 | CHAPTER III. The monikins |  |
3. CHAPTER III.
A court, a court-dress, and a courtier—Justice in various
aspects, as well as honor.
My guests were no sooner gone, than I sent for
the landlady, to inquire if any court-dresses were
to be had in the neighborhood. She told me,
plenty might certainly be had, that were suited to
the monikin dimensions, but she much doubted
whether there was a tail in all Leaphigh, natural
or artificial, that was at all fit for a person of my
stature. This was vexatious; and I was in a
brown-study, calling up all my resources for the
occasion, when Mr. Poke entered the inn, carrying
in his hand two as formidable ox-tails as I
remember ever to have seen. Throwing one towards
me, he said the Lord High Admiral of
Leaphigh had acquainted him, that there was an
invitation out for the Prince and himself, as well
as for the governor of the former, to be present
at court within an hour. He had hurried off
from what he called a very good dinner, considering
there was nothing solid, (the Captain was particularly
fond of pickled pork,) to let me know the
honor that was intended us; and, on the way
home, he had fallen in with Dr. Reasono, who, on
being acquainted with his errand, had not failed
to point out the necessity of the whole party coming
en habit de cour. Here was a dilemma, with a
vengeance; for the first idea that struck the Captain
was “the utter impossibility of finding anything
in this way, in all Leaphigh, befitting a Lord
High Admiral of his length of keel; for, as to going
in an ordinary monikin queue, why, he should look
for a lower mast!” Dr. Reasono, however,
had kindly removed the embarrassment, by conducting
him to the Cabinet of Natural History,
where three suitable appendages had been found,
viz. two fine relics of oxen,[1] and another, a capital
specimen, that had formerly been the mental lever,
or, as the Captain expressed it, “the steering oar”
of a kangaroo. The latter had been sent off, express,
with a kind consideration for the honor of
Great Britain, to Prince Bob, who was at a villa
of one of the royal family, in the neighborhood of
Aggregation.
I was greatly indebted to Noah, for his dexterity
in helping me to a good fit with my court-dress.
There was not time for much particularity, for
we were in momentary expectation of Judge People's
Friend's return. All we could do, therefore,
was to make a belt of canvas, (the Captain being
always provided with needles, palm, &c., in his
bag,) and to introduce the smaller end of the tail
through a hole in the belt, drawing its base tight
up to the cloth, which, in its turn, was stitched
round our bodies. This was but an indifferent substitute
for the natural appendage, it is true; and
the hide had got to be so dry and unyielding, that
it was impossible for the least observant person to
imagine there was a particle of brains in it. The
arrangement had, also, another disadvantage. The
cauda stuck out nearly at right angles with the
position of the body, and, besides occupying much
more space than would probably be permitted in
the royal presence, “it gave any jackanapes,” as
Noah observed, “the great advantage over us, of
making us yaw at pleasure, since he might use
the outriggers as levers.” But a seaman is inexhaustible
“bob-stays,” (for the Captain facetiously gave
them both appellations,) were soon “turned in,”
and the tails were “stayed in, in a way to bring
them as upright as try-sail-masts;” to which spars,
indeed, according to Noah's account of the matter,
they bore no small resemblance.
The Envoy Extraordinary of Leaplow, accompanied
by his friend, Brigadier Downright, arrived
just as we were dressed; and a most extraordinary
figure the former cut, if truth must be said. Although
obliged to be docked, according to the
Leaplow law, to six inches, and brought down to
a real bob, by both the public opinions of his country,
for this was one of the few points on which
these antagonist sentiments were perfectly agreed,
he now appeared in just the largest brush I remember
to have seen appended to a monikin! I felt a
strong inclination to joke the rotatory republican
on this coquetry; but then I remembered how
sweet any stolen indulgence becomes; and, for
the life of me, I could not give utterance to a
bon mot. The elegance of the Minister was rendered
the more conspicuous by the simplicity of
the Brigadier, who had contrived to moustache his
dock, a very short one at the best, in such a manner
as to render it nearly invisible. On my expressing
a doubt to Mr. Downright about his being
admitted in such a costume, he snapped his fingers,
and gave me to understand he knew better. He
appeared as a Brigadier of Leaplow, (I found
afterwards that he was in truth no soldier, but
that it was a fashion among his countrymen to
travel under the title of Brigadier,) and this was
his uniform; and he should like to see the chamberlain
who would presume to call in question the
state of his wardrobe! As it was no affair of
were soon in the court of the palace.
