Quips and quiddits : Ques for the Qurious

If I were dead
And yet had read
The praise you have applied,
Methinks I'd be
More speedily
A body mortified.
And would that now
I might avow
A spirit quite becalmed;
But, truth to tell,
I seem to smell
The thing you have embalmed.

TO MR. ANDREW LANG, WHO SPELLED MY NAME ‘TAB’

O why should Old Lang Sign
A compliment to me
(If it indeed is mine),
And filch my final b?
To him, as to the Dane
In his soliloquy,
This question comes again,—
“2 b or not 2 b?”

CATNIP

The Critic did not like the food,
But found it stale and flabby;
Yet strange to say, no other chewed
So hard the hapless Tabby.

It had a poet of its own,
But undertook to gild her—
A thing, as well they might have known,
That ultimately killed her.

And such had been poor Tabby's fate
But that some power divine
Let it by underestimate
To take one life for nine.

AN OBJECTOR

“Some folk,” the Monkey says, “there be
That claim descent from mine and me;
But I respectfully decline
Such compliments to me and mine.”

IN CHICAGO

Of forthcoming weather no prophet have they,
For the ground hog is there to be seen every day.

INGERSOLL'S DILEMMA

Says Bob to the Devil, “I do not believe
In the doctrine of hell—nor in you!”
Says the Devil to Bob, “You must, or be damned!”
Says Bob, “I'll be damned if I do!”

QUEEN BESS

Or praise or obloquy is hers,
As history has viewed her
To some a 1-der she appears,
To others but a 2-dor.

A DISCONCERTED CONCERT

Bull father frog
Was on the log,
While many a little fellow
Around the pool
Upon his stool
Sat learning how to bellow.

A turtle near,
Whom all did fear,—
An enemy to noises—
His head upsent,
And down they went
To drown, alas, their voices.

WOOL-GATHERING

O briar-bush! how beautiful!
May I a little blossom pull
For memory to keep?
“To take it, sir,” she said, “you're free;
But know it didn't bloom on me,—
I got it from a sheep.”

THE SECRET

To a Dimple said a Frown,
“I would give you half a crown,
To teach me how a compliment to win.”

To the Frown replied the Dimple,
“Why the trick is very simple:—
Dance on tiptoe all around the mouth and chin.”

AN IMPROVEMENT

The knights of old,
As we are told,
Each bore a weight of mail.
But they were slow;
And letters go
Much faster now by rail.

CORN-COB

You look, like Grandpa, very old;
And that is why, no doubt,
Your skin is shrivelled by the cold,
And all your teeth are out.

THE YARDSTICK

The laziest of all things strong,
The Yardstick seems to me,
For, with three feet, twelve inches long,
No step alone takes he.

THE SNORER

Along her slumber-shodden way
The Nightmare goes cavorting;
The rider sleeping, strange to say,
In spite of all her snorting.
He should, I think, for others' sake,
Prevent her, if he's able,
From keeping all the world awake,
Or put her in the stable.

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

A pious prelate used to ride
A donkey which, alas,—
His patience being often tried—
He called Eu-damid-as:—
A name he emphasized or not,
As grew his temper cool or hot.

A PERPLEXITY

In a piece of woollen cloth,
Lived a maid and mother moth,
But to both it was a bother,
Which was moth and which was mother.

TROUBLED WATERS

O water, when I put you here,
You were as smooth as oil;
Why are you now so ruffled, dear?
“I'm troubled with a boil.”

A QUESTION OF TIME

When Time was young, he must have had
A lovely suit of hair,
And it is very, very sad
To see his skull so bare.
But since he's able still to mow,
And strong enough to dig,
I wonder why he doesn't go
And get himself a wig.

AN INCUBUS

Sobbed the Blotter to the Ink,
“Though your every word I drink,
Your broken lines alone are my reward.”
“The truth,” said he, “you've spoken;
And no wonder they are broken
When you press me so incessantly and hard.”

THE TUMBLE-BUG

In Egypt of old
You were sacred, I'm told;
How fell you in man's estimation?
“Each dog has his day,
And each Bug, I dare say,
Takes his turn with the rest of creation.”

