University of Virginia Library

RESPECTABLES.

There are an almost incalculable number of respectables
in town—both respectable things, as
churches, eating-houses, slop-shops, and the like;
and respectable people, as lawyers, note-shavers, fops,
and women. I have been puzzling my brain for a
long time, in the hope of finding out what it was that
made a particular broker or play-house respectable.

You shall have, Fritz, the result of my observations,
though they are by no means definitive, and

will serve only to show a few modifications of what
the town, in its wisdom, is pleased to dub—respectable!
Nor will I promise but that these observations
themselves, shall be very much modified by further
discoveries.

My neighbor, the grey-haired lodger above stairs,
is certainly a most respectable man, though he has
rarely a sixpence of change about him. He bears,
so far as I know, a good name; is regular in his
habits, and has struck me, notwithstanding a
greasy coat collar, as the very pink of respectability
—a sort of standard for the whole class of respectables.
You can judge, then, of my surprise, at
hearing my landlady say to a grocer's boy, who
came with a heavy bill for spermaceti, lemons, and
whiskey, against the tasteful lodger, and who was
very urgent for the money—`that the gentleman
would surely pay—that she had never had a more
respectable gentleman in her house!'

But I find that it is not at all necessary to pay
bills to be respectable; and have been credibly informed,
that very many men about town—both
authors and bankrupts—who are never known to
pay bills, rank as highly respectable. Indeed, on
asking the other day in regard to the character of
a defaulting gentleman, I was assured that he was
eminently respectable. My friend Tophanes informs

me further, that certain ladies who are remarkable
for very great eccentricities of dress, as well as
certain obliquities of conduct, are notwithstanding,
exceedingly respectable. An opera-singer was
pointed out to me as being, off the stage, quite
respectable; and a preacher, whom it was my fate
to hear a few Sundays back, was represented to me
as being, out of the pulpit, every way respectable.

A journalist who indulges in the most wanton
caricatures of good sense and decency, is called a
respectable man; and a publishing house, which
supplies the slip-slop literature of the day, is represented
as a most respectable house.

I hear in all quarters of respectable boot-makers,
respectable dancers, respectable ladies, and sometimes,
though more rarely, of respectable doctors,
and even respectable authors; and I am only surprised
that the Commissioners of the new code have
not included respectability in their list of qualifications
for jurors. So acute a man as Mr. F.
should have had an eye to this matter.

In the general way, I find that a black coat a
little threadbare is a very good type of respectability;
but if it have a velvet collar, the matter is
subject to doubt. A man who comes up from the
country, and pays his house bill regularly, and who
does not abuse the pavements, or the papers, may

pass current as a respectable man for a long period
of time. My landlady, I found, had recommended
me to my laundress, as a respectable country gentleman,
of respectable connections.

A respectable family, as I find, lives in a respectable,
small house,—burns small fires, and enjoys
the acquaintance of a great many respectable people.
The master of the household does a small, but
respectable business; the wife dresses in very respectable
dark mousseline; the daughters attend a
respectable school, and the sons are clerks in a respectable
establishment. Respectable families are
very apt to give tea-drinkings, where you will find
a great many respectable old ladies, who sip Bohea
out of blue and white china—who talk in subdued
tones about the weather, the fashions, the scandal,
the respectable books, and the babies,—and who
discourage hilarity in the younger branches of the
household, by saying,—`My dear, it is not respectable.'
They have a small library of most respectable
books, such as Pilgrim's Progress, Arthur's
Tales, Science Made Easy, an odd volume of the
Arabian Nights, and Headley's Sacred Mountains.
They, of course, subscribe to so respectable a paper
as the Commercial Advertiser. They have a most
respectable way of talking, and do not say anything
of anybody or any subject but what is respectable.

They have a respectable card-basket filled with
very respectable names; and having passed many
respectable evenings at respectable families, I can
of course, commend them to you, Fritz, when you
come up to town, as every way respectable.

