University of Virginia Library

4. CHAP. IV.

“Thank heaven,” said I, “I've got rid of the
little Frenchman, the bandit, and his whole crew,”
as I seated myself snugly in the quiet retreat of a
hotel in a remote part of the city. I slept pretty
soundly that night, with the exception of two attempts
to rob and murder me, one by a person who
opened my door, but who seeing the barking iron,
shrunk back and pretended to have mistaken the

room; the other by the chamber-maid, who came
in after I had gone to bed with an excuse that she
had forgot to put water in my pitcher. By the
way nothing can equal the neglect of these turbulent
democrats in all the common decencies of life,
particularly washing their hands and faces. On
board the steam-boats, where there are perhaps a
hundred people, one does not see above two or
three washing themselves of a morning. As they
use no knives and forks, either for want of knowing
their uses, or for fear the passengers would
steal them, it is easy to conceive the disgust an
Englishman must feel at seeing them diving in the
dishes with their filthy fingers. Another characteristic
feature of these people is, that more than
one half of them want an eye, and those that happen
to have two, generally exhibit a black ring
round one or both. On inquiring into the cause
of this peculiarity, I was told by his excellency,
Governor Hancock, that men, women, and children,
were so given to fighting and gouging, that
it was next to a miracle to see one of them without
the want of an eye, or at least a pair of black
eyes, which is reckoned a great beauty in these
parts. So much for the turbulent spirit of democracy,
thought I to myself.

Having staid three days to give the little Frenchman,
the bandit, and the rest of them a fair start,
I thought I might safely proceed on to the south;
accordingly I took passage in a stage and departed
the fourth morning, as usual before day-light, for

the convenience of being robbed and murdered on
the way. This happens generally about three
times a week; but it is in the true spirit of democracy
to sport with property and life. Our road
carried us through the states of Ohio, Alabama,
and Connecticut, among the people of steady
habits, as they are denominated. All I can say is,
that the sooner they change these steady habits the
better, for it will hardly be believed, that we had
scarcely entered the confines of Connecticut, the
very centre of steady habits, when, although it
was Sunday, (a sufficient reason for deterring any
christian highwaymen,) we were stopt by a footpad,
who demanded money with as little compunction
as a he-wolf. Upon my showing my
pistols, however, he sheered off, and the driver
whipping up his horses at the moment, we luckily
escaped this time. The incident of a single
foot-pad attempting thus to rob a whole stage load
of people, furnishes another proof of the fact, that
stage-drivers and stage-owners, not to say a majority
of stage-passengers, are accomplices of these
bands of robbers. Had it not been for my pistols,
we should all have been robbed to a certainty, and
most probably the rest of the passengers would
have shared my spoils. What exhibits the turbulent
and impious spirit of democracy in all its
turpitude, is the fact that the driver, after getting
fairly out of sight, turned round to the passengers
with a grin, and exclaimed, “I guess I've distanced
the deacon.” So that this foot-pad was one of
the pillars of the church!

I have nothing to add in addition to these disgusting
details, except that as far as my sight could
reach on either side of the road, I could see nobody
at work but the poor gentlemen of colour, half
clothed, as usual. The white people were for the
most part employed in getting drunk at the taverns,
running horses, fighting cocks, or gouging one
another's eyes out—the women sitting along the
road, chewing tobacco, and spitting in the faces of
passers by; and the little boys and girls were pretty
much engaged in beating their parents. To
vary these amusements, they sometimes made a
party to hunt a little naked negro with their dogs,
which I observed were all blood-hounds. My
heart bled to see these cruel mastiffs, less cruel indeed
than the turbulent spirit of democracy, tugging
at their naked haunches, and I could not help
invoking the philanthropic genius of the holy alliance
to interfere in behalf of these oppressed beings.

About five in the afternoon we arrived at Bellows
Falls, at the mouth of the Ohio, where I embarked
in the steam-boat for New-York. These
steam-boats, all the world knows, were invented
by Isaac Watts, who wrote the book of psalms.
Yet the spirit of democracy, as usual, has claimed
the honour for one Moulton, or Fulton, I forget
which; although it is a notorious fact, that Isaac
Watts died before this Fulton was born. This
settles the question. But there is no stopping the
mouth of a genuine democrat. Our course lay

upon a river which the Yankees call the East river,
although, to my certain knowledge, it runs directly
west. But it would be tasking the ignorant
spirit of democracy too much to suppose its votaries
could possibly tell the points of the compass.
Indeed I was credibly informed, that their most experienced
navigators universally judge of their
course within soundings by the colour of the mud
or sand, which adheres to the lead, and when this
fails them, trust to Providence.

