University of Virginia Library

1. BOOK I.

1. CHAPTER I.

WE have seen that a sort of constitution had been
formed; or rather government constituted; for the Captain
had been chosen Governor, and the blind lawyer
appointed chief justice. A sense of self-preservation
had led to this. For it had been found, that in a situation
of things approaching to a state of nature, the weak
were a prey to the strong, and oftentimes, among the
strong, there was much wrong done, not being sufficiently
afraid of each other, when the corporal powers
were nearly equal; and, until it had been ascertained
which had the mastery, much maiming had prevailed.—
It had been customary for individuals to league together,
to defend themselves; and there was much gouging and
biting on both sides, when a contest of the few had arisen.
Settlement against settlement was pitted; and
district against district, oftentimes with much battery,
and blood-shed. Calling out for help was usual amongst
the combatants, and it was accounted dishonourable
not to interfere, by those not engaged.

An honest man walking home one evening, and, whether
from intemperance or sleep, nodding as he walked,
which being mistaken by a ram for a menace, he was
butted, as the phrase is, and overthrown, calling out,
“is there none of the down county boys here?” This
may serve to give an image of the state of society at
this period. It will serve still more to illustrate this,
when I relate the following anecdote. A lawyer, or
at least one who called himself such, of small stature,
and delicate structure of body, being applied to by a
client, who having no money, but being of a strong body,

offered to do all his fighting for him; that is, for the
pettifogger. That will not do, said the wary advocate;
for you may not be at hand always to protect me, from
an insult, much less from assault; but if you will permit
me on some occasion to overpower and beat yourself
that is, to seem to do it, as your prowess is incontestible,
it will secure me ever after; for no one will molest
me. It was agreed; and a sham battle being fought,
the advocate, as was agreed upon, got the better. But
the whole coming out in due time, when the laws began
to be established, the bruiser, as he had been called,
prosecuted the advocate; who pleaded an assault demesne,
and relying an the maxim, volenti non fit injuria,
he was acquitted; and on the civil action, no damages
were found against him.

It was on this principle, and, in this state of things,
that the Captain had been elected Governor. For, coming
to the settlement attended by his posse, Will Watlin,
Tom the Tinker, Harum Scarum, and O`Fin the Irishman,
a damp was struck upon the hearts of the insurgents
in different places, which the people seeing, recurred
to this new power for safety. Will Watlin having
pulled up a grub, and entering the town, called it a
switch, as I have seen represented on the stage in some
dramatic composition; the people thinking that if that
was a switch, what would his baton, or cudgel be? O`Fin
the Irishman had, in fact, entered with a log on his shoulder,
which he called his shilelah, and threatened death
and destruction to all that came his way. Harum Scarum
had a branch of an oak tree, which he trailed after
him; and Tom the Tinker approached with a club,
which he called his hammer. It was much larger than
the club of Herculus is painted, and though he had not
the strength to wield it with equal ease, yet, poised upon
his right shoulder, it had the appearance of a weapon
that would do much execution. Teague, the bog-trotter,
though with great difficulty, drew after him a piece of a
pine log, which he said he had been tired wielding, and
knocking down people with. The Captain had a staff,
not as large as a weaver's beam, but far surpassing the
size of a common walking stick. From these appearances,
there had been no resistance made; and in due
time the country thought it advisable to put themselves
under the protection of persons whose object it seemed
to be to keep the peace, and maintain the laws. The

Captain had been chosen Governor. But in writing
the chapter of the last book of this work, I had run over
a great space without entering into the detail, or minutiæ
of events. For that, and no other reason, it may appear
to want verisimilitude of incidents to support the
probability of the narrative.
Says Voltaire: and though it may be disputed whether
knowledge is power, yet no one can deny, but that wattles
and hearts of oak have a great tendency to procure
submission.

But the Captain himself was uneasy under this usurped
authority; and the people began to talk of his resembling
Bonaparte. There were those who threw out
hints that he had an understanding with that emperor.—
It was much agitated in beer-houses, whether he was
not under French influence. He denied it, and stood to
it, that he had no correspondence with the tyrant.—
Is it possible, said he, that I could have much attachment
to Bonaparte, who has no attachment to
me? For I am well persuaded that he has never heard
of me; nor can he possibly regard what government, or
kind of government, I have over a few ragamuffins assembled,
or rather scattered, in a distant quarter of the
globe. It is true, I did happen, coming along, to speak
a few words of French, at least they told me it was
French, which I had got from a parlez-vous, a carrier,
that spoke a certain lingo to his horses; because being
used to his vocabulary, they understood no other language;
but it was in the most perfect simplicity of
mind; and I am not sure that it was French that I did
speak; or rather that he spoke; for what I said was in
imitation of certain sounds, rather than words of his, as I
could catch them from the rapidity of his pronunciation.
But why need there be a noise made about it. I am ready
to lay down my oak stick, which has been the badge
of my government, whenever any one of you chuses.—
Let it be laid down, and with that he flung it across a
potatoe patch, as far as he could throw it. Now, there
it is, said he, and you are a free people. But what are
you the better for that? Was it not to keep you from
having broken heads that I took up the government.—
You talk of Bonaparte usurping the government. What
government did he usurp? Had not the people of France

found out that there was no government, and could be
none short of a despotism? The constitution of 1791,
had given way. That of 1793, had gone to the tomb of
the Capulets. Was there not one of 1795? If so, It had
also gone. The only two of the directory that had any
talents, or integrity, Barthelemi, and Carnot, were deported
to Cayenne. The better part of the council of
500, and of the council of ancients, I mean the best men
of these bodies, were carted in iron cages to the sea shore,
and sent off in frigates. Could there be said to be any
freedom at this time? What was it that induced Abbe
Sieyes, and other wise men who had been tired of making
constitutions, to send for Bonaparte to Egypt to take
the helm of the state vessel? For, pursuing the figure,
when the vessel is at the mercy of the waves, tost and
ready to run upon the breakers, is it usurpation to take
the helm, and steer her in safety? Comparing small
things with great, myself to Bonaparte, did I usurp any
authority, when you yourselves called upon me, being
at loggerheads, to take the government. But as I have
more concern for you, than you have for yourselves, I
will retain it a little, with a view to preserve order and
regularity among you until you get a constitution, if by
that means you can secure your liberty.

This speech being ended, it was agreed to consider of
a constitution.

It was debated in the beer-houses, whether a despotism
was not best; or the continuance of the present
constitution. But it was carried nemine contradicente,
that something new should be adopted. It was agitated
how a republican government should begin. Doubtless,
it was answered, by a convention of the people. It was
asked, how should that convention be brought about? It
was answered, in the same mode and by the same means,
as what is called a camp-meeting: This is a gathering
of fanatics, of which we have seen examples, in almost
all parts of the United States. But would there not be
danger of the same tumblings, and jumpings, and contortions
of body, and agitations of mind, as at those congregations
No; because the female part of the society
would be excluded. These are not only convulsionists,
but the cause of convulsions becoming general among
the multitude, by sympathy of feeling, and extasy of vision.
Keep these away, and the meeting might be kept
sober, unless indeed spirituous liquor was introduced.—

And when serious business was on the carpet, this might
be excluded, allowing a few days of intemperance, in the
manner of the ancient Germans, before the council had
begun. It was agreed that a general warning should be
given to meet under bushes, and tree-tops by such a day,
not in conclave, or divan, but in a general convention of
the people, to deliberate on the frame of a constitution.—
But were they all to convene, every male, of whatever
age, embracing infantia, which ends at the age of
seven years; Pueritia, which terminates at 14; Adolescentia,
which lasts until that of twenty-one years; or juventus
which may be considered as ending at the age of
thirty-five; or the virilis ætas, which is complete at
twenty-eight, and lasts the whole life of man. Senium,
or old age, commences at fifty-seven. Was this age
to be excluded by reason of imbecility from the deliberations
of perfect men?

Another question arose; was every man that wore a
head, tag, rag, and bob-tail, to assemble, and have a vote?
In contemplation of law, at the formation of our republic,
it must be so. And though, in fact, it never was the
case, yet the principle stands immovable, and all must
be supposed to have a voice. “We the people,” admits
of no exclusion. But are people to be admitted that have
no understanding? Who can undertake to say of another
that he wants sense? Intelligence cannot be weighed by
the pound or ounce, or measured by the ell or the perch
Who is to make the selection from the mass? It was
agreed, therefore, that all who chose to meet, should convene.
Advertisements to this effect were put in the
gazette, having a journal or public paper in town; and
cards and handbills were affixed upon trees, and barn
doors, and chalked upon fence rails, and those who could
not write proclaimed with the voice, the general assembling
of the people.

The day came, and the hills were covered.—
Those upon the low grounds shouted up to their superiors
on the hills; and the hills vociferated to those below
But great confusion ensued, by interruption and
discussion. Some order became necessary, and the reducing
the multitude to a smaller compass; but this
could not be done, until a part wearied out, and wanting
food, departed to their homes. There were but about a
score of persons remaining when the next day appeared.

Having taken some refreshment of food, these set
about the business. But half asleep, they were incompetent,
and had to take a nap before they could renew the
task which they had undertaken. It was now debated,
whether these present could be considered as representing
those that were absent. This was plain; for all had had
an opportunity, and might have attended if they would.

The question was now agitated, should they have a constitution?
Upon this there was a diversity of voices.—
Said an honest fellow, what have we to do with a constitution?
Why form one? Will we stick to a constitution
when we have made it? A constitution is like a nose of
wax; it is twisted by the party that is predominant. It
might not however be unadvisable to have some outline
of a constitution; some groove within which to move,
some shape and form of the machine of government. If
the people cannot all convene; or if they do convene,
cannot act without confusion, as the late experiment had
abundantly evinced, it would be necessary to have some
means of reducing them to a narrower compass. Let
there be primary assemblies, meetings of the people in
particular districts, and let these elect and send representatives
to a secondary assembly. Let these secondary
assemblies select from amongst themselves, and depute
to an ultimate body, who shall from time to time meet
and frame the laws. Judicial officers must exist distinct
from the legislature; executive distinct from both.—
Who shall appoint these officers, and in what manner it
shall be done, must require some designation, or rule laid
down. The nature of the government itself must be determined
on; at least some name must be given it, whether
it shall be called a republican government, or an
aristocracy, or monarchy.

2. CHAPTER II.

THERE is in the moral world, what may be called
an influenza, as well as in the natural. I leave it to
physicians to treat particularly of the influenza in the natural
world; though disquisitions as to the origin, and
history of an epidemic is more within the province of
the natural philosopher than of the physician; this last
having to do, more with the treatment, and cure of diseases,
than with the history; though it must greatly
conduce to a knowledge of the remedy of a disorder, to
know its origin, and cause, and progress. Hence it is,
that no man, whose mind, from nature, or from education,
or both, has not been led to investigate causes, and effects,
in the natural world, can be a great physician. In
laying this down, I reason in my own mind from analogy.
For though my knowledge of this subject is not
extensive, I mean of the subordinate necessity of general
information to particular science, in the case of a
physician; yet I can have some conception of it, from
what I do know, and can more confidently assert in the
case of a jurisconsult, and politician. By politician I do
not mean a diplomatist, having a knowledge of affairs
of state, or that has been employed in correspondence
and communications with foreign ministers; or in the
relations and conventions of states with each other.
It is a higher science, that I have in view, the arrangement
of a form of government for a people; the making
salutary laws. Here it is that I find myself on a commanding
eminence; when in imagination, I can reach it,
surrounded with the great of the world. To them is
owing all that distinguishes man from man; whether
they have moulded systems that are the offspring of accident
in their beginnings, or, that, on original ground
they have built fabricks; I will acknowledge that almost
all systems of liberty, have begun like almost all other
things, that are great, from nothing; and have been gradually
moulded to permanence, and durability. And
while the unceasing activity of the passions have led to
such changes, as have established, or preserved liberty,
the same cause has invariably led to the dissolution of
free governments. It therefore becomes a matter of the

nicest observation, and most comprehensive judgment,
to know where to rest. Nevertheless in the most settled
state of things, and most happy establishment, if
some one like Ehud, blows a trumpet for a change, he
will have followers. It may be impossible to trace the
very point in the community at which a wild idea took
its rise, or what passion in the individual gave it birth,
but its progress, like the influenza, may be traced; and
its gradual march from north to south, or from east to
west, and its deleterious effects. It is immaterial whether
it is the common law that is to be abolished, or the right
of suffrage extended to beasts. No matter what the innovation,
it will have partizans. What we have depicted
therefore ought not to be set down as incredible. I
would not wonder if it should come to be seriously agitated
some years hence, unless this burlesque prevents
it. For you might as well express surprise at a man
under an influenza having a fever, as at the multitude
under a political impression, being thrown into delirium,
and phrenzy. In a case of such madness, direct reasoning
will be of no avail; but the turning the course of the
thought aside by the substitution of some other; not perhaps
questioning the practicability, much less the expediency
of the proposition, in vogue, but suggesting a
more eligible mode of execution. If divisions can be
sown amongst the innovators as to the ways and means,
they may be diverted from the principal object. Thus
in the case of bestial suffrage, admit that quadrupeds
have a right to human society, yet the question may be
made, whether a gradual, or an immediate emancipation
may be advisable. After this, another ground of discrepancy
may be laid, suggesting with what species of the
brutal kingdom it may be proper to commence the reform.
Some who speak first, will say an elephant, and
then a Rhinoceros; when all voices are heard, there
may be found as many opinions as there are voices.
Quot hominum, tot capitum. By good management it
may be brought to a wrangle whether votes shall not be
in proportion to bulk, strength, or swiftness. To oppose
the giving a vote at all will be unwise, but the giving it
in a different way and manner from that proposed, or if
some strong and monstrous inconvenience can be pointed
out, immediately about to fall upon themselves, such
as was hit upon, on this occasion, of their changing
places, and turning beasts, and being yoked to carts;
knocked on the head; or taken in traps, it may succeed.
For this is not barely touching the pocket, but affecting
the person. It is affecting it sensibly; for the tugging at a
trace up a hill presents an idea that is intelligible, and immediately
repulsive. Much more the being shot at with a
rifle, and the hide taken off as you would a bear-skin. No
man will run a risk of a change of affairs, if a bare possibility
of such a reverse as this, can be brought into
view.

I am well aware that there are readers; that is, there
will be readers, if they do read, and come to the sense of
these last sentences, who will say, what is this, but nonsense?
But to such I beg leave to put this question, and
let them answer me after much thought and due deliberation,
whether it is not what every one cannot do;
to talk nonsense eloquently. I know of no author in
which this is more exemplified, than a book much praised,
but in which I have never been able to discover a
single ray of sense; and that is Bolinbroke's idea of a
patriot king. And as a parallel to this, I give another
as it appeared to me at the time I cast my eye upon it,
which was in early life; and which book is always spoken
of as a model of stile; viz. Shaftsbury's Characteristics
But the truth is, I could not ascertain the point
of his observations. I take the chapter that I have just
written to be somewhat of the same cast. But as

the critics may draw something out of it. But if they
should not be able to extract a sentiment, let them confine
their observation, to the stile, which, at our entrance
on the task of writing this book, we declared to be our
primary object. I will acknowledge at the same time,
entre nous, that stile is what I never could exactly hit,
to my own satisfaction. And in the English language,
that of Hume, Swift, and Fielding, is the only stile that
I have coveted to possess. For I take it they are precisely
the same, according to the subjects of their writing
But the easy, the natural, and the graceful, is of
all stiles, whether of manners or of speaking, the most
difficult to attain.

3. CHAPTER III.

IT being understood that a constitution by ten, or
even twenty men, would be a thing of bad fame, the decemviri
among the Romans having got a bad name, it
was agreed that the small remnant there convened should
proceed no farther than to call a convention of delegates,
the time, places, and manner of chusing, which, was
pointed out.

It was necessary that information of this should be
communicated. But as a journal, or gazette might not
reach all; or if it did reach them, they might not be able
to read; runners were dispatched, Tom, Dick, and Harry,
to carry the intelligence. The Captain's posse comitatis
Harum Scarum, O'Fin the Irishman, &c. having
hand-bills struck off, were ordered on their travels
though bush, brake, and wood-land, to circulate advertisements.

Due notice having been now given, and on the day,
a chosen few having been selected from the primary
meetings, which by the bye, were not always very numerous;
for in some places, the father chose the son,
and in other places, the son the father; these, I say, being
met, proceeded to debate on the principles of the great
magna charta of a constitution. And as at Runnymede,
it was literally under an oak, or rather a grove of oaks,
that they were convened, a matter of debate was whether
every thing that wore a head should have a vote in
chusing legislators. It was restrained to the male kind;
of course females were excluded. But should boys
come in? That was the question. Not unless full
grown boys. But at what age does the body come to
its growth? Not until the age of 28, says Doctor Jameson,
a physician of Cheltenham, in his treatise on the
body, does it come to its full growth. It spreads until
that time. But impatience to have the rights of men
prevailed with some delegates, and they were of opinion
to dock off seven years, and to fix the age of virility at
21; for that was the age of the common law, in most of
the other states.

But should the suffrage be universal, or with a qualification
of property? not real property; that was out of
the question: for every check ought to be put upon the
engrossing the soil, as the population of the country depended
upon restricting to a small share. Camillus had
but four acres, said the Latin schoolmaster, and well
cultivated, that might suffice any one. At all events it
was not good policy to hold out any encouragement to
engross land.

But it was agreed that every man should have a vote
in proportion to his stock. For this was originally the
meaning of the word chattels. We shall hear more of
this anon; for it led to an opinion in the sequel, that
beasts themselves should vote.

Said the Latin scoolmaster.

But except as to the qualifications of electors, it
was determined there should be no constitution; but
that, bound by no girdle when the representatives convened,
they should legislate at free scope without restraint,
from preconceived rules, and set forms shackling the understanding;
but that it should be a pure democracy; a
real republic. All hands aloft was now the word, to man
the state ship.

Said the Latin schoolmaster.

The Captain was re-elected Governor;

The blind Lawyer appointed Chief Justice;

O'Fin the Irishman Sheriff;

Teague O'Regan Secretary of State; and

Tom the Tinker Cryer of the Courts.

All things were going on smoothly, and there bade fair
to be much harmony in the commonwealth.

