University of Virginia Library

13. CHAP. XIII.

I found myself alone in the stage this morning
greatly to my satisfaction. Nothing, indeed, is so
annoying to a well-bred Englishman, as being in
company with half a dozen of these immaculate
republicans, who think, because they pay the same
fare, they have a right to talk with any of their
fellow-passengers without ceremony. They have,
in truth, a most detestable sociability about them,
which obtrudes itself upon every body, and pays
no more respect to a stranger in a fashionable coat,
than to an old acquaintance in rags. They stand

as erect in the presence of a great man as in that
of a little one, and I verily believe if the king were
to come among them, they would use no more ceremony
in asking him questions, than if he were a
pig-stealing judge. This insolent familiarity is
another of the precious products of the turbulent
spirit of democracy, which, by inculcating the absurd
doctrine of equality, destroys that salutary
deference to wealth and splendour, without which
it is scarcely worth a man's while to be either rich
or splendid. It sickens me to see a fellow in a
thread-bare coat, and tattered wool hat, making
up to a gentleman with his head erect, and his hat
on the top of it, and asking him a question without
the least stammering or hesitation, as you will see
them do every day in this bear-garden of democracy.
The pleasure I felt in being alone, was,
notwithstanding, somewhat alloyed by the idea of
travelling unarmed in this region of banditti, and
without any companions to assist me in case of an
attack. But again, when I came to recollect that
considerably more than three-fourths of the people
of this puissant republic were themselves rogues
and banditti, I comforted myself with the assurance
that if I had any fellow-passengers, it would
be at least three to one in favour of their robbing
me themselves, rather than protecting me from
others.

I soon found, however, that I was reckoning
without my host, in supposing I should be rid of
the annoyance of talking. The driver turned out

a most sociable fellow, and seemed to think it incumbent
upon him to entertain his solitary passenger.
He took occasion to inform me that one of
the houses we passed belonged to no less a person
than himself; that he was sole proprietor of one
hundred acres of land, and that he was only driving
the stage on this occasion in consequence of an
accident that happened to the person who usually
officiated. I thought it best to humour the fellow,
having been assured by an intimate friend, (one
of the writers of the Quarterly,) that if the stage-drivers
of this country got displeased with their
passengers, they always took the first opportunity
in passing a bad piece of road, to upset the carriage
and break some of their bones. As to the risk
they themselves run on these occasions, they think
nothing of it, being at all times perfectly willing
to risk their own necks for the pleasure of revenging
an affront. For this reason all travellers
in this country who wish to escape with whole
bones, make a point of being agreeable to the stage-drivers,
and treating them to whiskey at every
tavern. This is the only way they can travel with
any remote chance of safety.

This being the case, I was resolved to humour
the fellow, and be affable; so I asked what the
accident was which procured me the honour of being
driven by a republican landholder.

“O, a mere trifle,” replied he—“he happened
to get both eyes gouged out yesterday in a frolic.”

“Frolic!” said I—“do they frolic here on
Sundays?”

“To be sure they do—it's an idle day, and what
else should they do—you wouldn't have them
work would you?”

“Why no—but then they might go to church,
you know.”

“Church!—what's that?—O, now I recollect—
I saw a church once in Nova-Scotia, but we've
none in the States, so it would be rather a long
Sabbath-day's journey to find one.”

“Well, but they might stay at home and read
the bible, or some other good book—or they might
at least say their prayers.”

“Read!” quoth Jehu—“why d—n me if I
don't believe you're one of our bloody aristocrats!
No—no—we love liberty too well to oblige our
children to go to school, and they love it too well
to go if we sent them. Nobody can read here
but your emigrant foreigners, and that's the reason
we don't allow them to vote or hold offices.”

A precious admission thought I, the Quarterly
shall know this. “But what becomes of your
children while they are growing up, and before
they are put to a trade, or can work in the fields?”

“O, they are left pretty much to themselves,
to learn the habits of freemen. They play in the
road, and amuse themselves with frightening horses
as they come by. Or they worry the puppies
and kittens for amusement, when there are no lit

tle niggers to set the dogs at. Their principal
business, however, is to learn to chew tobacco,
spit against the wind, drink whiskey, and beat
their mothers for a frolic.”

A hopeful bringing up, thought I. “But is it possible
that you have neither churches, preachers,
schoolmasters, nor bibles among you?”

