 | The Breitmann Ballads |  |
129
BREITMANN IN POLITICS.
I.
1.—THE NOMINATION.
Vhen ash de var vas ober, und Beace her shnowwice vings
Vas vafin' o'er de coondry (in shpodts) like efery dings;
Und heroes vere revardtet, de beople all pegan
To say 'tvas shame dat nodings vas done for Breitemann.
Vas vafin' o'er de coondry (in shpodts) like efery dings;
Und heroes vere revardtet, de beople all pegan
To say 'tvas shame dat nodings vas done for Breitemann.
No man wised how id vas shtartet, or vhere der fore shlog came,
Boot dey shveared it vas a cinder, dereto a purnin shame:
“Dere is Schnitzerl in de Gustom-House—potzblitz! can dis dings be!—
Und Breitmann he hafe nodings: vot sighds is dis to see!
Boot dey shveared it vas a cinder, dereto a purnin shame:
“Dere is Schnitzerl in de Gustom-House—potzblitz! can dis dings be!—
Und Breitmann he hafe nodings: vot sighds is dis to see!
“Nod de virst ret cendt for Breitmann! ish dis do pe de gry
On de man dat sacked de repels und trinked dem high und dry?
By meine Seel' I shvears id, und vhat's more I deglares id's drue,
He vonce gleaned oudt a down in half an our, und shtripped id strumpf und shoe.
On de man dat sacked de repels und trinked dem high und dry?
130
He vonce gleaned oudt a down in half an our, und shtripped id strumpf und shoe.
“Vhen dey ploondered de down of Huntsville, I dells you vot, py tam!
He burned oop four biano-fords and a harp to roast a ham;
Vhen he found de rouge und émail de Paris, which de laties hafe hid in a shpot,
He whited his horse all ofer—und denn pinked his ears, bei Gott!
He burned oop four biano-fords and a harp to roast a ham;
Vhen he found de rouge und émail de Paris, which de laties hafe hid in a shpot,
He whited his horse all ofer—und denn pinked his ears, bei Gott!
“Vhen he found dat a blace was ploonder-fool, he alvays tell dem, sure:
‘Men, sack und pack! I shoots mine eyes for only shoost an uhr.’
Boot if de blace vas fery rich, he vouldt say mit a solemn mien:
‘Men—I only shleep for von half uhr more—ve moost hafe tiscipline.’
‘Men, sack und pack! I shoots mine eyes for only shoost an uhr.’
Boot if de blace vas fery rich, he vouldt say mit a solemn mien:
‘Men—I only shleep for von half uhr more—ve moost hafe tiscipline.’
“He was shoost like Kœnig Etzel, of whom de shdory dell,
Der Hun who go for de Romans und gife dem shinin hell;
Only dis dat dey say no grass vouldt crow vhere Etzel's horse had trot,
Und I really peliefe vhere Breitmann go, de hops shpring oop, bei Gott!”
Der Hun who go for de Romans und gife dem shinin hell;
Only dis dat dey say no grass vouldt crow vhere Etzel's horse had trot,
Und I really peliefe vhere Breitmann go, de hops shpring oop, bei Gott!”
If once you tie a dog loose, dere ish more soon geds aroundt,
Und vhen dis vas shtartedt on Breitmann id was rings aroom be-foundt;
Dough vhy he moost hafe somedings vas nod by no means glear,
Nor tid id, like Paulus' confersion, on de snap to all abbear!
Und vhen dis vas shtartedt on Breitmann id was rings aroom be-foundt;
131
Nor tid id, like Paulus' confersion, on de snap to all abbear!
Und, in facdt, Balthazar Bumchen saidt he couldtent nicht blainly see
Vhy a feller for gadderin' riches shood dus revartedt pe:
Der Breitmann own drei Houser, mit a weinhandle in a stohr,
Dazu ein Lager-Wirthschaft, und sonst was—somedings more.
Vhy a feller for gadderin' riches shood dus revartedt pe:
Der Breitmann own drei Houser, mit a weinhandle in a stohr,
Dazu ein Lager-Wirthschaft, und sonst was—somedings more.
Dis plasted plackguard none-sense ve couldn't no means shtand,
From a narrow-mineted shvine's kopf, of our nople captain grand:
Soosh low, goarse, betty bornirtheit a shentleman deplores;
So ve called him verfluchter Hundsfott, und shmysed him out of toors.
From a narrow-mineted shvine's kopf, of our nople captain grand:
Soosh low, goarse, betty bornirtheit a shentleman deplores;
So ve called him verfluchter Hundsfott, und shmysed him out of toors.
So ve all dissolfed dat Breitmann shouldt hafe a nomination
To go to de Legisladoor, to make some dings off de nation;
Mit de helb of a Connedigut man, in whom ve hafe great hobes,
Who hat shange his boledics fivdeen dimes, und derefore knew de robes.
To go to de Legisladoor, to make some dings off de nation;
Mit de helb of a Connedigut man, in whom ve hafe great hobes,
Who hat shange his boledics fivdeen dimes, und derefore knew de robes.
132
2.—THE COMMITTEE OF INSTRUCTION.
Denn for our Insdructions Comedy de ding vas protocollirt,
By Docktor Emsig Grubler, who in Jena vonce studiret;
Und for Breitmann his insdrugtions de comedy tid say
Dat de All out-going from de Ones vash die first Morál Idée.
By Docktor Emsig Grubler, who in Jena vonce studiret;
Und for Breitmann his insdrugtions de comedy tid say
Dat de All out-going from de Ones vash die first Morál Idée.
Und de segondt crate Morál Idée dat into him ve rings,
Vas dat government for every man moost alfays do efery dings;
Und die next Idée do vitch his mindt esbecially ve gall,
Is to do mitout a Bresident und no government ad all.
Vas dat government for every man moost alfays do efery dings;
Und die next Idée do vitch his mindt esbecially ve gall,
Is to do mitout a Bresident und no government ad all.
Und die fourt' Idée ve vish der Hans vouldt alfays keeb in fiew,
Ish to cooldifate die Peaudifool, likevise de Goot und Drue;
Und de form of dis oopright-hood in proctise to present,
He must get our liddle pills all bassed, mitout id's gostin' a cent.
