The Probationary Odes of Jonathan Pindar, Esq A cousin of Peter's, and candidate for the post of Poet Laureat to the C. U. S. In two parts |
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 | The Probationary Odes of Jonathan Pindar, Esq |  |
Fortius et melius magnes plerumque fecat res.
Hor.
ODE I.
SALUTATORY ODE.
Jonathan reneweth his Homage—complaineth of the Desertion of his Printer—laboureth to remove Prejudices against him—displayeth his Knowledge in Natural History, and concludeth with a little Story.
With heart, and wind and limb, sound as a roach:
My humble Ditties if you'll not disdain
Thus, cap in hand, once more I will approach.
Or, I 'd been with you early in the Winter;
Bishops could better do without a Church
Than lofty Poets can without a Printer.
Your worships, truly, do not like my name;
Tho' Cousin Peter may be, to his shame.
So high, as to assault a Monarch's heel:
And sure I am, you'll every man deny,
That e're a shaft of mine has made you feel.
Unless I had him stretch'd upon the ground,
My blunted arrows from his royal Boot,
As from enchanted armour would rebound:
As to attack our Daddy-Vice, so big,
His Brain my shafts could never penetrate,
Lost in the bushy bulwark of his Wig :
Securely doth defy the Fowler's Lead,
Nor heeds its rattling terrors, all a rush,
Which ne'er can reach that Citadel his head.
Then Jonathan, at once, were stiff in Gold!
Such aukward trappings I should wish to spurn;
As Putnam, when he lost his dog of old .
As Argus faithful, and as Argus bold!
Who ne'er deserted in the hour of need,
But sled in terror from a coat of gold.
His awful brow contracted to a frown,
The very thought of which my soul pervades,
Might, like the Gorgon, turn me into stone.
Affords its nurslings such a charming shelter,
Whither, if they but hear a Raven scream,
They run, like little 'possums, helter-skelter;
Of many a sav'ry morsel between whiles;
And chirp and flutter all his snout beneath,
To warn of him of that damn'd Ichneumon G * s;
Harder than Elephant's or Rhinoceros' hide,
'Gainst which the Dart of Cephalus would fail,
Or e'en the Shafts of Phœbus glance aside,
When G * s; shall rear his fatal Battle-Ax:
Till then, his Wrens may feast upon his Gums,
Nor for a moment from their meal relax .
Were I to shoot them down his very throat;
And even should they hit a little Wren,
He'd turn and peck at me again, no doubt.
Upon your Bard when he appears before ye;
Suppose that for a moment I should try
To entertain you with a little Story.
THE MAGPIES—A TALE.
To Court, and hopp'd familiarly about,
From Room to Room; still running in and out,
And peeping in each corner, whilst they staid.
Where, in deep council and profound debate,
Sat all the feather'd great heads of the State
T' avert the prospect of approaching War;
And ev'ry Savage beast had gather'd round
To get poor Chanticleer upon the ground,
Who still upon the house-top crow'd and vaulted.
And in his heart the Quadrupeds prefer'd,
To starve the Cock at once gave his advice.
Not understanding more than half the matter,
About poor Chanticleer began to chatter,
And swore he would be starv'd outright, they knew.
A Bird for wisdom fam'd was heard to say,
Nor Bats nor Chatterers our nation sway,
The feather'd tribe are all the Cook's allies .
The Lilliputian's name for Gulliver: The epithet of man-mountain, as applied to our modern Atlas, must be confessed to be peculiarly happy.
Whether the venerable figure here alluded to is so well convinced of the strength of his pericranium as to dispense with that bulwark at present, or whether he is at length so far convinced of the absurdity of singularity, as to relinquish that favorite ornament, it is certain that he has lately laid aside his wig.
In the war which preceded the revolutionary war, General Putnam was an officer in the army. He was presented with a suit of laced regimentals by the General Assembly of the Province, and having dressed himself in them, on some Gala day, a favorite dog of his was so much affrighted at his metamorphosis, that he clapped his tail between his legs, and ran off yelping, and never after was seen by his master, who protested he would not have given his dog for a dozen suits of laced clothes.
Some writers on natural history mention that the crocodile admit the wren to this kind of familiarity, and that the bird in return gives him warning on the approach of the ichneumon, his natural and only formidable enemy, who attacks him by scratching out his eyes: others say he destroys his eggs.
