University of Virginia Library

5. THE LORGNETTE.

FEB. 21. NEW-YORK. NO. 5.

The Opera-going ladies are, of course, so familiar
with Italian that I shall have no need to translate
for them an Italian motto; but for you, Fritz, over
whom ten years have rolled (and don't blush for
your age) since you regaled yourself on stewed kidneys,
and Orvietto wine, in the dirty trattoria that
stands under the lea of the Roman Pantheon, I
will render the proverb into plain English:—`Who
teaches himself has a fool for his master!' And
now for the application. Sundry wiseacres, guided
by their own penetration, have fixed the authorship
of these papers. Unfortunately however, both for
themselves and the public, they do not at all agree

in their conclusions; and my publisher has latterly
supplied an inquisitive friend of mine with a list of
no less than six or seven different persons, each one
of whom had been represented to him as the undoubted
author of the Lorgnette!

Among the names, I notice that of a prominent
journalist, a classical editor, a newspaper reporter,
a sagacious musical critic, a professed book-maker,
a doctor of divinity, a vamper-up of old jokes, an
erudite merchant, a slashing medical man, and—
would you believe it?—an enterprising literary lady!

Indeed, I had the pleasure, at a late evening entertainment,
of hearing the whole of the last number
read aloud, from beginning to end. And it
heightened not a little the mirth of the matter, to
find that certain critiques upon the piece, which I
hazarded in course of conversation, took vastly well,
from their unsophisticated nature; and they even
drew down upon me, in the end, the titter of the
whole company, to think that a man should be so
ignorant, as I seemed to be, of town society! To
tell the truth, I showed such lamentable ignorance
of the more pointed allusions, that the hostess was
evidently much mortified, and would have come
near to blushing—though she was over forty—had I
not apologized, by pleading a recent return from
the country.

The whole of this company, which was variously
made up of keen, middle-aged women and astute
young fellows of five-and-thirty, persisted in attributing
the work to a certain gentleman of high scholastic
attainment, who has spent many years abroad,
and who was represented to me, as a person of extraordinary
character in various ways. Of course,
I expressed a great desire to see such a lion, and
am promised, by my friend the old dowager lady,
a sight of him at her rooms, on some evening of the
coming week. She hinted, however, that I would
do well to pay particular attention to my toilette
on the evening of the presentation, since otherwise,
he might serve me up in his next, as a bumpkin. I
expressed due thanks, and shall appear in one of
Wyman's best blue coats, elegantly set off with figured
gilt buttons.

A young gentleman who was directly accused of
concocting these weekly opinions in the book-shop
of my publisher, met the charge, as I understand,
with a simper, and a knowing smile—cocked his
hat a little upon one side of his head, and attempted
to whistle a stave from La Favorita, but broke up
before he was half way through. These were certainly
suspicious signs, and had their weight with
the shop-boy.

The literary lady, too, as I am told, denied the

allegation with an air of evident embarrassment—
as, indeed, any woman would naturally deny a
progeny of so very equivocal origin. I wish to
heaven, Fritz, that the state of our morals was such,
that no lady of the town should manifest any
greater anxiety to bely her offspring! And though
John Timon blurts the matter himself,—if the town
striplings did no more discredit to their parentage
than the Lorgnette, there would be little need of
sharpening up these `studies of the town,' aut res
tangere acu!

RESPECTABLES.

There are an almost incalculable number of respectables
in town—both respectable things, as
churches, eating-houses, slop-shops, and the like;
and respectable people, as lawyers, note-shavers, fops,
and women. I have been puzzling my brain for a
long time, in the hope of finding out what it was that
made a particular broker or play-house respectable.

You shall have, Fritz, the result of my observations,
though they are by no means definitive, and

will serve only to show a few modifications of what
the town, in its wisdom, is pleased to dub—respectable!
Nor will I promise but that these observations
themselves, shall be very much modified by further
discoveries.

My neighbor, the grey-haired lodger above stairs,
is certainly a most respectable man, though he has
rarely a sixpence of change about him. He bears,
so far as I know, a good name; is regular in his
habits, and has struck me, notwithstanding a
greasy coat collar, as the very pink of respectability
—a sort of standard for the whole class of respectables.
You can judge, then, of my surprise, at
hearing my landlady say to a grocer's boy, who
came with a heavy bill for spermaceti, lemons, and
whiskey, against the tasteful lodger, and who was
very urgent for the money—`that the gentleman
would surely pay—that she had never had a more
respectable gentleman in her house!'