Ish to cooldifate die Peaudifool, likevise de Goot und Drue;
Und de form of dis oopright-hood in proctise to present,
He must get our liddle pills all bassed, mitout id's gostin' a cent.
133
Und die fift' Idée—ash learnin' ish de cratest ding on eart',
Und ash Shoopider der Vater to Minerfa gife gebirt'—
Ve peg dat Breitmann oonto oos all pooplic tocuments
Vhich he can grap or shteal vill sendt—franked—mit his gompliments.
Und ash Shoopider der Vater to Minerfa gife gebirt'—
Ve peg dat Breitmann oonto oos all pooplic tocuments
Vhich he can grap or shteal vill sendt—franked—mit his gompliments.
Die sechste crate Morál Idée—since id fery vell ish known
Dat mind is de resooldt of food, ash der Moleschott has shown,
Und ash mind ish de highest form of Gott, as in Fichte dot' abbear—
He moost alfays go mit de barty dat go for lagerbier.
Dat mind is de resooldt of food, ash der Moleschott has shown,
Und ash mind ish de highest form of Gott, as in Fichte dot' abbear—
He moost alfays go mit de barty dat go for lagerbier.
Now ash all dese insdrugdions vere showed to Mishder Twine,
De Yangee boledician, he say dey vere fery fine:
Dey vere pesser ash goot, und almosdt nice—a tarnal tall concern;
Boot dey hafe some liddle trawpacks, und in fagdt weren't worth a dern.
De Yangee boledician, he say dey vere fery fine:
Dey vere pesser ash goot, und almosdt nice—a tarnal tall concern;
Boot dey hafe some liddle trawpacks, und in fagdt weren't worth a dern.
Boot yet, mit our bermission, if de shentlemans allow—
Here all der Sharmans in de room dake off deir hats und pow—
He vouldt gife our honored gandidate some nodions of his own,
Hafing managed some elegdions mit sookcess, as vell vas known.
Here all der Sharmans in de room dake off deir hats und pow—
He vouldt gife our honored gandidate some nodions of his own,
Hafing managed some elegdions mit sookcess, as vell vas known.
134
Let him plow id all his own vay, he'd pet as sure as born,
Dat our mann vouldt not coom oud of der liddle endt der horn,
Mit his goot proad Sharman shoulders—dis maket oos laugh, py shink!
So de comedy shtart for Breitmann's—Nota bene—after a trink!
Dat our mann vouldt not coom oud of der liddle endt der horn,
Mit his goot proad Sharman shoulders—dis maket oos laugh, py shink!
So de comedy shtart for Breitmann's—Nota bene—after a trink!
3.—MR. TWINE EXPLAINS BEING “SOUND UPON THE GOOSE.”
Dere in his crate corved oaken shtuhl der Breitemann sot he:
He lookt shoost like de shiant in de Kinder hishdorie;
Und pefore him, on de tische, was—vhere man alfays foundt it—
Dwelf inches of good lager, mit a Bœmisch glass around it.
He lookt shoost like de shiant in de Kinder hishdorie;
Und pefore him, on de tische, was—vhere man alfays foundt it—
Dwelf inches of good lager, mit a Bœmisch glass around it.
De foorst vordt dat der Breitmann spoke he maked no sbeech or sign!
De nexd remark vas, “Zapfet aus!”—de dird vas, “Schenket ein!”
Vhen in coomed liddle Gottlieb und Trina mit a shtock
Of allerbest Markgraefler wein—dazu dwelf glaeser Bock.
De nexd remark vas, “Zapfet aus!”—de dird vas, “Schenket ein!”
Vhen in coomed liddle Gottlieb und Trina mit a shtock
Of allerbest Markgraefler wein—dazu dwelf glaeser Bock.
Denn Mishder Twine deglare dat he vas happy to denounce
Dat as Coptain Breitmann suited oos egsockdly do an ounce,
He vas ged de nomination, and need nod more eckshblain:
Der Breitmann dink in silence, and denn roar aloudt, Champagne!
Dat as Coptain Breitmann suited oos egsockdly do an ounce,
135
Der Breitmann dink in silence, and denn roar aloudt, Champagne!
Denn Mishder Twine, while drinkin' wein, mitwhiles vent on do say,
Dat long instruckdions in dis age vere nod de dime of tay;
Und de only ding der Breitmann need to pe of any use
Vas shoost to dell to efery man he's soundt oopon der coose.
Dat long instruckdions in dis age vere nod de dime of tay;
Und de only ding der Breitmann need to pe of any use
Vas shoost to dell to efery man he's soundt oopon der coose.
Und ash dis liddle frase berhops vas nod do oos bekannt,
He dakes de liberdy do make dat ve shall oondershtand,
And vouldt dell a liddle shdory vitch dook blace pefore de wars:
Here der Breitmann nod to Trina, und she bass aroundt cigars.
He dakes de liberdy do make dat ve shall oondershtand,
And vouldt dell a liddle shdory vitch dook blace pefore de wars:
Here der Breitmann nod to Trina, und she bass aroundt cigars.
“Id ish a longe dime, now here, in Bennsylfanien's Shtate,
All in der down of Horrisburg dere rosed a vierce depate,
'Tween vamilies mit cooses, und dose vhere none vere foundt—
If cooses might, by common law, go squanderin' aroundt?
All in der down of Horrisburg dere rosed a vierce depate,
'Tween vamilies mit cooses, und dose vhere none vere foundt—
If cooses might, by common law, go squanderin' aroundt?
136
“Dose who vere nod pe-gifted mit cooses, und vere poor,
All shvear de law forbid dis crime, py shings und cerdain sure;
But de coose-holders teklare a coose greadt liberdy tid need,
And to pen dem oop vas gruel, und a mosdt oon-Christian teed.
All shvear de law forbid dis crime, py shings und cerdain sure;
But de coose-holders teklare a coose greadt liberdy tid need,
And to pen dem oop vas gruel, und a mosdt oon-Christian teed.
“Und denn anoder barty idself tid soon refeal,
Of arisdograts who kepd no coose, pecause 'twas nod shendeel:
Tey tid not vish de splodderin' keese shouldt on deir pafemends bass,
So dey shoined de anti-coosers, or de oonder lower glass!”
Of arisdograts who kepd no coose, pecause 'twas nod shendeel:
Tey tid not vish de splodderin' keese shouldt on deir pafemends bass,
So dey shoined de anti-coosers, or de oonder lower glass!”