Jonathan here seems to allude to advantages which the favourites of the Bank derive from that institution; a circumstance which may well account for the alarm spread by them whenever that Holy of Holies is supposed to be in danger of an inquiry. C. C.
Alas! poor Jonathan! how horridly hast thou been mistaken! The event hath proved that Bats and Chatterers are of more consequence than the whole nation put together. C. C.
ODE II.
TO A REGENERATED BODY .
Jonathan displayeth his Skill in the Therapeutic Art, and his acquaintance with the Doctors of the Soborne—warneth of contagious diseases, and concludeth with a new Case in Nosology.
To help a vitiated Constitution,
Some pounds of blood, per vene sect: sumend :
And with a Pig's, or Calf's make restitution.
Fait par le moyen d'une petite Canulle ;
The patient's health by this sophistication
Returning, when his veins are syring'd full.
Ere while it will corrupt the borrow'd mass,
Of wholesome blood from Swine's salubrious veins,
And fresh disease and torment bring to pass.
Of putrid humours which destroy their health,
Whilst in exchange much purer blood is gain'd,
Some subtle poison often lurks by stealth.
To poison your regenerate Corporation:
Some wholesome blood of Swine now fills its veins,
Avoid! I pray you, Sirs, Inoculation!
They will inoculate you without pain,
Your senses like a cozening Harlot cheat,
And whilst they fondle fix an odious Stain.
Small-pox, Assumption, Bank-script, Foreign Loans,
And Yellow-fever might infect e'en Saints,
And like a Leprosy corrode their bones.
Bush-Hill was not so dang'rous in September;
One more contagious rages in December:
Contagion threatens with resistless Rage,
Pollutes the Lips, the Tongue, the Heart, the Brain,
The Anglo-Mania nam'd by Doctors sage.
The patient trembles if Ca Ira 's heard;
Discrimination bloodless leaves his Face,
Though Friends to Enemies should be prefer'd
Base as a Courtier's, or as Spaniel's whipt:
Henceforth the wretch on British Ordure feeds,
To Guineas minted, or wrap'd up in Script .
This Ode appears to have been addressed to the last, and not the present regenerated Body.—The advise may not be amiss for the latter, since it proved too late for the former; and perhaps would have been disregarded had it been earlier. C. C.
For a more copious account of the manner of performing this operation, the reader is respectfully referred to the first volume of Tristram Shandy, page 129, &c.
This truly formidable Disease has made such progress of late, that one may be in as little danger of the plague in Grand Cairo, as of this contagion in some parts of the United States. C. C.
ODE III.
TO THE SAME.
Jonathan correcteth a general Error.—Propagateth a new Gospel-Salvation.—Warneth of false prophets; and concludeth with a modern Athanasian Creed, for the Benefit of good Believers.
Sublimis, cupidæsque, et amata relinquere pernix.
Hor.
Were held to be of her vile fabrication:
A dif'rent Story in our days is told:
Reports the Gospel are of our Salvation.
“Nor seek my sacred myst'ries to unravel.”
The Presbyterian Catechism Shorter
Contains not more young Cloddy-poles to gravel.
In vain prescribe modes of appropriation?
Have Laws or Constitution ought to do,
To change the course of HIS Predestination !
'Tis sitting then his will should both control,
And if perchance thro' blunder, or thro' whim,
They err, his will must rectify the whole.
Regard its Dictates more than sacred writ;
To Law, or Constitution why resort!
Stretch it, or tear it, if it will not fit.
Such may be deem'd Apocryphal no doubt!
Fail not at once to beat th' Allarum Drum;
And 'gainst false Prophets make a goodly rout.
These articles of faith I recommend,
Just tell them—as good Catholics their Beads;
Nor in Debate your precious time mispend:
“Sooner shall herds of Mice a Lion fright:
“Your only claim to favor, is submission,
“She'l grant to that, what she denies to right.
“Her utmost strength upon your corporation
“Those stripes which decorate your tender hide,
“Are but love-tokens, for your consolation.
“She hath bep'st you, till you smoke again,
“Doubt not 'tis holy water, at the least,
“That purifies you from each former stain.
