University of Virginia Library

64. CHAPTER LXIV.

Clarence's prediction to Harwood was soon verified.
One member of the Faculty being ingeniously managed
according to the sensitiveness of his temper, the other was
to be dealt with on the first fair opportunity. Our worthy
President aimed now to be the Government; in humble
imitation of dear old President Hicoryface—but not by the
same means. Hence he now treated Harwood as a child,
and began to represent him as lacking manly judgment;
and secretly, like Ulysses, by asking insidious, ensnaring,
and doubt engendering questions.

At last a noble and ingenuous young man refused to acquiesce
in an unnecessary and arbitrary change of arrangement
for an exhibition, having previously received a solemn
pledge from the President that the change should not be
made; and that change being, notwithstanding, now made
and,—without the consent of the Faculty. On this, the
Government and without any conference with his cabinet,
pronounced in public and immediate sentence of dismission
on young Heartly. But in this the Faculty neither could

nor would concur; since the President had first violated a
solemn promise, and then out of revenge wished to inflict
summarily a very disproportionate punishment. Hence,
Harwood not only refused to acquiesce in a hasty decision,
but he in private even earnestly remonstrated with the
Doctor; after which Harwood saw Heartly and advised
him not to leave Woodville till regularly and legally ordered
so to do by the Faculty.

Well, this was just what the worthy President desired;
and he forthwith, both publicly and privately, denounced
usher Harwood as having rebelled against the Government!
Nay! as guilty of resistance and ingratitude to his father!
And, therefore, Harwood himself must and should leave the
College! He declared, and in no measured terms, that it
was High Treason in Mr. H. to visit a dismissed student;
and then—the President himself, that very day, did visit
the same dismissed student, and implore him to remain,
saying he never would have suspended him had he not
been secretly advised so to do by Harwood himself!

This placed our learned men in what is called hot water;
and gave us a beautiful illustration of the scriptural sentiment,
“how beautiful a thing it is for brethren to dwell together
in unity!”

“Harwood as yet believed no plan was laid for his over-throw.
He thought the Doctor was sorry for his haste, as he
both in public and private, professed to be, himself attributing
his own rashness and forgetfulness to the disordered state of
his nerves; and, as young Heartly had by the Doctor's
own decree, been reinstated. Still rumors were afloat that
mischief was brewing. Harwood, however, uttered no
threat and laid no plans either of attack or defence, but
was, as usual, wholly and laboriously busy with the duties
of his office. He rarely, in truth, taught less than five
hours a day, and oftener more than six!

On the contrary, the President true to his favourite rule,

that his main duty was “to watch and administer the discipline,”
rarely taught more than One Hour a day; and
that, sometimes, on horseback! Hence he had abundant
leisure to exercise, as he termed it, “parental care and government
over all!”

The extent and mode of this care and government may
be understood by what was afterwards called in the Purchase
“the Celebrated Saturday.”

On that day Harwood, just before the bell for morning
exercises in College, when all the Students and all the
Faculty statedly assembled for certain duties, knocked at
the door of Little College, and thus, in evident perturbation,
addressed Mr. Clarence:—

“Clarence! something is brewing, I do believe”—

“Why?”

“The Doctor has sent for eight or ten Students for a
body guard!”

“A body guard!—against what?”

“I can't imagine: the Manton's were asked—and Bloduplex
told them he was in fear of some violence, and asked
their aid in protecting him. One brother went; the other
declined, and has just now given me the information.
What can the man be about?”

“Your ruin! But why does so large and able bodied a
man ask for a guard, and in addition to his sword-cane? or
why does he not apply to the civil authority? Hark!
there's the bell —”

“Yes! and see!—there, sure enough, is Bloduplex coming
not only with his sword-cane, but with at least
twelve of the Students around him! What is he driving
at?”

“Let us go—we shall soon find out?”