Here Breitmann led his shdeam out: “Dis shdory goes to show
Dat in poledicks, ash lager, virtus in medio.
De drecks ish ad de pottom—de skoom floads high inteed;
Boot das bier ish in de mittle, says an goot old Sharman lied.
Dat in poledicks, ash lager, virtus in medio.
De drecks ish ad de pottom—de skoom floads high inteed;
Boot das bier ish in de mittle, says an goot old Sharman lied.
“Und shoost apout elegdion-dimes de scoom und drecks, ve see,
Have a pully Wahl-verwandtschaft, or election-sympathie.”
“Dis is very vine,” says Mishder Twine, “vot here you indrotuce:
Mit your bermission I'll grack on mit my shdory of de coose.
Have a pully Wahl-verwandtschaft, or election-sympathie.”
“Dis is very vine,” says Mishder Twine, “vot here you indrotuce:
Mit your bermission I'll grack on mit my shdory of de coose.
137
“A gandertate for sheriff de coose-beholders run
Who shvear de coose de noblest dings vot valk peneat' de sun;
For de cooses safe de Capidol in Rome long dimes ago,
Und Horrisburg need safin' mighty pad, ash all do know.
Who shvear de coose de noblest dings vot valk peneat' de sun;
For de cooses safe de Capidol in Rome long dimes ago,
Und Horrisburg need safin' mighty pad, ash all do know.
“Acainsd dis mighdy Coose-man anoder veller rose,
Who keepedt himself ungommon shtill vhen oders came to plows;
Und if any ask how 'twas he shtoodt, his friendts wouldt vink so loose,
Und vhisper ash dey dapped deir nose: ‘He's soundt oopon de coose!
Who keepedt himself ungommon shtill vhen oders came to plows;
Und if any ask how 'twas he shtoodt, his friendts wouldt vink so loose,
Und vhisper ash dey dapped deir nose: ‘He's soundt oopon de coose!
“‘He's O. K. oopon de soobject:
shoost pet your pile on dat:
On dis bartik'ler quesdion he indends to coot it fat.’
So de veller cot elegded pefore de beople foundt
On vhitch site of der coose it vas he shtick so awful soundt.
On dis bartik'ler quesdion he indends to coot it fat.’
So de veller cot elegded pefore de beople foundt
On vhitch site of der coose it vas he shtick so awful soundt.
“Und efer in America, hencevorwart from dat day,
Ash mit de Native Mericans, de fashion vas to say—
Likes well in de Kansas droples—de shap who tid not refuse
To go mit de beoples ash vanted him, vas soundt oopon der coose.
Ash mit de Native Mericans, de fashion vas to say—
138
To go mit de beoples ash vanted him, vas soundt oopon der coose.
“Dis shdory's all I hafe to dell,” says Mishder Hiram Twine;
“Und I advise Herr Breitmann shoost to vight id on dis line.”
De volk who of dese boledics would oder shapders read,
Moost waiten for de segondt pardt of dis here Breitmann's Lied.
“Und I advise Herr Breitmann shoost to vight id on dis line.”
De volk who of dese boledics would oder shapders read,
Moost waiten for de segondt pardt of dis here Breitmann's Lied.
This refers to the passage of bills in the Legislature of a state by means of bribery. In Pennsylvania, as in many other states, bills which have “nothing in them”—i. e., no money—are rarely allowed to pass.
In a certain edition of the Breitmann Ballads, this phrase is said to have originated in 1845. In 1835, I heard it said that General Jackson in a letter spelt all correct “oll korrekt,” and this I believe to be the real origin of the expression.—
C. G. L.139
II.
4.—HOW BREITMANN AND SMITH WERE REPORTED TO BE LOG-ROLLING.
Id hoppenet in de yar of crace, vhen all dese dings pegan,
Dat Mishder Schmit, de shap who rooned acainsd der Breitemann,
Vas a man who look like Mishder Twine so moosh dat beoples say
Dey pliefe dey moost ge-brudert pe—Gott weiss in vot a vay!
Dat Mishder Schmit, de shap who rooned acainsd der Breitemann,
Vas a man who look like Mishder Twine so moosh dat beoples say
Dey pliefe dey moost ge-brudert pe—Gott weiss in vot a vay!
Und id vas also moosh be-marked—vhitch look shoost like a bruder—
Dat vhen Twine vas vork on any side der Schmit vas on der oder:
A fery gommon dodge ish dis mit de arisdocracie;
So dat votefer cardt doorns op, id's game for de familie!
Dat vhen Twine vas vork on any side der Schmit vas on der oder:
A fery gommon dodge ish dis mit de arisdocracie;
So dat votefer cardt doorns op, id's game for de familie!
Nun, goot! Howefer dis might pe, 'tvas cerdain on dis hit
Der Twine vas do his tyfelest to euchre Mishder Schmit;
Und Schmit, I criefe to say, exglaimed: “Gaul darn me for a fool,
But I'll smash old Dutch to cholera fits and rake the eternal pool!”
Der Twine vas do his tyfelest to euchre Mishder Schmit;
140
But I'll smash old Dutch to cholera fits and rake the eternal pool!”
So dey cot some liddle ledders, ash brifate ash could pe,
Vhitch Breitmann writed long agone to friendts in Germany;
Und dey brinted dem in efery vay to make de beoples laugh,
Und comment on dem in de shtyle dat “sports” call “slasher-gaff.”
Vhitch Breitmann writed long agone to friendts in Germany;
Und dey brinted dem in efery vay to make de beoples laugh,
Und comment on dem in de shtyle dat “sports” call “slasher-gaff.”
Dere-to—as vash known py shoodshment und glearly ascertained,
Dat Breitmann hafe lossed money py a valse und schwindlin' friendt—
So dey roon it droo de newsbapers, und shbeech to make pegan,
Dat Breitmann shtole de gelt himself und rop de oder man.
Dat Breitmann hafe lossed money py a valse und schwindlin' friendt—
So dey roon it droo de newsbapers, und shbeech to make pegan,
Dat Breitmann shtole de gelt himself und rop de oder man.
Boot de ding that jam de hardest on de men dat bull de vires,
Und showed that Copitain Breitmann shtood pedween dwo heafy vires,
Vas, pecause he vas a soldier—von could see id at a clanse—
Dey had pud him in a tisdrigt vhere he hadn't half a shanse.