I shall pass over the parade of guards, the state
bands, the sergeant-trumpeters, the crowd of footmen
and pages, and conduct the reader at once to
the antechamber. Here we found the usual throng
composed of those who live in the smiles of
princes. There was a great deal of politeness,
much bowing and curtseying, and the customary
amount of genteel empressement to be the first to
bask in the sunshine of royalty. Judge People's
Friend, in his character of a foreign minister, was
privileged; and we had enjoyed the private entrée,
and were now, of right, placed nearest to the
great doors of the royal apartments. Most of the
diplomatic corps were already in attendance, and,
quite as a matter of course, there were a great
many cordial manifestations of the ardent attachment
that bound them and their masters together,
in the inviolable bonds of a most sacred amity.
Judge People's Friend, according to his own account
of the matter, represented a great nation—
a very great nation—and yet I did not perceive
that he met with a warm—a very warm—reception.
However, as he seemed satisfied with himself,
and all around him, it would have been
unkind, not to say rude, in a stranger to disturb
his self-esteem; and I took especial care, therefore,
not to betray, by the slightest hint, my opinion
that a good many near his person seemed to think
him and his artificial queue somewhat in the way.
The courtiers of Leaphigh, in particular, who are
an exceedingly exclusive and fastidious corps, appeared
to regard the privileges of the Judge with
an evil eye; and one or two of them actually held
their noses as he flourished his brush a little too
near their sacred faces, as if they found its odor
a page cried out from the lower part of the
saloon, “Room for his Royal Highness the Crown
Prince of Great Britain!” The crowd opened, and
that young blackguard Bob walked up the avenue,
in state. He wore the turnspit garment as the
base of his toilet; but the superstructure was
altogether more in keeping with the rascal's assumed
character. The union-jack was thrown
over his shoulder in the fashion of a mantle, and
it was supported by the cook and steward of the
Walrus, (two blacks,) both clothed as alligators.
The kangaroo's tail was rigged in a way to excite
audible evidences of envy in the heart of Mr.
Poke. The stepping of it, the Captain whispered,
“did the young dog great credit, for it looked as
natural as the best wig he had ever seen; and then,
in addition to the bob-stay, it had two guys, which
acted like the yoke-lines of a boat, or in such a
way, that by holding one in each hand, the brush
could be worked `starboard and larboard' like a
rudder.” I have taken this description mainly from
the mouth of the Captain, and most sincerely do
I hope it may be intelligible to the reader.
Bob appeared to be conscious of his advantages;
for, on reaching the upper end of the room, he
began whisking his tail, and flourishing it to the
right and left, so as to excite a very perceptible
and lively admiration in the mind of Judge People's
Friend,—an effect that so much the more proved
the wearer's address, for that high functionary
was bound ex officio to entertain a sovereign contempt
for all courtly vanities. I saw the eye of
the Captain kindle, however; and when the insolent
young coxcomb actually had the temerity to
turn his back on his master, and to work his brush
under his very nose, human nature could endure
slowly retired, with somewhat of the caution of
the cat about to spring, and then it was projected
forward, with a rapidity that absolutely lifted the
Crown Prince from the floor.
The royal self-possession of Bob could not prevent
an exclamation of pain, as well as of surprise;
and some of the courtiers ran forward involuntarily
to aid him,—for courtiers always run
involuntarily to the succor of princes. At least a
dozen of the ladies offered their smelling-bottles,
with the most amiable assiduity and concern. To
prevent any disagreeable consequences, however,
I hastened to acquaint the crowd that, in Great
Britain, it is the usage to cuff and kick the
whole royal family; and that, in short, it is no
more than the customary tribute of the subject
to the prince. In proof of what I said, I took good
care to give the saucy young seoundrel a touch of
my own homage. The monikins, who know that
different customs prevail in different nations, hastened
to compliment the young scion of royalty
in the same manner; and both the cook and steward
relieved their ennui by falling into the track
of imitation. Bob could not stand the last applications;
and he was about to beat a retreat, when
the master of ceremonies appeared, to conduct him
to the royal presence.
