University of Virginia Library

22. CHAPTER XXII.

Our second summer opened with the electioneering
campaign of Mr. Glenville, the people's candidate for a seat

in the next legislature. His opponent, in all intellectual
respects, was unqualified for the seat, being destitute of important
knowledges, void of tact and skill, and having indeed—for
he had been our representative before—only exposed
himself and us to perpetual ridicule. He could read
and write, and perhaps cipher a little, and therefore, was
all along considered a smart fellow, till it was discovered
we had one in the district, “a powerful heap smarter”—
John Glenville, Esq., of Glenville. For John read without
spelling the hard words, wrote like engraving, and could
“kalkilate in his head faster nor Jerry Simpson with
chalk or coal, although Jerry had been a schoolmaster.”
And our neighbor Ashford offered to stake five barrels of
corn, that—“Johnny was jist the powerfullest smartest feller
in the hole universal county, and could out sifer Jerry
or any other man all to smash.”

Glenville's ability, however, would have prejudiced our
cause, had any doubt existed as to his moral integrity; for,
a bad man out there was very properly dreaded in proportion
to his cleverness,[1] and therefore, power to harm. Indeed,
we always preferred an ignorant bad man to a talented
one; and hence attempts were usually made to ruin
the moral character of a smart candidate; since unhappily
smartness and wickedness were supposed to be generally
coupled, and incompetence and goodness.

Our opponents, therefore, neither insisted that Jerry was
smarter than John, nor attacked John's character: but they
contended that “Jerry could do no harm if he did no
good, but that John could if he would, and would if he
took a bad turn; also, that Jerry had been tried once and
did no harm, but that John had never been tried and so no
one could exactly tell what he would be till he was tried.”

To this was answered, that “Jerry could do no good if he
would, and had often voted so as to keep others from doing

us any good, and so had prevented good if he had done no
evil; that John if able to do harm, was also able to do good,
and as he had never done harm in private life, it was reasonable
to believe he would do none in public life; and
that as Jerry had had a trial and did no good, so John ought
to have one too, and if he did harm, we could send Jerry
the year after.”

John was then attacked on the score of pride and aristocracy;
and, as usual, all the sins of his family were laid
at Glenville's door, especially his sisters' ruffles—our metal
buttons—the carpet wall; and above all, Carlton's irreverent
sniggering in meeting. But then, most who had met
us at Susan Ashford's wedding said “we warnt so stuck
up as folks said; and that mammy Ashford herself thought
it was not a bit proud to have a carpet wall, or the like,
and that Mr. Carltin was a right down clever feller, powerful
funny, and naterally addicted to laffin.” And to crown
all, Mr. Ashford himself, and belonging to poor Philip's
sect, publicly avowed that “he hisself had actially laff'd in
meetin—for the water came so sudden like—only he kept
his face kivered with his hat, and nobody hadn't seen
him.”

The enemy then affirmed that Glenville himself had
laughed: but he procured certificates from every body at
church to this point that “nobody had seen or heard John
Glenville laughing; and these were read wherever Jerry's
party had made the charge.[2] For any silly charge, if uncontradicted
out there, and maybe in here—defeats an election:
either because the charge is deemed an offset against
the candidate, or people like to see their candidate in earnest,
and his rebutting allegations looks like zeal for their

interest, and shows a due sense in his mind of popular
favour. Beside, if one neglect a trifling charge, his enemies
will soon bring larger and more plausible ones—
whereas his alertness scares them.

At last it was boldly alleged that “John would have
laughed if he had not expected to be a candidate!” But to
this it was triumphantly replied that “Jerry would have
laughed if he had been at meetin”—for Squire Chippy and
Col. Skelpum gave two separate certificates, that “Jerry
Simpson had laughed when he heard tell of it!!” Hence
poor Philip's sermon was celebrated over all our district;
and everywhere was spoken and even spouted the sentence
“no one couldn't make airth,” and so through all
the four old-fashioned chemical elements: till all men were
ashamed to bring even against “poor Carltin” a charge,
to which all plainly showed, if they had been at meeting,
they would have been equally liable themselves. And so
our party triumphed over what once seriously threatened
to defeat us.

The price of liberty, eternal vigilance, is well paid in a
New Purchase. With us it was watched by all classes,
and throughout the year: it was indeed the universal business.
Our offices all, from Governor down to a deputy
constable's deputy and fence-viewer's clerk's first assistant,
were in the direct gift of the people. We even elected magistrates,
clerks of court, and the judges presiding and associate!
And some who knew better, yet for rabblerousing
purposes, gravely contended that trustees of colleges,
and all presidents, professors, and teachers should be
elected directly by the people!