Und showed that Copitain Breitmann shtood pedween dwo heafy vires,
Vas, pecause he vas a soldier—von could see id at a clanse—
Dey had pud him in a tisdrigt vhere he hadn't half a shanse.
141
For ash de pold solidaten ish more prafe ash oder mans,
Dey moost lead de hope verloren und pattle in de vans;
Und ash defeat ish honoraple to men in honor shtrict,
Dey honor dem py puttin' em vhere dey're cerdain to be licked.
Dey moost lead de hope verloren und pattle in de vans;
Und ash defeat ish honoraple to men in honor shtrict,
Dey honor dem py puttin' em vhere dey're cerdain to be licked.
Boot dis dimes it shlopped over. 'Tvas de dird or secondt heat,
Dat a soldier in dis tisdrigt had been poot oop und beat;
So de Plue Goats dink it over und go quietly to vork:
De bow vhen too moosh aufgespannt vlies packward mit a yerk.
Dat a soldier in dis tisdrigt had been poot oop und beat;
So de Plue Goats dink it over und go quietly to vork:
De bow vhen too moosh aufgespannt vlies packward mit a yerk.
Now Mishder Twine deglaret dat de ding seemed doubtenful,
Boot mitout delay he dook de horns so poldly py de bull,
Und shpread de shdory eferyvhere, dill folk to pliefe pecan,
Dat Mishder Schmit had sold de vight unto der Breitemann!
Boot mitout delay he dook de horns so poldly py de bull,
Und shpread de shdory eferyvhere, dill folk to pliefe pecan,
Dat Mishder Schmit had sold de vight unto der Breitemann!
He fix de liddle tedails—how moosh der Schmit hafe got
For sellin' out his barty to let Breitmann haul de pot;
Und he showed a brifate ledder from Breitemann to Schmit,
Vhere he bromise him for Congress if he shoost let oop a bit.
For sellin' out his barty to let Breitmann haul de pot;
Und he showed a brifate ledder from Breitemann to Schmit,
Vhere he bromise him for Congress if he shoost let oop a bit.
142
Der Twine vas writet dis ledder; for der Copitain Breitemann
Vould nefer hafe shtood soosh hoompoogks since virst his life pegan:
He hat tone some rough dings in de war, in de ploonder-und-morder line,
Boot vas hoockleperry-persimmoned mit dese boledics of Twine.
Vould nefer hafe shtood soosh hoompoogks since virst his life pegan:
He hat tone some rough dings in de war, in de ploonder-und-morder line,
Boot vas hoockleperry-persimmoned mit dese boledics of Twine.
Howefer, dis ledder vorket foorst-rate—mit de Mericans pest of all,
For dey mostly dinked it de naturalest ding as efer couldt pefall;
For to sheat von's own gonstituents ish de pest mofe in de came,
Und dey nefer sooposed a Dootchman hafe de sense to do de same.
For dey mostly dinked it de naturalest ding as efer couldt pefall;
For to sheat von's own gonstituents ish de pest mofe in de came,
Und dey nefer sooposed a Dootchman hafe de sense to do de same.
5.—HOW THEY HELD THE MASS MEETING.
Dere's nodings in dis vorldt so pad, ash all oov us may learn,
Boot may shange from dark to lighthood, if loock should dake a doorn;
So it hoppenet mit Breitmann, who in spite of sin und Schmit,
Gontrifed ad shoost dis yooncture do make a glucky hit.
Boot may shange from dark to lighthood, if loock should dake a doorn;
So it hoppenet mit Breitmann, who in spite of sin und Schmit,
Gontrifed ad shoost dis yooncture do make a glucky hit.
Dey hat sendet out some plackarts to de Deutsche burgers all
(N. B.—Dish ish not mean blackguards, boot de pills dey shtick on de vall),
To say dat a Massenversammlung—or a meeding of all dem asses—
Vouldt be held in de Arbeiter-Halle, to consisd of de Sharman classes.
(N. B.—Dish ish not mean blackguards, boot de pills dey shtick on de vall),
143
Vouldt be held in de Arbeiter-Halle, to consisd of de Sharman classes.
Now dey gife de brinting of de pills to a new gekommene man,
Who dinked dat Demokratisch vas de same ash Repooblican:
Gott im Himmel weiss vhere he'd hid himself on dis free Coloompian shore
Dat he scaped de naturalizationisds, und hadn't found out pefore.
Who dinked dat Demokratisch vas de same ash Repooblican:
Gott im Himmel weiss vhere he'd hid himself on dis free Coloompian shore
Dat he scaped de naturalizationisds, und hadn't found out pefore.
Boot to dis Deutsche brinter, de only tifference he
Petween Repooplicanish and Demokratisch tid see,
Vas dat von vash dwo ledders longer; so he dook shoost vot seem pat
To make de poster handsome—likewise a liddle fat.
Petween Repooplicanish and Demokratisch tid see,
Vas dat von vash dwo ledders longer; so he dook shoost vot seem pat
To make de poster handsome—likewise a liddle fat.
How ofden in dis buzzlin' life shmall grubs grows oop to vings!
How often shoost from moostard seet a virst-glass pusiness shprings!
Van't klein komt men tot't groote, ash de Hollanders hafe said:
Mit dese dwo ledders Breitemann caved in der Schmitsy's head.
How often shoost from moostard seet a virst-glass pusiness shprings!
Van't klein komt men tot't groote, ash de Hollanders hafe said:
Mit dese dwo ledders Breitemann caved in der Schmitsy's head.
144
6.—BREITMANN'S GREAT SPEECH.
Dis tale dat Schmit hafe sell de vight cot so mooch put apout,
Dat many of his beoples vere in fery tupious toubt;
'Pove all, dose who were on de make, and easy change deir lodge,
Und, pein awfool smart demselfs, pelieve in efery dodge.
Dat many of his beoples vere in fery tupious toubt;
'Pove all, dose who were on de make, and easy change deir lodge,
Und, pein awfool smart demselfs, pelieve in efery dodge.
Vhen de meeding vas gesempled, und dey found no Schmit vas dere,
Dey looket at von anoder mit a ganz erstaunished air;
But dey saw it glear as taylighd, und around a vink dere ran,
Vhen pefore dem rose de shiant form of Copitain Breitemann!
