 | Original poems |  |
172
THE CARRIER OF THE COMMERCIAL ADVERTISER, TO HIS PATRONS.
THAT unaccommodating churl,
Who keeps things ever on the whirl,
Old daddy Time, for aye careering,
Has piloted another year in;
And in the course of last year's flight, he
Has brought about affairs so mighty,
Such a most wonderful, immense
Concatenation of events,—
That your most humble servant flatters
Himself a hint of some vast matters
This personage has set afloat, is
Well worth your honour's worship's notice.
Who keeps things ever on the whirl,
Old daddy Time, for aye careering,
Has piloted another year in;
And in the course of last year's flight, he
Has brought about affairs so mighty,
Such a most wonderful, immense
Concatenation of events,—
That your most humble servant flatters
Himself a hint of some vast matters
This personage has set afloat, is
Well worth your honour's worship's notice.
I don't say I am very knowing
In all the great affairs now going:
But hope my recapitulation,
(Though not a notable narration)
May serve, by way of retrospection,
As prompter to your recollection,—
As index to newspaper knowledge
As well as if t'were made in college;
And, with your honour's leave, I'll aim,
To interweave the mighty claim
Your humble carrier inherits
By virtue of prodigious merits,
More than in weeks he could lay down t'ye
To smack a little of your bounty.
In all the great affairs now going:
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(Though not a notable narration)
May serve, by way of retrospection,
As prompter to your recollection,—
As index to newspaper knowledge
As well as if t'were made in college;
And, with your honour's leave, I'll aim,
To interweave the mighty claim
Your humble carrier inherits
By virtue of prodigious merits,
More than in weeks he could lay down t'ye
To smack a little of your bounty.
Laden with all important budget,
Thro' wet and dry I'm doom'd to trudge it,
“News from all nations,” precious particles,
By last arrivals, all prime articles;—
Though tempest-beaten, hot or frigerant,
I tell you how the powers belligerent,
Enrag'd to desperate degree, rose,
And hack'd each other like true heroes.
And you have learn'd from Tom the carrier,
How Britain, Buonaparte's barrier,
Won't let the mushroom Gallick king, land
His ragamuffin rogues in England!
A very unpolite proceeding,
Which shows old John Bull's want of breeding.
How Mister emperour Buonapart'
As quick as lightning took a start,
Fierce as nine furies to attack
The troops of old snail-motion'd Mack,
Who, with less trouble was surrounded
Than ever cross grain'd pig was pounded;—
How Bony swears he means to flirt
Proud Austria's eagle in the dirt;
But lo! the hardy Russ is hasting
To give the Jaffa-man a basting;
And Prussia's monarch, rous'd at last,
War's crimson'd Rubicon has past,
And undertakes to lead the van,
Against the Harlequin Corsican.
Thro' wet and dry I'm doom'd to trudge it,
“News from all nations,” precious particles,
By last arrivals, all prime articles;—
Though tempest-beaten, hot or frigerant,
I tell you how the powers belligerent,
Enrag'd to desperate degree, rose,
And hack'd each other like true heroes.
And you have learn'd from Tom the carrier,
How Britain, Buonaparte's barrier,
174
His ragamuffin rogues in England!
A very unpolite proceeding,
Which shows old John Bull's want of breeding.
How Mister emperour Buonapart'
As quick as lightning took a start,
Fierce as nine furies to attack
The troops of old snail-motion'd Mack,
Who, with less trouble was surrounded
Than ever cross grain'd pig was pounded;—
How Bony swears he means to flirt
Proud Austria's eagle in the dirt;
But lo! the hardy Russ is hasting
To give the Jaffa-man a basting;
And Prussia's monarch, rous'd at last,
War's crimson'd Rubicon has past,
And undertakes to lead the van,
Against the Harlequin Corsican.
I've plac'd in ken of mental sight,
A most tremendous naval fight,
Where Nelson bold, Britannia's pride,
Heroick fought, and nobly died.
A most tremendous naval fight,
Where Nelson bold, Britannia's pride,
Heroick fought, and nobly died.
