University of Virginia Library

5. V.
IS INTRODUCED AT THE CLUB.

Mr. Punch, My dear Sir,—It is seldim
that the Commercial relations between
Great Britain and the United States is
mar'd by Games.

It is Commerce, after all, which will keep
the two countries friendly to'ards each other
rather than statesmen.

I look at your last Parliament, and I can't
see that a single speech was encored during
the entire session.

Look at Congress—but no, I'd rather
not look at Congress.

Entertainin this great regard for Commerce
“whose sales whiten every sea,” as
everybody happily observes every chance
he gets, I learn with disgust and surprise
that a British subjeck bo't a Barril of Apply

Sass in America recently, and when he arrove
home he found under a few deloosiv
layers of sass nothin but saw-dust. I should
have instantly gone into the City and called
a meetin of the leadin commercial men to
condem and repudiate, as a American, this
gross frawd, if I hadn't learned at the same
time that the draft given by the British subjeck
in payment for this frawdylent sass
was drawd onto a Bankin House in London
which doesn't have a existence, but far
otherwise, and never did.

There is those who larf at these things,
but to me they merit rebooks and frowns.

With the exception of my Uncle Wilyim
—who, as I've before stated, is a uncle by
marrige only, who is a low cuss and filled
his coat pockets with pies and biled eggs
at his weddin breakfast, given to him by
my father, and made the clergyman as
united him a present of my father's new
overcoat, and when my father on discoverin
it got in a rage and denounced him, Uncle
Wilyim said the old man (meanin my parent)
hadn't any idee of first-class Humer!
—with the exception of this wretched

Uncle, the escutchin of my fam'ly has
never been stained by Games. The little
harmless deceptions I resort to in my perfeshion
I do not call Games. They are
sacrifisses to Art.

I come of a very clever fam'ly.

The Wards is a very clever fam'ly, indeed.

I believe we are descendid from the Puritins,
who nobly fled from a land of despitism
to a land of freedim, where they could
not only enjoy their own religion, but prevent
everybody else from enjoyin his.

As I said before, we are a very clever
fam'ly.

I was strollin up Regent Street the other
day, thinkin what a clever fam'ly I come
of, and looking at the gay shop-winders.
I've got some new close since you last saw
me. I saw them others wouldn't do. They
carrid the observer too far back into the
dim vister of the past, and I gave 'em to
a Orfun Asylum. The close I wear now
I bo't of Mr. Moses, in the Commercial
Road. They was expressly made, Mr. Moses
informed me, for a nobleman, but as
they fitted him too muchly, partic'ly the

trows'rs (which is blue, with large red
and white checks) he had said, “My dear
feller, make me some more, only mind—
be sure you sell these to some genteel old feller.”

I like to saunter thro' Regent Street.
The shops are pretty, and it does the old
man's heart good to see the troops of fine
healthy girls which one may always see
there at certain hours in the afternoon, who
don't spile their beauty by devourin cakes
and sugar things, as too many of the American
and French lasses do. It's a mistake
about everybody being out of town, I guess.
Regent Street is full. I'm here; and, as I
said before, I come of a very clever fam'ly.

As I was walkin along, amoosin myself
by stickin my penkife into the calves of the
footmen who stood waitin by the swell-coaches
(not one of whom howled with angwish),
I was accosted by a man of about
thirty-five summers, who said, “I have seen
that face somewheres afore!”

He was a little shabby in his wearin apparil.
His coat was one of those black,
shiny garments, which you can always tell

[ILLUSTRATION]

Artemus Ward as Capting of the Home Guards—See page 31.

[Description: 484EAF. Image of Artemus Ward, dressed in full soldier regalia, standing in front of the headquarters of the home guard. He is wearing a triangular cap with a giant feather and his sword is limply hanging by his side.]

have been burnished by adversity; but he
was very gentlemanly.

“Was it in the Crimea, comrade? Yes,
it was. It was at the stormin of Sebastopol,
where I had a narrow escape from
death, that we met!”

I said, “No, I wasn't at Sebastopol, I
escaped a fatal wound by not bein there.
It was a healthy old fortress,” I added.

“It was. But it fell. It came down with
a crash.”

“And plucky boys they was who brought
her down,” I added; “and hurrah for 'em!”

The man graspt me warmly by the hand,
and said he had been in America, Upper
Canada, Africa, Asia Minor, and other
towns, and he'd never met a man he liked
as much as he did me. “Let us,” he added,
“let us to the shrine of Bachus!”
And he dragged me into a public house.
I was determined to pay, so I said, “Mr.
Bachus, giv this gen'l'man what he calls
for.”

