 | The sayings of Dr. Bushwhacker, and other learned men |  |
XIV.
The Noses of Eminent Men.
Of all the quadrupeds, the elephant is, unquestionably,
the most sagacious. And, although some
have fondly imagined that his sagacity is wholly owing
to his great bulk—just as we are apt to think wisdom is
peculiar to the fat, or judgment to the thickset—yet, in
justice to the elephant, we must not allow the world to
repose upon so absurd and preposterous an error. If
mere bulk were wisdom, what shall be said of the hippopotamus;
of coroners, and aldermen; of justices to the
peace, the rhinoceros, and the commissioners of the Patent-office;
of prize-medal pigs, and Gen.—? We see, at
once, the fallacy of the popular belief, when we consider
the very opposite relations existing between bulk and wisdom,
in the above examples. It is needless here to enter
into an elaborate detail of the sympathetic attachments
of the brain and the nose, extending through an infinite
ramification of nerves, arteries, ganglions, and tissues,
nor of the power of the organ itself to express emotion;
to scorn, to sneer, to snivel, to affirm, or deny; to put itself
intrusively where it is not wanted; to be arrogant, haughty,
conceited: to suffer indignities; to be a sleeping-trumpet,
The relations between the brain and this organ, are, therefore,
nearly equivalent to those between a ship and its
rudder—with the trifling difference, that we are guided by
one, and led by the other. These facts being established,
all that is required to be known further, is, whether the
dimensions of a nose being given, it is possible to arrive
at a fair estimate of the subsidiary mental power, if not,
indeed, at a regular scale, such as Kepler has laid down
with regard to the planetary system. To this we answer
in the affirmative. Let us take the wisest of brutes as an
instance. The height of the tallest elephant in the jungles
of Africa is ten feet and a half, and the length of his
proboscis, from the lower suture of the coronal bone (os
frontis), to the tip, is exactly seven feet and an inch.
Now, if we add to the height of the elephant his weight
and circumference, we find the proportion of the organ
to the sum total to be exactly 19 11-60 per centum. If
we take, as an offset to this, the commonest and most
familiar zoological example, viz., the proportions existing
between the weight, height, and bulk of the hippopotamus,
and the length of his nose, we find them expressed
in round numbers by the fractions 132-33900.
And it is a curious scientific fact, that the mental capacities
of the two animals—I mean the power of mind—the
“think” that is in them, when carefully measured, exhibit
nearly the same figures. If, then, guided by these astonishing
results, we take up any plethoric body of men—
say the United States Congress, or the State Legislature,
intellectual value, in a psychological point of view. The
average of a board of aldermen, reduced to the scale of
half an inch to the foot, exhibits so near an approxima-tion
to the proportions of the lesser animal, that we might
call them the “city hippopotami”, and be accurate enough
for ordinary purposes. On the other hand, if we attend
a meeting of strong-minded women, we find a prodigious
development of this feature. Strong-minded women have
immense noses, with some flat hats and a variety of spectacles.
Jews, also, are singularly gifted; but we make allowance
of at least one-third for organs of this pattern, on
account of the natural hook, from the eyebrows to the tip.
We once had the honor of being intimate with one of the
most profound scholars and thinkers in Holland, who was
so long-nosed and near-sighted that he wiped out with his
nose half of what he wrote with his pen—thereby show-ing
a memorable instance of wisdom. The average
length of a fully-developed, intellectual, male nose, is
precisely two inches and a half from the indention between
the eyes to the extreme end of the cartilage.
Washington's nose was 2 5-8 inches; but the presidential
average has, so far, been what we have stated above—
Jefferson, for example, representing the longs, and Fill-more
the shorts. Wellington and Napoleon differ only
the sixteenth of an inch, both being above the average;
Lord Brougham, who is an encyclopœdia of general information,
follows a feature three inches in length! the
average nose of the Century Club is 2 9-16; Thackeray's
“Father of his country;” President Johnson's is 2 9-16;
Irving's, 2 7-12; Bryant's, 2 6-11; Dickens's, 2 3-8; Durand's,
2 7-13; Gen. Scott's, 2 5-10; Longfellow's, 2 6-11;
Gen. Sherman's 2 1-2; Macaulay's, 2 5-9; Farragut's,
2 3-4; Commodore Wise's, 1 7-12; Tennyson's, 2 4-7;
Hoffman's, 2 7-13; the average magazine nose of this
city is 1 5-8; in Philadelphia, 1 7-8; McClellan's is 2 8-12;
Verplancks', 2 5-8; Bayard Taylor's, 2 6-11; we shall
have Fredrika Bremer's by next steamer; the nose of the
Academy of Design, 2 5-9; Browning's, 2 5-9; Miss
Mulock has a very respectable feature for a woman, being
2 1-4; Jean Ingelow, 2 1-8; Bonner's, 2 1-2; Seward's,
nearly 3 inches, and our own a snub.
In making our measurements, we have had the greatest
difficulties to encounter, by reason of the foolish desire
of many to be represented as measuring more than they are
entitled to. But, as we know by experience how often
scientific data are put aside as worthy of no credit, because
of a few trifling defects or errors, we have been
guided only by our instruments. We know it is very
hard to refuse a sixteenth of an inch, when it is asked by
a friend, as a particular favor, but, nevertheless, our “reflections”
must be accurate and reliable, or else they will be
justly condemned. In pursuance of our theory, we have
engaged Mr. Pike, the eminent mathematical instrument
maker, to construct for us a noseometer, of the greatest
capacity, and will, from time to time, furnish our readers
with the results of the observations taken there with.
| The sayings of Dr. Bushwhacker, and other learned men | |