 | A sketch of old England |  |
LETTER II.
I invaded London under cover of a great fog, somewhat
similar to that recorded on new year's eve in 1730, when, it is
stated, that many persons fell into Fleet-ditch, and several
prominent noses sustained serious damage by coming in contact
with each other. Among the few objects I could see, was a
person with a lantern, who, I suppose, like æsop, was looking
about for an honest man. You may think, my dear brother,
how scarce honest men must be in London. Alighting from
the stage, there was a great contest for the privilege of carrying
my trunks, like that of the Greeks and Trojans for the body of
Patroclus. In conclusion, the Greek carried the day, as I
found, for a good-natured person apprised me, that if I permitted
their attendance, I should probably never see my trunks
again. I was not aware of the necessity of this caution, as
you know in our own dear honest country, no man hesitates a
moment to trust his baggage with the first porter that offers, be
he black or white. This is not one of those solitary instances
from which no general conclusions can be drawn. It furnishes
decisive proof, that at least one class of people of this country
is not as honest as the same class in ours.
To escape the hacks I called a hack, and by that means fell
“out of the frying-pan into the fire;” that is, if rushing upon a
positive evil to escape a probable one, will justify the old proverb.
He charged me three times the amount of his fare, and
gave me a few bad shillings in change. These bad shillings
are, in truth, as common as counterfeit notes in our country,
and strangers should be equally aware of them. Well, he
drove me to the ****** coffee-house, the name of which,
being derived from my own country, attracted the yearnings
of my inclination. Here the master of the house very soon
are for the most part rogues in grain, all over the world, new
and old, I determined, in my own mind, to let John Bull off
that time, and not denounce him on the score of this universal
characteristic of a particular species of men.
The master of the house advised me to buy a “Picture of London,”
which I did, (not the bastard work yelept the new Picture,
but the genuine standard work) and much consolation did
it afford me. Among the first choice passages I fell upon, were
the following: “Any man who saunters about London, with
pockets on the outside of his coat, or who mixes in crowds
without especial care of his pockets, deserves no pity on account
of the losses he may sustain.” Again: “Persons should
be very particular as soon as they have called a hackneycoach,
to observe the number, before they get into it. This
precaution guards against imposition, or unforeseen accidents.
There is no other method of punishing coachmen who misbehave,
nor chance of recovering property carelessly left in the
coach, but by the recollection of the number.” Now, brother,
I could not come within a thousand of the number of my coach,
for I had no idea of being cheated by a hackney-coachman in
this honest country.
For the benefit of any of your honest neighbours, who may
chance to visit this city, and be cheated before they can get a
“Picture of London,” I will extract one or two more passages
from that valuable work:
“One of the most dangerous classes of swindlers are those
pretended porters or clerks, who attend about the doors of inns
at the time the coaches are unloading; or who watch the arrival
of post-chaises at the doors of the coffee-houses. These
fellows, by various artifices, frequently obtain possession of the
luggage of a traveller, who has occasion to lament the want
of suspicion, in the loss of his clothes and other effects.”
“Mock auctions, in which plated goods are sold for silver,
and a variety of incredible frauds practised upon the unwary,
ought to be cautiously avoided. They may be in general
known by a person being placed at the door to invite in the
passing stranger.”
“Strangers having business at Doctors' Commons, should
previously know the address of a proctor, as all the avenues
are beset by inferior clerks or porters, who watch and accost
strangers, whom they take into some office, where they are
paid in proportion to the nature of the business, which is conducted
not in the most respectable way, and never without
extra charges unwarranted by the profession.”
“In asking questions, or enquiring the way, it is necessary
always to apply at a shop, or a public-house, and never to
the streets.”
Such, brother, are a few of the dangers which beset the
traveller, in his adventurous pilgrimage through this wilderness
of two-legged beasts of prey.
My experience at Liverpool and elsewhere having taught me
somewhat, I began to smell a rat, almost the first moment I
entered the coffee-house. The waiters were excessively officious,
and so anxious to put themselves in my way, when there
was no occasion, that I was quite out of patience. The master
of the house too, a most important little busy body, made
me bow upon bow: all which being contrary to the very nature
of an Englishman, I took it for granted that he meant to cheat
me. Accordingly, the first day at dinner, he gave me a bottle
of half-guinea wine, of the most pestiferous quality, which he
pronounced such as Lord Somebody always called for at his
house. The next day he gave me still worse, finding I put up
with the first, and charged me still higher, on the score of its
being a favourite wine of some noble Earl. The third day it
was still worse and still dearer, because his Grace of —
always drank it in preference to any other. Thinking it best
to get out of the way, before mine host came to the king's favourite
wine, which, according to the preceding steps of the
climax, must have been execrable, I got a friend to recommend
me to another lodging, who accordingly negotiated the
terms, and stood security for my character with the excellent
lady, with whom I still remain. On leaving the coffee-house,
I was beset by the whole clan of domestics, from the headwaiter
in broad-cloth to boots in dirt. The landlord made me
a sort of half bow, and I complimented him on his Grace's
favourite wine, and thus we parted, never, never, never, to
meet again, as your sentimental letter-writers say.
The physiognomy of London is by no means inviting, especially
that part which was laid out, and built, before the nobility
and the rich took it into their wise heads to spend their
incomes in town, rather than among their tenants in the country.
In some of the new and fashionable squares the buildings
are sufficiently aristocratic; but with here and there an exception,
the houses bear the stamp of something like republicanism
or equality. In general, they are quite comfortable in appearance,
but nothing more. The greater proportion of fine buildings
is the offspring of public spirit, which certainly, at times,
has produced as great wonders in England as in any other part
of the world. The merchants, the companies of artizans, indeed
almost all classes of people, except the nobility, have
vied with each other in public works, either of splendor or
themselves with building palaces for their own private
use. It may be said, perhaps, that vanity must have its gratification
in some way or other, and that those who cannot
build a palace individually, must compound by doing it in
company with others; thus making a general rather than an individual
property. It may be so, but still the public is a gainer
by the latter plan, since we can go into some of these for nothing,
whereas the palaces are only shown for money.
One thing that has disgusted me most in this city, is the
incredible quantity of wretched and profligate beggars who
infest many parts, whose ragged, filthy, and debauched appearance
turns pity into absolute disgust. I was, the other
day, admiring the magnificence of a new palace in one of the
fine squares, with my head full of the splendors of this people,
when, all at once, my visions of glory were put to flight
by the irruption of a family of most wretched beings of all ages,
from the gray-headed parent to the little infant holding by the
mother's hand. Their story was that of thousands, nay, hundreds
of thousands, in this government-ridden nation: want of
employment and want of food. If true, it proved how much
they were to be pitied; if false, how yet much more they were
to be pitied. If necessity drove them to this wretched mode
of life, they might still derive some consolation from within;—
if choice, then were they wretched indeed. The splendorso f
the palace vanished like those of the wicked enchanters of old,
and little else remained on my mind but the impression that its
walls were reared upon the miseries of thousands of such as
were now begging at the door.
Another bad feature in the physiognomy of London, is the
number and the profligacy of certain ladies, anciently called
the Bishop of `Winchester's Geese. Their effrontery, their
shocking depravity, disgusting indecency, and total destitution
of every female characteristic, are horrible. Indeed, brother,
every species of vice is displayed here in its naked deformity,
and with a broad and vulgar grossness, that renders
London a complete contrast to Paris, at least, in outward appearance.
| A sketch of old England | |