LETTER XI.
To Mrs. Fielder.
Philadelphia, October 15.
I have several times taken up the pen, but my distress
has compelled me to lay it down again. Heaven is my
witness that the happiness of my revered mamma is dearer
to me than my own; no struggle was ever greater between
my duty to you and the claims of another.
Will you not permit me to explain my conduct? will you
not acquaint me with the reasons of your aversion to my
friend?—let me call him by that name. Such indeed, has
he been to me; the friend of my understanding and my
virtue. My soul's friend; since, to suffer, without guilt,
in this world, entitles us to peace in another, and since to
him I owe that I have not been a guilty, as well as an unfortunate
creature.
Whatever conduct I pursue with regard to him, I must
always consider him in this light; at least, till your proofs
against him are heard. Let me hear them I beseech you.
Have compassion on the anguish of your poor girl, and reconcile,
if possible, my duty to your inclination, by stating
what you know to his disadvantage. You must have causes
for your enmity, which you hide from me. Indeed, you
tell me that you have; you say that if I knew them they
would determine me. Let then every motive be set aside
through regard to my happiness, and disclose to me this
secret.
While I am ignorant of these charges; while all that I
know of Colden tends to endear his happiness to me, and
while his happiness depends upon my acceptance of his vows,
can I, ought I, to reject him?
Place yourself in my situation. You once loved and was
once beloved. I am, indeed, your child. I glory in the
name which you have had the goodness to bestow upon me.
Think and feel for your child, in her present unhappy circumstances;
in which she does not balance between happiness
and misery; that alternative, alas! is not permitted;
but is anxious to discover which path has fewest thorns, and
in which her duty will allow her to walk.
How greatly do you humble me! and how strongly evince
your aversion to Colden, by offering, as the price of his rejection,
half your property. How low am I fallen in your
esteem, since you think it possible for such a bribe to prevail,
and what calamities must this alliance seem to threaten,
since the base selfishness of accepting this offer, is better in
your eyes, than my marriage!
Sure I never was unhappy till now. Pity me, my
mother. Condescend to write to me again, and by disclosing
all your objections to Colden, reconcile, I earnestly entreat
you,
my duty to your inclination.