AN AVERSION

The apple-tree
Is not to me
A thing of special joy:
It did deceive my mother Eve,
And often pain her boy.
And as to her,
I must aver
I've had a mind to chide her
When, racked with pain,
I've wished in vain
My apples were in cider.

A MIXED MARRIAGE

Said Tom to Pussie, “Out of nine,
Eight lives I'd give to make you mine.”
“Alas,” said Pussie with a tear,
“I'd not so long outlive you, dear!”
Whereat, with plighting paw and purr,
Nine lives to nine united were.

THE MAN IN THE MOON

The Night is gloomy and forlorn
Until her baby Moon is born,
But long he does not stay;
For, though he's very pale and slim,
A fortnight makes a man of him,
And then he goes away.

IN THE AUTHOR'S LIBRARY

To see, when he is dead,
The many books he read;
And then again to note
The many books he wrote—
How some got in and some got out,
'Tis very strange to think about.

POLITENESS

The Turtle met the Terrapin,
And, as they were the closest kin,
Each asked the other with a grin,
To take his top off and come in.

A MOUTHPIECE

Why is the baby crying?
You must have scared or hit him.
“No, grandpa, I was trying
If your false teeth would fit him.”

OBSCURITY

To his father said a bunny,
“Don't you find it rather funny
That we know so very little of our race?”
“What's behind is a tradition,”
Said the sire, “that tail-omission
Makes it utterly impossible to trace.”

PINCHBECK

To jewels her taste did incline;
But she had not a trinket to wear
Till she slept after taking quinine,
And awoke with a ring in each ear.

A SAINT'S INFIRMITY

Your father's deafness—was it cured
When he Saint Anthony implored?
“No,” said the child, “'twas not to be:
Saint Anthony was as deaf as he.”

A MISTAKE

How have you the heart, O Bumble Bee,
To sting a little boy like me?
“'Tis not the heart, my little friend,
I'm using; but the other end.”

FASCINATION

Among your many playmates here,
Why is it that you all prefer
Your little friend, my dear?

“Because, Mamma, tho' hard we try,
Not one of us can spit so high,
And catch it in his ear.”

UNSTATIONARY STATIONERY

The Wax waxed hotter and hotter
Till the Seal took his seat on her back,
And the Pen wiped his foot on the Blotter,
And laughed at them both from the Rack.

A RASH JUDGMENT

He sat beside the well,
And leaning o'er the brink,
Down to the bottom fell
And died, they thought, of drink.

But when they raised the trunk
To dry it on the grass,
They found the water drunk,
But he quite sober was.

IN ACCORD

The Mocking-bird gulps down the worm
And straight begins to sing.
I wonder that he doesn't squirm
To swallow such a thing—
A sort of fiddle-string, no doubt,
That helps to bring the music out.

FACIAL LATITUDE

How far the lip below the nose,
'Tis very hard to say;
But every indication shows
It is miles, it's miles away.

A FOOT-RULE

Biped, or Quadruped,
Two feet or four:
That's the standing rule of feet
All the world o'er.

Two feet, or four feet,
Never one or three.
“Nay,” said the Yard-stick,
“Don't forget me!”

“Ho!” cried another voice,
A one-foot thing,
“I'm the Rule of Measurement;
‘Every inch a King.’”

A MARK OF TRUE GREATNESS

He used to sit beneath this tree,
And sometimes on the limb,
Where the impression that you see
Shows just the size of him.

FROM ABROAD

He wrote that through Finland,
While journeying inland,
The Fins, but no fishes he found.
But in Lapland, he said,
He was seldom misled
For lapfuls of babies abound.

THE TOAD

At twilight from his dark abode
Leaps forth the wart-besprinkled Toad:
He does not like the day;
Nor would we, either, if like him,
We were repulsive, moist and grim,
Be fond of self-display.

A DIVERSION

“How doth the little busy bee
Improve each shining hour?” Alas!
I hope not as it came to pass
When, of the hour forgetful, he
Was busily “improving” me.

THE HERMIT

“Come,” throbbed the Thumb
To the other four Fingers,
“In a glove let us shove
While the icicle lingers;

“Tho' the weather together
Keeps each near his own,
In a small private stall
I must winter alone.”