Dey looket at von anoder mit a ganz erstaunished air;
But dey saw it glear as taylighd, und around a vink dere ran,
Vhen pefore dem rose de shiant form of Copitain Breitemann!
Denn Breitemann vent los at dem: “He could nichts vell exbress
De rapdure dat besqueezed his hearts—de wonnevel hoppiness—
To meed in friendtlich council and glasp de hand of dose,
Who had peen mit most oonreason und unkindtly galled his foes.
De rapdure dat besqueezed his hearts—de wonnevel hoppiness—
To meed in friendtlich council and glasp de hand of dose,
Who had peen mit most oonreason und unkindtly galled his foes.
“Berhaps o'er all dis shmilin' eart'—he vould say it dere und denn—
Soosh shpecdagles couldt nod pe seen of soosh imbardial men,
So tefoid of base sospicion, so apofe all betty dricks,
Ash to gome und lisden vairly to a voe in poledicks;
Soosh shpecdagles couldt nod pe seen of soosh imbardial men,
145
Ash to gome und lisden vairly to a voe in poledicks;
“Dat ish to say, a so-galled voe—for he feeled id in his soul
Dat de brinciples vitch mofed dem vere de same oopon de whole;
But he lack a vord to exbress dem in manners opportunes”—
Here a veller in de gallery gry oud, oonkindly, “Shpoons!”
Dat de brinciples vitch mofed dem vere de same oopon de whole;
But he lack a vord to exbress dem in manners opportunes”—
Here a veller in de gallery gry oud, oonkindly, “Shpoons!”
Und dere der Breitmann goppled him: “If shpoons our modifes pe,
Dere's nod a man pefore oos who lossed a shpoon by me:
Far rader had I gife you all a shpoons to eaten mit,
Und I hope to ged a ladle for mein friendt, der Mishder Schmit.”
Dere's nod a man pefore oos who lossed a shpoon by me:
Far rader had I gife you all a shpoons to eaten mit,
Und I hope to ged a ladle for mein friendt, der Mishder Schmit.”
Dis fetch das Haus like doonder—it raise der tyfel's dust,
Und for sefen-lefen minudes dey ooplouded on a bust;
Und de chaps dat dinked of hedgin' saw a ring as round as O;
So dey boked each oder in de rips und said, “I dold you so!”
Und for sefen-lefen minudes dey ooplouded on a bust;
Und de chaps dat dinked of hedgin' saw a ring as round as O;
So dey boked each oder in de rips und said, “I dold you so!”
For dis d'lusion to de ladle vas as glear ash city milk,
Und drawd it on de beoples so vine ash flossen silk,
Dat Hans und Schmit vere rollin' locks, und de locks vere ready cut;
Only Breitmann hafe de liddle end, und Schmitsy dake de butt!
Und drawd it on de beoples so vine ash flossen silk,
146
Only Breitmann hafe de liddle end, und Schmitsy dake de butt!
Denn Breitmann he crack onward: “If any 'lightened man
Vill seeken in his Bibel, he'll find dat a publican
Is a barty ash sells lager; und de ding is fery blain,
Dat a re-publican ish von who sells id 'gain und 'gain.
Vill seeken in his Bibel, he'll find dat a publican
Is a barty ash sells lager; und de ding is fery blain,
Dat a re-publican ish von who sells id 'gain und 'gain.
“Now since dat I sells lager, I gant agreën mit
De demprance brinciples I hear dishtriputet to Schmit;
Boot dis I dells you vairly, und no one to teseife—
If I were Schmit, I'd pliefen shoost vot der Schmit peliefe.
De demprance brinciples I hear dishtriputet to Schmit;
Boot dis I dells you vairly, und no one to teseife—
If I were Schmit, I'd pliefen shoost vot der Schmit peliefe.
“And to mine Sharman liperal friendts I might mention in dis shpot,
Dat I hear an oonfoundet rumor dat der Schmit peliefe in Gott;
Und also dat he coes to shoorsh—mit a brayer-book—for salfadion:
I vould not for die welt say dings to hoort his repudadion.
Dat I hear an oonfoundet rumor dat der Schmit peliefe in Gott;
Und also dat he coes to shoorsh—mit a brayer-book—for salfadion:
I vould not for die welt say dings to hoort his repudadion.
“Und noding is more likely dat it all a shlander pe,
So also de rumor dat vhen young he shtoody divinidy:
I myself, ash a publican, moost pe a sinner py fate,
Und in dis sense I denounce mineself ash Republican-didate!
So also de rumor dat vhen young he shtoody divinidy:
I myself, ash a publican, moost pe a sinner py fate,
Und in dis sense I denounce mineself ash Republican-didate!
“Ash Deutschers say—und Yankees doo—vhen der wein ish in der man,
So ish oopon de oder part, de wise-hood in de can,
Vhitch brofes dat wein und wise-hood ish all de same, py shinks!
Und de only real can-didate ish der veller ash coes for trinks:
So ish oopon de oder part, de wise-hood in de can,
147
Und de only real can-didate ish der veller ash coes for trinks:
“Und dat ve may meed in gommon, I deglare here in dis hall—
Und I shvears mineself to holt to it, votefer may pefall—
Dat any man who gifes me his fote—votefer his boledics pe—
Shall alfays pe regartet ash bolidigal friendt py me.”
Und I shvears mineself to holt to it, votefer may pefall—
Dat any man who gifes me his fote—votefer his boledics pe—
Shall alfays pe regartet ash bolidigal friendt py me.”
(Dis voonderfol condescension pring down drementous applause,
Und dose who catch de nodion gife most derriple hooraws;
Eshbecially some Amerigans ash vas shtandin' near de door,
Und who in all deir leben long nefer heard so moosh sense pefore.)
Und dose who catch de nodion gife most derriple hooraws;
Eshbecially some Amerigans ash vas shtandin' near de door,
Und who in all deir leben long nefer heard so moosh sense pefore.)
“Dese ish de brinciples I holts, and dose in vitch I run:
Dey ish fixed firm und immutaple ash de course of de 'ternal sun:
Boot if you ton't approve of dem—blease nodice vot I say—
I shall only pe too happy to alder dem right afay.