4. CHAPTER IV.

THE principle of universal suffrage was much agitated
at this time: whether every poll, as the word imports
should poll, or have a vote; or that property should
also vote. If property alone, the question would arise,
whether soil only; or also goods and chattles. If soil
only, to what quantity or quality, shall the suffrage be
attached? An hundred acres of soil of a bad quality, may
not have the intrinsic worth of one of good. How should
an inspector, or judge of an election, determine on the
quality, unless the owner brings a sample with him,
as the man who had his house to sell, brought a
brick. This would be an inconvenience; and would
render it impracticable to escape frauds. For a man
might dig a sample from his neighbours, and pass it for
his own. And as to quantity, the occupier of the greater
quantity, is the most worthless citizen; at least the
one who occupies more than he cultivates; because he
neither eats the hay, nor lets another eat it. It is preposterous
that soil should vote; a dumb field, a dead
tree with a crows nest upon it; an hazle bush; a morass,
or a barren mountain; or even a hill with a tuft of
oaks upon it. These are all inanimate substances; how
can they vote? For goods and chattles something might
be said; a live beast particularly; as the animal could
speak, not with a viva voce vote, like a man; more humano,
like a human creature. But with some guttural
sound from the throat, or fauces, which might be called
its own; and not like the tree with a turkey buzzard on
it; and which is not its own voice. I mean that of the
tree, said the speaker, who was running on in this manner;
and yet it is advocated, that stocks and stones that
go with the soil shall have a vote. There might be some
reason in improvements voting; a brick house or a dutch
barn; but none at all in the mere brutum tellus of an
estate.

This led the way to an hypothesis, that property in
moveables should alone entitle; and this, after some debate,
began to be narrowed down to property in living
animals; especially to useful quadrupeds, and those of
full growth, and who had come to years, I will not say of

discretion, but of maturity. From the light thrown upon
the subject, the right of suffrage to grown cattle had become
so popular, that there was no resisting it; not that
viva voce it was proposed or thought of that, inarticulating
speaking creatures should speak out, or name their
representatives, nor even that they should give in a ballot,
but that they should be brought upon the ground to
shew their faces, that there might be no imposition, the
voters alleging that they had cattle when they had not.

But it was not to every owner's beast that it was advisable
to extend the right; but only to the more valuable
animals; or such as were of a good breed; Virginia horses
that are fit for the saddle or the turf.

It may seem very strange; but actually the thing
took; and at a polling some time after, it began to be
carried into effect that beasts should be constituents, and
have their representatives. It was not the principle, but
to the individual beast that some exceptions took place;
as for instance, an English bull was brought upon the
hustings to give his vote. We will have no English bull
said the inspectors. Not that a brute beast is not entitled
to a vote; nor that a bull cannot vote, or be voted for;
but this is an English bull. No English bull can vote.
You might as well bring an Englishman himself, to the
polls. It is in right of the bull-keeper, or rather bull-owner,
that the bull claims the suffrage. If an Englishman
himself, not naturalized, is excluded, how can his
bull or his horse, or any other quadruped be admitted?
It would be sufficient to set aside the election if his ticket
was introduced. A bull indeed! The name of John
Bull is appropriate to an Englishman. An Irish bull is
quite another matter; John Bull shall have no vote
here.

In the mean time, a man on an iron-grey horse rode up
to the window, which was open for receiving tickets, and
unequivocally insisted on a vote for his horse. Vouchers
stood by, who averred that he was foaled in the county,
that, horse and colt, they had known him many years;
that as to his paying taxes, they could not so well say,
unless his labour on the farm could be considered as paying
tax.

In the mean time, the horse putting his nose in at the
window, taking it for a rack, an inspector gave him a fillup
on the snout, which resenting; the owner wheeling
round, the horse wheeling under him, he rode over one

or more of the bystanders who were in the way. Certain
it is, the horse was a meritorious horse, having seen
service in the campaign under General Wayne against
the Indians in 1793. Nevertheless, they that had been
rode over did not brook the affront, or put up with it unrevenged;
for calling out horse, horse, to which some
added the word stolen, as fame increases as it goes, it
was echoed along the lines stolen horse; upon which the
man was apprehended, and carried before a magistrate,
who not having heard of the right of beasts to vote,
thought this story improbable as he related what had
passed at the window of the election house, and for want
of proper bail he was committed. It may be material
to mention that the horse's mane and tail were black to
distinguish him from a grey horse that belonged to another
person. I have known several that knew the horse;
but who were not present on the occasion to which we
refer, and so, will not undertake to vouch for the
truth of it, not having charged their memory with it, or
taken a note of it at the moment it occurred. Or it may
be, they do not chuse to recollect it, or give information
on the subject, thinking it prudent not to involve themselves
on elective disputes, as there is no knowing, when
parties run high, how far the bare vouching for a fact
may involve one. Such is the result of strong passions
when not under the controul of reason and reflection
Weak persons are always the most positive, because
they cannot afford the acknowledgment of an error
It will not do to admit fallibility; for there is no
knowing how far the inference may be drawn.

Another man came up who brought a sheep to the
polls; a merino ram, who, he said, was entitled to a vote,
having resided in the country, since he had been brought
in by Humphreys, representing him to be of the breed
of the great Fezzen ram, though there were those who
thought it might be what is called a yankey trick; not
but, that all Americans may be capable of substituting
a thing for what it is not; and all are called Yankees
by the British; but New-England men are distinguished;
and called Yankee Doodles.

The ram is not entitled to a vote said the inspector,
nor ought he to be permitted to put in a ticket, were
he of the breed of the golden fleece guarded by the
fiery dragons whom Jason overcame; and brought
away the wool; no; not if he was the very ram that

was caught in the thicket; or that Daniel saw in his
vision coupled with the he goat. But he is a Spanish
ram born under despotism, how can he be expected
to give a republican vote; of papist origin, he
may bring the inquisition with him; coming here
to vote. Besides, this is a very real sheep, that is
offered; and not one whom we call a sheep in a figurative
sense of the word. Where we call men horses,
or asses, we do not mean always that they are so, puris
naturalibus, without overalls on, with the horn and
the hoof about them, but shadowing forth the same thing
under a veil of metaphor, as the case may be. But
not on this ground altogether do I reject him; and
because he has wool on his back; but, because he is
of barbary origin. The Moors brought the breed into
Spain. You may cast a sheep's eye at the window as
long as you please, master ram; but not a vote shall you
have as long as I am here. I do not know whether you
are not a half breed, and no genuine merino. So away
with him, as the song says,

Another person coming up, brought a large ox, which
he called Thomas Jefferson; not out of respect to the
ox, but to the man, as having a good name and reputation.
Make way, said the voters, for Thomas Jefferson.
We will have no Thomas Jeffersons, said the inspector;
he is out of his district. I assert the contrary, said the
owner; he was calved in this settlement. He is called
the mammoth ox, and I had thought of driving him to
Washington; but that I knew, however he might be
made a present to Jefferson, the congress would eat
him, as they did the mammoth cheese; so that the president
would scarcely get a slice of him. For there are
parasites in all countries; and the worthless are chiefly
those who dance attendance upon men in office; and how
can it be avoided to invite them to partake of civilities?
You will certainly allow a vote to Thomas Jefferson —
No; not if he was the real Jefferson from Monticello,
said the inspector. How can I tell but he may introduce
the same politics? That is true, said another; break
judges, abolish taxes, dismantle navies, build gunboats,
lay embargoes, depress armies, pay tributes to barbary
powers, issue proclamations, wear red breeches, receive
ambassadors in pantaloons and slippers, collect prairie

dogs, and horned frogs, dream of salt mountains, walk
with Pedimetres, and be under French influence. We
will have no Thomas Jefferson. You may drive off your
ox. He shall have no vote here.

No doubt the judges and inspectors, being men of
sense, saw the absurdity of carrying the principle so far
into practice, as to admit the representation of property,
by this property being itself, and in its own individual existence,
the constituent. But not thinking it safe, or
practicable, to resist this temporary phrenzy, and misconception
of things, by a direct resistance, it became
necessary, by indirect means to avoid it. To lay it down
in the face of the multitude that these new voters had not
a right, would not have been endured; but parrying it
by questioning the right in a particular case, gave no
umbrage. It was saving the principle, though it denied
the exercise. The man that had rode down the bystanders,
and was taken up for a horse thief, was pardoned
by the governor. This was done to get quit of
the investigation; the governor thinking it for the credit
of the country that there should be nothing said about
the occasion, and manner of the felony; or the mistake
under which the imputation had arisen.

But, party spirit at this time had begun to run high;
some insisting on the right of suffrage to their cattle;
and others considering it a burlesque. You might have
seen shilelahs in the air, and several bullocks were
knocked down that were brought up to the polls. A lad
was tumbled from his palfry as he was riding him to
water, under an idea that he was bringing him to aid the
adverse ticket. The lad was somewhat hurt by the fall,
and the steed ran off, and could not be caught again until
salt was shewn him, and oats in a hat, some one crying
cope, cope. The ram that had been offered, seeing arrive
the sheep, cried ba; and it was insisted that he had
given his vote, which the candidate against whom it was
taken down, resented; and hit the tup a stroke, that, in
the sailor's phrase, brought him on his beam ends.—
The blow, however, which was aimed at a pig in a poke,
which a man was carrying home, and which was heard
to squeal; struck the man himself: What, said the assailant,
are you bringing here the swinish multitude to
vote?

Nevertheless, it was not so much the admitting quadrupeds,
but unqualified cattle that became the subject

of the controversy; intelligent persons arguing that it
was a thing shameful in itself, and unjust. Because it
was a fraud upon the whole community, that stragglers
should be brought forward, which the individual concerned
in the fraud reconciled to himself on the
score of serving the party: That it required some refinement
to be aware of the indelicacy of urging an improper
vote. Was it reasonable to suppose that a horse
creature could give an independent vote, that was in the
power of his owner to be stinted of his oats, and rode faster
or slower as he thought proper, on a journey? Was it
reasonable to expect that the ox would think differently
on political subjects from his master? Should he venture
to dissent, a crack of the whip or the spur, would bring
him to his senses. Even a rational creature, that may
be supposed to have more fortitude, is usually in subjection
to the master, in matter of opinion, where he is a
slave. It is for this reason that slaves are excluded. —
Whatever might plausibly be said as to the expediency of
extending the privilege of citizenship to those animals
that are feræ naturæ, and are at their own hands in a
forest, it is quite another matter as far as it respects domesticated
animals, that have no will of their own, but
are under dominion, whether subjugated to a plough or
a team. The wild animals that roam, have some spirit
of independence. They would starve before they would
tamely submit themselves to arbitrary rule, and government.
Hence it is, that traps are used. It requires
shooting to bring some of them to terms. But an ox
may be goaded into acquiescence. He does not drink
whiskey, it is true; and for that reason, it cannot
be said that whiskey will purchase him; but is there
nothing to be done with good grass? The inticements are
various that might be held out to allure from the independence
of his own judgment.

As to horses voting on the occasion we are speaking
of, so far as matter of fact is concerned, I admit it has
been denied. For, that though a great number of horses
were seen to be ridden up; yet it is usual to go on horseback
to elections, especially when the voters have to
come from some distance; so that the mere circumstance
of being on the ground, is no conclusive evidence of having
given a vote; and this I am the more careful to note,
as in the case of a new government, that like an individual,
has a character, in some measure, to establish, it is of

moment, that what is groundlessly alleged, be explained.
At the same time, I am aware of the impolicy of denying
a thing in toto where there is any foundation;—
were there no other reason that would induce an historian
to adhere to the truth. For even where a man is
pressing a matter that is difficult to be believed, and he
has nothing in truth to concede, he will yield a little, skilfully,
in order to give the impression of candour, and
secure belief to the more important points. How much
more does it behoove a writer to be careful of insisting
on the freedom from all blame on the part of those
whom he advocates, lest that he bring in question the veracity
of his relation, where he has every thing on his side.
I do not therefore say positively, that the inspectors and
judges of the election, in some districts, were not deceived,
and their vigilance baffled; or that they did not
connive. For that would be saying too much, considering
the nature of affairs. The most vigilant cannot always
watch; and the most severe in their notions of the
rights of persons, may indulge. But, granting that some
horse creatures did vote, with their riders on their backs,
does it follow that the inspectors had notice of it; or
that the persons who usually stand by and vouch for the
right of suffrage to the individual, were not to blame.—
They may have announced their names as rational persons;
and under that idea, may have got their votes
taken. I have been the more careful in throwing out
these hints, because if it were once admitted that such
votes did pass, unless surreptitiously, and sub silentio,
it might grow into precedent. And we well know, that
in matters of political and legal law, precedent has the
force of authority. It may be suggested as not fairly
presumable that inspectors and judges could be deceived.
I have seen too much of elections not to think that practice
to be unfair, where an individual, powerful for wealth
or family, is a candidate, or where there is a contest of
party somewhat violent; and unprincipled and daring individuals,
will take their stations, and act as common vouchers
on an election day, as to the name, age, freedom, or
estate of the person who offers a vote. He will be supported
by pugilists, or persons prepared with clubs, who
though they do not actually strike, will menace with this
appearance of force, and intimidate those who might dispute
the vouching that is given. I consider all this
as immoral and unbecoming a good citizen. But I
have seen even inspectors and judges intimidated by
this shew of hostility; and I would not wonder if I were
to hear that under this awe, in some places, improper
votes were taken. Not that I would excuse this timidity
of officers, as lessening it from a misdemeanor, to a
mere neglect of duty. I reprehend both the overawing
and the being overawed in the discharge of a public
trust.

But in justice to the character of the country, I incline
to think after all that has been reported to the contrary,
that instances of beasts voting were more rare than is
imagined; and that a considerable foundation of what has
gone abroad on this head, was the epithets bestowed by
the contending parties calling one another beasts; such
as horses, asses, sheep, buffaloes, oxen, and the names
of other cattle. All this metaphorically, just as persons of
a less polished education, where they dispute on literary
or theological subjects, call each other geese, sucking
pigs, or turkey-buzzards. I have heard even well bred
persons speak of their antagonists after a warm debate,
as wood-peckers and mire-snipes. In political controversies,
it is no uncommon thing to bestow the epithets
of jack-ass. I have heard even an accomplished lady,
use the term monkey, speaking of an individual of the
other sex. It would be endless to enumerate such instances
of the application of terms, that do not in themselves
import the natural form or metamorphose of any
person.

5. CHAPTER V.

THE day of the election being over, people applied
quietly to their usual employments, those of them that
were in a capacity to discharge the duties of their functions.
Some of them were not capable. And amongst
these the visionary philosopher was not in a condition to
present himself at the levee of the Governor; but was in
the hands of the surgeon, having received a blow with a
bludgeon, as he was leading up a merino ram, and insisting
for a vote.

The Governor himself had been indisposed the whole
day of the election, but being now recovered, and the legislature
about to meet shortly, it behooved him to think
of an address to the representative body. This he was
at a loss, whether in the mode of the kings of England,
personally, reading the speech himself or having it read
for him, in his presence, or whether to adopt that introduced
in these states, since the revolution; or rather in
this, a later period of the republican history, by sending
a message, that is, a written document to be communicated
by the Secretary.

The message has the advantage in this, that it is a
departure from the English precedent, which of itself
carries reason. But there is more in it when we consider
that it is more convenient. Because when a man
makes a speech orally, it is not all of it that can be heard
in the crowd that usually assembles on the occasion of
an inauguration. And when it is heard, it is not all of
it that can be recollected. Many things escape the memory.
Whereas when it is by way of written document
it can be heard to his satisfaction; not that it would
be decent to encore it on the floor of the house; but
members can recur to it from time to time, and read it
themselves. In that case, they are not kept so long
standing on their feet, as when it is heard slowly, and
with much ceremony of bringing it forward in the first
instance. For the waiting the arrival of the Governor
that is to deliver the speech; and the arrangements that
must be made for the places of the other officers of government,
and the body of the representatives, is tedious;
and it ought to be a principle in public, as it is in private

life, to consult ease where it answers no good purpose
to take trouble. Almost all unnecessary ceremony
is displeasing to a man of sense. The finest expression
that I have met with on this head, is in the Arcadia of
Sir Philip Sidney. “There was ceremony without being
ceremonious.”

I have some impression in my mind of having quoted
this very expression somewhere else in this or some
other book, but I cannot recollect with certainty, nor
have I time to turn back and examine. It is very possible
that I repeat the same ideas in many places,
but what of that, if a good thing is twice said. This
beautiful remain of the genius of that time, is addressed,
if I remember right, to his sister the Marchioness of
Pembroke. It is of her that the Epitaph is written.

You will say this is a digression. There is no doubt
but it is. But can it be said that I indulge myself much
in this way? On the contrary, are there many writers
that stick closer to their subject than I have in general
done. Besides I would not write a syllable of what I
am now writing, were it not that it is thought necessary,
that I should not leave my book at a short angle; but
round it off, by giving it something like a natural conclusion.
And the truth is, as my ideas are in a great
measure exhausted; I mean those that are near the surface;
I have not time to fish for such as swim in deep
water; or to wait, having taken all that were of a larger
size, until the small fry grow bigger. So that whenever
a thought leads me into a quotation, I do not make a
scruple of conscience, to run after it; especially if I
have any reason to think, upon the small reflection I can
give it, that the quotation will be better than the original
idea that might have taken place of it. So far as respects
my own taste, I read with great pleasure oftentimes
a book, which has not a single idea in it from beginning
to end, except in the quotations. The only

question that is made, will be, is the quotation from a
good author; or does it amuse, or instruct. Nor in
reading good moral observations, or anecdotes of great
men, do I care whether they are in a connected series,
or strung together like Swift's “Tritical dissertation on
the faculties of the human mind.” The apothegms of
Plutarch are somewhat in the same way. The chapters
of Athenæus, and the noctes atticæ of Aulius Gellius, are
of the same rambling sort of composition. Montaigne's
essays also; and some of the introductory chapters of
Henry Fielding. The fact is, that as a regularly bred
cook will shew his skill in the culinary art, by making
a savoury dish out of a bit of soal leather; or a whole
entertainment out of ordinary materials; so, it may depend
upon the manner, more than the matter of what
is said, whether it be acceptable. Unquestionably there
are but few that have the rare talent of saying things
agreeably; and I am not sure that I have shewn that
art in any degree in this book. But what hinders aiming
at it, by those who feel a benevolence of heart, and
wish to please. If any man is amused by any of these
images that I am endeavouring to paint, he will be under
obligation to me, though he may refuse to acknowledge
it. It is allowable towards the end of a book to
digress; and in the manner of old age deal in narrative.
Though I will acknowledge that I have seldom
met with old men who were not apt to digress too much
in their narrations. That old men are more talkative
than those of earlier years, is characteristic. “Garrulous
old age.” But that they are apt to digress is not
so generally noted; though it would seem to me to be
the case, and were it put upon me to account for it,
looking into nature at my own age, I would resolve it
into the multiplicity of ideas as one cause. They are
numerous, and press for utterance; and when a certain
set have had an outlet in part, the speaker suspends
awhile the prosecuting them, and goes back to fetch
others. It would be like Charon in his boat upon the
river Styx, were there an island in it, ferrying a number
of the shades half way; leaving them on the island,
and going back to bring others that distance, who are
crowding on the shore, and anxious to cross. Or like a
mechanic, that has a great number of customers, and
cannot satisfy, but by beginning the work of several, and
carrying it on by pieces; having it in his power to say
to all that their work is on hands.

