University of Virginia Library

Scene Second.

—Hall in the Palace of King Cepheus. Arch in centre, closed in by rich curtains.
Enter King Cepheus, Queen Cassiope, and Andromeda.
King.
Don't talk to me! Prepare to go to church
With Phineus instanter.

Andro.
(aside)
In the lurch,
I'll leave him at the door.

King.
What's that you mutter?

Queen.
Weak girl! to quarrel with your bread and butter.

Andro.
He's not my bread and butter.

Queen.
You're his toast,
And suit him to a T.

Andro.
A mighty boast!
I'd rather wed a hippopotamus.

King.
You'd rather wed a hippo—what amus?
My duck, d'ye hear that goose? Romantic fool!
She's picked these notions up at boarding school.

Enter an Attendant.
Attend.
One, Captain Perseus, of the First Winged Horse,
Requests an audience of the King.

King.
Of course.
Some mere adventurer who wants a dinner.
Well, shew him in.

(the curtains at back open)
Andro.
(aside)
'Tis he, as I'm a sinner!
The very man who, at the Lord Mayor's ball,
I danced with.

King.
Zounds, he's coming, horse and all!

Music—Enter Perseus mounted on Pegasus and bearing the head of Medusa in a rich velvet bag.
Air—Perseus—(Nursery Ballad)—“Ride a Cock-horse.”
Ride a wing'd horse,
The country across,
I've killed an old woman,
Both ugly and cross;
Ringlets of vipers hung down to her toes;
Her name was Medusa, as all the world knows.

King.
Is the man mad! to come in with his beast!
Your pony might have scraped his shoes at least.

Per.
On horseback, sir, I make my salutation,
Like the king's champion at the coronation;
But if you mean to make a broil the end on't,
I shan't back out like him, you may depend on't.

King.
(aside)
As hot as mustard! (aloud)
Sir, I say again—

Per.
I shan't apologise, but I'll explain,
Provided you are not so high and mighty.
My horse is like myself, a little flighty;
I tried to rein him up, sir, in the lobby.
But when a man once gets upon his hobby,
It's rather difficult, you know, to stop him;
And mine, unless, sir, of his wings you'd lop him,
Is very likely in a mood ecstatic,
To gallop right up stairs into your attic.
But there— (dismounting)
your groom may take him, if he wishes.
(Exit Attendant, with horse)
While I report— (sees Andromeda)
Ye gods and little fishes!
What do I see?

King.
Our daughter.

Per.
Is she married?

King.
She is about to be.

Per.
'Tis well you tarried
Till my arrival. None but I must marry her—
Refuse, and, nolens volens, off I carry her.

Queen.
She's to her uncle pledged.

Per.
Air—Perseus—“We met! 'twas in a crowd,” Haynes Bayly.

King.
All this is mighty fine, upon my honour,
But who are you, to set your heart upon her?
A half-pay captain hope to be thus matched!

Per.
Half-pay, perhaps—but not, sir, unattached.
And for my birth and parentage—why I
Can boast a lineage than yours more high.
I am the son of Danäe, by Jove
I am! and though compelled by fate to rove
In quest of fame, I'll bet you any odds
There's no one more in favour with the gods!
This helm, for instance (you ne'er saw a rarer),
With power to make invisible the wearer,
A present was from Pluto. Sage Minerva
Gave me this shield, for which I'll ever serve her!
Hermes was kind enough to lend his wings,
With sundry other useful little things;
Amongst the rest, this keen and crooked dagger,
With which I cut not only a great swagger,
But cropped the hair and head off of Medusa;
Which was a pretty decent job to do, sir.
For, as 'tis well by every school-boy known,
Who looked her in the face was turned to stone.
So that one glance would make the daring elf
A lithographic portrait of himself.

Queen.
How did you find her out? To her abode
I never yet knew one who knew the road.

Per.
I made a morning call upon the Graiæ,
The sisters of Medusa—said, “How are ye?”
Then took a chair, and talked about the weather,
Until they all three went to sleep together.
They're pretty creatures—have you ever seen 'em?
They've got but one eye and one tooth between 'em?
So that at dinner, it's a curious truth,
They're forced to help themselves, and pass the tooth.
As soon as I beheld them fast asleep,
This tooth I stole; and fearing they might weep,
(No gentleman would make the ladies cry),
I took the liberty to take their eye.
“Give us our eye,” they cried, “and our tooth, too, sir.”
“Tell me,” said I, then, “where to find Medusa.”
And so they did; and so I said good-bye,
Flung 'em their tooth, and begged they'd mind their eye.