“Let mighty Quimbus be all three in one;
“With thinking you no more need be perplext,
“Suffice it that you say—Thy will be done!”
It will be remembered that the late Secretary of the Treasury, in his Letter to his agent in Holland, written the very day that he received those instructions which he thought proper to disregard, speaks of his own destination of the money, which he was instructed to borrow for a different purpose.
Jonathan is mistaken in supposing the present Constitution the fabric of his hands. A constitution of King, Lords, and Commons was contemplated by our modern Machievel, and it will not be his fault if he does not yet succeed in such an establishment, with himself at the head of it. C. C.
ODE IV.
TO THE SAME.
Jonathan descanteth on the flight of Birds, and recommendeth to unfledged politicians to follow their example.
Their yellow down exchang'd for jetty fledge,
To southern climes in quest of food detach'd,
Are seen to cleave the air in shape of Wedge:
Their course directs, and distant realms explores;
His note each Goose repeats with solemn twang,
Till all together reach the destin'd shores.
Nor doubt they understand the destin'd course,
Tho' Bank-directors for amendments vote ,
Or Speculators, justice to enforce.
Shall S ** k e'er encounter Daniel Shays !
Shall A * s depreciate his well-earn'd STOCK!
Shall S * n forget the Bank, or means and ways!
Sooner the timid Hind a Panther face;
Sooner shall Misers give with open hands;
A Courtier sooner shall refuse a place.
Shall fight, or pay her by anticipation;
Sooner shall Atlas reverence the Laws,
When they oppose his own predestination.
ODE V.
TO ECONOMY.
Jonathan revileth Economy—and by a variety of Examples proves how prejudicial her advice hath been to the United States
Whose hands like millstones grind us all to dust,
Though once a vot'ry to thy name,
In thee, no more, I put my trust,
Since H *** n and K * x have clearly shewn,
Where thou art found no good can e'er be done.
Careful, and prudent as a Quaker trim,
Then tell me how it comes to pass,
That thou art grown so wond'rous grim?
Like strolling Dinah hast thou been betray'd,
And turn'd pickpocket 'cause thou 'rt not a maid?
When St. Clair was supplied with damag'd powder;
Could we have pop'd a little louder:
But who could hope to make the Indians run,
When all agree they never heard a gun!
We now behold the gallant General Wayne,
Amidst the desart left alone,
Pays tenfold for a peck of grain ;
On these cheap terms he holds the very place
Where Butler fell—while hundreds run a race.
And boldly vent'ring for the Public Weal,
That all might see those good effects,
Which few, too few, were doom'd to feel,
Our half-dead public credit to revive,
For twenty shillings OFFERS twenty-five .
He borrows of the Dutch at five per cent,
Whilst unto those who crowns inherit
At only four their money's lent .
Besides a pretty, little, snug douceur,
Which adds no trifling matter to the score.
He generously pays it all himself,
The Duty in one place collects,
And in another spends the Pelf .
Some farmers, thus, keep horses to make grain,
And only reap those horses to maintain.
Congress, thy sordid policy disdains,
Pays Speculators to a groat,
Nor at new Loans of millions strains;
But public credit to prop up intent,
Expends an Eagle to collect a Cent.
I marvel who thy Dad and Granam were,
A thrifty, squeezing, griping pair;
Of such as these a wag whom once I knew,
Just from the life this faithful picture drew.
SCOTCH ECONOMY—A TALE.
In the same shirt, still tolerably clean,
As Sawney thought, but that is not so clear,—
Crept naked into bed the sheets between.
At midnight bawl'd out fire, near Sawney's head.
Instant he wakes, and somewhat out of season,
Runs out stark naked, as he went to bed.
“Or say if this be some new Scottish fashion?”
Quoth Sawney, gravely, “Ken ye, I hate dirt;
“And once a year, this saves both soap and washing.”
This Ode appears to have been written in the Spring or Summer of 1794. Jonathan might have produced other examples had he lived to the present period. C. C.
See the account given by General Scott of the prices of grain, &c. in General Wayne's army, Spring 1794.