But I return to say something on the subject of ceremony,
the point from whence we digressed. For the
forms of taking place, or seats, or at least the coming
into the government house, partakes something of the
nature of ceremony in polite assemblies, on other occasions.
All attention to which, and the trouble of it, is
avoided by the transmitting what is to be said, in the
shape of what is called a message, which may be carried
by the secretary and laid on the table.

Having adopted the mode of address by message, it
was prepared, and transmitted to the legislature, now
convened. We have been furnished with an extract of
some part of it, which we shall now introduce.

6. CHAPTER VI.

IT will not be understood, that I am to give the
whole message, at full length; which would be unnecessary,
as I think it is full time, that in the addresses,
or messages of Governors, in most instances, the common
place parts might be omitted; such as what respects
improvements of roads, encouragement of domestic
manufactures, and the making a new militia law, felicitating
on abundant harvests; or complimenting the
administration of the general government, which comes
also under this head. There are many like common place
subjects which it were tedious to enumerate, but which
may, in this instance, be considered as disposed of. We
hasten to the main matter which the Governor touched
upon, the particular situation and affairs of the new government.
I cannot do better than just to make an extract
in his own words. It is the concluding part, and
the plainest in point of expression. For there is a certain
stateliness and dignity in the stile of such compositions
that is excusable in the initiatory, or perambulatory
part, that need not be observed so punctiliously in
what relates to real business Tropes need not rise so
rapidly, nor need these be taken so much from lofty objects
in nature; such as billows of the ocean, or tempests
on the land. All may be simple, like that of information,
or opinion given in common cases.

The extract which we give relates to a matter which
may be supposed to have occupied the mind of his excellency,
the innovations projected by the visionary philosopher
and which had got some footing in the minds
of the people, respecting a change in the extent of suffrage
at elections, and the right of being elected, consequent
upon it. For if any but those under the denomination
of rational persons, could elect, other than rational
persons might be elected. For, similia a similibus
gignuntur. But that he might not give offence, by attacking
a prejudice abruptly, he approached the subject
circuitously, by talking of the promotion of knowledge,
and the establishment of schools. But I continue to talk
of the message, rather than to give it. Here it is, that
part of it that we have spoken of.

“I would not be understood as meaning to insinuate,
even in the most distant manner, a deficiency of natural
understanding, or any extraordinary want of information
in the members of your honourable body. I am the
more careful to suggest this, because of the known prejudices
which the inhabitants of the sea-coasts entertain,
in favour of themselves. Because, from the greater opportunities
they have of ships arriving, they may have
information of the affairs of Europe, sooner than we
have, they may be disposed to attribute this, to a greater
facility of apprehension. And because, they have schools
and colleges of an older foundation, and more accessible
from the propinquity of situation. Hence they are led to
think that their possessing more scientific knowledge is
owing to themselves, and not to this advantage. The truth
is that in point of talent, so far as this includes the capacity
of acquring learning, or judging solidly, I take it the
ultramontane people are before those of the cities or of
the towns, and settlements on the sea-coast: not that in
this case I resolve it into a superior strength of the brain,
so much, as into the circumstance of better air on the
mountains than in the cities; unless indeed I except
those just on the sea-board, and where they have the
benefit of the salt breeze. It may not be that they possess
stronger, but only clearer brain. For if the marshes
and the low grounds, overflowed in some part, with
the rivers, infect the atmosphere with damps, and vapours,
that affect the body, how can the brain, which is
a part of the body, escape, being muddied with what
naturalists call the effluviæ, and physicians, the miasmata,
which are the cause of this? Are the draught cattle of
these places, of the activity of those of the hills? Our
horses are a smaller breed, but they are more alert on a
journey. Our wild beasts in general, are more agile in
their movements, and seem to have more resources of
cunning, and foresight than the tame; but even domesticated
quadrupeds with us seem to be like the human
species, in the same regions; that is, of a superior cast
to the denizens of the low country. No wonder, for the
barometer will shew the difference that exists in the
gravity of the atmosphere. And running, and jumping
itself, is more favourable to clearness of head, than standing
behind a counter, and casting up figures. If I were
to take one of these so employed in order to enlighten
him, the first thing I would do, would be to apprehend

him by the locks, and to set him on the top of a hill, to
look about him for a while. I would shake him well,
before I would set him down to his lesson. A man's
ideas in a shop, are in proportion to the size of the room;
he thinks narrowly, if not meanly, who has not more
than a few yards of prospect for the greater part of the
twenty-four hours in the day. We acquire the magnitude
of surrounding objects, and our conceptions enlarge
by the space that presents itself. Why is it that all
great generals look for the rising and upper ground in
engagements? It is because it improves courage. The
mere circumstance of striking to more advantage, from
the higher part of the inclining plain, is not all. There
is a great deal in the bare imagination. The paradox of
the schools, crede quod habes, et habes, is not true;
but thinking that you can conquer, goes a great way to
give the victory. And the soldier that has his head
higher than his adversary, is led naturally, by a kind of
incalculable impulse, to think that he can subdue him.
I do not wonder, therefore, if upon these reflections, and
ascribing too much to such secret operations of the mind;
derived from the elevation of a range of hills, the visionary
philosopher that has come amongst us, may have
been encouraged to think that even our beasts might be
capable of an extraordinary cultivation. At the same
time, whatever may be my prepossessions in favor of a
reform, I have not been able to entertain sentiments equally
saguine with some worthy citizens, on this particular
I consider it rather the offspring of a disturbed
mind of some sea-coast politician, that has broached this
doctrine, or would induce a community to adopt the hypothesis;
and this, not so much out of respect to the
powers of mind with us, as complimentary to their own
vanity, who have been able to excogitate the imagination.
If it is not rather meditated as an insult, being as
much as to say, the difference is so small between you
and your cattle, that there can be no conclusive reason,
or cogent argument, why you might not be put upon
the same footing. For as the parallax of remote stars
seems small, and we consider them to the naked eye,
as together; so it is in the light of an imputation of inferiority
in the human species here, that I have taken
up the suggestion. For why did they not begin with
their own beasts in the lower country, to ameliorate their
condition, and extend their rights? They have been visionary
enough, in all conscience, with their abolition of
the common law, and other innovations; but they have
not come so far as to talk of naturalizing cattle, strictly
speaking; though some of their naturalizations have
been of very uncouth persons. It is not sufficient that the
heat and moisture of the climate may produce yellow fever
in their towns, but that political pestilences spread
from thence. However able you may be as a body, yet
if a few bullocks, hide and tallow, were actually mixed
among you, by means of the intrigues of these people,
you might become the subject of ridicule, instead of admiration;—No—if
pards and bears are to be admitted to
appear, or officiate in any department of representative
capacity, it ought to be at the bar, where noise may be
better tolerated, and growling may pass for ability. The
late disorderly elections in the districts, was owing to
this very proposition of giving beasts votes; whereas
in the opinion of most persons, if any were sober, on that
day, there were beasts enough on the ground, if I may
be allowed to call them so, in a comparative way of speaking,
who, on these occasions, can reconcile it to themselves
to cheat and to wrangle in support of the frauds
they have committed. It is in this sense of the word
that the Apostle Paul speaks, when he says, he “fought
with beasts at Ephesus;” not as some take it, that he
was exposed to wild beasts, in the amphitheatre, according
to the barbarous custom of the Romans. If all the
election laws that can be framed are ineffectual to restrain
breaches of the peace, even now, while men only
are allowed the privilege of voting, how would it be, if
the elective franchise was enlarged to creatures that
have claws, or horns, or hoofs. The biting, and the
gouging would be encreased; and there would be so
many tame animals at least beaten, and bruised, that
they would be unfit for the services of agriculture which
will leave the husbandmen without the means of tilling
their ground, or getting in their crops. On all these
considerations, the scheme, or project, as it may be better
called, appears to me fraught with inconveniences;
and to be a reform, at this time, not practicable.

“The abuses of the late election, whether any in the
way of improper votes admitted, it would not become
me to insinuate, nor do I insinuate, as to what may have
taken place, but what has been advocated as a possible
reform. You are yourselves judges of the legality of

your own elections; and seeing neither tails among you,
nor manes on any of your shoulders, I take it for granted
you are all men, and have been elected by such. For
though an hundred or two horse votes may have been
counted; or a kid, or a merino ram here, or there, may
have got his nose in the dish, it does not follow that it
has made the difference of a representative in any one
case. The purity of the elective franchise, is the first
gem of liberty; it is the bud at which it breaks forth. If
the frost of fraud blights, no fruit springs from the tree.
The prevention of fraud is the object of the laws; but
the distinguishing the objects of trust, is equally important.
That must remain with the citizens at large.”

The message of his excellency, couched in these wary
words; was, nevertheless, unfavourably received by
the members present, and those of the country attending.
The contortions in the visages of them, expressed disapprobation.
The words aristocracy were muttered.
The physiognomy of some had the appearance of one
whom an inexpert barber was shaving with a bad
razor; there was screwing, and twisting of the features;
and a wry countenance at the greater part of the
words read.

7. CHAPTER VII.

FROM the right of suffrage, to the right of delegation,
the transition was easy; and hence the idea of
admiting beasts to a vote in elections, naturally led to
that of beasts being voted for, and elected to a representative
body. Why not, said an advocate for this policy
Because said an adversary, they cannot speak;
brutum pecus that have no utterance; not even to say
aye, or no. That is the very reason, said the other,
that it behooves to chuse such delegates. What do we
not suffer from the verbiage, and loquacity of members?
A measure of peace or war cannot be carried but
over the belly of a thousand harangues protracted to an
immeasurable length, by orators that know as little of the
subject as a whipperwill, or a jaybird; and yet chatter
continually so as to prevent the question being taken.
Commend me to a brute beast, a buffalo, or sheep that
would chew the cud, and hold its tongue. If there were
at least a mixture of those, there would be fewer
speakers, and take up less time. Unless you
gag a member, he will speak even though no one
would wish him to open his mouth, unless to take a
quid of tobacco. If an elk, or a horse were to speak,
he would make the speach short, if we were to infer
from that pithy speech made by Balaam's ass; coming
to the point at once, and saying all in a few words, that
most of your human orators now-a-days in deliberative
bodies, would chuse to say in a speech of many hours.
These would seem to make conscience of giving quantity
for quality, and this is the only apology that can
be made for interminable rhapsodies. Nor is it enough
that they waste time in speaking, but they must write
out what they have said and trouble the public with
conceptions in the papers; crude as they would seem
to be, and tire some to read. If any one should undertake
to travel through them; it can only be such
as have much leisure on their hands, and at a loss to
know what to do with their time. But the mischief
is not altogether to be avoided by the not reading
them, because the journals are taken up with such
effusions in the place of which something better

might be selected for the public. There is a double
advantage in a brute animal to whom nature had denied
the power of speech, in being a member of congress
because in this casethere is usually denied to
such, the talent of writing speeches. If a member, conscious
to himself of not excelling in extempore eloquence
should hold his tongue, like a dum creature,
yet it is ten to one but he will write speeches that he
has saved from his prolixity, yet the press is
made to groan under the oppression of his verbosity.
Give we a young colt that will say little, rather than a
jackanapes of the human species that will be eternally
on the floor. I am for sending a few asses, not figuratively,
but literally, to our council, who will bray, but
will do no more than bray a reasonable length of time,
and suffer the more intelligent of the members to arrange
and carry through the business. No ass brays
more than a few minutes at a time, unless you pinch
it, or occasion it uneasiness in some way. Whether
is it more against nature to send nominally something
else; but, in fact an ass?

If a beast of the forest should go to the house, he
will not be continually turning his head round to listen,
and to hear what other beasts say of his speeches, or
his vote. He will be more independent of his constituents
that are running at large upon the hills, or
in the pasture, nor will the idea come into his head, that
he is bound by their instructions; a thing inconsistent
with the delegating representatives to think where
they will have a better opportunity of knowing what
is for the good of the commonwealth. If this doctrine
is correct, it is the constituent that stays at home that
is to think, and the representative that goes to a public
body, not to think at all; at least not to make use of
his thoughts; which by the bye, is an argument for
beasts going, and men staying at home. Will the
desire of popularity induce your wild, or tame cattle
to make long speeches or to regard what Tom, Dick,
or Harry may say about their votes? they may be
led to prolong the session for the sake of oats and corn,
which they have in their mangers; but, it will not be by
many words that this will be done. One cause, at least,
of the mischief will be struck away. The desire of
members to retain their seats, and procure a re-election,
will not exist so strong with the denizens of the woods

and fields, who will naturally not have the same attachment
to a house, as human creatures that are accustomed
to be within doors. On all these grounds, there will be
more independence in our councils, and less subservience
to popular opinion. Individuals will not be continually
looking out to see which way the wind blows; nor will they
covet place, and preferment so much, looking out to be
ambassadors; or to have other appointments abroad, or at
home. I am for keeping at home, at least a portion, of
the servile pecus, and sending real cattle to the public
bodies. One advantage farther; there would be no canabalism
in the blockheads of the human shape that are sent
with them, knocking down a member bullock at the end
of a session; nor would there be an inconvenience in riding
a colleague horse home. Sir, said an adversary, your
ject seems to be to burlesque a representative government.
I deny it, said the advocate; it is to burlesque
the abuses of elections, and of the elective franchise.—
If people go to employ a mechanic, or manufacturer of
any sort, they look out for a capable person; one skilled
in the art, or occupation, and with science and experience
requisite for the thing to be made, or the object to be
accomplished. But, to manage the affairs of a nation,
nothing more is sought than simply the being of a party;
or the being capable of being made so by some master
of the drama at home in a village or district. It is never
enquired whether he has two legs or four, provided
he answers the purpose of a junto in a neighbourhood.
Hence—what?
No; stupidity or local selfishness; and words, in order
to hide in the rubbish, the want of ideas.

If that is the case, said the adversary, and you do not
mean to advocate the giving beasts suffrages, or sending
them as representatives, I have no quarrel with you.—
What these people will do, into whose hands it has been
put, is more than I can tell. It is said to be an easy thing
to raise the devil; but to lay him, requires all the art of
the free-mason with a wand, circle, and a black cat.

I do not think it would do any great harm if it was
tried, said the advocate. The truth is, I am so much dissatisfied
with this mischief in sending incompetent persons
to represent us in legislative bodies, talking a long
time and saying nothing, or worse than nothing, that I

must either laugh or cry; and I think it is as well to
laugh; to be Democritus, rather than Heraclitus. But
if there is any remedy for this evil, it must be ridicule;
and I am willing to try my hand a little at it. If a cow
or a horse was chosen, people would begin to think; by
pushing the thing to an extremity, the contrast is better
seen. If a dumb beast should obtain a majority of suffrages,
it would be asked why he did not obtain such a
seat; and it would be answered, because he was dumb;
and in that case could not be a long-speaking member.

But is there no remedy for these things upon principle?
said the adversary. I know of none, said the advocate
unless the having fewer members, might curtail a
little, there not being so many to take up time; or the
putting muzzles on them like young calves; but that
would keep them from eating as well as speaking.—
Ridicule, by sending a young bull to the house, because
he would hold his tongue; except bellowing a
little, will, I take it, be found the ultimate remedy. A
very few members, were they so disposed, would take as
much time as the greater number, unless there were so
very few that they could not relieve each other when out
of breath. Loquacity is the fashion of the day; and I
wish to bring taciturnity back again, which has been out
of date almost since the school of Pythagoras. I will
have, at least, a reasonable proportion of dumb creatures
put up at our elections, and sent to the representative
bodies.

This was a dialogue, aside, between the advocate for
the eligibility of beasts, and the individual who opposed
it; it had little effect, one way or the other, not being in
the presence of the multitude.

8. CHAPTER VIII.

THE people were naturally led from the idea of
property giving the right of suffrage, to that of the property
itself exercising this right; and herds and flocks
propria persona, coming forward viva voce, or with a
ticket; and this by an association of ideas, introduced
that of being capable of being elected. But it did not
occur to them until suggested, that the representative is
chosen, or in contemplation of the constitution, supposed
to be chosen for his superior knowledge and information
over that of the constituent. At least it ought to be
a principle upon which the selection is founded. And
in the original of the English constitution, we find the
representatives were called the wittena gemote, or the
assembly of the wise men. Nor when it was suggested,
did it stick much with them. Nevertheless, they
thought it not amiss to give the beasts some education;
provided their nature was improvable, which, from what
was heard of the learned pig, could not longer remain
doubtful.

says the poet. This being the case, it might be tried
how far a four-footed creature could be taught the arts
and sciences, or instructed in the principles of morality,
or the rules of good breeding; not to go so far as to constitute
colleges, and academies for their use; but common
reading and writing, or, perhaps, arithmetic as far
as the rule of three.

There are philosophers who assert, with great plausibility,
that the highest powers of reasoning, are but a
gradation from vegetable life. If so, it must be a greater
start from the tendril of a vine to a vernacular substance
than from the creeping thing to that which walks
on all fours. From thence to the human species, is a
leap not more extraordinary. That man may have been
once an oyster, was the opinion of Darwin; but that he
might have been at least a ground squirrel, was the opinion

of the visionary philosopher. Of this character I
have already made honourable mention, in my introduction
to the history of the beasts voting. He was sanguine
in the undertaking to instruct and civilize the brutes.
Nay, to fit them for offices, and the discharge of trusts
in the community. He had caught a young panther,
and, with a chain about its neck, had put it to study law
with a young man of that profession, who wishing to get
forward in business, thought it would do him no harm,
though it might not do the panther much good.