175
I've worn out many a pair of shoes
In bringing you domestick news,
That you in corner snug may con
How congress spouters carry on—
How titman Johnny had the face
To set himself to hunt judge Chase,
Indeed, the monkey of a fel-
Low in a mouse trap might as well
Have all so slily undertaken,
To snare a mammoth, or a kraken.
In bringing you domestick news,
That you in corner snug may con
How congress spouters carry on—
How titman Johnny had the face
To set himself to hunt judge Chase,
Indeed, the monkey of a fel-
Low in a mouse trap might as well
Have all so slily undertaken,
To snare a mammoth, or a kraken.
I've told you how the demo rout
Are balancing to come about,
And having, by old Nick's seduction,
Got half way down the hill Destruction,
Would very willingly get back,
And trace the good old federal track;—
Yes, having sacrific'd our navy,
And sold our commerce to old Davy,
Sans sailors, skill, or naval stores,
They'd conjure up fine seventy fours;—
And, having plunder'd and bereft us,
Would bring us back where Adams left us.
Thus rogues, unless they're vastly callous,
Will read confessions on the gallows;
And even the Devil himself would preach,
If forc'd to make a dying speech.
Are balancing to come about,
And having, by old Nick's seduction,
Got half way down the hill Destruction,
Would very willingly get back,
And trace the good old federal track;—
Yes, having sacrific'd our navy,
And sold our commerce to old Davy,
Sans sailors, skill, or naval stores,
They'd conjure up fine seventy fours;—
And, having plunder'd and bereft us,
Would bring us back where Adams left us.
176
Will read confessions on the gallows;
And even the Devil himself would preach,
If forc'd to make a dying speech.
But, verily, good democrats,
The people must be blind as bats,
If this your death-bed-like repentance
Should hinder them from passing sentence—
And send you, for their own security,
To your original obscurity:—
For your manœuvres, sirs, I'll venture ye,
Have put the nation back a century,
Have so debauch'd the people's morals,
Have caus'd so many party quarrels,
That had each leading democrat
Nine times the nine lives of a cat,
Nine times the number'd not atone
For one ninth part of what he's done.
The people must be blind as bats,
If this your death-bed-like repentance
Should hinder them from passing sentence—
And send you, for their own security,
To your original obscurity:—
For your manœuvres, sirs, I'll venture ye,
Have put the nation back a century,
Have so debauch'd the people's morals,
Have caus'd so many party quarrels,
That had each leading democrat
Nine times the nine lives of a cat,
Nine times the number'd not atone
For one ninth part of what he's done.
E'en Spaniards tread us under foot,
Who dare as well be hung as do't,
Had not our weak administration
First cut the hamstrings of the nation;
And our good mother Britain aims
At mustering up some musty claims,
To make it plain in black and white,
We never own'd one neutral right!
But if she strains her points too tau't,
She wont fare much the better for't;
For though our government's weak as may be,
Our emperour timid as a baby,
She'll find the Yankees still inherit
Some portion of the Breed'shill spirit;—
Ev'n let her rouse her ugly lion,
His snarling mightiness to try on,
She'll find our daring privateers
Will pull the grisly growler's ears;
And fighting fellows, like Paul Jones,
Will stand a chance to break his bones.
Who dare as well be hung as do't,
Had not our weak administration
First cut the hamstrings of the nation;
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At mustering up some musty claims,
To make it plain in black and white,
We never own'd one neutral right!
But if she strains her points too tau't,
She wont fare much the better for't;
For though our government's weak as may be,
Our emperour timid as a baby,
She'll find the Yankees still inherit
Some portion of the Breed'shill spirit;—
Ev'n let her rouse her ugly lion,
His snarling mightiness to try on,
She'll find our daring privateers
Will pull the grisly growler's ears;
And fighting fellows, like Paul Jones,
Will stand a chance to break his bones.
Some stupid people in the nation
Think president-palaveration
'Bout peace and friendship, will disarm
Our enemies like witch's charm.
Let such chaps lay their heads together,
To fan the sun out with a feather;—
To stamp their feet upon the ground,
And keep the globe from turning round;
To scale the moon astride a rocket,
And stuff the stars in small clothes pocket:—
And, when accomplish'd all these schemes,
They'll realize their waking dreams,
Of keeping vile sea-robbers under,
Without the aid of cannon's thunder!
