University of Virginia Library

2. CHAPTER II.

It was with a heavy heart and full eyes, that my poor
mother parted with me; perhaps she thought me an erring
and a willful boy, and perhaps I was; but if I was, it had
been a hardhearted world, and hard times that had made
me so. I had learned to think much and bitterly before
my time; all my young mounting dreams of glory had left
me; and at that early age, I was as unambitious as a man
of sixty.

Yes, I will go to sea; cut my kind uncles and aunts, and
sympathizing patrons, and leave no heavy hearts but those
in my own home, and take none along but the one which
aches in my bosom. Cold, bitter cold as December, and
bleak as its blasts, seemed the world then to me; there is no
misanthrope like a boy disappointed; and such was I, with
the warm soul of me flogged out by adversity. But these
thoughts are bitter enough even now, for they have not yet
gone quite away; and they must be uncongenial enough to
the reader; so no more of that, and let me go on with
my story.

“Yes, I will write you, dear mother, as soon as I can,”
murmured I, as she charged me for the hundredth time, not
to fail to inform her of my safe arrival in New York.

“And now Mary, Martha, and Jane, kiss me all round,
dear sisters, and then I am off. I'll be back in four months
—it will be autumn then, and we'll go into the woods after
nuts, and I'll tell you all about Europe. Good-by! good-by!”

So I broke loose from their arms, and not daring to look

behind, ran away as fast as I could, till I got to the corner
where my brother was waiting. He accompanied me part
of the way to the place, where the steamboat was to leave
for New York; instilling into me much sage advice above
his age, for he was but eight years my senior, and warning
me again and again to take care of myself; and I solemnly
promised I would; for what cast-away will not promise to
take care of himself, when he sees that unless he himself
does, no one else will.

We walked on in silence till I saw that his strength was
giving out,—he was in ill health then,—and with a mute
grasp of the hand, and a loud thump at the heart, we
parted.

It was early on a raw, cold, damp morning toward the
end of spring, and the world was before me; stretching
away a long muddy road, lined with comfortable houses,
whose inmates were taking their sunrise naps, heedless of
the wayfarer passing. The cold drops of drizzle trickled
down my leather cap, and mingled with a few hot tears on
my cheeks.

I had the whole road to myself, for no one was yet stirring,
and I walked on, with a slouching, dogged gait. The
gray shooting-jacket was on my back, and from the end of
my brother's rifle hung a small bundle of my clothes. My
fingers worked moodily at the stock and trigger, and I
thought that this indeed was the way to begin life, with a
gun in your hand!

Talk not of the bitterness of middle-age and after life;
a boy can feel all that, and much more, when upon his young
soul the mildew has fallen; and the fruit, which with others
is only blasted after ripeness, with him is nipped in the
first blossom and bud. And never again can such blights be
made good; they strike in too deep, and leave such a scar
that the air of Paradise might not erase it. And it is a
hard and cruel thing thus in early youth to taste beforehand
the pangs which should be reserved for the stout

time of manhood, when the gristle has become bone, and
we stand up and fight out our lives, as a thing tried before
and foreseen; for then we are veterans used to sieges and
battles, and not green recruits, recoiling at the first shock of
the encounter.

At last gaining the boat we pushed off, and away we
steamed down the Hudson. There were few passengers on
board, the day was so unpleasant; and they were mostly
congregated in the after cabin round the stoves. After breakfast,
some of them went to reading: others took a nap on
the settees; and others sat in silent circles, speculating, no
doubt, as to who each other might be.

They were certainly a cheerless set, and to me they all
looked stony-eyed and heartless. I could not help it, I almost
hated them; and to avoid them, went on deck, but a
storm of sleet drove me below. At last I bethought me,
that I had not procured a ticket, and going to the captain's
office to pay my passage and get one, was horror-struck to
find, that the price of passage had been suddenly raised that
day, owing to the other boats not running; so that I had
not enough money to pay for my fare. I had supposed it
would be but a dollar, and only a dollar did I have, whereas
it was two. What was to be done? The boat was off,
and there was no backing out; so I determined to say nothing
to any body, and grimly wait until called upon for my
fare.