There were those who bore testimony against this, being
of opinion that lawyers were bad enough, even when
made of the best materials. They were supported in
this opinion by some reflecting persons who could not
conceive that this animal could ever be made capable of
explaining a matter to a jury; or stating a point of law
to the court. What is it, said the philosopher, whether
he may ever be able to explain himself intelligibly at
the bar. Cannot he grin, bite, squeal, and shake his
tail? Is it with sense, that a jury, or a court, are always
moved most? I wish to prove that reason goes but a
little way to make learned counsel. The main matter
is to satisfy the client; who will be oftentimes better
pleased to lose his cause in the hands of one that will
make a noise, than to gain it by him who says little. At
least he will have less scruple in paying him. For he
will not say, you had not much trouble; you said but a
word or two; not considering that a rifle shot, is more
certain and deadly than any quantum of sound.

An ecclesiastic was at hand, who had an antipathy to
vociferators, being himself a man of a weak voice; and
took this opportunity to express himself against declaimers.
It is true, said he, the sound of rams' horns blew
down the walls of Jericho; but that was a most extraordinary
blast.—

And not to be drawn into precedent, said a lawyer who
was by.

It was an extraordinary blast, continued the ecclesiastic.—

But the human voice is stronger than any wind, said
the visionary philosopher. No wind blowing will shock
an army like that of the shout of a main body about to
engage, though since the invention of gunpowder, except
among the savages, shouting is not in practice.

The blowing down the walls of Jericho with the sound
of a ram's horn, resumed the ecclesiastic, was a most extraordinary
blast. But recollect, that in another part of
the scripture it is said, “the Lord was not in the whirlwind,
but in the still small voice.”

9. CHAPTER IX.

WERE it imposed upon me as a task, by some republic,
to educate a number of young persons to be orators,
in order to introduce a good taste for public speaking,
I would begin with the understanding. What? not with
the heart; it will be said. I take that to be the same
thing. For I know no difference between good sense,
and virtue, except that the one is the judgment of what
is virtuous, and the other the practice. I take a knave
and a fool to have only this difference, that the fool is a
knave in his transactions without meaning to be so; the
other intends it. Or, if this way of putting the argument
will not be understood, I say that every man who
knowing the right, intends the wrong, is not wise; that
is, a fool. Above all things, give me a good judgment
as the foundation of morals: and the communicating
knowledge is strengthening the judgment.

I admit that there is such a thing as being of a bad
stock; and the moral qualities are as communicable as
the physical constitution, or the features. Hence it is,
that I would look to the stock in the selection of subjects;
but still more to the physiognomy of the youth
himself. For I think it possible that Curran, who cannot
but have a good heart, yet may be of a germ from one of
the worst stock that ever trod the bogs. I should have
a great curiosity to trace his ancestry. I say, I cannot
think but that he must have a good heart; because it is
impossible for a cold heart to be warm; and a heart to be
warm that has not a love of virtue. His eloquence is to
me prima facie proof at least, that he is benevolent.

But pursuing my observations on the main point, I
say, to form an orator I would cultivate the understanding.
What is eloquence, but good sense expressed in
clear language. The vox, et preterea nihil; voice
without sense, is provoking. I grant that sound may do
a great deal; but it is but as the rushing wind. The effect
of a persuasive speech is like the moving force of
waters. The tide rises without noise; but the effect is
irresistible.

By the precepts of one whose experience has enabled
him to judge of these things, a bad habit may be prevented

or corrected. But it is the application only that can confirm
the precepts. Hence it is that there is no forming an
orator, but when the attaining some object by the speaker
elicits his powers. A man that has his life at stake,
and what is next to this, has his daily bread to get by his
mouth, will not miss the thought, the word, the pathos
to accomplish his purpose. Hence it is that the bar is
the only school in our government for real eloquence.—
In the deliberate assemblies, the speaker is thinking of
his constituents, and is a slave sent forward to serve a
party founded at home. I would sooner drag a cart than
be a representative upon such conditions. Hence it is
that a man of talents has no prospect in a public body,
but to make himself unpopular; unless on some occasion
when the people are alarmed for themselves, and
party and intrigue is put down by the danger of the
occasion. It is thus in a storm, or other perils in life,
abilities are in request. At other times they are the object
of envy, and combination to bring down.

Application to any science, and the acquisition of
knowledge in general, is a drudgery in the first stages;
and hence it is natural for the youth to excuse himself;
and to hope that by the more easy exertion of his lungs,
and the blowing of his mouth, he can supply the defect
of thought. It is vexatious to the person who has laboured
to acquire knowledge, and has been led to depend
upon the effect of solid reasoning, to find that blustering
will go as far as it does; but it ought to be his consolation
and he will literally find it the fact, that of solid
talents, it may be said, as it is said of truth, great is the
force thereof, and it will prevail.

For solidity in mental talent is truth; and the appearance
of intellect where it is not, is the false.

One of the best things that I ever heard by a lawyer
to excuse himself to his client for having misled him in
defending, or bringing a suit, I forget which, where he
ought not; was, on the honest man saying, did you not tell
me I had the law on my side? And did I not tell the
court so too? said the lawyer. Did you? said the client.
Yes. The man could say no more. It would have
been unreasonable; especially as the advocate had made
as much noise as any one could reasonably expect in
asserting his conceptions. But had he been informed

properly in his profession, his embarrassment might not
have occurred, nor his presence of mind rendered it necessary;
which, as it is what one cannot always command
it may be well to be without the necessity of it.—
Not that I mean to say, that any powers of intellect can
anticipate what may be the way of thinking of a court
and jury. There is such a thing as a by stander thinking
differently from both. But that in general the public
judgment, both as to merits of the cause, and the ability
of those who manage or dispose, goes according to the
truth. This is a consolation to the industrious; and the
diligent student who places his dependence on solid, not
on shewy qualifications.

At the same time, the garnishing is not to be neglected.
The voice is capable of formation in point of sweetness
as well as force. In point of sweetness, by diligent
attention, and lending the ear to those who speak musically;
in point of force, by exercise alone. It is as necessary
to observe the key at which to begin to speak, as
for a musician in singing; so that he may retain the command
of his voice under every passion to be expressed.
It is to be observed that reading well is a different talent
from speaking; and does not altogether depend upon
equal cultivation. I leave this to be accounted for; I
only repeat the fact.

Action is the last; the ancients thought not least advantage
of a speaker. That can be true only of the oratory
proper for a popular assembly. That must be extremely
guarded and chastised, that is used at the bar. For
the least suspicion in the minds of a jury, that the passions
are attempted, will excite distrust of even a good
argument, and injure it. At the same time, while human
nature is susceptible of the impressions of grace
and dignity, the manner of an orator must have a great
effect. Hence it is that I recommend even attention to
dress; not so much in the cloth, as in the fullness, and
flowing of the vestment, which appears to make the orator
loom more.

I have an impression of having treated upon these
particulars in the preceding pages, and that I may seem
to repeat. But if any one finds fault, I charge him home
with an expression of the scripture, “line upon line, precept
upon precept, here a little, and there a little.” It
may be said that some of my lines, and precepts, and
littles, may be pretty good; but that there is a great deal

of trash. That this may be the case, I have acknowledged
heretofore. But would the more valuable be
read without the less? I applied to a hatter the other
day to make me a hat; and requested him to make me
one entirely of beaver, and not to mix racoon. The truth
is, I thought he would charge me as much for the one as
the other, and therefore I might as well have the best.—
But he informed me that a little racoon mixed with the
beaver would make a better hat than one all beaver. It
may be so with my book, which is calculated for all capacities;
and a mixture of images drawn from high and
low life, with painting serious and ludicrous, may conduce
to the being more read; and lasting longer in the
world. Or should it not be read, and that object fail, it
is amusing to one's self to indulge variety; to discumb
and to rise.

10. CHAPTER X.

A Yankee trick in the mean time had been discovered,
disgraceful to the land of steady habits, even though
it was at the expense of the English government; and
they might be considered as deserving no favour, and
scarcely fair dealing. But it is one thing to merit punishment,
by retributary injury, and another, to have the right
of inflicting it. Hearing that the scalps of families of the
United States, were in request in Canada, a premium
being paid for these, by the British government, two
young men of Connecticut, having entered into partnership,
devised the scheme of cutting up into patches of
a proper size, with the hair on, the furs of muskrats,
and martins newly flayed, with a view to make the appearance
of green scalps; and to vend them to John
Bull. They were called to an account before the Chief
Justice; they justified themselves on the ground, that
the British government in Canada were in the habit of
counterfeiting treasury notes, and bank bills of the United
States; and why not forge or counterfeit scalps, in
return? Could John Bull complain that false scalps
were passed upon him, for which his premium in gold
and silver was received; since this was done without actually
scalping a human being. The Chief Justice did
not see well what could be said to this defence. It
was a kind of retaliation, and might have the effect of
lowering the price of scalps, and thereby reduce the demand,
which would in that degree lessen the taking
them. It might also contribute to breed a difference between
them and their scalp-taking auxiliaries, or allies,
by an imputation upon Tecumsey as privy to the fraud.
For scalps having got into the market, it could not readily
be distinguished what had been sold by the Indian
tribe, or by brother Jonathan trading with his cart. On
these foundations of public policy, the young men were acquitted,
and dismissed, but it was recommended to them,
to be cautious in the business, and not to scalp any human
person by mistake, especially of that settlement. If they
should scalp a few Johnny Bulls of their own country,
who justified old John in all things, it would not be so
much matter. But to license such a thing on the part

of the government would not do; or even to go so far as
to give it countenance; because in carrying the thing
into effect, great abuses might take place. If it could
be confined to leaders, O— P—, &c. &c. &c. it
would be of little moment. Old Bull, it is true, might
resent the fraud doubly, as taking his own scalps to palm
them upon him for those of the democrats.

A little round Englishman, who had been tooth-drawer
to a lap-dog, but was now in this country, said it would
have been determined otherwise, according to the law of
nations, by a court in England.

11. CHAPTER XI.

IT being some time since the preceding part of this
memoir has been published, and an opportunity given of
hearing the strictures, and criticisms, that have been
made, or that passed upon it; it has not escaped the
knowledge of the author, that some have thought the
particulars, in some instances, extravagant, and bordering
on the incredible; which is contrary to the maxim
of sticking at least to an appearance of truth. But how
can any one undertake to say what is extravagant, or
what is incredible? Who is there at this day, who will
call in question the truth of the rise and progress of the
Corsican adventurer; and yet this borders upon the marvellous.
At a future day, when the lights of history have
been obscured, who knows but his adventures, when
written, may be laid on the same shelf with that of Amadis,
of Gaul; Don Bellianis, of Greece; or a small book,
entitled, the history of the seven Champions of Christendom?
It is in the cards, to use a phrase taken from the
gamblers, and not at all improbable, that his fall may be
as rapid, and not less extraordinary than his ascent.[1]

It is perhaps somewhat owing to a defect in the narration,
that an air of improbability is thrown upon a history
by not entering sufficiently into a detail of the transactions.
There is a remarkable instance of this, in the
history of the American war, by Ramsey, in which he
notices the capture of three vessels, and 1500 men of the
British by a stratagem. Perhaps not 1500, for I have
not the book before me; but certainly some hundreds.
All this by four of a Georgia regiment, and an old negro,
a waiter. It was in all the Gazettes of the time;
but the details were not given. It is also mentioned by
General Lee, in his memoirs; who, though he gives
some particulars, yet is not minute in his statement of
the circumstance. There is no doubt of the fact, however;
nor would it appear doubtful to any one, provided

the circumstances were minutely stated, which led to the
success. But it is not consistent with the object of this
work, to introduce this narrative by way of episode. I
mention it only as an instance, that the improbable is not
always false. The study of brevity, is a cause of the
omission of incidents; an unwillingness to detain the reader.
And yet the great charm of ancient historians, is the
minuteness of painting. But I will say for myself, and
at the same time, it may be an apology for other historians,
that the extreme study of brevity arises frequently
from too much sensibility to public opinion; too great
a fear of wearying the reader. We are not sure that
what we relate is of sufficient importance to engage attention;
and we endeavour to crowd the more into a
narrow space. This is an attempt to make up by condensing,
what the material itself wants in its quality.

But the want of probability has not been an observation
in the mouths of all readers of this work. On the
contrary, it has been thought by some, that the incidents
have been all common and natural, that there is nothing
improbable in them; and that the triteness of occurrence,
rather than the unusual, and extravagant, ought to
be the objection. What extraordinary can there be, say
some, in such a creature as Teague O'Regan receiving
appointments to office, or being thought qualified for the
discharge of the highest trusts? Do we not see instances
every day of the like? Is it possible to say how
low the grade of human intellect that may be thought
capable of transacting public business? It will be seen
in the subsequent part of this narrative that the joke has
been carried farther than the lowest possible capacity of
what is found amongst men; not just a block of wood,
for that would be assigning intellectual functions to an
inanimate substance. And yet, even this has not been
without a parallel in the history of the human mind, as
to what has been one subject of the belief of nations. Did
not some even make gods of stocks and stones, assigning
to them celestial natures, and placing them above a
mortal existence? Under this impression some have
been forward enough to tell me, that, so far from my
bog-trotter being a burlesque upon human credulity, and
pretension to office, that the bulk of men in office are
below even his qualifications; and that if I were to go
into any deliberative body, and pull out the first man that
occurred to me, nine times out of ten I would find that

I had a Teague O'Regan by the tail. I have no idea
that things are just brought to this pass, notwithstanding
there may be colour for the allegation. For undoubtedly
there is nothing in which men are less disposed to
question their fitness, than in what regards the endowments
of the mind. A horse not a hunter, will not leap
a five-bar gate, nor attempt a ditch of the same number
of feet in width, unless he is greatly pushed by the rider.
For the animal will have the sagacity to look and compare
the distance with what he has been accustomed to
surmount. But such is the sanguine temperament of
the human mind, that who is there that does not think
himself equal to any undertaking? This is the moral of
this book, and the object of setting the example of the
bog-trotter before the people; not as what is universal
in every instance of a candidate for office; but as an instance
of what is too common, and which ought to be
avoided rather than imitated. For be assured, that so
far as my observation goes, it is not the way to happiness,
to court an advancement by a rise that is unnatural
or to think of being respectable by the mere possession
of office, or delegation. The point of honour in
such case, is rather that of a private station. But it is
experience only, that, with an individual, or with the public,
can sufficiently establish a conviction of this truth.

It will be said, why has the narrative been so long
suspended? For it is now some years since the history
had been brought down to the Captain with his pedeseque
coming to the settlement; and the sequel of the history
begins at that point. The fact is, it was not suspended,
as to the writing; but only as to the publication.
For it will be seen that the incidents had not only occurred
in the years 1805-6, but that they had been committed
to paper, with the observations accompanying them,
nearly at that time. For it was in those years that the
convulsion of public opinion took place, with regard to
the formation of a new constitution; and that we had that
great struggle in this state to preserve ours; with analogy
to which, the disquietude of the public mind, in the
new government, has been depicted. For the passions of
men being always the same, under like circumstances,
they will shew the like ebullitions. It must be admitted
that under this new government, the reverses, as they
may very properly be stiled, were much more extravagant.
And if it is considered as having a relation to

what has happened, elsewhere, or has actually happened
any where, it must appear outre, as the French stile it,
and beyond the life. And therefore in the application,
I give notice, that it is to be taken cum grano salis, or
with a reasonable drawback. Nullum simile est idem;
nor does every picture run upon all fours. There is a
likeness, and a better likeness; a resemblance, and an
exact picture. But a caricatura is not to come under
the rules of painting from the life, or to the life; but on
the contrary, of giving you to know what is intended;
but at the same time, shewing you something different
from the thing itself; in other words, suppressing the
beauties, and giving the faults. For, where the graces,
and the deformities are mixed in the object, you are apt
to fall in love with the deformities, for the sake of the
graces. The use therefore of the caricatura, is to put
the deformities by themselves, that they may cease to
be the object of imitation. Did any one ever see an imitator
who did not copy the defects, even though he did
not mean to do it? I say nothing of Alexander's courtiers
having their necks awry; for that is a common place
illustration. But I myself once knew an orator, a man
of great powers, who had a kind of grin when he spoke;
this, accompanied by some very noble flights of fancy, was
rendered pleasing by what followed; but when catched
by the imitator, was displeasing. So that what took
place in this state, being followed, and carried to excess
in the new government, would seem scarcely the same,
though it might be evident that it was the same, not in
degree, but in kind. But it is with a view to serve future
times, that these things are handed down. For the
cupidity of man still continuing the same, the like convulsions
at no distant day will occur, and unless well
managed, will terminate in the overthrow of liberty.
For it is only by the permanence of establishments that
are constituted on the basis of freedom, that liberty can
be preserved. And if constitutions once come to be
played with, like battle-dores, there is an end of stability.
Every new man, must have a new constitution; for he will
wish one to suit himself; and he will have no doubt but
that he can make one, that will at least have in it what
he wants.

Will there be any end to the projects of innovators, in
matters of law, and government; especially where the
most uninformed are equally entitled to an opinion with

those of the greatest experience, or the deepest thought?
And to exclude any from the right of having an opinion
in public affairs is impracticable, consistent with the enjoyment
of liberty. The principle of the right must be
acknowledged; what is more, it must be preserved, and
cultivated. It is only by reason, or by ridicule, that what
is excessive in the exercise of the right, and erroneous
in the deductions of the mistaken, can be corrected.

In the propagation of a new religion, or in a new
tenet of a particular faith, what is moderate will be less
likely to prevail in the opinions of men. The absurd is
always the most popular, and this upon the principle
that artificial tastes are stronger than the natural; and
what produces the greatest excitement, is most pleasing
to the mind. Hence it is that mere morality, and the
dictates of nature and truth in the conduct of men, are
undervalued in comparison of the dogmata of fanatical
faiths. Unintelligible reveries are better relished in the
pulpit than just reasoning on the principles of right and
wrong in the actions of men; and incomprehensible theological
disquisitions are put into the hands of young
people, as more substantial food for the mind than precepts
of moral truth, which every step in life will bring
into practice, and explain.