The reason assigned for this extraordinary policy was that foreigners might be prevented from becoming stock-holders in our funds. The Secretary of the Treasury must have been very shortsighted not to have foreseen, that it must produce the very reverse of that effect. To raise the funds above par was the ready way to invite those who wished to invest their property in secure funds, to prefer such where their stock would be of most value. And he must have known, that even at twenty-five per cent. advance, the stock-holder in the American funds would get five per cent. for his money, instead of four, which is the highest rate of interest paid in any part of Europe. It ought moreover to be remembered, that at the time of this extraordinary manœuvre public securities might have been bought for nine or ten shillings in the pound, in any part of America.
This fact being borrowed from the English newspapers, will no doubt obtain credit with many who might otherwise disbelieve it.
Reader, thou mayest disbelieve this fact if it seemeth good to thee so to do; but, upon the word of an honest man, I have the best reason to believe it.
Dutch Economy—a Tale, was intended to have followed here; but the original was unfortunately illegible, being written on the cover of a letter, the edges of which were rubbed and torn. C. C.
ODE VI.
COUSIN JONATHAN TO COUSIN PETER.
Hor.
By just hereditary claim
Heir to the Theban Bard's immortal Fame
For lofty metre,
Refuse not to a younger Brother's line
Some portion of thine heritage divine.
Like him, on sounding pinions borne,
Sailest supreme:—Whilst on a rock, forlorn,
I sit the while,
In wonder lost at thy stupendous height,
Nor dare on feeble wing pursue thy flight.
This infant region to survey,
Which scarcely thrice has seen its natal day,
Thou 'dst spy a Group
Of Pictures, worthy of thine exhibition
In thy next Lyric Odes Academician .
With stedfast eye the sun surveying,
His talons stretching, and his plumes essaying;
On pinions regal
Mounting, he soars aloft above the stars
And hurls Jove's thunderbolts about our ears.
Upon the trap-door of a dungeon,
And mighty Atlas, with a royal truncheon,
His slaves commanding
To drop the platform underneath her feet,
And *** prepar'd his orders to compleat.
Hammering, like any Tinman for his bread,
To hammer out a crown for Cæsar's head ;
With sly intention,
Cæsar no more, to make the crown his own
And bury Liberty beneath his Throne.
Large as an oilman's jar, and busy grown
As alch'mist seeking the philos'pher's stone,
Now found reducible
From rags and paper cram'd into the pot,
Yielding a ton of gold upon the spot.
Like a French Ensign in a naval battle,
By that same Atlas and his venal cattle,
Laughing to scorn
Each cobweb net for conscience it contains,
Fetters of pen and ink, and parchment chains.
For Messieurs S * ms, and Co. to speak ,
Like puppets which their master's nonsense squeak;
Which surely teaches
That Representatives, if made of wood,
Might do less harm—and haply, not less good.
Slipping, one part dispatch'd, behind the scene,
Still prompting those that on the stage remain;
He'll soon prepare
An Emperor, or King, or President .
As Dunstan led the Devil, by the nose,
Blinded by spells and charms, (an ample dose
To turn the head
Of that fam'd chief who Circe's charms withstood)
Prepar'd by Speculation's hellish brood.
Like Bats; or Vultures o'er a field of blood;
Sucking, like Vampires , their infernal food
From many a wound:
Still mangling in the dark their wretched prey,
They shun the odious light, and treach'rous day.
Where so many strive for pre-eminence, it would have been injurious to name one only; and the line would not admit of more.
It is not improbable that when Mark Anthony offered to place a crown on Cæsar's head, he expected to have succeeded him in the possession of it. The ATTEMPT made in the Convention bears a strong resemblance to that incident. That it did not succeed, is perhaps to be attributed only to that immaculate patriotism, which the Roman Cæsar never felt, and the American never ceased to feel.
Some of the most eloquent speeches delivered in Congress are said to have been prepared by this versatile genius.
Doubt not gentle reader, thou wilt soon see this great Actor, like a second Garrick, appear in some new, and splendid character.
Vampires, according to an ancient superstition in Europe are evil beings which haunt church-yards and hospitals, sucking the blood of the living, and preying upon the carcases of the dead.
ODE VII.
TO DEATH
Jonathan adjureth Death to spare certain estimable Characters—Complimenteth Death on his Allies, &c.
Have flown about, of late, as thick as hail,
Or German bullets—come not to these parts,
Unless thou well discern'st whom to assail.
