LETTER XI.
To Mrs. Fielder.
Philadelphia, October 15.
I have several times taken up the pen, but
my distress has compelled me to lay it down
again. Heaven is my witness that the happiness
of my revered mamma is dearer to me
than my own; no struggle was ever greater
between my duty to you and the claims of
another.
Will you not permit me to explain my conduct?
will you not acquaint me with the reasons
of your aversion to my friend?—let me
call him by that name. Such indeed, has he
been to me: the friend of my understanding
and my virtue. My soul's friend; since, to
suffer, without guilt, in this world, entitles us
to peace in another, and since to him I owe
that I have not been a guilty, as well as an unfortunate
creature.
Whatever conduct I pursue with regard to
him, I must always consider him in this light:
at least, till your proofs against him are heard.
Let me hear them I beseech you. Have compassion
on the anguish of your poor girl, and
reconcile, if possible, my duty to your inclination,
by stating what you know to his disadvantage.
You must have causes for your enmity,
which you hide from me. Indeed, you tell me
that you have: you say that if I knew them
they would determine me. Let then every motive
be set aside through regard to my happiness,
and disclose to me this secret.
While I am ignorant of these charges; while
all that I know of Colden tends to endear his
happiness to me, and while his happiness depends
upon my acceptance of his vows, can I, ought I,
to reject him?
Place yourself in my situation. You once loved
and was once beloved. I am, indeed, your child.
I glory in the name which you have had the
goodness to bestow upon me. Think and feel
for your child, in her present unhappy circumstances;
in which she does not balance between
happiness and misery; that alternative, alas! is
not permitted; but is anxious to discover which
path has fewest thorns, and in which her duty
will allow her to walk.
How greatly do you humble me! and how
strongly evince your aversion to Colden, by
offering, as the price of his rejection, half your
property. How low am I fallen in your esteem,
since you think it possible for such a bribe to
prevail, and what calamities must this alliance
seem to threaten, since the base selfishness of
accepting this offer, is better in your eyes, than
my marriage!
Sure I never was unhappy till now. Pity me,
my mother. Condescend to write to me again,
and by disclosing all your objections to Colden,
reconcile, I earnestly intreat you, my duty to
your inclination.