Our social state, therefore, was for ever in ferment; for
ever was some election, doing, being done, done or going to
be done; and each was as bitterly contested as that of president
or governor. In all directions candidates were perpetually
scouring the country with hats, saddle-bags, and

pockets crammed with certificates, defending and accusing,
defaming and clearing up, making licentious speeches,
treating to corn whiskey, violating the Sabbath, and cursing
the existing administration or the administration's wife
and wife's father! And every body expected at some
time to be a candidate for something; or that his uncle
would be; or his cousin, or his cousin's wife's cousin's
friend would be: so that every body, and every body's
relations, and every body's relations' friends, were for ever
electioneering, till the state of nasty, pitiful intrigues and
licentious slanders and fierce hostility, was like a rotten
carcass where maggots are, each for himself and against
his neighbour, wriggling and worming about!

Men were turned into mutual spies, and watched and
treasured and reported and commented upon, looks, words
and actions, even the most trifling and innocent! And we
were divided, house against house! and man against man;
and settlements, politically considered, were clannish and
filled with animosity. The sovereign people was, indeed,
feared by the candidate who truckled to-day, and most
heartily despised when he ruled to-morrow.

The very boys verging on manhood were aware of their
future political importance; and even several years before
voting, they were feared, petted, courted and cajoled, becoming
of course conceited, unmannerly and disrespectful. Their
morals were consequently often sadly hurt; and boys then
voted fraudulently. Standing either over the No. 21 pasted
in the shoe or between No. 21 in the hat, and No 22 in
the shoe, they would sometimes deliberately swear, when
challenged as to age that they were over 21, or between 21
and 22!! Such depraved lads, destitute of reverence, will
talk loud and long and confidently, in any company contradicting
and even rebuking their betters—and all the time a
rabblerouser[3] affects to listen and admire such firmness

and independence of spirit!! Get out! you scornful puppy!
and do not prate to me about religious cant; can any thing
come up to the cant and whine of a selfish, godless rabblerouser?
And dare such a one say that evangelical missionaries
are not safer guides, and better friends to the
people than—He? Out with you, atheist.

We had of course in the Purchase a passion for stump-speeching.
But recollect, we often mount the stump only
figuratively: and very good stump-speeches are delivered
from a table, a chair, a whiskey barrel, and the like. Sometimes
we make our best stump speeches on horse-back. In
this case, when the horse is excited by our eloquence, or
more commonly by mischievous boys, more action goes
with the speech than even Demosthenes inculcated—often
it becomes altogether circumambulatory.

Once a candidate stood near the tail of Isam Greenbriar's
ox cart at Woodville, when some of his opponents,—(perhaps
some of his own friends, for the joke was tempting)—
noiselessly drew out the forward pins, when at the most
unexpected instant, ay, in the very climax of his most
ferocious effervescence, Mr. Rhodomontade was canted
into the dirt!

Again, our candidate for fence-viewer, with some half
dozen friends, was once hard at work with certificates and
speeches in Sam Dreadnought's wagon; when Sam, having
several miles to drive before dark, and having already
waited two good hours for matters to end, suddenly leaped
on his saddle horse, and then, at a word and a crack,
away dashed the team loaded with politics, very much to
the amusement of the people, but much to the discomfiture
of our candidate.

Nothing surpasses the munificent promises and at the
same time the external and grovelling humility of a genuine
rabblerouser, just before an election. He shakes hands
with every body, friend and foe; he has agents to treat at

his expense at every doggery;[4] and in his own person he
deals out whiskey and gingerbread, as we have seen, to a
long line of independent voters marching past him with
drum and fife to the polls; and he drinks out of any
drunken vagabond's bottle, laughing at his beastly jokes,
putting his arm round his filthy neck, and allows himself
thus to be slobbered upon, while patting the brute on the
back and being patted in turn!

Yet have we noble gentlemen who, when candidates,
are courteous indeed, but who will not do base things, nor
make absurd and wicked promises, and who when defeated
back out with manly scorn of licentious opponents. One
such high minded individual in order to show the folly of
great promises, came out the year after a defeat, saying he
had altered his purposes, and now was a candidate again,
and would if elected exert his utmost efforts to force the legislature
“to abolish the fever and ague, and to pass a bill
to find a gold mine on every poor man's quarter section.”
I forgot whether he was now elected; but he deserved
to be.

Glenville, though full of tact, was independent; although
we did give credit for kip and neats-leather, even where it
was doubtful whether our political friends would pay, and
bought raw hides at higher prices than were paid at Spiceburgh
and Woodville. And Glenville did submit to, or rather
he could not prevent a party with him in a canoe from upsetting
the boat in the middle of Shining River; and who
thus gave the candidate what they called a—“political baptising:”
but whilst this was no dry joke, our friend still, on
swimming to land with the others, joined in the laugh.
This too was a fair type of his immersion into the troubled
waters of political life; and the way he endured the ducking

so established his reputation above Jerry's, that at the
ensuing election a few weeks after, Mr. G. was successful
by a clean majority of 171 votes!

Politicians, even in here, I am informed, are also very
frequently immersed and into puddles; from which they
rarely ever do flounder out, and when they do, it is said,
they look nasty and soiled, and have dirty ways, all the rest
of their lives! But maybe the less said on this point the
sooner mended; and therefore, as Mr. Glenville is now
the people's man, the world expects his history, and we
proceed to treat of the same in three chapters.