But I find that it is not at all necessary to pay
bills to be respectable; and have been credibly informed,
that very many men about town—both
authors and bankrupts—who are never known to
pay bills, rank as highly respectable. Indeed, on
asking the other day in regard to the character of
a defaulting gentleman, I was assured that he was
eminently respectable. My friend Tophanes informs

me further, that certain ladies who are remarkable
for very great eccentricities of dress, as well as
certain obliquities of conduct, are notwithstanding,
exceedingly respectable. An opera-singer was
pointed out to me as being, off the stage, quite
respectable; and a preacher, whom it was my fate
to hear a few Sundays back, was represented to me
as being, out of the pulpit, every way respectable.

A journalist who indulges in the most wanton
caricatures of good sense and decency, is called a
respectable man; and a publishing house, which
supplies the slip-slop literature of the day, is represented
as a most respectable house.

I hear in all quarters of respectable boot-makers,
respectable dancers, respectable ladies, and sometimes,
though more rarely, of respectable doctors,
and even respectable authors; and I am only surprised
that the Commissioners of the new code have
not included respectability in their list of qualifications
for jurors. So acute a man as Mr. F.
should have had an eye to this matter.

In the general way, I find that a black coat a
little threadbare is a very good type of respectability;
but if it have a velvet collar, the matter is
subject to doubt. A man who comes up from the
country, and pays his house bill regularly, and who
does not abuse the pavements, or the papers, may

pass current as a respectable man for a long period
of time. My landlady, I found, had recommended
me to my laundress, as a respectable country gentleman,
of respectable connections.

A respectable family, as I find, lives in a respectable,
small house,—burns small fires, and enjoys
the acquaintance of a great many respectable people.
The master of the household does a small, but
respectable business; the wife dresses in very respectable
dark mousseline; the daughters attend a
respectable school, and the sons are clerks in a respectable
establishment. Respectable families are
very apt to give tea-drinkings, where you will find
a great many respectable old ladies, who sip Bohea
out of blue and white china—who talk in subdued
tones about the weather, the fashions, the scandal,
the respectable books, and the babies,—and who
discourage hilarity in the younger branches of the
household, by saying,—`My dear, it is not respectable.'
They have a small library of most respectable
books, such as Pilgrim's Progress, Arthur's
Tales, Science Made Easy, an odd volume of the
Arabian Nights, and Headley's Sacred Mountains.
They, of course, subscribe to so respectable a paper
as the Commercial Advertiser. They have a most
respectable way of talking, and do not say anything
of anybody or any subject but what is respectable.

They have a respectable card-basket filled with
very respectable names; and having passed many
respectable evenings at respectable families, I can
of course, commend them to you, Fritz, when you
come up to town, as every way respectable.

The respectable lawyer (there are such) does a
quiet, counsel business, dresses in prim style, and
has copies of Chitty, Cowan, Johnson, and a thumb-worn
`Acts;' — he borrows the New Code, and
Statutes at large, is Commissioner for Rhode
Island or Ohio, has a respectable sign at his office
door, and is known chiefly, if you are particular in
your inquiries, as a respectable lawyer. If a
bachelor, he dresses respectably (only respectably),
lives at a respectable house,—will possibly, in time,
unless a ne exeat be served, marry some respectable
woman,—drink respectable sherry to his Sunday's
dinner, and make out respectable `writs of deliverance.'

The respectable doctor looks very grum at mention
of the Scalpel, but subscribes to the Medico-Chirurgical
— laughs good-humoredly at Forbes'
wit—expresses respectable opinions of Brodie and
Liston—owns a respectably bound copy of Velpeau's
Surgery, which he never reads—does a respectable
business—attends service at a respectable
church (near the door, so that the congregation may

suppose him to be absent)—wears a wise scowl—
has one or two respectable criticisms in condemnation
of homeopathy—drives a respectable gig—and
is known as a respectable practitioner.

The respectable clergyman preaches respectable
sermons, adapted chiefly to very respectable people;
and he is, unfortunately, but too well satisfied with
a respectable weekly attendance, and a respectable
salary; his hearers are, of course, respectable; and
he leads them at a respectable gait, toward the
practice of a highly respectable Christianity.