12. CHAPTER XII.

THE altercations which took place, were almost general
with all ranks of the community, for the perfectibility
of man and beast. And whereas some taking the
side of the men, and others of the beasts, dwelt pretty
much at large in their harangues, upon the want of
talent, in the bulk of the community to execute offices,
or discharge trusts; so with others, whose argument was
the indiscriminate capacity of all persons, it was contended
that there was no man so destitute of natural powers
as not to be fit for any office. Nay what is more, that
even less than what men in general possess, might suffice.
As it is the nature of all contraries to run to opposite
extremes, so it was even at length carried so far
that some undertook to sport an opinion that even that
degree of mother wit which some beasts possess, might
suffice. In the heat of debate, in the warmth of argument,
it was insisted on that the experiment ought to be
made. Why did not the Governor appoint some quadruped
to office, and see the result? Was there ever
any thing ascertained in matters of government, but from
experience? Experience was the test of government.
We did hear of horses and sheep being in office. This
was meant as abuse; and might be the cause why a prejudice
had been entertained in making these actually,
and bona fide officers of government, or members of the
legislature.

It contributed much to give currency to this way of
thinking, that about this time there came a visionary man
from the seat of the general government, who was called
the visionary philosopher; and well indeed he might
be so called; for he had adopted the opinion of the practicability
of the civilizing beasts, and making them members
of the community. It was with a view to reduce
this system to practice, that he had made an excursion
to the new country, conceiving that prejudice in favour
of the old system, would be less likely to be in a new
country. He had been several months broaching the matter
amongst the common people, which is always the
way with innovators, before he thought proper to wait
upon the Governor, and to broach it. This he had at

length done. The Governor, as we have seen, was a
man of that mildness of character that he did not decline
a conversation on the subject, though he thought
it extremely absurd. But affecting to listen to his reasonings,
he answered him at length with some abruptness
but in a tone of voice softened as much as the nature
of the reply would admit.

It is a wild project, said he; but I see it must be tried.
The people will have their way, and restraint will
but dam up the current, and produce a flood that will
produce an inundation, and carry all before it.

13. CHAPTER XIII.

NOTWITHSTANDING the governor's opinion
seemed to be against him, yet the visionary philosopher
still persisted in his idea that the brutal nature was capable
of cultivation, if not in moral qualities, yet so far
as respected the acumen ingenii or the powers of the understanding.
He had before this time, turned his attention
to the instituting an academy, where he had a number
of animals, of different species, and amongst them
some squirrels which he had put to study Algebra. Harum
Scarum, thought, he had better have begun with
music, and taught them to play the fiddle. No jibe,
or jeer could move the visionary man from his purpose.
He argued that it had been the case with all experiments,
that the bulk of mankind were incredulous to the first essays.
And hence it was that in medicine, quacks had led
the way in all improvements. In the profession of the
law, precedent had enslaved. In mathematics, Erra Pater
that wrote the book of knowledge, was thought a visionary
man, though since his time greater credit has
been attached to the casting nativities. The diving bell
was an invention of Sir William Phips of New England,
and no one had faith in the success of it until he actually
explored the galleon at the Bahama Islands, and shewed
the treasure he had got from it. Paracelsus died with
the secret in his mouth, of the elixir of longevity, owing
to which accident, it is perhaps, that men do not live
now to the age of a thousand years. Parrots, jays and
black birds have been taught to speak; and why not
squirrels and racoons?

With these reasonings in his head, he was busy in
structing certain quadrupeds in their gesticulations, and
grimaces, that had the appearance occasionally of disputants.
The chattering which some of them exhibited,
sounded not a great deal unlike,

Terms which logicians use.

A number of horned cattle in an inclosure, he was engaged
in disposing to take the floor in turns like members
of a legislative body. He had employed a stenographer

to take down their speeches in short hand. With
these he could use the same liberty that he had been used
to take, with members of the human species, which was
to make the speeches; or at least to new model them in
such a way, as to be a caricature, or an improvement.
Stenographer, said I; for I had the curiosity to visit this
menagerie; when you make a speech for a bear, as for instance,
for that Bruin which I see chained, you will be
careful, to make it rough, surly and congruent to nature.
The lowing of the cow, and the roaring of the bull, must
be translated, into loud sounds, very different from the
mewing of the cat, or the squealing of the pig.

By all means, said he, every thing in character. Now
said I, with respect to a legislature of beasts, it will not
be thought a matter of ridicule, to paraphrase what is
said as spoken by a buffaloe; or to insinuate the insignifience
of a member by calling him a ewe or an ass; or to
designate his heaviness in a debate by saying he is a
horse; for in this case, all things will be without figure,
and the truth.

However, the people thought the man deranged; and,
it would seem to me, not without reason; especially
when he had incurred considerable expense, in purchasing
up subjects of tuition. He had trappers in the woods;
and horse jockies employed to pick up lively colts that
might seem to be of parts, and scarcely a drover passed
through the settlement, with black cattle or swine, but
he was bartering for a calf, or a shoat.

Application had been made to a magistrate for an order
to confine him on a habeas corpus: he was brought before
the chief justice, and made his defence.

Chief justice, said he, though you are blind, in a
certain meaning of the term, yet I flatter myself, you can
see pretty plainly into this matter. It does not follow that
because a man is deficient in one sense, he is destitute of
another. On the contrary it is well known by observers
of human nature, that where one sense is denied, the remaining
become stronger. Even where an arm or a
limb is lost, of the human body, the arm or the limb
which remains, acquires an increase of power as if to supply
the want. Would Tiresias have ever passed for a
prophet if he had not wanted outward sight; or would
Meonides, have written his rhapsodies, or Milton his
divine poem?

So much the rather thou celestial light shine inward,

and the mind through all her powers irradiate; there
plant eyes; all mist from thence, purge and disperse.

Not that I suppose that a man has equal advantage in
describing an object, who has never seen it, but takes
his impressions from the description of others. For it
must be rare, if a thing at all in nature, that a man can
be a poet who is born blind; but having lived to a considerable
age with his eye-sight, and received all the images
of things upon his mind, from the originals themselves,
it may be possible for him; nay it may be with
advantage over others, that he can recollect these, and
become more familiar with them in a reflex view, than
if he was disturbed with the images themselves renewed
from without. Certain it is that a man can think more
deeply and closely, with his eyes shut, than if he opened
them on surrounding objects. Darkness and silence
are favourable to contemplation.

Philosopher, said the chief justice, you do not seem to
be a plain man in regard to thinking closely. You wander
from the point. You are to be informed that you
have been taken into the keeping of the law, not as a bad
man, but as one standing in need of a protector, conceiving
you under the calamity of being a little deranged in
your nervous system, from a fever possibly, or some
cause, which constitutes a malady, not a crime. The enquiry
is whether you are in your right mind; a suspicion
to the contrary of which is excited by your congregating
cattle and wild beasts, in order as you say, to civilize
them, and make them members of society.

Experiments of this kind have with great difficulty
succeeded with the savages. And indeed, where they
have succeeded, it has been chiefly to the southward,
where the system is more relaxed, and the temper mild.
It appears madness in the abstract, to talk of humanizing
brutes, that are behind savages, and at a great interval.

That I deny, said the philosopher. Haud magno, intervallo—said
the latin schoolmaster.

I say that many of the human species are not before
the brutal.

“Man differs more from man than man from beast.”

These things are figuratively spoken, said the chief
justice. In poetry or prose, the meaning is no more
than that a portion of our species, have so far degraded

themselves by obedience to the sensual appetite, that
like beasts they lose the face erect to heaven, and constantly
looking down upon their tables, without mental
enjoyment; or, that from a neglect of the cultivation of
moral reason, they may seem to want but the horn or the
hoof, to be like the cattle that graze the commons. This
is no more than the sentiment of Plato, which with the
expression in which it is clothed, is given by Longinus,
as an example of the sublime.

I am not just so far lost to reason, said the philososopher,
as to take figures for realities. I know that a
figure is but a short simile; or fable hit off in a few
words; and that orators, or satyrists among the poets,
or philosophers in their moral essays, by their burstings
and castings, mean no more than to dissect insignificance
or degradation, or sensual indulgence. It is not their
intention to communicate the idea that men actually become
quadrupeds; though I have seen some not far
from it. But still this does not affect the question, how
far the nature of beasts may be improvable. But admitting
the absurdity of the attempt, and that it carries
with it a presumption of derangement of the brain, is the
insanity prejudicial to the community? It can be but time
thrown away, which supposing me a man beside myself
cannot be of great value. I purchase all my stock that I
employ my pains upon, with the exception of a few that
have been bestowed to me. I had a present made me
of an elk from the mountains. This I am forming for an
ambassador, for which if he does not turn out fit, he can
be disposed of to a museum. Why should it be thought
impossible to instruct the four-footed creatures, and render
them capable of suffrage, if not of office? I have a
great deal of trouble with them in my school, it is true,
for they are apt to play truant. A young fox broke off
the other day, and I have not been able to recover him.

The discipline which I find it necessary to enforce is
not the mildest. I use a pretty rude ferule; and I have
occasion to exert authority, to quicken parts and application.

If I succeed, in bringing these sans culottes to be
good citizens, I shall have deserved well of the republic;
and if I should fail, no one's labour is lost but my
own. Experiments in every other way are indulged;
and even patents granted, where the invention has but
the appearance of succeeding. Why may I not be allowed

to turn my attention to the making a justice of the
peace out of an elk, or a judge out of a buffaloe, if the
thing is possible? Especially, as instead of making a
demand for my production, if I should be so fortunate
as to be able to furnish these out of my manufactory, it
will cost the state nothing for the education, and as to
the officers themselves, the forage will be less expensive;
in some cases a few tufts; in others, a little grain
will suffice. If a horse-judge is invited to dine, a peck of
oats, of grass or corn, and a bundle of hay in the stable and
truss of straw to litter him at night, will be all that will
be wanted. This will be a great saving to poor rogues
that may wish to have it said that a judge dined with
them; not that they care for the judge, but that people
may think they have the law on their side. I say that hospitality
in this way, will be less expensive, and economy,
if not a moral, is at least a political virtue.

But independent of these contingent advantages and
barely possible, if you please, advantages, the money circulated
in the settlement by this instruction; or a college
of any kind which cannot but bring money, must increase
the value of property.

This last argument was popular, and struck the croud,
de circumstantibus. Several counsel present, as friends of
the court put in a word, catching at popularity, and gave
their opinions that they knew of no statute in the case; and
that, by the common law, every man had a right to traffic
in such purchases; and that no enquiry could reasonably
be made when a man bought a pig, whether he meant to
make a scholar of him, or a barbecue.

The chief justice inclined to be of the same opinion,
and the prisoner was enlarged.

14. CHAPTER XIV.

IT is a melancholy consideration to consider how
nearly the brutal nature borders on the human; because
it leads to a reflection that the difference may be in degree,
not in kind. But on the most diligent consideration
that I have been able to give the subject, it would
seem to me, that no reasonable doubt can exist of there
being a distinction in kind. The brutal creation is not improvable
beyond a certain limit; and that limit is reached
at an early period, without pains taken to inform. The
mind of a beast grows up to its size as naturally as its
body. And though the capacity of a man of a very heavy
nature may seem not a great deal beyond that of a
sagacious quadruped of some species; yet it is capable
of continual enlargement; and, at the latest years of his
life, until perfect superanuation, is susceptible of new impressions.
If the strength of judgment in comparing
objects, cannot be improved; yet the sphere of thinking
can be extended. His ideas can be infinitely increased
What carries with it the appearance of virtue, in a
faithful quadruped, seems to be the feeling of its nature,
and not the result of any reflex sentiment of duty and obligation.

Except certain noises, peculiar to their natures, and of
which all of the species are possessed, as soon as they receive
existence, and which is an untaught language, we
have no evidence of ideas in their minds annexed to
sounds. Much less is there a capacity of a variation of
articulation to any extent, worth mentioning. A traveller
of good sense, who has seen the Cafrarian; or whatever
other species, under the denomination of the creature
man, at the lowest grade, would not despair if
it was imposed on him as a condition to reserve himself
from slavery or death, that he must take a young person
from amongst that people, and teach it any language,
or science, or abstract principle of knowledge; but if it
was made the condition that he should take the seemingly
most intelligent of the quadrupeds of the countries he
has visited, and teach any thing like what is called a rational
acquisition, he would say the attempt is not worth

making, it is impossible. The seven wise masters
or mistresses of Greece, alluding to a popular book
under that title; the philosophers of antiquity, or of
modern times, employed for an indefinite space,
would never teach him more in reality than he possessed
in the woods from whence he came. He might
be taught to connect certain movements of the body with
those shewn him; and by imitation led to make them,
under fear of a whip, but that is all. It is humiliating to
think that brutes of whose post-existence we have no
hope, have even so near an approach to our natures.—
But it is consolatory that there seems to be something
like demonstration that they are so far behind: that it is
not in degree of intellect, but in kind, that they differ;
and that that difference is so immense, that it is not unreasonable
to entertain the idea of a totally different destination
This is reasoning from the laws of nature as to
the destination of the human mind, and on which the philosopher
must dwell with pleasure, as aiding what
those who believe in revelation adduce as the grounds of
their faith. For there can be no philosopher, who, whatever
doubts he may have of religion, can be without a
wish that it may be true. What is it more than being
certain of what, even supposing it not to be revealed, yet
the imagination of a man would contrive for himself as
painting his glory, and his happiness? What is that which
we call revelation, but a system of ideas representing a
prospect ennobling to our natures; and which, if not revealed,
must at least be the conception of great and good
minds intent on what would constitute the grandeur and
felicity of the creature man.

We have no means of getting at the exercise of the mind
of a beast; so that we cannot say what may be the limit of
their cogitations. But no one observing them has ever
been able to trace any thing like an idea of what they
have been; or a fear of what they may be. No uneasiness
of mind seems to hang upon them from this source.
Yet this anxiety is given so strong to our nature that it
is the constant subject of our thoughts: our reasonings
concerning it are infinite; our aerial castles which we
build, even where they are the mere effect of imagination,
are without end. We people all nature with beings
for ourselves, even where we are not. What
might have been the agonies anterior to the time of
Moses, in Egypt, and other parts of Africa, we cannot

ascertain; but from the history of the Jews, we have
considerable information relative to that of Syria; at least
of Palestine, the part of Syria, more immediately adjoining.

The heathen mythology, particularly so denominated,
presents an immense scope; and which, with the poets,
is yet preserved. It is a part of a learned, or even of a
polite education, to be made acquainted with this system
in order to understand the allusion of the fine writers
ancient and modern. What an immense exercise,
and employment of the human mind must it not have
been to build up such a system. However false we may
suppose this peopleing with celestial powers, or earthly
divinities, it cannot but be consolatory to reflect that it
makes a boundary at all times distinct, between the human
mind, however in darkness, and that of what we consider
the mere animal creation.

We have but partial and obscure information of the
systems of other nations, contemporary with the Greeks
and Romans. But we see in what we have of these, the
like evidence of activity, pressing beyond the bounds of
what we see before our eyes, and fashioning to our minds
images of existence. The nature of these, is usually a
proof of the duration and refinement of a people.

Where the imagination was limited by the doctrines of
revelation under the Mosaic, or Christian dispensation;
as to the unity of the deity, and ministers of good or
evil to man, how unlimited have been the excursions of
the fancy, and the subtleties of the intellect, in the subdivisions
of credence. The Talmud and the Targum of
the Jews present us an immense field. The polemic
divinity of the christian schools, is more within our knowledge;
taught in some section of the church, to the catechumeni
or propounded, in the pulpits. These disquisitions
shew the wonderfully metaphysical nature of the
human mind.

On the contrary, there seems to be no trace of hope or
fear, with regard to futurity, in the mind of a brute. I
have observed with great attention, and I could never discover
any symptom, in the smallest degree, of that horror
which is felt by man at the view of a dead body.
This horror arises from the ideas associated with the
view, that it is the remains of a man. The revulsion of
mind which is felt at being in the dark, especially with a
dead body, seems not in the most distant degree, participated

with any of the hairy or feathered tribes, neither in
respect of dead creatures of their own species, or of the
human. No shyness of a church yard, has ever been remarked.
Tales of apparitions, are told in the hearing
of domesticated animals, without the least symptom of
that fear of being left alone which afflict families where
there are nurses, whose memories are stored with relations
of this nature. Memoirs of the Fairy kingdom,
have no effect upon a dog, or a cat.

But where is the heaviest of the creature called human,
that is not affected? Nay, perhaps, liable to be
affected the most. There would, therefore, even
from this small ground of argument, be reason
to infer that whatever may be said, in figures of
speech, or however really man may degrade himself;
yet, in the scale of being, the lowest is by an infinite distance
in his nature, above a beast.

That gregarious animals are susceptible of a kind of
civil government, is certain. But their regulations seem
to be a law of their nature; at all times the same; without
changes in any country, or at any period. I do not
remark this, as refuting the reveries of the visionary philosopher,
but as going in deduction to the establishment
of the above position. As to the philosopher, I have
dwelt long enough upon his reverie, which I thought
might amuse young persons, and I omit what further occurred,
the contrivance of Harum Scarum, and Will
Watlin, to confirm him in his hypothesis. This was to
dress themselves in hair and bear skins, and to pass with
him by running upon all fours, for educated cubs that
had been taught languages. These were frolics of
which the governor did not approve; for it is not becoming
to be amused at the expense of persons deprived
either of the gifts of reason, or of the goods of fortune.—
It might not perhaps be blameable to be diverted at the
mistake of some weak people, who were imposed upon,
and became alarmed at the idea of their being candidates
for the legislature, at the next election, and sent forward
to take a seat. This was what the wags threatened in
their disguise; and when the caprice of suffrage was
considered, who could tell but that the apparent quadrupeds
might make good what they spoke.