Think president-palaveration
'Bout peace and friendship, will disarm
Our enemies like witch's charm.
Let such chaps lay their heads together,
To fan the sun out with a feather;—
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And keep the globe from turning round;
To scale the moon astride a rocket,
And stuff the stars in small clothes pocket:—
And, when accomplish'd all these schemes,
They'll realize their waking dreams,
Of keeping vile sea-robbers under,
Without the aid of cannon's thunder!
I've given you columns oft which treat on
The glorious deeds of general Eaton,
Though in a proper light to show him
Might well require an epic poem.
The glorious deeds of general Eaton,
Though in a proper light to show him
Might well require an epic poem.
My usefulness is not confin'd,
To matters of the mighty kind;
But, I can cook you up a mess,
Of heavenly homespun happiness:—
Suppose your honour lacks a wife,
The tender solacer of life,
Are smitten with a lady's phiz
Which brighter than a rainbow is,
But, when in her commanding presence,
So much you dreaded some misfeasance,
You never yet have dar'd discover
How most outrageously you love her;—
Though more than twenty times you tried,
By timid tenderness tongue tied,
Not one sweet sentence could you utter,
Not even one melting murmur mutter;—
In our Commercial Advertiser,
In Poet's corner, just apprize her,
That her bright eyes, and Cupid's dart,
Have drill'd like honey comb your heart—
That, scorch'd with love, in midst of winter
You're pin'd to shadow of a splinter.
To matters of the mighty kind;
But, I can cook you up a mess,
Of heavenly homespun happiness:—
Suppose your honour lacks a wife,
The tender solacer of life,
Are smitten with a lady's phiz
Which brighter than a rainbow is,
But, when in her commanding presence,
So much you dreaded some misfeasance,
179
How most outrageously you love her;—
Though more than twenty times you tried,
By timid tenderness tongue tied,
Not one sweet sentence could you utter,
Not even one melting murmur mutter;—
In our Commercial Advertiser,
In Poet's corner, just apprize her,
That her bright eyes, and Cupid's dart,
Have drill'd like honey comb your heart—
That, scorch'd with love, in midst of winter
You're pin'd to shadow of a splinter.
Say that her bosom's ribb'd with flint,
An adamantine heart is in't,
Unless she yields her world of charms
To bless her longing lover's arms.
An adamantine heart is in't,
Unless she yields her world of charms
To bless her longing lover's arms.
All this set forth in song or sonnet,
When Miss Delectable shall con it,
I make no doubt but she'll surrender,
And make her heart a legal tender.
When Miss Delectable shall con it,
I make no doubt but she'll surrender,
And make her heart a legal tender.
180
I hope, your honour, when you marry her,
You won't forget poor Tom the carrier.
You won't forget poor Tom the carrier.
Suppose your honour is a merchant;
You'll find our paper, when you search in't,
The finest vehicle now going
To tell you what you should be knowing.
Here's all the merchandise you need,
Hemp, ginger-bread and mustard-seed;
Sweet lozenges, and lottery tickets,
And pectoral drops to cure the rickets,
Grindstones, fine muslin and molasses,
Tobacco, squills, and opera glasses,
And every article, I'd swear for,
Which gentleman or lady'd care for.
You'll find our paper, when you search in't,
The finest vehicle now going
To tell you what you should be knowing.
Here's all the merchandise you need,
Hemp, ginger-bread and mustard-seed;
Sweet lozenges, and lottery tickets,
And pectoral drops to cure the rickets,
Grindstones, fine muslin and molasses,
Tobacco, squills, and opera glasses,
And every article, I'd swear for,
Which gentleman or lady'd care for.
But now, to cut my story short all,
Since I am such a useful mortal,
Your honour wont refuse me, I know,
A little of the ready rhino.
Some little change of any sort,
I'll humbly thank your honour for't,
And wish the generous donor may
Hail many a happy NEW-YEAR'S DAY!
Since I am such a useful mortal,
Your honour wont refuse me, I know,
A little of the ready rhino.
Some little change of any sort,
I'll humbly thank your honour for't,
And wish the generous donor may
Hail many a happy NEW-YEAR'S DAY!
| Original poems | |