“Not a son of a b—h of them,” replied he.
“We want nothing here, and, of course, there is
no necessity for praying—nor for parsons and
churches—for your schoolmasters, they only serve
to break down the spirit of liberty, by whipping
the boys—and for the book you mention, I think
I did see one once somewhere or other, but I believe
it was in Nova-Scotia.”

“But what do you do then on Sundays?”

“O, we don't want for amusement—we spend
it in drinking, dirking, gouging, pig-stealing,
swearing, guessing, bundling, and other pleasant
recreations.[1] But we begin to be tired of these,
as you know people will after a while, and besides,
there are hardly any peepers left in the whole country,
and the sport of gouging begins to fail. My
driver and myself were the only two left in forty
miles round, with a pair of eyes a piece, and he
lost both his yesterday, as I told you. I expect
mine will go next.”

“This is quite melancholy,” said I. “What
will you do when there are no eyes to be gouged

out? You will have to set down like another Alexander,
and weep that there are no more worlds to
conquer.”

“No danger of that,” replied Jehu. “There
is always plenty for variety. When the eyes are all
out we fall to biting noses,[2] and by the time they
are getting scarce, the little boys will grow big
enough to have their eyes put out.” It is like the
spring, when one flower pops up, as another fades
—when strawberries are succeeded by cherries,
and cherries by blackberries, and blackberries by
apples, pears, peaches, pumpkins, and potatoes.
But yonder is Princeton, and huzza for a dashing
drive up.”

So saying he cracked his whip, put his horses to
their speed, routed a flock of sheep, ran over a litter
of pigs, two blind men, and a professor of mineralogy,
with his pockets full of specimens, and
finished by upsetting the stage against a pump, to
the great delight of a mob of ragged little republicans,
at the inn-door, who, I afterwards learned,
were students of the college pursuing their studies.
Luckily I escaped with only a broken shin, which
fortunate circumstance the rascal insisted gave him
a legitimate claim to a double allowance of whiskey
at my hands.

Princeton is the capital of old Kentuck, as these
republican slang-whangers call it, by way of expressing
their affection for that dirking, gouging,

swearing, drinking, blaspheming state.[3] Its principal
boast is a college, in which reading and writing
has lately been introduced by the Lancaster
method. There was a formidable opposition to
the introduction of these aristocratic branches of
education, but at length the parents of the students
consented on condition that the matter should stop
here. The legislature accordingly passed a law,
declaring a forfeiture of the charter in case of the
introduction of any more of these pestilent novelties.
The only books they are permitted to read,
are Tom Paine's works; and such is the rigour
with which this statute is enforced, that a student
was expelled the very day before my arrival, for
only having a bible in his possession. It was in
vain that he proved himself incapable of reading,
having got only as far as “No man may put off the
law”—he was made an example for the benefit of
republicanism. What became of the offending bible,
cannot be certainly said, but it was whispered
that the professor of divinity, (a sort of sinecure
here) exchanged it with a pious old lady, for a
starched band which belonged to her deceased husband.

Having an hour's leisure on my hands, I visited
the outside of the college, which is a log-hut of
about a hundred feet in length, with a thatched
roof, the windows of which are all broken, it being
the principal recreation of the students to try their

skill, by throwing stones at a particular pane, and
whoever hits it first is entitled to be head of his
class for the day. I did not enter this classic
fane, having been told that the penalty of such intrusion,
on the part of a stranger, is a gallon of
whiskey, which I did not think worth incurring.
Somebody pointed out to me the field, where, as
these ever-lying, ever-boasting republicans say,
General Washington beat the English and Hessians
most terribly, and took nine hundred prisoners.—
Here I met an old British soldier, who assured me
that he was not only at this, but all the battles during
the American rebellion, and that so far from
this being the fact, it was the British that beat
General Washington, and took nine hundred prisoners
of the Yankees. He further assured me that
they never gained a single victory, in both their
wars with England, and that their whole history
was a tissue of lies from beginning to end. I asked
him why he did not go to England, and write a
history to that effect. “It will be reviewed in
the Quarterly, which will swear to all you say;
certify that you are an honest man, and tell the
truth”[4] —and finally praise your work, so that you
will certainly make your fortune by the sale, and
perhaps get a pension to boot.”