King.
And have you slain the witch?

Per.
I scorn to brag,
But there's the Gorgon's head, sir, in that bag!
Would you behold it, mighty monarch?

King.
What!
Be turn'd to stone—I had much rather not.
(aside)
Wife, we must mind this youth—he's got the organ
Of head-cut-off-a-tiveness—we're no Gorgon;
And he would make still shorter work of us.
What's to be done?

Queen.
Hush! Don't you make a fuss;
Say you'll consider—bid him stay and dine,
And pop a little poison in his wine!

King.
Amiable woman! I approve your plan.
(aloud to Andromeda)
You love him, miss?

Andro.
“The captain's a bold man.”

King.
And that means yes. Well, we must think upon't.
Perhaps, you'll stay and eat and drink upon't.

Per.
You are too good.

King.
But here comes Phineus. Mum!
No word to him at present.

Per.
Sir, I'm dumb.

Queen.
Is he of your first meeting, pray, aware?

Per.
No mortal knows it—not e'en Lempriere!

King.
(looking out)
“What haste looks through his eyes!”
With fear they're quite full.

Andro.
I'm certain something's happened very frightful.

Enter Phineus, Priests of Jupiter, and Inhabitants.
Air—Phineus—French Air, from the Vaudeville of “Promotion.”
Mighty monarch, stir your stumps as if Old Nick were following;
A serpent with an awful twist has landed on your shore;
Our gallant soldiers, guns and all, by regiments he's swallowing,
And munching up musicians and composers by the score!
Of counsel learned in the law but brief work he is making—
Apothecaries just as they were pills, sir, he is taking;
He snaps the parson right in two, as well as his oration;
And ere the beadle bolts the door, he bolts the congregation!
Mighty monarch, stir your stumps, for court and caravansery
Are emptied of inhabitants all crazy with affright,
The monster he is longer far than any suit in Chancery,
And beats the Court of Aldermen, by chalks, for appetite!

King.
What story of a cock and bull is here?

Phin.
A cock and bull! Great king, whom all revere,
The story's of a serpent who is munching
Your subjects up like fun! Just hear 'em crunching!

(noise without)
Per.
Like fun! No doubt they think it very funny;
Will none the reptile kill for love or money?

Phin.
No, all must die; he's got a writ to end 'em.
A capias ad satisfaciendum.

Queen.
For what offence? Tell me, I do beseech!

Phin.
Your gracious Majesty's ungracious speech
'Gainst the Nereides and Juno.

Andro.
Ah!
I told you how 'twould be, you know, mamma!

Queen.
Hold your tongue, miss. What if I ask their pardon?

(to Phineus)
Phin.
It won't avail your Majesty a farden.
Vain hope to stop the mouth that's fed by law,
There's nought can make that monster hold his jaw!

Per.
I'll lock it so that he can't pick his teeth,
If I once draw this falchion from its sheath.
I'll pen a challenge, if you'll take the letter.

Phin.
I take it! Thank you kindly! I know better.
If you write notes to this “monstrum horrendum,”
I recommend you by the post to send 'em.

Per.
Well, you're a post.

Phin.
If so, for him I'm no bit,
He'd soon turn my post into a post obit.

Per.
Poltroon! But I will find a way to send it;
He's broken the king's peace of mind and mend it
He shall ere dinner time, or I'll know why.
Order my Pegasus! My one-horse fly!
I'll dine with you, my love, if I'm alive,
(to Andromeda)
But don't you wait a moment after five.

Phin.
(aside)
His love! False jade—the snake shall squeeze her weasen,
For if she won't be mine, she shan't be his'n!
(aloud)
Come to the temple, sir; our special pleadings
Perchance may move the court to stay proceedings.

Quintette and Chorus—Perseus, Andromeda, Cepheus, Phineus, and Attendants,—Finale to Second Act of “Gustavus III.”
Per.
O lady bright, dismiss your fright,
And trust to me, your own true knight;
Soon this snake, I will make
Eat humble pie, and no mistake!
In one good round, a beating sound,
I'll give the monster, I'll be bound.
And back to thee, with fondest hope,
Sweet girl! I'll gallantly gallope.

All.
This odd fish I/he in port will stew
Like carp, and carve him like Carpue;
To roll him out I'll/he'll make no bones,
And send him straight to Davy Jones.

(Tableau—Scene closes in)