Kings, Emperors, Czarinas, Dukes, Electors,
Regents, Conspirators, Assassins, Spies
Are thy confederates, and great protectors.
In mowing down their unbelieving Foes;
Nor spare of those vile Democrats a tythe,
Who Kings, or would-be-Lordlings dare oppose.
But two, or three, from A—quite down to Z.
Spare H *** n to Speculators' prayers,
Nor stuff with meagre K * x thy hungry gizzard.
No doubt thou knowest whom to decimate:
Nor yet on mighty Solon come down souze,
Whose well-worn mask perchance might tempt his fate;
To wond'ring pupils—and to juries lectures;
To ladies publishes law dedications,
And o'er poor prostrate Blackstone stoutly hectors.
And turns whole mines of learning out before ye,
Classics, philosophers, and sages quotes;
Which just brings to my mind a little story .
ODE VIII.
TO NEUTRALITY.
Jonathan rehearseth the advantages of Neutrality.
Uncertain in thy gender as thy face is;
A dastard, squeaking, base hermaphrodite,
Whom manhood to a monster but debases.
For favors suing both, alike in vain,
To whom the gifts of Nature just suffice,
To double all thy wants, and their disdain.
Art kick'd and cuff'd by those thou caterest for,
Still doom'd to bow thine abject, servile head,
To those whom most thine impotence abhor.
With stripes that mark him for no common dunce;
Or, like a thief, that's in the mainer caught,
Art rifled, strip'd and whip'd or hang'd at once.
To make him softer chickens not his own,
Which, nurs'd and shelter'd by him whilst they're young,
Are sure to peck, and beat him when they 're grown.
Herculean limbs, and nerves, and strength, and might,
So may the Gods reverse thy hateful doom,
And thy dim stars reflect a lustre bright.
ODE IX.
TO SPECULATION.
Jonathan celebrateth the virtues and blessings of Speculation.
Quoties contemplor nammos in arca.
Some modern worthies rise like school boy's kite,
Soaring above us with supreme delight,
Whilst with the shouts below the welkin rings:
Shouts, such as farmers use to crows and daws,
Contempt and hatred speaking—not applause:
Rising, like any sky-lark, out of sight,
With S * h pursued his bold advent'rous flight,
S ** k and W ** h and a dozen more,
Whose names are all enrolled in the Banks,
An honor priz'd above constituents' thanks.
Of error purg'd, the certain tract he spies,
The game pursues with eagle's wings and eyes,
And, seizing, quickens his impetuous flight:
Tho' gorg'd, insatiate still! for thus employ'd
Promethean vultures would be sooner cloy'd.
And carious aching stumps unheal'd remain,
With not a comfort to assuage his pain,
Whilst with his groans the troubled air resounds,
The sordid Gripus , all unfeeling, hears,
Or with the victim's pension stops his ears!
Infest our commerce, and our lands invade,
Indians and Algerines suborn her views to aid,
And hold the nation always in alarm;
Thy venal train, on quarter-day intent,
Submission! cry, and peace! and six per cent.
So vile an agent to promote her cause,
Trampling on Justice, and her sacred laws,
And prostituting conscience 'self for gain;
Union shall flourish then, and strength arise,
And Justice wave her banners to the skies.
Which at the present time befitteth well.
THE DRUNKEN INDIAN.—A TALE.
The wonders of that wond'rous place to see,
Was ask'd, two fav'rite wishes might he frame,
Sure of the grant, what would those wishes be?
“And all our mountains sugar-loaves become,”
“Those wishes granted, what more would you ask,
“If a third wish you might, likewise, obtain?”
To answer now was not an easy task.
At length in transport cries, “more RUM, more RUM!”
And Speculation saw her gains untold,
Which from that source and from Assumption sprung,
Awhile her wishes in suspense were hung.
Let's have a Bank! a Bank! she cries—to damn the Nation.
Awhile in deep suspence the harpy stands;
But hark! she cries out—Sell the Western Lands!
See the last report made to Congress by the late Secretary of the Treasury, in which the western lands are proposed to be sold at twenty cents per acre.
ODE X.
TO PANEGYRIC.
Jonathan revileth Satire—Detecteth her falsities, and disclaiming all future connection with her, invoketh Panegyric.