All now entered the Hall and took their places. The
Faculty as usual ascended the Rostrum; where the Government
took his customary central seat, between Clarence

on his right and Harwood on his left. And then,
immediately after Prayer! solemnly and tearfully done by
the venerable Pedagogue, that curious personage commenced
as follows:

“My dear—(mellow voice)—children:—For I must call
you children,—I shall not pursue the ordinary course of
our duties to day. Instead of that I design to go into a full
explanation of the nature and propriety of my government.
But as some things, by certain persons, have been said
against that government, I beg leave to read to you first,
my dear children, a few out of very many papers and testimonials
in my possession, to shew you what good judges
in other places have thought about me as a President, and
what they do yet think.”—(Here the President read his
certificates, consisting of official dismissions from sundry
ecclesiastical and literary bodies, and several highly laudatory
letters and notes from former pupils; and among them
a very eulogistic one from the Hon. Stulty Pistolpop, who
probably admired the Clergyman's sword-cane-propensities:
the effect of all which documents being very happy
on the Judges—the Students now seated below as a court
of appeals—and making them, for a time, think their Father
the Government was really as great and good a man
as he was cracked up to be,)—“And so you see my dear
children—(voice very tender)—may I not consider myself
after all this competent to the government of this college?

“But I wish now to say that my system is wholly parental.
It is not regulated by printed or written rules and
laws, or by the precedents of other colleges, where some
people have imbibed arbitrary notions: no, the parental
system is that of a father in governing his family—it depends
on circumstances—it differs with cases. Some Faculties
govern only by rules—rebuking, suspending, expelling,
according to the letter. They will take no pains to
discriminate; they fix the iron bed and stretch out and lop

off till every one is made to fit. Is that right, my DEAR
children?—(Several of the Court of Appeals cried out
`No! it is not.')—No, indeed, it is not: and persons that
thus govern are not fit to govern—are they?”—(No!—from
the tribunal below.)—“Deeply do I regret to say that the
worthy gentlemen of the Faculty seated on my right and
left do not agree with me in these views; for instance, Professor
Clarence would have urged me to discipline Mr.
Smith according to rule —”

Here Mr. C. interrupted—

“Doctor Bloduplex I cannot submit to this public insult
and injustice —”

“Sit down, sir—don't interrupt me, sir!”

“I will not sit down till I explain—”

“Mr. Clarence you may speak when I am done.”

“Well, sir, go on; but do not endeavour to prejudice the
minds of these young men against me.”

The reverend President went on; and, although he alluded
repeatedly to Mr. C. and named many private and
confidential matters to his prejudice, that gentleman concluded
to let the personage have rope enough to hang himself
metaphorically or, otherwise.

“Well now, my dear children,—(voice thrilling)—let
me imagine a case of parental government, and propose it
for your consideration and vote. Suppose a young man,
rash and without judgment, was to pursue a rebellious
course against a President and Father of a college; and
that after every means of private rebuke—yes!—(voice
sobby)—after earnest and affectionate entreaty;—(voice
breaking)—yes! and suppose after—(sob)—his Father—
(sob,sob,)—had even shed tears over him;”—(Here irrepressible
sobs and tears for a few moments choked the
Government; and many of the judges wept out audibly)—
`Suppose the poor rebel's Father should drop on his knees
before the ungrateful boy, as I now kneel before you!”—

(The Government now dropped on both knees on the floor
of the rostrum, in open view of all the students)—“and
should weep before him!”—(Here a gush of many tears
burst from the wretched man—and weeping was audible,
all over the court below)—“And should, with his hands
imploringly clasped thus—(action to word)—entreat and
beseech that poor rebellious child!—And suppose that
child, while his Father was thus on his knees!—thus imploring!—thus
weeping!—oh! suppose that child should
spit in his Father's face!—ought not that wicked child to
be instantly cut off from college and expelled from it forever?”

“Yes! yes! he ought, he ought!”—was answered by
many, if not all the Students: upon which the Government,
still kneeling and with hands in an imploring attitude,
cried out with great tenderness and gratitude, thus:

“Thank you, my dear children—thank you!”—Then
rising from his knees, the miserable Government sank back
exhausted with his exercises—(and they were pretty severe)—into
his central seat, and hiding his face—(properly
enough)—in his hands, he remained thus some moments,
sobbing and recovering; perhaps considering the next act.
Hence, taking advantage of this pause between the acts, we
will enlighten the reader as to some matters.