The reader is not to be misled by the honors
that were paid to the imaginary Crown Prince,
and to suppose that the court of Leaphigh entertained
any peculiar respect for that of Great Britain.
It was merely done on the principle that
governed the conduct of our own learned sovereign,
King James I., when he refused to see the
amiable Pocahontas of Virginia, because she had
degraded royalty by intermarrying with a subject.
individual, to his species, or to his nation.
Let his privileges come from what cause they
would, Bob was glad enough to get out of the presence
of Captain Poke,—who had already pretty
plainly threatened, in the Stunnin'tun dialect, to
unship his cauda,—into that of the Majesty of Leaphigh.
A few minutes afterwards, the doors were
thrown open, and the whole company advanced
into the royal apartments.
The etiquette of the court of Leaphigh differs,
in many essential particulars, from the etiquette
of any other court in the monikin region. Neither
the King, nor his royal consort, is ever visible
to any one in the country, so far as is vulgarly
known. On the present occasion, two thrones
were placed at opposite extremities of the saloon,
and a magnificent, crimson, damask curtain was
so closely drawn before each, that it was quite
impossible to see who occupied it. On the lowest
step there stood a chamberlain or a lady of the
bed-chamber, who, severally, made all the speeches,
and otherwise enacted the parts of the illustrious
couple. The reader will understand, therefore, that
all which is here attributed to either of these great
personages, was in fact performed by one or the
other of the substitutes named, and that I never
had the honor of actually standing, face to face,
with their Majesties. Every thing that is now
about to be related, in short, was actually done by
deputy, on the part of the monarch and his wife.
The King himself merely represents a sentiment,
all the power belonging to his eldest first-cousin
of the masculine gender, and any intercourse
with him is entirely of a disinterested or
of a sentimental character. He is the head of the
church,—after a very secular fashion, however;
—all the bishops and clergy therefore got down
Captain suggested that it might be their catechisms:
I never knew which. I observed, also,
that all his law officers did the same thing; but as
they never pray, and do not know their catechisms,
I presume the genuflections were to beg
something better than the places they actually
filled. After this, came a long train of military
and naval officers, who, soldier-like, kissed his
paw. The civilians next had a chance, and then
it was our turn to be presented.
“I have the honor to present the Lord High
Admiral of Great Britain, to your Majesty,” said
Judge People's Friend, who had waived his official
privilege of going first, in order to do us this favor
in person; it having been decided, on a review of
all the principles that touched the case, that nothing
human could take precedence of a monikin
at court, always making the exception in favor of
royalty, as in the case of Prince Bob.
“I am happy to see you at my court, Admiral
Poke,” the King politely rejoined, manifesting the
tact of high rank in recognizing Noah by his
family name, to the great surprise of the old sealer.
“King!”
“You were about to remark?—” most graciously
inquired his Majesty, a little at a loss to
understand what his visiter would be at.
“Why, I could not contain my astonishment at
your memory, Mr. King, which has enabled you
to recall a name that you probably never before
heard!”
There was now a great, and, to me, a very unaccountable
confusion in the circle. It would
seem, that the Captain had unwittingly trespassed
on two of the most important of the rules of etiquette,
in very mortal points. He had confessed
to the admission of an emotion as vulgar as that
intimated that his Majesty had a memory; a property
of the mind which, as it might prove dangerous
to the liberties of Leaphigh, were it left in
the keeping of any but a responsible minister, it
had long been decided it was felony to impute to
the King. By the fundamental law of the land,
the King's eldest first-cousin of the masculine gender
may have as many memories as he please,
and he may use them, or abuse them, as he shall
see fit, both in private or in the public service; but
it is held to be utterly unconstitutional and unparliamentary,
and, by consequence, extremely
underbred, to insinuate, even in the most remote
manner, that the King himself has either a memory,
a will, a determination, a resolution, a desire,
a conceit, an intention, or, in short, any other intellectual
property, that of a “royal pleasure”
alone excepted. It is both constitutional and
parliamentary to say the King has a “royal pleasure,”
provided the context goes to prove that this
“royal pleasure” is entirely at the disposition of
his eldest first-cousin of the masculine gender.