Hor.
Juvenal.
Shall Panegyric reign and Censure cease.
Which erst aloft its croaking mother bore,
Now dip'd in gall, or asp's envenom'd spume,
Or the Lernæn Hydra's caustic gore,
Shall tempt these fingers, doom'd to other toil,
One page of virgin paper, ere to soil.
Like aqua-fortis tho' thy breath corrode,
Like armour temper'd by the Lemnian God.
Vain, then, the hope, that in this golden Age,
One victim shall be found to glut thy rage,
Lo! S * h and A * s your fierce attacks despise;
S ** k grows bold—nor thinks of turning tail;
As if blood-bolster'd Banquo met his eyes.
Each Bank Director in defiance stands,
And Speculators clap their gilded hands.
With such success their alchymistic power!
Thy rags and paper, one day blown away,
The next descending in a golden shower,
Like Jove!—or Himnap —who in shape of script
Into his neighbour's Dish his singers dipt;
A Billet-doux his reputation clears.
Of Livery, Petticoat, or Gipsey-hat
Securely hid, from prying, vulgar eyes,
Steals to his assignations, like a cat:
For not Grimalkin, hunting for a mouse,
Makes less disturbance in Cornuto's house.
Secrets, for secret-services impart,
Like Sampson, whilst you nightly play the rake,
To each Dalilah open all your heart?
Whence each Cornuto with returning morn,
Like Ammon rises with a gilded horn!
To kiss the mistress, and neglect the maid!
Unless you better like to kiss them both;
Himnap at Highgate hath been sworn, 'tis said.
But groping in the dark for pretty Moll,
He, like Ixion, only grasps—a doll .
As ere were fish'd up out of Falsehood's well.
'Tis there that Madam Truth is known to dwell.
Caitiff, thou liest! hear it to thy face;
Falsehood hath long usurp'd that Lady's place.
Tyrant, the Guillotine demands thy Head!
Mild Panegyric shall thy Throne obtain,
And rule by coaxing, as thou dost by dread:
Like Milton, she can paint e'en Devils fair,
Whilst thou would'st paint them blacker than they are.
Dost Tyrants turn to Martyrs after Death;
Be thou my friend, my Patroness and Guide:
Dame of the Syren-voice! thy potent breath
Can blow up bubbles into air-balloons,
And grains of mustard swell to suns and moons;
Would'st thou but in a glass-house try thy skill,
We should have bottles, which a tun could fill.
This worthy character is said to have been as much affected by the name of Shays, as Macbeth by the appearance of Banquo's Ghost.
Certainly Jonathan meant to use the word their, instead of thy: the sense is much more complete. C. C.
This story does not bear so near an analogy to that of Danæ, as may be supposed—since I do not recollect that it is any where said that Danæ had a husband, or if she had, that he was in the secret: the denouement is said to be a state-secret, and therefore, not to be divulged
As this story is confined to a few polite tea-tables; it is a proof that Jonathan has kept the best company in town. C. C.
ODE XI.
TO JANUS.
Jonathan invadeth Janus—describes his different Countenances, and supplicateth him to wheel about.
Dost, like th' adoring Persian, humbly bow;
But turnest like grim Mars upon the west,
The vengeful fury of thy wrathful brow:
Levees—and dines with ministers of state,
Courting with smiles those ever faithful friends,
And gaining in return—a chair and plate.
With more than Gorgon terrors in its frown;
Spreading with pestilential breath those deadly ills,
Which to be dreaded need but to be known.
Turn to the setting sun thy smiling face:
Thus wrath shall in thine eastern face be found,
And just resentment wipe off our disgrace,
Should make atonement, keep thy temple shut.
Curst be the hand that first shall strike a blow,
To burst its portals—and war's rage to glut.
ODE XII.
TO ECHO.
Jonathan most musically invoketh Echo; inviteth her to the City, and to the Honours of the sitting in Congress.
Stout Hercules for loss of Hylas,
That Echo from the hollow ground
His doleful wailings did resound.
Hudie.
The lonely forest, and the darksome dell,
The dreary cavern and the vaulted cell,
And tottering tower hung with ivy green;
Silent amidst the solitary scene,
Where the lone screetch-owl loves to dwell;
Responsive only to her fearful screams,
Or neighbouring steeple's solemn knell,
What time the flitting meteor gleams,
Or strikes the village clock the midnight bell.