Be it known then, that the rebellious and wicked young
dog represented by our Grand Actor, was intended to be
Professor Harwood! But none of the tender scene had
ever occurred in private; although the Actor wished the
audience to think so. On the contrary, when our Professors
respectfully yet earnestly had remonstrated against the
haste and illegality of Mr. Heartly's dismission by the sole
act of the President, Doctor Bloduplex had fallen into an
outrageous fit of anger: nay, raising his clenched fist, he
had stamped with fury on the floor of his study, and exclaimed—“I

care nothing for the Faculty or the Board of
Trustees—I will stamp them under my feet!”

Some may think the acting described thus far must have
injured the actor himself. But, gentle reader, it was done
to the very life! Clarence said, he should have been deceived
himself, had he not discerned the hoofs and the tail.
Had the performer confined himself to his rehearsed parts,
and not ventured on a certain extemporaneous playing to
be named presently, Harwood and Clarence would have
encountered that day a tempest in the outcries of the Students,
which must have immediately driven them from
their offices—perchance with bloody noses, black eyes and
cracked pates!

Let a band of generous young men, a little inclined to
the mobocratical tendencies of the New Purchase, fully believe
all that a venerable and not ill looking clergyman tells
them; let them once think that such a man did kneel to his
junior, and dehort with tears, and at that moment was basely
struck and spit upon by that youth, and there is no act of
violence to which such an excited and indignant company
may not be led or coaxed.

For a while our Professors sat as in a dream! So curiously
wonderful was that act in the drama of their lives!
Clarence says, he was busy awhile, with a contrast between
the oddity on his knees before them, and gentlemen and
men like Witherspoon, and Ludlow, and Day, and Nott,
and Smith, and Carnahan, and Green! Harwood, the hard
hearted rascal! he sat with such a lip and nose of Kentucky
scorn!—but soon, as was his habit, when having
nothing to do, he began strapping a round-ended blade of
an old pocket knife on his boot—said boot tastefully reposing
on the knee of the other leg!

Reader—that very knife cut the thread of our Actor's intended
speech? Happily it was fit for that kind of cutting,
but for no other: even if heated it would barely have cut

butter! That blade was springless! pointless! edgeless!
I have handled it an hundred times. Oh! Bloduplex! had
it been a dirk! a Spanish blade! a Mississippi tooth-pick!
—what grandeur in that attitude! that look of horror! that
piercing thrill of thy outcry! when starting from thy sobs
and tears, on catching sight of that funny old knife through
thy parted fingers, thou didst thus exclaim and appeal to the
Students:

“Young gentlemen!—take notice—there is a knife open
at my left side!—and I know not for what purpose!”

“Doctor Bloduplex!”—cried Clarence—“no harm is
threatened—I know that knife—it is entirely worthless—
and that is Harwood's habit—I have seen him do it in
church!”

Here something sticking in the Government's throat, he
ejected from his mouth a gob right at Clarence's feet, and
then went on:

“I have reason, my children, to fear Mr. Harwood; and
to protect myself, I asked some of you to guard me to day!
It was natural, then, I should dread a knife so near me;
but I did not mean to insinuate he had it out for a bad purpose
(!)—I only meant to teach him how impolite[2] it is to
be thus playing with his knife. (!!)”

Affairs were now a little disordered: although to the
Professors it was plain this thrust at the knife had hurt the
Government more than the worst thrust from it could ever
have done. Clarence then rose to make his defence before
the Court of Appeals.

“Young gentlemen,” dixit ille, “we have witnessed a
scene both amazing and surprising; hence I shall be easily
credited in saying I have no preparation for it —”

The President interrupted—“If Mr. Clarence means to

insinuate that I had made any preparation, he shall not
speak —”

“Sir”—rejoined the other—I will speak; and I will repeat
that I have no preparation. Further, let the Students
notice that surprised and amazed I am, but not in a passion:
nay that I am calm and, therefore, competent to make a
statement of all facts which, directly and indirectly, the
President of the Faculty has seen fit to bring and lay before
this school. But why he wishes to involve me is wonderful,
as I have already resigned my office, and am only to
remain, by contract, for a few months.” Accordingly, and
spite of re-repeated and brutal interruptions from the Government,
Clarence made his statements and ceased, and
then arose Harwood, and commenced as follows:

“Gentlemen, Professor Clarence has said he is not angry;
but it would be wrong in me not to be angry and indignant
too. Doctor Constant Bloduplex, with all the authority
of his clerical and official station, has openly and
publicly accused me of a design to assassinate him! and
seeks thus, as far as he can, to destroy my moral character
—”

“I did not accuse you, sir!”—said the President.