15. CHAPTER XV.

IT had struck ingenious persons that the popular
opinion of beasts speaking, and being taught to speak,
might be turned to some account. Hence it was that
two young men with a cart, from New England, coming
through the settlement, and vending tin-wares, or exchanging
them for other articles, in order to sell again at
a profit, projected the idea, of inveigling some rustic
simpleton, and dressing him in the skin of a wild beast,
put him in the vehicle, and pass him for a speaking Panther,
or cat of the mountain; or what else they might
think most likely to take with the multitude. Accordingly
being in quest of some straggling individual, they
got sight of the bog-trotter, and dogging him to a hayloft,
into which he had crept to take a nap, they cast a
noose about his neck, and dragging him to their receptacle,
put him in their cage. A panther's skin which
seemed to accord with the colour of his hair, was thought
a suitable disguise with which to invest him; and this
they had at hand, having in the course of this exchange,
procured it amongst other peltry, which they had in a
bale on the top of their carriage. They found he could
speak, but in a dialect which they did not well comprehend;
nor perhaps could other people, and therefore the
more suitable, as they thought, for their purpose, as having
the appearance of articulation, but of a beast not
yet brought to express himself with a correct idiom of
any language. For these itinerant traders being from
the eastward, and what are called Yankies, did not understand
the vernacular of the west of Ireland, of which
country Teague was.

Having cased him in the panther's hide, they exhibited
him as one of this species, and giving him a touch of
the whip now and then, and causing him to exclaim, in
the language of complaint, they proved to a demonstration,
that a beast might be taught to speak.

The bog-trotter, in the mean time, had been missed,
and something in the nature of a hue and cry had been
raised on his account. Being found in the possession of
the vagrants, they were questioned on the nature of their
property by the officers who had detected them; though

this was not until they had had him in their custody several
days, and had made money by the imposition. The
detection of the fraud was unavoidable, being exhibited
to so many, some of whom had been acquainted with the
bog-trotter, and knew the peculiar idiom of his brogue;
so that suspicion first arising of the kidnapping, it came
to certainty by the investigation. The robbers, as they
might be called, were apprehended by a warrant from
the chief justice, and brought before him. The attorney
general, Harum Scarum, was very warm on the occasion
and disposed to prosecute them, though not being
well skilled in the law, he could not well tell for what;
or in what shape to send up the indictment; whether for
larceny, or burglary, or arson. But he gave the act and
deed, many hard names, which he had heard of in the
law. The chief justice thought it but a trespass, in legal
contemplation, though of a very aggravated nature,
and could not but lay a ground for an action of damages.
Young men, said he, you are from a country of steady
habits; but these are not the habits in which it behooves
to be steady. I have heard much of the religion, or rather
hypocrisy, of your country. They tell me you chuse
a chaplain when you go to steal a pig, for a thanksgiving
day; or plot against the government. Not that I undertake
to censure your stealing a pig, provided it is for a
religious purpose; because it is amongst yourselves,
and these are matters with which those that are without
may not have a right to meddle. But your stealing a
man from himself, and from the community to whom he
may be useful, though, in law, it may not come under the
denomination of stealing, under all circumstances, and
where it is not to take him out of the country, yet is at
least a very aggravated trespass, and in what is called
a civil action, may subject to very high damages. And
this, I say not as anticipating the trial of the cause, if a
suit should be brought, but with a view to a compromise.
You are not aware of the injury to the individual which
must depend somewhat upon the dignity of the person
trespassed on; and the injured in this case, is no less a
person than one who has been a candidate for a seat in
congress, and might have been a successful candidate,
had he submitted to the canvass in his favour for that
delegation. But he has been actually in the capacity of
a judge, and sat upon a bench. It is not long since,
that the people of this country would have made him a
major general, but for his own modesty that declined it,
which I could wish others had done, who had, perhaps,
less brain to be shot away by a cannon ball. It is alleged
that he was wrought upon by his fears in declining
the commission, as it might subject him to greater danger,
with his uniform and his epaulets in an engagement
Riflemen, or what the Europeans denominate
sharp shooters, might take him off when he came to reconnoitre,
or was discovered in the advance of an engagement
But what is it, whether fear or modesty led
him to decline the honour, so it is that he was thought
worthy of the command, if the governor had thought
proper to give him the commission, or he could have reconciled
it to himself to have accepted of it. I mention
these things, not as approving the making bog-trotters
generals, or advancing them merely because a chance
circumstance has given them the eclat of fortune. For
in war fortune avails much. Nor do I undervalue natural
talents; for I can suppose a man drawing a plough,
with his gears on, and to have his traces cut, and turned
loose in a command, and far surpassing in the talents of
a commander, another who has had all the science and all
the experience that military schools and campaigns can
give. But a presumption of abilities cannot but arise
from education, and experience. There is something
like certainty in the one, there is but accident in the
other. But dropping this, I return to your misdemeanor;
not what the law calls a misdemeanor; for that is a
crime, and this at least borders on a crime; but
unquestionably as respects the community, you have
been guilty of a great indecorum. I admit, you would
not think it an offence, or at least a great offence,
in your land of steady habits, where the second table of
the law has been almost struck out of the decalogue,
and the ceremonies of religion, and observances of these,
have taken place of justice to man. It would be of less
consequence, if you cheated a little in the way of your
trumpery that you vend, or exchange through the country.
But to purloin a valuable member of society, even
if you did not mean eventually to detain him, is a transgression
not easily reconcilable to a pure conscience and
a good mind. But it is a maxim of the law, as well as
of the gospel, or rather the law has derived it from the
gospel, “talk with thine adversary whilst thou art in the
way with him.” This is the foundation of our imparlances
in the law, or the time given to speak with; so
that as there is a tavern, or what is called an ordinary
there, not far off, I would recommend it to you, young
men, to take the bog-trotter aside, and, after eating and
drinking together, you might perhaps come to terms.

Agreeable to the hint given, the young men took the
bog-trotter away to the public house, in his panther's
habit as he was, and the presumption is, that a compromise
did take place; for, in the language of law writs,
there was no more clamour heard on that head for defect
of justice.

The like finesse, but in a different way, though with the
same view of making money out of the phrenzy of the
country, was practised; a couple of speculating men, the
one in the dress of a man, the other in the costume of a
beast. For it had been agreed that the one should personate
a publican, or inn-keeper, the other, who was the
smaller man, should pass for the bar-keeper; and, to disguise
the human form, he was invested with the skin of a
wild cat. The tail had remained appended to it, and as
the physiognomy of a cat somewhat approaches to that of
a man, the skin drawn over the features, with the same
orifice for mouth and eyes, unless to a very nice examination,
there was no difference. The multitude of those
that came to see the hotel, would not admit of the possibility
of a metamorphose, but insisted that the barkeeper
was a real cat of the mountain. The faculty of
speech, which it evidently had, made it the more interesting.
For, as to having speech, there was no doubt;
it spoke several languages, German and low Dutch,
French and English. But whether it was a real beast or
not, was the question. If it was a beast, and could speak,
all admitted that the problem was solved, and it no longer
remained an hypothesis, that there were beasts who spoke
naturally, or that they could be brought to speak. There
were amongst the incredulous, doubtless, some men of
understanding and sagacity, and who reasoned from the
laws of nature, and the analogy of the parts, there being
no organs of speech to a brute creature; but abstract
reasoning was borne down, by the testimony of the fact,
the majority affirming, and actually believing, that it was
a cat, and nevertheless was endued with the faculty of
articulate speech. The inn-keeper, who affected to be
a person of veracity, averred that he had known him
when he was first brought from the mountains, an active
skipping cat, without the smallest cultivation, or

capacity of articulating a syllable, save in its own mother
tongue, and a kind of mew that cats have; but that
in the course of three years that he had had him as a
waiter in France, Holland, Germany, and England, he
had acquired sufficient of the languages of those countries
to converse, or at least to understand sounds, and
answer calls in German, French, &c.

There was not a word of truth in all this, I mean in
the bar-keeper having been a cat, any more than a turkey-buzzard,
but the whole a fiction of the man who
passed for land-lord, acquiesced in, and sanctioned by
him who passed for bar-keeper, and this to their mutual
interest, and by their joint contrivance. And, nevertheless,
it was as firmly believed for a considerable length
of time as Redheiffer's perpetual motion, a thing not less
against the laws of nature, than even the speech of beasts.
As in the case of Redheiffer, so also here, the press was,
in some instances, on the side of the credulous, and there
was at least one editor who menaced all the invectives of
his journal against any one who should presume to express
a doubt of the fact. All that existed short of Redheiffer's
case, was the appointment of a committee by the
legislature, to ascertain and make report. Even at this
day, when the bubble has burst there are those who will
excuse their belief, by saying that if the little bar-keeper
was not a cat, he was at least as nimble as a cat. So that
if they cannot get him to be what they had taken him to
be, they will have him something that resembles it.

When the Governor came to interrogate Teague as to
the treatment he had received in the tin cart, and the manner
in which he had been apprehended, and put in it.—
He gave the following account.

By de holy faders, said he, I was tired trotting about
de country, and just tought dat I would turn in, and slape
a wink in a hay loft, when dese spalpeens, de one wid a
shilelah, and de oder wid a whip, told me I was a wild
baste dat could spake. I said, de devil a bit o' me was a
wild baste more dan deir honours, but an honest Irishman
from de county Drogheda. Wid dat one knocked
me down, and de oder gave me a cut wid de whip, and
marched me into dat cart yonder, and kept me dere two
days, and made me spake to de paple, as if I was de panther
dat had been skinned, but not to tell dat I was de
bog-trotter; treatning to shoot me dead if I should own
dat I was de governor's sharvant. I had de devil's own

time, bad luck to dem, wid deir raw mate dey trew into
my cage, save once or twice a dumplin, to shew de paple
dat I would ate like a Christian baste; which I had
learned, at de same time dat I was taught to spake wid
my tongue, as dey said. I could spake wid de tear in
my eye, but de devil a word I dared to say; or to tell fat
I was, more dan dif I had a potatoe in my mouth. De big
fellow o' de two would order me out of de cage, to shew
de paple dat I could stand on my hind feet, and dance
like a human crature, as well as spake something. But
we made all up wid a good treat, as de old gentleman,
de chief justice, his honour recommended; and if dat
had not been in de way, I would have broke deir heads
for dem, widout more compassion dan I would a snake
or a tarrapin.

The governor recommended him to be cautious of
going into barns or hay lofts, or rambling far, as this was
a new country, and the times were troublesome. It
could not be anticipated, what it might be put into the
peoples' heads to do with him, or with any one else,
or what projectors, or itinerant speculators might set on
foot next. It had been by great good fortune that he
had been discovered, and rescued from these Yankies
before they had got him off to their own country, whence
they might have taken him to England, and shewn him
to old John Bull.

16. CHAPTER XVI.

A VOTE in a community in proportion to the stake,
would seem at first sight reasonable. But what is the
stake? The foot of earth that one holds merely? Can
soil be valued by the foot, without regard to quality, and
situation? Is the improvement made upon it to pass for
nothing? Quantity, and quality of soil cannot be the
measure. Labour expended may be more than quantity,
or quality.

The adscripti glebis, or attachment to the soil, may
give some security against external enemies; but what
security for internal peace, and equal liberty? On the
contrary, he that has much will covet more, until an
aristocracy is established; and aristocracy leads to monarchy,
and tyranny. Put it on the footing of desert—
Does the accumulation of riches imply virtuous action?
Must he be considered to be possessed of a great mind who
has been fortunate? Is it not oftener evidence of a low
mind to have acquired riches? I say oftener, because I
admit that it is not a general rule. Has the dictum of
philosophers passed for truth, that there is nothing great
to despise which is great; and shall wealth in a commonwealth
be accounted great, and entitling to honour
and immunities? But the presumption is, that a man
regardless of his own means will not be likely to adopt
wise measures in affairs of the republic. I will admit
that a presumption lies against him who has no property,
that he might have had it, if he had been industrious,
or prudent. But the moralist truly says that “riches are
not to men of understanding.” That is not always so.
I lay it down in general, that a moderate degree of wealth
is “to men of understanding.” But there are exceptions
that defy chance and time. A special providence, or
chance, if you would chuse to have it so, has something
to do in the affairs of men. “He that is born to the
plack will never win to the babee,” is a proverb in the
old Saxon language. But I hold it that in general the
fact is that “the hand of the diligent maketh rich.” And
a man that is faithful in his own affairs, affords a reasonable

presumption, that he will be faithful in the affairs
of the public. But selfishness, and disregard of the
public is a symptom of a groveling mind. And there
are heroic souls, that seem born not for themselves
but for the public. And there is a Latin maxim, “non
nobis metipsis, nascimur;” we are not born for ourselves
alone.

There was a poor man, and yet that “poor man saved
the city.” You cannot exclude the unestated man without
at the same time excluding the wise and the virtuous
that are without estates. There can be no good enjoyed
without an alloy of evil. Liberty of the tongue,
liberty of the press, or any other species of liberty and
equality will have its drawbacks. It is doubtless a great
evil that Tag-rag and Bob-tail, and who are so by their own
indolence, should come to the polls with an equal voice,
in the constitution of the government, with those who
have a greater stake in matters of property; but it cannot
be avoided without losing the principle that money is
not virtue. If you carry it out that property must be
represented according to property, the voter must have
votes in proportion as he is wealthy; and wealth in soil
only cannot be regarded. The establishment of manufactures,
the encouragement of commerce, would oppose
this. If he that is without property of any kind can
have no vote, he that has much must have many; and
this brings it to an inequality of votes, which require a
continual census to regulate the number. If paying tax
is a criterion, he that pays more tax, ought to have more
votes. I see nothing simple, and like truth in the matter,
and approaching the practicable, but that the poll
should poll; and every one that brings a snout of full age,
to the election ground, should have a vote. Indigence
is in its nature dependent; and will rally round candidates
of some standing in society from their degree of
independence; and the votes being thus amalgamated,
will balance parties in a commonwealth. A government
of liberty is the most delicate of all structures, and
there is no preserving it, if the love of money is encouraged,
and made the sole evidence of patriotism. If a
difference in suffrage could be made, I would make it
in favour of those who have invented useful arts, and
made discoveries in mechanics; or who have in fact in
some way benefited society. There would seem nothing

unreasonable in the indulging him with privileges who
had brought up a large family of children; or introduced
a new breed of cattle; or grown a better sort of
grass. But a usurer, or one enjoying rents from the
lands that his ancestor has left him, cannot be said to deserve
well of his country; or at least not so much. The
New-England man that comes with his machine, for
which he has obtained a patent, is of peculiar respectability
compared with these. I say New-England, because
that part of the United States has been most fruitful
in inventions, from Phips, of Massachusetts, who invented
the diving bell, down to the present time. Whether
it is that poverty has produced the necessity of recurring
to their wits, having a greater stock of population,
and the means of livelihood being less within their
reach—Ingenii largitor venter; or whether it is in the
soil, or the air, and water of the climate; for natural, as
well as moral causes may produce this difference in the
capacities of men.

I can see no reason in giving a field a vote, much less
a piece of woodland; nor one to the owner of beasts
in proportion to his stock; unless those beasts could
speak and give a viva voce vote.

It has seemed to me that the ancients, and some of
the moderns, have carried the fiction beyond all probability,
of beasts speaking; because a dialogue of this
kind exists but in books of fables. It is much more
within bounds, to put at least for one of the speakers,
a person that can speak. This we have done, and have
not put a single syllable into the mouth of a beast at all.
It is the man that we make speak; the beast only listens.
Yet it is ten to one but some will call out against the
going even so far, as to represent beasts listening; because
it is to music only, that they have heretofore been
made to listen, and not to the dry precepts of didactic
art, or moral reason. But certainly the introducing men
speaking, and beasts listening, is not so extravagant, as
beasts speaking, and men listening. The instances of
beasts actually speaking are so few; in fact there is not
a single instance within my knowledge, so that I thought
it the more prudent part, in order to avoid the having
the truth of my history called in question, to confine
them to listening altogether. What these beasts would
have said, had they spoken, every man may imagine

for himself. In this case there is the less danger of
giving offence, every one having it in his power, to
mould his sentiments, a son gre, or according to his
own mind.

But had I been so inclined, how could I have made them
speak? For just as they were going to open a mouth, or
at least as the occasion had arrived when it would have
been proper to have done it, the dogs were set upon
them, or the dogs did set upon them. For this would
appear to be the safer expression, as the bar assert that
they as a profession, whatever some individuals might
have done, had nothing to do with it.

It has been stated that the proper articulately speaking
beasts have not been pitched upon. It is sufficient
to answer to this, that we had not the chusing them;
or, if we had, can it be said that all beasts are not equally
made to speak; that is, are represented equally capable
of speaking in the history of Reynard the fox?
Among the Jews, the ass seems to have been the principal
speaker; and though an ass at the bar, or on the
bench either, would be no new thing; yet vulgar opinion
is against it; and if an ass had been introduced, the force
of prejudice is such that any disappointment that might
have occurred, would have been attributed to the choice
made. Amongst the Romans, the feathered creation
seem to have been the most loquacious, as they are to this
day, in their own way.

But a prejudice also exists in modern times against fowls
articulating: they are said to chatter; as for instance
the magpie.

Ornithologists are not so attentive as they ought to be
to the language of birds. The plumage seems to be
most their object in delineation; and it must be acknowledged,
that it is in the article of fine feathers, like some
fine ladies that I have known, that they are most distinguished;
red, green, blue, vermilion, and all the colours
of the rain-bow. It is in this point of view that I take
the liberty of recommending the Ornithology of Wilson,
lately published in Philadelphia,[2] with fine drawings of
our American birds: and which every man that can afford

it, ought to encourage by his subscription. Not
that he makes them say any thing, ore humano; but he
gives a clear and full note of their notes, under the figure
of each bird; this though perhaps not so useful, is
at least as amusing, as a dissertation shewing to which
of the articulations of the human species, they approach
nearest in their respective sounds: Arabic, Samaritan,
Shawanese, or Creek. The language of beasts and birds
has been much studied by the Orientalists; but none of
them have given us a vocabulary, much less a dictionary,
of any of those multitudinous dialects which exist
amongst them. And yet in their tales of the geni, and
other compilations, we have abundance of the conversation
of the inhabitants of the air; which proves that the
people of the east must be a good deal in the habit of
hearing birds converse. The story of Mahomet's pigeons,
I take to be a fiction of the monkish writers; but
we have in the scripture, if it is not a figure, and a
strong way of expressing what is meant, “Curse not
the thing; no, not in thy thought, and curse not the rich
in thy bed-chambers, for a bird of the air shall carry the
voice; and that which hath wings, shall tell the matter.”
Hence the language of mothers to their children, when
they mean to say that they have got the information
from a source they do not mean to explain, “a little bird
told me of it.”