Dey ish fixed firm und immutaple ash de course of de 'ternal sun:
Boot if you ton't approve of dem—blease nodice vot I say—
I shall only pe too happy to alder dem right afay.
“Und undo my Demogratic friendts I vould fery glearly shtate—
Since dis useless mit oop-geclearéd minds to hold a long depate—
Dat dere's no man in de cidy who sells besser liquor ash I,
Und I shtand de treadts free-gradis vhenefer mine friendts ish try.
Since dis useless mit oop-geclearéd minds to hold a long depate—
148
Und I shtand de treadts free-gradis vhenefer mine friendts ish try.
“Ad finem—in de ende—I moost mendion do you all,
Dat a dootzen parrels of lager bier ish a-gomin' to dis hall:
Dere ish none of mine own barty here, bot we'll do mitout deir helfs;
Und I kess, on de whole, 'twill pe shoost so goot if ve trink it all ourselfs.”
Dat a dootzen parrels of lager bier ish a-gomin' to dis hall:
Dere ish none of mine own barty here, bot we'll do mitout deir helfs;
Und I kess, on de whole, 'twill pe shoost so goot if ve trink it all ourselfs.”
Soosh drementous up-loudation pefore was nefer seen,
Ash dey svored dat der Copitain Breitmann vas a brickpat, und no sardine;
Und dey trinked demselfs besoffen, sayin', “Hobe you wird sookceed!”—
De nexter theil will pe de ent of dis historisch lied.
Ash dey svored dat der Copitain Breitmann vas a brickpat, und no sardine;
Und dey trinked demselfs besoffen, sayin', “Hobe you wird sookceed!”—
De nexter theil will pe de ent of dis historisch lied.
“No more interlect than a half-grown shad,” is a phrase which occurs, if the author remembers aright, in the Charcoal Sketches, by J. C. Neal. The Western people have carried this idea a step further, and applied it to sardines, as “small fishes,” all of an average size, packed closely together in tin cans and excluded from the light of day. A man who has never travelled, and has during all his life been packed tightly among those who were his equals in ignorance and inexperience, is therefore a “sardine.”
149
III
PARDT DE VIRST.
THE AUTHOR ASSERTS THE VAST INTELLECTUAL SUPERIORITY OF GERMANS TO AMERICANS.
Dere's a liddle fact in hishdory vitch few hafe oondershtand,
Deutschers are, de jure, de owners of dis land,
Und I brides mineself oonshpeak-barly dat I foorst make be-known,
De primordial cause dat Columbus vas derivet from Cologne.
Deutschers are, de jure, de owners of dis land,
Und I brides mineself oonshpeak-barly dat I foorst make be-known,
De primordial cause dat Columbus vas derivet from Cologne.
For ash his name vas Colon, it fisiply does shine,
Dat his Eldern are geboren been in Cologne on der Rhein,
Und Colonia peing a colony, it sehr bemerkbar ist,
Dat Columbus in America was der firster colonist.
Dat his Eldern are geboren been in Cologne on der Rhein,
Und Colonia peing a colony, it sehr bemerkbar ist,
Dat Columbus in America was der firster colonist.
Und ash Columbus ish a tove, id ish wort' de drople to mark,
Dat an bidgeon foorst tiscofer land a-vlyin' from de ark;
Und shtill wider—in de peginnin', mitout de leastest toubt,
A tofe vas vly ofer de wassers und pring de vorldt herout.
Dat an bidgeon foorst tiscofer land a-vlyin' from de ark;
150
A tofe vas vly ofer de wassers und pring de vorldt herout.
Ash mein goot oldt teacher der Kreutzer to me tid ofden shbeak,
De mythus of name rebeats itself—vhitch see in his “Symbolik,”
So also de name America, if we a liddle look,
Vas coom from der oldt king Emerich in de Deutsche Heldenbuch.
De mythus of name rebeats itself—vhitch see in his “Symbolik,”
So also de name America, if we a liddle look,
Vas coom from der oldt king Emerich in de Deutsche Heldenbuch.
Und id vas from dat fery Heldenbuch—how voonderful it ron,
Dat I shdole de Song of Hildebrand, or der Vater und der Sohn,
Und dishtripude it to Breitemann for a reason vhitch now ish plain,
Dat dis Sagen Cyclus full-endet, pring me round to der Hans again.
Dat I shdole de Song of Hildebrand, or der Vater und der Sohn,
Und dishtripude it to Breitemann for a reason vhitch now ish plain,
Dat dis Sagen Cyclus full-endet, pring me round to der Hans again.
Dese laws of un-endly un-windoong ish so teep and broad and tall,
Dat nopody boot a Deutscher hafe a het to versteh dem at all,
Und should I write mine dinks all out, I tont peliefe inteed,
Dat I mineself vould versteh de half of dis here Breitmann's Lied.
Dat nopody boot a Deutscher hafe a het to versteh dem at all,
Und should I write mine dinks all out, I tont peliefe inteed,
Dat I mineself vould versteh de half of dis here Breitmann's Lied.
Ash der Hegel say of his system—dat only von mans knew,
Vot der tyfel id meant—und he couldn't tell—und der Jean Paul Richter, too,
Who saidt: “Gott knows I meant somedings vhen foorst dis buch I writ,
Boot Gott only wise vot das buch means now—for I hafe fergotten it!”
Vot der tyfel id meant—und he couldn't tell—und der Jean Paul Richter, too,
151
Boot Gott only wise vot das buch means now—for I hafe fergotten it!”
Und all of dis be-wises so blain ash de face on your nose,
Dat der Deutscher hafe efen more intellects dan he himself soopose,
Und his tifference mit de over-again vorldt, as I really do soospect,
Ish dat oder volk hafe more soopose—und lesser intellect.
Dat der Deutscher hafe efen more intellects dan he himself soopose,
Und his tifference mit de over-again vorldt, as I really do soospect,
Ish dat oder volk hafe more soopose—und lesser intellect.
Yet oop-righty I confess it—mitout ashkin' vhy or vhence,
Dere ish also dimes vhen Amerigans hafe shown sharp-pointet sense,
Und a fery outsigned exemple of genius in dis line,
Vas dishblayed in dis elegdion py Mishder Hiram Twine.