A DEPRIVATION

Can you, sweet roses, ever take
A breath of other roses?
“Alas, your nosegay we can make,
But none of us have noses.”

A HOUSE OF REFUGE

All down into their mother's throat
The little sharks from danger float;
And there it is that they remain
Dry-sheltered when it comes to rain;
For by sea-doctors they are told
Fresh water's apt to give them cold.

UNDERSIZE

The flea a dog may bite
And not again be bitten:
The bee a bull may smite,
And yet escape unsmitten.
For stronger foes are put to flight
By enemies too small to fight.

A FOOT-NOTE

From Bunyan Pilgrim's Progress came
As essence from an onion;
And, by reversion of the same,
From pilgrim's progress,—bunion.

THE PRODIGAL

Hissed the father, “Let him go!
Though I very well do know
That a gosling from the ganderdom let loose,
Will, within another year,
Make it manifestly clear
That he has but grown to be a greater goose.”

VALUATION

“Pray tell me how you estimate
The wolf,” I asked a lamb.
“My own opinion, sir, to state,
He is not worth a dam.”

TO MY SHADOW

You skulked behind me like a hound,
And now you run before.
“But, master, if you turn around,
I'll get behind once more.”

A MUSICIAN'S TRIAL

They brought him up before the Judge.
“What is the fellow's crime?”
“Your Honor, he has murdered Scores,
And boasts of beating Time.”

TREASURE-TROVES

“What are you doing, Butterfly?”
Inquired the Honey Bee.
“You seem as fond of flowers as I,
And yet I do not see
What benefit you gain thereby.”
“Ah, gentle Sir,” said she,
“Be yours the profit they supply,
And mine the poetry.”

A CHANGE OF PARTS

When Barrel-organs with us stayed,
The Monkey danced, the Master played;
But comes the Pianola,
And now the Monkey has a chance
To play, and make the Master dance,
From Bath to Pensacola.

THE SANDPIPER

Of birds he is the most polite;
For, be it foe or friend,
To every one that comes in sight
He bows at either end.

HEAD-STRONG

Said the Goat to the Ram,
“Ring-leader I am
Of this flock in whose pasture we run.”
Said the Ram with a strut,
“We may prove it so—but—
But—two heads are better than one.”

THE MOUSE AND THE ELEPHANT

“I tell you, if you don't obey,
I'll run right up your snout.”
“Well, I will do whate'er you say—
But, man alive! keep out.”

HIGH-BORN

So far her head above her feet
That when the lady takes a seat
The interval 'twixt hip and knee
The length of Lapland seems to be.

ACCOMMODATING

“Spare, O spare me!” cried the Snail,
As the Sparrow pounced upon it.
Then the other shook his tail—
“Sparrowed, would you? Well, I've done it!”

A DISAGREEMENT

“You give me no rest,” growled the Patient.
“I cannot,” retorted the Pill.
“In your stomach to be
Is so dreadful to me
That I can't for a moment keep still.”

A COMPENSATION

A squirrel, while he sprang from tree to tree,
Cried to a skunk below, “Pray, look at me:
There's no such grace nor such agility
As mine, I tell you!”
“Nay, friend,” the simple creature made reply,
“Thy gifts, forsooth, no mortal may deny;
But pray remember 'tis my boast that I
By far outsmell you.”

THE BROOK TO THE LAMB

Leap across me, little lamb;
But I can't invite your dam,
Or it would at once, you know, prevent my flowing.
“O how different are we!”
Said the lamb, “for, as you see,
My dam it is alone that keeps me going.”

JUST THE REVERSE

“You go to bed at twelve or one,
And thus destroy your health, my son.”
“No, sir,” the boy said drowsily,
“It's getting up that's killing me.”

EXIT

Said a corpulent Bubble,
“It is my great trouble,
This shortness of breath to prevent;
But folks over-stout
Are advised to go out,
So out shall I go,”—and she went.

SPRING CHIMNEYS

To throats so long in misery
Of thirst and parching pain,
How welcome must each swallow be
That now they take again!

THE DIFFERENCE

Unc' si, de Holy Bible say
In speakin' of de jus',
Dat he do fall seben times a day;
Now how's de sinner wuss?

