University of Virginia Library

WAYS OF GETTING INTO SOCIETY.

Tophanes, who is something of a philosopher in
his way, as well as a wag, has arranged from his
note-book, what he calls a schedule of the prerequisites
to fashionable success. He has arranged it in
the pretentious manner of those public economists
and politicians who make a reputation by their synopses
and arrangement of figures. It certainly
has a business-like and authentic air; and though
I must confess to ignorance of its entire credibility,
as well as to sundry of its allusions, it shall
come in precisely as he has prepared it. Prerequisites:—

1st. Money,
Name,
Swagger.

2d. Person,
Impudence,
Mr. Browne.

3d. Display,
Music,
A Coach.

4th. Parties,
Politics,
Invention.

5th. Literature,
Moustache,
Taste.

6th. Religion,
Propriety,
Honesty.

7th. Good-Nature,
Modesty,
Indifference.

Following out his analytical arrangement, Tophanes
has written against each item of his schedule
the names of such as have gained, or still
maintain position, by possession of the prerequisite
with which they stand credited. But since I have
taken Heaven to witness, in the name of old Le
Sage, that I have no personal intent, the names
must be suppressed.

But although these are noted as the prerequisites,
they are not always the absolute causes of success;
and I am assured that not a few with unbounded
means, either from lack of name, or too great impudence—or,
what amounts to the same, too great
modesty—are reckoned quite upon the outskirts of
society. Others again, with abundance of swagger,
yet from a want of either money or music, are
in an almost hopeless state of exile. Still others,
possessing creditable names, are so unfortunately
addicted to propriety or religion, as to render them
utter outcasts. Even Literature, as Tophanes informs
me, without the aid of a moustache, or Mr.
Browne (who I suppose to be a writer for the Literary
World), is a mere nullity; and many a poor
poetaster, in sheer ignorance of Derby and Martell,
has uttered lamentable Jeremiads over his fallen
state, and hung his harp upon the willows. Religion
of itself is not altogether hopeless, provided it be

of a striking and brilliant sort—well spiced up with
startling doctrines, which are altogether in advance
of the old hum-drum order. Thus, a bishop who has
a leaning toward the worship of the Virgin, or a
layman who is strictly tractarian, or a lady who
inclines to private confession and rosaries, or a
trinitarian who verges upon the unity, or a papist
who curses the Pope, are all in a fair way to make
their profession brilliant.

Taste will do very well, but must be properly
guided; and I am assured, that several interesting,
and well-intentioned young men have ruined their
prospects by too great independence in this matter.
It is by no means worth while to express an opinion
about a new opera, or a new picture, before
ascertaining the views entertained by the Home
Journal, De Trobriand's Revue, or the Courier and
Enquirer; and if these could be confirmed by the
opinion of a `distinguished leader of the ton,' the
sooner they are promulgated the better for a man's
reputation. As for expressing a contrary opinion,
none venture upon it, except a few stupid fogees,
who frequent the Society Library, and who read
the London Athenæum.

So with regard to etiquette, and the parure of
balls; nothing would be more fatal, Tophanes tells
me, than for a simple-minded young man to advance

observations upon these subjects, which
would militate against those entertained by a
`French nobleman,' or Martell.

Taste, upon the whole, appears to be rather a
dangerous element in the character of an aspirant;
and if it be rude—that is to say, cultivated under
such old-fashioned teachers as Burke, Alison, and
Reynolds, it had much better be kept in abeyance,
until it shall have become rounded into the graces
of the town dicta. On some topics, indeed, a little
latitude is allowable, such as Forti's singing, or Melville's
last book, or Mrs. Butler's horseback riding;
but woe be to the unfortunate young man, who in
a moment of forgetfulness, should express admiration
for Beneventano's voice, or smile at Sanquirico's
pantomime, or think Truffi any thing but exquisite,
even in black satin.

Indeed, it would be quite unsafe for an ambitious
young man to venture without some previous preparation
on the score of tasty remark, into one of
our town galleries; for if he should inadvertently
linger before a painting which had not received the
stamp of approbation from those who guide in these
matters, it would at once blast his reputation. I
am not a little surprised that some of our publishers
who have latterly taken to stealing occasional matter
from the journals, should not venture upon the

preparation of a little text-book of taste, carefully
compiled from the Home Journal, the Day-Book, and
Sun newspaper, with notes by the author of `Etiquette,'
and a preface by N. P. W. They might
adorn the title with a Vignette—an Hyperion head;
and for tail-piece, they might adopt a prize of the
Art-Union.

You will be on your guard, then, my dear Fritz,
when you come to the city; and don't make your
friends blush by running counter to the town standards;
get hold, if you can, of an odd number of the
Revue de Noveau Monde, and post yourself a page
or two in taste.

Και ταυθ' ο χρήζων, λαμπρος εσθ', ο μή δήλων
Σιγά.

Whip up your Greek, Fritz, and tell me if this
line from Euripides comes not as pit-pat as in
the Attic Stage-piece, or as any on the fly-leaves
of St. Leger? `Follow the town umpires of taste,
and you may achieve a reputation; neglect them,
and you had better be dumb;' and this translation
is as near the mark, as Gliddon's interpretation of
the hieroglyphies; or as any Opera lady's construction
of the quel che fa, in Don Giovanni!

As for music, it will work social wonders, absolutely
Orphean; and a young lady who cannot
boast her two or three months' tuition from some

Signor Birbone, is lost to all hope of success.
Gentlemen who are without a decided bent in that
way, should cultivate a certain intensity of expression,
which is to be worn at all private concerts,
but rarely to be assumed at the Opera: he
should also learn the meaning of barytone, soprano,
and contralto, and if possible pronounce them with
the Italian accent; he should occasionally look
over Saroni's Musical Times, and get some crude
notions about the difference between the German
and Italian composers. It would be well for him
to know something of the personal history of Lablache,
or Grisi, and he should speak enthusiastically
of Meyerbeer, and rather doubtingly of Duprez.
If caught in the society of those who really
talk knowingly on these topics, it would be best for
him to keep silent, look very wise, and to fill up the
intervals of talk, by humming the `Last link is
broken,' or Yankee Doodle.

It would never do to admire the old fashion ballad
singing; and as for psalm tunes, a man had better
be caught listening to `Love not,' from the band
of the Anatomical Museum.

But I must defer, my dear Fritz, saying what
might be said of town coaches and politics, in their
connection with social position, to another letter;
and I shall entertain you, while your are smoking

the lower end of your cigar, with a fragment of a
curious diary, from a fashionable friend of Tophanes'.
You will see that he is almost as little used to
journal making, as many of our later writers of
travels; but there are sparks in him of capital
good taste; and, if I might use the language of the
town critics, though not very scholar-like, it is
clearly the production of a gentleman, and perhaps
a soldier! Tophanes has recommended that
it should be entitled the