 | The Poetical Works of Oliver Wendell Holmes |  |
THE EXAMINATION
I
Come you Professors, young and oldDisperse yourselves around
And straight prepare to answer square
The questions we propound!
Speak out aloud before the crowd
And so we all shall see
If you have wit that makes you fit
To ask for our degree!
O Professors!
Professors, don't be shy
We'll put you through, so don't look blue,
Unless we turn you by!
II
Call Number one.—Professor Bones.Take down his age and name.
Now ask your questions, brother Jones.
Professor, hear the same.
349
Stand up upon your legs
And tell me why it's all a lie
That men are hatched from eggs?
O Professor
Professor, can't you tell?
I rather guess that you'll confess
The ovum is a sell.
III
What do you say? You all vote Nay.Professor Bones may go.
Professor Bougie, you'll proceed
To tell us what you know.
Explain this fact. When you extract
A polyp or a wen,
Why are you drest in all your best,
Among these plain young men?
O Professor!
Professor, can't you tell?
Why when you take a tumour out
You needs must cut a swell!
IV
Professor Bougie, stand aside,We cannot let you in.
Professor Squills, Professor Pills,
With you we will begin.
Pray tell us why, when people lie
In fevers, sick abed,
In your prescriptions you employ
A language that is dead?
O Professors!
Professors, don't you know?
Because its what the dead folks talk
Where all your patients go!
V
Vote, brothers! So, you all say No!Rejected both the two!
Professor Gasbag take the stand
And try what you can do.
If SH, KO, HO, N,
And—AN, OS, E
Are brought in contact, please explain
What will the product be?
O Professor!
Professor, can't you tell?
There is, no doubt you'll soon find out
There'll be a mighty smell!
VI
Now don't be vexed, but call the next,—Curator! won't you come?
He's always found a stirring round
In that old museum!
When Typhoid fever's getting well
Pray tell us why you find
That Peyers glands are like a boot
A cobbler mends behind?
O Professor?
How badly you must feel!
The healing of a patch is like
The patching of a heel!
VII
You all say No! it is no go!We can no longer dwell
And so we mean to call the Dean.
Professor Fontanel!
You know full well as people tell
The branch that you profess:
Why is the gravid matrix like
To Adams his Express?
O Professor
The reason I will state:
Because they both contract to make
Delivery of freight!
VIII
He can't get in! they're all turned by!Now boys, what shall we do?
Remember this, how you may miss
When they get hold of you!
So don't condemn, but pity them
And give them their degree.
For if we're kind to folks we find
That folks are kind to we!
O Professors!
Remember if you please
How kind we've been to let you in
And make us all M.D.'s!
| The Poetical Works of Oliver Wendell Holmes | |