“Well, chile, de slip may come to all,
But den de difference foller;
For, ef you watch him when he fall,
De jus' man do not waller.”

A STING

“Men speak,” said the Wasp, “of the provident Ant,
Because of her miserly taste;
But greatly I wonder why see it they can't,
That we have as little to waist.”

A WISH

At night, I'd like to be a bird,
In every sort of weather
To go to bed and rise again
And never change a feather;
But in the morning, I'd prefer
The life I now enjoy;
For what would satisfy a bird
Would never fill a boy.

A BACHELOR HEN

Upon the nest she was a hen,
But higher aims induced her
To get upon the roost; and then
She found herself a rooster.

IRONY

“It is one of Nature's wrongs,”
Sneered the Shovel to the Tongs,
“To have led your legs so very far astray.”
“Ah, she made us both in haste,”
Observed the Tongs, “and from your waist,
She has nicked your neck as far the other way.”
What the Poker as a joker thought,
He didn't dare to say.

A FAMILY FAILING

Sneezed the Pepper, “Sister Salt
Bids me say 'tis not her fault
That she's out of place to-day;
Turning, just below the Caster,
She upset, and the disaster
Holds her back in Mustard-plaster
That she cannot scrape away.”
“That trick of turning round she got,”
Said Vinegar, “from Mrs. Lot.”

CHERRIES

O share with us, bird in the tree,
The fruit you are taking alone!
“You're welcome to half,”
He chirped with a laugh,—
And thereupon threw me a stone.

WITH CHOLERA MORBUS

I am so sick I'd like to be
A clock, to have them open me
And regulate the jerks,
When on the pendulum a Pain
Is riding forth and back again,
And pulling at my works.

DREAD OF JUSTICE

Sighed Dumpling, “Do not put me, please,
With Cabbage in the pot.
I don't object to boil with Peas;
But she, when she is hot,
Has such a smell that half you see,
Would certainly be laid on me.”

A CATTLE PLAGUE

“What ails you?” tenderly I spoke
To a dejected calf.
He answered, “At a killing joke
I'm dying, sir, to laugh.
They little know, who lightly jest,
The agony of fun suppressed.”

A FLEDGLING

“Why is it, little chick,” I said
“That you so ragged go?”
“Alas,” he answered, “father's dead
And mother cannot sew.

“She does her very best to lay,
Till I have learned to crow;
But bread is rising every day,
And eggs, alas, are low.”

MR. DOOLITTLE'S EPITAPH

Do little he did, and so true to the call
Was his life, that at last he did nothing at all.

TAMING THE SHREW

“Turn round,” puffed the Wind to the Mill.
“I won't!” she replied; and stood still.
But he struck her a blow
That compelled her to go,
And since then she submits to his will.

THE SIGNAL

“Where are you going, Sleep?” I said.
“To put a little boy to bed.
I told him when he needed me,
To nod; and nodding now is he.”

A DEDUCTION

“I can't, for my life,”
Quacked the Drake to his wife,
“Tell which of our children are males.”
Said the Duck with a smile,
“We must wait for a while
And observe which have curls in their tails.”

HEART-BROKEN

The Limbs beneath a cruel strain
Were sobbing, “Heaven defend us!”
Then, snapping suddenly in twain,
They cried aloud, “Tree-mend-us!”

A BLIND MAN'S EPITAPH.

His eyes were dim; so here he lies,
Whose death came after his dim-ise.

EMETICS

With all the battles that he won
That brought him world-renown,
Imperious Napoleon
Could never keep us down.

TO A PROPOSED INTERVIEWER

An interview would be to me
A sort of an emetic,
Or an appendix to be cut
Without the anæsthetic;

And why expose to public view
A man's intestine features?
'Tis outwardly alone we look
Unlike our fellow-creatures.

FOREDOOMED

Of reprobates the beaver seems
The saddest in creation,
His every instinct kindling dreams
To work for his dam-nation.

JUDICIOUS

“I cannot kiss you, Ike,” she said.
“Why not?” he asked. Then hesitating,
“Because,” she whispered, “I've the pledge—
And juleps are intoxicating.”

INFATUATION

Each day at a dinner of State,
His neighbors observed what he ate
Was sufficient for three
Less determined than he
To be reckoned a person of weight.

