University of Virginia Library

4. CHAPTER IV.
The Mermaids' Eggs effect a miraculous cure, and Chowder Chow
rises in reputation.

When the supper was over, Turnpenny, with
some others, went up stairs to visit the victim of the
bolus; whom wonderful to be said, they found relieved
of his ague, and, according to his own account,
as well as ever he was—better, indeed, as he said,
than he ever remembered to have felt before in his
life, and desirous to know the great doctor's will,
whether he might not get up to enjoy the company,
or, at least, have another glass of whiskey, to recompense
the pains of solitude.

This wonderful cure, which I suppose was owing
to the tremendous shock of the bolus upon the martyr's
whole system, produced the effect that might
have been expected upon Turnpenny and his friends;
especially as Captain Brown declared the man would
never be sick again as long as he lived; and their
eagerness was renewed to have the extraordinary
Chowder Chow administer to their various ailments.

Turnpenny again offered himself to my inspection;
though it must be confessed, his resolution faltered
a little at the moment; and he assured Captain Brown,
“if it was all one to him, and to the Doctor, he
would rather prefer having a dose of the Holy Sand

of the Ganges to smell at, than a Mermaid's egg to
swallow; because his stomach was naturally a tender
one, and, he was sure, any violent attack upon it
would be the death of him.” Captain Brown averred
upon his honour, that his Magi medicines, administered
by his Magi, never were the death of any
body; and comforted him with the assurance, that,
if severely handled by them, he might be sure he
had been desperately in need of their assistance;
“because as how,” quoth Captain Brown, with exhaustless
ingenuity, or impudence, “the way these
Magi medicines cures a disease is by fighting it out
of a man's body—it is pull dick, pull devil between
them; when the disease is strong, the fight is strong;
but when it is a small matter, why the fight is a
small matter; and that's exactly the way of it.”

Then, turning to me, he said, “Well Chowder
Chow, my lad, polly wolly smash?” which he interpreted
to the company as meaning, “What is to
be done with the landlord?”

Fortunately for this anxious worthy, his doctor
was as desirous as himself that his medicine should
be of the mildest character: I had no inclination to
bring him within an ace of his life, for the sake of
removing a weakness in the back and a pain in the
inwards. I, therefore, after giving him the wisest
look I could summon to my assistance, pronounced
the magical “Sammy ram ram,” which, I justly
inferred, would condemn him only to a dose of the
Holy Sand of the Ganges. Captain Brown picked,
with the utmost care and circumspection, a single
grain from his paper, and presented it to Mr. Turnpenny.
“Put this,” said he, “into a bottle, and
fill it up with water;” which being immediately
done, he bade Turnpenny smell it seven times; and

then asked, “if he did not feel much stronger in the
back and easier in the inwards?”

“Well!” returned mine host, with a look of wonder,
“I don't know but I do. But, I declar,' it has
the most powerful smell I ever did smell!”

“Has it?” quoth Captain Brown; “that is a sign,
then, that there is a powerful strength in the weakness
of your back, and the Holy Sand is taking a
powerful pull at it. But this is nothing to the good
it will do you, when you smell it in the morning;
which you must do, fasting, seven times, and for
seven days running; when, if you ain't clear of all
ailments for ever and a day after, I give you leave to
eat me, that's all. But, I say, shipmate,” he added,
solemnly, “take care you don't let that grain of sand,
by any mischance, get too near a pine-wood fire, or
sky-high goes the house to Davy Jones in a twinkling.”

The landlord vowed he would take great care to
avoid such a misfortune; and Captain Brown turned
him to the others, all of whom, in turn, now applied
to Chowder Chow for relief. Nay, business thickened
on my hands. Turnpenny brought in his wife
and children to be prescribed for; an example that
was followed by two others present, being the blacksmith
and shopkeeper of the hamlet, who went out
for their families to have them doctored; not because
they were sick and wanted doctoring, but because
Captain Brown, in the plenitude of his impudence,
assured them, that the Magi medicines, administered,
according to the constitution, (and it was the peculiarity
of constitution, he swore, and not of disease,
that indicated the medicine,) to people in good health,
were sufficient to prevent the takers ever being sick
of any disease in their lives.

From all these happy people, for whom I took care

to order nothing but the Holy Sand of the Ganges—
or from as many of them as had any money—the
brazen fellow exacted a reward, being every penny
he could get; so that, when the entertainments of the
evening were over, and we retired to bed, he swore
he had pocketed at least five or six dollars. I told
him, “the money was not acquired honestly;” to
which he replied, that “he had often heard of money
being acquired honestly, but had never yet seen a
case of it; and all the honest people he ever knew
were as poor as King David's goslings, and expected
to remain so.”

I would have argued with him upon the knavery
of our proceeding; but, I saw, argument was all
wasted upon a man who seemed actually to think
that cozening and swindling were excellent pastime,
the finest thing in the world—or, as he called it, “as
good as a glass of grog.” But I gave him warning,
it was against my conscience to persist in such deception,
and that I would abandon the Magian vocation,
as soon as I found myself beyond the reach of
pursuers and courts martial.

This protest I made in the chamber assigned to
the honest Captain; in which was spread upon the
floor a bundle of straw, a bed scarce worthy of the
dignity of an East India doctor, but fit enough for
the favoured boundman of a traveller. Upon this
score of bondage, too, I had some indignation to express;
for I saw no reason why he should represent
me in so degrading a light as his slave. “Oh,” said
he, “it is your only safety: who will think of court-martialling
a slave for high-treason?” With that,
he bestowed a profane benediction on my eyes, and
closed his own, being in a moment sound asleep;
and I, being weary and heavy enough, was glad to
follow his example.