The long weary day wore on till afternoon; one incessant
storm raged on deck; but after dinner the few passengers,
waked up with their roast-beef and mutton, became a little
more sociable. Not with me, for the scent and savor of poverty
was upon me, and they all cast toward me their evil
eyes and cold suspicious glances, as I sat apart, though
among them. I felt that desperation and recklessness of
poverty which only a pauper knows. There was a mighty
patch upon one leg of my trowsers, neatly sewed on, for it
had been executed by my mother, but still very obvious and

incontrovertible to the eye. This patch I had hitherto
studiously endeavored to hide with the ample skirts of my
shooting jacket; but now I stretched out my leg boldly, and
thrust the patch under their noses, and looked at them so,
that they soon looked away, boy though I was. Perhaps
the gun that I clenched frightened them into respect; or
there might have been something ugly in my eye; or my
teeth were white, and my jaws were set. For several hours,
I sat gazing at a jovial party seated round a mahogany table,
with some crackers and cheese, and wine and cigars. Their
faces were flushed with the good dinner they had eaten;
and mine felt pale and wan with a long fast. If I had presumed
to offer to make one of their party; if I had told
them of my circumstances, and solicited something to refresh
me, I very well knew from the peculiar hollow ring of their
laughter, they would have had the waiters put me out of the
cabin, for a beggar, who had no business to be warming himself
at their stove. And for that insult, though only a conceit,
I sat and gazed at them, putting up no petitions for
their prosperity. My whole soul was soured within me, and
when at last the captain's clerk, a slender young man, dressed
in the height of fashion, with a gold watch chain and broach,
came round collecting the tickets, I buttoned up my coat to
the throat, clutched my gun, put on my leather cap, and
pulling it well down, stood up like a sentry before him. He
held out his hand, deeming any remark superfluous, as his
object in pausing before me must be obvious. But I stood
motionless and silent, and in a moment he saw how it was
with me. I ought to have spoken and told him the case, in
plain, civil terms, and offered my dollar, and then waited the
event. But I felt too wicked for that. He did not wait a
great while, but spoke first himself; and in a gruff voice,
very unlike his urbane accents when accosting the wine and
cigar party, demanded my ticket. I replied that I had none.
He then demanded the money; and upon my answering that
I had not enough, in a loud angry voice that attracted all
eyes, he ordered me out of the cabin into the storm. The
devil in me then mounted up from my soul, and spread over
my frame, till it tingled at my finger ends; and I muttered
out my resolution to stay where I was, in such a manner,
that the ticket man faltered back.

“There's a dollar for you,” I added, offering it.

“I want two,” said he.

“Take that or nothing,” I answered; “it is all I have.”

I thought he would strike me. But, accepting the money,
he contented himself with saying something about sportsmen
going on shooting expeditions, without having money to pay
their expenses; and hinted that such chaps might better lay
aside their fowling pieces, and assume the buck and saw.
He then passed on, and left every eye fastened upon me.

I stood their gazing some time, but at last could stand it
no more. I pushed my seat right up before the most insolent
gazer, a short fat man, with a plethora of cravat round
his neck, and fixing my gaze on his, gave him more gazes
than he sent. This somewhat embarrassed him, and he
looked round for some one to take hold of me; but no one
coming, he pretended to be very busy counting the gilded
wooden beams overhead. I then turned to the next gazer,
and clicking my gun-lock, deliberately presented the piece
at him.

Upon this, he overset his seat in his eagerness to get
beyond my range, for I had him point blank, full in the left
eye; and several persons starting to their feet, exclaimed that
I must be crazy. So I was at that time; for otherwise I
know not how to account for my demoniac feelings, of which
I was afterward heartily ashamed, as I ought to have been,
indeed; and much more than that.

I then turned on my heel, and shouldering my fowling-piece
and bundle, marched on deck, and walked there through
the dreary storm, till I was wet through, and the boat touched
the wharf at New York.

Such is boyhood.