When Mr. Poke was made acquainted with his
mistake, he discovered a proper contrition; and
the final decision of the affair was postponed, in
order to have the opinion of the judges on the propriety
of taking bail, which I promptly offered to
put in, in behalf of my old ship-mate. This disagreeable
little interruption temporarily disposed of,
the business of the drawing-room went on.
Noah was next conducted to the Queen, who
was much inclined (always by deputy) to overlook
the little mistake into which he had fallen with
her royal consort, and to receive him graciously.
“May it please your Majesty, I have the honor
to present to your Majesty's royal notice, the Lord
Noah Poke, the Lord High Admiral of a distant
said the gold stick of the evening,—Judge
People's Friend being afraid of committing Leaplow,
and declining to introduce the Captain to any
one else.
“Lord Poke is a countryman of our royal cousin
the Prince Bob!” observed the Queen, in an
exceedingly gracious manner.
“No marm,” put in the sealer, promptly, “your
cousin Bob is no cousin of mine; and if it were
lawful for your Majesty to have a memory, or an
inclination, or any thing else in that way, I should
beg the favor of you, to order the young blackguard
to be soundly threshed.”
The Majesty of Leaphigh stood aghast, by
proxy! It would seem Noah had now actually
fallen into a more serious error, than the mistake
he had made with the King. By the law of Leaphigh,
the Queen is not a femme couverte. She
can sue and be sued in her own name, holds her
separate estate, without the intervention of trustees,
and is supposed to have a memory, a will, an inclination,
or any thing else in that way, except a
“royal pleasure,” to which she cannot, of right,
lay claim. As to her, the King's first-cousin is
a dead letter; he having no more control over her
conscience, than he has over the conscience of an
apple-woman. In short, her Majesty is quite as
much the mistress of her own convictions and conscience,
as it probably ever falls to the lot of women
in such high stations to be the mistress of
interests that are of so much importance to those
around them. Noah, innocently enough, I do firmly
believe, had seriously wounded all those nice
sensibilities which are naturally dependent on such
an improved condition of society. Forbearance
could go no farther, and I saw, by the dark looks
serious crime. He was immediately arrested, and
conducted from the presence to an adjoining room,
into which I obtained admission, after a good deal
of solicitation and some very strong appeals to
the sacred character of the rights of hospitality.
It now appeared, that in Leaphigh, the merits
of a law are decided on a principle very similar
to the one we employ in England in judging of the
quality of our wines; viz., its age. The older a
law, the more it is to be respected, no doubt
because, having proved its fitness by outlasting all
the changes of society, it has become more mellow,
if not more palatable. Now, by a law of
Leaphigh, that is coeval with the monarchy, he
who offends the Queen's Majesty at a levee, is to
lose his head; and he who, under the same circumstances,
offends the King's Majesty, necessarily
the more heinous offence, is to lose his
tail. In consequence of the former punishment,
the criminal is invariably buried, and he is consigned
to the usual course of monikin regeneration
and resuscitation; but in consequence of the
latter, it is thought that he is completely thrown
without the pale of reason, and is thereby consigned
to the class of the retrogressive animals. His mind
diminishes, and his body increases; the brain, for
want of the means of development, takes the ascending
movement of sap again; his forehead
dilates; bumps re-appear; and, finally, after passing
gradually downward in the scale of intellect,
he becomes a mass of insensible matter. Such,
at least, is the theory of his punishment.
By another law, that is even older than the monarchy,
any one who offends in the King's palace
may be tried by a very summary process, the
King's pages acting as his judges; in which case,
the sentence is to be executed without delay.
