beleeue Seuerus, that in these my times,
I taske no person, but the common crimes.

Vpon Nocturnus.

Epigram 124:

Nocturnus who was wont from place to place,
To foote it by his Maisters geldings side,
He dead, his Mistris lik'd so well his pace,
He now at ease doth in the saddle ride.

Vpon Andrada.

Epigram 125.

No fashioned felt or feather now adaies,
Will th' humor of our Citty please,
But neither of them are Andrada's care,
Who onely thinkes how he may come by haire.

Epigram 126.

Acolastus his Impresa.

Your Emblem must with palmes a willow be,
{ολεοικαρ Ποξ}written on the tree.

Epigram 127.

No dull conceite, no iest that's poore and leane,
No halting feete, or termes that be obscæne,
Come neere my verse: those graces I resigne,
To Cherilus and foule mouth'd Aretine:
For as my mind is merry, honest, free
I'ts image, so my veine and verses bee.