It will be said that in all this ribaldry of beasts and
birds speaking, I have it in view to burlesque lawyers:
not at all; it is to burlesque their defects; and under
the guise of allegory to slur a truth; for an able counsellor,
an advocate of a good head, and heart, of which I
know many, are with me amongst the first of characters.
I have no such vulgar prejudice against lawyers,
as some people have; there are good and bad of them
as of other professions. And this I will say, that of all
professions, it cannot be but that the study and practice
of the law, leads most to discern the value of honesty; for
the study consists in tracing the rules of justice, and the
practice in the application of them. It is the man that
is no lawyer, but calls himself so, that is the knave.
The nature of law is liberal; and gives understanding;
and wherever there is sound sense, there will be honesty.
But I have such a contempt of chattering in speech,
and blustering, and bullying in manners; and of quibbling,

and catching in practice where it occurs, that I
feel no compunction in designating it under the masque
of irrational noises, or quadrupedal affections.

If any thinks the cap will fit him, let him put it on.
In the mean time, I will put on my considering cap,
and see what it is that I have to say in the next chapter.

17. CHAPTER XVII.

IT is abundantly evident from the history of the
human mind, that the more extravagant any opinion is,
it is the more likely to prevail in some times and places.
This will have been found to be the fact in many theories
of philosophy, or systems of religion. Were there two
such presented to me upon any subject which comes
within the province of imagination; the one rational and
moderate, the other absurd; and I was to take which I
chose with a view to the speediest propagation, and the
greatest number of adherents, I would take the absurd;
for what merit is there in admitting what nobody, without
an effort, could dispute; and independent of this,
there is a secret power in the unknown, and incredible,
to arrest the fancy, and subdue the judgment. The outrageous,
when first presented, shocks, and then domineers
over the understanding. I would just as soon undertake
to persuade the bulk of mankind, that they saw a bull
in the firmament, as that two and two make four. At
all events, when I had once got such a thing into their
heads, as a buffalo grazing on a cloud, I would defy years
to get it out again.

Hence it is not to be wondered at, if the idea of the improvable
nature of beasts having got into the hands of
the people, all reasoning with them was at an end. The
visionary man had made proselytes to such an extent,
that the people insisted on an experiment, by raising
some of the brute creatures at least to executive offices.
The clerkship of one of the courts being vacant, great
interest was made by the owner of a monkey, to have
him appointed. The governor was harrassed by the application,
which was at the same time so respectably supported
that he could not possibly avoid the nomination.
Not that even yet he had the smallest confidence in his
capacity of discharging the duty; but that he might save
himself from the importunity of the friends of the experiment.
Accordingly, the monkey was appointed, and
his commission made out in form. He had remonstrated

against the solicitation, representing his persuasion
of the incompetency of the animal; but it was so firmly
impressed upon the public mind, that the thing deserved
a trial, that he was obliged to yield. For they insisted that
whatever might be the incapacity of the animal, the commission
would supply the defect. Indeed they argued
very plausibly upon this; and it seemed not to be without
foundation that they urged, that it was every day before
their eyes, that persons were appointed to office who
were not qualified; and what was more, never could become
qualified; and yet the world did not stand still;
nor did even the order of society, and the affairs of men
seem deranged. It is incredible what a little matter will
go to support one in the discharge of an office. Hence
it is not so absurd what the buffoon said, “let the king
give me a commission, and I will see who will say I am
not fit for it.” However, in the present instance, it was
carrying the jest, or as it ought to be said, the experiment
too far. The monkey did not make out even to
save appearances for a short time; whether owing to the
mismanagement of those who had the command of him,
or to his own incurable restlessness, and locomotive faculty.
For being brought in, and placed upon the table,
with the implements of writing before him, and the
docket to make entries; the first thing that struck him,
was the basket of a fruiterer at some distance; and it
was not a second of time before he had leaped upon it,
and had a pippin in his paw. Being brought back, and
put to his desk again, and desired to make a minute, he
deliberately got up and made water on the table, the inkstand
being in the way. This was encouraging to the
sanguine; for it was thought he wished to have the
ink made thinner, as being about to write. But no appearance
of this, when the next bound was upon the
bench, and the judge's wig hauled off his head, and pulled
under the table. This was ruled a contempt of court,
and pug was ordered into custody. It was with some
difficulty that this was accomplished; the constable and
sheriff exerting themselves to take him, but his leaps
were so nimble, that it was not until after a considerable
time, with the assistance of the whole bar, and the suitors
of the court, that they could lay their hands upon
him. In fact, it was not until some of them had laid
their sticks upon him, and knocked him down, that they
were able to entangle him in such a manner as to overcome
his cantrips, and get him in a bag, as you would a
cat, in order to convey him to prison.

Who could have thought that such a practical experiment
would not have reduced the falsity of the hypothesis
of the improvability of beasts to the extent alleged
by some, to an evident demonstration. And yet so
ingenious is the pride of the mind, to support the error
which it has once patronized, that some did not even yet
submit to reason and common sense. They averred, a
want of candour in the court and bar to have the experiment
fairly made, alleging the craft of the profession;
that pug could not have had fair play in the trial; that he
must have been pinched in the tail, or in some other way,
rendered unmanageable. For, that of himself, he never
could have shown such an unwillingness to discharge
the duties of the office; more especially, as by shewing
him apples and nuts at a distance, it was a hint to him,
what he might expect in the way of fees, provided that
his capacity, and his diligence, was found to equal the
hopes his friends had entertained of him.

But, whether the experiment in making a monkey a
prothonotary, was baffled by the utter incapacity of the
animal himself, or by the intrigue of the profession, and
the court frowning on it, the practicability of making
more out of the brute creation, than had ever yet been
done, was not wholly given up. It was determined to
make an experiment of what might be done, in bringing
forward some of them into the profession itself; and
with a view to this, choice was made of the more noisy
of the dumb creatures, a dog For though this beast
comes under the denomination of dumb, yet it is no uncommon
thing to compare a lawyer to him, or him to a
lawyer; and though we say a dumb dog, yet I have heard
a lawyer called an impudent dog; and there are many
who are said to bark, rather than to argue a cause like a
rational creature.

The court were a good deal opposed to the admitting
a hound to the bar. But the people, out of doors, and
those of the circumstantibus, or bystanders, would insist
upon it. The court said, they would not be understood
to entertain a doubt of the capacity, in such advocates,
at least so far as respected the making motions; but they
were apprehensive of disorderly behaviour; not so much
as to side bar conversation, and sitting on their backsides,

and looking up to bark, as to their movements to
and fro, and leaping upon the bench; in which case it
would not be much less difficult to keep them to their
places, than it had been in the case of the monkey, whom
they had all seen could not be kept to order. As to the
keeping to the point in their discourses, of that there was
not so much matter; for it was not always easy to see
what was the point that was made, and to which it became
necessary to stick. Was there no danger, that instead
of confining themselves to a wrangle, they would
actually wage war, and interchange bites in the course
of their altercations? Wager of battle did not exist as
a mode of trial; and therefore fighting like dogs was not
known in judicial proceedings; though the quarrels of
counsel did sometimes approach a little towards it.

On all these considerations, the court would have been
willing to have confined the construction of the constitutution,
that “a man shall be heard by himself or his
counsel,” to the being heard by himself, or some animal
of his own species. Nor was there any great reason to
believe, that, though in many instances we see the more
incompetent of a bar at the head of the business; yet
in general, people will find out those who can serve
them best; and it was not probable, that if the real, natural,
and actual tykes were admitted to plead, any one
would be so weak as to employ them in a cause; it is
true, they had known many an ignorant impudent puppy
at the bar; and some good natured of the dog tribe, so
called by way of figure and resemblance, even make fortunes.
But this was by way of figure; and they had never
yet known one so perfect a beast, as to want the shape
of a man, to make his way, or even to attempt practice.
And if no suitor did employ such a one, when admitted,
where would be his business; unless in the case of a
pauper unable to defend himself, where the court might
appoint counsel; which would not be decorous in them
to do, even in the case of a misdemeanor, unless they
had greater reason to expect something like a defence
for the unfortunate accused, than from such unexpereinced
persons. It is true, that such appointment by the
court, as in the case of a horse-thief, that every body
believed guilty, even before he was tried, might pass
without censure; but if an honest pauper was convicted,
being falsely accused, and this owing to the blunder of

an advocate appointed by the court, the reflection would
fall upon them; for these reasons they would be shy in
taking such nomination upon them; and would be disposed
to leave the dog, whether what is called a feiste,
or a mastiff, to his own exertions to get himself employed
as he could; and if it came to them to assign counsel
at any time, they would select, if the younger, yet at
least some of the bar more likely to do justice.

It was to no purpose that these matters were urged.—
For however weighty the reasons, they were of no avail
against the current of public opinion; whether it was
that there was some, as there was reason to suspect,
wished the lawyers burlesqued, and the profession made
a subject of ridicule; or that the greater part were really
credulous, which is more probable, to the representation
of the philosopher.

Hence it was, that on the day appointed for the experiment,
a great number attending, some of the most respectable
of the community; two of the canine species
were brought in, and placed opposite each other, as adversaries
in a cause. They were said to be dogs of a
good bark, and had been pitted against each other several
times before the bringing them to court, and had worried
each other pretty comfortably, on more occasions than
one. Hence there could be no doubt, but that they would
take different sides of the question, and snarl, and grin,
and growl abundantly; the only difficulty would be the
keeping them apart, until the testimony in a cause had
been introduced, and they were directed by the court to
proceed.

This difficulty, as was foreseen, did actually occur;
for no sooner were the beagles uncoupled, than they actually
flew at each other, and had one another by the
throat. It was in vain that the judge called out order,
gentlemen order; I shall be under the necessity of committing
you for this irregularity of proceeding; your
behaviour is unbecoming the profession. The dogs continued
their contest, till one knocked under, and howled
most piteously. The humanity of the spectators, some
of whom were suitors, and some not, at length interposed,
and wished them to be separated, but not an individual
of the bar gave themselves the least concern on the
occasion; but on the contrary, seemed diverted with it as
a farce, and laughed immoderately; which gave great

offence to the people, and much reason to suspect, as in
the case of the monkey, there had not been fair play in
the experiment. Who could tell what spurs, or sharp
weapons there might have been under the table to prick and
goad these simple and unsuspecting creatures to battle? If
Jowler and Cesar had actually succeeded in maintaining a
standing at the bar, it might materially have affected the
employing human bull-dogs, to manage a controversy.—
And could it be supposed, that having this interest at
stake, the profession would have made no exertion, secret
or reserved, to counteract the introduction of quadrupeds
Upon these grounds, the persuasion of the capacity
of beasts to advocate the most difficult question of
law, or fact, was strengthened, rather than reduced, by
the experiment made; or if some did query whether
all at once, they might be competent to give the best advice,
as chamber counsel in a matter of difficulty respecting
the legal tenure of estates; yet no one hesitated to
pronounce his conviction that they were capable of being
good advocates, in a criminal case of assault and battery
at least; or where noise and racket went a great way to
constitute a good pleader.

The public opinion out of doors, was formed a good
deal upon the noise they had heard. It was thought to
resemble that of lawyers in their sparring. If some surmise
did get out, that in nothing but yelping did they
resemble, it was attributed to their not being of the genuine
breed, that was fit for the bar; that experiment
ought to be made from the Norwegian lap dog, to the
little Indian dog of the South sea, until they came to one
that had the right genuine snarl. But all idea of incapacity
was hooted at by others, who had taken up a more
favourable impression, having been in the way of hearing
that one of them made a speech of an hour in length;
and that, had he not been stopped by the court, he would
have spoken two hours. What did he say? said a man
somewhat incredulous. I never can tell very well, said
the other, what the lawyers say. It is all the same sort
of jargon to me, consisting of law terms; but this I
know, if I had a cause to try, I would leave it as soon to
the dog that I heard bark, as to most lawyers that I have
seen plead at a bar. Owing to these averments, and promulgation
of rumours, all tending to make dog pleading
popular, it was not longer than the next week, that there

were several people who had come into town, enquiring
where the dog lawyers had their offices. The real lawyers
were so enraged that they knocked them on the head,
though of the profession; but clandestinely; for they
were not without apprehension of the resentment of the
suitors, if the dogacide should come to light. The law
might take hold of them also, if they could be considered
as coming under the description of reasonable creatures
in the peace of the commonwealth.

But there was no need of this precaution, and secrecy;
for the whole circumstance relating to the dogs, and
their appearance in court, or the manner in which they
acquitted themselves in the trial of a cause, was lost
and forgotton in the introduction of a wolf and fox the
third day of the court; the wolf muzzled, having been
taken in a trap. But to avoid all insinuation, or popular
obloquy, of not giving them a fair chance, by admonishing
them before they began, of the duty of counsel, the
rules of the court were read to them, and it was stated
what abuses in the conduct of attornies, had been observed,
and which it behooved them to avoid; such as scratching
their noses, puffing their breath, turning and twisting
in their seats, or sitting on their arses, and talking to
the bench; holding side-bar conversations, and looking
and yelping to the juries, or grinning when they thought
they had said a great thing smart. Growling and grumbling
when the point was given against them, they ought
not to take it for granted, that they were the only persons
who had a knowledge of the law or practice; and
that their opinion of a law case, or the application, was
not infallible.

Gentlemen, said the chief justice, you are entering on
a profession that, independent of legal knowledge, for
that, we take it for granted, you have a competent share
of, requires in a practitioner the utmost delicacy of behaviour,
both to the bar and to the bench, as the surest
means of your success. For it is a mistake to suppose,
that impudence is the principal qualification here. It
may go some length in the opinion of bystanders, to give
them the impression of boldness; but it goes no length
with the court. It is, on the contrary, a great drawback.
Diligent preparation in your offices, and modest demeanour
at the bar, is the most likely way to secure confidence
and to conciliate attention, and to have what is

called the ear of the court. For when a person merely
barks, the moment he begins, nothing but a bark being
expected, the judge lets his mind go to pasture, if I may
be allowed a figure, that is, indulges himself in absence
of mind, until the harangue wears near a close. There
is what is called having the ear of the court: for should
you howl ever so loud, or bark, unless there is a previous
respect founded in the expectation of what you are about
to say, there will be little attention in reality, whatever
there may seem to be.

Opinion had been expressed in the mean time, on the
talents of the respective advocates, according as any one
had augured favourably, or the reverse of one or the
other. It was expected the fox would shew the most
address in the management of a cause. But that the
wolf would be most likely to carry his point by browbeating
his adversary, and the court.

Gentlemen, said the court, fox and wolf, or wolf and
fox, whichever of you it is that begins first, and that will
depend upon your being for the plantiff or defendant—
you will please to proceed.

The wolf being unmuzzled, and the fox let slip, the
one ran under the bench, and the other leaped out at the
window: the wolf it was that leaped out of the window,
the dogs after him, which gave occasion to leave this
matter of professional capacity still undetermined; the
pursuit of the dogs giving occasion to the old surmise
of the lawyers having set them upon them to get rid of
a formidable rival. In the hurry scurry, there was little
said about the fox, and he was supposed to have made
his escape.

The reprimand that the chief justice gave to the squirrels
and the pigs for their behaviour in court, was perhaps
the most pointed of that given to any of the beasts;
to the squirrels for cracking nuts, and chirping like cockroaches,
while the charge was delivering, and conversing
in corners with each other. To the pigs, for munching
apples; because it was not only a trespass against
decorum, but an interruption to the argument of counsel,
which could not be so well heard. Mouthing on the
stage is spoken of as far from being agreeable. But
such mouthing produces but a slight tumefaction of the
oral orifice, and gives a rounding to the voice,

But the mouthing the pippin, or the peach, distends the
jaws occasionally to an immeasurable width; and if one
half the hemisphere is attempted to be embraced like a
snake swallowing a hare, the eyes have an appearance of
starting from their sockets, which communicates pain to
the beholder, because it impresses the idea that the actor
is in pain.

18. CHAPTER XVIII.

WHEN I speak of the Visionary Philosopher, I do
not mean him that had

but who had seen the great Stewart, who delivered lectures
in this country, on the perfectibility of man, and
this student, or disciple, had been disposed to carry the
matter farther, and discuss the perfectibility of beasts.

It is impracticable, said the Governor. Instinct has
but narrow limits; and is not improvable, as is human
reason. However sagacious a fox may be, in eluding
hounds, and catching poultry, the distinction is immense
in the nature of the intellect. I hope you would not
think of extending the right of suffrage to these. There
is no incorporating wild-cats and jack-daws in the community.
We have enough to do with men that have the
shapes of Christians, let alone, opossums, and jackalls,
and bears of the forest that have no reflection; or if they
could reflect, would their keepers permit that intercourse
with peaceable inhabitants, as to render the interchange
of civilities safe and convenient. In point of capacity they
would be deficient, and unqualified even for the ministerial
offices of government. But as to those duties, or
professions which require some discrimination of meum,
and tuum, they ever remain totally incompetent.

What? said the Philosopher, persisting in his theory;
have you not heard it said, that judge this, or judge that,
is an ass, that another is a horse, and of even a juris consult,
or barrister, for instance is a panther; a bear; especially
when he is hard upon a witness in his cross examination?
Might it not be practicable to bring a brute beast
to be even capable of filling an office of trust or honour?

I grant that a judge, figuratively, said the Governor,
may be a horse, or a buffalo, or an ass; or that a counsellor
may somewhat resemble the ferocity of a tyger at
the bar. But that these animals, stript of all figure, and
colouring of speech, should in reality, and in propria
personæ, be put upon the bench, or licensed to plead,
would be more than I am yet prepared to think advisable.

You are not aware of the hypothesis of Darwin, said
the Philosopher, that man may have been originally a
cray-fish, or a flying-squirrel?

I am not, said the Governor. And though I do not
know that the Lord spoke all things to Moses that he is
said to have spoken; for there may have been some mistakes
in the translations from the Hebrew, as in other
versions; yet there seems to me more probability in the
cosmongony, of that Hebrew writer, than in the reveries
of Darwin in his Temple of Nature, or his Zoonomia.
And even supposing the brutal to be capable of amelioration
from one nature to another, until it reaches the
human, it would seem to me, that its rights should keep
pace only with the improvement of its forms; and that
we should wait until the elephant comes to sit upon his
one end, and cease to go upon all fours, before we think
of introducing even the noblest of animals, in point of
intellect, into a participation of civil institutions. The
swinish multitude, are spoken of as having a right to
vote; but that also is figurative, and it is not meant that
a pig can be actually admitted at the hustings to give in
a ticket; much less, that a wolf, just taken in a trap,
should be made a justice of the peace, or an alderman.