A respectable author is of somewhat rarer accidence;
it being generally understood among respectable
people, that all the pith, wit, and point
which go to make a writer popular, are by no means
respectable. Dullness may be reckoned eminently
respectable; and not a few of the town authors,
with an eye to this last-named quality, have won
a reputation for respectability, absolutely gigantic.
Their works are read by all respectable old ladies,
and are commended by the New York Express.
But wo be to the writer, young or old, who thinks
to tread on the prejudices of respectable society,
whatever they may be! Wo be to him, if he thinks
to enter any protest against the insipidities and
hollow affectations of the town-life; or to plead
with such strength as lies in his tongue or brain

for a little more humanity of purpose—for a leveling
of those hideous elevations which pride, or impudence,
or gold, have built up in our most Republican
City! Wo be to him, if he pricks, with a
sting that punctures, the wind-blown reputations
that conceit and effrontery have fecundated! Wo
be to him, if his stylus, sharp as a knife, cuts
deep into the calf-skin integuments that hold together
our most worthy life of fashion! Wo be to
him, if he attempt to lift off from the carcass of the
body social, those flimsy, patched-up coverlets of
respectability and propriety, which keep down the
smell of its corruption!

Take breath, my dear Fritz, and we will come
back to respectable young women. The term does
not include genteel young women, or fashionable
young women, nor yet play-actresses—unless, indeed,
the united efforts of Mr. Maretzek and a
prominent journalist, should snatch them from their
fashionable perdition, and set them in fashionable
salons. Irish servant maids are, of course, out of the
question, and much more, those of American birth.
French governesses and German teachers are always
eminently respectable.

Respectable people are remarkably tenacious of
their dignity; and they do not think it respectable
for shabby-looking old ladies, in faded bombazine,

to be shown into their pews at church; nor do they
like to have young women in pea-green silks and
ancient bonnets, ring at their door-bell. They do
not like to have a poor, respectable man build on
the same block where they are living; they do not
think it respectable. They are cautious how they
suffer their respectable boys to play at `hide and
go seek' with poor respectable boys. Of course,
they give respectably to public charities, but do not
like to ask their poor country cousins to dine with
them, when they expect respectable company;—or
to church with them, except on rainy Sundays.

We have seen, you know, Fritz, the best bred
European ladies dining, and even chatting somewhat
gaily with their bonnes; but it would quite
shock the highly respectable women of our Republican
town, to be seen publicly on any terms of familiarity
with a dependant; it would not be respectable.
It is even advisable to close the windows
of a respectable coach, when the respectable owner
is riding with her nurse.

Fashions of dress become respectable for respectable
people, only after the milliners and fashionists
have made them so. The Jagello hat, for instance,
which we are looking for with intense interest,
would be sneered at for a month by all respectable
ladies; after which time of probation, it would become,

by the ordinary current of the town-life, a
most respectable hat; and all the respectable ladies
would tie it to their very respectable chins.
A stage play becomes now and then respectable;
and the Serious Family, after stirring into mirth
the critics and habitués, begins to draw a few respectable
people, who steal in as it were, clandestinely,
in respectable old hats; after a time, they
come openly and laugh boldly at Burton, while between
the acts, they assume a cool air of the highest
respectability!

Ancestry too, comes in for a share of respectability,
and is, I find, the source of a great supply
of the staple. If fathers have not been altogether
respectable, it is well for a respectable young man
to go back to his grandfather, who, if he turns out
one of the small fry of honest mechanics, had best
be docked off the ancestral list, and a trumpery
story dished up, of old English, or Dutch names,
and connections. And such story will serve as admirable
fecund matter for the ingenuity of those
small artists who draw genealogical trees, and for
those enterprising foremen of coach painters, and
card engravers, who contrive coats-of-arms.

It should be remarked, however, that in adopting
this course, the parties will overleap the range
of respectables, and swoop down among genteel

people, or even among `leaders of the ton.' Indeed,
for a matron of rather weak wits, who wishes
to put her boys on an elevated plane—at the very
top, indeed, of the parabola which Mr. W. has so
gracefully cut out of an apple with his pen—it is
much safer to be genteel, than respectable.

Respectability is, after all, slightly vulgar, and
will not cramp inquiry or gossip, one half so well
as decided gentility. Moreover, gentility, from the
fact that it is a trifle more exclusive, comes less in
contact with strong, investigating habits of mind,
which might, in times of forgetfulness, prove fatal.
A substantial coach, with the blinds drawn, and a
magnificent house, very quiet, gloomy, and close, are
almost impenetrable; and if the house should be opened
for a ball, why the men are accessible (unless engaged
on church business) who will supply music,
suppers, crockery, carriages, and company, for a
respectable commission on the valuation.

