 | The poetical works of John Godfrey Saxe |  |
A CASE OF CONSCIENCE.
Two College Professors,—I won't give their names
(Call one of them Jacob, the other one James),—
Two College Professors, who ne'er in their lives
Had wandered before from the care of their wives,
One day in vacation, when lectures were through,
And teachers and students had nothing to do,
Took it into their noddles to go to the Races,
To look at the nags, and examine their paces,
And find out the meaning of “bolting” and “baiting,”
And the (clearly preposterous) practice of “waiting,”
And “laying long odds,” and the other queer capers
Which cram the reports that appear in the papers;
And whether a “stake” is the same as a post?
And how far a “heat” may resemble a roast?
And whether a “hedge,” in the language of sport,
Is much like the plain agricultural sort?
And if “making a book” is a thing which requires
A practical printer? and who are the buyers?—
Such matters as these,—very proper to know,—
And no thought of betting, induced them to go
To the Annual Races, which then were in force
(Horse-racing, in fact, is a matter of course,
Apart from the pun) in a neighboring town;
And so, as I said, the Professors went down.
The day was the finest that ever was known;
The atmosphere just of that temperate tone
Which pleases the Spirit of (man and) the Times,
But impossible, quite, to describe in my rhymes.
The track had been put in a capital plight
By a smart dash of rain on the previous night,
And all things “went off”—save some of the horses—
As lively as crickets or Kansas divorces!
(Call one of them Jacob, the other one James),—
Two College Professors, who ne'er in their lives
Had wandered before from the care of their wives,
One day in vacation, when lectures were through,
And teachers and students had nothing to do,
Took it into their noddles to go to the Races,
To look at the nags, and examine their paces,
And find out the meaning of “bolting” and “baiting,”
And the (clearly preposterous) practice of “waiting,”
And “laying long odds,” and the other queer capers
Which cram the reports that appear in the papers;
And whether a “stake” is the same as a post?
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And whether a “hedge,” in the language of sport,
Is much like the plain agricultural sort?
And if “making a book” is a thing which requires
A practical printer? and who are the buyers?—
Such matters as these,—very proper to know,—
And no thought of betting, induced them to go
To the Annual Races, which then were in force
(Horse-racing, in fact, is a matter of course,
Apart from the pun) in a neighboring town;
And so, as I said, the Professors went down.
The day was the finest that ever was known;
The atmosphere just of that temperate tone
Which pleases the Spirit of (man and) the Times,
But impossible, quite, to describe in my rhymes.
The track had been put in a capital plight
By a smart dash of rain on the previous night,
And all things “went off”—save some of the horses—
As lively as crickets or Kansas divorces!
Arrived at the ground, it is easy to guess
Our worthy Professors' dismay and distress
At all the queer things which expanded their eyes
(Not to mention their ears) to a wonderful size!
How they stared at the men who were playing at poker,
And scolded the chap with the “sly little joker”;
And the boy who had “something uncommonly nice,”
Which he offered to sell at a very high price,—
A volume that did n't seem over-refined,
And clearly was not of the Sunday-school kind.
All this, and much more,—but your patience will fail,
Unless I desist, and go on with my tale.
Our worthy Professors' dismay and distress
At all the queer things which expanded their eyes
(Not to mention their ears) to a wonderful size!
How they stared at the men who were playing at poker,
And scolded the chap with the “sly little joker”;
And the boy who had “something uncommonly nice,”
Which he offered to sell at a very high price,—
A volume that did n't seem over-refined,
And clearly was not of the Sunday-school kind.
All this, and much more,—but your patience will fail,
Unless I desist, and go on with my tale.
Our worthy Professors no sooner had found
Their (ten-shilling) seats in the circular ground,
And looked at the horses,—when, presently came
A wish to know what was the Favorite's name;
And how stood the betting,—quite plainly revealing
The old irrepressible horse-race-y feeling
Which is born in the bone, and is apt to come out
When thorough-bred coursers are snorting about.
Their (ten-shilling) seats in the circular ground,
And looked at the horses,—when, presently came
A wish to know what was the Favorite's name;
And how stood the betting,—quite plainly revealing
The old irrepressible horse-race-y feeling
Which is born in the bone, and is apt to come out
When thorough-bred coursers are snorting about.
The Professors, in fact,—I am grieved to report,—
At the very first match entered into the sport,
And bet (with each other) their money away—
Just Fifty apiece—on the Brown and the Bay;
And shouted as loud as they ever could bellow,
“Hurrah for the filly!” and “Go it, old fellow!”
And, “Stick to your business!” and “Rattle your pegs!”—
Like a jolly old brace of professional “Legs!”
At the very first match entered into the sport,
And bet (with each other) their money away—
Just Fifty apiece—on the Brown and the Bay;
And shouted as loud as they ever could bellow,
“Hurrah for the filly!” and “Go it, old fellow!”
And, “Stick to your business!” and “Rattle your pegs!”—
Like a jolly old brace of professional “Legs!”
The race being over, quoth Jacob, “I see
My wager is forfeit; to that I agree
The Fifty is yours, by the technical rules
Observed, I am told, by these horse-racing fools;
But then, as a Christian,—I'm sorry to say it,—
My Conscience, you know, won't allow me to pay it!”
My wager is forfeit; to that I agree
The Fifty is yours, by the technical rules
Observed, I am told, by these horse-racing fools;
But then, as a Christian,—I'm sorry to say it,—
My Conscience, you know, won't allow me to pay it!”
“No matter,” quoth James, “I can hardly refuse
To accord with your sound theological views:
A tardy repentance is better than none;
I must tell you, however, 't was your horse that won!
But of course you won't think of demanding the pelf,
For I have a conscience as well as yourself!”
To accord with your sound theological views:
A tardy repentance is better than none;
I must tell you, however, 't was your horse that won!
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For I have a conscience as well as yourself!”
| The poetical works of John Godfrey Saxe | |