Nor dread another Swain's neglect!
Such treatment ne'er again expect,
Since, now, thy modest merit's fully known.
No more shalt thou alliterate;
As when you wooed Narcissus fair,
Or chid stout Orsin, bellowing for his bear;
But flippant as a modern female grown,
In Congress shalt thou take thy seat,
And speeches, there, an hour long repeat.
ODE XIII.
TO THE DEMOCRATIC SOCIETIES.
Jonathan revileth the Democratic Societies: vilifieth their Divinity—and rehearseth her abominable Acts of Savage Cruelty.
Your whilom Goddess is turn'd Cannibal!
Whose impious jaws our peaceful Congress dreads,
More than old Rome did Hannibal.
Who victims slew upon her altar,
At length disgusted with the bloody feast,
Begins to feel his stomach faulter.
Upon the lower Rhine and Upper!
The Alps and Pyrenees hath she not scour'd,
And scarcely left enough for supper!
On wicked Sodom or Gomorrah,
Egypt's first-born, or Stubborn Necho's Crown;
Or, on the Poles, by general Swarrow.
But just to whet her appetite:
If, hungry, she should this way chance to call,
Some folks may well be in a fright!
“That LIBERTY which poetry has deified as a Goddess, history proves to be a Cannibal.” Speech of Fisher Ames on the debate for censuring the Democratic Societies, Dec. 1794.
ODE XIV.
THE DUTCHMAN AND THE SKIPPLE-STONE.
Jonathan exhorteth to reverence the Examples of our elders—telleth a Story, and concludeth with its moral.
Likewise do ye! nor think to ask the reason:
That which was folly, when it first begun,
Shall wisdom seem, in proper time and season.
Can construe, fix, or change the Constitution:
They are stout cords that hold the mind in awe,
And fetter the attempts of Revolution.
Wear bushy wigs;—sometimes a scarlet robe;
This precedent directs, wherefore 'tis fit
That Judges wear the same throughout the globe.
The gentle Adriatic for his Spouse;
Yet never takes her Highness to his bed,
But wisely keeps another in his house.
The Lord shall kiss his vassal's maiden bride;
The husband's rights commence the second night,
The first to his embraces is denied.
Hot from the buttocks of a living Bull.
John Bull, with horror struck, his eyes would shut
Against such sights!—yet eats his belly-full
Of lamb stones, whilst the victim straddling by,
Blates for the loss of his delicious fry.
Yet John 's no Cannibal—at most, not more
Than all his ancestors have been before.
A skipple-stone is us'd to balance weight
On horseback borne; this balance is just such
As Daddy Vice requires in ev'ry state.
With sack half fill'd with wheat and half with stone,
Was once advis'd a diff'rent course to seek;
Double the wheat, and let the stone alone.
Throws out the stone, and fills the sack with grain,
Divides it equally, and takes the road.
“Dis meal two weeks mine household shall maintain,”
Soon turns him back.—Again he takes the sack,
And emptying half the wheat as he'd been taught,
Into its place the skipple-stone puts back;
Thus mutt'ring to himself as he was won't
“If dis been right, mine Fader would á don't.
Go, copy mother Britain all your days!
Keep her example ever in your eye,
Her follies mimic, and chaunt forth her praise.
ODE XV.
TO MERCURY.
Te canam, magni Jovis et Deorum
Nuntium.
Hor.
Ambassador and errand boy of Jove,
Whose honied lips are with persuasion hung,
Whate'er the theme thine eloquence approve.
Each secret spring and mystery describe,
Unveil a Treaty, penetrate a League,
Detect a Bargain, or smell out a Bribe.
The subtle agent thou, and go-between,
The breach can'st widen, or contention end,
Adjust the terms, or give the bribe, unseen.
Pirates turn'd honest privateersmen, thrive;
And thievish refugees, no more afraid,
Shall now in turn their persecutors drive.
Camillus Curtius, H *** n or J * y,
O let the Treaty thy protection claim,
Defend the British Court and IT, I pray.
That much to suffer is but to provoke,
That hatred 's due to those we ought to love,
And love to those who have our nappers broke.