NO STICKLERS

Toothpicks!—were ever sticks
Less “stuck up” in their way!
With upper teeth and those beneath
On equal terms are they.

A TALE OF REVERSE, or THE REVERSE OF A TAIL

The dog that caught the mink
Was strolling down the street,
When, quicker than a wink,
He chanced a maid to meet,
Inhabiting the skin
That once his victim wore;
But, lo, beneath her chin
The tail was now before!
“Alas,” he sighed, “'tis passing strange
How fashion with our fortunes change!”

SYMPATHY

Why are you weeping, little lad?
“Because (Boo-hoo!), it makes me sad
To see my thumbs (Boo-hoo!) so far
From where the other fingers are,—
Boo-hoo! Boo-hoo!”

THE SENSITIVE LOBSTER

He floundered from the breakers cool
Into a boiling pot,
Where, thinking some egregious fool
Had made the water hot,—
Ashamed of such stupidity,
He blushed as red as red could be.

THE ROOT OF PRIDE

Of great-great-grandpapa, I know,
My parents speak with pride;
But what he did to make him so
I never can decide.
Perhaps, as sweet potatoes do,
'Twas under ground so great he grew.

GOOD ADVICE

The Keyhole quarrelled with the Key
Because he said agape was she
To whispering suggestion;
Then, each appealing to the Door,
He counselled them to fight no more
About an open question.

THE RUN-A-WAY

Where are you going, little Rill?
“Alas, I cannot say!
I leaped the fountain on the hill,
And ventured forth to play;
And now it seems, against my will,
I am a run-a-way.”

EXTREMES MEET

The giant and the baby
Present a striking pair;
Whatever else the difference,
Long clothes alike they wear;
While Life, diverted, must admit,
They show the long and short of it.

CLOSE AS WAX

The miser met the Bumble Bee
And asked a drop of honey.
“My honey-bag's as tight,” said she,
“As are your bags of money.”

A PARADOX

I wish the weather-cock would crow
To let his fellow chickens know
That weather fair's for maids and men,
Fowl weather is for cock and hen.

A(N)ICE DISTINCTION

'Tis hard for some skaters to stand; but for all,
Though it's easy to slip, it is harder to fall.

THE BLUEBIRD TO THE CANARY

As you're a yellow little fellow,
I hope you do not mean
To come too near; for blending, dear,
Would turn our feathers green.

COMPENSATION

She says of life's remaining joy,
To her I am the anchor:
'Tis meet; for when I was a boy,
To me she was the spanker.

A THREAT

“No; Wide-a-Wake,” persisted Sleep,
“I'll not come near you till you keep
As quiet as a mouse;
And if you stretch your eyelids so,
To see if I am here or no,
I'll have to quit the house.”

A TRAGEDY

His padding was of sawdust,
The little Soldier-man
Who loved a light-haired lady Doll—
A maiden stuffed with bran.

Their little hostess never knew
That they had each a heart,
But lodged them in the baby-house
In corners far apart;

Till once, in curiosity,
She pierced the Soldier-man,
Ripped up the maiden Doll, and mixed
The sawdust with the bran.

A RETORT

The Finger complained of the Toe,
And said it was idle and slow;
But it answered in scorn,
“On each foot I grow corn;
What on hand are you able to show?”

AN EXCUSE

Upon my soul,
O wicked mole,
I'll punish thy misdoing!
“O pardon me!—
I could not see
The course I was pursuing.”

SAUSAGE

We are ground, but no more grounded
In our family affairs:
What is found, is so confounded
That no Sausage longer cares
To determine how or what he
Owes the family of Pork,
In the pens of Cincinnati,
Of Chicago, or New York.

IN AMBUSH

“'Tis well,” the Goat, flea-bitten said,
“You hide where Nature put you:
For if you dared to show your head,
By Gemini, I'd butt you!”

University of Virginia Library

[_] Mr. John Lane, of London, publishes, along with my Poems, the Poems of Lord de Tabley; hence A COINCIDENCE

ON THE COVER OF JOHN B. TABB'S LATE LONDON VOLUME

A STRONG DOSE

TO AN ANTE-MORTEM UNDERTAKER WHO EMBALMS ME IN VERSE