University of Virginia Library

15. CHAPTER XV.
An uncommon adventure that befell the Author.

I said that, just as I arrived at the door of my dwelling,
an adventure befell me; and truly, it was such
an extraordinary one as has happened to no other
individual in the land since the days of the unfortunate
William Morgan. As I passed towards the
door, a man whose countenance I could not see, for
it was more than two hours after nightfall, and who
seemed to have been lying in wait on the stoop,
suddenly started up, exclaiming, in accents highly
nasal, and somewhat dolorous,

“Well! I guess, if there's no offence, there's no
mistake. I rather estimate that you're Mr. Zachariah
Longstraw?”

“Well, friend! and what is that thy business?”
said I, in no amiable tone.

“Well, not above more than's partickilar,” said
the stranger; “but I've heern tell much on your
goodness, and I'm in rather a bit of the darnedest
pickle jist now, with a sick wife and nine small

children, the oldest only six years old, that ever you
heerd tell on. And so, I rather estimated—”

“Thee may estimate theeself to the devil,” said
I. “How can the oldest child of nine be only six
years old?”

“Oh, darn it,” said the fellow, “there was three
on 'em twins. But if you'll jest step round to my
wife, she'll tell you all about it. Always heern you
was a great andyfist, or what-d'-ye-call-it.”

“Then thee has heard a great lie,” said I, “and
so thee may go about thee business, for I'll give
thee nothing.”

“Well now, do tell!” said the man, with a tone
of surprise that conveyed a part of the emotion to
myself, particularly when, by way of pointing his
discourse with the broadest note of admiration, he
suddenly clapped a foot to my heels, and laid me
sprawling on the broad of my back.

My astonishment and wrath may well be imagined;
but they were nothing to the terror that beset
me, when, recovering a little from the stunning
effects of the fall, I opened my mouth to cry aloud,
and found it instantly stuffed full of handkerchiefs,
or some such soft material, which the pretended
beggar took that opportunity to gag me with. The
next moment I felt myself whipped up from the
ground and borne aloft, like a corpse, on the shoulders
of two men, who trudged along at a rapid pace,
and apparently with the greatest unconcern possible;
for some of the people in the street hearing
my groans, which were the only sounds I could

make, and demanding what was the matter, were
answered by my cool captors, “Oh, nothing more
than's partickilar—only a poor mad gentleman that
broke hospital; guess he won't do it again. Raving
mad, and hollers a gag out. I say, Sam, hold fast
to his legs, and don't let him jump; for I rather
estimate, if he gets loose, he'll kill some on these
here people.”

The villain! I had begun to hope my moans and
struggles, which I made for the purpose as loud
and furious as I could, having no other way of
calling for help, would cause some of the persons
collected to arrest the rogues, and inquire into the
matter a little more closely; but no sooner had the
villain expressed his fears of the mischief I might
do, than all inquiries ceased, and a horrible scraping
and rattling of feet told me that assistance and
curiosity had scampered off together.

In three minutes more I found myself clapped
into a little covered, or rather boxed wagon, such
as is used by travelling tinmen, and held fast by
one of the rogues, while the other seized upon the
reins, and whipping up a little nag that was geared
to it, we began to roll through the streets at a round
gait, and with such a rattle of wheels and patty-pans,
that there was little hope of making myself
heard, had I possessed the voice even of an oyster-man.
My companion took this opportunity to secure
my wrists in a pair of wooden handcuffs, and
to lock my feet in a sort of stocks, secured against
the side of the wagon. Then, overhauling the

handkerchiefs, and arranging them more to his
liking, though not a whit more to mine, he opened
his mouth and spoke, saying,

“Now, uncle Longlegs, I estimate we'll be comfortable.
So keep easy; or, if you will grunt, just
grunt in tune, and see what sort of a bass you'll
make to Old Hundred.”

With that the rascal, after pitching his voice so
as to accommodate mine as much as possible, began
to sing a song; of which all that I recollect is,
that it related the joys of a travelling tinman—
tricks, rogueries, and all;—that it began somewhat
in the following fashion;—

that it was as long and soporific as a state constitution,
or a governor's message—that it was actually
sung to a psalm-tune, or something like it—
and that, during the eleventh, twelfth, thirteenth,
and half of the fourteenth stanza, the little wagon
rolled leisurely over a long and hollow-sounding
bridge, which I had no doubt was one of the
wooden Rialtos of the Schuylkill—having passed
which, the driver whipped up, and away we went
at a speed of at least six miles an hour.