That faith is due but to perfidious foes;
Security begins where safety ends,
And peace commences with a bloody nose:
To pay is to receive what is our due;
That cowardice is courage ne'ertheless;
Falsehood the only thing on earth that's true.
Camillus is the signature of the author of the Defence published in New-York. The signature of Curtius appears to have been adopted by the same, or some ether party-writers of the same kidney. If these gentlemen are not already members of the British pension-list, it seems probable that they are candidates for that honour.
ELEGY.
Whose fate we all must sigh at;
Two years a busy life it led,
Though now it lies so quiet.
And echo back long speeches,
And oft the Constitution rend,
Nor ever head the breaches.
'Twould stoutly swear and swagger;
And fight too,—with a goose's quill,
But not with sword or dagger.
And meekly bore with new ones;
False friends prefer'd to true ones.
It tax'd us without ending;
But lest the Public Debt should cease,
Devis'd new ways of spending.
It set about curtailing,
Reserving to itself no less
The liberty of railing.
As Spaniard doth his spouse, Sirs;
And, like him, its affection prov'd,—
Confin'd her to the house, Sirs.
With face as red as scarlet,
That you'd suppose she was as frail
As any common harlot.
At Clubs and Democrats, Sirs;
As some good folks are in a fright
When they espy a Cat, Sirs.
No mortal now denies, Sirs
(Although too late 'tis understood)
By opening all our eyes, Sirs.
Like British Kings, forever;
For from its ashes shall revive
Another full as clever.
Their heads above the water,
With Liberty they'l make as bold
As if they'd fairly bought her.
For darling Speculation;
If nothing else a price would yield,
Such men would sell the nation.
The time taken up the last Congress in fabricating the address to the President, cost the country a sum that would have redeemed many of our fellow citizens from slavery. One or two days debate were spent upon a single word, and several upon a paragraph.
Who would not have thought to have heard the indignation vomited forth against the Algerines, that THEY at least would have experienced the effects of our resentments? Even the peaceful mission of Mr. Jay was interpreted to have an object somewhat different.
The projected sale of the Western Lands, at 20 cents per acre—(the price contemplated in the report of the late Secretary of the Treasury) if carried into effect, will afford a Banquet to the Speculators, more delicious than even the establishment of the Bank. Such a waste of national treasure would almost amount to selling the nation itself.
AN Elegiac Ode.
To the memory of Doctor James Hutchinson, of Philadelphia, who fell a victim to the Pestilential Fever that raged there, Sept. 1793,—written on hearing of his Death.
Hear'd ye the lapwing's cry, the watch-dog's yell?
The bird of night's portentous scream?
That solemn, plaintive, passing bell?
'Twas Hutchinson's!—yon torpid mass of clay
From bliss no more its heav'nly guest detains;
To regions of eternal day,
He soars, releas'd from earthly chains,
Angel-choirs there shall greet him;
Kindred spirits fly to meet him!
And bless'd her with his last departing breath,
Shall weave a garland for his head,
And hail him victor over death;
The mangled soldier, o'er whose ghastly wound
He dropt the tender, sympathetic tear,
Still mindful of his tender care;
Songs of gladness shall proclaim
The welcome stranger's worth and name!
Of gout, or gravel, rheumatism, stone,
Mingling with the joyful train,
His healing art, and aid shall own:
Th' abandon'd prey to pest'lence and despair,
Escap'd from recent scenes of worldly woe,
Shall wond'ring haste to meet him there,
Whom late they joy'd to meet below;
Then with him to those mansions soar
Where pain and sorrow are no more.
Ten thousand dog-stars' distance dare approach;
Confin'd to their own little sphere
The venom shed in his reproach:
But round him all the virtues, hand in hand,
Smiling benignant on their fav'rite son,
As whilst his earthly course he run,
His footsteps guiding towards the throne
Of Life, Light, Truth, th' Eternal One!
Some very illiberal reflections on the Doctor, as a member of the Democratic Society in Philadelphia, appeared a short time before his death. Jonathan is indebted to two gentlemen of respectable characters in the revolutionary army, who were no friends to the Doctor's politics, for the character here given of him.
| The Probationary Odes of Jonathan Pindar, Esq | |