Such was the dilemma to which Noah, by an
indiscretion at court, was suddenly reduced; and,
but for my prompt interference, he would probably
have been simultaneously decapitated at both
extremities, in obedience to an etiquette which prescribes
that, under the circumstances of a court
trial, neither the King's nor the Queen's rights shall
be entitled to precedence. In defence of my client
I urged his ignorance of the usages of the country,
and, indeed, of all other civilized countries, Stunnin'tun
alone excepted. I stated that the criminal
was an object altogether unworthy of their notice;
that he was not a Lord High Admiral at all, but a
mere pitiful sealer; I laid some stress on the importance
of maintaining friendly relations with the
sealers, who cruise so near the monikin region;
I tried to convince the judges that Noah meant no
harm in imputing moral properties to the King,
and that so long as he did not impute immoral properties
to his royal consort, she might very well
afford to pardon him. I then quoted Shakspeare's
celebrated lines on mercy, which seemed to be
well enough received, and committed the whole
affair to their better judgment.
I should have got along very creditably, and
most probably obtained the immediate discharge
of my friend, had not the Attorney-General of
Leaphigh been drawn by curiosity into the room.
Although he had nothing to say to the merits of
my arguments, he objected to every one of them,
on the ground of formality. This was too long,
and that was too short; one was too high, and
another too low; a fifth was too broad, and a
sixth too narrow; in short, there was no figure of
speech of this nature, to which he did not resort,
in order to prove their worthlessness, with the
exception that I do not remember he charged any
of my reasons with being too deep.
Matters were now beginning to look serious
for poor Noah, when a page came skipping in,
to say that the wedding was about to take place,
and that if his comrades wished to witness it, they
must sentence the prisoner without delay. Many
a man, it is said, has been hanged, in order that
the judge might dine; but, in the present instance,
I do believe Captain Poke was spared, in order
that his judges might not miss a fine spectacle. I
entered into recognizance, in fifty thousand promises,
for the due appearance of the criminal on
the following morning; and we all returned, in a
body, to the presence-chamber, treading on each
other's tails, in the eagerness to be foremost.
Any one who has ever been at a human court,
must very well know that, while it is the easiest
thing in the world to throw it into commotion by
a violation of etiquette, matters of mere life and
death are not at all of a nature to disturb its tranquillity.
There, everything is a matter of routine
and propriety; and, to judge from experience,
nothing is so unseemly as to appear to possess human
sympathies. The fact is not very different at
Leaphigh, for the monikin sympathies, apparently,
are quite as obtuse as those of men; although
justice compels me to allow, that in the case of
Captain Poke, the appeal was made in behalf of a
creature of a different species. It is also a settled
principle of Leaphigh jurisprudence, that it
would be monstrous for the King to interfere in
behalf of justice,—justice, however, being always
administered in his name; although it certainly is
not held to be quite so improper for him to interfere
in behalf of those who have offended justice.
As a consequence of these nice distinctions,
which it requires a very advanced stage of civilization
fully to comprehend, both the King and
Queen received our whole party, when we came
had occurred. Noah wore both head and
tail erect, like another; and the Lord High Admiral
of Leaphigh dropped into a familiar conversation
with him, on the subject of ballasting ships,
in just as friendly a manner as if he were on the
best possible terms with the whole royal family.
This moral sang froid is not to be ascribed to
phlegm, but is, in fact, the result of high mental
discipline, which causes the courtier to be utterly
destitute of all feeling, except in cases that affect
himself.
It was high time, now, that I should be presented.
Judge People's Friend, who had witnessed
the dilemma of Noah with diplomatic unconcern,
very politely renewed the offer of his services in
my favor, and I went forward and stood before
the throne.
“Sire, allow me to present a very eminent literary
character among men, a cunning clerk, by
name Goldencalf,” said the envoy, bowing to his
Majesty.
“He is welcome to my court,” returned the
King by proxy. “Pray, Mr. People's Friend, is
not this one of the human beings who have lately
arrived in my dominions, and who have shown
so much cleverness in getting Chatterino and his
governor through the ice?”
“The very same, please your Majesty; and a
very arduous service it was, and right cleverly
performed.”
“This reminds me of a duty.—Let my cousin
be summoned.”
I now began to see a ray of hope, and to feel
the truth of the saying which teaches us that justice,
though sometimes slow, never fails to arrive
at last. I had also, now, and for the first time, a
good view of the King's eldest first-cousin of the
and, while he had the appearance of listening
with the most profound attention to the instructions
of the King of Leaphigh, was very evidently
telling that potentate what he ought to do.