The respectable lawyer (there are such) does a
quiet, counsel business, dresses in prim style, and
has copies of Chitty, Cowan, Johnson, and a thumb-worn
`Acts;' — he borrows the New Code, and
Statutes at large, is Commissioner for Rhode
Island or Ohio, has a respectable sign at his office
door, and is known chiefly, if you are particular in
your inquiries, as a respectable lawyer. If a
bachelor, he dresses respectably (only respectably),
lives at a respectable house,—will possibly, in time,
unless a ne exeat be served, marry some respectable
woman,—drink respectable sherry to his Sunday's
dinner, and make out respectable `writs of deliverance.'

The respectable doctor looks very grum at mention
of the Scalpel, but subscribes to the Medico-Chirurgical
— laughs good-humoredly at Forbes'
wit—expresses respectable opinions of Brodie and
Liston—owns a respectably bound copy of Velpeau's
Surgery, which he never reads—does a respectable
business—attends service at a respectable
church (near the door, so that the congregation may

suppose him to be absent)—wears a wise scowl—
has one or two respectable criticisms in condemnation
of homeopathy—drives a respectable gig—and
is known as a respectable practitioner.

The respectable clergyman preaches respectable
sermons, adapted chiefly to very respectable people;
and he is, unfortunately, but too well satisfied with
a respectable weekly attendance, and a respectable
salary; his hearers are, of course, respectable; and
he leads them at a respectable gait, toward the
practice of a highly respectable Christianity.

A respectable author is of somewhat rarer accidence;
it being generally understood among respectable
people, that all the pith, wit, and point
which go to make a writer popular, are by no means
respectable. Dullness may be reckoned eminently
respectable; and not a few of the town authors,
with an eye to this last-named quality, have won
a reputation for respectability, absolutely gigantic.
Their works are read by all respectable old ladies,
and are commended by the New York Express.
But wo be to the writer, young or old, who thinks
to tread on the prejudices of respectable society,
whatever they may be! Wo be to him, if he thinks
to enter any protest against the insipidities and
hollow affectations of the town-life; or to plead
with such strength as lies in his tongue or brain

for a little more humanity of purpose—for a leveling
of those hideous elevations which pride, or impudence,
or gold, have built up in our most Republican
City! Wo be to him, if he pricks, with a
sting that punctures, the wind-blown reputations
that conceit and effrontery have fecundated! Wo
be to him, if his stylus, sharp as a knife, cuts
deep into the calf-skin integuments that hold together
our most worthy life of fashion! Wo be to
him, if he attempt to lift off from the carcass of the
body social, those flimsy, patched-up coverlets of
respectability and propriety, which keep down the
smell of its corruption!

Take breath, my dear Fritz, and we will come
back to respectable young women. The term does
not include genteel young women, or fashionable
young women, nor yet play-actresses—unless, indeed,
the united efforts of Mr. Maretzek and a
prominent journalist, should snatch them from their
fashionable perdition, and set them in fashionable
salons. Irish servant maids are, of course, out of the
question, and much more, those of American birth.
French governesses and German teachers are always
eminently respectable.

Respectable people are remarkably tenacious of
their dignity; and they do not think it respectable
for shabby-looking old ladies, in faded bombazine,

to be shown into their pews at church; nor do they
like to have young women in pea-green silks and
ancient bonnets, ring at their door-bell. They do
not like to have a poor, respectable man build on
the same block where they are living; they do not
think it respectable. They are cautious how they
suffer their respectable boys to play at `hide and
go seek' with poor respectable boys. Of course,
they give respectably to public charities, but do not
like to ask their poor country cousins to dine with
them, when they expect respectable company;—or
to church with them, except on rainy Sundays.

We have seen, you know, Fritz, the best bred
European ladies dining, and even chatting somewhat
gaily with their bonnes; but it would quite
shock the highly respectable women of our Republican
town, to be seen publicly on any terms of familiarity
with a dependant; it would not be respectable.
It is even advisable to close the windows
of a respectable coach, when the respectable owner
is riding with her nurse.

Fashions of dress become respectable for respectable
people, only after the milliners and fashionists
have made them so. The Jagello hat, for instance,
which we are looking for with intense interest,
would be sneered at for a month by all respectable
ladies; after which time of probation, it would become,

by the ordinary current of the town-life, a
most respectable hat; and all the respectable ladies
would tie it to their very respectable chins.
A stage play becomes now and then respectable;
and the Serious Family, after stirring into mirth
the critics and habitués, begins to draw a few respectable
people, who steal in as it were, clandestinely,
in respectable old hats; after a time, they
come openly and laugh boldly at Burton, while between
the acts, they assume a cool air of the highest
respectability!