In the rub and jam, nothing will be easier than
to escape irksome téte-à-téte; and the little bijouterie,
and papier maché ornaments, will establish
reputation on the score of taste—to say nothing of
a few well-scattered French novels—De Trobriand's
Revue, and a well-thumbed Lorgnette!

Respectable tea-parties, you must observe, are
subject to quicker scrutiny; they should by no

means be indulged in, by those who have any
doubts on the score of their breeding. You may
take this as an axiom not without its worth:—vulgar
people had better not ape respectability; it is
safer to be genteel. Or, if I were to put it in the
form of a syllogism—which, if it were not better
than the best of Senator Foote's, I should be ashamed
to repeat even to myself—it would be thus:—

Respectability promotes inquiry;

Ill-bred people are sensitive to inquiry;

Therefore, ill-bred people had best eschew respectability.

Please to lodge that middle term, Fritz, in your
cranium, as another axiom which will prove explanatory
of a great deal of town talk, and action.

As for Ancestry, I must say no more of it, since
I am intending to furnish, with the aid of the gray-haired
lodger, a full chapter upon pedigree; which,
when it appears, you may be assured, will be as
well worth possession by town livers, as the British
Herd-Book to Durham-Cattle Breeders, or the Turf
Register to cockney sportsmen.

Town respectability may be summed up, as a
sort of emasculated honesty. It is a kind of decent
drapery, which society purloins from what Burke
calls, `the wardrobe of the moral imagination,' to
cover the shivering defects of poor human nature.

If you can say nothing good of your friend, at least,
—call him respectable. If your neighbor has defrauded
the business community, time and again,
and yet lives in the best of style, prospering in a
new commerce of coffee or cotton,—call him respectable.
If a lady has forgotten herself, her duty,
or her husband, she can creep under this elastic
screen of respectability. If a clergyman preaches
doubtful sermons, or practices doubtful sins,—dub
him respectable. If you are caught chatting familiarly
with your coachman, or your tailor, you have
only to say—they are respectable. If your newspaper
is dull and prosy, and given to long, tedious
twaddle,—it is, at least, highly respectable. There
is no vitality, no earnestness, and no independence
in town respectability. There are plenty
of respectable politicians, respectable writers, and
respectable women; but I never heard of a respectable
hero, a respectable Christian, or a respectable
philanthropist.

OLD BEAUX.

I now and then meet, dear Fritz, with some old
vestiges of the beau-craft, which existed twenty years
ago. They were nearly my contemporaries, it is

true, but they have much the advantage of me in
having kept up an acquaintance with the beau
monde of the town, while I have been wandering,
—Heaven knows where. They are quite curious
specimens of our kind, and are deserving of one of
those accurate observations, which my lorgnette is
sure to furnish.

With no great physical attractions, they yet
dress in the top style;—perhaps sport a beard, or
imperial, or both, to conceal the lines which age
has wrought in their chins. They use the best
pomades on the town, and are capital authorities
for whoever is on the look-out for a good tailor, boot-maker,
or barber. They sneer, of course, at what
they call the frippery of the day, and are particular
in their attentions to very young ladies. They
are usually club-men, and assume a sort of dignity
and importance in the reading-room and restaurant,
which is graciously accorded them. They play a
good hand of whist, at a quarter the corner, with
some old-fashioned observances in the game, which
would not have done discredit to Mrs. Battle.
They take, too, a quiet pleasure in an occasional
half hour at `old sledge.'

They make excellent diners-out, and are sure to
fish up an invitation or two a week, from some of
their former companions, who have now homes of

their own. They take the liberty of cracking very
bold jokes with their friends' wives; and are partial
to `old particular' Madeira. They, of course, are
full of anecdotes, more especially of that equivocal
sort, which follows the retirement of the ladies,
and which, for one hearing, are quite passable.
They are full of wise saws about government and
society; and are exceedingly violent in their ridicule
of the parvenus of the day. Though they are
not partial to parties,—most of them having become
slightly rheumatic,—they pay evening calls, and
are particularly earnest in their movements among
the boxes at the Opera House.

They are great admirers of beauty,—make frequent
mention of the favors they have received
from certain ladies, `they would not like to name,'
and are particularly delighted when they are accused
in private conversation, of being `dangerous
dogs.' They talk of marriage as if every lady of
the town was on the qui vive to possess them, and
as if they had still fair prospects of a numerous
and stalwart progeny. They are great favorites at
tea-parties, where spinsters congregate, and can
handle a pair of sugar-tongs as daintily as their
own legs. They are dabsters at a compliment;
and some few of a literary turn, have been known
on special occasions to make sonnets, scarce inferior

to those of Mr. Benjamin. They have no
charity for the small fry of authorlings, which
swarm upon the town; and abuse them all in round
style.