We conversed there in a very pleasant
manner till my dinner-time arrove, when
the agree'ble gentleman insisted that I

should dine with him. “We'll have a banquet,
Sir, fit for the gods!”

I told him good plain vittles would soot
me. If the gods wanted to have the dispepsy,
they was welcome to it.

We had soop and fish, and a hot jint, and
growsis, and wines of rare and costly vintige.
We had ices, and we had froots from Greenland's
icy mountins and Injy's coral strands;
and when the sumptoous reparst was over,
the agree'ble man said he'd unfortnitly left
his pocket-book at home on the marble
center-table. “But, by Jove!” he said, “it
was a feast fit for the gods!”

I said, “Oh, never mind,” and drew out
my puss; tho' I in'ardly wished the gods,
as the dinner was fit for 'em, was there to
pay for it.

I come of a very clever fam'ly.

The agree'ble gentleman then said,
“Now, I will show you our Club. It dates
back to the time of William the Conqueror.”

“Did Bill belong to it?” I inquired.

“He did.”

“Wall,” I said, “if Billy was one of 'em,

I need no other endorsement as to its respectfulness,
and I'll go with you, my gay
trooper boy!” And we went off arm-in-arm.

On the way the agree'ble man told me
that the Club was called the Sloshers. He
said I would notice that none of 'em appeared
in evenin dress. He said it was
agin the rools of the club. In fack, if
any member appeared there in evenin dress
he'd be instantly expeld. “And yit,” he
added, “there's geneyus there, and lorfty
emotions, and intelleck. You'll be surprised
at the quantities of intelleck you'll
see there.”

We reached the Sloshers in due time,
and I must say they was a shaky-looking
lot, and the public house where they convened
was certingly none of the best.

The Sloshers crowded round me, and said
I was welcome. “What a beautiful brestpin
you've got,” said one of 'em. “Permit
me,” and he took it out of my neckercher.
“Isn't it luvly,” he said, parsin it to another,
who passed it to another. It was given
me by my Aunt, on my promisin her I'd

never swear profanely; and I never have,
except on very special occasions. I see
that beautiful boosum pin a parsin from
one Slosher to another, and I'm reminded
of them sad words of the poit, “parsin
away! parsin away!” I never saw it no
more. Then in comes a athletic female,
who no sooner sees me than she utters a
wild yell, and cries:

“At larst! at larst! My Wilyim, from the
seas!”

I said, “Not at all, Marm. Not on no
account. I have heard the boatswain pipe
to quarters—but a voice in my heart didn't
whisper Seu-zan! I've belayed the marlin-spikes
on the upper jibpoop, but Seu-zan's
eye wasn't on me, much. Young woman, I
am not you're Saler boy. Far different.”

“Oh yes, you are!” she howled, seizin
me round the neck. “Oh, how I've lookt
forwards to this meetin!”

“And you'll presently,” I said, “have
a opportunity of lookin backwards to it,
because I'm on the point of leavin this
institution.”

I will here observe that I come of a very

clever fam'ly. A very clever fam'ly, indeed.

“Where,” I cried, as I struggled in vain
to release myself from the eccentric female's
claws, “where is the Capting—the man
who was into the Crimea, amidst the cannon's
thunder? I want him.”

He came forward, and cried, “What do
I see? Me Sister! me sweet Adulaide!
and in teers! Willin!” he screamed, “and
you're the serpent I took to my boosum,
and borrowed money of, and went round
with, and was cheerful with, are you?—
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”

Somehow my coat was jerked off, the
brest-pocket of which contained my pocket-book,
and it parsed away like the brestpin.
Then they sorter quietly hustled me into
the street.

It was about 12 at night when I reached
the Greenlion.

“Ha! ha! you sly old rascal, you've
been up to larks!” said the lan'lord, larfin
loudly, and digging his fist into my ribs.

I said, “Bigsby, if you do that agin, I
shall hit you! Much as I respect you and

your excellent fam'ly, I shall disfigger your
beneverlent countenance for life!”

“What has ruffled your spirits, friend?”
said the lan'lord.

“My spirits has been ruffled,” I ansered
in a bittur voice, “by a viper who was into
the Crimea. What good was it,” I cried, “for
Sebastopol to fall down without enwelopin
in its ruins that viper?”

I then went to bed. I come of a very
clever fam'ly.