“But to tell you the truth, master, I left his
majesty's service without taking leave. They
might—you understand?” “By no means,” said
I; “hundreds of deserters have been received and

cherished, only by telling the truth of these bragging
Yankees!”

At dinner I was very much annoyed by young students,
who gathered round and amused themselves
with snatching things from the table, so that in a little
time there was nothing left for me to eat. At first
I had thoughts of resenting this impertinent outrage,
but observing that each one carried a dirk,
in a side pocket, the handle of which was perfectly
visible, I thought it prudent to say nothing, and
join in the laugh which accompanied every successful
transfer of meat or vegetables. As it happened,
however, I was sufficiently revenged, for
in the end they fell out about a favourite bit, drew
their dirks, and in less than five minutes, every
soul of them lay dead upon the floor. The uproar
brought in the landlord, two or three professors,
and a justice of the peace, who, instead of interfering
stood by enjoying the frolic, as they called it,
and laughing at every successful push.

The stage now drove up, greatly to my satisfaction,
as I was heartily sick of this classic abode.
Such indeed was my haste, that I jumped in without
paying my bill, which the landlord politely
reminded me of. On making an apology, he replied
carelessly, “O, never mind, sir, this happens
so often with our republican travellers, that
I think myself well off, if one in ten pays me, and
him I always charge for all the rest.” By this time
there was a crowd of ragged students gathered
about, and on its being whispered that I was cer

tainly an Englishman, because I paid my bill, there
was a cry of “Gouge him! gouge him!” which
certainly could have been done, had not the driver
charitably whipped up his horses, and distanced
the barbarians, who followed us for half a mile,
shouting and hallooing like Indians.

That the spirit of democracy should thus penetrate
into the hallowed recesses of learning and
science, is not to be wondered at. Liberty is the
root of all evil; since nothing is more certain than
that if men have not the power to do a thing, the
will signifies nothing. From hence it arises, that
rogues and ruffians are chained to prevent the indulgence
of their bad passions. Nothing is so effectual
in preventing evil, as taking away the
power of doing evil. The more free a people are,
according to the Quarterly,[5] the more wicked they
will be, because the privilege of doing every thing
not forbidden by the laws, will be followed in the
natural course of things, by the liberty of doing
every thing contrary to the laws. These axioms
are so self-evident that it is unnecessary to insist
upon them any further.

After passing through Natchitoches, Passamaquoddy,
Michilimackinac, and other places, whose
appearance is as barbarous as their names, we arrived
at Philadelphia, the capital of the state of
Moyamensing. As this is considered the most
orderly, polite, civilized, and literary city of the

states, I comforted myself with the hope of meeting
with a different reception from what I had
been hitherto accustomed to, among these immaculate
republicans, as the Quarterly says. But,
alas! my hopes rested on a foundation of sand. We
had scarcely entered the city when the stage was
stopped by a crowd of people gathered around a
dead body, that had just been killed. The history
of this transaction is as follows, and furnishes a
happy illustration of the blessings of pure democracy.

It seems a fellow named Ramsbottom, a manmilliner
by trade, and a genuine republican, had
taken offence at a neighbour whose name was
Higginbottom, because his wife had attempted to
cheapen a crimped tucker at his shop, and afterwards
reported that he sold things dearer than his
rival man-milliner, over the way, whose name was
Winterbottom, and whose next door neighbour
was one Oddy. In the pure spirit of democracy,
Ramsbottom determined to dirk not only Higginbottom,
but Winterbottom, and Oddy, together
with their wives, and all the Higginbottoms,
Winterbottoms, Oddys, and little Oddities. It
was a long time before he could get them all together,
so as to make one job of it. At length,
he collected them all at his own house, to keep
their Christmas eve, and determined to execute
his diabolical purpose. It appears, however, that
he had changed his mind as to dirking, from what
followed, for just as they were up to their eyes in

a Christmas pye, a sudden explosion took place,
the house blewup, and every soul perished, Ramsbottom,
Higginbottom, Winterbottom, Oddy, the
little Ramsbottoms, Higginbottoms, Winterbottoms,
Oddys, and Oddities. Such is the ferocity
and thirst of vengeance generated in the hot-bed
of democracy, that this desperado, Ramsbottom,
scrupled not like the republican Samson of old,
to pull down destruction on himself, only for the
pleasure of being revenged on his enemies.[6]

Am. Ed.