While sitting in a state of indolent and contemptuous
abstraction, with my back to as many of the
company as possible, I was roused by a sneeze,
that I could have sworn to in any part of the
world. “It is the c—d little Frenchman! Here's
Monsieur Tonson come again!” I would as soon
have heard the last trumpet as this infernal explosion.
In a few minutes he espied me, and coming
up with the most provoking expression of old acquaintanceship,
offered me a pinch of snuff—“Ah!
Monsieur, I am so happy! Diable!—my friend
and I thought we had lost our agreeable companion;”
and, thereupon, he made me a delectable
low French bow, that brought his long nose within
an inch of the deck—he then left me for a moment,
and returned with his friend the veritable
communicative traveller, who had the insolence
to claim acquaintance, from having travelled a few
days in the same stage with me. A good sample
of the forward, impudent spirit of democracy! I
expected every moment to see the great bandit with

his dark lantern, to complete the trio, but for
some reason or other he didn't make his appearance.
“Ah! Monsieur,” cried the little Frenchman,
“you don't know how we have missed your
agreeable society. Diable! we have not had a
good laugh since we parted.” Then he offered
me a pinch of snuff, a civility which he repeated
at least a hundred times, in the course of the day,
though I always declined it in the most dignified
and contemptuous manner.

Disgusted with every thing I saw, and most especially
with this rencontre, I determined to mortify
these free and easy gentry, by taking not the
least notice of any person whatever, and going
without my dinner, on purpose to spite them. Many
of the women looked hard at me, with an
evident desire to be taken notice of; but I always
turned my head away, resolved to have nothing to
say to them. Several persons also came round,
and made attempts to engage me in conversation,
but I answered them in monosyllables, and they
went away, whistling to hide their mortification.
My contempt for the little Frenchman increased
every moment, by observing the pains he took to
be agreeable. He talked, laughed, bowed, offered
his box to every one that came in his way, and
complimented the women, till all were delighted
with him, and he seemed as much at home as if he
had been born and brought up among them. Despicable
subserviency! contemptible hypocrisy! to

pretend to be pleased with these scum of democracy.

When the dinner-bell rang I remained on deck,
until one of the waiters came up to tell me dinner
was ready. I took no notice of him. In a few
minutes the little Frenchman assailed me. “Is
Monsieur ill?” “No!” said I. “No? Eh bien—
what is the matter? Ah! I guess, as these Yankees
say. If Monsieur has no money, never mind, I
will pay for his dinner.” Come, come, I replied
in great wrath, at his infernal mistake, upon
which he went down, and as I afterwards learned,
proposed a subscription for a poor passenger, who
was obliged to go without his dinner, for want of
money to pay for it. One may judge of the humanity
of these people, from the fact that not one
of them contributed a cent. One woman turned
up her nose, and exclaimed, “Marry come up—
I thought as much; pride and poverty generally go
together.” Another declared she would not give
a pin, to save such a rude humgruffian from starving;
and a third pronounced me a strolling player
out of employ. The communicative traveller, on
coming up after dinner, endeavoured to comfort
me for the loss of my meal, by observing I had not
missed much by it. “There is nothing but snatching
and quarrelling for the favourite bits, and the
ladies did nothing but scold, and pull caps. Then
it is, just as likely as not, you would have been
seated between two greasy engine men in red flannel

shirts, one a negro perhaps, (for they all dine
together,) who would have made no scruple of
gouging one of your eyes out, if you had happened
to get possession of one of their tit-bits. You were
well out of the scrape.” Glorious spirit of democracy,
thought I to myself.

