University of Virginia Library

2. No. II.
BANK REPORT.

To the Editor of the N. Y. Daily Advertiser.

Major Downing's Official Report on the United States Bank. Published
by `authority.'

Dear Sir, — I have jest got here after examinin the
Bank; and it was the toughest job, ever I had in my
life. The Gineral was so bent on my doing it, that I
had to `go ahead,' or I'd sneak'd out the first day. I
was nigh upon a week about it, figerin and siferin all
the while. Mr Biddle see quick enuf it was no fool's
journey I come on; and I made some of his folks scratch
their heads, I tell you. I gin 'em no notice of my comin,
and I jump'd right in the thickest on 'em there one
day, when they were tumblin in and shellin out the munny

like corn. `Now,' says I, `my boys, I advise all on
ye to brush up your multiplication tables, for I am down
upon you with aligation, and the rule of three, and vulgar
fractions; and if I find a penny out of place, the
Gineral shall know it. I'm no green horn, nor member
of Congress, nor Judge Clayton, nor Mr Cambreleng,
neither,' says I. As soon as Mr Biddle read the letter
the Gineral sent by me, says he, `Major, I'm glad the
Gineral has sent some one at last that knows something,
and can give a strait account;' and with that he called
all the Bank folks, and tell'd 'em to bring their books
together. `Now,' says he, `Major, which eend shall we
begin at first.' `It makes no odds which,' says I, `all
I care about is to see if both eends meet; and if they
don't, Mr Biddle,' says I, `i'ts all over with you and the
bank — you'll all go, hook and line,' — and then we off
coats and went at it. I found some of them are fellers
there plagy sharp at siferin. They'd do a sum by a
kinder short Dilworth quick as a flash. I always use a
slate — it comes kinder natural to me; and I chalk'd
her off there the first day and figur'd out nigh upon 100
pretty considerable tuf sums. There was more than
three cart load of books about us, and every one on 'em
bigger than the Deacon's family Bible. And sich an
etarnal batch of figerin I never see, and there wasn't a
blot or scratch in the whole on 'em.

I put a good many questions to Mr Biddle, for the
Gineral gin me a long string on 'em; and I thought
some would stagger him, but he answered them all jest
as glib as our boys in Downingville do the catakize,
from the chief `eend of man,' clean through the petitions
— and he did it all in a mighty civil way too, ther
was only one he kinder tried to git round, and that was
— how he come to have so few of the Gineral's folks
among the Directors until very lately? `Why,' says he,
`Major, and Major,' says he (and then he got up and
took a pinch of snuff and offered me one) says he, `Major,

the Bank knows no party; and in the first go off,
you know, the Gineral's friends were all above matters
of so little importance as Banks and Banking. If we
had put a branch in Downingville,' says he, `the Gineral
would not have had occasion to ask such a question,' and
with that he made me a bow; and I went home and took
dinner with him. It is plagy curious to hear him talk
about millions and thousands; and I got as glib too at
it as he is; and how on earth I shall git back agin to
ninepences and four-pence-happenies, I can't tell.

Arter I had been figerin away there nigh upon a week,
and used up four or five slate pencils, and spit my mouth
as dry as a cob, rubbin out the sums as fast as I did
them, I writ to the Gineral, and tell'd him it was no
use; I could find no mistake; but so long as the Bank
was at work, it was pretty much like counting a flock
of sheep in a fall day when they are jest let into a new
stubble, for it was all the while crossing and mixing, and
the only way was, to lock up all the Banks, and as fast
as you can count 'em black their noses.

`Now,' says I one day to Squire Biddle, `I'll jest take
a look at your money bags, for they tell the Gineral you
han't got stuff enuf in the Bank to make him a pair of
spectacles; none of your rags,' says I, `but the real
grit;' and with that he call'd two or three chaps in
Quaker coats, and they opened a large place about as
big as the `east room' and sich a sight I never see —
boxes, bags and kags, all full, and should say nigh upon
a hundred cord. Says I, `Squire Biddle, what on earth
is all this? for I am stumped.' `O,' says he, `Major,
that's our Safety Fund.' `How you talk!' says I.
`Now,' says I, `is that all genwine?' `Every dollar of
it,' says he. `Will you count it, Major?' says he. `Not
to-day,' says I; `but as the Gineral wants me to be particular,
I'll jest hussle some of 'em;' and at it I went,
hammer and file. It raly did me good, for I did not
think there was so much real chink in all creation. So

when I got tired, I set down on a pile, and took out my
wallet, and begun to count over some of the `safety
fund' notes I got shaved with on the grand tower. `Here,'
says I, `Squire Biddle, I have a small trifle I should like
to barter with you; it's all “safety fund,”' says I; `and
Mr Van Buren's head is on most all on 'em.' But as
soon as he put his eye on 'em, he shook his head. I see
he had his eye teeth cut. `Well,' says I, `it's no matter;'
but it lifted my dander considerable.

`Now,' says I, `Mr Biddle, I've got one more question
to put to you, and then I'm through. You say your
bills are better than the hard dollars; this puzzles me,
and the Gineral too. Now, how is this?' `Well,' says
he, `Major, I'll tell you: Suppose you had a bushel of
potatoes in Downingville, and you wanted to send them
to Washington, how much would it cost to get them
there?' `Well,' says I, `about two shillins lawful —
for I sent a barrel there to the Gineral, last fall, and
that cost me a dollar freight.' `Well,' says he, `suppose
I've got potatoes in Washington jest as good as
yours, and I take your potatoes in Downingville, and
give you an order to receive a bushel of potatoes in
Washington, wouldn't you save two shillins lawful by
that? We sometimes charge,' says he, `a trifle for
drafts, when the places are distant, but never as much as
it would cost to carry the dollars;' and with that we looked
into the accounts agin, and there it was. Says I,
`Squire Biddle, I see it now as clear as a whistle.'

When I got back to Washington, I found the Gineral off
to the `Rip Raps,' and so I arter him. One feller there
tell'd me I could'nt go to the Rip Raps — that the Gineral
was there to keep off business; but as soon as I told
him who I was, he ordered a boat and I paddled off.

The Gineral and I have talked over all the Bank
business; he says it is not best to publish my report, as
he wants it for the message; and it would only set them
Stock fish nibblin again in Wall Street. I made him

stare when I tell'd him about the dollars I saw there;
and once and awhile he would rinkle his face up like
a ball of ravilins; and when I tell'd him Biddle would
n't give me any of his `Safety Fund' for any of Mr Van
Buren's that I had with me, the Gineral took out his
wallet, and slung it more than five rods into the brakers.

We are now pretty busy, fitting and jointing the beams
and rafters of the message; and if Mr Van Buren dont
get back before we begin to shingle it, I guess that his
Safety Fund will stand but a poor chance.

The Gineral don't care much about having his head
for a sign board, but says he, `Major, when they put
my head on one eend of a Bank Bill, and Mr Van Buren's
on tother eend, and “promise to pay Andrew
Jackson,” and then blow up, it's too bad — I won't allow
it — it shant be.' The Gineral says, if he allows
Amos Kendle to make his report about the State Banks,
it is but fair to let me publish mine about Square Biddle's
Bank. So I am getting mine ready.

We have a fine cool time here, and ain't bothered
with Office seekers; we can see 'em in droves all along
shore, waitin for a chance. One fellow swam off last
night to get appointed to some office — the Gineral
thinks of making him minister to the King of the Sandwich
Islands, on account of their being all good swimmers
there.