Dere ish also dimes vhen Amerigans hafe shown sharp-pointet sense,
Und a fery outsigned exemple of genius in dis line,
Vas dishblayed in dis elegdion py Mishder Hiram Twine.
152
PARDT DE SECONDT.
SHOWING HOW MR. HIRAM TWINE “PLAYED OFF” ON SMITH.
Vide licet. Dere vas a fillage whose vote alone vouldt pe
Apout enof to elegdt a man und give a mayority,
So de von who couldt “scoop” dis seddlement vouldt make a lucky hit,
But dough dey vere Deutschers, von und all, dey all go von on Schmit.
Apout enof to elegdt a man und give a mayority,
So de von who couldt “scoop” dis seddlement vouldt make a lucky hit,
But dough dey vere Deutschers, von und all, dey all go von on Schmit.
Now id hoppenet to gome to bass, dat in dis little town,
De Deutsch vas all exshpegdin' dat Mishder Schmit coom down,
His brinciples to foresetzen und his idées to deach—
(Id est, fix oop de brifate pargains)—und telifer a pooplic shbeech.
De Deutsch vas all exshpegdin' dat Mishder Schmit coom down,
His brinciples to foresetzen und his idées to deach—
(Id est, fix oop de brifate pargains)—und telifer a pooplic shbeech.
Now Twine vas a gyrotwistive cuss ash blainly ish peen shown,
Und vas always an out-findin' votefer might pe known,
Und mit some of his circumswindles he fix de matter so,
Dat he'd pe himself at dis meeding, und see how dings vas go.
Und vas always an out-findin' votefer might pe known,
Und mit some of his circumswindles he fix de matter so,
Dat he'd pe himself at dis meeding, und see how dings vas go.
153
Oh shdrangely in dis leben de dings kits vorked apout,
Oh voonderly Fortuna makes doorn us inside out.
Oh sinkular de loock-vheel rolls—dis liddle meeding dere,
Fixt Twine ad perpendiculum:—shoosh suit him to a hair.
Oh voonderly Fortuna makes doorn us inside out.
Oh sinkular de loock-vheel rolls—dis liddle meeding dere,
Fixt Twine ad perpendiculum:—shoosh suit him to a hair.
Now it hopponet on dis efenin', de Deutschers von und all,
Vere erwaitin' mit oonpatience de onfang of de Ball,
Und de shates of nighdt vere fallin' und de shdars pegin to plink,
Und dey vish dat Schmit vouldt hoory, for 'twas dime to dake a trink.
Vere erwaitin' mit oonpatience de onfang of de Ball,
Und de shates of nighdt vere fallin' und de shdars pegin to plink,
Und dey vish dat Schmit vouldt hoory, for 'twas dime to dake a trink.
Dey hear some hoofs a dramplin'—und dey saw und dinked dey know'd,
De bretty greature coomin' on his horse entlang de road,
Und ash he ride town-invard de likeness vas so blain,
Dey donnered out “Hoora for Schmit!” enof to make it rain.
De bretty greature coomin' on his horse entlang de road,
Und ash he ride town-invard de likeness vas so blain,
Dey donnered out “Hoora for Schmit!” enof to make it rain.
Der Twine vas shdart like plazes—boot oop shdardet too his vit,
Und he dinks, “Great turnips!—vhot if I couldt bass for Colonel Schmit!
Gaul darn my heels I'll do it—and go the total swine,
Oh soap balls!—what a chance!” said dis dissembulatin' Twine.
Und he dinks, “Great turnips!—vhot if I couldt bass for Colonel Schmit!
Gaul darn my heels I'll do it—and go the total swine,
Oh soap balls!—what a chance!” said dis dissembulatin' Twine.
154
Denn 'twas “Willkomm! willkomm! Mishder Schmit!” rings aroom on efery site,
Und “First-rate—how dy do, yourself?” der Hiram Twine replied,
Dey ashk him “Coom und dake a trink”—boot dey find id mighdy gueer,
Vhen Twine informed em none boot hogs vould trink dat shtinkin' bier.
Und “First-rate—how dy do, yourself?” der Hiram Twine replied,
Dey ashk him “Coom und dake a trink”—boot dey find id mighdy gueer,
Vhen Twine informed em none boot hogs vould trink dat shtinkin' bier.
Dat lager vas nodings boot boison, und as for Sharman wein,
He dinks it vas erfounden exbressly for Sharman schwein,
Dat he himself was a demperanceler, dat he gloria in de name,
Und adfised dem all for tecence's sake to go und do de same.
He dinks it vas erfounden exbressly for Sharman schwein,
Dat he himself was a demperanceler, dat he gloria in de name,
Und adfised dem all for tecence's sake to go und do de same.
Dese bemarks, among de Deutschers, vere apout as vell receife,
Ash cats in a game of den-pins—ash you may of coorse peliefe,
De heats of de recebtion vent down a dootzen degrees,
Und in blace of hurraws was only heardt de roostlin' of de drees.
Ash cats in a game of den-pins—ash you may of coorse peliefe,
De heats of de recebtion vent down a dootzen degrees,
Und in blace of hurraws was only heardt de roostlin' of de drees.
Und so in solemn stille dey scorched him to de hall,
Vhere he maket de crate oradion vhitch vas so moosh to blease dem all,
Und dis vay he pegin it: “Perfore I furder go,
I vish dat my obinions, you puddin-het Dutch, shouldt know.
Vhere he maket de crate oradion vhitch vas so moosh to blease dem all,
Und dis vay he pegin it: “Perfore I furder go,
I vish dat my obinions, you puddin-het Dutch, shouldt know.
155
“Und eher I norate furder, I dink it only fair,
Ve shouldt oonderstand each oder, prezackly, chunk and square;
Dere are points on vitch ve tisagree, und I vill plank de facts—
I tont go round slanganderin' my friendts pehind deir packs.
Ve shouldt oonderstand each oder, prezackly, chunk and square;
Dere are points on vitch ve tisagree, und I vill plank de facts—
I tont go round slanganderin' my friendts pehind deir packs.
“So I beg you dake it easy, if on de raw I touch,
Vhen I say I can't apide de sound of your groonting shishing Dootch,
Should I in de Legisladure as your slumgullion stand,
I'll have a bill forbidding Dutch, droo all dis 'versal land.