Ancestry too, comes in for a share of respectability,
and is, I find, the source of a great supply
of the staple. If fathers have not been altogether
respectable, it is well for a respectable young man
to go back to his grandfather, who, if he turns out
one of the small fry of honest mechanics, had best
be docked off the ancestral list, and a trumpery
story dished up, of old English, or Dutch names,
and connections. And such story will serve as admirable
fecund matter for the ingenuity of those
small artists who draw genealogical trees, and for
those enterprising foremen of coach painters, and
card engravers, who contrive coats-of-arms.

It should be remarked, however, that in adopting
this course, the parties will overleap the range
of respectables, and swoop down among genteel

people, or even among `leaders of the ton.' Indeed,
for a matron of rather weak wits, who wishes
to put her boys on an elevated plane—at the very
top, indeed, of the parabola which Mr. W. has so
gracefully cut out of an apple with his pen—it is
much safer to be genteel, than respectable.

Respectability is, after all, slightly vulgar, and
will not cramp inquiry or gossip, one half so well
as decided gentility. Moreover, gentility, from the
fact that it is a trifle more exclusive, comes less in
contact with strong, investigating habits of mind,
which might, in times of forgetfulness, prove fatal.
A substantial coach, with the blinds drawn, and a
magnificent house, very quiet, gloomy, and close, are
almost impenetrable; and if the house should be opened
for a ball, why the men are accessible (unless engaged
on church business) who will supply music,
suppers, crockery, carriages, and company, for a
respectable commission on the valuation.

In the rub and jam, nothing will be easier than
to escape irksome téte-à-téte; and the little bijouterie,
and papier maché ornaments, will establish
reputation on the score of taste—to say nothing of
a few well-scattered French novels—De Trobriand's
Revue, and a well-thumbed Lorgnette!

Respectable tea-parties, you must observe, are
subject to quicker scrutiny; they should by no

means be indulged in, by those who have any
doubts on the score of their breeding. You may
take this as an axiom not without its worth:—vulgar
people had better not ape respectability; it is
safer to be genteel. Or, if I were to put it in the
form of a syllogism—which, if it were not better
than the best of Senator Foote's, I should be ashamed
to repeat even to myself—it would be thus:—

Respectability promotes inquiry;

Ill-bred people are sensitive to inquiry;

Therefore, ill-bred people had best eschew respectability.

Please to lodge that middle term, Fritz, in your
cranium, as another axiom which will prove explanatory
of a great deal of town talk, and action.

As for Ancestry, I must say no more of it, since
I am intending to furnish, with the aid of the gray-haired
lodger, a full chapter upon pedigree; which,
when it appears, you may be assured, will be as
well worth possession by town livers, as the British
Herd-Book to Durham-Cattle Breeders, or the Turf
Register to cockney sportsmen.

Town respectability may be summed up, as a
sort of emasculated honesty. It is a kind of decent
drapery, which society purloins from what Burke
calls, `the wardrobe of the moral imagination,' to
cover the shivering defects of poor human nature.

If you can say nothing good of your friend, at least,
—call him respectable. If your neighbor has defrauded
the business community, time and again,
and yet lives in the best of style, prospering in a
new commerce of coffee or cotton,—call him respectable.
If a lady has forgotten herself, her duty,
or her husband, she can creep under this elastic
screen of respectability. If a clergyman preaches
doubtful sermons, or practices doubtful sins,—dub
him respectable. If you are caught chatting familiarly
with your coachman, or your tailor, you have
only to say—they are respectable. If your newspaper
is dull and prosy, and given to long, tedious
twaddle,—it is, at least, highly respectable. There
is no vitality, no earnestness, and no independence
in town respectability. There are plenty
of respectable politicians, respectable writers, and
respectable women; but I never heard of a respectable
hero, a respectable Christian, or a respectable
philanthropist.