They know, of course, nearly all the world, and
sneer very confidently at the few whom they do not
know. They talk in a familiar strain with clergymen
and editors of popular journals; and they cultivate
a certain indifference and carelessness of
manner in the bar-rooms, and in the street, which
is quite remarkable. Nothing disturbs them more
than to fall in with a really earnest man, who is
disposed by his talk to prick them out of their lethargic
state, and to try the metal of their old coin of
opinion; they have no means of dealing with such a
fellow, but to condemn him as a flippant coxcomb.
They affect an uncommon knowledge of French,
and of all the finer accomplishments; they are quick
to detect, what they reckon breaches of etiquette,
and are precise—even to pocketing a dry crust at
table, to clean their white gloves for an evening.

They manage to get an introduction to most of
the reigning belles, and talk much about them,
though they know very little. They call themselves
connoisseurs in brandy and paintings; and have
a peculiarly sweet tooth for French entremets; and
such as have an unpronounceable name, they think

very fine. They wear a heavy signet ring, and cultivate
a delectable familiarity with house-maids,
and opera-singers. They assume a very patronizing
way with the daughters of their old friends,—
call them by their first names,—will sometimes
venture a kiss,—write them valentines, and give
them small presents of bijouterie.

They pride themselves hugely on a handsome
foot, a genteel figure, or a very bushy beard; and
express plaintive regrets for the great number of
young women whom they have unsuspectingly
made unhappy. They are fond of showing their
friends little billets, directed in a very delicate
hand-writing, and though they do not exhibit their
contents, they wink in a way that makes one sympathize
deeply with the unfortunate victims of their
address, and agreeable qualities. They have a
carefully cultivated laugh, and if their teeth remain
sound, it is open-mouthed. They are of
course very jocular and gay-humored, and are
careful to conceal their occasional sighs; they do
not like to read very fine print. They write very
delicate notes of acceptance to evening entertainments
and dinner parties, and seal with a very
large private seal. They commit to memory the
best portions of the musical critiques in the newspapers,
and yet sneer at the critics as poor starveling

vagabonds; they adopt the editorials of the
Journal of Commerce on matters of trade, and yet
turn up their noses at the opinions of the press.

As for profession, they are very likely (living on
a snug two thousand a year) above that sort of
thing; or perhaps, are plethoric bill-brokers, or
silent partners in a jobbing concern, or small lawyers
with a great many trusteeships in their hands,
or doctors who visit respectable old dowagers, that
have been lingering under hypochondriasis for an
indefinite period of time.

And one of these very old beaux will read the
Lorgnette over his cigar at the Club-house—his
remainder bottle of port at his side,—his head inclining
back,—his varnished boots upon a chair,
and with the most self-satisfied air in the world
will condemn the writer to perdition as an arrant
literary coxcomb; — never once imagining that
John Timon is perhaps his senior by half a score,
that he has helped him out of innumerable scrapes,
and has very possibly seen as much of the world
about us, as he or any of his fraternity.

Pray take it kindly, old fellow; don't let your
asthma or weakness in the joints annoy you too
much; semel senescimus omnes!

There are old belles, too, my dear Fritz, who are
biding their time; and when the humor is upon

me, you shall have their portraits, even to the color
of their eyes, and of their stockings.

CORRESPONDENCE.

I shall publish without any prefatory remarks,
the following letter from a lady: if I might, however,
be permitted to judge from a certain gracefulness
of expression, and an indescribable under-lying
of the savoir-faire, I should say that it came, not
only from the hands of an accomplished lady, but
from one who is perfectly familiar with the improprieties
of the town.

Another letter which has come to hand, as my
paper is going to press, appears to be from a
vivacious young lady, of quick parts. She writes:

I am most sorry to be compelled to withdraw
my claim to Lucia's acquaintance. I am sure she
must be a love of a girl; but Tophanes is her man,
and I shall hand over to him the necessary documents.
Nothing makes me regret my age and
baldness so much as these little kind testimonials,
from genteel young women! Still, Fritz, we can
be young on paper;—and so, thank God, I will be
young! and my pen shall dance its weekly fandango,
as lively as the liveliest of the polka striplings,
—though the rheumatics are warping my shoulder-blades,
and age is wintering my beard with gray!