The conference ended, his Majesty's proxy spoke
in a way to be heard by all who had the good
fortune to be near the royal person.
“Reasono did a good thing,” he said; “really,
a very good thing, in bringing us these specimens
of the human family. But for his cleverness, I
might have died without ever dreaming that
men were gifted with tails.” (Kings never get
hold of the truth at the right end.) “I wonder if the
Queen knew it. Pray, did you know, my Augusta,
that men had tails?”
“Our exemption from state affairs gives us females
better opportunities than your Majesty enjoys,
to study these matters,” returned his royal
consort, by the mouth of her Lady of the Bed-Chamber.
“I dare say I'm very silly,—but our cousin,
here, thinks it might be well to do something for
these good people, for it may encourage their
King himself to visit us some day.”
An exclamation of pleasure escaped the ladies;
who declared, one and all, it would be delightful to
see a real human King,—it would be so funny!
“Well, well,” added the good-natured monarch,
“Heaven knows what may happen, for I have seen
stranger things. Really, we ought to do something
for these good people; for, although we owe
the pleasure of their visit, in a great degree, to the
cleverness of Reasono,—who, by the way, I'm
glad to hear is declared an H. O. A. X.,—yet
he very handsomely admits, that but for their exertions—none
of our seamikins being within reach
—it would have been quite impossible to get
the cleverest and the most useful of their party.”
Here the Queen, always thinking and speaking
by proxy, suggested the propriety of leaving the
point to Prince Bob.
“It would be no more than is due to his rank;
for though they are men, I dare say they have
feelings like ourselves.”
The question was now submitted to Bob, who
sat in judgment on us all, with as much gravity
as if accustomed to such duties from infancy. It
is said that men soon get to be familiar with elevation,
and that, while he who has fallen never fails
to look backward, he who has risen invariably
limits his vision to the present horizon. Such
proved to be the case with the princely Bob.
“This person,” observed the jack-a-napes, pointing
to me, “is a very good sort of a person, it is
true, but he is hardly the sort of person your Majesty
wants just now. There is the Lord High
Admiral, too,—but—” (Bob's but was envenomed
by a thousand kicks!)—“but—you wish, sire, to
know which of my father's subjects was the most
useful in getting the ship to Leaphigh?”
“That is precisely the fact I desire to know.”
Bob, hereupon, pointed to the cook; who, it will
be remembered, was present as one of his train-bearers.
“I believe I must say, sire, that this is the man.
He fed us all; and without food, and that in considerable
quantities, too, nothing could have been done.”
The little blackguard was rewarded for his impudence,
by exclamations of pleasure from all
around him.—“It was so clever a distinction,”—
“it showed so much reflection,”—“it was so very
profound,”—“it proved how much he regarded
the base of society,”—in short, “it was evident
England would be a happy country, when he
time, the cook was required to come forth, and
kneel before his Majesty.
“What is your name?” whispered the Lord of
the Bed-Chamber, who now spoke for himself.
“Jack Coppers, your honor.”
The Lord of the Bed-Chamber made a communication
to his Majesty, when the sovereign turned
round by proxy, with his back towards Jack, and,
giving him the accolade with his tail, he bade him
rise, as “Sir Jack Coppers.”
I was a silent, an admiring, an astounded witness
of this act of gross and flagrant injustice.
Some one pulled me aside, and then I recognized
the voice of Brigadier Downright.
“You think that honors have alighted where
they are least due. You think that the saying of
your Crown Prince has more smartness than truth,
more malice than honesty. You think that the
court has judged on false principles, and acted on
an impulse rather than on reason; that the King
has consulted his own ease in affecting to do justice;
that the courtiers have paid a homage to their
master, in affecting to pay a homage to merit; and
that nothing in this life is pure or free from the
taint of falsehood, selfishness or vanity. Alas!
this is too much the case with us monikins, I must
allow; though, doubtless, among men you manage
a vast deal more cleverly.”
| CHAPTER III. The monikins | |