What, said the Philosopher; has there not been a
time when the beasts spoke?

said the Latin schoolmaster, who had just joined the conversation.

It is fabulous, said the Governor. I have seen what
is called the history of Reynard the Fox; and what beasts
were when under the monarchy, where the lyon was
king; and I think a good book might be written, called
the republic of beasts, pourtraying the cabals of men,
and their contentions in a free government. But to constitute
a republic in reality, of the four-footed creation,
would be carrying matters a step farther than has ever
yet been attempted In that case, I acknowledge we
would have no occasion for the common law; nor tribunals,
or forms of administering justice; jury trial might
be abolished; for scratching and scrambling would be
the way of every one.

Blackstone has a chapter, said the blind Lawyer, “on
the redress of private wrongs, by the mere act of the
parties.”

That would make shorter work than even an arbitration,
said a bystander.

But, said the Governor, to speak seriously, though it
may give a wise man indignation to see incapacity in
office, which will always be the case in any government,
and perhaps not more in a republic than in any other;
nay I incline to think less so, which it behooves me
to say, who am honoured with one, under that kind of
constitution, yet I am opposed to the extreme of universal
suffrage, to all the denizens of the forest, as some
are pleased to stile them, and which phrase may have
misled this philosopher to think them capable of being
denizen amongst men. But if you think the experiment
worth making, let a number be collected, and go into
the measure with caution, and deliberation. You will
see what a conflict will take place, and what a warring
there will soon be.

said the Latin schoolmaster.

Plase your honours, said Teague O'Regan, who was
listening, a shape will be de safest baste to halter first,
and try in de plough o' de commonwealth. If de pretty
baste can say ba, in de congress o' de nation, dey cannot
say dat it is de ass dat spakes.

There may be a prettier, but there cannot be a greater
beast than yourself, Teague O'Regan, said some one in
the crowd. And yet we have heard of you getting an
office; what is more, we see you in one, not just on the
bench, as in a neighbouring state, but in an office though
executive. It is said, the Captain, our now Governor,
who opposes the innovation of giving horned cattle a
vote, proposed you for congress, and would have no objection
to have seen you President of the Union.

That is not the fact, said the Governor; I did object
to it, but I was overruled and induced to let the experiment
be made; but I never did approve of such extraordinary
advancement; though were I to be guided by
what I see here, I might not think the presumption so
preposterous. How much better are many of you that
are in office, than Teague O'Regan?

The visionary Philosopher having taken wind, went
on. Why need Cyrano de Berjerac have gone to the
moon, said he, to see monkeys and baboons in the capacities

of waiting men, if we had been supplied with domestics
of that description here? And why limit our experiments
to what may be made of men? The perfectibility
of human nature, no one can doubt, who has heard
the lectures of Stewart, the pedestrian, who was in this
country some years ago. And why not the perfectibility
of animals that are not human? I have heard a man
called a calf, a sheep, a hog, a goose, and why not, one
day, hear these called man? And to accomplish this, I
would by admitting them to the elective franchise; at
least all above a certain age, and who have come to the
years of discretion.

Years of discretion! said the Governor. Did you ever
hear of a beast coming to the years of discretion? Instinct
is not common sense: for common sense is that
degree of understanding, that portion of intellect which
is generally distributed to the human species. Where
the capacity is in any way distinguished, we call it talent.
But where that portion of judgment which enables
to judge with reasonable correctness on common subjects
is given, we call it common sense. A man may
be a scholar, a lawyer, a judge; that is, may have the reputation
of a scholar, and may have the commission of
a judge, and yet want common sense; by which I mean
sense in common things. For a knowledge of abtract
rules may go some length to make a man of science;
but common sense is judgment in the application of
rules. It is the comparing things; and hence it is that
I do not think this Philosopher, though he may surpass
the magi of Babylon in a knowledge of the stars, can have
common sense, in urging this matter upon a young people,
just beginning a new government. What would you
do with a horse upon a bench; to eat hay, and dung on
it: a monkey a prothonotary, to crack nuts, and be restless:
an ass to quote British precedents, and to say, my
lord has said this, and my lord has said that; if indeed he
could not say any thing, and not rather bray what he had
to say. We have dunces enough of our breed to be doing
with a while yet. Why enlarge the sphere of stupidity
A pretty bar we would have of it in point of
order, if elks, and panthers were admitted to conduct a
cause; motions for new trials in abundance. The pertinacity
of the unicorn would be unsufferable.

What! said Will Watlin, a constable; have we not
heard a bar called a bear guardian; interrupting one another,

troublesome to the court. I should like to see a
cat, and a racoon wrangle as some of these have done.
The mild and the modest man has no chance. All is
carried by a coup de main, which some interpret a stroke
of the fist. I am not permitted to take up my staff and
apply it to knock them, as I should be warranted in doing,
in case of a wild boar, or a rhinocerous, I should
take them across the noddle, as I would have done many
a lawyer, if the rules of court permitted it.

I am for enlarging the sphere of jurisprudence, said
Harum Scarum; and the province of admission to bench
or bar. Is any man afraid of the rivalship of turkey-buzzards?
What can check the hospitality of letting
all into the pale of our union? We shall have more to
contend against the savages.

Pro aris et focis, said the Latin schoolmaster.

We shall have more to contend against the savages,
continued Harum Scarum; for increase numbers in a
government, and in that proportion, you render them active
in support of their privileges. Men that ought to
think, can learn to stand upon their heads, and to run
upon all fours; and why not beasts of the wood learn to
think. I dislike the having all things in a common
course. Nature herself has given us the variety of seasons,
and revolutions of the sun and moon, and heavenly
bodies, and why not in the affairs of men; and especially
in their social institutions as to representation, or exclusion.

In the mean time, about a score of young persons, by
climbing up into trees, to hear the debate, or to see
what was going on in the centre of the meeting, were
seen by the spectators, and mistaken for opossums that
were turned into men already, by the bare proposition
of advancing them to naturalization; and though this
error was corrected in a short time by one of them who
had fallen and brought intelligence of the cause of the
ascension, and the mistake of the transformation; yet
it but struck the notion deeper into the heads of the vulgar,
of having accession from the quadrupeds at the
next census of free inhabitants; and a man with a strong
voice in particular called out that it should be so. A
bull happening to roar, and a horse to neigh at the same
time, it was called out that it was the voice of the people.

In the multitude of a town meeting, or even in a whole
community, it requires but a few persons stationed at
convenient distances, and dispersed in due proportion, to
raise a voice, and to call out in favour of a proposition,
to give it currency, and acceptability. Every one fearing
to be in the minority, will seize the opportunity of
coming round to the majority. It is “the height of ability
to distinguish the times,” says the Duke de Rochefaucault
and I know no proof of discernment in a republic
greater than to foresee which way the current is
like to set, and to sail with it; or rather, if you can influence
at all, to seize occasion by the forelock, and by
disposing a few frogs in a pond to roar, make it be supposed
that the public opinion is in the direction you chuse
to have it. Shall a man value himself on predicting the
weather, and not the changes of political events? At
least this is the principle upon which the greater part of
politicians act.

The Governor finding that he was like to be on the
unpopular side of the question, was willing to ease away,
and come under the lee of the Chief Justice, who though
but a blind man could see farther into the nature of the
occasion, than his excellency. His opinion was to let
the thing take its course, and in a short time the public
would be convinced how impracticable it was to extend
liberty, where nature meant that it should have limits.
He thought it best to address himself to their feelings in
point of interest, than to call in question, the practicability
of the project.

Philosopher, said he, there is no doubt, but there is truth
in what you say; and your proposition might be carried
into effect, with suitable restrictions. But if we should
admit the beasts to the rights of citizenship, we should
have set them free as we done the negroes. The very
right of suffrage would be a manumission; and it would
be unreasonable to extend the privilege to such as are
of feræ naturæ, and exclude tame beasts. Now if cattle
of oxen, and horses become entitled to equal privileges
we could not treat them as beasts of burden, or
use them for the draught; much less could we knock
down a pig, or shoot a deer, or take the skin off a bear;
not even ride a horse, but on condition of taking turns,
and letting him sometimes ride us. Who of you would
be hitched in a sled, or stand at the tongue of a wagon
for a whole night champing cut straw, and rye meal, or

bear the whip of the carter in the day time? Who would
be ringed and yoked like a pig, to keep you from getting
through a fence?

These observations, however ridiculous, had more effect
in quelling the commotion, than any direct reasoning
because whatever crosses the thought, and gives a
different direction to the imagination, has been known
to be most effectual in relieving a derangement of the
mind.

19. CHAPTER XIX.

A CONSTITUTION had been adopted and laws
about to be made, when Teague O`Regan at the head of
a number of his countrymen, began to make a disturbance.
Assembling in groups and calling out for more
liberty. It was thought advisable, this Jack Cade, being
his own bog-trotter, that the governor should address
them, and bring them to reason. Mounting a stump
where they were assembled in an old field, he addressed
them accordingly. Sons of St. Patrick, said he, you
appear to me like draught cattle that are put into the
plough or harnessed in a team and striving to throw off
your tackle. Can you draw without gears? Is not some
confinement necessary to enable you to draw together?
A joint force cannot be applied without some means of
coupleing you. You have as much liberty as you are
capable of enjoying. Teague in particular cannot endure
more; I say a little less would do him good. [At
this time a noise was heard of some one singing Erin go
bra;] it is a good tune said the governor; and I admire
it more than Britannia rules the waves. For I always
thought that a very impudent chorus. It is sufficient to
excite the indignation of nations, to avow despotism of
the seas, in so barefaced a manner. Not but that I
think we are under French influence. For do we not see
in these states French emigrants teaching French, and
can there be a liking to the French without some predilection
for the people. We have imitated the manners
of the St. Domingo people because they speak French,
and the dress of our females is improved as some think by
borrowing from them the Grecian stole, with the cincture
of Venus, which is thought in a warm climate to
give more grace to the shape, than the short jacket and
the hoop of old maidens formerly, by which the form
was cut into two, nearly in the middle, like those we call
insects in the history of animals. But that French influence
prevails no one can doubt, who will reconsider
the history of these states. There is reason to believe
that the French were at the very bottom of our revolution.

I will take the liberty of stopping a little at this point
of the game to express a few thoughts that come into my
mind, though it may be esteemed a digression. I observe
that some of you come to breakfast with your
beards on in the morning. It is because you are waiting
for the barber: but why not shave yourselves? I would
have you learn this oeconomy even were it at the expense
of some blood drawn. How can you be independent
unless you can do this within yourselves, the taking
off your beards. You talk of reforming the government,
and you leave undone the reforming yourselves. I can
excuse curriers who have to clean horses in the morning,
but those that have to take care but of themselves, to
be coming to breakfast with their visages untrimmed,
is ungraceful. The first thing to be done in the morning,
is to shave, wash and dress for the day.

The savages greese themselves to save from the damp
earth, and to guard against the rheumatism, as well as
to amuse the flies; and the people of this new settlement
who are bordering on savages, may be indulged
in a little resemblance; but clerks of an office, or young
lawyers, subject the delicacy of their minds to be called
in question, to be shuffling about in their hippen in the
morning, with their hair in disorder, and their hands, begrimmed,
and their faces black.

Nor is it in your persons that you are deficient in attention.
How much more comfortable might you make
your habitations by little more judgment in the construction
of them. The nearer the water you build, you save
toil in carrying from thence, but the ground is low, and
you subject yourselves to colds, whereas the higher
ground, at the expense of a little more labour, would
preserve health; lasiness is visible in all your vestiges.
There are many inches and bits of days which you
lose, because it is like for rain; and a thousand small
matters are neglected, which might be done at these
shreds and patches of employment. All this you overlook
less considerate than the fowls who make their nests
on the trees around. Yet you are sharp-sighted in the
affairs of government; you abuse governors; you attack
judges. Were I at the head of a paper I would
turn the battery upon yourselves; I would carry the
war into your own country.

Your error in deracinating grubs; not keeping your
mattocks sharp; wearing leather aprons when you bestride

saplins, worming your fences when you might
have post and rail, planting corn without cross
ploughing your fields: occasioning so much labour of
the hoe, and giving way to the weeds. I know but little
of these things, it is true, nor do you much about the
nature of constitutions and the common law. But I
would charge home upon your ignorance of agriculture;
and keep your minds employed in defending yourselves.
Now you are dissatisfied when I call you ignoramouses,
and clodpoles; just out of an anxiety to get you to take
care of your interests.

This harangue had some effect for the present, in stilling
house, and quieting accusations, though it did not
actually eradicate the cause of the dissatisfaction. For
in the language of the poet.

20. CHAPTER XX.

THE preceding painting may be considered as extravagant;
and exceeding all probability; the voting of
beasts. But is it a new thing in the history of government
that the right of suffrage should be made to depend
upon property. No man shall be entitled to a vote
unless he is worth so much, say some of the constitutions.
In this case is it not his property that votes? If
this property consists in cattle, can it be said that his cattle
do not vote? Ergo, a cow or a horse, in some communities
have the privilege of a vote in the enacting
laws. If some of them, who belong to hard hearted masters,
knew of this privilege, and could exercise it to the
whole extent of their wishes, they would stipulate with
the candidate, for milder treatment in the drudgery in
which they are employed. I have seen many a horse,
that considering matters individually; and apart from
the nature, I have thought more respectable than the
owner; and yet this horse most unmercifully treated.
The only universally distinguishing criterion of
humanity, that I know is, the mild treatment of every
creature that has feeling, and is in our power. This
ought to be inculcated as a moral duty. But as to
beasts in propria persona, voting, not just giving in a
ticket for themselves, but standing by, and neighing or
grunting, or grinning. It may be thought too much
yet. But why should it be thought altogether out of
the compass of possibility. After what I have seen and
heard of mankind, I should not wonder at such a thing
taking place. Of what absurdity is not the human mind
capable. Who would think it possible were it not a
fact established by ten thousand testimonies, that human
sacrifice could ever have been thought acceptable to the
divinity? It is easy to trace the origin of the idea, and
the policy of the sacrifice of cattle; because it facilitated
to an order of men who did not labour, the means of livelihood.
And unless we suppose that the custom of human
sacrifice began amongst men that were cannibals,
I am at a loss to account for it. It may be considered as
still more absurd, that a creature, supposed rational, as
man, could be so far irrational as to think that the punishment

of himself could be acceptable to divinity, unless
taken in this light, that the present smart might help
weak minds to refrain from the like wrong they have
done; connecting the flagellation with the memory of
it. Hence it may be said, that it is not out of nature,
to ascribe any thing however absurd to the creature
man.

The line of the poet Pope applied to an individual,
may be parodied, and applied to the whole species.

If it should be found, as I hope it will, some hundred
years hence, that no innovator in a republican government,
has at that time thought of extending suffrage in
this manner, will he be sure that it is not owing to my
ridicule that the thing has not taken place? If a chapter
like this had been written in the course of the revolution
from the government of Britain, representing the
body of the people in some state, as reprobating the common
law, and calling out for its abrogation, would it not
have been thought extravagant, and intended as a burlusque
upon the republican institutions of the country?
And yet we have seen this actually pressed and not far
from being carried. It amounts to the same thing as
having no law at all. For it is experience that has made
that law; dictated by the wants of man successively
brought to view. And to begin again, we must be in the
situation of those who had no law; and therefore the proposition
was to be without law; and to have law only as
a legislature, from occasion to occasion, could enact.—
the case that first happened, could have no principle,
that could apply to it; that must be provided for the second:
and at the end of a thousand years, we might
have such a body of laws, as that which is proposed to
be abolished. I say we might have; but it would be a
rare chance if we should: for it would require the continuance
of a free government all that time to give it.—
How should a man be sensible of this, that had not traced
the history of that law, and examined the nature of it?
It could not be expected from one who had confounded
its perversions with the law itself. If when the constitutions
of these states were formed, after much reflection
of the ablest judges, and the people had solemnly, and
deliberately adopted them, it had been stated by any
writer, that in the short period, of perhaps not more than

twenty years, innovators, not born in the country, or born
late, and having no experience of what had past, should
assume the language of what they call reform, to the
extent they have done in some places, would it be believed?
Nay, would it not have been rejected as outraging
all probability? Suppose it had been a part of
the prediction that these innovators should come, the
principal of them, from the country with whom we were
then at war, and these not the most intelligent of them,
and that the body of our people should be wrought upon,
in any degree by their representation, would it have been
thought at all likely to happen? There is no knowing
to what the love of novelty may bring the human mind.
It is a strange compound of the rational and irrational,
and it is only by turns that the rational predominates.—
“Thinkest thou me a dog, that I can do these things?”
said Hazael. Thinkest thou me a beast, may one say to
me, that I could advocate the suffrages of beasts, or of
giving them the elective franchise? Yes: human nature,
I do think you capable of being brought to such absurdity,
or to any thing else you please to call it. It is true,
I do not see you at this moment offering up your children,
or even enemies, as sacrifices to please a divinity,
which out-herods Herod, in all conceptions, yet I hear
doctrines published, and see them in books, which are
still worse. For their divinities, with the exception of
the case of Jeptha and his daughter, were the false divinities
of the heathen world; and might be supposed to
delight in the miseries of mortals; though what good
they could get by that, I cannot comprehend. But in
the doctrines which I have in view, a good deity, and
even represented as good, by these blasphemers, without
knowing it, is holden out as having created existences
the sum of whose misery may exceed the happiness.
Nay, even the escape from the excess of misery above
that of happiness, may depend upon a charm. For the
idea of felicity in a future state depending upon subtilties
of creeds, is placing it upon the mere accident of situation
and the casualty of belief. Yet if one were to
deny to some doctors the truth of what they teach, they
would be disposed to treat the individual as not a good
citizen. It is true, they would only say, they did not
think him a good citizen. But I would say to them, that
I did not think them Christians at all, so far as regarded
opinion, whatever they might be in practice. For the
Christian religion is a system of humanity, and truth; and
the great object of it is to secure morality amongst men.
It has no metaphysics in the nature of it; but is intelligible
to a child, though catechisms are not.