Vhen I say I can't apide de sound of your groonting shishing Dootch,
Should I in de Legisladure as your slumgullion stand,
I'll have a bill forbidding Dutch, droo all dis 'versal land.
“Should a husband talk it to his frau, to deat' he should pe led,
If a mutter breat' it to her shild, I'd bunch her in de head;
Und I'm sure dat none vill atvocate id's use in pooplic schools,
Oonless dey're peastly, nashdy, prutal, saur-kraut eadin' fools.”
If a mutter breat' it to her shild, I'd bunch her in de head;
Und I'm sure dat none vill atvocate id's use in pooplic schools,
Oonless dey're peastly, nashdy, prutal, saur-kraut eadin' fools.”
Here Mishder Twine, to gadder breat', shoost make a liddle pause,
Und see sechs hundert gapin' eyes—sechs hundert shdarin' chaws!
Dey shtanden erstarrt like frozen—von faindly dried to hiss:—
nd von saidt: “Ish id shleeps I'm treamin'—Gottstausend!—vhot ish dis?”
Und see sechs hundert gapin' eyes—sechs hundert shdarin' chaws!
Dey shtanden erstarrt like frozen—von faindly dried to hiss:—
nd von saidt: “Ish id shleeps I'm treamin'—Gottstausend!—vhot ish dis?”
156
Twine keptet von eye on de vindow,—boot boldly vent ahet,
“Of your oder shtinkin' hobits no vordt needt here pe set;
Shdop goozlin' bier—shdop shmokin' bipes—shdop rootin' in de mire,
Und shoost un-Dutchify yourselfs!—dat's all dat I require.”
“Of your oder shtinkin' hobits no vordt needt here pe set;
Shdop goozlin' bier—shdop shmokin' bipes—shdop rootin' in de mire,
Und shoost un-Dutchify yourselfs!—dat's all dat I require.”
Und denn dere coomed a shindy ash if de shky hat trop:
“Trow him mit ecks, py doonder!—go—shlog him on de kop!
Hei! shoot him mit a powie-knifes!—go for him, ganz and gar!
Shoost tar him mit some fedders!—led's fedder him mit tar!”
“Trow him mit ecks, py doonder!—go—shlog him on de kop!
Hei! shoot him mit a powie-knifes!—go for him, ganz and gar!
Shoost tar him mit some fedders!—led's fedder him mit tar!”
Sooch a teufel's row of furie vas nefer oopkicket pefore,—
Some roosh to on-climb de blatform,—some hoory to festen de toor,—
Von veller vired his refolfer—boot de pullet missed her mark,
She coot de cort of de shandelier—it vell—und de hall vas tark!
Some roosh to on-climb de blatform,—some hoory to festen de toor,—
Von veller vired his refolfer—boot de pullet missed her mark,
She coot de cort of de shandelier—it vell—und de hall vas tark!
Oh vell vas it for Hiram Twine dat nimply he couldt shoomp!
Und vell dat he light on a mist-hauf und nefer feel de boomp!
Und vell for him dat his coot cray horse shtood sottelet shoost oudside!
Und vell dat in an augenblick he vas off on a teufel's ride!
Und vell dat he light on a mist-hauf und nefer feel de boomp!
Und vell for him dat his coot cray horse shtood sottelet shoost oudside!
Und vell dat in an augenblick he vas off on a teufel's ride!
157
Bang! bang! de sharp pistolen shots vent pipin' py his ear,
Boot he tortled oop de barrick road like any moundain deer,
Dey trowed der Hiram Twine mit shteins—boot dey only could be-mark
Von climpse of his vhite ober-coat—und a clotterin' droo de dark.
Boot he tortled oop de barrick road like any moundain deer,
Dey trowed der Hiram Twine mit shteins—boot dey only could be-mark
Von climpse of his vhite ober-coat—und a clotterin' droo de dark.
So dey gesempeled togeder, ein ander to sprechen mit,
Und allow dat soosh a Rede dey nefer exshpegt from Schmit!
Dat he vas a foorst-glass plackguard, und so pig a lump ash ran,
So—nemine contradicente—dey vented for Breitemann.
Und allow dat soosh a Rede dey nefer exshpegt from Schmit!
Dat he vas a foorst-glass plackguard, und so pig a lump ash ran,
So—nemine contradicente—dey vented for Breitemann.
Und 'twas annerthalb yar dere after before der Schmit vas know,
Vhat maket dis rural fillage go pack oopon him so,
Und he schwored at de Dutch more schlimmer ash Hiram Twine had done,—
Nota bene: he tid it in earnest, while der Hiram's vas pusiness-fun.
Vhat maket dis rural fillage go pack oopon him so,
Und he schwored at de Dutch more schlimmer ash Hiram Twine had done,—
Nota bene: he tid it in earnest, while der Hiram's vas pusiness-fun.
Boot vhen Breitmann heardt de shtory how de fillage hat peen dricked,
He schwore bei Leib und Leben, dat he'd rader hafe peen licked,
Dan be helpet droo sooch slumgoozlin',—und 'twas petter to pe a schwein,
Dan a schvindlin', honeyfooglin' shnake, like dat lyin' Yankee Twine.
He schwore bei Leib und Leben, dat he'd rader hafe peen licked,
Dan be helpet droo sooch slumgoozlin',—und 'twas petter to pe a schwein,
Dan a schvindlin', honeyfooglin' shnake, like dat lyin' Yankee Twine.
158
Und pegot so heavy disgootet mit de boledics of dis land,
Dat his friendts could barely keep him from trowin' oop his hand,
Vhen he held straight-flush mit an ace in his poot—vitch phrase ish all de same,
In de science of pokerology, ash if he got de game.
Dat his friendts could barely keep him from trowin' oop his hand,
Vhen he held straight-flush mit an ace in his poot—vitch phrase ish all de same,
In de science of pokerology, ash if he got de game.
So Breitmann cot elegdet, py vollowin' de vay,
Ve manage our elegdions oonto dis fery day.
Dis shows de Deutsch Dummehrlichkeit—also de Yankee “wit:”—
Das ist das abenteuer how Breitmann lick der Schmit.
Ve manage our elegdions oonto dis fery day.
Dis shows de Deutsch Dummehrlichkeit—also de Yankee “wit:”—
Das ist das abenteuer how Breitmann lick der Schmit.
| The Breitmann Ballads | |