“Not in so many words, Doctor, but you did insinuate,
and you intended by your whole manner and your words to
insinuate as much.”

“I did not.”

“You did, sir;—you did! And now, as you have put
several things to the vote of the Students to-day, I insist on
putting this matter to vote; and if the Students acquit you
of evil intention I will yield the point.”

“Agreed,” instantly replied the Doctor. Alas! did he
not see the tears of the Students had dried away? Or
dared he not refuse?

Harwood, then, very distinctly stated the question,
thus:

“All the Students who believe that Doctor Bloduplex
did not insinuate that I had out my knife to stab him, affirm
that belief by saying—yes.”

Not a voice responded!

“All the Students who believe that Doctor Bloduplex
did insinuate that I had out my knife to stab him, affirm
that belief by saying—yes.”

“Yes—yes—yes!”—from twenty voices; and from one
louder than the rest—“Yes! I'll be d— if he didn't!”

“There, sir!”—said now Harwood to the delinquent
Government—“You well know you meant your remark for
an insinuation; and sir, it was a base insinuation!”

To this the President vouchsafed no reply. And he
stopped all further preceedings by running down from the
Rostrum and retreating to the far side of the Hall, where
he declared himself now afraid of Harwood, and said he
wished to be surrounded by the Students! And then, after
abusing the Professors, he cried out “let all the Students
who are in my favour follow me to my house;” when
he hurried forth, followed by a few.

Had now our two Professors gone home! But “evil
communications corrupt good manners;” and so imitating
the Parental System, they, forsooth, must have a little talk
with the Students!—many of whom remained. They did
not say much, indeed; yet Harwood was imprudent
enough to say there “Bloduplex is a Liar!” Nay! the
same impertinent language both Professors used afterwards,
the same day, to the citizens of the village! And for this
frightful and outrageous insolence Harwood was shortly after
excommunicated from the Communion of the Church!
True, Harwood had a dreadful provocation;—but what
right had he to twist and squirm about when a Holy and
Reverend Man stamped upon him? Why did he not, like
an humble worm, crawl back wounded into his hole? True,
Harwood offered to bring Clarence, and twenty Students,

to prove the truth of the libel; but “no,” said Bishop Bloduplex,
who himself presided, and advocated, and judged
on the trial, in the inferior court—“no; the greater the
truth the greater the libel: and let him thus be taught not
to slander and abuse a clergyman!”

Ay, and true it was, that Professor Clarence was summoned
before our Grand Jury, and on solemn oath declared,
that to the best of his knowledge and belief there was not
the slightest ground for believing that Mr. Harwood intended
on that Saturday to assassinate Doctor Constant
Bloduplex! But what right had a mere layman to a character?
What right to defend himself, by saying indignantly
that the accusation of Doctor B. was malicious and
false?—What—

“Well, but Mr. Carlton, did not the higher ecclesiastical
court take up the case against Bloduplex on Fama Clamosa?—did
not the officers and members of his own parish
lay the matter before a bench of Bishops?”

No! dear reader, no: but consider, he was the only
Doctor of Divinity in the whole Purchase! He was too
enormous a Big-Bug—and the sting of such is sometimes
fatal!

“Mr. Carlton, what did the President with the Students
that went with him?”

Well, several of his body-guard told the author, and gave
Mr. Clarence written certificates to the same purport, that
“early on Saturday morning the President had sent for and
told them expressly he was afraid of Harwood, and wished
them to protect him from violence;—that they then believed
him, and, indeed, until the knife scene was presented;—that
afterwards they went back with the Doctor,
but only to hear what else he would say;—that at his
house the President treated them with cakes and wine;—
that he then read Clarence's confidential letters, and spent
a full hour in ridiculing and burlesquing his character, and

pronounced him in all respects incompetent to the office of
Professor of Languages,” &c.

Any more questions, reader?

“No, indeed, we have heard enough.”

So I had begun to think. Here, then, let us end our
celebrated Saturday—a day memorable enough, also, to be
the Last of our Seventh Year.