Towards evening the boat stopped at a place
called the city of Annapolis. Every thing is a city
here. A blacksmith's shop, with a church, and a
pig-sty, is a city, and must have its corporation,
if it be only that the spirit of democracy may revel
in a little brief authority. An office of any kind
is their darling, and a whole state will be convulsed
about the election of a constable. These elections
are generally carried in the last resort by the
cudgel and gouging; and I am assured that the
number of one-eyed people, and people with black
rings round their eyes, is generally doubled by
one of these struggles of principle. As we approached
the wharf, I was standing among a coil
of ropes, with my back towards the great city,
when one of these sticklers for equality, in a red
flannel shirt, came up and desired me to move out
of the way. The fellow was civil enough, for
that matter, but I only answered his impertinent
intrusion with a look of withering contempt.—
Upon this, he gathered a part of the rope in coils,
in his right hand, and when we were ten or a dozen
yards from the wharf, threw it with all his
force, with a design to knock a person down, who

stood there. But the chap was too dexterous for
him, and caught the end of the rope in his hands,
which he immediately fastened to a post. The
whole brunt of this Yankee joke fell upon me, for
my feet being entangled in the end of the rope
thus thrown, it tripped up my heels and laid me
sprawling on the deck. The little Frenchman officiously
helped me up, and offered me a pinch of
snuff, by way of comfort; but as for the democratic
gentry, they seemed rather to enjoy the thing, and
if the truth was known, I dare say were at the
bottom of the joke. I cursed the fellow heartily;
but he coolly answered—“'Twas your own fault;
I asked you to get out of the way.” So much for
the turbulent spirit of democracy.

I stept ashore, to escape the giggling of these
polite republicans, and rambled to the distance of
a couple of hundred yards. While here, I heard
a bell toll, and then a hallooing, and saw them
making signals for me to come on board; but I
was determined to treat them all with silent contempt,
and continued my walk in a direction the
other way. The shouting continued, and I don't
know how far I might have strolled, if I had not
been suddenly roused by the noise of the boat's
wheels. Turning round, I found the vessel was
fairly under way; whereupon I condescended to
run and halloo as hard as I could bawl. After some
little delay the wheels were stopped, and a boat
sent off to take me on board, where, instead of

making an apology, the brute of a captain told me I
deserved to have been left behind. “If it had not
been for the persuasions of your friend,” pointing
to the little Frenchman, “you might have staid
ashore till next trip, and welcome.” “My friend,”
exclaimed I, turning to the officious little mahogany
man with a look of withering contempt, which he
returned by offering his box, and assuring me he
would not have lost my charming society for the
world. These persevering civilities on his part,
and especially this last impertinent interference,
confirmed me in my suspicions, that there was a
deep-laid plan to rob and murder me the first convenient
opportunity. What added weight to these
apprehensions, was the fact of my continually detecting
him and his companion, the communicative
traveller, conferring together every now and
then, with divers shrugs on the part of the Frenchman,
and significant smiles on that of his friend.

When we came to draw lots for our births, it
was so managed by the captain, (who was no doubt
an accomplice,) that I drew a birth in a remote
part of the vessel, forward. But, owing to some
failure in the plot, the little Frenchman and his
companion, both drew births in the after cabin,
which I perceived disconcerted them not a little.
But they soon rectified the mistake; for upon the
complaints of two feeble old gentlemen, that they
should find it fatiguing to go into the forward cabin,
the Frenchman seized the pretext, and with

one of his confounded low bows, offered his birth
to one of the cripples, while his companion did
the same to the other. I saw through all this, and
determined to play them a trick, by lying awake
all night, to watch them, with my pistols ready.

Late in the night, and when all the lights were
out, I heard somebody get out of a birth on the
opposite side where the little Frenchman slept.—
The person went upon deck, and after staying a
minute or two, groped his way down again, and
cautiously approached where I lay, with my pistol
cocked. Presently he laid his hand upon my
throat, doubtless with an intent to choak me first,
and rob me afterwards, at leisure. At this instant
I fired my pistol, just as the little Frenchman ejaculated,
in a whisper, “Diable! I am lost!” Confusion
reigned, lights were brought, and the whole
affair was disclosed. I solemnly charged the little
Frenchman, who had escaped my shot, with
an attempt to rob and murder me; while he as solemnly
asseverated, that he had got up upon a necessary
occasion, and, on his return, took the right
hand instead of the left, by which means he had
encountered my birth instead of his own, which
was directly opposite. The passengers, captain
and all, being, without doubt, accomplices in this
attempt, sided with the Frenchman; believed
every word he said, and gravely advised me to
take care how I fired pistols in the cabin of a steam-boat.
This was all the satisfaction I got for this
nefarious attempt. The little Frenchman even

had the assurance to play the injured party, and
actually offered to forget and forgive. “It was all
a mistake,” said he, “and let us think no more
of it.” So he offered me a pinch of snuff, which
I rejected with dignified contempt.